Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 165 - Derek

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 165 - Derek · Recovery Chronicles

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Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into the inspiring journeys of
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individuals who have triumphed over adversity and found healing and resilience on the path to
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recovery from drugs and alcohol. We'll sit down with people who have embrace changed
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and emerged stronger than ever. Get ready to be uplifted, motivated, and
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empowered as we embark on a journey of healing, growth, and possibility.
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Welcome back to the Recovery Chronicles. Today we have Darek here to share his
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story. Thank you for being with us today. Yeah, of course.
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So what is your drug of choice and how long have you been sober?
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I'd say methanmphetamine and I have been sober seven months and eighteen days. Awesome.
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How did your using start out? Like? How old were you?
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Started using? When I was fourteen thirteen around there, Just started drinking on
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the weekends, smoking weed, just kind of the basic stuff. What drew
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you to the drinking and smoking weed? I guess I always grew up with
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it around on the house, but uh, just kind of the people I
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was hanging around, they were drinking. I saw my older sister drinking and
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it just kind of it's what you do, I feel like in North Dakota.
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So I just picked it up and fell in love with it. Sure,
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it was like a social thing, yep. Okay, Where did it
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head from there? What did you usually look like after that? Like during
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school or just kind of? Yeah? So you started drinking at the age
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of fourteen, and then when did it change? Well, it didn't change
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to harder stuff. I mean throughout school I racked up like four well till
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at twenty one, I racked up like fourteen fifteen minor consumptions smoked weed I
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tried, I was prescribed adderall. I have pretty bad ADHD and I started
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kind of messing around with that. So I progressed throughout school. I didn't
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get into any harder stuff until I got out of high school around like eighteen
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years old, probably okay, and then what happened? Did you have any
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sorry going back? Did you have any probation or like youth incarcerations due to
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the multiple mips? Oh? Yeah, I started out at thirteen or fourteen
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when I got sent to YCC for stealing out of cars, got a felony
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for that, and then all the minors after it was like every year after
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that, I was on probation. I might get off for like a month
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or two, and then I'd get right back on. Was on drug court
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as a juvenile. Okay, did you complete that? Yep? I actually
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completed that, like the second fastest at the time. Nice. Yeah,
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So you had some sobriety throughout your adolescence, yeah, forced, forced,
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and it wasn't real sobriety. I was when I first got sober. This
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last time, I was like, yeah, I did a you're sober because
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of drug court and I looking back on it, I was on spice or
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like the fake marijuana. Okay, sure, basically the whole time because they
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couldn't test for it or what so I mean allying the whole way through to
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acting like I was doing good and stuff. Yeah, so you turn eighteen,
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what happens? Did you graduate from high school? I did? Okay,
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so eighteen eighteen. My girlfriend at the time, her stepdad worked at
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a for construction company. I got hired on with him, and like it
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was just kind of the things we did. We drank after work, we'd
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go have beers at the shop, stuff like that, and the whole time
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my buddies were doing math, and they were kind of kind of like keeping
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me from it, and I was like, I can do it, Like,
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especially if you guys are doing it, it's fine for me to do
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it. So I started doing it. Then I just would do it on
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the weekends. Her mom was an addiction counselor so I like made sure she
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didn't ever find out. And yeah, I just kind of progressed into my
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twenties. I started drinking more. I was probably drinking more than I was
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using math at that time. His weekends, YadA YadA, and then it
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kind of became a daily thing eventually. But yeah, I lost, lost
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the girl, lost the apartment, lost it all. Yeah, what age
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was that? At twenty three? I think she finally had enough. She
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put up with my stuff for like eight years. But any incarcerations or prison
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time, no prison time. There's a couple stints in jail, nothing serious.
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I'd bail out every time, or I'd see a judge and they'd let
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me out. It was nothing too serious. Towards the end there, I
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had a judge tell me that if she sees me in her courtroom again,
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that I'm gonna be going to prison. And luckily I didn't see her in
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her courtroom. Yeah, perfect, knock on wood. Right. So the
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girlfriend breaks up with you, you lose your job, You're twenty three years
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old, you're still using maths. What happened after that? After the breakup,
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I just kind of I didn't really know how to handle it. I
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just kind of gave up on everything. And then I was hitting the bars
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really hard trying to cope with that. Ended up finding another girl that she
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used, and so now I didn't have to be a closet tweaker no more.
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You know, I could go out and use and do all the stuff
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that drug addicts do. You I wasn't hiding it from no one, and
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I thought that was gonna be like the greatest thing in the world. And
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it was for you know, a while, but she ended up getting pregnant,
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ended up having a kid. The whole time, she was like trying
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to stop, and for a while she did, like towards the end of
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the pregnancy, for a good chunk of it, she finally did. The
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whole time, I was using using at the birth of my kid in the
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hospital, after he was born, like the doctors were still in there,
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I went in the bathroom and I was snorting meth in the bathroom stall.
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Well there's doctors in there. Just like the insanity of it all, Like
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didn't care, you know, I just yeah, did she know you were
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doing that? I don't think I ever told her that. Okay, I
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don't think she'd really care. Just yeah, kind of curious of what her
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take was on that during that time. But okay, so you have a
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son you're using, well, he's born. What happened. It was during
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COVID when this all happened, and like, so we were getting like stimulus
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checks. Neither of us were working. She got applied for like the ndie
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rent help. So I guess, let me backtrack for a while. We
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were staying with her mom, and her mom was sick at the time,
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and like it just wasn't the best environment, you know, kind of for
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my kid type thing. So and we're it was in an apartment, and
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so we had me, her and that baby in her little room of the
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apartment. And so I went and talked to my parents and they agreed to
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let us move in for a while to get up back on her feet.
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YadA ya da, the whole works, and eventually we I mean, we
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moved in with them for a couple of months we were getting these checks.
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Wasn't no money was going I wasn't trying to find a job. I was
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just having fun with the unemployment checks, the stimulus checks, all that sort
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of thing. And eventually I think she was felt awkward living there. So
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we went and got a she applied for andy rent help. When we got
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an apartment, moved in there, and everything was great, aside from the
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drugs. The whole time I was doing drugs, but like, was she
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using at this point as well? At the point she was So, your
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son didn't test positive. No, No, he did not, No,
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but I think there was she like early on she tested, They did something,
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and they test her and she was positive for meth. So CPS was
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involved. We got through all that, everything was all good. But yeah,
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then we had an apartment, had a little family, you know,
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everything was great. I ended up getting a job at Northwest contracting to do
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concrete again, doing all these things. And then eventually her ex got out
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of prison, and within a week of that, she decided that, you
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know, she wanted to see him and stuff, and so she kicked me
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out of the place. And yeah, within like a couple of weeks he
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was living in their type thing and yeah, so kind of a hit at
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your ego again, Yeah, definitely, how did you deal with that?
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I didn't do with that at all. I was just emotionally a wreck,
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trying to do anything, say anything to get her back, you know,
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all these things, and it my parents are divorced, and like that was
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a really hard thing for me growing up to deal with, always feeling like
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I didn't have a home and I'd see friends with you know, their families,
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and like I just wanted that, envied that to have an actual,
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you know, family type thing. And both my I have stepdad and stepmom
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and they're great. You know, in reality, I did have a good
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family life, but it was just wasn't my actual parents type thing I told
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myself. But so I wanted that for my kids so bad and so like
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it just tore me apart. I didn't know how to handle that. Eventually
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just gave up, stopped going to work. I think I got stopped showing
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up at my mom's house because I moved back in with my mom after all
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that, and yeah, I just was I mean, drugs consume me every
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day, every minute of every day, and yeah, it brought me to
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a really dark place for sure. How old were you at this point,
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oh, twenty six, twenty seven, okay, twenty six probably, Okay,
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So at no point during this were you thinking this is a problem.
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No, it was just another excuse. It was a thing. I could
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blame it on, sure, because when we were together, I mean I
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was working, she was staying at home watching him. We were both doing
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drugs, but like it was manageable, you will quote unquote functioning. Yeah,
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and like it because it was never to the point that like when we
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were using, I mean we didn't our kid wasn't around, like, you
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know, we went out to the garage, you know, we kind of
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separated it. But yeah, after this and like it was just an excuse
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to keep using, and it was just like I'm spiral out of control because
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of she did this to me. She left me for him, She ruined
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our family, she she she you know, and I didn't want to take
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any you know, part in that and be like admitting that, Okay,
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like I might have been at fault in some of those things. You know,
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maybe I wasn't showing up how I should have been. And after that,
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just because this happened, it shouldn't get me an excuse to keep on
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spiring, spiraling out of control. But I just didn't look at it as
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like a problem my whole life, I've never really looked at my addiction as
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a problem. I've acknowledged that it might be problematic at the time, but
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I never wanted to admit I was an alcoholic or a drug addict, because
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that meant I had to change. Like if I just just had a problem,
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if I just maybe drank more than you, were used more than you,
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I can figure it out, you know. I always thought someday I'll
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figure it out and be able to, you know, do this functioning.
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But so, at what point did you realize that wasn't gonna happen? About
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seven or as far as that I was gonna become functioning, probably like seven
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eight months ago, I mean probably longer than that. I this past year
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or two, I went to a couple of stints and treatment, kind of
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probation was the reason for it. But uh, how'd you get on probation
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from the stuff? As a kid? Like I just never really got off.
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But then I think there was a stint. I was off for a
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little bit, but I'd get a DUI or then I got some meth charges,
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paraphernalia stuff like that. I would have brass knuckles or illegal knives that
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you're not supposed to have and get pulled over for stuff like that. And
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so I have a couple concealed weapons charges and a couple three four felonies or
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something. For So how long were you on this? I think you said
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bad stint or downward spiral before your probation officer was like, you need to
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go to treatment. I made it a while, Actually there was because I
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at that time I was I think I was on on supervised probation, and
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so I got like a charge here and like they were kind of placed out
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far enough to where it didn't really they weren't doing nothing. I got placed
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on supervised probation and it took I don't know, I think I got out
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on pre trial release and like because eventually I went to jail and it took
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a while for them to kind of step in. Or I guess there was
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like a six seven month I was on the run, if you will,
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just had some warrants, So I wasn't showing up to any meetings, wasn't
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you know, dealing with them. Eventually I got pulled over again, went
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back to jail, and then they'd say like, hey, you need to
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start figuring stuff out. Go to treatment. I think I signed up for
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outpatient treatment and just to get them off my back. I had no intentions
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of stopping all those things. I was going to try to fake, fake
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your own samples or do something, you know, figure something out. I
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just knew if I did it went then he'd be off my back today and
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I didn't have to worry about that type of thing. So again, they're
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the problem, not you. Yeah, one hundred percent. Yeah, it's
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always the cops. It's so you enrolling outpatient treatment don't really have intentions of
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following through what happens. Well, around that time, my best friend Saye
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passed away, and so I just kind of stopped showing up to treatment.
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There was a stint I was gonna go to the oil field with them because
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they had just got out of prison. They were on the rigs and their
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life was looking good, and my life was I was homeless, sleeping at
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Walmart in a stolen vehicle, and they came and saw me and they're like,
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dude, this is like hurt seeing you, Like this You've always had
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it together, and at this point I didn't. So I went to treatment
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kind of for probation and the thought of, like, I'll get out and
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go to the oil field and life's gonna be great, you know. Yeah,
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And then like two months later, my best friend passed away due to
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a fetanol overdose. And that's when, like I just I spiraled out of
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control. I was two months clean or sober at the time, and that's
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when I stopped showing up to a group. Treatment was going pretty well up
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until that point, you know, I was enjoying my counselor enjoying going to
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the outpatient group. But then after that, yeah, I just gave up.
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Me and his brother just kind of went on a meth rampage. And
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I mean I was went and saw him and I was high getting high again,
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like five minutes of being in the house when I saw him, you
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know, I mean, first I went to go see him and there it
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was the worst, you know, thing I've ever had to witness, as
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far as like for my buddies, I've never seen them, and that terrible
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of a state. Him and his mom were just distraught about the whole thing,
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as one would be yeah, but yeah, then the next day,
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like after that, you know, kind of calmed down. We I had
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a needle in my arm again and off to the races. Why do you
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think that is that I used to comfort me? It was a good excuse.
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You know, I didn't know how to handle the emotions. I don't
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know how to throughout my life. There's been a lot of internal stuff that
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has been going on and I just don't know how to cope with it or
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don't know how to manage it. And and drugs and alcohol have always been
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my solution for them. They've always masked all that stuff. They just fixed
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it and numbed me. I didn't care about it, and it just seemed
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like the only way I was going to get through this. And I haven't
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dealt with a lot of death or stuff in my life, but like that
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one was real close to me, and it that one just seems so you
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know, you're never gonna see this person again, You're never gonna hear this
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person's voice again. It's like I don't and this this person was he was
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a big part of my life of like, I have a lot of my
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self esteem. Isn't the best? YadA YadA all these things throughout life,
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and he always was like the one that was like just hype me up,
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you know, and and made me feel like like I'm good enough, yeah,
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YadA, all these things, and like so I was like, oh
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my god, it just I just didn't know how to get through that sober.
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Yeah, and at the end of the day, like it was just
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another excuse for my addiction to be like we're we're coming back, We're about
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to have some fun again, and that's all it was. It was a
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wrap after that. Yeah, how long did that last? Uh? It
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lasted a couple of months, So that happened. I found out a day
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after my birthday. So that was January seventeenth, the day I found out,
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and lasted like a good pushed it out for like a month or so
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with treatment, maybe a month and a half. I'd keep lying and be
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like, hey, we gotta go do YadA YadA for the funeral or you
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know, and I would be going with his family and we would be going
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doing stuff, but the whole time we're getting high. You know. It
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was mainly just an excuse to not have to show up and might get a
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ua YadA YadA all the things, and just so I could keep using because
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if I can spin that into my advantage of like, oh, I'll just
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make them feel bad for me. You know, I just went through this
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really hard thing there, not going to really push it too much that I'm
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gonna have a gray speriod the whole time. I want I'm gonna eventually get
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clean again. You know, that was in the back of my head,
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like I'll figure it out. I just need another week, another week,
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you know, to deal with this, Like I might have a good couple
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days, and then the thoughts come in of like oh, you know,
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just all the of it, or his brother would be going through a hard
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time that day, and then so then we're getting high stuff. M So
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how long? So you said, like about a month and then what happened,
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Oh, my my treatment counselor called my probation officer and said it wasn't
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that group wasn't showing up. And so I I passed out in front of
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my mom's house and the driveway and uh, I woke up to a knock
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at the window and I see my probation officer and another cop standing there,
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and I was like, hey, escorted me to treatment. I was sure
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I was going to jail that day, but they just brought me to treatment.
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And then I spoke with my counselor that day and she's like, I
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think you need to do impatient And she's like, what do you think about
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that? And I was like, I don't know. I don't quite think
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it's that bad. She's like, bro, you just got awakened by your
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PO you know, like the cops just brought you here. It's not looking
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too good. And again I wasn't still thinking. It was like I was
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like, yeah, but I'm dealing with a lot right now. You know,
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my life's been miserable for all these external things have made my life not
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you know, my own doing. And so I I did agree, but
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mainly yeah, to just be like, okay, I'm sure my PEO wants
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me to do impatience. So that was the only reason I did that.
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Yeah, And then I did my state of impatient at one oh one.
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I hated it. I was miserable there, spent the first week, like
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I remember one of the texts. Finally they I heard they were going to
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the YMCA, and I was like so mad because they weren't gonna let me
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go because I wasn't off of like red status or whatever, and I like
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scared her enough to go ask someone I don't remember who she probably have sdu.
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I was like Canderreco to the y And Yeah, ended up enjoying my
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time there though there was a good group of people there. I just wasn't
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willing to work on the things. I did get a process the death of
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my buddy pretty well, but I wasn't working on much other than that,
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so I didn't and I had to get back to life. You know,
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I'm my dad, I'm doing all these things then. I mean I wasn't
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being a dad at the time. My mom was taking care of my kids.
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So it's like I had all these excuses why I needed to get out
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early and why you know everything's gonna be fine, just to get out and
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have a needle in my arm, like first twenty thirty minutes of me being
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out of treatment, right, So what happened from there? Then went to
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outpatient, faked all that for a while again again. Yeah, and this
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time I put on some weight and YadA YadA, so I wasn't looking all
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strung out, and this time I had it. I was fooling them pretty
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good. And I'm pretty sure I was. I don't know, but in
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my head everyone was telling me, They're like, you look really good,
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YadA. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I got this, dude,
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and uh and I did for a little bit. And I think I
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missed, like I was, I was holding it together long enough. I
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mean it was it was definitely if they hadn't already noticed it was coming.
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But uh, my outpatient counselor left Hartview and went to another treatment facility or
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whatever, and and I was really like, I really connected with her in
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it. So I was like, God, like I I didn't want to
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go after that. I met my new counselor like the following week, and
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I just was like, Nope, I don't like this lady. Like you
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know, I liked the group I was in, YadA YadA, all this
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stuff. And so I made it half a day. We went and took
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lunch at noon, and I went to the bar and played. I was
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I was just gonna play the slots at the bar for like thirty minutes and
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then go back to group. But I was like, no, we're not
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doing this. Yeah, And so then I just stopped showing to treatment.
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Showing up to treatment just getting high again, just running around doing my thing.
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And I think that lasted for another gosh, I don't even know,
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a handful of months, four or five months something like that. I yeah,
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just was running rampant, like, didn't wasn't showing up to my po,
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wasn't doing none of the things, wasn't seeing my kid. I didn't
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enjoy going to see him unless I was high. All I wanted to do
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was sleep. I think I was somewhat staying at my mom's house for a
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while there. She eventually kicked me out because not only was she taking care
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of my kids, she was taking care of me. Upon getting sober.
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Now, she's told me that, like she used to watch me, I'd
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be like sleeping, and I'd like twitch and all these things, and I'd
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be sleeping for like, you know, twenty plus hours, and she like
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didn't know if I was alive or not, you know, And it just
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caused her a lot of stress. So she ended up kicking me out.
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Spent a lot of time hanging out with my buddy Zaye, who passed away
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his brother Chase. We were just running around the streets to Bismark Mandan doing
24:51
whatever we want. Eventually, I got my car, uh impounded. I
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got pulled over and the cop I had a bunch of stolen stuff in the
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back of my car, and uh, the cop I just wanted to search
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my car and it was the canine unit and so he ended up running the
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dog dogs smelled drugs. I had needles. I don't think he didn't find
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any drugs, but yeah, I've had a bunch of stolen stuff. And
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called the dude who had some check checklinks and had the guy's name on there.
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So eventually he finds the guy's number, you know, calls him whatever,
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and so I'm getting hauled off to jail again and my car is getting
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impounded like it. I sat the weekend, and then on that Monday,
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he uh, I get called over the intercom saying to pack my stuff.
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And I was like, I haven't even seen a judge like some I'm tripping
25:53
out about that. I'm like calling my buddy. I was like, you
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gotta come get me now. I'm like speed walking away from the jail.
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Come to find out that they he had a bogus reason of pulling me over
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so they couldn't charge me. But yeah, I didn't find that out until
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like I got sober because I wasn't about to call and because I was like
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afraid that maybe the jail messed up. They let me out and I wasn't
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supposed to be let out. So I'm just gonna We're gonna deal with that
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whenever, you know, if I get picked up again, YadA YadA,
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all the things. And that was mid summer ish. So in life was
26:30
pretty manageable there because, you know, even though I didn't have like setting
26:34
stone places to stay every night, I would go if I needed to go
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crash out in Walmart parking lot. I had my vehicle, you know,
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so I had shelter. I was able to make it around and do things.
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It's a lot harder trying to go steal stuff out of storage units or
26:49
break into people's garages when you are on longboard. So but uh yeah,
26:56
I was spent the next couple of months longboarding around town. We uh I.
27:03
And this whole time, I swore off doing fetanyl after my buddy passed
27:07
away. I didn't it really wasn't my thing anyhow. But uh, like
27:14
a month after I get out of jail, there, I my baby mama
27:17
hits me up and she's like, do you wanna, you know. We
27:19
went over to her storage unit and we're hanging out there and she asked me
27:22
if I want to use fetanyl, asked me if I want to take a
27:26
hit or whatnot. And I'm like, yeah, sure, I don't have
27:29
any you know, drugs, no meth on me. So I do and
27:32
uh, We're laying there and I was like, do you have happened to
27:33
have narcan on you? Like, just was double checking, just to make
27:37
sure I felt fine. And but the last thing I remember her saying was
27:41
no, so if you flop, it's on you. And next thing I
27:45
know, I'm waking up in the ambulance. Luckily she called. But yeah,
27:51
I took one hit and it was lights out, and I just remember
27:53
thinking, like, my kid almost lost his dad with his mom being there,
28:00
you know, we were doing drugs together, and it just that didn't
28:04
sit right with me. I knew I had more potential than this. Knew
28:10
I was supposed to be doing better things than this. So I did the
28:14
whole you know, went to the hospital. Narc and me that was hell.
28:18
Never want to go through that again. Puguing. I'd keep passing out
28:22
because my heart would stop beating. And they'd nark and me again, just
28:26
the vicious cycle. They knark ady like four or five times, and it
28:30
was not fun. But yeah, so I went end up after that,
28:34
like a month later, immediately start going doing drugs again. I think the
28:41
next day I was shooting up again, shooting meth just like nothing had stopped.
28:47
My chest hurt from the chest compressions. But like in my head,
28:52
I was like, actually, I think when I shoot up, my chest
28:53
feels better. Just insanity, you know what's going on in my head.
28:59
But uh, end up in Heartview again. How that happened? Uh?
29:06
I had some cases that were coming up, and like, so in between
29:12
the times of the two stents at Heartview this past year, my probation officer
29:18
had to do some more training. She wasn't fully a probation officer yet or
29:21
something, and so I got reassigned and my new probation officer was the old
29:26
chief of police. And I heard this and I was like, oh,
29:30
like, that's not gonna be good. So I in the back of my
29:34
head, I was like, you better get you know, get this stuff
29:37
done. And he was telling me like, hey, you have all these
29:40
cases coming up, and one of them was At the start of this,
29:44
I talked about the judge that said, if you show up in my courtroom
29:48
again, you're going to prison. Her court date was coming up, so
29:52
I was like, all right, I'll go to treatment, and yeah,
29:56
that's how I ended up there again. Just the probation wasn't dealing with you
30:00
know, the wreckage of my past stuff like that. But yeah, then
30:04
that one I I really actually dug in and started doing some work. Both
30:10
both times, I I didn't like being there at the beginning, but both
30:17
times I had amazing counselors that you know, dealt with my kind of BS.
30:22
I didn't like going to the groups unless we're like working with counselors.
30:26
I didn't like the all the extra curriculum. I can't say that word.
30:32
All the extra stuff I didn't enjoy. But uh, I really got to
30:34
dig into, like, you know, my past stuff. I gotta do
30:40
a closing letter to or closure letter to my ex. Just kind of dug
30:47
into a lot of stuff, you know, with my dad, not him
30:52
not being like always around, YadA YadA, the just uh, the internal
30:55
stuff that was going on inside of me that I didn't really want to deal
30:59
with. But that counselor really worked with me with a lot of stuff.
31:04
And I went to a conference here in town and I saw someboddies of mine
31:10
that had been to sober living and they're like, hey, have you ever
31:14
thought of checking out sober living? And I was like, no, dude,
31:17
not for me. Yeah, like not doing that stuff. I'm glad
31:22
that worked for you, but it's not gonna for me. But by the
31:25
end of my stint at Heartview, I decided I should do it. So
31:29
I signed up for sober Living because I looked at their lives and they seem
31:33
happy. They have all these things nice, you know, nice clothes,
31:36
nice car. They one of them owns his own business. Uh. But
31:41
ultimately they seemed happy. That's what really got me. And I was like,
31:45
I want to be happy and I want to be a dad and I'm
31:48
not doing it. You know, I'm not happy and I'm not being a
31:51
father to my kid at all. And so I mean, yeah, I
31:55
made the choice to go to sober living and I signed up. When I
31:59
got out, I went to my brother's wedding that weekend. I got out,
32:02
and on the way there they called me and said I got accepted,
32:06
and I would be coming in on a Wednesday, and yeah, it was
32:10
the whole time that's going on. I'm telling myself, I don't need to
32:14
go. Had an amazing weekend with my family for my brother's wedding. Got
32:20
to be a dad that weekend, and I convinced myself I don't need to
32:22
be in sober living, you know, like I'm sober now. I got
32:25
it under control. I worked on some stuff. I'm fixed, and I
32:29
don't need to do this. You know, did you stay sober at your
32:31
brother's wedding? I did. I went no elcoll went into bars. Uh
32:37
hung out. I went into a bar and my stepmom saw me in her
32:39
eyes, she was like a hawk. She like, came over, do
32:43
you need anything? Do you want something to drink? I could get you
32:44
a coke, blub blah all these things. I was like, yeah,
32:46
sure, you know, and like the whole time they watched me, I
32:51
mean it was fun. Uh that wasn't really much of a trigger. I
32:53
was just glad to be a part of it. I missed out so much
32:57
the past how many years of like Christmases, YadA, YadA, all the
33:01
things I had just missed out, And it felt really cool. To be
33:05
there because my brother was telling my sister like he's like, I feel like
33:08
I don't even have like a brother anymore, Like I don't even know him
33:13
anymore, because I don't even remember the last time me and him got to
33:16
hang out, you know, probably been the last four or five years.
33:22
But yeah, it was awesome. But trying to convince myself that I don't
33:25
need all this stuff, and that week comes, you know, on Wednesday's
33:31
rolling around and I don't want to disappoint my mom because I like told her
33:36
already YadA YadA, all this stuff. And so I'm packing my bag to
33:40
go to sober living and I found a needle in a bottom of a can
33:45
that had some residue, and I had no intentions of you know, doing
33:52
it, but like the more I packed the clothes to the bag because I
33:54
was like, I'm going to sober living. Like I saw the can,
33:57
it's not even enough to get me high, but you know, I'm packing
34:04
and packing, and then eventually the next thing I know, I'm in my
34:07
in the bathroom again and I'm scraping this can up, trying to get any
34:10
little bit I can, you know, and I end up shooting it up,
34:15
didn't feel nothing, just enough to when I get to the Sober living
34:19
and to do do the intake drug the UA. There I failed the UA.
34:23
So then I proceeded to lie about it and say that, you know,
34:28
I just got a treatment I haven't used for the last month. And
34:31
the house leader at the time looked at me like, bro, I'm an
34:35
addict, Like, don't lie to me. You feel for meth, like,
34:37
I know that's not in your system still, And so eventually I owned
34:42
up to it. And I think I was trying to self sabotage. I
34:44
think I wanted to you know, and maybe it was a last for ale,
34:49
like I just wanted to feel that feeling one more time. I think
34:52
it was a mix of a lot of things. I just I was scared
34:54
of going there, you know whatever. But and maybe it was I just
35:00
wanted to use one last time. But yeah, they and they didn't kick
35:04
me out. They accepted me. They just told me, you know,
35:07
be honest about it, which I was. And yeah, I've been there
35:10
ever since for the last seven months. How's that going. It's been a
35:16
blessing. Yeah. I from the get go, it was scary, you
35:22
know, just like anytime you go to treatment or do all these things.
35:25
You know, you're you're the odd one out, you're the new one.
35:29
But it took a couple of weeks for me to get adjusted. And you
35:32
know, these the guys in there have become like brothers. They're they're they're
35:43
all in there, you know, doing the same thing. We're all searching
35:45
for the same goal, and that's to find a happy life, a sober
35:47
life, you know. And it it's been one of the most helpful things
35:52
because when the times I'm like, try to tell myself, I don't need
35:54
to be here. This isn't working for me. The rules are too strict,
35:58
all the things they tell me, I'm being dumb, you know,
36:00
and they can say it in the fun you know whatever. And just I
36:04
think it was a month I was there, one of the guys is like,
36:06
who shot your dog? Like this day, I was just bummed out,
36:08
and I was like, this guy doesn't even know me, but he
36:12
already knows me, you know, And it just kind of blew my mind
36:14
that like I'm getting to know these guys, and you know, I'm enjoying
36:19
my time here, and like we get to go do all this stuff,
36:22
we go help out. You know, at meetings, we we do a
36:25
lot of service work. But even doing that stuff, I hated doing that,
36:30
and it's like, but we we have fun doing it. And it
36:32
just goes to show that all these things that I never thought I could do
36:37
sober, I'm getting to do with a group of guys, and and I
36:43
get to involve my recovery into that too, which is awesome. I never
36:47
thought i'd be going to AA meetings, never thought, never wanted to.
36:52
I would go in treatment just to get out of treatment for the hour or
36:57
whatever and maybe see some pretty girls. Uh, that's was the extent of
37:01
that. I didn't and I might listen for a little bit, but the
37:04
first person that said something I didn't agree with, I just shut out.
37:07
I didn't I didn't know that. You know, not every message is for
37:10
me. Not every person is speaking is speaking to me that so I just
37:15
but I'd shut it out. And I'm so thankful for my sober living.
37:21
Because I went to caym to air NA meetings, I was too scared and
37:25
I didn't like I felt so uncomfortable. I have a lot of anxiety,
37:30
and it like it was just a blessing to go there. With a group
37:31
of guys, a group of people that I trust, you know, I'm
37:34
comfortable with, and they force you. I mean, they don't force you,
37:37
but to be in the sober living I'm in, you have to attend
37:42
fourteen right away when once you first get there, and then eventually once you
37:45
get a job and work over twenty hours, you can do seven a week.
37:50
But uh so, yeah, we every week we're hitting at least seven.
37:54
You know, in some weeks you hit more. But it's definitely been
37:59
a blessing. I heard it that I would trade my worst day sober for
38:06
my best stay high, and like I thought it was such a dumb thing
38:07
because I like I had some fun times getting high, a lot of fun
38:12
times, you know, but like it's so true because my mind tells me,
38:15
I those fun times are like what getting high really was, and it's
38:21
not. It's the dark times. You know. It took me to such
38:22
a dark place, and there's way more of those than there was the fun
38:28
times. But yeah, it's definitely just been a blessing. Yeah, not
38:34
trying to blast anyone out, so I won't say names, But do you
38:36
still hang out with Zane's brother? No, keep in contact? Keep in
38:40
contact. Has it been hard to remove or distance yourself from that relationship?
38:49
Yes, yes, and no. I think there was a lot of guilt
38:52
or a lot of like I felt like, because he you know, he's
38:57
still dealing with the loss of his brother, but you're not really dealing with
39:01
it when you're using, right, you know, as soon as you start
39:04
feeling those feelings, you just mask it and you forget about it. And
39:07
uh yeah, I felt guilty for leaving him, and I was like,
39:13
so if I go get excuse me, if I go get sober, then
39:17
I just left him because they told me that you have to change people,
39:21
places and things. And I was like, well, that's like my family.
39:23
How can I just leave him? You know, like I have to
39:25
help him, but my I mean my sober living, I'm Matt won't allow
39:30
me to see him hang out with anyone using. And it's been okay,
39:37
you know. I I I stay in contact with him. I call him
39:42
every now and again. And the thing I've learned is that I get to
39:46
be the light for him. I get to show him that it's possible,
39:50
you know. I get to hit him up and be like, hey,
39:52
do you want to hit a meeting. Do you want to you know it,
39:55
do you want to do all these things? Or like sign up for
39:59
sober living? You know, I get to show him like, hey,
40:00
dude, I'm happy, like and this can be you two. Whether he
40:06
does or not, you know, that's that's on him. But I just
40:08
get to keep trying to encourage that and keep showing like, hey, you
40:12
know, like there is light at the end of this tunnel. It gets
40:15
better. And the biggest thing now is I get to pray for him.
40:22
Yeah. I hated God when I got to this program, when I got
40:24
to Sober Living. I you know, he did all these things to me,
40:28
blah blah blah, all this stuff, and I didn't know how to
40:31
pray and stuff. But that's been Like I pray every morning, I do.
40:35
I meditate every morning, and those are the things. I get to
40:38
pray for people, my loved ones. I get to pray, you know,
40:43
for God to remove things from me, for for me him to give
40:45
me strength, you know, remove my character defects. All these things I
40:49
get to ask him to do. I getta say thanks for my day,
40:52
you know, I get to do all this stuff. But uh, and
40:55
it just baffles me that at some point, I didn't never would have thought
41:00
that, like to pray for him, you know, like I do a
41:05
million different things. I would stay out in the midst of addiction to try
41:07
to help him then rather than pray for him and you know, ask God
41:12
to help with these things. And I think it's a beautiful thing because I
41:16
didn't I didn't want to pray to a god when I first got in the
41:21
house, and they talk about in a of that a doorknob can be your
41:24
higher power. And that's what really caught my eye, was like talking with
41:29
my sponsor of like, what's your you know, you have a choice of
41:31
your own higher power. I didn't know if it were. I wanted to
41:34
be God whatever, you know, all these things. But he just said,
41:37
can you be willing that there is a God? And I was like,
41:39
yeah, I mean I believed in shadow people at one time, so
41:45
I hope I can believe in a higher power, you know, And so
41:49
yeah, I said, you know, I can believe. I came became
41:52
willing to believe, and upon doing that, I got to I just started
41:58
praying to my buddy, started talking to my buddy's ane at night because I
42:04
didn't know who did that kind of became a higher power. You know,
42:07
I want to believe that his spirit was still with me type thing, and
42:09
so I I just started talking to him, and upon doing that, I
42:15
found my higher power. And you know, I talked to my higher power,
42:19
which is God, and I talked to him at night or in the
42:22
mornings when I pray, you know. And so it's cool that I get
42:24
to talk to both of them. And yeah, it's just awesome that you
42:29
know, he gets to hear those prayers for his brother, YadA, YadA,
42:31
all the things. But but yeah, I feel like, I mean,
42:39
and you even talked about you know, I'm not gonna do this.
42:44
I'm not going to do that. This isn't me. There's no way.
42:46
What was your aha moment? Because you were pretty resistant. Oh yeah,
42:59
I don't know. I'm turning almost turning thirty, Like that was a big
43:06
part of it. Like I'm getting older. I don't have you know,
43:10
I don't even have a car that was in the impound, all these things.
43:14
I just I don't have nothing, and I don't have My life's just
43:17
miserable. I looked at every day the same try to find drugs, try
43:24
to find drugs, try to find drugs and that was it. Once I
43:27
got drugs, I do them and then they're gone, and then you know,
43:30
day continues like go steal stuff. I was doing stuff that wasn't me,
43:35
and I knew that my family wouldn't be proud of, you know,
43:37
that was a big thing. I knew my parents, like what do they
43:40
say to their friends? What do they say to people that ask about me?
43:44
They don't have nothing good to say. They have nothing even like okay
43:49
to say. You know, it's just oh, Derekson jail again, Derekson
43:52
treatment, Derek's you know, And that's what I got sick of hearing,
43:55
I'm so proud of you for going to treatment again, Like I'll get out,
44:00
I'm gonna you know, I'm going back to the to the drugs again,
44:04
like it's gonna happen. So I just got so tired of hearing that
44:08
and just realizing how big of a dirt bag I was for my son.
44:12
Yeah, all the things, you know, there's it was a lot of
44:14
it. I didn't really have one aha moment. It was just kind of
44:19
life just got miserable. Mm hmm. I was sick and tired of being
44:22
sick and tired. Absolutely. It does sound like God had several divine interventions
44:28
in your life, from the getting pulled over and the charges being dropped.
44:31
You know, had that not happened, you wouldn't have been in that storage
44:36
unit and overdose at which point you wouldn't have you know, changed probation officers,
44:42
gone back to treatment, gotten to sober living, and all those things.
44:44
So it sounds like a domino effect. What's your relationship like with your
44:49
son? Now? It's awesome. My mom always messages and me all the
44:53
time, saying, like he keeps asking where I'm at every time I come
44:58
over. So there's really sad thing I when I come to see him.
45:01
Ah, when I was messed up, I I, you know, stay
45:07
for a couple hours, then i'd leave, and every time, I love
45:08
you, buddy, blah blah blah. And like I said it to him
45:12
like a couple of months in of the sober living and he's like when I
45:15
first got there, like normally I say that when I'm leaving, and I'd
45:17
set it at the beginning, and he's like, is Daddy leaving? And
45:21
I was like, oh no, Like he knows that that means Dad's leaving
45:24
you know, and it just it hurt me. But uh, yeah,
45:28
no, he he asked about me all the time. We go and do
45:30
stuff. I get to take him to the park. Now that it's nice
45:35
out, I'm hopefully gonna go to the zoo, the amusement center, whatever,
45:38
all the stuff I get to do with him now. And he he
45:44
used to like when I'd come over, he'd be so shy, he'd have
45:47
to like kind of warm up to me because he's like he knew who I
45:51
was. I'm dad, you know. And eventually he'd come hang out with
45:53
me, but he would like almost like he was mad at me. He'd
45:55
like, go, he didn't want to come face me. Now Daddy's homie's
46:00
yelling, and it's like it's just it's a blessing. It's one of the
46:04
biggest blessings I've gotten from sobriety. But yeah, and he is potentially young
46:08
enough to where he won't even remember the old you. He'll just know this
46:15
sober present father, which is awesome. What's your relationship like with your mom?
46:22
Really good? Yeah, So I was one of those that I didn't
46:28
believe I was doing any damage to anyone. I knew I might stress my
46:32
mom out and stuff. But I thought like, oh, it's what every
46:36
mom does, you know. And my mom just worries about stuff that I'm
46:39
like not even concerned with. And I mean, there definitely are real concerns,
46:45
you know, but I'm just like so blind to it all. But
46:49
I had the blessing of like hearing her tell me when I was a couple
46:52
of months in that one of her friends saw me at church and she's like,
46:55
I was gonna go say hi, but he was with his friends,
46:59
YadA YadA, and she was saying that her my mom's friend was saying to
47:06
my mom that I think our prayers finally are becoming answered, you know.
47:10
And my mom was telling me that, and I was like whatever, you
47:15
know, and she's like no. At one point, I prayed. My
47:17
mom was telling me at one point she prayed that she if she would just
47:22
if I would just get sober, she would get cancer, you know,
47:24
she would take that of getting cancer if I would just get sober. And
47:28
when she told me that, I was like, I just didn't know how
47:30
to handle that, Like I finally saw the damage I've been doing to this
47:35
lady, you know. I And then she got to tell me later on
47:37
about yeah, the twitching when I slept, Yeah, all the things.
47:40
But like now I get a caller, I get it. You know,
47:45
it's just awesome. I don't I gotta make amends to her, Gotta admit
47:50
my wrongs, and you know, see where ask her like is there anything
47:55
else? You know? Like what else have I done that I don't know
47:58
about? She got to tell me all those things, you know. And
48:01
I've always had a pretty close relationship with my mom, But now I just
48:05
know I'm no longer hurting her. I'm no longer doing the damage, and
48:08
I'm not a dick to her anymore. Sorry for my language, but I
48:13
was kind of mean. You know, if she wasn't willing to help me
48:15
out, then I whatever. You know, I don't need you in my
48:20
life. I'd push people out. But yeah, today I have an awesome
48:22
relationship with my mom. Good Are you happy? Yeah? Oh yeah?
48:29
I have days. I think it's you know, I'm still learning, but
48:35
I have nothing to be even all my bad days. Like there's stuff to
48:37
be happy about. I get to be an assistant house leader at the Sober
48:43
Living I'm at like I'm gonna speak at Harview. I have a guy going
48:47
through the book, like I get to do all these things that get me
48:50
out of self when I do have bad days, you know, and it
48:53
seems like that those things always align when I am having a creuddy day or
48:58
like when I'm telling myself like you know, when maybe when my addiction is
49:01
kind of poking through and being like, hey, like we should go out,
49:05
you know, and then I get to go and oh, my sponsors
49:07
here, and it's like, oh what, okay, cool? And the
49:09
days I don't want to do those things. Once I'm done with those things,
49:14
I feel like just on top of the world. I can't even describe
49:20
how awesome I feel. But yeah, every day is I no longer wake
49:23
up hating life, no longer hate the person I see in the mirror.
49:29
But yeah, for anyone out there who might be struggling at this moment and
49:35
listening, what would you tell them? Find a sponsor, go to some
49:43
meetings? Can I give them my number? If they're a male, get
49:50
a sponsor, Like I mean, that's I don't know. I yeah,
49:54
I just I you want your phone number out in the public world, do
49:58
you do it? I probably should comment on Amanda's page or whatever. Yeah,
50:07
Well, Thank you so much for sharing, and I'm really proud of
50:10
you. Thank you, John