Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Doing Our Family Road Trip Intro (Pt. 1) | Ep. 68

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Doing Our Family Road Trip Intro (Pt. 1) | Ep. 68 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:08
  Hi, and welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:12
  I'm your host Cheryl Lang.
• 0:15
  Like me.
• 0:15
  I'm sure you have benefited from all the GPS apps we now have.
• 0:20
  However, have you ever thought how nice it would be if we had Siri for parenting and we could just click on the app and ask the question and have the wise?
• 0:33
  Perfect.
• 0:34
  Right?
• 0:35
  Directing our parenting at that fairy moment.
• 0:39
  Well, I'm not telling you go to the app store because that does not exist.
• 0:45
  But what we talk about today is how do we navigate our family's road trip?
• 0:51
  My traveling companions today are the recording team, Christie and Ellen, and we begin laying out some of the reasons why you would want to map out your family.
• 1:03
  Some of the hazards that come along with it and some of the joys and benefits we found.
• 1:10
  So listen in as we hope to equip you for today and for the years to come.
• 1:26
  CHERYL: Dr.
• 1:26
  CHERYL: Kelly Stevens, a number of episodes ago, introduced this idea of having a road trip in parenting.
• 1:32
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 1:32
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 1:33
  CHERYL: And you know, and he's developed that and we've talked about it and I thought it'd be really good for us to come back and develop this concept some more, and particularly, Walk through the different seasons of parenting.
• 1:46
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 1:47
  CHERYL: Right.
• 1:47
  CHERYL: You know, and so what would the Road trip look like for our youngers and our middles?
• 1:53
  CHERYL: And then certainly the releasing and Yes.
• 1:55
  CHERYL: Right.
• 1:55
  CHERYL: You know, we're still on that journey when they've released into a young adulthood.
• 1:59
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 2:00
  Ellen: Well, even, I mean, my kids are all grown and into their forties.
• 2:03
  Ellen: I'm still a
• 2:04
  Christie: mom.
• 2:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:05
  Christie: Right.
• 2:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:06
  CHERYL: So how about if we do that and, and just kind of break it down mm-hmm.
• 2:10
  CHERYL: and um, here, Lay some kind of general conversation about it, and then let's go through the seasons.
• 2:17
  Christie: Yeah, I think that's great.
• 2:19
  Christie: I, I've loved this idea, the Road Trip all along, because, you know, I hadn't my kid's so young, like many others, but it just felt flander.
• 2:27
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:28
  Christie: And so when the, the big rocks started coming to the surface of what I really wanted to do.
• 2:33
  Christie: I would've loved to have the visual of the roadmap Yes.
• 2:37
  Ellen: The Here is a big boulder with an arrow.
• 2:40
  Christie: Yes, you are here
• 2:43
  CHERYL: Uh, my morning is a bit of an example of that parenting family road trip, trying to get here.
• 2:48
  CHERYL: Uhhuh.
• 2:48
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 2:49
  CHERYL: So one of the things that I've decided lately I want to do, um,.
• 2:54
  CHERYL: Trying to work with margin
• 2:56
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:56
  CHERYL: But I have actually set some of my clocks in the house a minute or two faster.
• 3:01
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 3:01
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 3:01
  CHERYL: Because One of the commitments I'm trying to do now is leave five minutes ahead of when I think I need to leave That's good.
• 3:08
  CHERYL: but my problem is I can't allow for what happens in that margin.
• 3:13
  CHERYL: yeah, Mm-hmm.
• 3:13
  CHERYL: And so, like this morning I was gonna leave five minutes ahead of where I wanted to leave, um, and then sudden mm-hmm.
• 3:23
  CHERYL: my margin got filled up.
• 3:24
  CHERYL: Right And my question to you all is, How do the stop lights know when I've lost that extra margin?
• 3:33
  CHERYL: they're
• 3:33
  Christie: watching you
• 3:34
  CHERYL: a few minutes.
• 3:34
  CHERYL: They did.
• 3:35
  CHERYL: I just, every comes Cheryl's
• 3:38
  Christie: good.
• 3:38
  Christie: Red quit.
• 3:39
  CHERYL: So yellow, good red, ugh.
• 3:41
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 3:41
  CHERYL: Best laid plan.
• 3:42
  CHERYL: Right?
• 3:43
  CHERYL: I can't keep on it.
• 3:44
  CHERYL: And both of you had troubles getting here?
• 3:46
  CHERYL: This, well, it was all the road
• 3:47
  Ellen: work.
• 3:47
  Ellen: I, I, oh.
• 3:48
  Ellen: Took a different way.
• 3:49
  Ellen: And then the road was, but I didn't really believe them
• 3:52
  Christie: good
• 3:54
  Ellen: I'm glad they made an exception for me or something.
• 3:56
  Ellen: I thought that, you know, maybe this part of the road's closed and I can scooch
• 3:59
  Christie: over, right?
• 4:00
  Christie: No, I to completely destroy anytime the sign says.
• 4:02
  Christie: You know, not open to through traffic.
• 4:05
  Christie: I'm like, define through traffic What do you mean by that?
• 4:08
  Christie: Cause this is where I'm going through too.
• 4:10
  Christie: Does that mean me?
• 4:11
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:11
  Christie: Well, I just had, couldn't find my keys.
• 4:13
  Christie: I looked all over my whole main part of my house and then when I found them, they were.
• 4:18
  Christie: on the very obvious bookshelf and nothing else was there with them.
• 4:23
  Christie: They were just sitting there almost like laughing at me that they had been sitting there the whole time.
• 4:26
  Christie: They've been jingling.
• 4:27
  Christie: You just couldn't hear about Yes.
• 4:29
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:30
  Ellen: Well, that I didn't.
• 4:31
  Ellen: Need the keys, but it was the clicker.
• 4:33
  Ellen: Mike was working.
• 4:34
  Ellen: We got a new clicker for our garage door.
• 4:36
  Ellen: Oh.
• 4:37
  Ellen: And it's been like the clicker adventure.
• 4:39
  Christie: So you had the car, you just couldn't get it out.
• 4:41
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 4:42
  Ellen: Oh gosh.
• 4:42
  Ellen: What a
• 4:42
  Christie: day.
• 4:43
  Christie: Those times.
• 4:43
  Christie: It feels like the planets spinning in in reverse.
• 4:46
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:47
  Christie: When
• 4:47
  Ellen: you're in the red foot rush, you
• 4:48
  CHERYL: get the reds.
• 4:48
  CHERYL: Right.
• 4:49
  CHERYL: And I think this is just a really good example of what the parenting road trip journey looks like
• 4:56
  Ellen: yeah.
• 4:57
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 4:57
  Christie: in
• 4:58
  Ellen: my mind, this was an easy trip.
• 5:00
  Ellen: Even though it was a little late, I could make up the time once I got out there.
• 5:03
  Christie: No.
• 5:04
  Christie: Well, it's like when you're expecting the first baby, all the, the baby gap commercials and the, I don't know, people still buy Baby Gap, I'm not sure, but all of the little magazines you get and they just look so magical with the foggy lens on the camera.
• 5:18
  Christie: Yeah, and, and just lovely.
• 5:20
  Christie: But we don't think.
• 5:22
  Christie: What's ahead on the journey, all these and why is my baby crying all day?
• 5:26
  Christie: Right.
• 5:26
  Christie: You know, funny they
• 5:27
  Ellen: don't do that on the shows.
• 5:29
  Ellen: They just peep
• 5:30
  Christie: Uhhuh, and my child's crying.
• 5:32
  Christie: So, and you just skip over to get them with joy.
• 5:35
  Christie: Yes.
• 5:35
  Christie: Never a grumpy heart or,
• 5:37
  CHERYL: yeah.
• 5:37
  CHERYL: And that's what we're talking about.
• 5:39
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 5:39
  CHERYL: Is this idea of a road trip cuz it's a journey in parenting.
• 5:46
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 5:46
  CHERYL: and that.
• 5:49
  CHERYL: when you're in it, you can't see over the next till.
• 5:52
  CHERYL: We don't know.
• 5:53
  CHERYL: And uh, like what you're talking about, unrealistic expectations.
• 5:58
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  CHERYL: I had such unreal expectations.
• 6:01
  CHERYL: I've mentioned it before, but I really.
• 6:04
  CHERYL: Thought, you know, if I nurtured my children well, and we talked about being kind and we were kind to them and all of that sort of stuff that my children would respond in kind, yeah.
• 6:16
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 6:16
  CHERYL: And so I kind of thought my children would say, don't worry, I'll make your bed for you.
• 6:21
  CHERYL: Right.
• 6:22
  CHERYL: you go ahead, you know, and take a rest,
• 6:24
  Christie: mom.
• 6:25
  Christie: Right.
• 6:25
  Christie: Let me rub your
• 6:26
  CHERYL: feet.
• 6:27
  CHERYL: Well, and I heard someone recently and they were using an example of something they did in parenting and.
• 6:33
  CHERYL: it was, an opportunity they expected for the other siblings to step in and help and take care and yeah.
• 6:40
  CHERYL: And serve the one in need.
• 6:42
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 6:43
  CHERYL: and.
• 6:44
  CHERYL: you know I'm listening cuz that's what I thought my kids would do.
• 6:48
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 6:48
  CHERYL: It just took them a whole lot of decades to
• 6:51
  Ellen: develop.
• 6:51
  Ellen: Do your brother needs help right now with shoes.
• 6:54
  Ellen: I will go do it.
• 6:55
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:56
  CHERYL: So my roadmap was very unrealistic.
• 7:00
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 7:00
  CHERYL: what about y'all?
• 7:01
  Well,
• 7:01
  Christie: yeah, I think I, I.
• 7:03
  Christie: just thought the same.
• 7:05
  Christie: I mean, I thought if I, I didn't think it would happen naturally.
• 7:08
  Christie: I, I knew it would take some effort on my part.
• 7:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:11
  Christie: But I really thought if I put the effort in mm-hmm.
• 7:13
  Christie: then things would pan out the way.
• 7:14
  Christie: Didn't if read the book book Right, it would be okay.
• 7:16
  CHERYL: Right.
• 7:17
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 7:18
  CHERYL: Cause actually a roadmap is a lot easier than parenting.
• 7:23
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 7:23
  CHERYL: Right.
• 7:23
  CHERYL: Because particularly now, Google Maps and Siri and forth, they'll even tell you, oh, there's a oh man, backup of so many minutes.
• 7:31
  Christie: And can you imagine a Siri for parenting whoa, Give grace to this child.
• 7:35
  Christie: Put this child to bed earlier.
• 7:37
  Christie: Let this one stay up late.
• 7:38
  Christie: That would be great.
• 7:38
  Christie: That
• 7:38
  CHERYL: would be fun.
• 7:39
  CHERYL: Wouldn't it be nice Uhhuh to have that?
• 7:41
  Ellen: No, because
• 7:42
  CHERYL: right.
• 7:43
  CHERYL: Well then I even, it's not black and white.
• 7:44
  CHERYL: Well, I even do that with Siri when they're, you know, turn, I don't want to turn the, my intention on I know better.
• 7:51
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 7:52
  CHERYL: You know, and that's just not real.
• 7:53
  CHERYL: Again, it's not because it's Right.
• 7:55
  CHERYL: It's not what real life is.
• 7:56
  CHERYL: Right.
• 7:57
  CHERYL: But I wanted it Uhhuh.
• 7:59
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 7:59
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 8:00
  CHERYL: Wow.
• 8:00
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 8:01
  CHERYL: So for the parents listening to us, if you were trying to get a parenting roadmap, trying to figure that out in your parenting Road trip, what would you say, well, I always had
• 8:13
  Ellen: trouble with literal roadmaps.
• 8:15
  Ellen: When we drive places, and my husband would look over you know, this is before the navigational system.
• 8:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:20
  Ellen: He goes, Ellen, you're holding the map upside down, because I would have to turn it the way I thought we were moving Uhhuh, And that wasn't necessarily the
• 8:28
  CHERYL: right way.
• 8:30
  CHERYL: One of my very favorite stories, Uhhuh tell them the story about when you're headed to Denver.
• 8:36
  CHERYL: and it's the middle of the night.
• 8:37
  CHERYL: it's a great story,
• 8:39
  Ellen: I, I prefer to drive on long trips because I drive faster than my husband.
• 8:43
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:44
  Ellen: did you do he, so he was taking the little nap and I was on my way to, Denver and I don't know what happened, but I just decided in my mind that the truck in front of me, Was going the same place I was going.
• 8:59
  Ellen: It never dawned on me until we entered like South Dakota that I had gone the wrong way and I was following this truck
• 9:08
  Christie: That is hilarious.
• 9:10
  Christie: That is hilarious.
• 9:11
  Christie: And I don't, you know, I
• 9:12
  Ellen: was, Joyously driving, listening to music.
• 9:15
  Ellen: Mike's sleeping, and I mean, I'm sure I'm going the right way.
• 9:18
  Ellen: I'm following this big white truck of horse is going where I'm going.
• 9:22
  Christie: Wow.
• 9:23
  Christie: Well that that is a perfect parallel because in our parenting roadmaps, don't we sometimes think we have the same destination in mind.
• 9:31
  Christie: That may be another parent or another resource thinks that they have.
• 9:35
  CHERYL: I told you it's a great story.
• 9:37
  CHERYL: It's hilarious I just love it.
• 9:39
  CHERYL: Trying to
• 9:40
  Ellen: explain to my husband was a different issue.
• 9:42
  Ellen: And
• 9:42
  Christie: he goes, where?
• 9:43
  Christie: Where are we?
• 9:44
  Christie: I can only imagine.
• 9:46
  Christie: We're in South Dakota, not so
• 9:49
  CHERYL: is South Dakota, between Oklahoma City and Denver.
• 9:52
  CHERYL: Well, no,
• 9:53
  Christie: no, no.
• 9:55
  CHERYL: Alright.
• 9:55
  CHERYL: Right.
• 9:55
  CHERYL: So parents listened to us and we're talking about this mm-hmm.
• 9:59
  CHERYL: because in our parenting Road trip we don't wanna end up in South Dakota.
• 10:03
  CHERYL: Right.
• 10:03
  CHERYL: When we're headed towards Denver.
• 10:05
  CHERYL: End this vision and, and Kelly talks about, um, that we're starting on East Coast and we're trying to get to California.
• 10:11
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 10:12
  CHERYL: but let's broaden that a little bit.
• 10:14
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 10:14
  CHERYL: let's say, we're young parents or we're in the middle of our parenting mm-hmm.
• 10:19
  CHERYL: and we are saying, yeah, I really do want to do this roadmap.
• 10:24
  CHERYL: Where would be a place to begin?
• 10:26
  CHERYL: How could we begin processing it so we're not just saying all we have to do is get to mileage marker, 18 and dump'em out of the house.
• 10:33
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 10:34
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 10:34
  CHERYL: We, everybody wants more than that in their parenting.
• 10:36
  CHERYL: Right.
• 10:37
  CHERYL: So where would be a place to start with that?
• 10:39
  CHERYL: Well, I
• 10:39
  Christie: think, you know, if you're standing on the coast looking west at this long journey ahead of you, the first thing you're thinking of is, how are we gonna get there?
• 10:48
  Christie: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:49
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:49
  Christie: You know what, what's on the journey?
• 10:51
  Christie: How are we gonna get through
• 10:51
  CHERYL: it?
• 10:52
  CHERYL: Right.
• 10:53
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 10:53
  CHERYL: And that's the practical.
• 10:54
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 10:54
  CHERYL: where's the rest
• 10:54
  Ellen: stops?
• 10:55
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:56
  CHERYL: You know, along the way and those are the practical things and that Yeah.
• 10:59
  CHERYL: Consumes a lot.
• 11:00
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 11:01
  CHERYL: of our daily life in parenting.
• 11:03
  CHERYL: So.
• 11:04
  CHERYL: The what and the how.
• 11:05
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 11:06
  CHERYL: are the daily in and outs.
• 11:08
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 11:08
  CHERYL: well, cuz just like on
• 11:09
  Ellen: a journey, you're gonna take a big family trip.
• 11:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:12
  Ellen: across country.
• 11:13
  Ellen: You don't just pull out a map and take off.
• 11:16
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:16
  Ellen: it's a lot of planning.
• 11:18
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:18
  Ellen: You actually figure out.
• 11:21
  Ellen: Before you walk out the door.
• 11:22
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:22
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:23
  Ellen: And you know, whether it's just you and your husband or 20 kids mm-hmm.
• 11:26
  Ellen: you've gotta figure out, are we bringing enough things?
• 11:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:29
  Ellen: do we have an exact idea?
• 11:32
  Ellen: is this road closed on the way?
• 11:34
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:34
  Ellen: You know, does that show up
• 11:35
  Christie: on the maps anticipating what's going to come
• 11:38
  Ellen: along on the path?
• 11:39
  Ellen: Yes.
• 11:39
  Ellen: We, if our, we blow a tire, did we bring a spa?
• 11:42
  Ellen: You know?
• 11:42
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:43
  Ellen: just things to make your life a little easier on a long journey.
• 11:46
  Ellen: Did you forget the baby's pacifier?
• 11:48
  Ellen: Right?
• 11:48
  Ellen: That can be a
• 11:49
  Christie: long trip.
• 11:49
  Christie: What are we going to encounter?
• 11:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:51
  Christie: And how are we gonna be prepared for it?
• 11:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:53
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 11:53
  CHERYL: Mm.
• 11:53
  CHERYL: and that's really good because that's the real everyday.
• 11:57
  CHERYL: Yes, practical.
• 11:58
  CHERYL: But what do y'all think if the real question is not the what and the how for the long journey for our destination, but the who, mm-hmm.
• 12:08
  CHERYL: the who of what I want each of my children to be.
• 12:12
  CHERYL: Not when they get into school or graduate or even get married you know, even in their thirties, but I would say like 45.
• 12:21
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:21
  Ellen: That's really good.
• 12:22
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 12:22
  CHERYL: my goal is the who of this person at 45.
• 12:26
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 12:26
  CHERYL: that they would be flourishing in who they are as an individual.
• 12:31
  Ellen: Yeah
• 12:31
  CHERYL: And for me personally, if I can keep that in front of me.
• 12:36
  CHERYL: colors, everything I'm doing in the how and the what.
• 12:40
  CHERYL: Right To keep us fueled for the trip And
• 12:44
  Ellen: it's not about what they're going to be.
• 12:46
  Ellen: No, it's a because you, you can't say that's true.
• 12:49
  Ellen: I want my son to be in an accountant and find out my third grade.
• 12:52
  Ellen: He's really bad in math.
• 12:53
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:54
  Ellen: he doesn't like it at all.
• 12:55
  Ellen: But you know, it's not about what they're going to do, but who they're going to.
• 12:59
  Ellen: What their character Oh yes.
• 13:01
  Ellen: Is going to look
• 13:02
  Christie: like that much as we're looking as at those internal values.
• 13:06
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:06
  Christie: That we take into parenting with us and that we want to leave Yes.
• 13:09
  Christie: And impart into our children on the journey, which
• 13:12
  CHERYL: is character, right?
• 13:13
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 13:13
  CHERYL: which would incorporate spiritual Mm-hmm.
• 13:15
  CHERYL: But I really like that, Ellen, because that's one of the things Bill would say when.
• 13:20
  CHERYL: Dealing with the what and the how.
• 13:23
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 13:23
  CHERYL: And it wasn't smooth.
• 13:26
  CHERYL: Um, he would say, wait, our big picture always has to be character.
• 13:30
  CHERYL: That character trumps whatever we're doing.
• 13:33
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 13:34
  CHERYL: So even if we're dealing with math mm-hmm.
• 13:37
  CHERYL: or we're dealing with a flat tire.
• 13:38
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 13:39
  CHERYL: Or we're dealing with food issues or staying out late issues to try and not.
• 13:46
  CHERYL: issue the point, right, but always focus on the character.
• 13:49
  CHERYL: What's the character?
• 13:50
  CHERYL: Well, the
• 13:50
  Ellen: motivation.
• 13:51
  Ellen: Of why they're doing it or not doing it right.
• 13:54
  Ellen: Helping them to see their own motivation as well as you watching their motivation.
• 13:59
  Ellen: Why did you think that was
• 14:00
  CHERYL: important?
• 14:00
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 14:01
  CHERYL: you're right, because if I only focused on the what, then it's gonna be, uh, behavior modification.
• 14:08
  CHERYL: of my children that if you do all the what, you're gonna be the person you want to be, right?
• 14:12
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 14:13
  CHERYL: And it's not, it's the character that makes them to be the person they're gonna be at 45.
• 14:18
  CHERYL: Right?
• 14:18
  Christie: And if that character is our true destination, that's, that's gonna be the lens we're looking through all along when we are deciding the house and the whats right
• 14:29
  CHERYL: along.
• 14:30
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 14:30
  CHERYL: So I like that you said lens.
• 14:32
  CHERYL: I think lens is really important.
• 14:35
  CHERYL: So it is a lens that helps us to stay, just not rudded in the what, although we have to do that.
• 14:41
  CHERYL: So what lens, how, how can we develop a lens for our Road trip Well, I think
• 14:48
  Ellen: the lens can change over time when you're, you know, you may have come in with the same values and the lens is what you, as the parents, determine what are important things.
• 15:01
  Ellen: Again, it's not about what they do.
• 15:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:03
  Ellen: but, you know, I want my child to be a truth teller.
• 15:06
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:07
  Ellen: How do I develop that in our children to be truth tellers?
• 15:12
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:12
  Ellen: what does that look like?
• 15:13
  Ellen: You have to give some time to think about things that you really value, and it doesn't have to be a list of 20 things.
• 15:18
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 15:19
  Ellen: that's overwhelming, but when they're.
• 15:22
  Ellen: truth telling is very important.
• 15:23
  Ellen: So it is when they're a teenager, but you start when they're, you know, a little kid and they start, you know, making up a story about, you know, they put their bike away but they didn't mm-hmm.
• 15:33
  Ellen: and different things like that.
• 15:34
  Ellen: And it's the same basic things that you start with when they're young, they just change on how they look when they're older.
• 15:43
  Ellen: Right.
• 15:44
  CHERYL: Let's see, I'm, so, I'm thinking about applying it like I'm a mom.
• 15:47
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 15:47
  CHERYL: Listening to you.
• 15:49
  CHERYL: and that would change it if I look through the lens of thinking about their character.
• 15:53
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 15:54
  CHERYL: then it's not the issue if you always put your bike up.
• 15:57
  CHERYL: Right.
• 15:58
  CHERYL: Or teach you to always put your bike up.
• 16:00
  CHERYL: Right.
• 16:00
  CHERYL: because again, that falls into the performance mentality.
• 16:03
  CHERYL: Right.
• 16:03
  CHERYL: And
• 16:04
  Christie: that bike's placement doesn't matter when they're 45.
• 16:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:07
  Christie: But their integrity, yes.
• 16:08
  Christie: And.
• 16:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:10
  Christie: Does.
• 16:10
  Christie: And I think having that character trait in mind is going to help us choose our battles along the way.
• 16:18
  Christie: Yes.
• 16:18
  Christie: Because like you said, Ellen, you can't do everything.
• 16:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:21
  Christie: You know, you have to pick and choose your battles.
• 16:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:23
  Christie: And so it would help you really decide, is this a battle worth fighting?
• 16:28
  Christie: Is this something that's an important thing to address?
• 16:31
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 16:32
  Ellen: And, and those are the things I think that as parents, We tend not to think about it till it happens, but if we can start kind of giving some time to yourself some ideas of maybe the top three to five things you think are really important.
• 16:51
  Ellen: Mm.
• 16:51
  Ellen: And then how do I cultivate that in my children over the next 20 years that they're with me?
• 16:56
  Ellen: Right.
• 16:57
  Ellen: Which,
• 16:57
  CHERYL: if we're using the road trip analogy, would be, yes.
• 17:00
  CHERYL: What our plan is along the road, and I'm listening to this and I'm thinking, what do y'all think?
• 17:06
  CHERYL: I see a difference between the journey versus the destination.
• 17:10
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 17:11
  CHERYL: Cuz we said, Lynn, what if we said we need to be kind of bifocal in our lenses Yes.
• 17:18
  CHERYL: Oh yeah that maybe.
• 17:19
  CHERYL: That the journey lens is the how and the what the regular everyday thing.
• 17:27
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 17:27
  CHERYL: and the destination lens is our big heart set of where we're headed for, um, in our children's flourishing
• 17:36
  Ellen: yeah, that's good.
• 17:37
  CHERYL: Talk about that.
• 17:38
  CHERYL: I think that's a, maybe a, a key for this is that we have to have our journey and destination mindset mm-hmm.
• 17:45
  CHERYL: as we're traveling this road.
• 17:46
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 17:46
  CHERYL: I
• 17:46
  Christie: think we, we definitely have to have both perspectives.
• 17:49
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 17:49
  Christie: because if you go too far with just focusing on the destination and the end result and goal driven, the whole journey of parenting, you're missing so many.
• 18:00
  Christie: of the joys along the way and, and the playfulness and, and the love and joy that comes with raising children.
• 18:07
  Christie: But if we get so fixated on just enjoying the moment, we kind of end up in South Dakota and we don't know where we're at you know?
• 18:15
  Christie: Very true.
• 18:16
  Christie: And, and we haven't prioritized those things that are really valuable in our lives and, and what we want to see in our kids' lives.
• 18:24
  Christie: Yes.
• 18:24
  CHERYL: yeah.
• 18:25
  Christie: You
• 18:26
  Ellen: know, being a military family, you know, we.
• 18:29
  Ellen: moved a lot and we traveled across country numerous times.
• 18:32
  Ellen: All over north, southeast, west.
• 18:34
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:35
  Ellen: And a lots of times when you're on these long roads.
• 18:39
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:40
  Ellen: You're hoping that you didn't miss the sign, and then this is before MapQuest and all the Yeah.
• 18:46
  Ellen: You know, this is old school back in the day where you actually had a map mm-hmm.
• 18:50
  Ellen: and you just hope that the next sign was gonna come up.
• 18:53
  Ellen: That helped you make sure that you were going the right direction.
• 18:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Ellen: And you hadn't accidentally, or at least I always worried about that.
• 18:59
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:59
  Ellen: you hadn't accidentally, you know, gone the wrong way.
• 19:02
  Ellen: And it's sometimes, If you know the goal, you also have to know the little things that come along the road that I have to pass this city and this city before I get to my destination.
• 19:14
  Ellen: Mm.
• 19:14
  Ellen: And so we need to know as parents, what are some of the things that we're going to encounter mm-hmm.
• 19:19
  Ellen: and start thinking about those.
• 19:21
  Ellen: I mean, when you first become a parent, that's kind of seems like a really distant thing, but you grow into it.
• 19:26
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:26
  Ellen: you know, just as you, you learned and had success with your newborn baby and now they're two.
• 19:33
  Ellen: It's a whole different set of things that you have to think about.
• 19:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:36
  Ellen: So, as a parent setting goals, you have to understand that you have those things that are quality, character things, but the practical side will change.
• 19:47
  Ellen: in every age group that they're in.
• 19:48
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:48
  Ellen: and how that looks.
• 19:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:49
  Ellen: Yeah.,
• 19:50
  CHERYL: you know, um, cuz I'm trying to listen to you as if I'm that new parent and if I only have destination mindset, I'm gonna miss the joy Yes.
• 20:00
  CHERYL: That there is in the moments with my children or mm-hmm.
• 20:04
  CHERYL: I think if I can just get them out of diapers Right.
• 20:07
  CHERYL: And I'm rushing through.
• 20:11
  CHERYL: The joy of the journey with this little one.
• 20:14
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 20:15
  Ellen: or you panic, you think, yes, this kid just did that, they're gonna be this way forever.
• 20:20
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:20
  Ellen: Rather than, this is a bump in the road of our journey.
• 20:23
  Christie: Right.
• 20:24
  Christie: And that there's ups and downs along the way.
• 20:26
  Christie: Just today does not define everything from here, from this point forward.
• 20:30
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 20:31
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 20:32
  CHERYL: And, you were one time were telling me about, um, cuz you have traveled so much and you were talking about the flowers blooming in the desert.
• 20:42
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 20:42
  CHERYL: And that Most of the year, no flowers.
• 20:46
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 20:46
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 20:46
  Ellen: When you travel out towards California, the whole desert out there is desert, except for like one short period in the spring where these absolutely breathtaking poppies and wild flowers grow.
• 21:00
  Ellen: Wow.
• 21:01
  Ellen: And you can literally drive by people's stop and take pictures.
• 21:05
  Ellen: They'll make it a destination to go see the flowers blooming, and you can come back two weeks later and everything's gone.
• 21:10
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 21:11
  Ellen: ined.
• 21:11
  CHERYL: And you missed it.
• 21:12
  CHERYL: and it's a little bit of, you know, trite phrase to say, stop and smell the flowers, right?
• 21:17
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 21:17
  CHERYL: But that's what the journey is, is let's slow down and enjoy mm-hmm.
• 21:22
  CHERYL: this together Mm-hmm oh, see, it's the two focus.
• 21:26
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 21:27
  CHERYL: We've got to have the journey, but then we need to keep on the destination.
• 21:30
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 21:30
  Well, I'm sorry, but I have to break in here because this was another conversation that went longer than what we can put on one episode.
• 21:40
  So we'll pause here and then next time pick right back up with our introduction of doing our own family road trip.
• 21:50
  Parents, remember, hang in there.
• 21:54
  Keep loving.
• 21:55
  Keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 22:04
  I'm really glad you could join us today on the Parenting Podcast.
• 22:09
  Now, because of my age, I have to use bifocal sometimes, and I do appreciate having those two lenses.
• 22:18
  What, oh, wow.
• 22:20
  What I hope it would've been in the middle of my parenting years to always remember to keep one eye on the journey and one eye on the destination.
• 22:31
  So what about you and your parent?
• 22:33
  Do you like me, have a tendency to focus on one more than the other?
• 22:39
  Why don't you share with us about it, DMO on social media?
• 22:44
  Text us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or go to our website now.
• 22:52
  This is just the beginning of our series on our family road trip, and like those two lenses, we will talk about the practical of every.
• 23:01
  And the long-term big picture of what we really want to do.
• 23:05
  So next week we'll continue exploring where we started today as T P P comes alongside of you, wherever you are in your parenting journey.