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How can I address issues directly? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: From time to time it's normal that when dynamics change issues will come up in friendships.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: We're all trying to navigate life together.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a friend can say something that's hurt you, or you might feel like you're always the one making the effort and it's disproportionate.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's been a misunderstanding, or you simply started feeling distant from someone that you used to feel close to.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: When this happens, often our first instinct to avoid conflict can be to avoid the conversation.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: We might tell ourselves stuff internally like it's not worth it or they shouldn't know what they did.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we withdraw, become cold, or complain about the situation to other people instead, and that is not necessarily a reflection of your core values.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: That is an indicator that you are given beyond capacity.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Avoiding the issue, in fact, doesn't usually make the feelings disappear.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, repressed feelings can build up and come out in adverse ways.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So, in order to address those more directly and healthily, here are a few tips, a few pointers that might be helpful.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: First, pause before you react.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you're angry or hurt, give yourself some time to understand what you're actually feeling.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we can just react in urgency, but actually, when we react in urgency, we're not always thinking pragmatically and what's in line with our best interest.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, this could be, for example, asking yourself, what happened, how did it affect me, and what do I want to happen now?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: That little pause can make the difference between having a productive conversation and saying something that you might regret.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, talk to the person rather than talking about them.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: We can all have the temptation to vent, and sometimes in a neutral space, that is not a bad thing, but when it's within the dynamics of other friendships, that can have adverse effects and result in feelings of betrayal.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: If something's bothering you, try speaking directly to your friends.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to make it a dramatic confrontation.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can simply say, Can I talk to you about something that's bothering me?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then focus on your experience rather than attacking their character.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, you never care about me, you might say, When that happened, I felt left out, and I wanted to tell you rather than to keep it to myself because I value the friendship and I want to find a way through it.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: That keeps a conversation about the problem rather than turning it into a battle over who is the better person.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Thirdly, we've discussed this before in other episodes, but it is about listening as well as speaking.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy communication isn't just about getting your feelings hurt.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Your friend might have experienced the situation completely differently.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps they didn't realise that they'd hurt you.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that isn't to say that you're not allowed to be upset about that, it's just about depersonalising it a little bit so we can address it as we need to.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to always agree with everything each other says.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: We simply just need to be willing to understand.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, we're going to revisit the topic of setting healthy boundaries.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a conversation can repair a friendship, sometimes it reveals that the friendship needs to change, and occasionally it just might not show you that the relationship is no longer healthy for you both.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to say, This isn't working for me, and step back when necessary.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Good friendships aren't friendships without problems, but they are friendships in which you both feel comfortable and safe enough to talk about the problems, and these tips are a space and a set of techniques to be able to work towards that.