Latest / Career Coaching with Fexingo: Professional Coaches, Career Counselors, and Guidance for Workers / How a Career Breakup Letter Can Clarify Your Next Move
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this exercise I've seen career coaches use that sounds almost too simple to work, but the people who try it swear by it. Luna: I'm intrigued. What is it? Lucas: It's called a career breakup letter. You write a letter to your current job — or your career track — breaking up with it. Listing everything that's not working, what you've outgrown, what frustrates you. Luna: Like a Dear John letter to your employer? Sounds cathartic, but what's the practical point? Lucas: The point is clarity. A client of mine — let's call her Sarah — was stuck in a senior marketing role. Good salary, decent title, but she dreaded Sunday nights. She'd done pros and cons lists, talked to a coach, even applied to a few jobs half-heartedly. Nothing clicked. Luna: Classic inertia scenario. Lucas: Right. So her coach had her write a breakup letter to her current role. Not to send — just to write. She spent an hour drafting three pages. And the first thing she realized was that her frustrations weren't about the company or her boss. They were about the nature of the work itself. Luna: That's interesting. So the letter surfaces patterns you might otherwise rationalize away. Lucas: Exactly. Sarah's letter had three parts. First, the grievance list: specific things she hated — endless status update meetings, managing stakeholders who changed direction weekly, the expectation to be 'on' for client calls at 7 p.m. Luna: I can already feel that secondhand exhaustion. Lucas: The second part was the manifesto: what she wanted instead. More deep work, fewer meetings, autonomy over her schedule, and work that felt intellectually challenging rather than politically draining. Luna: And the third part? Lucas: The action plan. She literally wrote: 'I'm leaving because I need X, Y, Z. Here's what I'm going to do about it.' She committed to updating her LinkedIn, reaching out to three people in a field that matched her manifesto, and setting a deadline to apply for five roles. Luna: Did she follow through? Lucas: She did. Within six weeks, she had an offer for a product marketing role at a SaaS company — fewer meetings, more ownership, and a culture that valued deep work. She told me the letter was the turning point because it forced her to be brutally specific. Luna: I love that. And honestly, if today's episode helps you think through your own career move or decision, it might be worth a coffee to you. That's the link — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure, just if it lands. Lucas: Yeah, listener support is what keeps this show ad-free. So if it made a difference, that's where you can say thanks. Anyway — back to the breakup letter. What I find fascinating is that the exercise works because it bypasses the rational brain that usually justifies staying put. Luna: How so? Lucas: When you write a pros and cons list, you tend to weight the tangible pros — salary, title, benefits — more heavily than the emotional cons. But a breakup letter is inherently emotional. It taps into the part of you that knows something is off but hasn't articulated it. Luna: There's research on that, right? That negative emotions are more powerful in decision-making than positive ones? Lucas: Yeah, there's a concept called 'loss aversion' — we feel the pain of a loss about twice as strongly as the pleasure of a gain. A breakup letter makes you confront the loss of your own time and energy, which can override the fear of leaving. Luna: Right. So it's not about venting — it's about using that emotional data to inform a rational plan. Lucas: Exactly. And the most powerful version I've seen includes a third element: a 'what I'm saying yes to' section. Because every career move is a trade-off. You're not just leaving something — you're choosing something else. Luna: I actually did a version of this after a toxic team experience years ago. I didn't call it a breakup letter, but I wrote down everything I would not tolerate in my next job. It was like a non-negotiable list. Lucas: And how did that turn out? Luna: It kept me from accepting a counteroffer that would have been more money but the same environment. I ended up taking a pay cut for a role that respected boundaries. Best decision I made. Lucas: That's the thing — a breakup letter helps you see the hidden costs of staying. Sometimes the biggest cost is your own stagnation. Luna: So for someone listening who's on the fence — how do they actually write this? Any structure you recommend? Lucas: Sure. Three sections. First, the grievance list: be specific. Not 'my boss is annoying' but 'I spend 15 hours a week in meetings that could be emails.' Second, the manifesto: describe your ideal work day — what does it look like, feel like, who's around you? Luna: And third? Lucas: The action plan: concrete steps with deadlines. 'By next Friday, I will update my resume. By end of month, I will apply to three roles that match my manifesto.' The deadline is crucial — otherwise it's just a fantasy. Luna: Should they actually send it to anyone? Lucas: Usually no. It's for you. But I've seen cases where people send an anonymized version to a trusted mentor or coach for feedback. The act of sharing it makes you accountable. Luna: What about sending it to your current boss as a resignation letter? Is that too raw? Lucas: Tempting, but I'd advise against it. The grievance list is too emotionally charged. A resignation letter should be professional and forward-looking. The breakup letter is your private tool for clarity. Luna: Makes sense. So the real power is in the writing process itself. Lucas: Exactly. And I'd say do it in one sitting if you can. Don't edit as you go. Let it flow. You'll surprise yourself with what comes out. Luna: I think a lot of people know they're unhappy but can't pinpoint why. This forces the pinpoint. Lucas: Right. And once you've pinpointed it, the path forward becomes much clearer. Sarah told me that after writing her letter, she realized she didn't hate marketing — she hated the version of marketing that required constant client management. Luna: That's a huge insight. It reframes the problem from 'I need a new career' to 'I need a different role within my field.' Lucas: Exactly. And that's a much smaller leap. So if you're listening and you've been feeling that Sunday night dread for months, try it. Grab a notebook, set a timer for 20 minutes, and write a breakup letter to your current job. Luna: I might actually do that myself — even though I love my job now, it could be a good annual check-in. Lucas: That's a great idea. A career breakup letter as an annual ritual. Every year on your work anniversary, write one. See how your priorities have shifted. Luna: Alright, I'm in. And for our listeners — if you try it, let us know how it goes. We'd love to hear your stories. Lucas: That's it for this episode of Career Coaching with Fexingo. Next time, we'll talk about another tool that sounds weird but works — the career obituary.