Latest / Before You Speak / Before You Speak | Episode 29 | Elwyn’s daughter graduating

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Before You Speak | Episode 29 | Elwyn’s daughter graduating · Before You Speak

• Derek Peterson: What's up y'all? Welcome back to the Before You Speak podcast. I am your host, Derek Peterson, just processing the fire hose of my newsfeed with this guy over here, Mr. Elwin Hutter, somewhere. He's in the general vicinity. He's either this way or this way, if you're watching on YouTube. Elwyn: Hey everybody, I am Elwin and the fire hose of my newsfeed today is, Well, if I was a J6er, it'd be filled with money. But I'm not, so it's filled with, I think, tears of a father on the cusp of graduating a kid, and also the fuckin' mustard on the burger that I got at the drive-thru that was not my burger. I got a plain burger with mustard and lettuce, the wrong order, which is disgusting. who fuckin' goes to a A drive-thru and orders a burger with mustard and lettuce? What is that? It's awful. Derek Peterson: Dude we both had some pretty terrible tasting experiences as of late. Last night I was filling up my water and I couldn't find the straw because I have a Stanley cup and we only have like two straws fit the like that are long enough for it. So there's one in the drawer and I pull it out and I put it in my drink I go upstairs and about like 10-thirty. I'm already half asleep and I go to take a sip of water and I get like a chunk of like old orange and like some other stuff in that was apparently inside the straw already. Dude, I just about lost my damn mind. I was so mad because I had to then go back downstairs, clean out the straw, refill up my water. I'm like, it was not good. Surprise straw entries are not a thing. They shouldn't. Elwyn: Hell no. ⁓ no. I was stuck. I was driving back, Bianca and I had stopped at a drive-thru and she finishes the fries and she opens the bag and there should be two burgers, there's only one and she looks at the label, the receipt and she's like, oh fuck, this is the wrong one. She's all mad, so I'm like, all right, I'll eat it. And literally every bite I'm just like, oh this is really terrible. Oh this is really, this is really bad. So, God, it's awful. Derek Peterson: shinbi. You It's so bad Do you know what the only thing worse than that is? MAGA winning ⁓ elections Elwyn: Well, is that bad? Or does it make it easier to beat those fuckers in November? Derek Peterson: ⁓ dude, I don't know. I mean, I guess I've lost. I guess to be honest, at this moment, I'm rethinking my entire life's decisions, right? I think maybe I should have just gone hard MAGA and I'd be got, dude, if we had stormed the Capitol, we might be in line for a payday here. So the... Elwyn: Decent money, I feel like they're gonna get decent money, those guys. But no, the elections... Derek Peterson: See, if you're a smart person that's MAGA and you just use it to capitalize on all of the things that they capitalize on, now if you're one of the dumb ones that just pays, gives them money and pays for all their bullshit, that's a different story. But, you know, I'd get in line for the checks they're about to hand out. Elwyn: Yeah, no, I think the first thing, the primaries last night, ⁓ Trump had a great night because all, like basically all his candidates won their primaries and all the guys that have ever lifted a finger against Trump lost. had Massey and Raffensperger in Georgia. Those are two of the bigger ones. you know, the guys that are winning, he also endorsed Paxton, Ken Paxton in Texas for Senate. ⁓ Derek Peterson: So weird. Elwyn: So the people that are winning, his candidates are insane. Look, Thomas Massey is a piece of shit. He is right on the Epstein files. He is wrong on everything else. You know, and for him to not be, he lost to a guy that's even crazier and even more of a piece of shit. So, you know, you have Trump with this 33, 34 % approval rating that's only going down. You know, even in a Kentucky district, If you have, I feel like if you look at Massey, there are gonna be people who are like, you know what, I really am not happy with Trump, but I'm not voting for a Democrat. And my guy Massey is, he stands up to Trump, I love him, I'm gonna vote for him. Well now, there's people who are gonna stay home. There are plenty of voters now, I think, more and more, and they're watching Trump, they're, the outer layer of the MAGA movement that are just... They've had it. It shows in his approval rating. It shows in every metric that you can possibly see. So the more right and more MAGA these candidates become, it's an opening for the left. I don't know if it's possible, but it's an opening. And if not, man, we're going to have some real kooky town in Washington next year. Derek Peterson: Yeah, it makes me a little nervous. think there's like, and I heard somebody talking about this on threads where it was, you know, exactly what you said. you know, Massey was like somebody, a Republican that actually held to his values, right? You know, he fought, he fought them on Epstein was still in the camp of no new wars. Kind of reminds me of a ⁓ little bit of a Adam Kinzinger. ⁓ vibes or slowly becoming that. I like Adam Kinzinger a little more. ⁓ you know, like there's things about what Thomas Massey said that sometimes there's things about I can respect Thomas Massey's type Republicans from time to time. Like we can view certain situations different. ⁓ And I can respect that. they prefer to not do things a specific way because of their own values, where it's not just straight corruption and lies and, you know, like coverups. I think that that's a difference of opinion in a different way of thinking. I can understand that, but like the people that are just like, I have no morals and values and I'm throwing them all out the window and I'm just going to fall in line with whatever they tell me to do in hopes to further my career. That's the kind of shit I can't stand. And that's basically the entire Republican Party now. Elwyn: Yeah, I mean, think, yeah, and I like, don't have to agree with Massey on anything at all. I mean, he's right on the Epstein files, but even if he, you and you're exactly right. You know, he has a set of values and he conducts himself in line with those values. Always. It's going back years. They've been profiling him for years. And that's always been the thing where he'll buck the party or he'll be... you know, one of seven people who are preventing someone from being elected speaker, whatever. It's always, there's a straight through line with all of it that represent like, okay, we know what Massey's gonna do and he's gonna do it. ⁓ But these other guys, these mega guys, it's just a cult of personality. There's no coherent policy. There's no coherent understanding of foreign relations or the economy or what is actually going on. There's no coherent memory of what you had to stand up for 48 hours ago, you know, and now Trump pulled the rug out from under you and you have to stand up for something completely different. You know, it's all transactional now. So like, no, I'm not confident that a guy like Massey lost that somebody that the Democrat is going to carry that district. But, you know, it does make me more confident about Texas Senate, you know, if Paxton's going to win, because I think that in some of these places, Yeah, people are just fed up with the MAGA, with MAGA. Derek Peterson: I don't know how you cannot be at this point. Granted, I don't watch Fox News. can't. I've I've tried a number of times to put it on and it just feels like... It makes me angry at the core because when I watch it, all I can think of is there's people that are watching this and believe it. ⁓ And so it's so hard for me to actually sit down and try to understand what the other side is thinking. because it's half this shit that they say is so egregiously wrong. ⁓ But, you know, with that said, I, you know, I'm curious if some of this stuff opens the doors for guys like Massey in a different way. ⁓ Again, like I don't agree with Massey on a lot, but the no new wars, you know, I, he was a no new wars guy and released the EPC files. He was working with Rokana on that. And I have a lot of respect for that because he went against the ⁓ marching orders of the MAGA folk to actually stand up for himself. you know, I wish more Republicans could do that. Elwyn: Yeah, I mean the hope is that, you know, Massey in particular, he said it last night, he's like, I'm still there for seven more months and that he just fucking reads the Epstein files out loud or just blows the cover off of a whole bunch of stuff that he knows is going on. I suspect that my hope in that is kind of like me eating that burger with mustard on it. Like, it's... Derek Peterson: Burn it down. Elwyn: Every bite is just as disappointing and this is just me going back for another bite and it's not and marjorie taylor green didn't do it, you know, none of these Cowards who retire instead of getting primaried out they none of them ever like blow anything up. So But who knows he's the kind of guy who might actually do it. So i'll i'll take another bite of the mustard burger Derek Peterson: Yeah. Well, ⁓ and then we got to talk about this slush fun because it's the thing that everybody's talking about. It's the, it's the, it potentially like, Liz or the former pardon attorney for the DOJ. She's a great follow on Instagram, by the way. ⁓ she read flags, all this stuff. And she said that this might be the most egregious corruption that the DOJ has ever seen. ⁓ and then furthermore, Elwyn: God. Derek Peterson: the document that the Department of Justice is, it's confirmed. You know, I mentioned this last week, but yeah, basically what they're saying is, is that the IRS cannot audit Trump ever again or his family after this. ⁓ And so that, which just brings me to the point where I'm like, yeah, Democrats, have all of the fuel for, to, to, you have everything you need laid out right in front of you. And if somebody does not take this shit and run with it, yeah, like, I'm going to stay home. I need somebody that is going to be willing to prosecute corruption and is going to fix our Department of Justice and is going to push for ⁓ Supreme Court reform. Elwyn: Yeah, I mean, I heard Shapiro say it, ⁓ or maybe Ossoff, I don't know. They kind of look the same to me. But, you know, it's... Yeah. All... No, I don't think so. All mediocre white politicians look the same. But, you know, he... Derek Peterson: Wait, Shapiro's Jewish though, right? Ossoff's not? Yeah Maybe that's why we need to get into the race, Alwin. Elwyn: Yeah, some mediocre white politician who was going to take a stab at the presidency was out saying it like, we have money for the January 6 criminals, but we don't have money for health care. And like that has to be the drumbeat always and forever and more. It has to be more. And you can throw in the audio clip of Trump saying, I don't care about your finances and then show like just it's such low hanging fruit, you know, and why we're not we're not we should be being hammered with clips of this from everybody every day. It's the easiest thing in the world. I could get up and give a stump speech on this shit now. I could do it right now. I could go for 20 minutes right now about it and get everybody fired up, right? But the slush fund is not just, it's not just the paying the January sixers. It's the, you know, we don't know this for sure. But it makes a ton of sense, like, cool, he's buying himself a private militia. Right? These people were all willing, yeah, these people were all willing to storm the Capitol for him for free. What are they going to be willing to do on election day when they just got paid? Yeah. Derek Peterson: ⁓ and lawyers. I don't think this money is going, I don't think any of that money is going to any of them anyway. Like everything that he's done in the past where he's like, yeah, I'm gonna give back to, I'm gonna send people checks for anything. The Doge checks, the, I was like, yeah, dude, he's using this for his lawyers. He's gonna use it to pay to fund. Elwyn: Yeah. That thought occurred to me too. Derek Peterson: his own personal lawyers to get them out of bullshit. And to be honest, it might even be a way of back paying lawyers that he already owes money to because he's historically known for not paying people. So it... Elwyn: Why is he going to pay them now? He's never going to pay his lawyers. He could have had that done a while ago. I kind of think they will get something because it's very, very politically popular for him in those circles. And he doesn't have to give it to anyone else. He can just narrowly target these payments to people who shit on the Capitol building floor as they were trying to overthrow the government. Derek Peterson: Sure. Elwyn: You know, it's it's bonkers, right, that our president sued our government. Or so the guy who is now our president sued our government before he became president. Once he became president, he gets to install an attorney general. All of a sudden that attorney general is able to use our money to pay off the president who sued our government. You know, this is just unbelievable corruption, so the guy is now our president sued our government before he became president. Once he became president, he gets to install an attorney general. All of a sudden that attorney general is able to use our money to pay off the president who sued our government. You know, this is just unbelievable corruption, you leaving aside it's going. You know, it's no worse than or better than him giving the 10 billion directly to himself. It's just you can't direct the IRS to give the money where you want the IRS to give the money for a lawsuit that you filed against them. It's our money. Derek Peterson: It's the grossest thing ever. And it just makes me sad, dude, that people in power don't, the people in power genuinely do not have our interests at heart. It feels like none of them. And it sucks that it feels like just about everybody, dude, the Fetterman voting for all this stuff too just kills me. Every time I'm like, ⁓ and Fetterman was the deciding vote. Now they're building the ballroom and now they're doing, I'm like, dude, these people just, they get paid off. They're like, I'm out anyway, so I might as well just take my money and run what I can get from the government or from anything. dude, that's what it feels like is going on and it is clearly happening in front of our eyes. What's that? Elwyn: Well, heard Mike Johnson about the insider trading. Derek Peterson: is exactly what we've been talking about, ⁓ pay these people more money ⁓ then ⁓ it. Elwyn: I mean, right. So yeah, you know, Mike Johnson was asked why he won't support ⁓ legislation to ban insider trading by members of Congress. And his answer was, we only make $174,000 a year if we should be able to do insider trading. It's like, my God, man, like. Derek Peterson: It's. Elwyn: It's against the law. It's a fucking crime. Okay, you guys write the laws. This shit is against the law. I get it. You're you you want more than $174,000. You deserve more than $174,000. No argument. Give yourself a fucking raise then. Okay, you write the laws. You write the laws. Okay, don't give yourself a license to be nakedly corrupt and trade on insider information because why aren't you just also legislating on insider information? ⁓ if I pass this law, if I don't vote for a resolution against the war in Iran, then I know that I'm going to be able to make more money in my oil stocks and whatever. The corruption, we've been talking about it, it never ceases to boggle my mind. And man, again, the Democrats, if they take the House, they fucking better be there on day one with all these anti-corruption laws. Pass them all. and win the Senate, pass them all, and then make Trump veto them. Make Trump stand for the corruption. Do it on a party line. Show yourself, Democrats, this time to be the party of some values, the party that everybody thought you were 10 years ago. Because the other side is on record now, over and over again, in favor of their corruption, openly and explicitly. There could not, it's like a 40-lane highway. Derek Peterson: dude and they Trump's personally traded 3,700 times in the effort in 2026 which is I think they said like on average eight trades a day which is insane insane that he's buying Nvidia stock right before they announced that a video Nvidia is gonna sell chips to China now like Elwyn: Yeah. Derek Peterson: Dude, this shit does not get any more corrupt than this and it starts from the top down. And this is the most, this is the scariest part about it is that, you know, like we talk about this shit with sports teams all the time, right? Like the best sports teams typically have the best owners. Like because the owners set the precedent for the entire franchise and club from the, goes owners, GM, coaches. But if your owner's a piece of shit, puts all this stress on the GM and then the GM struggles to get good coaches, blah, blah. It trickles down, right? And with Trump being the president, the end all be all, and being so openly corrupt, it is literally just opening up the floodgates of all this shit. And widening the wealth gap too. Like all this stuff is, this is the kind of stuff that makes people the middle class and poor. get to a point where they're so angry and disgusted that yeah, shit starts to like, if it doesn't change violence happens because there's no other choice. Like, you know, they don't care about gas being $5 a gallon. They don't care that insurance premiums are up. They don't care that you can't afford food. They don't care that, you know, the mortgage on your house went up because your property taxes just increased. don't care. Like none of this stuff matters because a few hundred dollars to them, they don't give a shit, but a few hundred dollars to somebody that's on a fixed salary and a fixed income matters because that that $200 now is taking away from something that they enjoy doing to pay for something that they have typically paid less for at the time or with where they're where they're at and what they're doing. So yeah, this stuff makes people incredibly angry and I genuinely could see why people will lose their shit at some point. Like it feels like a boiling point is coming at some point. So but well, let's we'll wrap our news segment up there and we're going to We're gonna talk about something a little bit different today. We're gonna talk. Go ahead, I'll let you, I'll let you. Well, I'm a ways away. We decided we're gonna talk about fatherhood a little bit today because ⁓ your daughter is graduating ⁓ and flying the nest, which is a beautiful thing. ⁓ My kids are ⁓ a few years away from that. I have a 15 year old, so she's. Elwyn: Yeah, so... go. you're... No, your job is to introduce. Derek Peterson: three years away from ⁓ the situation you're in. we ⁓ thought this would be with ⁓ B graduating tonight. ⁓ This is probably a good way to, ⁓ you know, if nothing else, put just some thoughts down that may be remembered in the future by our, or seen by our children. Elwyn: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, think the thing that struck me about doing this podcast today and why I thought it might be interesting to talk about it is, what I'm, you know, my kid graduating high school, my oldest kid graduating high school, there's nothing unique or special about this, right? Happens to almost every parent. It's kind of like when people think getting pregnant is like something unique and special. No, fuck ton of people do it. ⁓ But, I find it really interesting personally when you can identify a major milestone moment in time in your life as it's happening. Sometimes, a lot of times when we, the biggest things that happen in our life, we don't necessarily realize them until after. So there are maybe 10. you know, giving birth or having your first kid, death of your parents, know, maybe getting married goes in one of them, although I don't know. I kind of see that as slightly different. ⁓ You know, I think it's more. Derek Peterson: Not when you've been married as many times as I have. Elwyn: Yeah, but I also, think it's also more things that kind of happen, you know, where you're less the focal point, right? Where it's things that you're right in the mix. You're on the court, you're in the starting five, but it's not your thing. You're just there for it. It's happening to someone else, but it's still your life. There's just, so I just think it's really interesting to stand like right there, right in that moment, you know, in four hours. Bianca will be graduating high school and in two weeks she's going to be leaving. Right? And it makes you think about all the shit that's happened in the past and reflect on it and remember it. in a way, there are some things I've done that I look back with her and I'm incredibly regretful for. Where I think that I handle things really, really poorly and... I know exactly what they are because she's told me what they are. And when she told me like, she's a diver, ⁓ I'll give some anecdotes throughout this because whatever. ⁓ She started diving in New York. We moved from New York about 10 years ago. And a couple of years after we moved here, we went back to New York and she was going to go practice with her old club. So we pulled in to the parking lot and ⁓ I said, hey, what's it feel like being back here? What's the first thing that pops into your mind when you, when we drive up to this parking lot and she goes, you yelling at me in the stairway. Just like that. There was no doubt. There was no question. And I know exactly what she's talking about. I know exactly the incident. It wasn't like I would yell at her every day, but I know exactly the day, exactly the incident she was talking about. And it was like a fucking dagger with a kick in the balls at the same time. Right? Like, oh my God, that's. what she remembers. She doesn't remember success or friendship or coaching or funny car rides. She remembers me yelling at her in the stairway. So there's plenty of moments that I regret, but this is not about thinking about those. It's about thinking about what I'm gonna miss and how the void of the... the relationship, the change in the relationship leaves a void. It must because she's no longer near me. Once she moves to Iowa, she's no longer going be near me. So there's certainly a physical void that exists. So how does that physical void get filled ⁓ in the context of my relationship with her? ⁓ She and I are very close. We've spent a lot of time together because of all the drives to College Station. So thinking Derek Peterson: Yeah. Well, was going to say just for context for anybody that doesn't know too, the amount of time you've invested in, ⁓ in just her diving, you know, and the, you know, my knowledge of you and hers relationship is limited because, ⁓ you know, I haven't been, I haven't spent a bunch of time around her. to be honest, she's practicing all the time and you're driving her so, and you're driving your kid, you know, hours away in a car, you know, ⁓ a few times a week, which also leads for a lot of time, you know, there was a, listened to a guy preach years ago and, ⁓ I think this is one thing that I will say that I think is a beautiful about you and Bianca's relationship because, know, just from an outsider's perspective, I see what you guys have. And I think it's awesome. I think I can see how much she really looks up to you and, ⁓ and respects who you are as a person. But there was a, I was listening to a pastor talk one time and he was saying that, you know, kids spell love, T-I-M-E. And it's not quality time, it's quantity of time. Like there is a, there's a level of just being around parents that kids need. And this is one of the hardest things I struggle with with being in a divorce family is that I don't get to be around my girls ⁓ every day. Like I don't get to see them every day when they come home. so, then furthermore, me and their mom have very specific, like very different values with how we have live life. So every time they come back, there's an adjustment period. We're kind of figuring it out for a day or two. And then it's, and then we kind of get aligned and it's, it's going, but yeah, I, it breaks my heart to hear you tell that story because I can almost guarantee that my daughters would probably have a similar. They probably have a lot of different moments too with me where what they actually remember more than anything was me yelling at them or correcting them rather than being present and enjoying them. So I guess my hope is that I can be more present in the future in hopes to erase all that shit. So they're not in therapy their whole lives after all of this, right? Elwyn: Yeah. Right. You know, it's funny because we have this ⁓ member at the gym. He just joined fairly recently. you know, since he's got a one year old and a four year old and I was coaching him yesterday and, you know, I mentioned that today is his graduation. He like, you know, he understood immediately. He was like, ⁓ man, it's like, ⁓ I'm sorry. Like he got it right away. And then he asked, you know, he knows she's everybody that knows me knows she's a really good diver. He basically asked me, well, what advice would you give from someone who has raised ⁓ a kid who's pretty high performing? Which I think is just objectively the case. She's got a scholarship to the Big Ten. She's in the honors program at Iowa. I'm not bragging. It's just objectively true. And it took me a minute. The answer I came up with was I don't have a piece of advice for that. most, the biggest effect, the biggest impact that I had on her that I can think of was getting too involved in fucking shit up. So it's like, what do I need to do to raise a high performing kid? You need to not fuck that up. You need to enable and support. Derek Peterson: Get out of the way. Elwyn: Right, you need to enable and support and monitor and make sure that things are going well, but get the fuck out of the way. Right? And let them love it and let them make their own decisions. And I mean, I got in the way a bunch of times, but I think that, you know, to her credit, she always forgave me. ⁓ To my credit, I think I apologized when I needed to apologize. And if I didn't, then I explained why I needed... why I did what I did in a manner that I would say, I don't need you to agree with me here. I want you to hear why. So it's just kind of a level of honesty. And it's really interesting, the thing you said about the pastor and time. One of the things, here's the first part, I'll get choked up. One of the things that I've really noticed and appreciated in the last week is her wanting to spend time with me. You know, that means a lot, right? Like, she could be running away. But, you know, she's like, I want to come to the gym. I want to, I want to... She's not saying I want to spend time with you, but she is spending time with me. And that means so much. Yeah. Derek Peterson: Yeah, that's hard. Of course. Yeah. They won't say it. They won't say it like that. Yeah, that's that's a step that might be a little too vulnerable for them. But like the fact that she is around you and wanting to be around you speaks. I mean, as you know, when my kids are like when my kids are like, hey, can you come pick me up? I'm like, fuck yeah. Like it means they're they're they're wanting to be around me. And I adore every second of it. You know what mean? Yeah. Elwyn: Yeah, no, the because the fear is that void the fear is she's not going to be here right so now the time has to be filled on the phone or in text messages and we've you know it's been a blessing in disguise for us that I think that we were not driving traveling to College Station every every day ⁓ because she's taken herself to practice so we've had the separation and we've learned to fill the time to to connect and communicate with each other on the phone or through other things. so we're starting to learn, or I'm starting to learn. But there are these graphs that show the amount of time the kids spend with their parents. And when they hit 18 years old, that graph, it's like a fucking cliff. It goes straight down. Obviously, it goes straight down. But we get lost for 18 years. Derek Peterson: ⁓ yeah. Elwyn: You get lost in taking care of the kid and in the day to day of changing diapers and homework and take a shower and did you eat, clean up after yourself, do the fucking dishes, your room's a mess. You we get lost in all of that for so long that like, right now it's just like, man, I don't care. Okay, her car's a mess, she's gonna have to figure this shit out with her roommate on her own. And I don't care. I would do it the same way every time. Derek Peterson: Yeah, dude, it's funny. My grandma had a, and I don't remember the poem, but she had this really cool knitted poem that she had up on her wall. ⁓ and it's funny cause I remember it, but it never made sense to me until becoming a dad, but it was something about like, you know, the cobwebs or weight, the dishes, all that kind of stuff, because, know, these moments that you have with your kids, they're going to be gone one day and you're gonna, you're gonna miss it. ⁓ and You know, like what you just said is really key. Like as like a few years ago, I noticed that, man, like I was angry almost all the time. My kids were around like every, every time it was just like this constant correction, constant, feeling like I'm getting pulled in so many directions and literally had to sit down and write a new year's resolution to be like, I don't want to be this person to them. Like, And it means that I have to start letting some shit go. Like I need to stop carrying more about how the house looks than I care about them. Sometimes I need to stop caring more about, you know, what they're doing and what they're watching and be more interested in what they, who they are and trying to connect with them on that. And it's fucking hard. It is really fucking hard to go from this little human being that you are required to do everything for physically, you know, you. change their diapers, you feed them their food, you do all that. And then it's like this slow transition of learning to just let go and accept them for who they are when you have like all the control over them early in life, right? And it's this, it's weird kind of setup, but then, you know, and then when you get here, it's like, ⁓ shit, I feel like, I feel like one of those ⁓ NFL players that finally retired and they're like, I, you what do you do? I've only thought about playing football for the last 35 years and now all of sudden I have to think about something else? Like what? Elwyn: Yeah, and like I said, nothing that I'm going through is new. this point in time, it's not new. raising kids is really a strange thing because the best measure of success is their readiness to be without you. And by the time you get there, that's not what you want anymore. It's like, ⁓ great. Derek Peterson: Yeah. Elwyn: Bianca's ready, man, she is ready to go. She's looking forward to it. She's got a good place. She's got a good setup. I think she's gonna do great. I see how she handles adult tasks and she handles them very well. She is ready, right? And I want her to be ready. And that's what all this shit was for, was for her to be ready. It's just for her to be, you I want her to be ready down the street. You know, that's what I want, you know, but that's unreasonable because... Derek Peterson: Yeah. Elwyn: You can't hover, you can't always be there. There has to be the growth of separation. So it's just really, it's really interesting. know, there's a few points in my life where I can remember right in the moment, like the day, knowing like, okay, and she's not actually leaving for a couple of weeks, but graduation is like a pretty big deal. You know, but it's like when we adopted, Derek Peterson: Yeah. Yeah, of course. Elwyn: When we adopted my younger daughter, I remember walking up the stairs to the adoption, the social services office in Bulgaria. At the top of the stairs, there's a door. And I remember walking up those stairs going, whoa, this is some trippy shit, man, because I am about to open this door. And on the other side is a new kid. Right? And of course, people give birth, but... Derek Peterson: Yeah. Elwyn: giving birth, there's labor and there's nine months to get ready and you're nesting and you're doing all this shit and it's, it's much, there's much more buildup, right? Here we had waited, waited, waited. There was a little burst of activity. Then we waited, waited, waited. And we got there. We got to Bulgaria. She's adopted from Bulgaria. We got to Bulgaria at like two in the morning, got up at five in the morning, flew to the city where she lived and walked up the stairs, right? It was like that fast. And she's just like, whoa. And she's two and a half. She's already formed. Derek Peterson: Mm-hmm. Elwyn: And the other one was like going, when my dad died, he died during COVID and we had to take him off the ventilator. It was like, you're driving there to do this thing. Right? And now it's like driving to, this kind of falls in that same thing where it's like, we all know it's coming. There's nothing we can do. Right? So. Derek Peterson: Yeah. Hmm. Elwyn: What I like about it and I like about talking about this stuff is I think it's really neat and I hope everybody does this. I hope more people do it than I think do it. Where you just take the time to be like, no, this is actually a big deal. Like this moment, right now, I'm not lost in the planning. I'm not lost in the party and what I'm gonna wear. I'm like acutely aware of what the moment is. And that's the most important thing. Derek Peterson: Yeah. Dude, it ties into just, I think, general struggles with, and I'm going to speak more to the male dynamic than anything else. And I think it might pertain to women as well, but I think women are probably far better at doing this at times is just being present. Like learning how to actually let shit go and learning how to stop stressing the shit that isn't that important. And look, there's a lot of stuff in life that we need to stress about. we have a podcast where we talk a lot about this stuff that impacts our lives every day. But the most impact that I think we genuinely can have isn't going to be through this microphone or ⁓ through anything else that we do. I think the biggest impact we have is the relationships we build with our children, because if we set them up correctly, my hope is that generationally that they are better humans than I am. and that their impact in the world is a bigger stamp than a bigger stamp for good, right? A bigger stamp of love than something I could ever give. I hope that my kids do that. when I, like, you're right. The moments that I adore with my children, especially now, are the moments I know they actually want to hang out with me. So like when they like cuddle up with me or they're get excited about a daddy daughter date, or like, can kind of see that they really want to talk to me about something and they're waiting for it. And I do daddy daughter dates with my daughters ⁓ every two weeks. And so, ⁓ they know that they get alone time with me during that time. And so oftentimes they'll wait to ask me questions, ⁓ until we have that. And it's kind of become a staple. We've been doing it for a few years now, but man, it's, ⁓ I. I really look forward to it now. they sometimes they're shorter and better than others. yeah, like, you know, this, it comes and it goes and what everybody says is correct. Like if you, if you, if you're not allowing yourself to be present, you're going to miss it and you're probably going to look back on it and you're going to regret that you were just rushing them to grow up because once they're gone, you're going to look back and be like, what the fuck was the point of all this? If, if we don't, if we don't have a relationship. Elwyn: Yeah, there's like, think memories come from two places, right? They come from big special events, but then they also come from the small little shit, right? Like I asked you last week, the question about like, when someone who is deaf thinks in their head, they, what language, right? That was because, you know, like 11 o'clock at night, Bianca found some webpage with like weird questions and we stayed up for an hour, you know. Derek Peterson: Yeah Elwyn: Asking and answering these weird questions. It wasn't an event. It wasn't something we planned It was just we were fucking bored watching TV Whatever game was on was over and she started asking these questions and the next thing I know it's it's an hour later and we're still asking these questions Those are you know, that's where the that's where so many memories happen in just the time, you know that being present and you know, it's I feel One of the things that makes me really, you know, I feel sad for, you know, both Bianca and Lisa and Lisa, this is no shade. I know she listens to the podcast, you know, and I think this happened. think this is she does. She does. ⁓ I think this happens to a lot of mother daughter in a lot of mother daughter relationships from what I've heard. like Lisa is just, you know, she works so hard for us all. Derek Peterson: Wait, she listens now? Elwyn: And so much of what we have is because of what she does and the effort she puts in professionally to support our family so that I can sit here to 30 and do this shit, you know, ⁓ but as a result, right, she's more sensitive to the dishes and stuff like that. And when she is done with work, that her time would be taken by the mess that's been left by other people who she's working to support. You know, I feel like That's a huge, huge struggle for her. And I feel like that cost them like years. And they're great now. It's great. see them like, I don't even know when it started, but it's like, it's really good now and credit to both of them. But I think it's so hard for some people to not look at the day to day, to sacrifice the environment that they in some cases want and in other cases need for this sort of amorphous, cloudy promise of maybe a memory or maybe You're sitting with watching TV that night and the kid is just zoned in on their phone and then they go to bed and nothing happened and the fucking dishes are out. There's no memory there except for I'm annoyed that I have to do the dishes. It's one in fifty times that you get the memory. But the memory lasts forever. We'll be doing dishes till the day we die. ⁓ You know, so it's like it's hard. I think it's really hard to give yourself that grace to to understand, to allow for that space. think it's really easy for me to sit here and say it. I think it's really, really hard in execution. And probably I'm a bit of a bum. Derek Peterson: ⁓ dude, it's like the hardest. Yeah. I was going to say it's the hardest shit in the world to do an execution, know? Cause you know, when we like going back to that, what I was saying about that pastor, when he's like, you spell love T I ⁓ E like that is, I think what I think the, way I've ⁓ deciphered that now with being, having the experience of being a father and a stepdad is that you, the, it's, it's the moments like when you were driving. be to college station and back, you know, two or three times a week in the car. And dude, it's even if those car rides are silent, there's a level of trust that's being built during that period of time, right? Just you're being, next to each other. You learn each other. And the, the, the case that's made here is, is that the memories we build are special and the, the high points are great when that trust is built. When you're so comfortable with somebody that you can let your emotions go and experience joy and peace because you know you're safe, you know that everything's okay. That's what builds ultimately the culture for that. And I think that, you know, as a parent, that's the part of all this that we're striving towards, right? Is that I just want my kids to feel safe and at home enough that when those points come up, that we can experience joy together. That it's actually that they know that they're safe, that they know that we're good and that it's the whole situation. And it's funny because Tamara has a different set of struggles. Like, you know, my wife is deaf and when we first started dating, one of her biggest fears about dating me as a hearing person was that her kids would stop signing. and that her kids would also want to be in relationship with other people that didn't sign. ⁓ that's a huge deal for her because she's like communication. I think my encouragement to her was A, one, I'm always going to have her back, which I always will. But two, I think we've really tried to shift over the last two years to build a place where when our kids come back to us, they feel welcomed and loved no matter what. And I was like, when you, when you as a parent create a place that your kids feel welcomed and loved all the time and they're accepted for who they are, your kids are going to want to come back to that. They're going to, they're going to, cause when they leave, they're, you know, freedom is great until the first time you meet an asshole. And then you're like, I wish my fucking dad was here to like deal with this piece of shit, you know, like, and there's a plenty of them. And so, you know, like my hope for us, and I told my wife, this was just look, let's, if we're focused on just being the best people we can be, then my hope is, that our kids always want to come back. And it doesn't mean that we don't, we have to sacrifice our values or, you know, just, you know, allow them to do whatever they want to do. Elwyn: you Derek Peterson: because that's not love either. Love is upholding our values, but also just letting them know, like we love you and we're here no matter what. And then just trying to be myself. also, this has probably been one of the hardest things. And I experienced it a little with my daughters, but I experienced it with my stepkids at times, is just sometimes they don't like me and I have to just be okay with it. And if they don't like me and they don't want to be around me I also have to accept that maybe they don't like me and they don't want to be around me so which Elwyn: Sometimes I don't like my kids and I don't want to be around them. That's the human condition. Derek Peterson: Yes, I was going to say that. I would say at this at this point, that's a relatively often thing for me. Elwyn: But you know, I think... But but I think you know You're you're I completely agree with you like you know, my hope is that In the future Bianca comes back to to wherever we're living and just sits there You know, it's not a holiday it's not you know, of course I hope she comes for games and we get to watch all the all the all the good shit together But I hope that there are times when I... She fills a need simply by being near me. And that's it, right? We'll talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about anything. But my presence is home. That's what I hope for. Derek Peterson: Yeah, it's a beautiful thing, man. And to be honest, from an outsider's perspective, I think you've accomplished it. Like, you know, the hope is the hope is, is that we all have a relationship with our daughters that they don't feel judged and they don't feel like to be in our presence that they are required to perform or do something that is abnormal, but that we just enjoy them as people. ⁓ Elwyn: Thank you. Derek Peterson: And for the most part with my kids, I really, I've, especially with my oldest daughter, you know, like we're getting to the point where, mean, she's a lot like me. So we butt heads a lot, but the moments that we connect, it's actually really fucking great. ⁓ it's just, you know, it's also really hard sometimes. So Elwyn: I laughed there because I think I have my focus settings so that I can text from her, know, and Lisa and Willow all come through. So she must be outside. She just texted me, and aww. You Derek Peterson: Like yo Bianca you're not supposed to listen to this podcast until he dies. All right ⁓ gotcha well the that's good is there so any any other parenting advice that you would bestow on us today before we ⁓ Tell somebody to shut the fuck up Ellen Elwyn: That's right. I told her we were talking about her. No, I think what I said before is like, I really think if you can spot a moment as it's happening and... Drop everything, if you can. When we were doing those questions, I was like, I'm ready for bed. But no, this is happening right now. This is better. If you can drop everything when you feel that moment, do it. Drop it all. Live in that moment. And when it's a big moment, like tonight, know it. Live in it. Absorb it all before, during, and after. think that's the most enriching thing that we could do. Derek Peterson: Man, it's a tale as old as time, but probably one that will go on forever as well because as soon as we get old enough to worry about shit, we start worrying about it and we forget that ⁓ there's beauty going on all around us all the time. And if we don't actually take a second to embrace it and really enjoy it for what it is, we're going to miss it and look back and be like, what the? Like man that sucks and celebrating those moments man. It's it's a it's a as a parent There's just something that's so fucking hard about that dynamic to just be able to let go and allow your look at your kids as human beings and people and just be present with them rather than Trying to control some form of outcome and you know, like I guess it's a skill set that we all have to learn but The ones that get better at it earlier, ⁓ man, they live a much more blessed life in my opinion. Probably one that's a little more fulfilling at least. ⁓ well, are we telling somebody to shut the fuck up today, Owen? What's going on here? ⁓ Elwyn: We are, we are. So shut the fuck up me, me. I... You're gonna, and you're gonna love this one. Yeah, you're, that's right. No, you're really, you're really gonna love this one. Okay? Because we had all this family over this weekend and on Friday night when most people came into town, we sort of invited people when they came in to come over for dinner and we got some Rudy's and well, so... Derek Peterson: Yes, I've been waiting for this one. Elwyn: Lisa's brother was here. He came in Thursday and you know, we enjoy sharing a glass of whiskey together You know, so we're hanging out Friday and I hadn't really been drinking anything because Saturday Sunday were just packed packed in days And my uncle shows up who he's also a big whiskey fan and I haven't seen him in a long time and so he comes in and I'm kind of like excited and my god you want some whiskey and I give him a glass and I give another sort of uncle cousin a glass and I just completely fucking space on the fact that Nick is right there. Right? It's the same thing I did to you. It's the same fucking thing I did to you when you came in and I was yammering on about buying a house and you're like, bro, I'm right fucking here and I'm a realtor. Right? Nick is like, bro, I'm right fucking here and I love fucking whiskey. And, you know, and he was really quite upset. Justifiably so. Justifiably so. I Lisa told me he was upset and she had my back and you know, and I called him the next day and apologized, but it's like, man, sometimes I gotta open my eyes and shut the fuck up for a moment, take a look at who's around me ⁓ and map, you know, what I know is important to those people over the thing that's the most important to me in that moment, right? It's a hole in my game that I know about that. ⁓ You know, really puts people that are close to me and makes them feel like shit sometimes. And I can do better, so I gotta shut the fuck up sometimes. And just, you the least I can do is apologize after I fuck it up. ⁓ You know, I didn't come to his house, I didn't go standing with the radio outside like John Cusack. No, but the shut the fuck up is... Derek Peterson: Hahaha You don't like him as much as you like me? I'll take it that way. Elwyn: He was here for like four more days, had the opportunity. No, so me, I need to always keep learning when shutting the fuck up is appropriate ⁓ and recognizing that I live in a society just like everybody else. And as much as I don't want people saying and doing shit that leaves me feeling like I'm out in the cold. Derek Peterson: Hahaha. Elwyn: that sometimes I really do do that and you know not everybody does it's one of the things that I do I know I've done it now a few times and I need to keep learning so I need to need to shut the fuck up this time and learn Derek Peterson: Well, the self-awareness of being, think it's usually what comes after that matters the most, right? That's the thing that I think ⁓ as an adult, we all recognize the fact that we're not gonna be perfect and we're gonna step on other people's emotions at times and we can all be shitty to somebody and... oftentimes just out of negligence, but the fact that you're willing to own it and you are willing to apologize says more about who you are than, you ⁓ probably 80 % of the rest of the population at this point. ⁓ Elwyn: Yeah, you're probably right, but I take that more as a sad commentary on everybody else. ⁓ I don't believe people should get a ton of credit for doing the thing that they should do. You should get credit for doing something unusual. You shouldn't get too much credit for doing the shit you should do. Derek Peterson: Hahaha ⁓ fair... extraordinary, yes. We should not be applauding people making apologies, when an apology is necessary. what I will say is, that, you know, there is a, it's like thoughtfulness. It's really challenging to be thoughtful to everybody around you when in the throws of certain moments, you know, like it's, that's a, that's a challenging thing. And I don't think everybody's focused on what's going on in their life to some degree. And so. I would say give yourself a little grace there, but I think it's awesome that you acknowledge it and move on. Kudos, bro. I kind of wish you'd fucked up a little bit more so I could have something to dangle over your head, but I was kind of hoping for something a little bit better than that, but. Elwyn: Thanks man, appreciate it. Hahaha! That's why you apologize. That's why apologies work, right? An apology is just an acknowledgement that you fucked up. And once you make that acknowledgement, like, you've not made it right, but you've closed the door on too much further criticism. It's like, I'm sorry. Like I said, I was sorry, man. I fucked up. I can't make it right. All I can do is tell you that I know I fucked it up. Derek Peterson: hahahaha Elwyn: It's kind of over at that point, so... Derek Peterson: Yeah, you are correct. And at that point, you know, like there's a, there's a truthfulness that comes along with it. Like, yeah, like I don't know. There's certain things like that where I'm like, yeah, like I'm working on being more thoughtful and better at certain things, but yeah, I may, may, I may not ever arrive. So it's between me and God. And if people hate me because I am an asshole sometimes that's I think par for the course, to be honest, I think if you're not an asshole, sometimes you're probably doing something wrong. So. Elwyn: I'm pretty sure, I'm plenty much an asshole. It's fine. You're pretty good. You're pretty good, man. Everybody that met you this weekend was like, man, that Derek, he's a great guy. Derek Peterson: Yeah, but they don't know me see they don't do a podcast with me Owen so I Was on a boat with a bunch of I'm pretty sure I was I was pretty sure I'm the only person that was above six feet I'll take it. I'll take it. Well, what are we talking about next week? Elwyn: They also said he's really tall. Hahaha! Short juice? There you go. Mmm, I don't know. Derek Peterson: The, do we got anything? There was a couple. Elwyn: I don't know. But I do know that Bianca just told me you wrote the wrong school on her card. Derek Peterson: ⁓ did I? Did we say Iowa State? I hope I said Iowa State. That'd be great. ⁓ I don't know. But if I did, it might have been a Freudian slip. But I'm OK. I was born in Ames. I told her like, you know, I my dad was a cyclone. So and I got offered a full ride scholarship to wrestle at Iowa State. So the. I have no loyalty to Iowa State, so. Elwyn: Yeah. ⁓ don't say Iowa State. You said Iowa State? Yeah. She's burning you in effigy right now. You Derek Peterson: I'll happily wear a Hawkeye t-shirt in ⁓ support of B whenever needed. I'm in. Well, we'll figure out next week. I'm sure it'll be a banger. It'll be something cool. All right, off to next week. See you later. Elwyn: There you go. It'll be a banger. All right, man. Thank you. Yep. Later.