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5 more things that could lead to Divorce Pt.2 · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and we're going to go into the second part of things that could potentially lead to a divorce.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: You are your ancestors live.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Related.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, thanks for tuning in.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: We are here on a nice summer day.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's a heat wave apparently that's happening.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: So right now outside it's uh 98 degrees.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: And tomorrow it's supposed to be 107, 108.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: So that that is a heat wave here in the Pacific Northwest, whereas other parts of the the country that may be normal, like in Arizona, for example.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: So it's hot and it's such a big deal.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's dying around here.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, so uh last week's episode was five things out of ten that could potentially lead to um a divorce and things to just kind of pay attention to.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you didn't catch the podcast last week, it's um I'll just go through them really quick.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Not enough time, money, family, self-centeredness, and intimacy.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so I wanted to go into the second half of things that potentially could lead to uh divorce in your life.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now, these aren't things that are gonna automatically um you know take you down that path of divorce or separation from your significant other, but they're things that um in my years of working with couples that I've found that it's like, well, there's this some common themes that have been coming up when I work with couples, and these are some of the common themes.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: So, um number six.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now this is this is kind of um I don't know if it's a no-brainer one, but it's it's you gotta it's kind of tricky because kids I have is number six.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, people get married, and then surprise, surprise, all of a sudden there's kids.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, it's so great, and they're so cute, and they're so nice.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it's generally the the natural way of things, but what is not natural, but often happens, is that parents often forget um one another and they fully invest themselves into their children's lives instead of remembering, hey, there's this person that's gonna be around when your children are up and out that you originally started out on this journey together with, and that person is your spouse or your partner.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of focus goes in on you know taking kids to acrobats or acrobat gymnastics or taking them to sports camp or taking them to this or having them do this or go ride horses.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, I think those are so those are great things, but and if uh if you're not connecting with your partner, those things don't even matter in the bigger picture.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um your kid most likely you you know, I know some parents that they have to have their kid at every kind of you know baseball camp there is, and in reality, their kid's not even going to be a great baseball player, most likely.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Chances of that are pretty slim.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so you think about all the time and the money that is put into that and potentially damage done to an adult relationship, you know, with your partner, um it it's no wonder that partners come to me or you know, people with hurt marriages come to me and say, I just don't know this person anymore, or I feel disconnected from them.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, chances are you feel disconnected because a lot of your focus has been on your kids' um enjoyment of life.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think kids need to enjoy life, but I think there's um an over-emphasis on that sometimes, and people get really hyper-focused on their children and they forget what brought them together.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: And when they forget what brought them together, they tend to grow apart and they start to get distanced between the two of them.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then uh before that before these child-focused parents realize it, they have nothing more in common, and they have more in common with um other adults they've been interacting with at these sporting events for their kids, and then a lot of times emotional affairs start or actual physical affairs start, and then you have damage in the relationship.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: So if you find yourself that you you are spending a lot of time taking your kids to events and not a lot of time with your significant other, you may want to kind of check in with your significant other and and uh see how things are going.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, number seven is addiction.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: So you may be in relationship with a man or woman who's uh willing to take risks that typical people wouldn't take in order to use mind-altering substances.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, with the legalization of marijuana, um there is some there's a little bit of pushback people have with to me on that.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like marijuana is not physically addicting, supposedly.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've never used it actually, so I I'm not certain about that.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's most likely true because I have seen people that say, you know, I used to smoke a lot and then I just stopped one day and and their motivation increased, but there there was no physical illness that took place.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Now, heroin is a different story, and oxycontin is a different is a different story.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: But the people that are you know addicted to things, whether it's alcohol or you know, drugs like heroin or opioids or whatever, um, they often don't want to deal with re reality and then turn to substances and then the addiction just kind of takes over.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: They lie, they steal, they blame.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so they focus more on their drugs and alcohol than the relationships um that they're in.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's to me, it's kind of obvious that if if you're in a relationship with someone who's addicted and you're and you're willing to stay in that relationship, um, there's certain things that you've just decided to accept.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Excuse me.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: And um life is gonna be hard if you are in a relationship with an addict and you can hope and pray that they're gonna get better, but if they just simply choose make choices to not get better, and you choose to stay in that relationship, at least do you're doing it very aware that what all the issues are.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my encouragement to you is to not stay in a relationship like that because kids suffer and ultimately you suffer while this person is um staying in their addiction.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um abuse doesn't often doesn't start off as this outright punch in the face type thing.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Abuse often starts out a a lot smaller, actually.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um often how I've seen it start out is when a couple is dating, one of the partners doesn't want the other partner to hang out with their friends anymore.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: And then they make you feel guilty, or they control you, or they want to check your cell phone, or they want to know your passwords for everything.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, it's just there's these little things that look like uh seems kind of reasonable one time, but it it tends to be these consistent type things where it it it turns into this micromanagement of your life by your significant other.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you buck when you fight that micromanagement, um that's potentially when the physical abuse starts.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: So for example, you don't want to give your phone to your partner and they grab your wrist and squeeze it and twist it and grab the phone out of your hand.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: And and it leaves a mark.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's abuse.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um it comes with you want to leave a room, they shut the door and they intimidate you with their size.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's potential abuse.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's this physical abuse, which is uh leaves marks, punches, scratches, pulling hair, thing like that.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: But then there's also intimidation, I think, that also can be abusive.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so by the time it it becomes violent, people often feel stuck and lost.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things that is just confusing for help helping practitioners is you know, you have a person in an abusive relationship and they know it's abusive, they will tell you directly that it is abusive, but they keep going back to it.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes I think people are feel stuck, especially if you have kids, like if you were to leave this person, there's fear that they will hurt you or your kids, which is evidenced by numerous stories um and and criminal uh cases in court.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was just reading a story today about a dad who was estranged from his wife, and so he killed their five-year-old to stick it to to the wife.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I just uh it's hard to comprehend why a person would do that.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it happens.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so people feel stuck and lost, they feel like if I leave, I'm gonna get hurt, or if I leave, I'm gonna have no place to go, because they're either um the only they have no family members um around, or the abuser has turned the the family against them, and so they don't have any place to go.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: And when they are fine are finally able to find themselves at this point, they realize it's a relationship they don't want to be in, but again, they're so deep into it that it it often is difficult to see a way out.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's often so much hurt and violence that has taken place, a victim doesn't they don't know how to you know get refocused to get out, and that's why it's really important for domestic um violence helpers to understand that.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think most do.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you if you are a helper that works with domestic violence victims, you know the whole cycle.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so abuse isn't obviously, I think, a no-brainer type thing that's gonna lead to divorce.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um different paths.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a little bit more unique that the longer a couple is married, the more chances uh there are that they're gonna have different interests that can take them away from one another.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, I have a couple that I work with where the wife really loves yoga, but the guy has no interest in yoga.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: The wife loves to paddleboard, but the guy has no interest in paddleboarding.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so um, maybe your husband or your your partner is more interested in a biking club and starts to kind of get focused on the biking club and you're not really into that, or you're into running, and your partner is not really interested in that.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's these type of things that will slowly drag you apart because the more you get interested in something that your spouse is not interested in, the more you start interacting with people that have that same interest.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you're in a running club, so you start interacting with your running club friends, and a lot of times that's how unhealthy relationships are formed because oh, this person is interested in what I'm interested in, so therefore we must be a good match.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it's this kind of small um thinking that leads people to leads couples to disconnect when like the bigger picture is you know, if you found something that you could both connect on, you have so many other connections related to kids and family and memories that uh simply splitting because you have different interests is not something that I recommend.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's much easier to find something that you both can have interest in and then re-kind of rekindle a connection between the two of you.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: But this different path is something that definitely um can lead people to a separation or divorce.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: And then friends.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, number 10 is friends.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: There there's times that a couple get so focused on activities um with friends that they forget to make time for themselves.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: And uh the hanging with people is fun.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, hanging with friends is fun, but it shouldn't it should be secondary to hanging with your significant other.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because your significant other is there for a reason, like you chose one another for a reason because at some point you enjoyed the company of this person so much you fell in love with this person because you guys had these similar interests.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so having separate friends is not a good idea because then you start expanding away from your significant other, and which then potentially leads to physical affairs and emotional affairs and just kind of disaster in general.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm not saying that friends are bad, hear me clearly, friends are good, but uh just like anything, it's in moderation.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um I've known some people that just they're constantly with friends, constantly with friends, and I just think, oh man, when do they have time for themselves?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um making time for others is is great, but but making time most importantly for your significant other is like the best idea that I think you can do.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: So staying in a relationship or marriage is important can be important.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think your marriage is important, but it can also be challenging.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're able to stay focused on your marriage rather than all these other things that could trip you up, you're more likely to stay connected and grow deeper in your relationship.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not an easy process.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think a lot of times people go into uh relationships, and often in marriage they think, oh, we're gonna just be in love, we're gonna have a house, and everything's gonna be perfect, and then things get in the way of that.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Friends die, parents die, people get sick, um people go bankrupt, finances get messed up.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's all these things that come into play that you don't expect to happen when you're first married.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was just seeing a Facebook post of somebody who just got married and just got their first draw, first job, and it's just so it's so positive and happy and nice.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: And uh it's just it seems very naive, but it's it is a great place to be.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're young and you're first married and you have a new job, and it just seems like everything's going for you.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so then there's all these things that can subtly get in the way of that relate that intimate marital relationship that you want to make sure that they don't get in the way of that, because then that spells disaster for your marriage.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: So there you have it, parts one and two.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Ten things to focus in on to stay focused in on your marriage.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: If you have any questions, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com or find me uh uh on Facebook at Doc David.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Take care.