Latest / Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators / How to Help Your ADHD Child Actually Get Their Homework Done Without the Nightly Battles: Strategies for K–12 Success

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How to Help Your ADHD Child Actually Get Their Homework Done Without the Nightly Battles: Strategies for K–12 Success · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

0:00
Apryl: I'm sure you know this scene.
0:01
Apryl: You're trying to clean up dinner.
0:03
Apryl: The plates are still on the table.
0:04
Apryl: Your child's supposed to be doing their homework.
0:07
Apryl: And you've been telling them for the fifth time, focus, get it done, keep working, keep going.
0:13
Apryl: And your child's on the verge of tears and they're yelling, I am focusing.
0:18
Apryl: And somehow everyone's blood is about to boil, and you can feel the pressure in the room like a pressure cooker about to explode.
0:28
Apryl: If you have experienced homework troubles with your ADHD kiddo, this episode is for you.
0:34
Apryl: We're going to be sharing strategies from elementary to high school, different strategies for every age level, and they're going, they're science-backed and it's going to save your sanity.
0:46
Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
0:52
Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
0:58
Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
1:04
Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
1:12
Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
1:21
Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
1:26
Apryl: Hey there, welcome back to Raising ADHD.
1:29
Apryl: If you're new here, welcome.
1:30
Apryl: We're so happy you're here.
1:31
Apryl: And if you are returning, welcome, welcome.
1:35
Apryl: We're so happy you're here, friend.
1:36
Apryl: My name is April Bradford, former teacher, mom and wife to ADHDers.
1:42
Apryl: And here with me is my husband, Dr.
1:44
Apryl: Brian Bradford.
1:45
Apryl: Hey, Brian.
1:46
Brian: Hey.
1:47
Apryl: What are we talking about today, Brian?
1:49
Brian: ADHD.
1:49
Brian: Same thing we talk about every week.
1:53
Apryl: What are we going to talk about specifically this week?
1:55
Brian: Homework.
1:56
Apryl: Homework.
1:56
Apryl: Okay.
1:57
Apryl: So I'm sure that you have had the homework struggles, as we all do with our ADHD kiddos.
2:05
Apryl: So if that sounded familiar to you, the dinner time, all the things, welcome.
2:11
Apryl: You are in the right place.
2:12
Apryl: Homework for kids with ADHD is the perfect storm of executive function overload.
2:20
Apryl: And you probably didn't realize all of this, what we're going to talk about.
2:24
Apryl: So stay tuned because it's going to be eye-opening to be like, holy smokes, I did not realize how much executive function overload is happening when we're trying to do homework.
2:35
Apryl: We're going to dive into all the strategies today.
2:38
Apryl: Let's dive in with what's actually happening here.
2:41
Apryl: It's not just your child struggling to focus or they're bored and don't want to do their homework.
2:47
Apryl: There's a lot that goes behind this.
2:49
Apryl: So let's talk about why something as simple as a worksheet causes meltdowns, avoidance, and tears.
2:56
Apryl: So, Brian, can you tell us what's happening and why this happens like every single night?
3:04
Brian: Sure.
3:04
Brian: So one thing with homework is it requires almost every executive function skill.
3:10
Brian: Uh, you've got to plan it out, you've got to organize, you've got to actually start the task.
3:15
Brian: You're fighting uh the outside stimuli, you've got to maintain focus the entire time, you've got to manage frustration.
3:25
Brian: Uh this is also at a time when there's a lot of other things like video games or family in the house and outside stimuli that's so exciting that homework sounds terrible.
3:38
Apryl: When your kid says, I can't, there it doesn't necessarily mean that they can't do, you know, like the math problem that's sitting in front of them.
3:47
Apryl: Their brain is literally struggling to start because there's so much.
3:52
Apryl: I never realize like all of the things because those of us without ADHD who don't struggle with the executive function of, you know, getting started, getting organized, planning out, okay, I'm gonna do this stuff first.
4:06
Apryl: Like it just doesn't really occur in my brain.
4:10
Apryl: It's like, well, yeah, just get it done and then you're done, right?
4:13
Apryl: But their brain is literally struggling with all of this stuff.
4:17
Apryl: So it's not defiance when your kid's like, I can't do it, and it may not even be a deficit of skills, it's literally depletion.
4:27
Apryl: Like they are so depleted after the day.
4:30
Brian: Right.
4:30
Brian: And if you compare like your day to a marathon, they went to school, they had dozens of body doubles, they had a teacher there, they have everything's all lined up, they know exactly when their break's gonna be.
4:43
Brian: I mean, this is like running the marathon downhill, and then all of a sudden, at the end of the day, you're completely toasted, you've lost all your body doubles, there's tons of stimuli, and here's more homework.
4:54
Brian: I mean, this is this is like, oh, we're we're doing mile 25 up a hill.
5:00
Apryl: Yes.
5:00
Apryl: And so this is also why yelling, just get it done, just do it.
5:07
Apryl: Like that's one of my um thoughts.
5:11
Apryl: And our daughter's in third grade, so her homework isn't she doesn't have like a big load of homework.
5:17
Apryl: Um but my thought is just do it and then it's done.
5:22
Brian: Yeah, it seems so easy to say.
5:24
Apryl: Yes.
5:24
Apryl: So the goal here isn't to push harder, it's to build scaffolds for our kids that externalize those executive functions until our kids can internalize them themselves.
5:38
Brian: Right.
5:38
Brian: And that that can take years, if not decades, to fully internalize those.
5:42
Apryl: Yeah.
5:43
Apryl: But if we don't as parents start helping build those scaffolds, it's gonna be even harder and even longer to the struggle.
5:52
Apryl: Yeah.
5:53
Apryl: So that's what we're gonna talk about today is how do we build those scaffolds and what does that look like at each age level?
6:02
Apryl: Um, so that homework isn't such a battle for you and your kids.
6:08
Apryl: So we're gonna start elementary, then we're gonna go to middle junior high, and then we're gonna bump into high school.
6:13
Apryl: Okay.
6:14
Apryl: So picture this: your second grader comes home, they dump their backpack on the floor, and suddenly homework to both of you feels like a four-letter word.
6:24
Apryl: For the younger crowd, success starts with routine.
6:28
Apryl: So as soon as they, you know, walk in the door from school, we're gonna start a routine.
6:34
Apryl: And what does that look like?
6:36
Brian: Right.
6:36
Brian: And I mean, the research here is pretty clear.
6:39
Brian: It's it's all about predictability.
6:41
Brian: And I'm sure you've seen this with your own children.
6:43
Brian: When you surprise them, it things go south fast.
6:46
Brian: And so once you can structure out this homework routine, it's every day, it's the same time, it's the same place, it's the same steps.
6:54
Brian: And hopefully your homework will be roughly the same amount of time and they'll anticipate ahead of time.
7:01
Brian: Like, okay, Monday is reading, Tuesday is I have to read, but then I also have my spelling words.
7:06
Brian: And that predictability can make it so that when it does happen, it's much less distressful.
7:13
Apryl: Yeah.
7:14
Apryl: And we talked about in a previous episode um the after school meltdowns and the emotional overload and having that like downtime.
7:22
Apryl: So homework doesn't have to start right when you know the kid gets in with school.
7:28
Apryl: I know um when our son was younger, some of his friends, it was like, oh, they can't play until their homework's done.
7:35
Apryl: Well, for our ADHD kiddos, it is probably actually better for them to go play and get some of that energy out before starting homework.
7:45
Brian: Right, right.
7:46
Brian: And kind of, I mean, not to go back to the exercise thing, but a little bit the same.
7:50
Brian: If you exercise every day, it's that much easier.
7:53
Brian: And if you exercise at the same time every day, it's that much easier.
7:56
Brian: And if they know that it's coming, it's also that much easier.
8:00
Brian: If at mile marker 26.2, they were like, psych, where you actually have one more mile, it'd be totally distressing.
8:08
unknown: Yeah.
8:08
Brian: So when you surprise your child with homework, that's the same.
8:10
Apryl: Yeah.
8:11
Apryl: So if they just know, you know, like after dinner, and it especially for our younger elementary kids, they're not watching the clock like, oh, dinner's at six o'clock and homework's homework's at six thirty.
8:22
Apryl: They just know, okay, after dinner we do homework.
8:26
Apryl: Or after tennis practice, we do homework.
8:30
Apryl: Then it's just that routine for them.
8:32
Apryl: So it doesn't necessarily have to be like at 6 30 this happens.
8:39
Apryl: It can be, but your kids not watching the time.
8:41
Apryl: They just know after dinner I do this.
8:43
Brian: No, somebody else needs to be a clogged for them.
8:45
Apryl: Yeah, for sure.
8:46
Apryl: So for our elementary kids, step one is to pick a consistent start queue.
8:52
Apryl: So maybe it is after snack, maybe it's after dinner, maybe it's after, you know, outdoor play.
8:58
Apryl: And then we want to chunk their homework.
9:03
Apryl: That's gonna be step two.
9:04
Apryl: Step one is start with a cue.
9:05
Apryl: Step two is use chunking.
9:08
Apryl: So that can be like 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off, and then use those visual timers.
9:13
Apryl: I love the time timer, it's like an actual visual timer.
9:17
Apryl: They're on Amazon.
9:19
Apryl: I mean, time timer is the brand name, but there's a million and one on Amazon that you can get.
9:24
Apryl: And it's literally like a color visual, you know, turn timer that they're awesome that your kid can watch the time.
9:31
Brian: Right.
9:31
Brian: This chunking's gonna be a lifelong skill, also.
9:34
Brian: This is also in med school, people were constantly doing this, not not necessarily 10 and 2, but you've got a 50-minute study session and then you've got 10 minutes mandatory to leave your study area.
9:46
Apryl: Yeah.
9:47
Apryl: Another thing with chunking, um, that I would say as well, is not just chunking time, but sometimes when you look, I mean, and we do this as adults too, when we look at a whole project, you know, like say you're gonna declutter your whole house, like that's overwhelming, but it's like, okay, I'm gonna declutter this one cupboard, that's easy.
10:10
Apryl: Same thing with your kids' homework.
10:12
Apryl: If they have a math sheet, get some sticky notes, cover up the the homework, cover up like all the rows of homework except like two math problems, and that's gonna be a lot easier for them to be like, oh, I can do two math problems.
10:27
Apryl: Like, that's easy, instead of looking at that whole blank sheet.
10:31
Apryl: For your sanity, stay in the room, be present with them.
10:37
Apryl: This is what ADHD coaches call body doubling.
10:41
Apryl: You need to be with them.
10:42
Apryl: You do not have to be doing the homework with them or even like really helping them with it.
10:49
Apryl: I mean, unless they need help, but be there with them.
10:52
Apryl: Just being present helps anchor their focus.
10:55
Apryl: So body double.
10:56
Apryl: You don't need to help, you just need to be there.
10:59
Apryl: So, literally, a really great place that you can be, like have them sitting up to your snack bar, you're doing the dishes after dinner, and they're working on homework.
11:08
Apryl: That can be a body double.
11:09
Brian: Right.
11:09
Brian: And it's gonna be a lifelong skill that they're gonna continue to implement when when you have like an ADHD adult, you never put them alone in the corner office.
11:18
Brian: You never put them like, oh, I'm gonna go study in the far corner of the library where it's dead silent.
11:23
Brian: It's okay to have silence, but you need to be in the Starbucks or you need to be in the room where there's a couple other people studying to keep that body doubling going.
11:34
Apryl: This helps to sustain the attention and decreases emotional dysregulation too.
11:39
Apryl: So there's a lot of benefits to that body doubling, just having a person there.
11:45
Apryl: We literally did this tonight at our house.
11:48
Apryl: Our daughter, she had made a four upstairs, and I said, Hey Brian, can you just go sit upstairs with her while she cleans up?
11:54
Apryl: Just so she can have someone there.
11:57
Apryl: Like they just need that anchor.
12:00
Apryl: So remember, another thing to do with our elementary kiddos is reward progress, not perfection.
12:07
Apryl: So, you know, like even if they didn't get the math problems right, like, hey, you've got three math problems done, way to go, and keep that going.
12:16
Apryl: Um, you know, and then if they're if you can see they're not understanding the concept, then yes, try to help teach, but rewarding progress is gonna get you way farther.
12:30
Apryl: So um, and teacher side note here, and not all teachers are the same, definitely not all teachers are the same, and not all teachers understand.
12:39
Apryl: But one thing for sure is starting is worth more than an argument about finishing.
12:47
Apryl: So if you can get your kid to start their homework, get some of it done, and you know, like write to the teacher, say, hey, we got this much done.
12:54
Apryl: This is all we could handle for the night, and you know, like just explain to them the more communication you can have with the teacher, the better.
13:03
Apryl: And one thing that is the most important with any of our age levels is the most important thing with your child, it's not homework, it's not straight A's, it's not that they're the top of the class, it's your relationship with your child.
13:20
Apryl: So if fighting with them every single night to get homework done is destroying your relationship, stop and remember what is the most important thing.
13:29
Apryl: And the most important thing is that relationship.
13:32
Apryl: Because guess what?
13:33
Apryl: In five years, ten years, that one math assignment is not gonna be the end all be all of their life.
13:42
Apryl: So, with that said, that is for elementary, middle, high school.
13:46
Apryl: Every single one of our kiddos, the most important thing is that we keep our relationship with our kids the top priority.
13:56
Apryl: And I mean, yes, we do need to push our kids sometimes, but keep that relationship.
14:01
Apryl: And when you are having those power struggles and you know, just everything's melting down, just stop, take a breath, and what is the most important today?
14:11
Apryl: Is it that they get this homework done, or is it that I stop and repair a relationship?
14:18
Apryl: So, with that said, if we're gonna dive into well, let's let's recap really quick.
14:22
Apryl: Step number one is going to be pick that consistent start cue.
14:28
Apryl: So whether that's dinner or snack after playing outside with friends.
14:32
Apryl: Number two, chunking, set time, like 10 minutes on, two minutes off, and do what works you can test and see.
14:39
Apryl: Maybe they can work longer, or maybe they have shorter bursts that they can work, and then also covering up their homework so it's literally chunked into pieces.
14:48
Apryl: Like you're gonna get this done, and then you can have a break.
14:50
Apryl: Get these done, you can have a break.
14:52
Apryl: And then number three, body double with them.
14:56
Apryl: Okay, so with our middle school kids, it is the great unraveling of everything, as we all know.
15:04
Apryl: Middle school sucks.
15:06
Apryl: Suddenly, there's six teachers, there's online portals.
15:10
Apryl: You're supposed to be keeping up with online portals and all the things.
15:13
Apryl: There's project and hormones and all the things.
15:16
Apryl: So, Brian, what do you suggest for these middle schoolers?
15:21
Brian: So, this is the time that you need to start teaching the organizational systems.
15:26
Brian: Uh, there's a program that's called Hops.
15:28
Brian: It's homework, organization, and planning skills that's been tested in the ADHD middle schoolers.
15:35
Brian: And this focuses on binders and planners and check-ins and really getting like the structure down.
15:42
Brian: Uh, and this hops program, it's it's pretty simple, it's proven effective.
15:47
Apryl: And one thing with the hops program, and so you have the organization, right?
15:53
Apryl: One thing that I suggest is with each class that you color code, color code things.
16:00
Apryl: I actually have a post on about um like success skills for our middle schoolers on Instagram.
16:09
Apryl: So go follow us there, raising ADHD underscore org, because we share tips there.
16:14
Apryl: But color coding for the different classes.
16:18
Apryl: So, you know, red binder is math, blue binder is writing.
16:22
Apryl: I used to do this in my classroom too, because my kids like I'd be like, okay, everyone pull out your yellow notebook.
16:27
Apryl: And they knew like yellow was math or whatever we had named it, or you know, for the year.
16:32
Apryl: Um, but then also having organization, like helping your kids organize their locker, if they have lockers at the beginning of the year, like going in at that first, you know, open house or whatever and creating spaces, different spaces for your kids will be very helpful too.
16:51
Apryl: So here's another big faux pas when it comes to our middle school and junior high kids, because guess what?
17:00
Apryl: I have taught these kids, and I know this to be true.
17:03
Apryl: Don't assume that they know how to plan.
17:05
Apryl: Because here's the secret they don't.
17:08
Apryl: These kids don't know how to plan.
17:10
Apryl: We give them our school every single year would buy planners for all the kids.
17:14
Apryl: And there are some kids who are actually really good planners and know how to use other things.
17:18
Apryl: Most kids don't, and they write it down because they're told to.
17:21
Brian: And most kids who do know don't have ADHD.
17:25
Apryl: Yes, very true.
17:26
Brian: Those skills don't flow together.
17:27
Apryl: Exactly.
17:28
Apryl: So, one thing you can do with your kids, your middle schoolers and junior high kids is sit down once a week for a Sunday reset.
17:37
Apryl: I personally love to do this.
17:38
Apryl: I actually do it Monday morning after I drop my daughter off at school.
17:42
Apryl: I go through and I do a whole brain dump of everything that I know is coming up for the week.
17:48
Apryl: And so this would be the same for them.
17:50
Apryl: Looking at, you know, your schedules, looking at their planner, if they've written in their planner, um, and planning out, okay, this is what you have due.
18:00
Apryl: This is what's coming up.
18:02
Apryl: Let's make a plan for this week and what your what homework looks like this week and um when you're gonna work on it, especially because this age of kids tend to get busier with their extracurricular activities.
18:14
Apryl: So you're gonna look at what's due and then help break it into chunks instead of, oh gosh, you have a report due, which we know we've all been there where it's like, oh, the report due is in three weeks.
18:28
Apryl: I'll be just fine.
18:29
Apryl: And then, you know, the night before we're all working on it.
18:33
Apryl: No, teach them these skills now and put reminders in their phone on Sunday night.
18:38
Apryl: Put reminders in their phone together.
18:41
Apryl: So you're teaching them these life skills of planning.
18:45
Brian: Right.
18:46
Brian: And these teenagers, they're in the that rebellious stage.
18:50
Brian: They're the I'm really cool and I know everything, and my parents don't know much.
18:55
Apryl: Nothing.
18:55
Apryl: We know nothing.
18:57
Brian: And so this is where you do a scaffold and then a fade.
19:02
Brian: So you're basically starting as the executive functioning training wheels and you're getting them started.
19:07
Brian: On Sunday, you're putting in the dreamers, you're helping them break it down, and then you're backing off and giving them the responsibility.
19:13
Brian: And that way, if they're not meeting it, it's like, okay, what's going on and how can I help you then?
19:18
Brian: But if you're holding their hand the entire time, it's gonna be them fighting you the entire time.
19:23
Brian: And the data shows that parental involvement with clear structure, uh, one where you're not hovering, but you're merely guiding them, is the thing that most improves the school performance in ADHD kids.
19:36
Apryl: Yes.
19:36
Apryl: We know that that age of kids are literally gonna be so angry at you if you're hovering and being that parent, like, did you get your homework done?
19:45
Apryl: Hey, what are you doing?
19:46
Apryl: Get your homework done.
19:47
Apryl: Why are you looking at your phone?
19:49
Apryl: No, they're they're it's just gonna fall apart if you do that.
19:52
Apryl: It's gonna be a fight, yep.
19:54
Apryl: So literally just that Sunday uh planning system, that plot that Sunday reset is gonna be super helpful for these kids.
20:04
Apryl: So here's your mantra for these kids.
20:06
Apryl: Don't nag guide.
20:09
Apryl: Don't nag guide.
20:11
Apryl: Help them learn the process, not just complete the product.
20:16
Apryl: That's the key here is helping them learn that process.
20:20
Apryl: Sunday night reset is gonna be your key to helping these kids succeed.
20:25
Apryl: So now we know with our middle schoolers, we're going to help them create those organization systems.
20:34
Apryl: Pretty much it's binders, planners, and check-ins.
20:36
Apryl: And so you can have a check-in, you know, midweek, like, hey, how's your plan going?
20:40
Apryl: That would be super helpful with them too.
20:43
Apryl: Um, you're gonna have your Sunday reset, and then you're going to guide, not nag.
20:51
Apryl: Don't nag, guide, don't nag, guide.
20:53
Apryl: That's where you're gonna keep helping telling yourself because you're helping them learn this process.
20:57
Apryl: Okay.
20:58
Apryl: So now we're gonna dive into high school, which high school is gonna be our independence group.
21:05
Apryl: I mean, they're old enough to be independent, but they have to still be accountable to you.
21:11
Apryl: So, what does that look like?
21:12
Apryl: By time they get to high school, you we know that they've got deadlines, they've got all of the social things going on, and which is a lot of distraction for them.
21:23
Apryl: They can drive, they start to drive in high school, all of the things.
21:28
Apryl: And also they've got their devices now.
21:31
Apryl: Most kids have some sort of smartphone by this age, and so there's a lot for them to juggle.
21:39
Apryl: And the key word for these kids is autonomy.
21:44
Apryl: That's what they're looking for, and that's what they want.
21:48
Brian: Right, exactly, April.
21:49
Brian: So the research shows the older teens benefit from self-management tools.
21:54
Brian: These are the things like the planners, the digital calendars, uh, even including like the accountability partners and body doubling could even be thrown under that.
22:05
Apryl: Body doubling actually can be really good, like when you're like, hey, you have a friend over and it's like, hey, we're gonna do our math together.
22:11
Apryl: I used to do that with friends all the time.
22:12
Apryl: We'd be like, hey, let's hang out and do our math together, and then we'd go do something too.
22:17
Brian: Right.
22:17
Brian: It can it can definitely lead to like quicker, quicker getting your homework done as long as you're actually doing homework.
22:23
Apryl: Yeah.
22:25
Brian: So they still need oversight though.
22:27
Brian: So this is not the bring your homework and I'm gonna check it, Sans, but more like check your progress.
22:32
Brian: Like, hey, are you getting everything done?
22:34
Brian: What what do you need help with?
22:37
Apryl: Like exactly.
22:38
Apryl: This is you are now, it's such an interesting phase of life too, because you're preparing them to go out on their own, right?
22:46
Apryl: But you are now like their coach, you're not their referee, like, no, stop.
22:52
Apryl: You've got to come do your homework.
22:53
Apryl: You're their coach.
22:54
Apryl: Where you are on the sidelines, you've taught them the plays in elementary school, middle school.
23:02
Apryl: We've built those scaffolds, right?
23:03
Apryl: You've taught them their plays, and now it's time for them to run their plays.
23:07
Apryl: And you can remind them and help them, but you're not there, you know, in it with them.
23:16
Brian: So it's getting more and more high level where you're you're calling the plays beforehand, and then once the go buttons hit, I mean, the timer's running and it's on them.
23:23
Apryl: So you can meet once a week and review what worked, what didn't, and what's due next, and let them lead the conversation.
23:32
Apryl: So again, with you've started this in middle school with them with that Sunday reset, same thing.
23:39
Apryl: Once a week, you're checking in.
23:41
Apryl: Hey, you know, how'd your REEK go this week?
23:44
Apryl: What worked this week?
23:46
Apryl: What were your successes?
23:47
Apryl: What didn't go as well as you'd hoped?
23:49
Apryl: Okay, what's due next?
23:51
Apryl: And literally that's all it is.
23:53
Apryl: You're not helping them this time write their planner and add things to their calendars.
23:58
Apryl: They know how to do it now.
24:00
Apryl: And that's where this scaffolding is so beneficial.
24:04
Apryl: And hopefully you can see this progression of how it's going to help your kids.
24:09
Brian: Right.
24:09
Brian: And this is one of those where you need to start breaking down what kind of projects are actually happening.
24:15
Brian: And some of these like really quick things your kid can do on their own and can stay up, and really you're just checking to make sure they're not getting five, 10 assignments behind.
24:24
Brian: But with the long-term projects at ADHD, this is where the time management is just it's just toxic when you have ADHD.
24:31
Brian: So this is you need to find out when the long-term projects are due and help them set like some dates and also break this down so that it's like, hey, this week, let's figure out the research for your long-term project.
24:44
Brian: Next week, let's come up with the outline.
24:47
Brian: Next week, let's see if we can get a draft completely written.
24:50
Brian: And you're gonna be going in these phases so that you don't have the last minute panic.
24:55
Brian: And this is almost where you need to to do the the executive function part for them so that they can get the work done themselves.
25:03
Apryl: Yeah, and this again is a life skill.
25:06
Brian: Kind of going back on this and and more personal experience.
25:09
Brian: It was extremely easy through high school to stay up on math assignments.
25:14
Brian: It was like, oh, I've I've got one due today.
25:16
Brian: Let me just do it real quick in the parking lot, five minutes, turn it in, whatever happens, happens.
25:20
Brian: Uh, and then as soon as I got to some of these longer term things like uh read the book and do a book report, I mean, these were like these were toxic.
25:29
Brian: And my grades reflected that.
25:31
Brian: It was short assignment classes, A's all the way, long assignment classes, just it didn't matter that the the total amount of work was the same or how good I was at at the assignment.
25:43
Brian: It was how good I was at balancing the time associated with these assignments.
25:47
Apryl: Yeah.
25:47
Brian: And then the same thing happened in college where it was then I was stressing and putting in long hours like two days beforehand.
25:54
Apryl: Night before.
25:55
Brian: The night before and and pulling on lighters on some of these long life, these long projects, and my grades suffered because of a hundred percent.
26:04
Apryl: And I feel like a lot of teenagers and college kids, we all kind of did that.
26:10
Apryl: You know, it's like, oh, the night before I've got a crown.
26:13
Apryl: But also those of us without a ADHD had been doing most of it.
26:19
Apryl: It was just like, oh, I've got to finish writing my paper.
26:22
Apryl: It wasn't like, well, crap, I haven't even done the research yet and I was starting tonight, right?
26:28
Brian: Right.
26:28
Brian: And the the ADHD kids and their time management, I mean, is is terrible, but this is kind of where you need to go and just say I'm a couple years behind.
26:37
Brian: Would I would I give this level of assignment to an eighth grader?
26:41
Brian: And if you wouldn't, your 11th grader is going to struggle with that.
26:44
Apryl: Yeah.
26:45
Apryl: Yeah, that's an yeah, that's a good point.
26:47
Apryl: So that's one thing to always remember with our kids with ADHD, is they're usually about, I don't know when it catches up, but they're usually about two years behind their peers as far as executive functioning goes.
27:00
Brian: Right.
27:00
Brian: And for things like a quick math assignment, it's almost a non-issue for things with the you know the science fair, it's toxic.
27:11
Apryl: These scaffolding skills, though, are going to turn into life skills for them if you can start helping them implement these things.
27:18
Apryl: Because just like Brian said, in college, it gets harder.
27:21
Apryl: There's not daily assignments in college anymore.
27:24
Apryl: It's literally you have your midterm and your semester paper.
27:28
Apryl: And so it's like if you're not planning for that, like you're not gonna do well.
27:33
Apryl: Um, so teaching these, and then you know, think about the careers too.
27:38
Apryl: Usually in a job, you have some sort of project that you're working on, big projects, that it's like you have to break it down into phases to be able to get it all done.
27:48
Apryl: So these are skills, lifelong skills that are gonna help your kids throughout their lifetime.
27:56
Brian: Right.
27:56
Brian: And one thing to remember is your kids aren't necessarily lacking IQ or the ability to do some of these things.
28:02
Brian: I mean, some of the ADHD kids are the brightest kids.
28:05
Brian: They're they're lacking the ability to get the executive function and the time management to get these done.
28:12
Brian: And so if you can help them through some of those, you can continue to nourish the their math skills and their reading skills and their just general IQ and some of these things that uh will help them succeed if you can help them with their deficits.
28:27
Apryl: Yeah, and I think that's the saddest part about ADHD is that these kids, a lot of them are extremely bright, but they hear so much negative all the time, especially, you know, it's like, oh, you got an F on your paper.
28:40
Apryl: Well, it wasn't lack of skill or knowledge, it was the lack of the literal lack of executive function ability to be able to get it done.
28:50
Apryl: And so then it it reflects on their self-esteem.
28:54
Brian: Right.
28:55
Brian: And you need to be helping them all along the way to keep them ahead of pace or on pace, because when they do fall behind, those are the things that will stack up.
29:04
Apryl: Yeah.
29:05
Apryl: Yes.
29:06
Apryl: So we got off on a tangent there, but I think it was a good one.
29:10
Brian: A little bit of a tangent.
29:12
Apryl: So back to our high schoolers though.
29:14
Apryl: Same with, you know, as an adult working, right?
29:18
Apryl: Sometimes if you're hitting a wall, have him get up.
29:22
Apryl: Tell him, you know, like work for 20 minutes and get up for five minutes or 10 minutes.
29:26
Apryl: Our son used to do this.
29:27
Apryl: He would study and then he would pull out his guitar and play.
29:29
Apryl: I'm sure he still does.
29:30
Apryl: He's in college now.
29:31
Apryl: But um, and that was like his break.
29:33
Apryl: He would play the guitar for a bit and then he would go back to studying.
29:37
Apryl: So, you know, teach them focus, rest, repeat.
29:40
Apryl: And there is like proven data of, you know, like work 50 minutes, have a 10 minute break.
29:45
Apryl: Like, teach them these skills because again, they are life skills.
29:50
unknown: Right.
29:50
Brian: And as an elementary school, we were talking like 10 and 2 minutes.
29:53
Brian: As it gets older, they can each get longer, but you can't you can't skip that rest period even as an adult.
30:00
Apryl: Yeah.
30:00
Apryl: It's literally scientifically proven that it works to have breaks.
30:04
Brian: Yeah.
30:04
Brian: Sitting down for a three hour just cram session and not taking a break, you might as well just do an hour and a half and and skip the last hour and a half because it's gonna be completely unproductive.
30:13
Apryl: Yeah.
30:13
Brian: One other thing, on top of the actual study time, there's a few things that can help your high schooler that they just high schoolers are notorious for lacking on.
30:22
Brian: And that's sleep, movement, exercise, and a healthy diet.
30:27
Brian: These are all the things that are gonna help support the dopamine regulation, support executive functioning, and I mean we've already talked about this, that lacking sleep just turns your ADHD into super ADHD.
30:38
Brian: If you've ever experienced a lack of sleep and you're not ADHD, I mean you can almost get a grasp of what ADHD is like when you're just completely exhausted and somebody's giving you a ton of s a ton of things to do.
30:52
Apryl: So if your teen wants to go for a run before they do homework, let them.
30:56
Apryl: That's not them avoiding, it's literally going to help them work.
31:01
Apryl: It's a neurological strategy that's gonna help them get their stuff done.
31:05
Brian: Right, right, right.
31:06
Brian: And it helps the anxiety, it helps depression, it helps, I mean, mental health in almost every single way.
31:11
Apryl: Yeah.
31:12
Apryl: So here, back to what I was saying earlier is we want to make sure that at the end of the day, homework isn't just turning in a worksheet.
31:24
Apryl: It's about building the confidence and skills without damaging your connection with your child.
31:32
Brian: Kids with ADHD are already told you're not trying hard enough more times than most adults will hear in a lifetime.
31:38
Brian: This is just a repetitive, you're not trying.
31:40
Brian: Why don't you give up more effort?
31:42
Brian: And you don't want homework to add to that narrative because all that's doing is beating them down and letting them know, oh, you actually can't do it.
31:50
Apryl: Yes.
31:50
Apryl: So pick one small system to start with, just like James Clear in Atomic Habits.
31:57
Apryl: We don't want to try to overhaul everything.
31:59
Apryl: Pick one of the one of the things that we've talked about today and start it.
32:03
Apryl: So with your elementary kid, maybe it's just having that trigger of, you know what, we're gonna do homework after dinner.
32:08
Apryl: Or just starting this Sunday um reset with your middle schooler or a Sunday check-in with your high schooler.
32:17
Apryl: Those are simple and easy things to just start with.
32:20
Apryl: And these small things, you build upon them, right?
32:26
Apryl: And these small wins will build trust, and trust builds progress.
32:31
Brian: So with homework, always end it with a round of applause or a thumbs up or a high five or something to let them know, hey, you did an amazing job and congrats, this is you've done it.
32:46
Brian: Uh, it could be a distressing time, and it's like, I hate this, and everybody's telling me I'm not trying hard enough.
32:52
Brian: So end it on a positive note every time.
32:55
Brian: Uh ADHD brains can thrive when the systems match their wiring, so don't fight against it.
33:01
Apryl: One thing you said, this is this reminded me as we were preparing for this episode, I was actually thinking of something.
33:07
Apryl: So um, one thing you can do with your younger kids is having like little tokens in the classroom.
33:16
Apryl: We had like counters that we would use.
33:18
Apryl: Um, and so that's what I pictured in my mind.
33:20
Apryl: But like, okay, you've finished, you know, three homework problems, you get a token, right?
33:26
Apryl: And then with so many problems, they get so many tokens, and then at the end of the week, they can turn their tokens in for something.
33:32
Apryl: Reward systems can help too, like help motivate.
33:36
Apryl: Or, you know, they can turn in you you've got five tokens, you get so many minutes of screen time after homework tonight.
33:45
Brian: Right, yeah.
33:46
Brian: A reward just makes it that much better.
33:48
Apryl: Yes.
33:48
Apryl: So all right, go give yourself and your kiddos some grace tonight.
33:55
Apryl: Remember, biggest thing here is to keep your connection and your relationship with your kiddo strong.
34:03
Apryl: And so don't ruin it trying to fight over homework every single night.
34:07
Brian: Right.
34:07
Brian: And the homework can wait five minutes if it just means a hug first.
34:10
Apryl: Yep.
34:11
Apryl: And one last thought that I want to just plug in here too.
34:14
Apryl: Make sure that you're always, like I said earlier, having communication with the teacher.
34:20
Apryl: If homework is too much, then have that conversation with the teacher.
34:25
Apryl: As a former teacher, I would advocate for, especially your elementary school kids, if they can't do homework, the 20 minutes of reading a night is the key.
34:35
Apryl: 20 minutes of reading a math wax, those are the most important things that you can do with your kids.
34:39
Apryl: And if they can't sit for 20 minutes and read, but they'll listen to you read, that's good enough for that night.
34:45
Apryl: So make sure you're having conversations with your teachers.
34:48
Apryl: Just having those lines of communication are gonna be super helpful too.
34:52
Apryl: So that is it for this week, and we will see you next week, same time, same place.
35:00
Brian: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
35:04
Brian: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
35:07
Brian: Small shifts can make a big difference.
35:10
Brian: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you would leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
35:19
Brian: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
35:23
Brian: Until then, you've got this, and we've got your back.