Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #68: So You Think You’ve Tried Everything With Your Adult Child

Transcript

#68: So You Think You’ve Tried Everything With Your Adult Child · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with adult children in their 20s and 30s who are not moving forward in life.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Often referred to as failure to launch syndrome because they are struggling to become independent and responsible adults.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be clear, it's not because they are living at home, but rather due to a lack of confidence, low motivation, and limited life skills.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not to mention learning disabilities like ADHD or more debilitating mental health issues.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: But this podcast isn't just about them.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's for parents who feel powerless, hopeless, frustrated, and worried, but really do want to help their adult kids.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is a short one because it's just me.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a regular, you know that many episodes of launch feature guests who bring their own experiences and share their unique knowledge, offering you new perspectives and actionable steps.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: But today it's you and me.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to take a few minutes and share something with you, which is the reason why I started this podcast.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Over forty years ago, I watched my older brother struggle with many of the same issues your adult is going through right now, and it had nothing to do with the economy.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was a combination of things insecurity, uncertainty, undiagnosed ADHD, low self confidence, and no one he could talk to.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: My father wasn't around, and my mother didn't know how.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I stepped in, asking him questions, nudging him, knowing in my gut my brother was suffering, feeling terribly inadequate because everyone around him seemed to know what their next steps were.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, I was not his favorite person.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was told to F off more times than I can remember, until I wasn't.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: The moment I was able to reach him was pivotal, and remember, I was only his little sister, but I never gave up on him.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding human behavior has been my passion my entire life.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I fell in love with psychology from early on and ended up graduating with multiple degrees.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote a book after that about women and their fathers while raising my son as a single mom.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I had to get a real pay job and I couldn't promote it properly.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: No excuses, just facts.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Years later, I came across another young adult who reminded me of my brother, and it all came rushing back.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: There is a tremendous need to help not just these young adults, but their parents who, just like my mother, don't know what to do.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Several years ago, I went onto social media and started talking about failure to launch.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Parents from everywhere connected with me.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so I began to write another book.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: But no, I thought, this time I'm going to make it a course, something more personal, inspirational, and instructional, a roadmap that parents could use to guide their young adults through this.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it's done.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: In December, I released it as a live course, but decided to turn it all into prerecorded lessons because there's so much information that I realized parents needed to watch and listen in short videos as often as they needed, along with a workbook and resources to go along with it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to announce that it's ready, but that's not the purpose of this episode.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: There is something really important I want to share with you.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I've talked to a lot of parents who feel they have tried everything.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's this sense of pervasive hopelessness that saddens me, frustrates me, which is something many of you can pick up because it's simply not valid.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how I see it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I compare it to wanting to get into physical shape.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: The wanting is real.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: People decide, I'm ready, I'm gonna do this.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So they try a bunch of things, join a gym or start a weight loss program, maybe get a personal trainer, watch videos, and so on.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: They start, they dabble.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: The results are too slow, and they give up and say nothing works.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yet millions of people are getting into shape every day.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is what is happening for parents with an adult child who is not thriving.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Every effort is a failed attempt.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing moves the needle.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: They don't see results, they feel like they're wasting their time.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: They quit trying, and the years keep passing by.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I see parenting more like gardening.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You have to play the long game because it's a process.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Just the learning alone takes time.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then you have to be consistent and diligent, or your plants won't grow and bloom.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: The fruits of your labor are not overnight.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So much is changing beneath the ground in the root system.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: You think that nothing is happening, and yet so much is.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: You need to work that soil, you need to excavate, replace it with fresh earth and good nutrients.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just like your past, your children won't thrive if you use the stuff you were raised on.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: So much parenting is based on what our parents did to us, and we have to break those cycles.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Once you work that soil, you plant seeds, not here and there, but strategically, and you tend to them with love and care.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You nourish with fertilizer and water, persistence and patience.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can't stare at your barren garden and say, Why aren't you growing?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I keep telling you what to do and you're not listening.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're so unmotivated.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the other gardens.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're all growing.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with you?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you glance at your garden every now and then and say, I'm here for you.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: But you can't help but wonder, why are these plants not growing?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Will I ever have a garden to enjoy?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually you say to yourself, I'm a shitty gardener, no green thumbs on my hands, maybe I'll just stop trying.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Can you see why raising an adult is so much like gardening?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: We really do reap what we sow.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And anyone could be a good gardener and parent if you take the time to learn what is needed.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you who think I just made this shit up, I didn't.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Years ago I wanted to create a garden from nothing, and so I learned everything I needed to do to make it happen.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I never gave up because I believed I could do it.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the same with my own kids, because I brought them into the world knowing my job was to raise them to be able to survive well without me.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't believe with your whole heart that this is your responsibility, this podcast is not for you.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is for parents who will not give up on their adult kids, who are willing to learn what it takes and not stop until their adult kids are in full bloom.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you feel guilty that you've waited this long or that perhaps you overcoddled too much, that has to stop.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: The pity party is not serving you well.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are not to blame for their current situation because there are many variables at play here.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mentioned them in episode 66.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: But you are responsible for helping them through this now.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: There are very, very few parenting coaches, books, and courses for raising young adults who are struggling.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you that.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes the suggestions are so abstract that parents are left thinking, what do you mean be calm?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Give them space, meet them where they are.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: This advice is kind, but it's not enough.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's gardening without a manual.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: How much water?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: How often, sun or no sun?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: What percentage of nitrates work best?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: The devil is always in the details.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And because each adult child is different, you have to learn what they need from you.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are their person.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not to rescue, but to take charge and lead them through these murky waters and pull them out of the quicksand.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or if I keep with this gardening analogy, your adult child will never thrive if you just let them sit there untended to.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Real change is going to come from you learning and understanding what is holding them back, how to reconnect, communicate, earn their trust and respect.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can begin to help them.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: They are not broken.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: They are seeds ready to grow, but they need all the nutrients that you can provide.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: So stop thinking you are not capable.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: You are so much more powerful and influential than you know.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not going to work if you just sit there month after month, year after year, waiting for them to mature.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can do this.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I am so dedicated to helping you.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: I believe in you probably more than you believe in yourself.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I talk to parents one-on-one.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'll even talk to your adult child as well because this is a family issue.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Both parents and adult children are in it together.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's also my course.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's called The Journey to Independence.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Email me, sharry at parentingefects.com, and I will send you a personal video all about it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is not for everyone.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is only for parents who are as committed to their adult child as a gardener is to their beloved plants.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, and I'm here for you.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Please share this episode with a parent who needs to hear it.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the subscribe button so you never miss another.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, thank you for listening.