Latest / The Talent Brief / When Does Listening Become Self-Betrayal?
Transcript
- When Does Listening Become Self Betrayal: Let me ask you something. How many times have you agreed with someone just to avoid a disagreement? You nodded, you smiled, you said, I understand, and then walked away frustrated because you didn't say what you actually thought. But here's the uncomfortable question. Who were you really protecting? The other person? The relationship? Or yourself from the possibility that someone might think differently of you? Welcome back to the Talent Brief. I'm Jeff Cantor. Today, we're talking about listening, people pleasing, and the ways we sometimes portray ourselves while convincing ourselves we're simply being understanding. And before I challenge anyone listening, I want to acknowledge something about myself. I'm a people pleaser. For me, it's largely about avoiding conflict. And if I'm being transparent, there's also that uncomfortable possibility that someone might think differently of me if I say what I actually believe. Especially in today's world. Look at how quickly conversations can become disagreements at work, in relationships, even among friends. Sometimes it feels easier to say nothing, and I've done that. I've listened, I've nodded, and moved on. even when I had a completely different perspective. And if I told myself I was being respectful, maybe sometimes I was. But other times? Was I respecting their perspective or protecting myself from their reaction? That's not an easy question to answer. Because I genuinely value listening. I believe we can learn from people who see the world differently, but I'm recognizing that there's a Difference between being open minded and being afraid to disagree. Sometimes I've confused the absence of conflict with the presence of understanding. And they're not the same thing. Think about the person everyone describes as easy going, always agreeable, never makes waves. Maybe that's you. But have you ever considered what maintaining that reputation might be costing you? Because there's a difference between compromise and surrender. And sometimes what we call kindness is really fear wearing good manners. I've seen this professionally. Someone disagrees with the disk decision but stays quiet. Someone accepts another responsibility when they're already overwhelmed. And outside work? We say it's fine when it isn't. We agree to things we don't want to, and eventually frustration turns into resentment. But here's where I want to push a little harder. If you're consistently saying yes when you mean no, can you really blame people for believing you? That's uncomfortable. Because sometimes we're expecting others to recognize boundaries we've never communicated. Now, not every environment is safe enough for complete honesty. Power dynamics and consequences are real. Sometimes silence is a conscious and necessary choice. But sometimes we've become so accustomed to anticipating others' people's reactions that we stop questioning our own. And this is where signals versus scripts come in. The signal may might be discomfort, frustration. That quiet feeling that something isn't right. But when the script takes over, don't make waves, be the bigger person. They might not like you. And before we've even considered what we actually want to say, we've talked ourselves out of saying it. Signals are information, scripts are interpretation, and sometimes a script we've followed for years is simply this. If I disappoint someone, I've done something wrong. But have you? Or have you simply stopped doing what someone else expected? Now there's another side to this conversation. What if you're the person others are afraid to disagree with? You might believe you're open minded. You might tell people they can always be honest with you. But what happens when they are? Do you listen? Or do you become defensive, interrupt, or make the conversation so uncomfortable that they eventually stop trying? You can't ask people to be honest with you and then punish them for their honesty. And perhaps we need to spend less time asking why people won't speak up and more time questioning what happens when they do. Because listening should create understanding. It shouldn't require your disappearance. And in a world where disagreement can feel increasingly personal, maybe we need to remember something. We can disagree without threatening the relationship. So here's my challenge this week. The next time you find yourself automatically agreeing with someone, notice what happens before you respond. And ask yourself. Am I challenging my mind because I've learned something new? Or because I've learned it's safer to agree? And if someone disagrees with you, can you allow them that space without making them regret it? Because genuine listening isn't about everyone agreeing. It's about creating room for different perspectives without either person having to disappear. And perhaps. The question I'm asking myself is one worth asking yourself too. If someone only knows the version of me that agrees with them, how well do they actually know me? I'm Jeff Gantter, and this is a Talon Brief. Trust the signal, question the script. Thanks for listening. See you soon. Bye.