Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 78: Motherhood, Parenting Our Parents, ADHD, Marriage, and being a 9-figure Multi-passionate Entrepreneur With Danielle Kitzes

Transcript

78: Motherhood, Parenting Our Parents, ADHD, Marriage, and being a 9-figure Multi-passionate Entrepreneur With Danielle Kitzes · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: The struggles of a woman um where do I begin?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: It may include the following motherhood, parenting our parents, kicking ass in your business or career, dealing with your mental health, oh hi anxiety, ADHD, or another neurodivergency, and being in a marriage or partnership.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: It's a lot.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: But how come it feels like no one talks about it?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: Like we as women need to be this superhero and we could do it all.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: Well, guess what?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: Me and my former client, who is now my neighbor, literally lives a mile away from me, Danielle Kittsis, a nine-figure entrepreneur, mother of three, and spiritual mentor, talk about it all.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_02: We talk about real life stories and struggles that we're going through right now.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: We even ask each other for advice in this podcast because this is a real talk podcast.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: And before we get deep, because you probably want to know what's happening in my life, do me and my team a favor.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: Hit that follow button on Apple, Spotify, or whatever streaming platform you are using to listen to this podcast, the WC and Allies Business and Career Real Talk podcast.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: My team and I created this podcast for accessible education and want more women of color and allies to have access to this.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: And how podcast platforms measure a successful podcast is seeing how many people hit that follow button.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: So just pause this episode, hit the follow button, and come right back on.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: All right, let's drop the beat.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, I'm Elaine Lucartas.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a business and career coach for women of color and allies.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: Elaine Weekly awarded me the number one thought leader, and Apple News named me one of the top five business coaches.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: Done doing the most as a woman of color or ally, and you want to create your own definition of success and happiness?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: Well, grab your coffee tea or boba and let's do some business and career real talk.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: Because we have a mother of three, a multi-passionate entrepreneur who's had nine-figure businesses.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: And how long have you been married now, Danielle?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: I know you just celebrated.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: We just celebrated 13 years.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: 13 years of marriage, honoring herself doing me time, my former client for I believe a year or two, and now my new neighbor, by the way, because I moved to her neighborhood, literally a mile away.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm excited to have Danielle Kitses in here.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't even know this.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: I was like joking around in a very fun manner of like, you are like Miss America.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't realize you were all the things indigenous, Jewish, Catholic, Costa Rican, European.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: It's amazing.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: So we wanted to focus on being real, having real talk on motherhood, being a multi-passion entrepreneur, me time, being a caregiver to our parents.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: Danielle, what else?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, hello, I forgot.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: Danielle's also medical intuitive, energy healer intuitive.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: If it wasn't for Danielle, I wouldn't have gotten Reiki certified with her own mentor, Becky Hernandez.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: So Danielle, you helped open that portal.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: The reason why I got into Reiki and spirituality is because both my grandmothers were starting to go transition.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: Danielle, what else do you want to brag about yourself?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I we were just talking about this, that it was because of you and obviously therapy.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well not therapy.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And having a good partner that I was able to really step into being able to celebrate myself and acknowledge my wins and my accomplishments.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I I think you covered it.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's you know, texting a friend that lives close to us since we are neighbors.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: We're, I think we're literally a mile away from each other.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: We are not recording next to each other, but we are technically a mile away from each other.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: But we could yes.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: Future episode.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: And one of my friends who I boxed with Zoomua Thai with, she didn't like bragging that she's a nurse and a respiratory therapist to the rest of the gym.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, you should brag about I don't like bragging.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, you know what?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: Man brag all the fucking time.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like, this is not bragging, you're just stating facts.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like you are saving lives because she comes in, she looks really tired because she was working a long 12-hour shift.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, oh my God, what happened?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: No, I just worked.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, yeah, she and I would just be that cheerleader.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: She's saving lives, everybody.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: But, anyways, Danielle, so you are a multi-passion entrepreneur owning several rental properties, co-owning an escrow company for 15 years and overseeing nine figure deposits while at the same time also being a spiritual mentor, Reiki energy healing, and a mother of three, a loving daughter taking care of your mom, and married for 13 years.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: How did you get here?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: How did you girl, how'd you survive?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think that is still not yet clear if I've survived, but no, I have.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm here.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: You're thriving.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, not just surviving, you're thriving.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I I really am.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at a place of being really happy and content where things are, but I think it's life.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's where life takes you and where you allow it to take you.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I've gotten here.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think every aspect of where I'm at and what I am doing now is attributed to some passion I had when I was younger.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I always loved real estate and I loved architecture and interior design.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: And you have such a beautiful home that I got to do a Reiki session with you.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and we're in that room, right?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: So that was really helpful was having a dad who worked in the real estate industry.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of luck, right?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: What you're born into, but him finally agreeing to have me work with him because it was for years, no.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then just in the journey of with spirituality and healing, and that was a part of my childhood, and through my mom and hearing stories about our family.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's just been all these different pieces of my past finally emerging to a place where I could accept them as passions and things I wanted to do and not feel like I had to force myself to just pick one, right?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: That there's a way to do things against the grain that actually works better for me and better for my life, better for my family.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: It makes sense.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, we worked together for a year.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: And when I was preparing for this interview, I'm like I texted Danielle before I was like, I didn't realize, I mean, I knew you were amazing, but I didn't even know how much more amazing you are.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: And I love that you not just acknowledged it, but appreciated my compliment to you.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: And it makes sense why you are multi-passionate is because you are multidimensional, like from your upbringing.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: So I know you are a survivor of intergenerational trauma.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: I have a lot of listeners, including my own clients who are beautifully neurodivergent, right?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: Having weather anxiety, PTSD, and depression.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: What advice would you have for those that are listening?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: Or what do you wish someone told you when you were like really in the thick of it?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I think I can say what I didn't like being told, which was, and I think this is something people of color and children of immigrants can understand is don't tell the doctors or don't ask those questions because it'll be on your paper, it'll be on your medical history.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, there's so many barriers we were already up against to make yourself extra different was not seen as I think I would have appreciated someone just saying it's okay to be different.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it took years, and like you mentioned, right, the labels.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I recently, just last summer, finally got a full psychological, you know, assessment.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it was the most liberating thing I could have done for myself, right?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Between between talking to therapists and my partner and having my little village, getting to know that you're not crazy, getting to know, oh, there is something here.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to identify with the label, make it your whole identity.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, you now have access to more tools and resources that can help you navigate life within these different subsets or bubbles that you find yourself in.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I would say talking to people is the best thing, acknowledging that you are who you are and there's nothing wrong with you.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And even especially for neurodivergent folks, the next step that there's nothing to fix, right?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like you are who you are.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe there are things that we can usually bring into our lives to help us adapt better in a world that wasn't built for our brains or our experiences in the case of CPTSD, right?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or PTSD.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: And what is that, by the way, just in case people don't know?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's complex PTSD.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that is one of the labels that I was given.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: But it gives so much clarity of oh, this isn't what someone else has experienced.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So this makes sense why I may respond or react in a certain way.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So being able and being willing to put your trust and faith in a medical institution that we hear so much about, right?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or in the lives of professionals that really do have your best interests at heart, right?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like the person who saw me, she was a woman of color.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that made me feel even more comfortable, right?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: That here is not just a woman, but a woman of color working with me, hearing my accounts, and being able to say, oh no, you don't have that, you have this, right?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And here are things I recommend, here are tools I recommend to help you get even healthier along your journey.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's I know you said the word liberating, right?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: Liberating in terms of you finally getting that validation of I'm not crazy.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: There's actually a reason why I am this.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: Like for those what ad well, what insight would you have?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Because I have I know people where they're like, you know, they they self-diagnose themselves because it was TikTok or Instagram popular, like, oh, I have ADHD.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I have this.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_02: So they could probably self-diagnose themselves because they could relate to that while at the same time.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: Why would you advise or encourage those to look at a formal psychotherapy assessment and to work with a therapist?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: What does that do?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: Because I could also understand the fear of, oh, they're probably gonna validate that I am crazy.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna do?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you come up with if there is some sort of diagnosis that terrifies you.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And one like the CPTSC obviously was not one that I was expecting.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was something else.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I did go through like a full two-week grieving period of like, oh, this wasn't just something I was born with.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is something I had to actually live through, right?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're going to get a therapist to make sure this specialist, this therapist had a specialization in whatever is your label or your perceived label because they're going to be able to help you.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: They'll understand and come from a place of wanting to give you resources that could benefit you to feel better, because that's really what it is.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's about us coming to a place of acceptance and feeling better in the skin we're in and the world we're living in.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So you can self-diagnose yourself.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I had done that with another label, but there's so much overlap between different labels and different characteristics and symptoms that having the professional that, you know, I went through 12 sessions, I went double what she would normally do because she was like, I could diagnose you with this, but there's also this.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And by digging deeper, she could say, Oh, yep, that's off the table.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's what this is.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so it helps to have a better understanding so you can get more appropriate tools and resources to help you.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: That being said, it also helps me understand different parts of the population because even if I have this label, right, I can see how the characteristics here also kind of overlap with this bubble.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so it helps me to better understand others and relate to them in a way that even though I may not fully know their experience, I can understand that feeling.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can understand living with certain characteristics.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: So self-diagnosis is helpful if we're gonna be able to use that to move us forward in a productive and healthy direction.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's just a label to give an excuse, like, oh, well, that's why I do this, right?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: But we're not gonna help ourselves live better in our world, then why?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And also by going the next step to the professional, I think you're giving yourself and those around you, right?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: My husband better understands me now, my friends better understand me, other, you know, other just other people I connect with better understand me, and I better understand them because in it like it just happens that you say something and someone's like, oh my gosh, me too, and you start chatting, and it just opens up this whole other world where then someone else feels understood, safe, heard, seen, and maybe deciding, hmm, maybe this is something I want to explore further for myself.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't feel trapped or stuck in this way of living, right?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so, I mean, we're around the same age, you're the same age as my partner.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: And and I am, I'm just being transparent, I am very jealous that it is now where it's more open to talking about these neurodivergencies compared to when we're younger, like high school or even high school, where we can even talk about it.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_02: And I've been trauma-informed certified, and even through that, I'm being mindful of when clients ask me, for example, hey, how do you do this?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: I have problems doing time management.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_02: And rather than telling them what to do, I ask the question, well, what has worked for you?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: What is a step you can do?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's being mindful that someone's brain you were saying about how it is better in terms of your relationship with your husband, your relationship with your friends, with family members.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I know so often what people think of that this is how anxiety happens, right?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: We think of the what-ifs and what the future is gonna hold, right?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: And a lot of things like, okay, they're gonna label me with or they're gonna validate that it's ADHD example.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_02: So what do I do now?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_02: Do I just say, hey, mom, I have ADHD?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: This explains why I have piles of clothes in throughout my room, but they are organized in my head, like the chaos files.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, the chaos files.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: So I I have a lot of family members and friends who have ADHD.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm curious, like, what is the communication with a loved one of like, hey, I have this realization, or not realization, but I was assessed.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: Or both.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: It could be a realization of like, I think this might be me.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_02: Rather than using it as an excuse.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_02: Because you'd want to make sure that the other person doesn't feel like, oh, she's just making an excuse to explain why she's so messy.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you share, hey, I'm starting to notice these things.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: What else would you know say about me that like is kind of quirky?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then having the feedback of a loved one and being willing to take it, you know, for some people that have like rejection dysphoria, you might that might be like a no-go, like a no-zo.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're not even gonna ask that question.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: But it helps because you can both work together on, hey, I want to try doing this to see if it helps me, or hey, I actually do need reminders here, or whatever it is.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I could use your help in learning how to organize.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is that even?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: How did you do that?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it has to be a give and a take, and there has to be vulnerability on both sides of recognizing this is a real thing, one, whether you believe it's purely scientific, purely spiritual, purely whatever, or some hodgepodge.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: The fact is you both work together to help each other and support yourselves, right?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to help my partner.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hoping he's also here to help me.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I when he sees me in a certain state, or I tell him, hey, today is just not a great brain day for me, then he can ask me, what do you need my help with?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: How can I support you?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_02: That question, and and I don't think that's just a neurodivergent thing.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: I was having a life thing.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: I was I was on a phone call with a loved one, and they were sharing with me like how they were having conscious conversations with their partner.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: And she was just like, Oh my gosh, I'm having this realization that I haven't been paying attention and blah, blah, blah.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, this is great.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: Like, no, that just means I've been a horrible partner.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: No, like it's actually great you're aware.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: So two things one, be aware, create action.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: But but what people forget, because I don't know why, but we just I feel like as a woman, we make shut up in our head in a story that's a lot of people.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: That's what I do sometimes.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be honest.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_02: I know, we do.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I I told, I told my my loved one, I was just like, literally just ask him what does he need.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: Like ask someone what do they need and take ego out the door if your partner is going to be telling you, I need time and space, because that's how they cope.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: And maybe you are different.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you want someone to hold you, you want someone to like listen to you and cry, that is okay.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: But also be okay that not everybody has similar coping mechanisms as you.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_02: That's why the question of what do you need right now is an important question.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: How can I be there for you?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: How can I support you?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: And but the thing is, we have to also be willing to receive the help.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just a neurodivergent thing.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is a person of color thing, this is a you know, first generation thing, or it's showing up anything.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like it is, it is so much piled on top of everything that we have to be willing to receive help.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if we start feeling that feeling to, as my therapist told me, she's like, over-communicate, just overcommunicate.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, I yeah, I need help, but I'm my brain, and I use that.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: My brain is telling me, not me.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: My brain is telling me this and that I'm gonna be a burden and this and that.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so by just letting it out there, not your just your partner, it could be friends and family that do want to support you because you will come across people who don't believe in it.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, that's just the esos son those berias.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's just silly talk you have, right?
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's especially important you recognize who are the people that really are your village, who are the people that really may not understand, but are willing to try to learn and try to grow with you, and that you're gonna have miss, you're gonna make mistakes.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: There are gonna be some setbacks and not berating you or giving you an extra hard time, but recognizing, oh, this is hard.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is really hard for her.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she's probably gonna beat herself up more than anything like that ever tell her.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: So being able to know who you are, which is how I got here, right?
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: All these life experiences and being able to say, This is who I am, for better or worse.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the parts that are worse, I'm not just gonna live and dwell in there, like, oh, I'll never change, things never change.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, how can I help myself so that the anxiety piece or depression piece we're not so strong, right?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because it is ultimately on us to help ourselves.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're not willing to do that, it doesn't matter whether you self-diagnose or go to professional, nothing real or sustainable is going to happen in your life.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_02: So I will be vulnerable because this might help people that might be stuck in the mud, right?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: And it was after we worked together, because I know we worked together during COVID and the pandemic.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: And my business doubled.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I mean, you knew me before then because you used to go to my in-person events back in the day.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: You were awesome.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_02: And I just like, I think at the time when we were working together, I had about 20 plus clients and I was doing bi-weekly events.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_02: And then after doing that for a full year or two, I like burnt out where I would just randomly cry.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't triggered by anything, but I'm pretty sure anyone listening, or even you, Danielle, like, I would just start crying.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_02: And I knew what I had to do to make money.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: I knew what I had to do for work.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_02: I just couldn't.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_02: And I felt and I kept complaining.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_02: I kept complaining to my boyfriend.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_02: I kept complaining to friends and loved ones.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_02: And then in my head, I heard all the shit talk.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I am so tired of listening to this bullshit.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I need to go see a therapist again.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I just got over myself.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you get to a point where you're like, I can't live like this.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I I say even now in this household, which gets rather busy.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_02: Danielle locked the door right before this.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had to lock the door because my mom walked in being like, What's going on in there?
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: But with living with my mom, my husband, my three kids, and a dog, it can be a lot sometime.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a lot.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_02: So there's a quote that you can do it all the day you realize you should not do it all.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: Which means asking for help.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you can do it all, and there you'll never be able.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: To do everything 100%.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: So you can do it all.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And no, it's not going to look perfect.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's going to it can get messy.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you may not appease everyone in the process, including yourself.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like you will inadvertently ending up, you're going to let down someone at some point.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was Shonda Rhymes, like her book of yes, the year of yes, or whatever it was, right?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Something like that.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Started reading it.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to read about a woman who was this top head, who was really killing it, and also a mom.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember her saying that that some days she's doing great.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: She's at school with her daughter, watching the play, doing the this, but then something suffers at work.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next day, she's doing amazing at work, and she hasn't seen her kid for however long, right?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, you can do it all, but do you really need to?
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have to?
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a way to bring in more ease?
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a way to, you know, the intergenerational trauma piece?
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to what were the voices you heard and the words you heard and the actions and the silences.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: What did the silence mean growing up?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: And is that what you want to recreate in your life?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can, but do you have to?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a different wing that's maybe more beneficial for you and future generations?
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_02: I actually love that.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I actually want to remind listeners what you grew up to and saw.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_02: Or maybe even what made me realize I want to get out of politics, I was seeing all these people that I admired, right?
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_02: They had amazing clients' accounts, making great money were in the front page of all the big newspapers.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_02: But then I saw their personal life.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I don't want that.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_02: So seeing what you grew up with, or maybe professionally in your career, I just want to remind our listeners, you get to unlearn and create how you want your real life to look like, and acknowledging where you're at in this present moment.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_02: Because I understand that we can't control life experiences and situations.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're not 100% in control, but we can, you know, it depends on the trauma piece too.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: But we can either choose how we're going to respond versus react or help ourselves get to a place where we can respond more in alignment with what we want to respond with versus the initial guttural reaction that we're hit with.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I mean, that's part of why I left that company.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: We had sold a business, right?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: We sold it to a bank, and I got pregnant with my second daughter, and I'd had complications with my first personally, and she had complications as well.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking to myself, I don't want to do this again.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: I already have one prototype of what that life is like.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to do that again.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And and also because you realize your worth and you realize where you're appreciated or not.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: You realize maybe the environment isn't actually helping you grow, right?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not who you are anymore.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I made that big decision.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_02: And that's a lot of grief.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's a lot of grief.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: And there was that feeling of I'm going to disappoint all these people because you know, this was my dad's company.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: There was his business partners person, his son also working there.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: There was, I'm going to disappoint all these people by leaving.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And my life is for me and for my family.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: No one else is going to be raising my kids and being there for those moments.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd already missed plenty of things with my first.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it was that reparenting piece, you know.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Each child I said has gotten a different version of me.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think a better version with each step.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm getting more like Danielle.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_02: I got these earrings.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to take it out because I'm getting so relaxed as you're going to deepen into our conversations to continue.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: But also just realizing, you know, the struggles that come right with parenting more.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I just feel like you have to know who you are and you have to know what you're willing to accept and what you're willing to choose for yourself moving forward.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if you choose to have children or be a part of other children's lives, whether you know their nephews, nieces, nibblings.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: I love that phrase, nibbling.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, I have not heard that term.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_02: What does that mean?
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's a way of being able to say nephews and nieces without having to be gender specific.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh like niblings, kind of like siblings, but nibblings, right?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_02: Love it.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, this is so great.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just being able to see how you want to do things differently in your life than how you were raised.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean your whole childhood was horrible.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe for some people it was, maybe for some people it wasn't.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: But it's saying, okay, this part is lovely.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for the part that isn't, what can I do?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: And also again, what resources do I need?
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: What tools do I need to help myself move forward to live something different?
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh despite possibly disappointing everyone in the process of you figuring out who your true self is.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: And also true self at the moment.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: I also want to share that too.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_02: Because true true self can evolve and change.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_02: Well, a thousand person.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Depending on what how we're always evolving.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Me today is not the same person 10 years ago.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_02: No, because some some life situation or experience has happened.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_02: You're like, oh, that makes complete sense.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_02: There, I I think it was you know, our spiritual mentor, Becky, that said it, but like our kids are our elders, like in another dimension.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_02: You know, like I see my nibblings as you as you're sharing earlier, where I'm like, oh my gosh, that's where I got it from.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and then how can I change the situation here?
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_02: Like, for example, I was with my my two nieces, right?
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_02: They're sisters.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_02: And she like yelled at her little sister.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_02: And she was like, Theta, which is similar to Thea or Aunt Thea.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_02: Theta, look, she like markered all over, all over like the coffee table.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_02: And then I'm like, okay, I'm so glad you shared that with me.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_02: But your sister probably just didn't know that that was wrong.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_02: You know, like she was in a very reactive state.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, hey, like we're gonna clean this together, okay?
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna get a piece of paper and you can color.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, let's get a napkin.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, there were washable markers, like we're gonna clean it.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, you need to write here, okay?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like, not here on this table because we put our food here, we put coffee there, like explaining it to them too.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because they do understand, yeah.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, children understand so much more than we give them credit for, which in turn speaks to how we were raised and maybe not given credit for understanding a lot more than our parents or elders thought we knew, and we did.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um my god.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: So there is that uplearning there too, right?
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: Of like, I was being gas lit, but not intentionally.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was just, oh no, no, you didn't see that.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, no, you didn't hear that.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, you heard wrong.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: Did I?
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: We realized later, oh no, I didn't.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: I heard perfectly clearly and correctly, and you know, and then this understanding even the past, why were things said the way they were.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, and also not blaming our parents, but there's also the like to my understanding from how they were also raised, you need to respect the elders, right?
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_02: So do what they say, right?
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_02: Like, don't touch that.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_02: Like, for example, when I was young, there was hot coffee, and my grandma yelled at me and I was three.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, Don't touch it.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_02: What do you?
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a kid, I'm gonna go touch it.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_02: What happens?
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_02: I got third degree burns and went to the hospital.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's funny you bring that up, and also because tonight, and this kind of touches also with how kids or the younger generations really are here to teach us.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: Very honest.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm generally, I think, a pretty calm parent, but I haven't.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're an amazing human.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: I am human.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have raised my voice, it has happened.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: So tonight, my youngest decided it would be fun to stand up on bed and put on her pull-up, her nighttime pull-up, and her pants.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: She's still two, she's almost three, but she's not as coordinated.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: At first, we don't stand up on beds and you know, and I got scared, like, oh my gosh, she can fall off this bed because she was very close to the edge.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I raised my voice, like, please get down from the bed.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's not safe.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: And she just looked at me and wouldn't listen, just kept doing her thing.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, if you're unable to keep yourself safe, I'm gonna have to take you off his bed.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was like, I'm gonna count to five.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: And and I had like made a threat, which I try not to do, but it was okay.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, then you're gonna have to, you know, sleep in your bed all night, and you know, all but it was coming out of fear, which is very much from my predecessors, right?
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt yucky about it afterwards, and she went straight to my husband.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: She made me sad and she told me this.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I heard it and she came back to me.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: She said, I don't, I didn't like you, yelled at me, you know.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: And we had this conversation.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: I said, You know what?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: That was inappropriate of me.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: I did it because I was scared of you falling down, but that's still not okay.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna do that again.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do better.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you forgive me?
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, she said yes.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Can I have a hug?
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: She just beamed.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: And she said it a few more times as I was putting her to bed.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: I really didn't like that.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I again it goes to show where they're talking to us.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: So we make mistakes, but we have to own up to it and then create repair, right?
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: And create repair.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that's that reparenting and being willing to swallow our pride and ego and be like, yeah, I screwed up.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I told her, you're right, I shouldn't have said you have to spend all night in your bed.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because the kids know if they wake up in the middle of the night, they're welcome to come join us, whether they're scared or not.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we don't want them to have excuses.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: We want that, they want to just snuggle, come snuggle.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to make an excuse for what your needs are in that moment, right?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was tonight putting her to bed and having to all know.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: So that I made a mistake and I'm not gonna do that because it's not right, and I don't want you to think that.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like thinking so much like alliterations to her podcast episode where I'm like, I need to rename it to like even talking about multi-generational caregiving because in all vulnerability, for example, you I mean you're in real estate, but my parents own a property and they rented it out to like a friend of a friend, and they want to back out of the one-year lease, right?
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_02: And they were giving the sob story.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, mom, this is a business transaction, right?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, we're gonna get a lawyer involved.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_02: They're just like, wait, why?
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_02: How much did they cost?
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, mom, this is a business transaction.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, she's been giving you too much sob stories.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_02: You're not like this, no.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, I I acknowledge I raised my voice, and it was like, you should have known, like you should have done this.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_02: I shared this with you that you were supposed to do it, but you still did it.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_02: Listen to me and you did it this way.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_02: Now I have to repair it.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm like having to deal with like talking to a lawyer, explaining everything for two days because I knew my parents were going to explain it to me, like to the lawyer.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_02: And as I was yelling, and then my mom was like, Well, I didn't know, Elaine.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and then it just also made me have a better understanding of you know that because I'm a first-hand immigrant.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_02: I am born and raised here for immigrants and I think.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_02: They had to assimilate and integrate, right?
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_02: And maybe too scared to speak up.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_02: And and I told my mom, like, hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_02: I actually have a better understanding of what you had to go through as an immigrant.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I'm not gonna lie though, in my head, I was just like, if this is the other way around, my parents would know it.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_02: They still do not apologize when they make mistakes.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's so different, so different.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but I will because because I'm just trying to be a better human.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_02: Like I acknowledge that I'm not a no in all.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think to your point, where like my mom lives with us.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so I remembered saying, I'm so grateful, because you know, I love my mom.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, she's my best friend, but now I I see how there were certain aspects of the relationship that maybe were not ideal or maybe could have been different.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: But again, everything happens.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here, I'm doing great now, so it's fine.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I remembered saying, I was so grateful to have her live with us so that she could experience unconditional love.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: And all the things that I started to notice, why, right?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do we do the way why do you do things the way we do?
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we say certain things?
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we act?
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we think a certain way?
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was being able to be like, okay, you didn't get that.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe I didn't get that, but now I know that it can be something different, and I want to give that to you.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's been interesting to see, even on her end, there are certain layers that I've seen shift and change because we speak differently to one another or to the kids or we do things differently, that they can grow.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying to like put hope in all adults of prior generations, but through our example, we do get to show them something different.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: And we may get that apology.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: We may get a different way of communicating with one another.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, it's it's really beautiful being able to be in that space of you acknowledging and sharing, whether it's reciprocated or not, isn't the point.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's just you being a better person.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_02: Legacy leader.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_02: I know what you're thinking.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_02: Elaine, you have such good stuff here.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_02: I want more.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_02: So if you want more tips and advice for your business career in life, sign up for my gifts and gifts newsletter at elanelu.com forward slash join.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's J-O-I-N.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: And here's three things you'll get when you join, because I'm like Santa Claus.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_02: I love giving.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_02: Number one, funny gifts.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_02: Cause who doesn't love memes and pop culture references?
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_02: This newsletter is so fetched.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_02: Number two, receive actionable gifts.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's business, career, and life tips that you can start doing today.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_02: Third, the gift of me.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_02: Not only do you get my wins, but also my failures, my reflections.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_02: My Gifts and Gifts newsletter is like an up-to-date diary.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_02: Think Zenga or Life Journal for my fellow millennials, where I share vulnerable stories, relatable mistakes, and important life tips like what to watch on Netflix.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_02: Like when's the next Bridgerton season?
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're ready for those fun gifts and actionable gifts to create a more sustainable life, then join my newsletter at elaneloo.com forward slash join.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's J O I N.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_02: All right, let's get back to the episode.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_02: Sharing without expectations, right?
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_02: Because then when you are attached to an expectation, then disappointment happens, resentment happens.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_02: So my next question, and I kind of warned you before we hit record, is more of a selfish question.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_02: And we're kind of alluding to it in this conversation.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_02: Being a woman of color, being first gen immigrant, often women of color, or just women in general.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_02: We are no one, no one tells us about this silent role of being a caregiver to because who do our kids go to?
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_02: Like they're crying, they're gonna go to their mother.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_02: Who do our parents go to when they need support, like what I was sharing about my parents?
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_02: Whether it's legal or financial or emotional, or even taking them to the doctor.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's the daughters, it's the ones usually the daughter.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_02: So can you share advice or tips on how to handle it?
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_02: Or even how to even create boundaries?
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_02: Because you know, I don't get it even perfectly.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_02: Even I was getting text messages from the lawyer from talking to my parents and during dinner, and and my boyfriend's like, you're doing a lot.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, but I'm choosing to our role.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm choosing that we've been raised into.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: But there is a choice.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, again, I'm not perfect, and I I've made my fair share of mistakes.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: But boundaries are key.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, especially when you have someone who's older and has their own aging-related stuff going on, whether it's you know, mental, emotional, whatever, inventional Alzheimer's, all that.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: It is being able to say, I can't do that right now.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: I will do it, right?
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: And recognizing for yourself that this is not the same person you had 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, whatever it was.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of grace involved in forgiveness of yourself, right?
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Also for them that they're going through a lot.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not just a change in your role, but a change in their role because they have to get help now, right?
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: And for those that have been helping their parents since childhood, right?
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if your parents spoke it, you know, their own native language, their own native tongue, it's giving yourself the ability to take a moment and say, I don't have to do this right now.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or, like you said, I get to do this right now, taking space when you need to, being able to say, even if it's again with those with memory care issues, five times, ten times answering 20 times the same question, walking out the room if you have to, right?
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just, I gotta, I gotta ground myself and center myself and take some deep breath.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: But you have to do what's right for you, ground and balance, so that you can be the best version of yourself for yourself and for this person that you're caring for.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because especially at, you know, as they're older, there's no need to make all of our lives more difficult how based on how we're treating other people.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: It could be frustrating for sure.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also, again, trying to remind yourself that this is a different person and you're a different person.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: So if you tended to react a certain way as a child when a parent acted towards you or said things towards you, that you don't have to be rat version of yourself.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: Having your village, you know, friends, family, therapist, whatever that looks like, having your village to help you with whatever you're feeling and going on.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I share with you how I had I had spent part of this weekend helping a friend moving out of her, well, moving out of when she used to live in her mom's apartment 20 plus years ago because her mom's moving in with her and her family.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so it means asking for help.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's not just like I was telling you, it's not just, oh, let's go to brunch, oh, let's do happy hour, oh, let's get a mani petty, oh, let's get a massage or facial together.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's hey, I need you to help me move out of this place or help me pack.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: I need to help, I need to help me unpack.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm I'm struggling here because I have a child, sandwich generation, and an elder.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help watch my child?
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: Can you, whatever it looks like, being able to recognize your limits and not wait till you're at your limit to the best of your ability to then ask for help?
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because then you're at your limit and you may not get help.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then you feel easier to be.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_02: You know, well, I want to share even the siblings part of it, right?
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_02: So, like I have two brothers, and like I said, I am the female, and there's that silent role.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_02: And like I said, I have agency and choice, I've decided to take it.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_02: At the same time, also honoring what my brothers are willing to put into it, right?
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_02: And for one of my brothers, he has two kids, so completely understand that.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_02: The other one, single, isn't sales and travel, except he's very, he's the baby, he's the youngest, so he's very short with my parents, gets annoyed really easily when there's a mistake that happens.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Look, I know you do not want to talk to mom and dad, but I need your emotional support to talk things through.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_02: Like, even in this situation this past week, I'm like, hey, I remember I referred you to a lawyer, it worked out well with you.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_02: Like, would you refer them to even mom and dad?
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, okay.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_02: So, what are the steps?
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_02: And then even sharing him my thoughts or ideas of what my parents should do next.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_02: And then I would talk to my mom, like, okay, I talked to, you know, Daryl, my other brother.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, oh, you talk to him.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_02: How come he doesn't talk to me?
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_02: Like, mom, you already know he's gonna be so annoyed talking to you.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_02: Just know he cares and go there.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, he cares and loves you.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_02: So he's talking, he's supporting you by talking with me.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: The best way he knows how.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_02: So just even respecting what other people are willing to do.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you have siblings because that does help a lot generally, right?
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: To be able to dole out.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: But again, it goes back to picking up for yourself and the boundaries and really asserting yourself, like this is what I'm gonna do, this is what I can't do, and I need you to help me here because there's so many dynamics where it is left on one person and the rest are like, oh, I don't want to do it, and they don't.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know the person bents and khavches, but they don't actually pick up for themselves and say, Nope, sorry, I really am not doing this, or hey, you need to chip in the money then.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not gonna be here in this capacity, I need you in this capacity.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I do have a half sister.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: We have the same dad, but different moms, and different than having a full sibling, but it is helpful to have someone that you can talk to and Hey, I need your advice.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm going through this.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have that, that's great, right?
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, then it's it's finding that network.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have that in friends or family, you have to find it.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's the thing is this is the action.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: I remember you said that earlier, the taking action.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to, because you'll drown otherwise.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way of mincing it.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: You will drown otherwise.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_02: Being brave enough to ask.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, what I even took away from this, because my dad is preparing for knee surgery.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_02: See, we are talking about real life situations.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_02: So he's doing a knee replacement.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_02: It actually works out well because my boyfriend's going to be out of town.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I will be there the first 10 days of his surgery.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm also going to be there for pre-op.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_02: But there is a day after where he's going to do an appointment.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_02: So you actually really gave me great advice.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, shit, I can't take him.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_02: What am I going to do?
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_02: But I love the language that you just shared.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_02: Like, hey, I'm going to be 10 days with dad.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm going to be there pre-op.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_02: Can someone please bring him post-op?
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_02: I have to be at a conference.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: And you have, and that's the thing.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's really honoring where you're at and what you can and can't do, and not trying to be everything for everyone because you will suffer, you know.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it also shows hey, I trust you.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: You are fully capable, sibling, cousin, whatever, to help me in this capacity.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: I trust in your ability to take dad home from the hospital and do something when I can't, or whatever it is.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's I think the other thing too is I'm grateful that I have a pretty good relationship with my mom.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it can get complicated for those that don't have that.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so, in that respect, for advice there, it would be don't force yourself to do something just because you think you should or you have to.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so it does get tricky depending on what that dynamic is.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_00: But again, therapy has helped.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_00: And again, if you don't have that, it's talking to a friend, it's going on one of those internet forum, chat groups, whatever, that you can talk to along that same theme or whatever is going on in your life.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because some friends don't have that.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: They're not dealing with sandwich generation or they're not dealing with a parent because maybe their parents have already passed, right?
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: So just being able to find what you need to help you get through it is a big part of it.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, we have dived deep in conversation.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_02: I was like taking notes.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's life.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_02: That's life.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_02: Like motherhood, multi-passionate entrepreneurship with these nine-figure empires, mental health, marriage, multi-generational caregiving.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_02: So a more lighthearted question.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_02: That's next is how did you delve into wanting to be an intuitive, a medium, a spiritual mentor?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was terrified, especially the mediumship.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I remember things in my childhood and always feeling certain things and intuiting certain things and hearing again stories of other relatives in my family and what they could do.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it was yoga training.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_00: I did a yoga teacher training, and that was the gateway.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then in that training, met Becky, who did Reiki.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember her business card had a line from a fruit of fruit of song.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it caught my attention.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't know what you're doing.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know like what you do.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't still understand what this Reiki business is, but I know I need to meet with you.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so experiencing it with her made me feel like, oh, this feels right.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then she started telling me, Well, you know, you do this, this, this.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I had other people like I'd rather get a random psychic reading or whatever.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: And they'd say the same thing.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know you do what I do.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh yeah, okay.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm laughing.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_02: I am I'm laughing because I remember I was telling him, like, my grandma just had a stroke.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what do I do?
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like, talk to Becky.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_02: And then I talked to Becky and she's like, I need to communicate with my grandma.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_02: How do you do it?
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Reiki.
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I don't want to do it.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_02: And she's like, why?
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, because it's such a trendy thing and I don't want to do something that's trendy.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_02: I just really want to communicate with my grandma.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, no, you you need Reiki.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay, but I don't want to call myself like a Reiki master and like have to do all this trendy shit.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm just being really honest and transparent.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because it took off, it went in a certain direction, and there was a whole aesthetic behind it.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I did it.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: Which I kind of fell prey to, but I was like, but this isn't quite me, you know?
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't I didn't want to meet the branding that was perceived.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's it is the opening.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that was the opening in her saying, well, you know, I also teach this other stuff to high really help you heighten your intuition.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so then through that, I was like, oh, okay.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then it was, you're so I was so scared of the mediumship.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, You've got to do it.
• 49:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's true.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: So now I tend to lean into the things that terrify me to a certain extent, not safety-wise, right?
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm, you know, not gonna be foolish, because there's something there I meant to learn.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_00: There's something there for me to overcome.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it was in that that seeing how I navigated the initial mediumship sessions, that you know, there were a lot, you're trying to put the trigger point, there were a lot of unalied, like intentional unalied.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_00: And those were my greatest fears.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_02: And sorry, what does that mean just in case other people who are living?
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd had someone in the house I grew up with commit suicide.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not in not when I was living there, before I'd lived there.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I could feel the energy because it was in my room and my closet.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, my mouth is open because because I went through a similar experience where I was living somewhere and they didn't tell me when I was renting it, but someone committed suicide in the room I was sleeping in.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's it was intense, and that's part of why it scared me, right?
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because, but then as I started to experience this practicing, and that was pretty consistently a lot of the situations that came through and navigating it, I realized, you know what, I can handle this.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can handle this.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I had a deeper understanding of why people do that.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so it just kind of anchored me even further in the spirituality piece and wanting to understand also the neuroscience piece, like wanting to understand what is it, what's going on in our brains, and how is this part of our brain?
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: Is it genetic, is it epigenetic, is it like circumstance?
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like did you get into a car accident that damaged your prefrontal cortex?
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_00: And like there are all these different parts to it that just kind of took me down this path of weaving the spirituality, but also how do we move past where we're at?
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_00: But it's kind of like practical spirituality, like getting to know ourselves more deeply, our faith, our connection to our spirit, and whatever it is we believe in, if we believe in something more, and how we relate to others in that space.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it's like when I talk about PL reports of my clients, we're looking at their numbers, right?
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_00: The data, all the data.
• 51:19
  SPEAKER_02: Well, even before the data, right?
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like we're just like intuitively, it's like, okay, I know that majority of my revenue stream is coming from this.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_02: I think I'm getting an ROI from this marketing channel.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think this is working.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_02: So it's like think, think, think, right?
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_02: Intuitive.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_02: This is what I'm thinking.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_02: And your intuition's always right.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_02: What data, right?
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_02: The masculine energy, the opposite of feminine spirituality, what it does is that it actually validates and confirms intuition that you have.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_02: So that you have inner confidence.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_02: So it's that what you're talking about, the neuroscience cognitive as well as spirituality, so that you then have the confidence and the validation to take action.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I love that you said that because I've met so many people who are like, Well, how do I know if I'm right?
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_00: How do I, you know?
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_00: And in getting to practice with your intuition and confirming, you then get to see sometimes you have this weird feeling, but it wasn't really your intuition.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was a fear, a trigger, an unhealed wound that was coming up.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_00: And some people follow that.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then they're like, Well, that didn't work out for me.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, well, then tap into that.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_00: What really was going on?
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go on a deeper level.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because intuitively it could be you knew something wasn't right, but you were so married to the story, so married to the idea that you went down a different path that from the data supports, oh, yeah, I should let that know.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_00: I just really wanted it to work, right?
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be business, relationships.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a lot of areas.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_02: It could intertwine in different aspects of your life.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_02: And what's really fascinating is that the same lesson continues to happen, whether it's a different phase, a different situation, until you finally get it.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because you stop the pattern at that point.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_00: You realize what's happening.
• 53:08
  SPEAKER_02: A disruption.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you make a choice to do different.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's beautiful.
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's beautiful when you get to witness that because it could be just as simple as saying no.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a pattern of always saying yes, yes, yes, okay, okay, okay, people pleasing or whatever, and then being able to be like, Oh, no, no, I'm not gonna be able to do that, and then not explaining yourself, right?
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because it can be in ways like you said no, but you kept explaining yourself.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you overexplained, maybe you gave an excuse that wasn't a real reason until you get to that point of just being like, you know, I'm sorry, I can't.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden things kind of free up for you.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's beautiful, it's painful.
• 53:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it's also really beautiful to know that we don't have to live in that space of suffering.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_00: And whether we have neurological differences that can sometimes impede our way forward, right?
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_00: Again, given the space and the society we live in, whether we have that or not, we still have the ability to say, I'm gonna choose different, I'm gonna choose to make a better life.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be hard from a very depressed state, that can be hard from an anxious space, right?
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_00: But you choose your heart.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can't remember who said that.
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_00: Someone's like, choose your heart, choose your heart.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'd have to like Google it, but there was someone I remembered, I don't know if it was on social media or an article or a book, but choose your heart.
• 54:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that impacted me because yeah, if we expect everything to be easy, we may never fully grow to what we're capable of growing into.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so these challenges, and again, life, even the areas that had trauma, brought me here.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't want to take that away because if I hadn't gone through all that, I don't know if I'd still be in this space.
• 54:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I would be doing what I'm doing.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I'd be able to relate and connect to so many people of such different backgrounds.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'll link born.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a beauty to it.
• 55:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_00: That was the first oh, that was the quote, by the way, with Becky.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_00: She had there's beauty in the breakdown.
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that was one of my favorite songs.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when I saw that, again, it's just you know, whether you call it, you know, signs from the universe, whatever you want to call it, it just felt like this.
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's something here.
• 55:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can't ignore this.
• 55:33
  SPEAKER_00: It led me here.
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm glad I I looked at her card and I took her seriously and took that feeling inside seriously.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like you just gotta see her.
• 55:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't know why, but you have to do it.
• 55:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I remember that's what you told me, and that's when I saw her.
• 55:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I just even think of different situations where there's like a fuck yes moment, like I'm gonna do it.
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_02: I know when it's some there's two emotions that come through me or intuitive feelings, like fuck yes, I need to do it.
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_02: Or the second is there is fear in it, but I know it would be good for me.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah like going back and doing EMDR therapy, for example.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't like fuck yes, I need to do it, but it was I need to do it, but I don't know.
• 56:13
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if I don't I want to go dig deep through my trauma and triggers and feel all that shit again.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I haven't even done that yet.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's something too going back a few questions, why having a professional work with you is so helpful.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is I was like, oh yeah, I'm gonna do EMDR now that I know I have okay, I have this, okay, let's do this.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember her telling me, Danielle, it's gonna take you a while, and I don't recommend doing EMDR first.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what?
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, Yeah, yeah.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, she talked about the science and everything, right?
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's some things very conclusive, but she said, you have to work on somatic first because it's still in my nervous system, it's still in my body.
• 56:52
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, it was mind-blowing because I could have potentially done something, a treatment, a you know, resource that I thought was going to be helpful that could have potentially set me back a bit because my body wasn't yet ready yet to receive, right?
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or to be in that space of you know, the rapid eye movement and and bringing stuff up and kind of going through it all over again.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm glad you brought that up because that's the thing, you know, a professional can tell you based on the science, hey, this tends to work really well with people in this space.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or, yes, that's right, you should try that.
• 57:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know what?
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_00: After six months of somatic work, see how you're feeling, try it out, right?
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_00: That way we're not putting ourselves in a situation of trying to rush the healing process or rush something that we're not really yet capable or ready to receive.
• 57:42
  SPEAKER_02: I want to validate that for you because the first time I was I went through a lot of therapists, I am a therapist slut because this girl needs a lot of work.
• 57:50
  SPEAKER_02: Not you, me.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but oh, I need help too.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's alright.
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_02: I think it was 2014.
• 57:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, 2014.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_02: I was fired two times.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_02: I was working in Montana.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_02: I was working with a therapist there.
• 58:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she was fired from the job or fired from a therapist?
• 58:06
  SPEAKER_02: I was fired.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, I not a therapist, but fired from two jobs.
• 58:10
  SPEAKER_02: And then I was living in Montana working on a campaign.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I was working with a therapist because I just like was just at my lowest point after being fired twice.
• 58:18
  SPEAKER_02: And then when you're working political campaigns, you're living in different states and you're with you don't know anyone.
• 58:23
  SPEAKER_00: Feels a little unstable in that sense that you never know what's happening next.
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like ends like in three, six months, a year.
• 58:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's a it's basically like a project until it's election day.
• 58:35
  SPEAKER_02: But, anyways, I was with my therapist, I was sharing everything that's going on, and she was like, Okay, let's try EMDR.
• 58:40
  SPEAKER_02: And we tried it for 15 minutes, and she's like, Oh, okay, you're not ready.
• 58:45
  SPEAKER_02: And like my Asian tooth was like, What are you saying about it?
• 58:49
  SPEAKER_02: What do I need to do to be ready?
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, No, you're not ready.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_02: And you know what?
• 58:53
  SPEAKER_02: I actually appreciated that.
• 58:54
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't like, okay, how are you gonna go from amateur to pro athlete?
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_02: It's just you're not ready.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_02: So I appreciated that.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_02: And then I remember about two years later, then I moved back to California and I I still had an ongoing, like, not like a consistent therapy patient relationship, but just a continuous one, like when I needed her every couple months.
• 59:16
  SPEAKER_02: And then I told her, hey, I'm feeling something in my chest when this happened.
• 59:20
  SPEAKER_02: And then she was like, You're ready.
• 59:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like, ready for what?
• 59:24
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I completely forgot about it.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, what are you talking about?
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_02: I was just so used to talk therapy.
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, No, you're ready to do EMG.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, what?
• 59:31
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, but you can't do it with me because I'm not licensed in California.
• 59:35
  SPEAKER_02: So go find someone.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_02: So, even to your point, what you said earlier is I found a therapist who was a woman of color.
• 59:44
  SPEAKER_02: And that made all the difference because I've worked with other therapists, and not that they weren't great, they were wonderful, but I don't have to explain certain things in terms of like cultural expectations, right?
• 59:56
  SPEAKER_00: There's already like an understanding that you kind of it's like going past a couple sessions, right?
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to explain the background or the basis.
• 1:00:05
  SPEAKER_02: No, and plus I'm paying a therapist for full hours.
• 1:00:08
  SPEAKER_02: So let's let's try to save the time and go deep into the show to hear.
• 1:00:12
  SPEAKER_00: I will say my therapist is amazing, and she's a white woman.
• 1:00:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm always so grateful for her because I'm half white, half Hispanic, right?
• 1:00:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the Hispanic side has some indigenous faiths, and so there is, even though it's not the exact makeup of myself, there is this person who is trauma informed, right?
• 1:00:31
  SPEAKER_00: Has experience with all these cultures, so it is, you know, finding what's your right fit.
• 1:00:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what do you need?
• 1:00:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like dating.
• 1:00:39
  SPEAKER_02: It is so when I meet people and they're like, I already tried therapy, it didn't work.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, you just didn't meet the right person.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_02: You didn't meet the right one, and then it's like saying, I'm never gonna find someone.
• 1:00:49
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it's you just haven't met the right person yet.
• 1:00:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 1:00:53
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I I went through a couple, and I think of the person I had when I was in my 20s, and I wasn't ready for yeah, I was gonna say, I was like, and I also think about the person I was before.
• 1:01:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, like I was complaining about like boy issues and you know that it was very surface level because I wasn't ready yet to go deeper.
• 1:01:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I remember that.
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's different as you evolve and who you want to see as a therapist, right?
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what knowing who calls me out?
• 1:01:24
  SPEAKER_00: She calls me out, but it's so helpful to be able to understand myself better and also how to relate differently, especially if you have a trauma, very traumatized background, whether it's PTSD, CPSC, or whatever it is, or even just being a child of an immigrant and hearing stories, right?
• 1:01:41
  SPEAKER_00: And seeing what they do to help get themselves ahead, being able to talk about that and help unlearn or see what are the things I can take from this that are great, one of the things that might be crippling you or might be, you know, really holding you back from something you really want to do.
• 1:01:58
  SPEAKER_00: Just amazing to have that extra person to bounce ideas off.
• 1:02:03
  SPEAKER_02: So for our listeners who haven't found the one, I'm talking about therapy.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_02: You could go to psychologytoday.com.
• 1:02:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_02: And then there are filters to look in specific states, or maybe you have specific challenges or issues that you want to work with.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like maybe you have ADHD.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you are going through gender identity stuff.
• 1:02:25
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely maybe you want to work with someone specifically within your religion or ethnicity, you could mark those to find the right fit.
• 1:02:31
  SPEAKER_02: And here's the thing: I want you to date as many therapists, they do a free complimentary call until you find the one, and you will know.
• 1:02:38
  SPEAKER_02: How I usually know is something happens and I just cry, like they get something out of my soul, and I just feel it.
• 1:02:46
  SPEAKER_00: And especially if we've been taught, like I was taught not to cry.
• 1:02:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it's interesting, like you said, being in therapy, and you start your eye, like, I'm sorry.
• 1:02:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like you don't have to apologize.
• 1:03:00
  SPEAKER_00: But again, it's that part of that I call it my programming, right?
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_00: Was my initial programming.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_00: But finding that person that gets you to open up or gets you to have that aha moment.
• 1:03:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you mentioned Becky.
• 1:03:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I have my therapist and I have my mentor, my spiritual mentor.
• 1:03:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and they both have their place, and I love them both.
• 1:03:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would, I could not imagine my life without either one.
• 1:03:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's something about the spirituality that not every therapist gets, right?
• 1:03:27
  SPEAKER_00: Not every therapist.
• 1:03:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that having someone, I mean, I'm blessed by therapists is actually very spiritual, so it works wonderfully for me.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to hide any part of who I am with her.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't have that, having that extra person to talk to you deeply about spiritual nature and just what's going on, it offers you hope.
• 1:03:47
  SPEAKER_00: It offers you like positivity and like a way out that you know you're gonna get through this.
• 1:03:54
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I know we are talking late at night.
• 1:03:57
  SPEAKER_02: It is 1022 p.m., neighbor.
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_02: Well, just a tad bit, you know.
• 1:04:02
  SPEAKER_02: But I loved this late night conversation.
• 1:04:07
  SPEAKER_02: We delved deep into everything from motherhood, mental health, marriage, multi-generational caregiving.
• 1:04:13
  SPEAKER_02: I am sure our listeners are in love with you.
• 1:04:16
  SPEAKER_00: So it's very kind.
• 1:04:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:04:20
  SPEAKER_02: Everybody, I just want you to see how she received that compliment.
• 1:04:24
  SPEAKER_02: I appreciate that.
• 1:04:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 1:04:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it's taken work, right?
• 1:04:28
  SPEAKER_00: It takes work to be able to like, you know what?
• 1:04:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thank you.
• 1:04:31
  SPEAKER_00: Take care, I'll receive it.
• 1:04:33
  SPEAKER_02: So, two things.
• 1:04:34
  SPEAKER_02: One is what is the takeaway that you would like our listeners to take from this episode?
• 1:04:40
  SPEAKER_02: That's one.
• 1:04:41
  SPEAKER_02: And second, uh if people want to connect with you, work with you, how can they do that?
• 1:04:46
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing is the takeaway, I would say, is allow yourself to be willing to grow and expand wherever you're at in your journey of life.
• 1:04:58
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you're single, married, partnered, divorced, widowed, whatever age range.
• 1:05:05
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to be able to meet yourself where you're at and keep going forward and find that village.
• 1:05:12
  SPEAKER_00: Find that village to help you in that journey.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because if not, it can be it can be suffering and it can be cumbersome and overwhelming, and no one has to go through life alone.
• 1:05:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, we can have moments of loneliness.
• 1:05:28
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean we're alone.
• 1:05:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's uh a quote that would be a takeaway.
• 1:05:33
  SPEAKER_00: As far as connecting with me, and you know this, I don't connecting with you and working with you.
• 1:05:38
  SPEAKER_02: Those two.
• 1:05:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I do have my website, which is divineradiantloving.com.
• 1:05:42
  SPEAKER_00: That just gives an insight of who I am and what I do.
• 1:05:46
  SPEAKER_00: The I would say Instagram, also divine radiantliving.com, or divine radiant living.
• 1:05:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I've kind of tempered myself.
• 1:05:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not on social media all the time.
• 1:05:55
  SPEAKER_00: I will post mainly stories and occasionally a post, but it gives you again an idea of.
• 1:06:00
  SPEAKER_00: Going in.
• 1:06:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can message me through there.
• 1:06:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can email me, Danielle at define radiate living.com.
• 1:06:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really it.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_00: I to the piece about social media, I just, you know, I used to like, oh, I gotta post, I gotta do this.
• 1:06:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got to a point of I live my life.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm being present with my family and the businesses, you know.
• 1:06:18
  SPEAKER_00: I have the real estate, I have, I manage I'm a fiduciary for someone as well.
• 1:06:23
  SPEAKER_00: I help them with their funds.
• 1:06:25
  SPEAKER_00: So that takes time.
• 1:06:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not gonna spend 40 hours on social media.
• 1:06:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna post when I feel it's aligned, share when I feel it's aligned, and then spend the rest of my time living.
• 1:06:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:06:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I hope all of you connect with Danielle.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_02: I will put all our contact information in the show notes.
• 1:06:43
  SPEAKER_02: And then Danielle, you I had the wonderful opportunity where you were a client of mine.
• 1:06:50
  SPEAKER_02: So for those listeners who are probably in the fence interested in working with me, what do you want to share with your experience and any results?
• 1:06:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I love because I got to see you like pre-pandemic and in pandemic and now post-pandemic.
• 1:07:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I love having seen your journey and your evolution because it's not just you as a person, but it's even you professionally and to know that when someone works with you, you're willing to learn more.
• 1:07:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're willing to not just be the person in that room on that day, but a year from now, you're gonna be a person who's grown from everyone else you've worked with.
• 1:07:25
  SPEAKER_00: And they they they need to be willing to put in the work with you.
• 1:07:29
  SPEAKER_00: That this is something you have to be really willing to do it, to listen, to receive the suggestions, take action.
• 1:07:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if something doesn't feel aligned, then come back to the space with you and be like, I didn't feel great.
• 1:07:43
  SPEAKER_00: Let's let's work through this.
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_00: What what else?
• 1:07:44
  SPEAKER_00: What else is there?
• 1:07:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because it is it was a very profound growth experience for me getting to work with you both in the group, you know, in person and then in the group setting.
• 1:07:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:07:56
  SPEAKER_02: And now we are neighbors.
• 1:07:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now we are neighbors.
• 1:07:59
  SPEAKER_00: And just see where you're still, you know.
• 1:08:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think I grew from having worked with you too.
• 1:08:04
  SPEAKER_00: I saw I was like, oh yeah, you know what?
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to do that, right?
• 1:08:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's that's not the path I want to go down.
• 1:08:09
  SPEAKER_02: Social media, you don't want to be on it all the time.
• 1:08:11
  SPEAKER_02: I just I love doing this podcast, for example.
• 1:08:14
  SPEAKER_02: I get to talk and I don't feel on the only energy I feel like I I need to maintain and manage is either myself, it's a solo episode, or like a speaker.
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_02: And then it goes out into the ethos of people listening to it, but I am not attached to the number of downloads because guess what?
• 1:08:33
  SPEAKER_02: Not everybody sees the numbers, it's just me and my team, and it doesn't matter.
• 1:08:37
  SPEAKER_00: And the people who are gonna listen to you are the people who are gonna work with you or may work with you, right?
• 1:08:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know, they're on the fence.
• 1:08:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they they have to be ready to be in that space to want to work with you and really do the work.
• 1:08:48
  SPEAKER_00: It can't just be uh, well, I think no, like you have to have that.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is a commitment, and by doing it, great things will happen.
• 1:08:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not ready for those great things to happen, if you're not ready to grow through some mistakes you might make in the process, and it's not a bit of work.
• 1:09:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I really appreciate you saying that because so often people think, I'm gonna hire someone, not just a coach, but a therapist.
• 1:09:12
  SPEAKER_02: They're gonna fix me, they're gonna tell me what to do.
• 1:09:14
  SPEAKER_02: But you have to be willing to do the work and not necessarily work in terms of action.
• 1:09:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but inside.
• 1:09:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, your mind's the reflection, the awareness, the hmm, like sure.
• 1:09:27
  SPEAKER_02: Let's say I give you advice to do post on social media every day, and you having the awareness of not that this happened, I'm just giving an example.
• 1:09:35
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, no, I understand.
• 1:09:36
  SPEAKER_02: Ealing, I don't want to post every day.
• 1:09:37
  SPEAKER_02: Like, okay, this is great.
• 1:09:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so glad you don't want to do it.
• 1:09:40
  SPEAKER_02: Mark that off as a no.
• 1:09:42
  SPEAKER_02: Danielle, I am very mindful that you have a mother, three kids, a husband.
• 1:09:47
  SPEAKER_02: More importantly, you are human, and this is probably your me time as we're recording this at almost 10:30 p.m.
• 1:09:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is great.
• 1:09:54
  SPEAKER_00: This feels me by the way.
• 1:09:55
  SPEAKER_00: I love this.
• 1:09:56
  SPEAKER_02: This is like honestly, I feel like because we had coffee, I think a month ago, this felt like a continuation of our coffee chat.
• 1:10:05
  SPEAKER_00: So good.
• 1:10:06
  SPEAKER_02: So if our listeners loved this and you want Danielle back on, like let me know what we should talk about next time.
• 1:10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we're neighbors.
• 1:10:15
  SPEAKER_00: We could be in the same room.
• 1:10:16
  SPEAKER_02: We could do this, yeah.
• 1:10:17
  SPEAKER_02: We could do it in the same room.
• 1:10:18
  SPEAKER_02: Correct.
• 1:10:18
  SPEAKER_00: We could have a little coffee talk and we could do this.
• 1:10:21
  SPEAKER_00: We could do some.
• 1:10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Although I don't care.
• 1:10:26
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I just made some loose sleeved tea.
• 1:10:28
  SPEAKER_02: I could bring it over.
• 1:10:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm secretly inviting myself in because I love her office.
• 1:10:33
  SPEAKER_02: Perfectly fine.
• 1:10:34
  SPEAKER_00: But this was really wonderful.
• 1:10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:10:39
  SPEAKER_02: What a wonderful episode.
• 1:10:42
  SPEAKER_02: Honestly, I was learning so much with Danielle how to communicate with my nieces, nephews, future kids when I act out.
• 1:10:51
  SPEAKER_02: Because we're human, we're gonna make mistakes.
• 1:10:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I learned how to communicate with my own siblings when it comes to the care of my parents, and how to simply ask a loved one who might be going through something in life, hey, what do you need from me?
• 1:11:06
  SPEAKER_02: And taking ego out the door when what they need is probably way different from what we need when we get triggered or we're going through something in life.
• 1:11:15
  SPEAKER_02: Remember, you can do it all once you realize you should not be doing it alone.
• 1:11:23
  SPEAKER_02: So, if you enjoyed this podcast episode, here are four things you can do if you feel called to do them.
• 1:11:32
  SPEAKER_02: One, if you can leave a five-star rating interview, that would mean a lot to me and my team.
• 1:11:39
  SPEAKER_02: We create this podcast for accessible education for women of color and allies.
• 1:11:43
  SPEAKER_02: Each episode takes about four hours to create.
• 1:11:46
  SPEAKER_02: It takes me one hour to prep, and another 30 minutes to one hour to record.
• 1:11:52
  SPEAKER_02: Then, my team spends another two hours to edit and market.
• 1:11:56
  SPEAKER_02: And number two, because I care about accessible education, share this with a friend who might be having a hard time caregiving in all the generations, whether it's their kids, their aging parents, or just doing it all.
• 1:12:12
  SPEAKER_02: Third, don't forget to hit that follow button.
• 1:12:17
  SPEAKER_02: When you hit the follow button, it lets the podcast platform know how important this podcast is to women of color and allies like you.
• 1:12:27
  SPEAKER_02: And number four, if you would like to create a more sustainable business or career so you can be more present with your aging parents, kids, partner, or present with yourself and you want to work with me and my team, then schedule an introductory legacy, business, and career audit call with me.
• 1:12:48
  SPEAKER_02: I only work with 24 clients at one time to ensure each client receives the results they deserve.
• 1:12:57
  SPEAKER_02: And you can schedule a complimentary legacy business and career audit call with me at ElaineLub.com forward slash call.
• 1:13:06
  SPEAKER_02: That's E L A I N E L O U dot com forward slash call.