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Words Matter · Have A Little Faith with Delilah

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Well, hello, my friend. Welcome to have a Little Faith
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: with Delilah, my new podcast series where I get to
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: share all about my faith. We can talk about how
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I came to believe, what led to that decision. I
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: was not raised in a particularly religious family. My folks
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: didn't belong to a denomination or a church. But my
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: mom sent us to church a lot, mostly to Bible
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Bible summer camps, to vacation Bible Schools VBS because she
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: had four kids and she wanted us out of the house,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: so she sent us to VBS. Didn't matter if it
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: was at the Baptist church or the Presbyterian Church or
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: the Catholic Church. She just wanted us out of the
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: house so she could have a minute a piece in quiet.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: And now that I have got five kids at home
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: once again, this is the fourth batch of children that
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I have raised since the eighties. I have two that
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: are my adopted children. They are sixteen and nine, and
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: then I have three grandchildren that I have custody of.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: So we're doing it all over again. And trust me,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: if the little town that I lived near had VBS
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: this summer, I would have sent them just like my
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: mom did every week but she sent us hoping, you know,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: that it would be like free babysitters. And it was
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: kind of confusing because they taught very different theologies. But
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: I did learn. I did learn a lot of the
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: Bible as a kid, and when I came to my
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: faith in my late twenties, I was able to draw
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: on those stories and remember those stories and delve deep
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: into those stories, not just the surface little stories that
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: you learn you know at Bible camp, but actually dig
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: deep into them. And the Bible is the cornerstone of
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: my life. I believe it is the inspired word of God,
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: and I try to live by biblical principles. Do I
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: follow the rules in the Bible? No, I don't. I
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: fail miserably at following rules, so did most people. And
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: that's why I believe God sent his son Jesus for us,
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: because all those rules in Torah, nobody, nobody was able
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: to follow them. And through our faith in the Lord,
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: there's just a few very simple rules, the main one
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: being do unto others, treat other people the way you
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: want to be treated, Forgive other people the way you
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: want to be forgiven. And in my life I've needed
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: to be forgiven a lot because I've made a lot
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: of really bad choices, and I have hurt people, both
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: intentionally and unintentionally. I have hurt people intentionally when I
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: said things in anger. Oh man, I have an ugly temper.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: It's something that I have to work on continuously. I
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: have an ugly, ugly temper, and I have a really
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: cruel tongue when I'm angry. There are so many things
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: that I have said in my lifetime that I wish
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: I could take back. But once they escape your lips,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: you can't take those words back. Foolish things I said,
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: Manipulative things I've said that I wish that I could
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: take back. We have one collar in this episode. We've
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: been having four or five callers, but this is a
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: long conversation one color named Jasmine. I love that name.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I spoke with this young woman for a long time.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Jasmine was genuinely heartbroken, distraught over her reaction to feeling rejected.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: She was feeling rejected, she was feeling hurt, she was
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: feeling unloved, and so she lashed out at the boyfriend
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: that she loved deeply. And now she wishes with all
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: of her heart that she could just take those words back.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: That she could take her anger back. As we talked
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: through this, she disclosed some of the reasons for her
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: insecurity and her reaction, and like I said, she did
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: deeply regrets it. I don't think there is a person
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: among us who doesn't wish they could take back something
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: they did or something they said while in emotional turmoil,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: while exhausted halt. There's an expression in recovery we use
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: ha lt hungry, angry, lonely, tired. When you're hungry, angry, lonely,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: and tired, you tend to say things that you can't
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: take back, so you have to halt when you're feeling
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: those things. Just think about that as we listen to
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: this conversation. Let's hear from the very honest, very sincere
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: very sweet Jasmine. Right now, Hi, it's Jasmin, Jasmine, Welcome.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: What can I do for you?
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: Which is wondering if you could play a song so
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: I can dedicate to someone?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Why does it sound like your heart is breaking? Jasmine?
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: Become get us.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: Almost some years and three months ago, this was the
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: person I thought I was gonna marry and I just really.
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: Missed him so much.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: And what happened and it was this over a stupid fight.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: It was mostly my fault because I let my emotions
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: take over, and I knew that he needed me in
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: that moment because he was going through a lot too,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: and my emotions just took over, and it made me
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: lose someone that I really really cared about and that
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: I really loved.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Okay, I need more details than that, Like, what do
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: you mean your emotions took over? What happened? What were
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: you fussing about?
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: I was gonna see him. It was on a Friday.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: We typically hang out on Fridays, and he wanted to stay.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: In hang out. Wait a second, I thought you were
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: a couple.
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but we don't. We don't live together. We're gonna we're.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Playing No, But I'm if you're a couple, won't you
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: like go on dates or do you just go to
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: somebody's house and sit around.
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: We go on dates, we go to eat, we'd take
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: walks on we would take walks in the park.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Okay, So you thought you were gonna have an evening
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: with him? Yeah, And what happened?
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: He wanted to stay inside, you know, to stay in
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: and study for his boys, them meaning not not see
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: each other today. And I was feeling very overwhelmed, and
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: I felt, you know, upset, you know, because I would
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: have loved heads up at least earlier that day that
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: I wasn't going to see him.
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: But it was literally like.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: An hour before we typically he typically comes to pick
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: me up, and you know, like, I hurt my feelings
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: and I just wanted to see him and it didn't
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: work out, and I got upset.
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: I got frustrated.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: I said something I shouldn't have and it was something
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: that he wanted me to work on, and I just
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: said it again. Basically, whenever I would get upset, I
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: would just.
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: Be like, I'm over this, I'm so done. I'm just
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: over it.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: And he warned me that he didn't like that and
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: that he would ask me to please stop. And I
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: did for a while, and it just slipped out. It
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: slipped out in the heat of the moment, and it
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: made me lose someone that I've really loved. And I
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: know I hurt him too, but I thought we could
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: still work it out, but ultimately he didn't think so,
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: so I accepted his decisions and I.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: Let him be Jasmine. How old are you Han?
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: Twenty six?
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: So where in life did you learn that when you
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: love someone, it's okay to be manipulative when you don't
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: get your way.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: I don't know when I saw that or when I
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: started doing that.
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: I just know that it was something that I didn't
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: want to do.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's just from saying, you know my parents' relationship
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: growing up. They're great parents, but you know when arguments happened,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: they're not the greatest.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: And so can I make a suggestion, honey, Yeah, I
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: hear so much heartbreak. I hear that you are crushed.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Use that grief and that sadness to motivate you to
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: go talk to a counselor you can learn healthy ways
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: of behaving so you don't do what I did and
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: keep blowing up relationships. Yes, I did not have any
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: relationship tools in my tool belt when I became a
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: young woman. None. Yeah, I had no relationship tools, and
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: so I just kept making bad choices after bad choices. Now,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: the man, there's so many good counselors and good wisdom
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: and knowledge and books and groups and support groups and
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: ted talks and relationship coaches online and so much information
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: out there that I didn't have when I was your age.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: And so I've gone through multiple relationships and a lot
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: of it was all my fault because I didn't know
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: how to just state my needs and be honest and
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: be kind and be loving new Oh No, I had
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: to be manipulative and needy and desperate and all sorts
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: of yucky stuff.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: And I know I've been going through the counselor ever
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: since because it really, really I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know any other words to say by you
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: know it, don't me.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to lose him, you know bad. Nothing
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: wasn't perfect. I'm not perfect, but I just love it.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to lose him. And ultimately that my
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: fear happened. I lost the man that I love and
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: I lost the curtains that I wanted to spend the
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: up to my life. And we both talked about the future.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: We were determined that we were going to make.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: It so the s So let's liken your hurtful words.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Let's just flip the script. If every time my husband
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: got frustrated with me, he said, well, I'm out of here,
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: I'm done, how many times do you think he would
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: say that that? I would put up with it once
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: one time. If he said that to me one time,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: I would say there's the door, go yes. How many
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: times did you do that that he asked you to stop?
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: It was once in my name, that's for sure.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Where did you learn that that was okay? Is what
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: I'm asking.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: And I wish I couldn't give it a definite answer,
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: and I just I don't know, and I hate that
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: it's ok me up until this devastating heartbreak to realize
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: that I need to change that. I can't do that
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: to myself, to my partner.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: I cannot do that. It's so hurtful.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: But where does it come from? I mean, clearly, you
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: don't mean it when you say I'm done. Clearly what
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: you mean is I want my way, and so I'm
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: going to threaten you. Did you really mean you were done?
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Or were you just being manipulative?
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: I was so frustrated and so upset and mad because
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: you couldn't have told me earlier before I had planned
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: my night with you, before I planned my weekend with you.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Totally get that, But I'm asking you when those words
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: came out of your mouth, did you really mean that
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: you were done? Were you really so frustrated you wanted
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: it in the relationship? Or were you being manipulative to
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: get your way.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: I was being manipulative and trying to get him that
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: I was upset so that you did you and want
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: to see me.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Now you've learned that that doesn't work. Not an effective
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: way to communicate. Yes, And it sounds like I'm beaten
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: up on you, and I probably am, and I don't
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: mean to. I'm sorry. I apologize for that, because what
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to do is say, please don't do what
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: I did. Please don't do what I did. Learn from
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: your mistakes and go talk to somebody and it sounds
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: like you are, and figure out how to have healthy
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: communications and how to set healthy boundaries and how to
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: accept boundaries. Because what he was doing is he was
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: setting a boundary saying this is like the most important
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: test of a lifetime, and as much as I would
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: like to spend time with you, I realize it's far
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: more important for me to study. That's a really healthy boundary.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I was saying no to what he really wanted to
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: do and yes to what he needed to do.
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: I recur it so much.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Well, No, the truth, Jasmine, if he was the one
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: God meant for you, you guys would be working this out
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: together the fact that you're not working it out together
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: means he's not the one God means for you forever.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: And so the important thing is you learned a valuable
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: lesson that you will now hopefully change your behaviors. So
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: when the right man that you are meant to spend
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: forever with comes into your life, you will not ever
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: try to manipulate him. You are either trying to manipulate
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: him to get your way or you were trying to
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: hurt him and wound him. Either way, not healthy ways
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: to treat someone you love. Right, So you are learning
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: healthy ways to interact in a relationship. You'd be working
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: it out, you're not. So that means there is a better.
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: Plan I'm trying to learn, and it's not that.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Do you have any faith in the Almighty? Do you
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: have faith in a power greater than yourself?
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: I do?
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Okay? So do you believe that God is concerned about
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: your love life and who you spend your life with
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: and who you grow old with? Do you think he
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: orchestrates that and brings that person to us? Okay? So
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: your little mistake is not bigger than God's plan?
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: Is it? No?
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: As badly as you feel, right now, and I know
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: you do. Your mistake could not undo God's big picture plan.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: I know that, So trust him. Trust that the future
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: will work out exactlyactly the way it's supposed to. Apply
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: what you learn, and trust that God is going to
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: either bring this person back to your life when you're
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: in a healthier place, or he's going to bring somebody
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: else into your life. Either way, all you should be
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: focusing on right now is becoming the best version of
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: yourself that you can be.
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to adjust my life, try to be better,
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: turn my soulf. I'm trying to unattach myself from him
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: that I'm trying to reenrage and stop thinking about my
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: future with him from right now in this moment, because
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: right now he is thought Jim. But I know that
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: whatever is meant to be is going to happen. I
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: still love him. I wish him to gout.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, So let's forget about communicating with him right now
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: or even thinking about him. Let's focus on you, honey, Jasmine.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: Let's just can you just say, you know what, for
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: the next year, I Am going to make this the
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: year of Jasmine. Do you want to know what's really
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: magical about the jasmine flower. Well, number one, it's got
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: a million healing properties. But number two, jasmine has a
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: delicious sweet aroma that permeates the air, and just the
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: smell alone is healing. But jasmine during the day, when
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: everything is bright and cheery and sunny, smells nice. But
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: at night, when the world grows dark and everything looks scary,
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: the scent of the jasmine is enhanced tenfold. They smell
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: so much sweeter when the sun goes down, When the
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: night is darkest, the jasmine is the sweetest. And right
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: now the night is dark in your life, Jasmine. It's
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: dark because you're missing and grieving the person you thought
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: you were going to grow old with. But God can
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: turn that darkness into the sweetest part of your life
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: if you let him. So, just say you know what,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: For the next twelve months, I'm going to dedicate this
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: time to myself and to getting to know myself and
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: to getting to know the creator who made me, and
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: figuring out the plan for my life and going to
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: counseling and learning healthy ways to communicate. Because you are
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: so wonderful and you have such a tender heart and
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: you deserve joy. Thank you so much, Jasmine, the flower
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: is the sweetest when the night is the darkest. Remember that, Okay,
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: and if you haven't plant one out outside your bedroom window,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: oh well, thank you for calling God. Bless you, honey,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much to world. Jasmine is so young
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: and knows she has a lot to work on. I
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: thank her. I thank her for reminding me how easy
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: it is to make a really big, foolish mistake, not
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: because we're trying to hurt somebody, but because we're hurting
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: and we're reacting. I know we've all done that. We
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: don't have to though. There is way too much turmoil
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: to unravel in this world every day going on around us.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: There are for sure people who you need to set
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: boundaries with. That's a healthy thing. Please just take the
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: time to think through and pray through those things. Don't
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: react in anger. You can't take those words back, and
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: your words matter, they do. Maybe try to remember not
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: to solve but anything or even say anything when you're angry,
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: especially with people you love. Give yourself a time out.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I have to give my kids and my grandkids a
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: time out all the time, because when they're hungry, when
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: they're angry, when they're tired, it's like, okay, time out.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: We are going to de escalate here. And I have
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: learned over the years to give myself a time out.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: When I'm talking to my husband and I'm starting to
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: get defensive or starting to get frustrated, I say, honey,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: I'm going to take a time out right here because
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say something I regret. Give me
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: a couple of minutes, and I walk away, not walk
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: away like stomp away and not finish the conversation. I
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: mean walk away, like to de escalate, to do some
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: deep breathing, to do a little prayer, and then come
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: back and say, Okay, sorry about that. I was ramped up.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to take a deep breath and I'm going
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: to try to take all the anger out of the
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: conversation and talk to you with love something to think about.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I hope you have enjoyed today's episode. Thank you for
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: joining me today, and remember, if you want to share
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: your story, you want to share your faith, If you
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: need a prayer, call me in the evening Monday through
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: Friday one eight eight, eight, six, three, three, five four
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: five two you'll find me in my studio. I will
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: be back next week, but until then, remember The Lord
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: loves you, so never forget to have a little faith
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: del