Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 80: [I CAN'T] land - the hidden self-sabotage in your language

Transcript

Episode 80: [I CAN'T] land - the hidden self-sabotage in your language · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So join me, Jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher, and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am Jenna Zint and I just broke my microphone stand.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's free information for you.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Erin actually had added a piece of wood to the back of our desk so that these boom mic holders would work, because our desk didn't quite work for them, and it just broke off and my mic stand just fell to the ground.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm holding it.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So here's hoping that manpower works as good as mic power.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't know.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just afraid I might my my volume might oscillate more than normal.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: If that's the case, just have empathy on me versus annoyance.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Please give me all empathy.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so this episode of The Habit Lab is called I Can't Land.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny when I vocalize things that are silly in my head that have helped me simplify like principles that I've read about or learned about or lessons the Lord's telling me, but I often, if you haven't noticed by now, I've reduced them to like oversimplification or sing song or rhymes.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And two reasons.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: One, it sticks a little better than like a really big jargon for the principle.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I remember when I first read this, darn, I can't even remember.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was like five little psychological terms for what we're gonna unpack today.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, great, and I can never ever remember them.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I need to find something that sticks and quickly recalls the fullness of the concept without me having to memorize that crazy long word.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other thing that it's funny is if I make it a little silly or sing song, I actually find that it disempowers shame when I think about it or I notice I'm doing it.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So this is actually one of my habits in general, is like, oop, oop, we're going to um, I don't know, trying to think of another example of one, but this would be like, oop, we're we're getting stuck and I can't land.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's turn the corner.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're like a room in a corner.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see what our what we can do versus being very certain about our limits and just hitting, I can't, I can't, I can't.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: So that is where this came from.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's funny though, you guys, because my dad, I don't think he's been on a podcast episode.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: He's like the sweetest, most kind, um, optimistic, always has a smile on his face.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like he delights in life more than I do.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I definitely am like my dad in a lot of ways, but I didn't realize how often he does these things.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like he has uh so many sing song phrases.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's funny because he calls people and like tells them.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, man, if he had been born in my decade, he probably would have had his own podcast, and then I would have had whatever the next decade's version of a podcast is.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm very much uh taking after my dad with sing song small concepts to represent like big, big chapters of learning or what the Lord's emphasizing in your life.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's dive into I can't land.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm gonna oversimplify it, what it is is powerless thought patterns and how much our words actually reinforce the belief that we can't and actually in our brain shut down other options and then um make us less creative to find solutions.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then also I I think what also happens when we use powerless words like I can't, it takes away our power and we become victims, whether to the situation or our limitations or people.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um I kind of was teasing.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I I can't land is kind of like Candyland's toxic sister.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys remember Candyland?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, of course you remember Candyland.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: BT Dub Wesley's been on a kick in the last couple weeks and he wants me to buy Candyland again.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe that's why it's top of mind.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But um, I can't land is toxic, the toxic sister of Candyland, which I think every square on the board is some level of a powerless phrase.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, um, I can't because of our budget, I can't because of our kids, I can't because of my spouse, I can't because of the season in life I'm in, I can't because I live far away, I can't because I live in the country, I can't because I have a pet.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And on the surface level, oftentimes they are actually reflecting true limitations in your seasons.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But why I really honed in on this, I it was first a learning in my own life, the Lord was like, hey, like, do you notice when you say I can't, you actually like shut down your creative options.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're just more aware.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like you're giving most of your energy to your limitations.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And going back to that mental picture of like um a room bus stuck in a corner of a room with a bunch of walls, if it just keeps circling the two walls, it hits bump, then it goes back and then bump and then bump and then bump and then bump, and just gets stuck in the corner.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Where if it just turned 180, if it chose a different perspective, still in that same spot, there's so many more options available and solutions.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the Lord is like, when you get stuck in I can't land, you give away your power and you actually set down solutions shut down solutions in a way that um you lose your free agency and you lose your ability to see what else is possible.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, it might be true that that your budget is still a very real limitation this season.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it might be true that because of how your kids are or are not sleeping, there might be a limitation.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: But if you just get stuck on your limitations, you lose the creative solutions that would be an option.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason this feels so significant in Habit Lab, I actually um come up against this a lot.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: First came up against it in my own self and realizing how much it limited me thinking, okay, I can't go to the gym, I don't know, four days a week because we can't afford a gym membership, you know?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or I don't have that time, I can't have find that time in my schedule, or I can't, whatever.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of getting stuck on what I can't, it it limited me to think of what offensively small versions of a habit I could do for the big thing I'm trying to invest in.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, like if you're trying to find a gym have habit and all those reasons that you said I can't, you're probably wanting to invest in your health.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: But if you just get focused on what you can't do, like afford the gym membership or go four days a week or whatever your I can't is, you lose looking at what you can do.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I watch so many people meet, learned it first in my own life, and then when I sit with people and habit coach, they get so stuck on what they can't or what they think the idealistic solution is that they actually almost like their brain shuts down to the offensively small things that they can do.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I can't land makes you give away your power in a way that you feel a bit hopeless.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And when I watch, so that's one thing on your own, like, oh man, I feel bummed because you know, my knee or the pain my body's in, I can't exercise.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So that is like very much just in your own body.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the danger of when I can't is someone else in your life's limitations.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I can't because of my kids or I can't because of my husband.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you actually over time it builds this low-key bitterness or resentment.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're someone who would take five years of it saying I can't to build resentment or a month or five months or whatever, the timeline's different, it kind of matters less.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: But what it does is it gives away your free agency to someone else.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it's almost like putting yourself a c in a cage, or you're in like you're actually in a cage, but then you get someone else the keys.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then over time, like they're keeping me here, they're the reason I can't, they're you know, you give away your power.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, if you're noticing when you give away your power, what are you?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually a victim.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't frequent and often when I hear I can't from other people, myself, whatever, it is evidence of a pretty hearty victim mindset living.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I'm not saying is there aren't real boundaries.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: There always, always there is, everybody has boundaries, but when you're more aware of your limitations, that is when you're stuck in I can't land and you're actually close to solutions and other options and creativity.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's also where resentment, powerless victim thrive, like all that.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just not helpful.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And what was really cool is um a couple years ago, like when I was starting to put my finger on this for myself, one of my my like my most simple habit, which is truly the habit I want you to walk away with, is noticing when you say I can't and trying to choose your words differently or editing out I can't.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that means what it doesn't mean again is I want you to bypass the real limitations in your life, but I want you to choose your words in a way that reminds you you have other options.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: So um, for instance, like, yeah, anyways, let me, I'll get more into that.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I would actually like you to walk away with noticing how when you say I can't and actually trying, and it'll be weird and it'll be, I don't know, robotic, but also when getting curious, oh, I can't comes up a ton when I'm talking about marriage stuff, or I can't, I'm noticing how often I'm saying I can't with my budget, or I can't with relationship with my mom, whatever.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: To me, well, actually, psychologists say too that that's usually evidence of a belief that you believe to be true, not just limitations.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when that's the truth, then I go on a journey with the Lord.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I remember how we talk about so much, engage engaging curiosity and not shame or contempt when you notice, wow, I can't comes up a ton in friendship stuff, or I can't comes up a ton in about my motherhood, you know, limitations of motherhood.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: So then going on a journey, like, what am I believing to be true that is limiting me for what my potential could be with motherhood or what and actually a lot of times I'll find like an umbrella belief that I'm like, wow, I had no idea it was there.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: But when I started getting curious about why I can't was picking up come popping up so much, I then looked for a belief.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, mmm, nine times out of ten, if this is really common in this area, there's some belief that I'm not aware of that's actually shortcutting me for the options that I do have.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um so editing, not getting stuck in I can't land and editing I can't out of your life.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds small, but really I can't land quietly.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't land is kind of a tongue twister, but anyways, quietly robs you of possibility, joy, and creativity.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: So why I can't is powerful.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like why is it unhelpful?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it momentum in the wrong direction?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I can't doesn't just describe a real limitation, it actually defines it.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And um, man, I was doing a ton of digging and I was trying to oversimplify it because there were so many psychological terms, but they were saying it makes you it reinforces kind of like a fixed mindset.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the terms that they kept popping up was that psychologists call it learned helplessness.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: By repeating, I can't, it convinces your brain you're stuck, even when maybe those are limitations, but there are other options if you engage curiosity and you like kind of keep um an open mindset.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it learns that you're helpless and it gives up your power and it almost stops trying or looking because you're like, oh, that's where I'm powerless.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: So it teaches your brain that you're stuck.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't remember if I included, oh yeah, I did in the neuroscience.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to oversimplify some of the findings, but in neuroscience, they say the neuroscience of negation, which would be I can't, I don't, or yeah, anything like that gives away your power in the negative, you know?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So every time you say I can't, what happens in your brain is your brain actually suppresses the picture of the action.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: It literally practices I can't imagining you can't, whatever it is.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: So it literally practices shutting down of that area.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: So to oversimplify it, like when you use negation like I can't, your brain then pictures, like visualizes it.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, it's like super fast.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So most of you probably aren't even aware of it, but then it suppresses that area of the or suppresses the picture of that action.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So let me give you an example.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can't run instantly in some level, your brain suppresses you running.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can't that running is not an option, or I can't have friends in this season, and instantly like your brain suppresses the option, like the picture of friendships thriving in this season, or I um can't travel it suppresses.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are you getting this?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, oh my gosh.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: So clearly, like it actually, it's not just, I don't know, spiritual bypassing.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever I find neuroscience backs up some spiritual practices or um beliefs or things that we've learned, you know, in Sunday school, I'm like, oh, this is why it matters.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like this was what the Lord was trying to simplify because he knows how he wired our brains.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: So when he's giving us commandments, it's so that we thrive, not so that we're like bogged down by rules.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: So watching the fact that when you, what is it, neuroscience of negation, every time you say I can't, when you get stuck and I can't land, your brain actually practices the picture of you not being able to do that thing.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, that's that's a big deal.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: I can't connect with my husband, imagining it going wrong.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: We can't talk without arguing, imagining arguing every you're like, what?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: You were actually that was one of the things that the Lord was highlighting when I he first started, probably like lot three years ago, maybe four years ago, showing me it was when in a season we were super tight in budget, and there were true lots of new limitations on options that we had to do, whether it was fun with the kids or connect with my husband or gym memberships or travel, like there's just a lot.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: A tight budget imposes a lot of limitations that are very real.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: But when I was fixed on I can't, I realized how much I was empowering that narrative of feeling suppressed.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like powerless to my budget.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like a victim to our tight finances versus um powerfully choosing it.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, darn, there's something else.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where's that part?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when I reorder my notes, I'm like, dang it.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is initially when I thought about adding it.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: That was not helpful.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Aaron would have been like, if I ever speak and I tell on myself that I lost track of my spot or forgot what I was gonna say, he's like, don't tell them you forgot, just forgot and keep going.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Forget, keep going.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh yeah, wise man.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: He's a very wise man.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I can't give your power away.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Saying I can't about yourself keeps you stuck.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: But this was the caveat for me, is like I would, I'd have, again, one of the reasons I'm addressing it on Habit Lab is because how often I can't is the barrier for even solutions in that realm.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like someone who wants to figure out better food habits, often when I get in there, I can't because of this.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do it because of this.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can't afford it.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't find the time.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: I can't grocery shop.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: I can't cook because of my kids.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like all the can't, and you're like, oh, before I actually am gonna be able to help them find an offensively small habit, I have to weed out and go after and address the really intense, fixed mindset as of impossibility here.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because anything we build will be killed by this belief of I I am a victim and it is not possible.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like it is a literally, oh, that's it.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say, I can't is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Specifically, when you look at how your brain's wired to when it was it, neurons science of negation, how you practice the inability when you say you can't do something.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, you are actually doing this to yourself.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's like stepping on your own foot, your own toes, me like my toes hurt every time I do this.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, yeah, that makes sense that your toes hurt when you step on your toes.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to start noticing and and taking ownership of you creating self-fulfilling prophecies when you say you can't.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but outside of I can't about yourself, you know, using I can't run, I can't bike, that keeps yourself stuck.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: When you say I can't, and then you add up another party because of my mom, I can't because of my kids, I can't because of my husband.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, that's like next level dangerous.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because now your kids, your spouse, or your boss hold the keys to your growth.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: So not only are you limited, but you've given away your power.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're now a victim to your kids.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're now a victim to your spouse, you're now a victim to your boss.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I get that it is, it feels like semantics.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and at first it feels like honesty because you have very real, like we actually our lives should look different when we get married than when we're single.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Our lives should look different when we have little kids.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: Our lives should look different when we have teenagers.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't I feel the Holy Spirit.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about denying reality or skipping over pain or pretending there's not hard parts about our life.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not making them harder on ourselves by creating a fixed boundary of limits versus getting creative about what we can do, even in our current season.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um so at first, specifically when I can't is paired with because of them, you know, another party, not yourself, it feels like honesty, but over time it fuels bitterness and resentment.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because literally, imagine handing your keys over.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now you are a victim to your kids.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now you are powerless to your how your husband.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now you are a victim to your boss's moods or whatever.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, ooh, that's totally where bitterness and resentment thrive.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to be, I don't want to give my keys away to anybody.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be trapped.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be like that rebellious part of us.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: But the shocking part is like, oh, it's it is a mental shift that can actually unlock so much.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um instead of being neutral, when you use I can't because of them, it becomes toxic.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Kids become the reason you can't thrive, your spouse becomes the reason you can't connect, life circumstance become the reason you can't change, and you are robbed when you have this I can't because of them mindset.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're robbed by the very people God gave you to love that that were put in your life to bless you.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, oh, wouldn't that be just like sometimes I think the enemy's best strategy is just slightly altering a system or an ecosystem that God made to produce bad fruit.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, it's close to the truth, but oof, it keeps producing like rotten tomatoes.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is happening?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um the other thing I was gonna say about this, one of the reasons it I so I had the Lord kind of convicted me for how much I can't and how much victim powerless mindset with my life limitations was stopping me from getting creative with solutions with tiny habits, you know?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but what really drilled it in is there is this book called, I think it's magic words.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: I pulled it up, I couldn't find it.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was bummed.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: I looked for it in our bookshelf, but found a ton of other books, but did not find this one.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: But it's by Jonah Berger, B-E-R-G-E-R.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: And they had, I don't remember if it was a chapter or just part of a chapter that was this research project.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: He was he was um, he is a marketing expert, and he was building, he was making computer like algorithms to test how influential the words you use and marketing are for getting people to buy or not buy or engage or not engage with your ad.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: So the interesting part though is so much of it is applicable outside of marketing for us in our own lives, and that's kind of like the bigger point of the book.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: But he had this whole, um, he cited this whole experiment where they had some people say I can't, which they were like, that's giving away your agency, that's becoming powerless.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: I can't is victim words and verbiage to I don't.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: And they so one group, say let's just make up numbers.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Say there's a hundred people.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: They told 50 people to like they used I can't, and then the other 50 people used I don't.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and the I I think the example that they used in that was like trying to eat healthier.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: So they were told that they um had to eat healthier or something like that.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Man, I wish I I could have found this book to get the logistics more of the experiment.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: But the point was that then afterwards, when they're supposed to be on a diet eating healthier, they offered them a brownie, and it was kind of like after they left the room.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the people thought the experiment was over.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't realize the brownie offering was a trick at the end and was actually the whole experiment, you know, when they do sneaky things like that.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and the people who said, I I can't, who had been in the I can't room, I can't eat this way, I can't, had a significantly higher percentage rate of actually choosing to eat the brownies, so sabotaging themselves.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the people who said I don't um eat sugar are I'm not going are I'm not going to do that.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the difference is I can't feels like something out there has your power.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: When you say I don't do that, it's like this identity.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like a you're choosing to manage yourself versus something is limiting you.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys get the difference?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, um when they said I don't eat that, it frames, I'm trying to read this part.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I can't frames the reason for your limitations as an external barrier or force preventing you.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can't frames your reason as outside of your control.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: So literally, you are out of control, which means you are powerless, and I'm like, oh, you are a victim.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: In contrast, I don't eat that.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Again, going back to the brownie, you know, refuting a brownie, frames the decision as an internal identity-based choice.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I can't is happening to you.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't or I won't, is a powerful way that you're managing yourself because of it reflecting who you are.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't reframes it that you are under your own control, no one else's.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: It suggests a choice that is tied to who you are or who you want to be.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: The I the general idea of this is saying I don't versus I can't.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't help you internalize the rule and makes you more consistent.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this was with regard with the brownie, you know, not even brownie, I can't leaves wriggle wiggle room because you're attributing the constraint to some external force.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine you being in a cage, a dog cage, and then giving the keys to your kid, and how over time you will you're locked and it is small and you're squished and your back's up to the top and your knees are starting to hurt.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: And over time the restraint will wear on you, and you're watching your kid like I can't because of them, versus I'm in here for a reason.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, think flip, maybe something bad's actually out there that could help you, and the cage is a protection.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I should have thought through this metaphor, but my point is like you hold the key and you can get out whenever you want.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: When you internalize it, you are managing you with the real constraints you have in your life, the real boundaries, the real, you know, limitations versus I can't is externally giving away your your power to an outside force that you then become bitter to.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Dun dun dun.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, when I when they I was reading that I can't versus I don't, or some kind of a a statement that says no, but in a powerful choice way versus this is happening to me.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's I was like, oh, this is so good.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: So again, I want you to try to start noticing how much you say I can't, noticing if there's a certain area of your life and if there is getting curious about what victim mindset do I have here?
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: What powerless belief do I have that is influencing how I believe I can or can't show up?
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then getting dogmatic about like, hey, yes, there are real limitations, but I do not want to create self-fulfilling prophecies with my word where my brain is practicing my inability to be powerful in this area.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why would you do that to yourself?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: Remember?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like stepping on your own toe and saying it hurts when I step on my toe.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, totally, then why do you keep stepping on your toe?
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so confused.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um point number three, the way out.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so how do you get out of this?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe, reframe so that you have open possibilities.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Again, remember the roomba that's stuck in the corner of budget, you know, I can't because of budget, I can't because of my husband, I can't because of my husband, I can't because of my budget, you know, just bouncing between the two limitations.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yep, those are still real.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're just turning your perspective, like the roomba, to the other direction, 180, so that you have a new perspective to see what is possible.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's not pretending those limits are there.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's being like, okay, they're there, what now?
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: What else is possible?
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's like for me, I'm like, oh, yep, that's true, that's true, no problem.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not gonna waste time and I can't land because that's not where solutions live.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I just glorify my limitations.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, reframing doesn't deny reality, it restores your agency.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: And to I think of agency as my ability to manage myself and it and my um choices.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like it rest it reminds me that I have choices still, even if those limits put some of the choices outside of what's possible, I still have other choices.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: The moment you shift from I can't, like you then shift to in this season I'm choosing or I'm learning, you take the keys back.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Remember being in the cage, the analogy that didn't quite work about giving your kids the keys while you're in the dog cage or your husband the keys.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and once you take you shift and take back your power with your words, it it it's like this internal, it reminds me of like shifting gears and a stick shift.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, it's not just words only.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually choosing to lose that powerless mindset.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm choosing to lose my victim filter that I'm seeing and look at what's possible, which is where creativity lies, which is where solutions and breakthrough lies.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, once you do that, your brain is freed to look for solutions.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is where tiny habits and creative possibilities open up.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so then I wrote a ton of examples of what an I can't statement would be, what a reframe would be, and then what a possibility is.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: So again, in the reframe, you're just it's still you it's not saying that it's possible now.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's just saying I'm taking back my power.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can't give away your power.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna reframe it so you take back your power.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I started with some motherhood examples, and these are ones I hear all the time, either uh in coaching or in my classes, or I've thought, I've said, you know, I can't wake up early because of the baby.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: And this season I'm prioritizing sleep so I can show up with patience.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and what can you can you feel how much kinder that is to yourself?
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's one thing I when I sit with people, oh I feel the Holy Spirit again, who are like, man, I can't dial consistency.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're actually judging themselves more than, you know, blaming people around them.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: What I when I boil it down, it's usually because they're prioritizing something else and another value or another core value, or um, I'm trying to think of what the out of the word is, is is actually trumping that.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe in an ideal world, they'd like to wake up early, but their babies are waking up through the night.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: No problem.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually prioritizing the sleep you can get.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know that you actually can't function through throughout the day without that much sleep.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so instead of being ashamed of what you're not doing, why don't you powerfully choose what you are doing?
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like the other day, I was talking to a mom who was like, who said something along these lines, and I like literally paused, stopped her and I was like, girl, that was so powerful.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: I am so proud of you for being on your own team and actually acknowledging that you made a powerful choice to choose sleep over waking up early because it's actually gonna better serve your goal for this season, which is being a patient, loving, caring mom, present mom.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, good job.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes we can just chase all these things that Instagram or growth mindset or self-help things tell us are important and we don't realize how they're competing values, you know?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, when you decide something's your value, it can't there, you are allowed to have different values be priorities in different seasons.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: You are, I actually think it's rightfully partnering with the Lord as He's highlighting different things in different seasons.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's motherhood in a season, maybe it's marriage in another season, maybe it's your own growth in a season, no problem.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: But everything can't be a priority or nothing gets a priority.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like you actually can only have like one or two priorities per season.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot have more than that.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: So choose and reframe instead of being more aware of your limited capacity or your boundaries, choose a powerful reframe.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, sorry, I did a little preach moment there.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go back just so it's more clear.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wake up early because of the baby.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: The reframe is in this season, I'm prioritizing sleep so I can show up with patients.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you got back your agency.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: You were proud of yourself.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually acknowledging that you are showing up with intentionality, just not in the way of a 5 a.m.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: club, in the way of being a patient mom.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Awesome.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Possibility for a small habit then.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: Later, maybe I could add a five-minute prayer that I would like or stretch, because a lot of times people want to wake up early so they could add one of those kind of like little habits like a God habit or or some level of self-care.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, actually, maybe once I get out of being stuck in the corner of I can't wake up early, like, oh, maybe I could do it later in the day.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I could do it while the baby's napping for in the afternoon.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: It actually unlocks solutions.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm gonna go a little faster.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can't keep my house clean with kids around.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: I can't keep my house clean with kids around.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm choosing daily resets instead of a spotless perfection.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: Possibility for a tiny habit.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: A five minute toy sweep before bed is a win, not a failure.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here's another I can't.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: I can't exercise because of my kids' schedule.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am finding ways to move my body that.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: fit into our family rhythm.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you lost your powerlessness.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: You lost being a victim to your kids.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: You lost being a victim to your season.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: You powerfully are choosing.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then the tiny habit options, walking laps at soccer.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: Actually I have a friend in SoCal whose kids play a ton of sports and she does her movement while her kids are playing the sports.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: She does it around the lap.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, she might, you know, potentially some rebuttal could be like you look weird.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: But she also gets her movement in and she's run multiple half marathons.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: So she's hacking something that I, if I get stuck in I can't land, I don't even see the possibility.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here are some I can't because in marriage in the marriage world I can't or we can't do date nights because my hub husband never plans them.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: I am choosing I am choosing to initiate simple connection moments.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Possibility.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: A couch picnic or an evening walk counts and builds connection.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's possibility for a habit.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: Next I can't for marriage we can't pray together.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: It feels awkward.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: We're practicing.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see how we're practicing, we're growing, we're learning, we're prioritizing.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's literally an ing to these verbs, do you notice?
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because it means we're in motion and that's the difference of I can't is a fixed done room button a corner.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm aware of my limits versus I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm practicing.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: It actually allows the possibility to be in process versus aware of the fixed things in your life.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: So we can't pray together it feels awkward.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe we're practicing short simple prayers possibility for a tiny habit.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: One prayer before bed opens the door for deeper intimacy.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Another can't for marriage we can't communicate without fighting reframe.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: We're learning to take turns listening without interrupting possibility for a tiny habit.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: Ten minutes of practice builds trust over time.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: Here are some I can't for personal stuff.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't read my Bible consistently reframe.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm starting with one verse a day possible small habit.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: A coffee and a verse is doable and sustainable my season.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: So do you get it?
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted to break down a few in real life notice I can't reframe for something that is possible I and G I'm learning I'm growing I'm becoming I'm building and then that is where the possibility for creative solutions for tiny habit lives.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then too just looking at scripture so I I know I brought in some neuroscience and that experiment about I can't versus I'm not, you know, like choosing your agency and your words versus giving away your power with I can't victim words.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: But scripture like when you look at it you're like the power the tongue has the power of life and death.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your words are literally like when you think of that proverb it's showing us that our words are seeds that actually are going to grow into our future.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think I always thought of it like I don't know superstitious when people would do this be like I don't I grew up in uh I remember some people around me in our church environment I'd be like I'm not I'm I'm sick and they'd be like don't say that your words have the power of life and death and what I'm saying what I want you to hear in my this whole podcast is I'm not saying we're denying reality.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yep those are real limits but also what else is true.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: So just noticing that your your words actually do even neuroscience like we said when you say I can't it shows that it your brain imagines not being able to do that action.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain your words are actually reinforcing new paths in your brain.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like oh my gosh your words are seeds that grow into your future this is so real.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: James 3 4 through five the tongue is like a rudder it's small but steers your whole life like it's so true.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: Matthew 1234 out of the overflow of the heart the mouse speaks which I think is beautiful.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then also if you feel like a victim to your marriage if you feel powerless to your kids if you feel like the ball's only in your husband's court and you can't do anything that's going to be evident with how often you use victim powerless language when you say I can't, I can't.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like oh it's actually showing what's in your heart you feel like a victim to your marriage.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: You feel powerless to your kids.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: No problem.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can go on a journey of weeding out these weeds so that what is in there is hope and what in there is process.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's in there what's in there is tiny bits of better, you know, offensively small habits.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: What you say actually reveals what you believe.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said when you notice I can't popping up in certain areas maybe more than others assume there's a belief there and start getting curious and asking the Lord to kind of help you identify like what am I believing to be true about this?
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: And changing your words can literally reshape your belief.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's so cool how it's like a a loop what you believe to be true is evident what you say and what you say or do is evidence of what you believe to be true.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: So my challenge for you is where have you been living in I can't land maybe off maybe I said grown awareness but instantly while you're listening you're like oh I know it's my marriage or oh I know it's my health or oh I know it's my budget.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to practice reframing from I can't so whatever you would say I can't or we can't whatever reframing from powerless reframing from losing your agency reframe from feeling imposed by an external force to one of the powerful ones like I'm choosing I'm learning I'm prioritizing I'm growing I'm on a journey I'm becoming all of those allow you to be in process without having arrived yet but it's not fixed.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's in motion and it's hopeful and it's possible and it's also giving yourself back the power.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: When you do when you do this you don't just keep yourself open to growth but you protect your heart from bitterness and resentment especially when it's like I can't because they won't or I can't because of my husband I can't you know like that's where what the feeds bitterness and resentment over time.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: So your words don't just describe your reality they direct it.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when you leave I can't land you don't just step into possibility you can actually step into freedom and what is freedom being able to control yourself and any circumstance even with limitations you're there's that great Victor Frankel quote who um I think about this all the time when I'm aware of my limitations and then I ask myself but what else is true?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's like me being the Roomba and turning to see what else is possible.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think about um Victor Frankel was a Jewish psychiatrist or psychologist.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember one of those but he was a doctor in that level who went through the Holocaust and he has a book called The Man's Search for Meaning and it has forever marked me because you know regardless of what's happening in your life most of us don't have something like 99% of us don't have heart or suffering or pain or trauma that would be a tenth of what someone like who went to you know one of the Jewish people in the Holocaust camps.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like of course like that just feels like a not yeah duh most we could all agree with that.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: So then to watch how he chose his perspective and how he showed up and found like hope internally and how um anyways in the middle of the hardest thing it actually just reminds me it's not not possible.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I haven't learned so there's more for me to grow versus like well no one's experienced something this hard or no one has a husband like this or no one has a tight budget like this or no one's mom treated them like this.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like actually the good news is that it is possible.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: So what in Victor Frankel's a man's search for meaning he said he had this aha moment like everyone I think everyone in his family had been killed his wife his kids his parents his brother I think he might have had one living relative somewhere but I don't remember I think he found out afterwards.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: So anyways it was like everything around him he lost to live and then he started thinking about some of the things he had learned getting his doctorate and he realized he was like he has this beautiful quote that's like I realized that my greatest freedom is me being able to still choose or the last freedom they couldn't take away from me that was it from the Nazis so they could take away my clothes they could take away my hair they can take away my teeth they can take away my food they can take away my bed it was just like I like want to cry just thinking about it.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's like but the one thing they can't take away from me is my freedom to choose my response and I'm like wow okay so I can't land that I'm living in for my cushy little Western world life is just untrue.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a reality I've created so I actually want to figure out what that looks like it's it's an invitation of freedom that I can always manage myself and choose my perspective and choose to be free internally regardless of external limitations.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that leaves you hopeful.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you start noticing where you live in I can't land and just start reframing it so that you see the possibilities and you actually experience the freedom of always being able to control yourself that no one else else has the power that you the good news is you could always find some level of a solution or an option if you choose to partner with growth and remember that you're not a victim.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like you can figure something out I hope this feels helpful even though it's a truth slap.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: I love you guys.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you break out of I can't land