Latest / Loud & Lifted / Quick Lift: How to Handle a Narcissist Boss (And Bullies, Micromanagers, and Other Toxic Managers)

Transcript

Quick Lift: How to Handle a Narcissist Boss (And Bullies, Micromanagers, and Other Toxic Managers) · Loud & Lifted

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  Have you ever worked for someone who made you
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  think, is this a job or am I being monitored
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  like a toddler? Yeah, same. Welcome to Allowed
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  and Lifted Quick Lift, the under 10 minute episode
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  where we take big insights and turn them into
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  small, repeatable moves you can use this week.
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  I'm your host, Betsy Hamm. Today, I'm recapping
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  my conversation with Linda Harvey. also known
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  as the management guru on TikTok. And we're focusing
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  on the kind of leadership situations that can
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  drain your confidence fast. The micromanager,
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  the narcissistic boss, and the workplace bully.
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  This quick lift is your playbook for staying
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  steady, strategic, and protected because you
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  don't have to get bonus points for suffering
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  quietly. Let's jump in. Takeaway number one,
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  why micromanage? And there are two types. Micromanagement
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  usually looks like control, but underneath it
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  all, it's almost always based on fear. Linda
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  broke it down like this, that there was really
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  two main types of micromanagers. Number one is
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  the, I don't trust you yet, micromanager. They
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  hover because they're worried you're going to
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  miss something, make them look bad, or create
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  a mess that they'll have to clean up. This can
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  show up with new leaders, especially, or maybe
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  new teams, or maybe if you're new with an organization
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  or after you did make a mistake. The opportunity
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  here, though, is sometimes you can improve this
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  dynamic by building trust through consistency
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  and clarity. We'll get to that in a moment. The
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  second type of micromanager is the I need to
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  feel powerful. This is the one who needs control
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  to feel important. They rewrite your emails.
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  They nitpick everything and make you feel like
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  nothing is ever quite right if they didn't do
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  it themselves. And you may be crushing it. The
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  reality is this type is harder to fix because
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  the micromanagement is tied to ego, not performance.
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  It actually has nothing to do with you. So the
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  question is, is the micromanagement temporary
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  and situational or is it their leadership personality?
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  This distinction changes your strategy. So, what
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  do you do? How can you train your boss or get
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  them to change? And yes, really, you can train
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  your boss in certain situations. So, the most
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  useful practical move in this situation is if
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  your boss is predictable, use that. Linda's example
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  is gold. If your boss always calls you at 4 o
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  'clock to check the progress or for a check -in,
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  call them at 345 with the update first. Why this
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  works. It gives them the reassurance they're
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  hunting for, but it puts you in control of the
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  narrative and it slowly retrains the nervous
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  system so that you've got it handled. So this
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  train your boss method again, this probably works
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  with type one, not type two of the micromanager.
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  That's a harder one to crack, but Try this for
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  one week. Observe their patterns. What do they
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  ask for every time? What makes them anxious?
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  When do they typically check in? And then create
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  an auto update rhythm. Maybe it's a quick daily
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  recap. It's an end of the day bullet list. It's
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  a weekly status snapshot. Pre -answer the questions
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  if they always ask. Where are we in this? Did
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  you get my email? What's next? Then include those
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  answers in your update. before they ask. You're
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  really not giving in. You're protecting your
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  time and building trust strategically. Again,
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  this is going to work with option or type number
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  one. This may not work with type number two,
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  but it's probably worth an attempt to see if
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  you can change the relationship. So that's how
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  we will handle a micromanager boss. Number two,
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  how narcissistic leaders operate. Now, this is
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  when it gets real. A narcissistic boss isn't
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  just difficult. They tend to follow a pattern.
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  There's no accountability. They're gaslighting
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  you. You remember it one way. They said it happened
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  another way. They're always controlling the narrative.
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  They give you praise and tell you outshine them.
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  And then suddenly it's criticism, exclusion,
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  weird power moves. The hard truth Linda shared
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  is you don't usually win with a narcissist by
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  confronting them head on. There's too much ego,
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  psychological things going on that you're honestly
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  not going to fix for them. But you can win by
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  staying steady, staying smart, and protecting
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  yourself. So the approach that Linda shared during
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  this part was to the calm detached approach,
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  the gray rock plus the follow -up notes. So these
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  are two tools that are simple and powerful. So
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  first, the gray rock theory. This is the boring
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  safe method. When a narcissist or any emotionally
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  volatile leader does this, you keep your tone
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  neutral. Keep your responses short. Don't over
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  explain. Don't get pulled into the drama and
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  don't take the bait. You become a gray rock.
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  Not fun, not reactive, not a target. Most narcissists
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  love the engagement and getting you riled up
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  and getting having that fear and anxiety just
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  sort of looming over your head. That's what they
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  thrive on. So if you can pull back and not feed
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  that, then hopefully that will at least help
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  them to maybe go. pick on somebody else or do
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  it to somebody else. But it's really about being
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  like a gray rock, a little boring, but you're
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  being safe. The second part of her suggestion
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  of how to deal with the narcissistic boss is
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  the follow -up notes. And this is really like
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  the receipts without being petty. After conversations,
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  especially confusing ones where they are probably
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  talking in circles and you're not really sure
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  where you stand or what next, send a quick recap
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  email. And this is a great idea if you have a
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  conversation with anyone that you're just not
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  quite sure if you both left on the same page
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  and if it's going to come back to bite you especially.
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  can keep it simple. You don't have to sound overly
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  professional or HR -ish about it, but you just
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  want to confirm that we aligned on X. You went
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  X by Thursday, you're going to do Y, and they
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  will handle Z, whatever it is. But it's just
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  a quick recap to assure that you are aligned.
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  And this matters a lot because it reduces that
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  he said, she said, and it creates clarity. And
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  if the story changes later, you've got documentation.
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  This is the grown up version of I'm not arguing
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  with you, I'm just saving this for later. And
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  again, if there's ever any kind of conversation
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  where there isn't clarity at the end and you're
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  not sure in the same page, just a quick bullet
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  email with what you heard and what was happening
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  next can go a long way. And last kind of leader
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  is a workplace bully. And the way to handle this
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  is, unfortunately, to document like a detective.
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  Bullying isn't strong leadership. It's not just
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  their style. It's a threat to psychological safety,
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  and it deserves a real response plan. So step
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  one is you're going to document, not feelings.
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  Facts. And this is, I think, sometimes where
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  people get wrong, where they want to go to HR,
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  or they want to go to their boss's boss, and
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  they talk about the feelings. I feel this. It
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  has to be the facts, the date and time something
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  happened, what was said or done. Wording matters.
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  Who witnessed it? And then the impact on the
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  work, if there was missed deadlines, public humiliation,
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  anything along those lines. Step two is, if it's
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  safe, try the conversation. Sometimes naming
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  it directly can stop it, especially if the thoughtless
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  behavior versus targeted abuse. But safety matters,
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  so... If you can bring it up and feel that you're
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  not going to be treated even more than I would
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  strongly suggest it. Sometimes something that
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  may make it feel like it's a bullying tactic
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  to you could just be the person being completely
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  oblivious of the impact that their words or their
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  behaviors have on you. So when in doubt, at least
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  have the conversation first. And I'd go back
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  to the conversation tips that we learned from
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  Sarita about how to handle difficult conversations
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  from season one. So if you do that and you have
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  this conversation, or maybe you decide not to,
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  then you have to figure out the next step is
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  if you can escalate it appropriately. HR, if
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  you have it. And this is always a tough part
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  too, right? How do you approach it? But going
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  to HR with the facts is the best approach. And
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  here's the line I want you to remember when you
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  do this. If leadership protects the bully, then
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  that's the culture. So go to HR, have the conversation,
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  share the documentation that you've been keeping,
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  but if nothing happens or... or it gets handled
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  inappropriately, then you really need to take
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  a look at your situation. Because at that point,
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  your job becomes you needing to protect your
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  confidence, protecting your career record, and
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  protecting the next move that you're going to
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  make. Which leads to the do I stay or do I go
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  checklist. And this can be used with any three
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  types of bosses. You need to ask yourself, is
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  it improving or is it repeating? Am I growing
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  here or am I shrinking here? Is there real accountability
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  above this person? Is my health changing because
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  of this job? Because no job is worth losing yourself
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  or being completely stressed out because of the
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  way that your relationship is with your boss.
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  There's a reason why people always say most employees
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  leave their boss, not their company. And I definitely
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  have seen that happen throughout my career to
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  any friends or even coworkers. So. These three
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  bosses are incredibly difficult to deal with
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  and challenging to fix, and you're not going
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  to fix them. So if you're dealing with a micromanager,
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  get proactive and set the rhythm. If it's a narcissist,
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  detach, document, and protect your energy. And
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  if it's bullying, you need the facts, the receipts,
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  an escalation, and a plan. If this episode helps
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  you, send to a friend who's currently rage applying
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  on LinkedIn at midnight. We've all been her.
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  And if you haven't yet, follow or subscribe and
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  leave a quick rating. It helps Mormon find the
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  show and build their confidence and leadership
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  tools in the real world. Thanks for listening.
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  Until next time, stay loud, stay lifted and protect
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  your peace.