Latest / Tea Time w/Amie & Bev / Episode #276: Dancing Through the Echoes of Abandonment

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Episode #276: Dancing Through the Echoes of Abandonment · Tea Time w/Amie & Bev

0:02
Speaker 1: Hi, everybody, Welcome to Sea Time with Amy and Beth.
0:05
Speaker 2: Good day, I think good day loosely, okay. So blaying yourself, Lucy,
0:15
Speaker 2: I figured it's a good opportunity for people to see
0:20
Speaker 2: what you do in your work style. So this morning,
0:24
Speaker 2: just before we got on Freeman's getting ready to take
0:26
Speaker 2: off to go shooting and stuff, and I'm and I'm
0:29
Speaker 2: noticing I feel agitated on the inside, it kind of irritated,
0:33
Speaker 2: and it's like I'm talking.
0:34
Speaker 3: To myself like why are you why do you feel
0:35
Speaker 3: like this? Why are you acting like this? Why are
0:37
Speaker 3: you behaving like this? And then all of a sudden
0:40
Speaker 3: it hit me that abandonment, mother, that's trucker, that's right, abandonment, because.
0:55
Speaker 1: We love abandonment.
0:57
Speaker 3: It's one of my favorite topics, my favorite emotions that
1:03
Speaker 3: I didn't know that I had.
1:04
Speaker 1: Now I love it. Let it come.
1:05
Speaker 3: I mean I kind of actually did know a little bit,
1:08
Speaker 3: but never thought about my dad and I don't remember,
1:12
Speaker 3: but I know I have knowing withinside of me. I
1:15
Speaker 3: have knowing withinside of me not wanting my dad to
1:18
Speaker 3: leave and still packing and stuff and going to be
1:22
Speaker 3: trying to talk to him. Yeah, you guys get to
1:26
Speaker 3: see me on the girl crying You're welcome. Yeah, I
1:30
Speaker 3: wasn't expecting that. I was like, holy shit, I said.
1:36
Speaker 1: The floodgates. Floodgates have opened, so let it. Yeah, let's go, sister.
1:41
Speaker 3: So we're in the kitchen and he's like, this is
1:44
Speaker 3: like a core. This is the core for you to remove,
1:47
Speaker 3: because he said, that's me keeping everybody away from me,
1:51
Speaker 3: which I always have. Yeah, because I'm trying to keep
1:54
Speaker 3: my dad, which I know, I'm an adult and I
1:56
Speaker 3: know that that's the I can't believe I'm crying on this,
2:00
Speaker 3: but whatever, that's the thing. And it's like I don't
2:04
Speaker 3: feel a bond or closest to my dad, but it's
2:07
Speaker 3: like I know that on an energetic level, I know
2:09
Speaker 3: that I could feel probably my mom was feeling unhappy
2:13
Speaker 3: because he was leaving. My dad would have been unhappy.
2:16
Speaker 3: And we're so we so learn how to be so
2:20
Speaker 3: in cathic to our surroundings so we can be the
2:23
Speaker 3: best that we can be, so we can keep our
2:26
Speaker 3: family happy. So stupid.
2:32
Speaker 1: Actually, I just had this conversation yesterday. Took a friend
2:34
Speaker 1: to lunch and I talked about this as well, because
2:41
Speaker 1: the topic of abortion came up and family dynamics and
2:46
Speaker 1: how there are in her family and in my husband's
2:52
Speaker 1: family that a baby was born, but the actual parent,
2:59
Speaker 1: the father in our case, in our side of the family,
3:05
Speaker 1: and I believe it was the father of the baby.
3:10
Speaker 1: In her family, everybody's just acting like they're not the parent,
3:17
Speaker 1: so it's the grandparents taking care of it, or the
3:20
Speaker 1: mom's taking care of it. But the other party of
3:24
Speaker 1: the child, the other parent of the child, is like, oh,
3:27
Speaker 1: it nothing to do with it, and she brought it
3:30
Speaker 1: up on about her family. I'm like, you know, it's
3:34
Speaker 1: pretty common. It's happening in my husband's family. But I said,
3:40
Speaker 1: I also have abandonment and rejection issues and my biological
3:45
Speaker 1: father leaving and not having anything to do with me
3:48
Speaker 1: my entire life. I'm at fifty five now. My entire
3:51
Speaker 1: life never has reached out or anything. I'm pretty sure
3:55
Speaker 1: I have two half sisters in my world. I'm an
4:02
Speaker 1: only child, so but my entire life, I've, like you said,
4:07
Speaker 1: I've tried to do things, especially toward men, teenage boys
4:14
Speaker 1: right high school, always trying to prove myself good enough
4:18
Speaker 1: for them to want to be with me, otherwise they're
4:22
Speaker 1: gonna abandon me. Once they abandon me, now I feel
4:24
Speaker 1: rejected and now I'm not good enough. And then the
4:26
Speaker 1: whole thing just spirals that that whole inner dialogue happens,
4:31
Speaker 1: And then the question came up. She asked me, well,
4:36
Speaker 1: she had said that her friend similar situation and decided
4:46
Speaker 1: to reach out and meet her dad. And she goes,
4:51
Speaker 1: and it was all good and fine, and she called
4:53
Speaker 1: it the honeymoon phase. She goes, but now the honeymoon
4:55
Speaker 1: phase is over with it, and now she's got all
4:57
Speaker 1: these questions happening inside. So yes, she's like, have you
5:01
Speaker 1: ever wanted to meet your biological dad? And I said,
5:04
Speaker 1: I said, well, when I was younger, I had so
5:06
Speaker 1: many anger issues about it and about life in general
5:09
Speaker 1: that no. I was like, he don't want to reach
5:12
Speaker 1: out to me, he's not making the effort, then fuck him.
5:15
Speaker 1: Really my best friend growing up, her mom asked me,
5:19
Speaker 1: do you want to meet your biological dad? Basically as
5:23
Speaker 1: a teenager, not throwing the F bomb out of respect,
5:26
Speaker 1: but basically told her the same thing. It's not interested
5:29
Speaker 1: in me, why do I want to reach out to him?
5:32
Speaker 1: And then so as we're talking about it, and I said,
5:35
Speaker 1: and you know, because she had talked about her friend
5:38
Speaker 1: and she said, now there's issues now, like the wife,
5:44
Speaker 1: current wife of this man is having issues with this
5:49
Speaker 1: daughter coming into their life, and and like this whole
5:53
Speaker 1: upheavals happening. And I said, exactly, why do I Why
5:57
Speaker 1: do I want to create that? And not it would
6:00
Speaker 1: I don't know what would happen, But why would I
6:03
Speaker 1: want to put myself in that position? Too? I've had
6:07
Speaker 1: a a I have a great life now, I've had
6:11
Speaker 1: a lot of lot of classroom experience of life beforehand.
6:16
Speaker 1: But I think about why why do I Why would
6:21
Speaker 1: I want to go down that path and open up
6:25
Speaker 1: all those doors and possibility create upheaval in their life
6:32
Speaker 1: or discomfort or you know, what if he's what if
6:37
Speaker 1: he's I'm just going to throw this out as a scenario.
6:39
Speaker 1: What if he's a multi millionaire and they're like, oh,
6:42
Speaker 1: she knows and now she's trying to reach out, blah
6:44
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah. Right, she just wants her hand
6:47
Speaker 1: in the pot, hasn't no. From my perspective, I was
6:53
Speaker 1: born into this world under the circumstances for me to
6:56
Speaker 1: learn to love myself. And that's the path I've chosen,
7:00
Speaker 1: and it doesn't matter who comes and goes into my life.
7:04
Speaker 1: I got here, my spirit got here, and this is
7:07
Speaker 1: my path and this is the path I have chosen
7:10
Speaker 1: based on my choices. So I have come to We
7:20
Speaker 1: could go into a whole conversation about forgiveness, but I
7:24
Speaker 1: don't want to go that route because I know this
7:26
Speaker 1: is not what it's about, but going through the processes
7:31
Speaker 1: of healing myself mentally and emotionally, not about having a
7:35
Speaker 1: biological dad who left. It was about being feeling abandoned
7:39
Speaker 1: and rejected and having to heal those wounds within myself
7:42
Speaker 1: so I would know that the joy and the love
7:45
Speaker 1: comes from within me, not because of another person.
7:51
Speaker 3: And to me, the whole feeling that I was feeling
7:53
Speaker 3: this morning was what was keeping me from all that stuff. See,
7:57
Speaker 3: I've connected with my biological father.
7:59
Speaker 1: I don't.
8:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, I have zero emotional attachment to him. But my
8:04
Speaker 3: little girl had that experience, just like he said, and
8:07
Speaker 3: it has nothing to do with it. It's not from
8:09
Speaker 3: a victim standpoint. It's from the victim. It's now understanding
8:13
Speaker 3: where that stuff came from. I actually feel really light
8:15
Speaker 3: right now. But it's also it had nothing to do
8:19
Speaker 3: with Frank. It just had everything to do with that
8:21
Speaker 3: had to do with me. But this was for my growth,
8:23
Speaker 3: This is for my feeling because I have reached out
8:25
Speaker 3: to him and it's not And I wasn't worried about
8:27
Speaker 3: any of the things. I just felt like this whole.
8:35
Speaker 1: Well, dang.
8:38
Speaker 3: And I've had conversations with him, but it's like, it's not.
8:41
Speaker 3: I mean, I have lots of questions. I want to
8:43
Speaker 3: do an interview with him, be like, so did you
8:45
Speaker 3: cheat out my mom? And how did you feel about that?
8:47
Speaker 3: How is your dad growing up? And did he do
8:49
Speaker 3: anything with you?
8:50
Speaker 1: And you know, I.
8:51
Speaker 3: Want to ask all these questions like a like a investigator,
8:54
Speaker 3: to have understanding why for my duality. So I have
8:58
Speaker 3: understanding about why the person was the way that he was.
9:01
Speaker 3: But I never missed him. I never missed him growing up.
9:04
Speaker 3: I don't remember ever happening an attachment to Maybe I
9:07
Speaker 3: cut it off because of that moment, I don't know,
9:10
Speaker 3: but even having the conversations, like I've reached out to
9:12
Speaker 3: him a few times and he's like, okay, okay, sweetheart,
9:16
Speaker 3: or we'll say whatever he says and I'll get back
9:18
Speaker 3: to you. He never does, and it's like he never
9:20
Speaker 3: communicated all these years. Why would I expect him to communicate?
9:23
Speaker 1: Now?
9:23
Speaker 3: How can I expect someone to have or to be
9:27
Speaker 3: the things that I think that that person can be, Like,
9:29
Speaker 3: you know, reach out, let's have conversations. You want to
9:31
Speaker 3: know about me. I want to know about you. He
9:33
Speaker 3: doesn't want to know about me though he doesn't because
9:35
Speaker 3: he doesn't. That's not an understanding, that's not where he's at.
9:38
Speaker 3: And that's okay because I want to know about me
9:41
Speaker 3: before this even happened. I'm righting on the my mirror
9:44
Speaker 3: in my bathroom. It's like, what if I was in
9:49
Speaker 3: Costa Rica by myself anywhere. Let's just say that I'm
9:52
Speaker 3: anywhere in the world by myself. I'm in that space.
9:55
Speaker 3: Nobody knows me. I could go out and dance, I
9:58
Speaker 3: could go out and sing, I could go I could
10:00
Speaker 3: start doing tertal readings. I could start doing all these things.
10:03
Speaker 3: But because there's a familiarity here of me, I reduced
10:08
Speaker 3: myself to that size and it's like I wrote on
10:10
Speaker 3: the mirror, It's like, no, nobody really knows me because
10:13
Speaker 3: I don't really truly know me. How could anybody else
10:16
Speaker 3: know me? Nobody knows me, so I'm going to sing
10:18
Speaker 3: and dance anyways, and then this emotional stuff happened and
10:23
Speaker 3: just happened before I came on the ear, so it
10:25
Speaker 3: was like super fresh and super raw, and it's like
10:27
Speaker 3: so much. It's so.
10:30
Speaker 1: To me.
10:31
Speaker 3: This is the reason why I'm still here. That i'd
10:35
Speaker 3: never killed myself and it never worked. You know, we've
10:39
Speaker 3: talked about that stuff. I was a pill person and
10:43
Speaker 3: you know, stuff like that, pills, and once tried to
10:46
Speaker 3: hang myself and it didn't work out, thankfully, because I'm
10:49
Speaker 3: still here, thank you God. Speaking of which, I'm two
10:54
Speaker 3: nights ago. I know I'm off onto another thing, but
10:57
Speaker 3: it's all kind of connected, not last night from the
11:02
Speaker 3: night before, so it was it's been three nights ago.
11:04
Speaker 3: I'm looking for one of my dogs that ran off,
11:07
Speaker 3: and it's the full it's not a full moon, but
11:09
Speaker 3: the moon was up and enough where it was bright enough.
11:10
Speaker 3: I didn't even I had a flashlight like my hand
11:12
Speaker 3: and I'm walking around and all of a sudden, I'm
11:14
Speaker 3: looking straight ahead and all of a sudden, something hits
11:16
Speaker 3: my my shin and then immediate rattling A Mahabi green
11:21
Speaker 3: tried to freaking bite me. And it didn't bite me.
11:25
Speaker 3: It's it's no longer in its current body. But but
11:29
Speaker 3: but all that stuff happened, you know, it happened, and
11:31
Speaker 3: it's like, holy smokes, that was pretty impressive, and and
11:35
Speaker 3: that it's green too, and and snakes represent transformation, and
11:39
Speaker 3: so for me, this has just happened. So it's all
11:41
Speaker 3: these things that we experience are leading us up there,
11:43
Speaker 3: giving us like indicators, just like the person your grandfather
11:47
Speaker 3: shows up smoking all the time, right, We're always getting
11:49
Speaker 3: information support that's always there, kind of indicating what's coming
11:54
Speaker 3: next and we're okay, it's okay.
11:58
Speaker 1: I was listening a podcast this morning with Greg Braden
12:02
Speaker 1: on Next Level Soul, and he was talking about a
12:07
Speaker 1: kind of going back to the baby, the being born
12:11
Speaker 1: into this world. And he was telling a story how
12:16
Speaker 1: he was sitting next to an air a person in
12:19
Speaker 1: the military and they were talking about children, and I,
12:24
Speaker 1: you know, asked you have kids, and this military person
12:28
Speaker 1: said no, my wife and I can't even imagine bringing
12:31
Speaker 1: kids into this world as chaotic as it is. And
12:35
Speaker 1: then Greg, you know, gave him a different perspective and said, well,
12:38
Speaker 1: what if, what if that soul needs to come to
12:41
Speaker 1: this world to help make a shift, or bring their
12:46
Speaker 1: talents and you know, help with society or you know.
12:53
Speaker 1: The words that he was using, of course a little
12:55
Speaker 1: different than what I'm saying, but the idea that were
13:00
Speaker 1: born into this body for a reason and in the
13:04
Speaker 1: beginning could be the beginning, could be the middle, could
13:07
Speaker 1: be towards the end. Like we don't know most times,
13:10
Speaker 1: we don't. Most people don't know why they are here,
13:14
Speaker 1: what their purpose is. I feel like I've already expressed
13:18
Speaker 1: mine earlier in this conversation, is to love myself, even
13:22
Speaker 1: through the abandonment and the rejection and and they anger,
13:29
Speaker 1: the hatred, the jealousy, the envy, all the things, the
13:34
Speaker 1: guilts and the shame that through all of that muck
13:38
Speaker 1: and guck, I had to find me. I had to
13:41
Speaker 1: I had to connect to me to be able to
13:46
Speaker 1: know what joy actually was and know what love actually is.
13:51
Speaker 1: Do I have a full definition of it. I don't
13:53
Speaker 1: think so. I'm still working on it. I'm still working progress,
13:56
Speaker 1: and that's okay. I'm okay with it. But I will
13:58
Speaker 1: tell you I am way far ahead of the game
14:01
Speaker 1: now than I was ten thirty years ago. In any
14:05
Speaker 1: part in between of that, in between that, But it
14:09
Speaker 1: took a whole lot of transformation to come to your
14:13
Speaker 1: point that you just you can't sit in your muck
14:19
Speaker 1: and guck and expect life to be roses and people
14:22
Speaker 1: are like, well, you just see through rose colored glasses
14:26
Speaker 1: and be positive. I tried that too. No, to be honest,
14:30
Speaker 1: didn't work for me because I still had the internal
14:34
Speaker 1: turmoil going on that I hadn't addressed that I was
14:37
Speaker 1: hanging onto all that baggage. So when I have gone
14:42
Speaker 1: through my transformation and still transforming, like, it's not a
14:46
Speaker 1: one and done, it's not a okay. I addressed this
14:50
Speaker 1: situation with my biological dad who abandoned me, and now
14:53
Speaker 1: I've no abandonment still comes up, just like you're saying,
14:58
Speaker 1: it got you this morning, and it just here I am.
15:02
Speaker 1: You still got issues inside. You're not issues, but you're
15:05
Speaker 1: still holding on to some layer of abandonment. So here
15:09
Speaker 1: I am. Now what are you gonna do? What are
15:11
Speaker 1: you gonna do with this information? Not with I'm an issue,
15:14
Speaker 1: I'm a problem. This is a problem. I'll never get
15:17
Speaker 1: over this. No, it's here I am. Here's another layer.
15:21
Speaker 1: What are you gonna do with the information that you
15:23
Speaker 1: received this morning. And I tell you, I have to
15:26
Speaker 1: address this myself, not often, but it comes up to
15:31
Speaker 1: get my attention and I'm like, okay, okay, you're here again. Fine,
15:39
Speaker 1: let's let's do this again. But each time, deeper parts
15:44
Speaker 1: of me heal and I feel less bogged down, less
15:50
Speaker 1: stress less, less need for other people to fill that void.
15:57
Speaker 1: And I depend on me to create my joy, to
16:01
Speaker 1: create my lightness, to see life differently. So yeah, and
16:09
Speaker 1: we gotta be grateful for those moments that really suck.
16:12
Speaker 3: Oh yes, I'm grateful. How would I know? I mean,
16:16
Speaker 3: how would I know? How would I know? But I
16:18
Speaker 3: but I had a knowing of it. I can't in
16:20
Speaker 3: my mind's I doesn't see exactly what I mean. I'm
16:23
Speaker 3: not seeing it in my mind's eye exactly the how
16:25
Speaker 3: it transformed.
16:26
Speaker 1: But I know that it will.
16:27
Speaker 3: I know that it did, and that's awesome. I've been
16:30
Speaker 3: listening to Kyle Sees a lot, and he's got a
16:32
Speaker 3: he's he's great because he's offering things and it's twenty
16:35
Speaker 3: bucks here and twenty bucks there. Twenty bucks is easy.
16:38
Speaker 3: And he did a I think it's like a three
16:40
Speaker 3: day your soul's not for sale something along those lines.
16:45
Speaker 3: It's actually pretty great. I'm on the third day of
16:47
Speaker 3: it listening to it because I really have been bringing
16:51
Speaker 3: it in And what is it called, coligos.
16:53
Speaker 1: Collect colleague Kaligo? Is it clean?
16:58
Speaker 3: I think yeah. He calls it like lego or something
17:01
Speaker 3: like that is what he says, what it sounds like,
17:04
Speaker 3: and that's where the positive would come into play. So
17:07
Speaker 3: to process all this stuff, it's Kyle would say that
17:11
Speaker 3: it's for me to tell my inner child that my
17:14
Speaker 3: little little Nikki, you're you're safe, and it's okay for
17:18
Speaker 3: you to be my body and feel abandoned. It's okay
17:21
Speaker 3: to feel that way. It's okay because I don't want
17:23
Speaker 3: to push those fillings away anymore. I don't want to
17:25
Speaker 3: negate those feelings anymore. I want to embrace and say
17:28
Speaker 3: it's okay because no matter what, I love you, which
17:32
Speaker 3: which is me, I love being no matter what, and
17:35
Speaker 3: so the only way and so I've been going through
17:37
Speaker 3: this process too, so it's like everything is part of
17:39
Speaker 3: the next thing. And so then the colegos, when he
17:43
Speaker 3: starts doing that, then it's like remember then it's you
17:45
Speaker 3: know you talk about like this came back yeah, from
17:48
Speaker 3: a year ago, remember when we when we came together
17:50
Speaker 3: in that morning, that I had that emotional feeling and
17:53
Speaker 3: then and it's like, from there my life totally transformed
17:56
Speaker 3: and changed. And I felt so uplifted and enlightened. And
17:59
Speaker 3: Amy reminded me of what she had gone through, and
18:01
Speaker 3: I see how much she glows now that she had
18:03
Speaker 3: gone through those moments. And then where we're at right now,
18:05
Speaker 3: She's leading a whole group of ladies and you know business,
18:09
Speaker 3: and I'm over here and I'm figuring out what i
18:12
Speaker 3: want and what I like, and I'm dancing and I'm singing,
18:14
Speaker 3: and I'm taking time to paint and I and I'm
18:17
Speaker 3: taking time for myself and money's just come in as
18:20
Speaker 3: life is totally transformed from that moment. And so it's
18:23
Speaker 3: like I love that because I've been practicing this all
18:26
Speaker 3: the time, all the time, and that's where it creates
18:28
Speaker 3: the difference. Now, could I just.
18:30
Speaker 1: Keep thinking, all right, Psyche, pause.
18:38
Speaker 3: Are freaking positive girls? Well to keep saying that that's negative,
18:42
Speaker 3: that's negative, that's negative. That's how it was all the time.
18:46
Speaker 3: But I was I didn't have to vocalize it on
18:48
Speaker 3: the outside. It was just for me to recognize these
18:51
Speaker 3: are ways that I can show up or we don't
18:52
Speaker 3: have to and this and you are me, and I
18:56
Speaker 3: am you, and all my kids and family and Jim
19:00
Speaker 3: and Freeman. They're all me anyways. They're just another aspect
19:03
Speaker 3: of me standing in front of me. So I can
19:05
Speaker 3: learn and observe and I can make a choice to
19:08
Speaker 3: be and show up differently. I don't have to stay
19:11
Speaker 3: the same way because the same way ain't working anymore.
19:14
Speaker 3: And then when we drew us transformational work withinside of us,
19:17
Speaker 3: then then the collective is now feeling freer from abandonmint.
19:22
Speaker 3: Then the collective is now feeling freer to be themselves.
19:26
Speaker 3: And now they're doing their own collegos. And now they're
19:28
Speaker 3: doing you know what I mean, it's this whole process.
19:30
Speaker 3: And that's how we could see the whole process. And
19:33
Speaker 3: it's just shifting, totally shifting my gears, totally shifting my gears.
19:38
Speaker 3: And he's funny because now he always brings up the shift,
19:41
Speaker 3: like we've talked about holy shift, and we might you know,
19:44
Speaker 3: you're not might need some TP for that shift, you
19:46
Speaker 3: know whatever. They're just like stuff all the time. It's
19:49
Speaker 3: just funny. So it's just funny. It's just being lighter
19:52
Speaker 3: about things because I've been serious forever and I feel
19:56
Speaker 3: like that what we started with was the root cause
19:58
Speaker 3: of the seriousness. So serious and everything you said about
20:02
Speaker 3: talking about growing up and the boys, because they were
20:06
Speaker 3: all boys, their attention, it was the same for me.
20:09
Speaker 3: And it's like, it's so fascinating when I hear someone
20:11
Speaker 3: else put words to the things that I've gone through,
20:15
Speaker 3: the things that I've felt because we feel so isolated
20:17
Speaker 3: it because it was our situations in it. And let's
20:20
Speaker 3: be real, we're not going to go around talking about
20:22
Speaker 3: getting those attentions. That's not your typical conversation, but it's
20:25
Speaker 3: conversations that need to happen because we're not the only ones.
20:29
Speaker 3: And you know what, it's okay, it's okay for me
20:32
Speaker 3: to be promiscuous in my body. It's okay, there's not
20:36
Speaker 3: it's okay for me to explore it's being it's it's
20:39
Speaker 3: acknowledging that we're fine just the way we are, and
20:42
Speaker 3: then not holding ourselves in this darkness this whole time,
20:45
Speaker 3: which I've been doing apparently forever.
20:48
Speaker 1: Yeah, I Uh. What also came up to me was
20:55
Speaker 1: that possibility not saying, it is stability that when he
21:02
Speaker 1: sees you, your actual dad, your biological dad father sees
21:07
Speaker 1: you or talks to you, he begins to reminisce in
21:11
Speaker 1: his head what transpired at that time and why he left,
21:17
Speaker 1: and then maybe a shame or the guilt that might
21:19
Speaker 1: come up in him. And so he's still hanging on
21:22
Speaker 1: to all of that and every time because I find
21:26
Speaker 1: this to be true. In like friendships that I had
21:29
Speaker 1: earlier in life, I had to come to I had
21:33
Speaker 1: to come to terms with a friendship within me with
21:39
Speaker 1: another person like her and I were living almost parallel lives.
21:44
Speaker 1: I would experience something and then she experienced it, and
21:47
Speaker 1: so I was kind of guiding her through what how
21:50
Speaker 1: I was affected and things like that. Well, she ended
21:55
Speaker 1: up moving. Now also in those days, a lot of
21:59
Speaker 1: alcohol is involved, done a lot of conversations and experiences,
22:02
Speaker 1: and and then and she has since moved. She seeing
22:08
Speaker 1: somebody and then that relationship ended, and now she's you know, married,
22:14
Speaker 1: and and she's been near like within an hour of
22:21
Speaker 1: where we live, no contact, no invitation. Hey, I reached
22:27
Speaker 1: out to her and said, oh, you're going to be
22:29
Speaker 1: because of you know, social media, and they're just putting
22:33
Speaker 1: it out there that oh, we're going to be you know,
22:37
Speaker 1: here this location. And so I reached out to her
22:41
Speaker 1: and she's like, well, you know, we have like a
22:43
Speaker 1: big group of people, and you know how chaotic that
22:45
Speaker 1: can be. And so I don't know if we should meet.
22:47
Speaker 1: I don't think, you know. So I was just like okay, okay,
22:52
Speaker 1: And at that moment and this was like I want
22:58
Speaker 1: to say it was about a year ago. I think
23:00
Speaker 1: it was last summer.
23:01
Speaker 3: I think it was a couple of years ago actually,
23:03
Speaker 3: because we kind of talked about it. I think it's
23:04
Speaker 3: been a couple of years. It seems like it's been
23:06
Speaker 3: a couple of years.
23:07
Speaker 1: It could be. And so in that moment when that
23:09
Speaker 1: conversation was over, I had to really sick because again
23:13
Speaker 1: abandonment rejection coming up right. Like we had this close friendship,
23:19
Speaker 1: we talked about whatever, and now I would get birthday texts,
23:25
Speaker 1: not a phone call, because we would call each other
23:27
Speaker 1: each other on our birthdays. Yeah, now it's a text.
23:31
Speaker 1: And the first time I got a text from her
23:33
Speaker 1: wishing me a happy birthday, I was just it was
23:35
Speaker 1: like devastating. I was like, Wow, this is this is
23:40
Speaker 1: where our friendship has gone now like I do no
23:46
Speaker 1: call you know, right? So I had to process all
23:49
Speaker 1: this within myself and and it's just the idea that
23:55
Speaker 1: abandonment isn't just with men or about the biological. It
24:01
Speaker 1: shows up in so many relationships until you can take
24:05
Speaker 1: the time to sit with it. And it's just layer
24:09
Speaker 1: after layer after layer. But the more we practice on
24:13
Speaker 1: healing those layers, the more we're aware when it shows up.
24:17
Speaker 1: So like your experience this morning in your history, and
24:22
Speaker 1: I'm because I've done this, and I'll just speak for
24:24
Speaker 1: myself in my history five years ago, ten years ago,
24:29
Speaker 1: twenty years ago, I would have hung onto that and
24:32
Speaker 1: beat myself up and I would have just crumbled myself
24:36
Speaker 1: mentally and emotionally over that experience like what you had.
24:42
Speaker 1: But noow, like you're like, this came up this morning,
24:46
Speaker 1: and this is how I'm feeling and right, and we
24:49
Speaker 1: have a conversation history would not have before healing processes,
24:55
Speaker 1: would never just hang on to it. Here I am
24:58
Speaker 1: I'm being an abandoned again. See not lovable, I'm being rejected.
25:02
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough for a relationship. I'm not good
25:05
Speaker 1: enough to be loved. He's he's more interested in his friend,
25:09
Speaker 1: like the entire story would it just kept reading, and
25:13
Speaker 1: then the silent treatment. I wouldn't have talked to you
25:15
Speaker 1: talked him for days. Fuck you? You want to go
25:17
Speaker 1: out and hang out with your friends and leave me home? Fine? Whatever, Right,
25:23
Speaker 1: Each experience is like, Okay, here I am again. Here
25:26
Speaker 1: I am. You're still hanging on to me, Here I
25:28
Speaker 1: am again. What do you want to do with this information?
25:30
Speaker 1: And so it's it's a continuous process until one day
25:35
Speaker 1: he's like, I'm going out with my friend. Trust me.
25:38
Speaker 1: My husband does the same thing. He left this morning.
25:41
Speaker 1: I probably won't see him until seven o'clock tonight. And
25:46
Speaker 1: I'm like, sweet, I got the house to myself. I'm
25:49
Speaker 1: rocking this right. I do things I want to do
25:51
Speaker 1: without the TV going and without whatever going on. And
25:55
Speaker 1: so it just keeps getting easier and easier because because
26:00
Speaker 1: we finally realize I don't need that person to be
26:04
Speaker 1: in this house for me to be happy. I don't
26:06
Speaker 1: need this person to feel feel avoided within me that
26:11
Speaker 1: I can't fill myself. And it's okay, it's his life too,
26:17
Speaker 1: and he has his choice. So I'm speaking from the
26:19
Speaker 1: standpoint of our relationship. With husband. He's got his life too.
26:24
Speaker 1: He has every right to go hang out with his friends,
26:26
Speaker 1: he has every right to go do whatever the hell
26:28
Speaker 1: he wants to do throughout the day, because it's about
26:31
Speaker 1: his integrity and his joy. And it's like, if you're
26:35
Speaker 1: going to be able to live with yourself with whatever
26:38
Speaker 1: choices you're making, Okay, that's that's on you. That's that
26:43
Speaker 1: is not about me.
26:45
Speaker 3: It's not a reflection on you.
26:46
Speaker 1: And I get to make the choices I want to
26:48
Speaker 1: make during my day while I get to enjoy peace
26:51
Speaker 1: and quiet in our house. So it's like, what what
26:57
Speaker 1: am I going to do with me? Yeah, it's time
27:00
Speaker 1: that I I could journal, I could meditate, I could
27:03
Speaker 1: do a house cleaning. I can do whatever I want
27:05
Speaker 1: to do. And to be honest, I get more done
27:09
Speaker 1: when he's not home. So there's that.
27:12
Speaker 3: I'm just saying, I'll clean the whole. I can clean
27:14
Speaker 3: the house and stuff when there's not anyone in there.
27:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, because then I don't feel like I like don't
27:20
Speaker 1: feel that obligation that I need to be sitting there
27:22
Speaker 1: with him as our time together. Yeah, I can just
27:27
Speaker 1: be up and do it, just do my thing. So anyway, A.
27:33
Speaker 3: Lot of similarities. But yeah, yeah, totally. And then I
27:36
Speaker 3: would agree with you as far as my dad goes,
27:38
Speaker 3: because and I think that there's some just because I've
27:41
Speaker 3: learned how to express myself doesn't mean that he knows
27:43
Speaker 3: how that just because I'm in the space where I
27:45
Speaker 3: could do an interview with you neutrally and gain all
27:47
Speaker 3: this information doesn't mean that he's in that same space.
27:50
Speaker 1: Right.
27:50
Speaker 3: And also it's just beyond all the words, just like
27:54
Speaker 3: my friend that I felt that abandoned me in April,
27:56
Speaker 3: you know that that was the end of the story.
27:58
Speaker 3: That was end of the book, was closed, put up
28:00
Speaker 3: on the shelf, and that's over not reading it anymore,
28:04
Speaker 3: don't I don't have to read it anymore. But that
28:05
Speaker 3: was an abandonment issue, that kind of it's like all
28:09
Speaker 3: of us is part of the journey, and does it
28:11
Speaker 3: always feel great? No, I mean it didn't feel bad.
28:14
Speaker 3: It was an emotional release. I'm very thankful for that.
28:17
Speaker 3: I'm I'm very thankful for that because it's like it
28:20
Speaker 3: gives me so much more understanding. And now that then
28:23
Speaker 3: it's processing it, like you said, it's just working through that,
28:26
Speaker 3: like not wanting to control things because that goes back
28:28
Speaker 3: to wanting to control things too, always trying to control myself.
28:39
Speaker 3: You froze up. Yeah, there you are here, I am here.
28:43
Speaker 3: You are So you're trying to control yourself and a
28:46
Speaker 3: lot of stuff, a lot of a lot of good emotions.
28:49
Speaker 3: It's all good emotions, the losing the control parts giving
28:53
Speaker 3: it up.
28:54
Speaker 1: And think about this too. It's it's about our perspective. Yeah,
28:59
Speaker 1: so from just in the friendship type of thing, my
29:04
Speaker 1: perspective was I was being abandoned and rejected. From their perspective,
29:11
Speaker 1: they have a whole different story going on. I have
29:13
Speaker 1: no idea what their story is. But when I'll go
29:16
Speaker 1: back to what I was talking about earlier, is that
29:19
Speaker 1: every time she may talk to me, it may be
29:27
Speaker 1: reminiscing or in her head, not necessarily in our conversation,
29:31
Speaker 1: but in her head that starts bringing up the discomfort,
29:35
Speaker 1: the pain of what her life was when we were close.
29:41
Speaker 1: And so this is her way to keep herself safe.
29:44
Speaker 1: It's his way to keep himself safe by not returning
29:49
Speaker 1: the calls to you or being able to sit and
29:52
Speaker 1: have a conversation. It's their way to keep themselves safe
29:55
Speaker 1: or disconnected or out of their own pain from their
30:00
Speaker 1: life experiences. And then we're sitting over here going you're
30:04
Speaker 1: abandoning me, you're rejecting me, right, and and it's two
30:08
Speaker 1: different stories. It's two different stories, and it's just when
30:14
Speaker 1: we start, it's like just changing our viewpoints about life.
30:20
Speaker 1: And really when it all comes up is it's about me.
30:25
Speaker 1: It's about me and me, So.
30:30
Speaker 3: It's true. And then there's times that we're just not
30:32
Speaker 3: in residence with other people. That's just the way that
30:34
Speaker 3: it is. There's no vibrational frequency match, and that's okay,
30:38
Speaker 3: that's that's less personal than anything because that's how it is.
30:42
Speaker 3: And we're all going through our own experiences of life.
30:46
Speaker 3: And it's like it just it all makes sense to
30:49
Speaker 3: me now. And believe me, I'm I'm forever grateful that
30:53
Speaker 3: my father didn't stay in my life. I don't think
30:56
Speaker 3: that he wasn't meant to stay in my life. That's
30:59
Speaker 3: just the way that it was. I mean, really, I don't.
31:02
Speaker 3: I don't have any qualms about that or any bad
31:04
Speaker 3: feelings about that. I just know that he wasn't meant
31:07
Speaker 3: to be in my life because that opened the doorway
31:08
Speaker 3: for more learning, for other things. Yeah, there was no
31:11
Speaker 3: more learning probably to be done in that situation, and
31:14
Speaker 3: I would probably still say the same thing because there
31:16
Speaker 3: is the conversations. There is no conversation, and I'm I'm
31:19
Speaker 3: okay with that. I don't feel the desire to reach out.
31:22
Speaker 3: And occasionally I will do it and he doesn't. He'll
31:26
Speaker 3: be like, he'll just be very short. I'll we'll talk
31:29
Speaker 3: about that sometime and then that's it. And that's okay
31:32
Speaker 3: because that's just where they're showing up. But again, I
31:34
Speaker 3: just know that it's where we're at as far as
31:36
Speaker 3: frequencies go. We're not on the same frequency. And I'm
31:39
Speaker 3: good with that. Yeah, I'm good with that.
31:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you keep you keep singing and dancing anyway, right,
31:47
Speaker 1: He said that I'm going to sing and dance me so.
31:50
Speaker 3: And I don't really know how to dance, so, but
31:52
Speaker 3: YouTube's got all kinds of dance on that. So that's what.
31:55
Speaker 3: I've got a list of things. And I'm going to
31:56
Speaker 3: spend a certain amount of time on this day Sunday
32:00
Speaker 3: that I'll be by myself. I'm gonna I'll do a
32:02
Speaker 3: little bit of cleaning, but I'm gonna do a lot
32:05
Speaker 3: of the other things. I'm gonna do a lot of
32:06
Speaker 3: the other things, because this is this is for We've
32:09
Speaker 3: got to start doing things for ourselves. We're so used
32:12
Speaker 3: to doing things for everybody else. And do like being
32:15
Speaker 3: afraid to say too much because I'm worried that he's
32:17
Speaker 3: it's gonna bother him and he's gonna walk away, or
32:19
Speaker 3: I don't have anything you know, valuable to stay, which
32:22
Speaker 3: has nothing to do with him. It just has to do.
32:24
Speaker 3: It goes all the way back to that abandonment, trying
32:27
Speaker 3: to control things. And but but that little girl, because
32:29
Speaker 3: that's what she knew, that's the only thing she knew.
32:32
Speaker 3: I can and I can only begin to imagine how
32:34
Speaker 3: my parents actually felt during that timeframe. But it's okay
32:39
Speaker 3: because I still got it. It's I still acknowledge my
32:41
Speaker 3: little girl. My little girl is justified in her feelings
32:44
Speaker 3: too so because before in the past, I'd always look
32:46
Speaker 3: at the duality, but I never considered by feelings well,
32:49
Speaker 3: you know, I would just consider their feelings. Well, my
32:52
Speaker 3: grandfather wasn't molested. Probably that's why he did the same
32:54
Speaker 3: things that he did. Or this is probably up because
32:56
Speaker 3: that's why he did the things he did. But then
32:59
Speaker 3: at some point I need process how this affected me
33:02
Speaker 3: or how my little girl feeled about that at that time.
33:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so this was this was a good conversation,
33:13
Speaker 1: just bringing awareness that it doesn't have to be a
33:18
Speaker 1: parent that abandoned you. There's a lot of kids on
33:22
Speaker 1: this planet who've been adopted and it's because for a while,
33:27
Speaker 1: not going to go into a list of reasons, but
33:28
Speaker 1: so many reasons why kids are adopted, and so it's
33:33
Speaker 1: a it's a learning to heal those those discomforts within
33:40
Speaker 1: yourself of why your parents gave you up for adoption,
33:44
Speaker 1: or why a parent left when you were a child,
33:47
Speaker 1: or even before you were born. It's it's to take
33:53
Speaker 1: this is an opportunity, just like I said earlier, for
33:55
Speaker 1: you to connect with yourself, to learn to love yourself
34:01
Speaker 1: and that feel like you have to depend on other
34:03
Speaker 1: people to feel loved. I feel like this is a
34:07
Speaker 1: true for many people on this planet to be able
34:10
Speaker 1: to connect with themselves and in a loving space and
34:15
Speaker 1: to heal their mental, emotional, spiritual wounds to actually live
34:22
Speaker 1: in joy in this life and find the joys that
34:24
Speaker 1: are in life. Joys have been around us all the time,
34:28
Speaker 1: we just haven't been in that space to really recognize them.
34:32
Speaker 1: And when you get more and more in tune with
34:34
Speaker 1: yourself and be able to see those joys, that life
34:39
Speaker 1: is way more beautiful than you thought it was. And
34:42
Speaker 1: so it may take some time, and that's okay. Just
34:45
Speaker 1: give yourself some ease and grace as you move through
34:47
Speaker 1: these layers, these opportunities to heal, and know that you're
34:54
Speaker 1: not alone. As you have heard in this conversation, you're
34:57
Speaker 1: not alone when it comes to feeling abandoned, rejected. But
35:02
Speaker 1: just stay the course and have the conversations. There's other
35:07
Speaker 1: people that are are in that same space with you,
35:10
Speaker 1: and so have the conversations. Or be resourceful and share
35:13
Speaker 1: the videos, share the content, share the books, the the
35:17
Speaker 1: the the spiritual teachings, whatever it is that resonates with
35:22
Speaker 1: you and helps you. And also when you're sharing, you
35:26
Speaker 1: know our podcasts or anybody else's podcasts, that you're helping
35:30
Speaker 1: the content creators, you're helping the person who is seeking
35:35
Speaker 1: the information. You're that bridge. So you can find us
35:39
Speaker 1: on YouTube. We're on social media facebooks, Breaker, Spotify, Instagram,
35:49
Speaker 1: podcast attic. So there's many, many areas of this vast
35:57
Speaker 1: amount of platforms. Trying to find the words vast out
36:00
Speaker 1: of platforms where you can find us, so share it,
36:03
Speaker 1: help others. You don't have to specifically have those conversations,
36:08
Speaker 1: but be resourceful. So with that, do you any final words, Bev?
36:13
Speaker 3: I would just say if anyone's out there struggling or
36:15
Speaker 3: trying to find different ways of processing this and you're
36:19
Speaker 3: not finding anything online, we're always available. It's going to
36:23
Speaker 3: be available at certain times, but we can be available.
36:27
Speaker 3: So it's just making sure that people understand to reach
36:30
Speaker 3: out because we came here to feel we're in this
36:34
Speaker 3: whole suit that's nothing but an antenna. It's picking up
36:38
Speaker 3: feelings and stuff all the time, and we're here for
36:40
Speaker 3: you and thanks for being here for us.
36:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, so, ally of your questions or comments in the
36:46
Speaker 1: in the comment box and we'll come back to them.
36:49
Speaker 1: And if there's ever any topic that you would like
36:53
Speaker 1: for us to have a conversation about, then we're open
36:56
Speaker 1: for those suggestions as well. Just know that Bev and
36:59
Speaker 1: I have organic conversations. We never plan what we're going
37:03
Speaker 1: to say and what we're going to talk about. We
37:05
Speaker 1: just show up and see what happened. So with that,
37:08
Speaker 1: thanks for hanging out with us. To time with Amy
37:10
Speaker 1: and Bev and remember to be more loving to yourself.