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Transcript

LIFE IS NOT THE INTERNET · The Karen Kenney Show

0:00
Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney Show. Hey, you guys!
0:04
Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm just gonna dive right
0:07
into this sucker. And one of the caveats, one of the things I
0:12
want to say up front is this: I'm fully aware that there are
0:16
people who are going to give you their unsolicited opinion. Oh my
0:28
God! I may I may be guilty of this myself sometimes, but I
0:31
really try not to. I do try not to, but I know sometimes I still
0:36
do it. But I just want to say caveat up front that I am aware
0:41
that even before the internet, there were people who would just
0:45
blurt things out, say things, and off of their opinion when
0:49
you did not fucking ask for it. That's the little caveat to keep
0:54
in mind for the rest of this episode. But one of the things I
0:57
do want to focus on, and this is going to be a short suck. I just
0:59
got to get this off my chest, is that I think one of the worst
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things that the internet did was kind of embolden everyone into
1:08
thinking that their opinion matters, that they gotta have an
1:13
opinion about everything, they gotta have a hot take on
1:15
everything. Not only do they gotta have an opinion, that they
1:20
gotta share it with you, and so kind of the heartbeat of this
1:24
episode is just a little PSA, a little reminder to me. I always
1:28
say for my ears first, and for everybody else at the that that
1:33
your life that like life is not the internet, meaning that the
1:38
things that people do online do not always carry over well or in
1:45
a helpful way to real life. The internet is not real life. Okay,
1:51
so what happens person to person, face to face, should not
1:55
be the same shit that you tend to get away with. A lot of you,
2:00
not pointing at you, my beautiful listeners. I'm just
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saying the people be peopling online. Okay, but here's the
2:08
thing: I love that people are realizing that they have a
2:11
voice, and when you realize that you have a voice, it's a very
2:15
powerful thing because you can use it to stand up for yourself,
2:19
to put healthy boundaries in place to be a voice for the
2:22
voiceless, for the powerless, right? Like as a vegan, like
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that's one of my things is I get to be a voice for the voiceless.
2:29
I get to speak up for the animals. You get to advocate for
2:33
children, or maybe the elderly, or people who don't have the
2:37
ability to ask others to stop harming them, or hurting them,
2:41
or stealing from them, or abusing them, or whatever the
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awful thing is, right? I love that we're realizing that we
2:47
have a voice and that we can use it. That is one thing the
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internet, I think, has given people the the gift of is
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realizing that maybe they do have thoughts about things and
2:58
feelings about things, and they have a voice. But the way that
3:01
we use that voice really matters, and what I realized is
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that, and I'm going to tell you an actual like a story. Of
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course, it's always a story with me, but one of the things that I
3:13
that I feel like is that because so many people who now because
3:18
of like comment sections, right? So think about it on Facebook or
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Instagram or YouTube videos or whatever. It's always that
3:26
comment section. So people just feel like, oh well, the comment
3:30
thing is here. So I can just say whatever I think. I'm safe at
3:35
home or in my mom's basement or at my job or like the internet
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cafe, or at Starbucks, or wherever you are, on my little
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phone, on my computer, on my tablet. I don't know these
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people, and some people literally, this is what they do
3:51
for a living. They just write mean shit to agitate, right? To
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be cruel. So people feel like that they can say anything. They
3:59
can say anything mean. They can say anything low. They can say
4:03
anything stupid or cruel or vapid or hateful or vile or
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threatening or racist or you know on and on and on. And so
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not everybody is using the comment section in a kind way,
4:22
and the other day, right?
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Okay, so like I said, I think there are some people on the
4:27
planet who are just going to offer up and say whatever they
4:30
want to say, regardless. Okay, it's not the quote unquote
4:33
internet's fault, but I do think that the internet and you know
4:38
hit like, hit this, hit that, blah blah blah. No no no. More
4:41
than that. Tell us what you think. Use your voice. Let's get
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engagement. It's all designed. First of all, we all know this
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by now, don't we? We all know what this is really about. That
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everybody thinks, oh, we're using these free services, and
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we're so lucky. It's like, no, you are the product. Your time.
5:00
Attention is the product, and they're selling you. They're
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selling you, right? They're trying to keep you on their
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platform. That's why there are comment sections. That's why
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there are likes and shares and make this and do that because
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they're trying to keep you on the platform that can sell more
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ad dollars. That's all it is. It's like we're little mice on
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the wheel, and we're keeping the fucking electricity on these
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places. You know we are we are part of the problem. P.S. But
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and we're back, so I'm going to tell you a little a little a
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little story. So I was at a place the other day, and my
5:35
friend owns this business, and there are people frequenting
5:38
this business, and there was people who were like walking
5:43
around and looking at the stuff on the walls, and it was lovely.
5:47
And the artists were like talking about their work, and it
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was beautiful, right? And I find it so fascinating. So I was
5:56
standing with my friend when all of a sudden this person came
5:59
over, and I could tell just by the way they took a breath.
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First of all, I can like I'm pretty good at reading people. I
6:07
think not just me; a lot of us are. And just the way, first of
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all, their physical body language. I was like, oh, here
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it comes! Like I literally just heard, felt it in my body. Here
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it comes! The way they sauntered over, the way they paused, the
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way they look, the way they took in that first breath, and then
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they said, "Can I just make a? Can I just make a comment? Can I
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just make a comment? And I felt my body immediately contract a
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little bit, and I literally felt for my friend. Excuse me,
6:44
because it's not my business. I just felt for my friend, and in
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that moment, we both paused before we said anything. Right.
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So I'm just a bystander. Like I'm listening to what what's
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about to happen, and I heard my friend like like just literally
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take this beat, this pause, and they're like, "Ah, yeah, sure.
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Because whenever somebody prefaces that, it's almost never
7:11
going to be something positive. It's either going to be
7:14
something subjective, it's going to be their personal opinion, or
7:19
it's going to be like a preference that they have-it's
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not going to be. Oh my God, excuse me, your space is so
7:27
beautiful, or I love this, or I love that. It's almost always
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going to be like, can I just make a suggestion? And they went
7:40
on to say something that, in fairness, was-I mean, it was a
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preference, right? It was a preference that they were
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offering up, but I understood what they were saying, and I
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thought, okay, that's-that's not too bad, right? You know what I
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mean? I was like, okay, that wasn't mean or cruel or
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whatever, but I could just tell, like, oh yeah, here they come.
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They're gonna come and they're gonna drop their opinion in our
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laps. Now a lot of us Gen X kids, you know, we were raised
8:09
by people who said things like, "Look, if you got nothing nice
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to say, don't say anything at all, you know. And I and I and I
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get it. I do think though there are times we have to speak up.
8:20
There are times we have to use our voice and again defend
8:24
somebody else or draw a line in the sand and say no, not on my
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watch, and speak up for other people or people who are in
8:30
danger and use your white privilege to help other people.
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You know what I mean?
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There are times when we need to use our voice, but so much of
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what people think they feel like they need to tell you, and I see
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this sometimes too. With, and I am not. I want to be wicked
8:48
clear with what I'm about to say because I don't want anybody to
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feel attacked or like I'm judging them or whatever. But
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one of the things that I have seen sometimes in older
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populations or older populations of people who like have lived
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alone for a really long time. One of the things about living
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with other humans, right? Because even with animals, you
9:09
can kind of get away with like your own opinions all the time.
9:12
But one of the things about living with other humans is you
9:15
say things on a daily basis, and the other person gets to push
9:19
back. The other person gets to say, "Hey, say more about that
9:23
because I don't understand where you're coming from. Or, "Hey, I
9:26
disagree with you. Or, "Hey, what's that attitude about? Or,
9:29
"Hey, that thinking's getting a little squirrely. Like, what's
9:32
that about? Or whatever, right? Other people are like little
9:36
bumper rails for us, and they're little like they they throw down
9:39
like a like a yellow flag on the field, and they say, "Ah, we're
9:42
getting into dangerous territory here. Hey, you might want to
9:45
rethink that. Or, "Hey, did you check your source on that? You
9:49
know what I mean. So, when people live alone or spend a lot
9:54
of time alone, a lot of time their own thinking, and
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sometimes it's stinking thinking, sometimes. It's not
10:00
great thinking, right? It doesn't get challenged. It
10:03
doesn't get the the shop edges don't get worn off by being in
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relationship with other people. So I don't know sometimes if
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people just finally get around other people and they want to
10:13
share what's on their heart or on their mind or whatever. I'm
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like, that's great. That's what therapy is for. That's what
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friendships are for and stuff like that. But sometimes people
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just think that they can blurt shit out and that there are no
10:24
consequences. We see it all the time on the internet. They just
10:26
think there's a comment section. I didn't like that video. I
10:30
don't like the way that woman's body looks. I don't like the way
10:32
that person is talking. I don't like that your and and they just
10:36
will say say the most horrendous, hurtful, un. mean on
10:45
purpose-shit. You know what I mean. And so, while I was also
10:48
at my friend's business, I heard another story from somebody
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saying that there had been an event, and the event was
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beautiful, and a bunch of people had come, right? And so, we were
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talking with another person, and we we were hearing this story,
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and that because we were we were saying how somebody had just
11:09
come up and said, "Can I make a comment? And it's you know
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another story came out of that, and so this person was saying
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they were an event, and this person the the event went went
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fantastic. Everybody loved it. It was it was great. There was
11:23
incredible feedback. But this one person had to come over, and
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they basically are like, you know, the event was fantastic,
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but you know what you should have done instead with the
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space? You should have blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
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Like if you if you're seeing me right now, I'm scrunching up my
11:42
face and I'm using both hands to scratch the top of my head. Like
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oh, like I just want to pull my hair out. So it's like there's
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something that one of my meditation teachers, Eknatha
11:53
Shwaran. What a shwaran taught was it was from an old. I don't
11:58
remember. I can't remember. Is it a Sufi saying? But there's an
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old wise saying that says something like, "Your words
12:06
should pass. Your words should pass through three gates. The
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first one is it true? And then the second gate is, is it kind?
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And then the third gate is, is it necessary? Now most comments
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would get stopped at "Is this true? Because these days, also
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another thing that's happened with the the age of the internet
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and everybody doing quote unquote work on themselves is
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one of those phrases that became very popular when somebody would
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say something totally assholery.
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They would say, "Well, I'm just sharing my truth. I'm just
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sharing my truth. I'm like more. You're just saying I'm sharing
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my my opinion, but people love to share their truth, don't
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they? But if you were really honest with yourself, you would
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realize that what I'm about to say isn't necessarily true. It's
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just what I think. It's what I feel. It's what I believe.
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Right? It's like that's my truth. It's like no. So a lot of
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us would just get stopped at that first gate. Is this true?
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Is it true that the space, the event space, should have done
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this instead? They should have put down a carpet. They should
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have used different colored glasses. Whatever it was, right?
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Is it is that true, or is that just a personal preference?
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Number one, subjective. The second one is it kind? And it's
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like if what you're about to say isn't going to be kind, do you
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know what I mean? Like, why are you saying it? Like, it's like
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when people will say, "Oh, did you get your hair cut? Or random
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people would be like, "Oh, I liked it better when your hair
13:56
was long or short, or "I liked it better when you had more of
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this and less of that, really? Because I don't fucking recall
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asking you. Okay, I got more on that. I'm gonna circle back to
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that one in a minute. Number three, is it necessary? I think
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the world is inundated right now. I think the internet is
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inundated right now with everybody, and this right here,
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I get it. I get the irony of this that I am basically giving
14:25
my opinion on my podcast. Right, people don't have to listen to
14:30
this, though. You know what I mean? People can just say, "I
14:32
don't like her, and turn it off, and that's fine. You can eject
14:36
yourself from the seat anytime you want to, but it's like they
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just think that, like, I'm like most of what we talk about, most
14:43
of what people put in the comments, it's just not
14:45
necessary. It's not necessary. Like why I'm shaking, like why,
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right? But sometimes we just love the the quote unquote sound
14:56
of our own voice in our head as we're typing or whatever. So we
14:59
got to do. Better people. We got to do better, and it's like
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people love to say mean things online. And back in the day,
15:10
back in the day, like in I think it was Mike Tyson who basically
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said something. You know, people have gotten too comfortable with
15:20
you know saying things or posting things online and not
15:23
getting punched in the face for it. You know, and I'm not an
15:26
advocate of violence, but I will tell you this: growing up where
15:29
I grew up in Lawrence, Mass, your mouth, right? Like, if you
15:33
thought you were just gonna say to somebody exactly what you
15:37
wanted to say and think that there was not gonna be a
15:39
consequence for the shit that was coming out of your mouth.
15:41
You were mistaken. You were mistaken, and this is something
15:46
that I just want to remind people. Right, in-person life,
15:52
human to human relationships, face to face, like life, right,
15:56
is not the fucking internet. We have to slow down. We should
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pause. We should think about the thing that we're about to say.
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You should run it through the three gates. Is this true? Most
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of us would get stopped right there. If you don't get stopped
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there, is it kind, man? Give yourself a little mr. Rogers
16:20
check. Give yourself a little mr. Bob Ross check. Give
16:24
yourself a little Jesus check or something, right? Like check in.
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Like, is this thing I'm about to say is it kind and loving? Is it
16:31
compassionate? Because I do understand that sometimes we
16:35
have to say something difficult, but it's the energy in which we
16:39
say it. It's the intention with which we say it, we can say had
16:43
things, truthy truth things, but we do it with love. We do it
16:49
with without the intention to be cruel or to be unkind. And then
16:56
we can ask ourselves: Is this necessary? Is this thing I'm
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about to say or type?
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I can't tell you how many times I've seen something online, and
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I go to stat to give my opinion, and I just stop myself because I
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go like, "Yeah, is this something that I would say to
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that person's face? Is this something that passes through
17:16
the three gates? And I just stop. I'm like, "What's the
17:18
point? Why are you saying this? And why are you doing this?
17:21
Okay, so here's a little something that I thought was
17:24
funny. My sweetie said this the other day, and I chuckled
17:27
outline. And we were saying how sometimes, and I think back in
17:32
my life, I think back in my life when I've shared something
17:35
tender with somebody, or I've shared something vulnerable with
17:38
somebody, or one of the big ones that often comes to mind is when
17:42
I was trying to start to claim the fact that I was a writer,
17:46
and I've told this story before. You know where my one of my
17:50
writing teachers, Barbara Abercrombie, Abercrombie. She's
17:54
not with. It's hard for me to say that name. She's not with us
17:57
anymore, but she taught at UCLA Extension, and I I took memoir
18:01
class with her and took a few classes with her. I think it was
18:05
like called Courage and Craft was one of the classes I took
18:09
with her. She was so brilliant and I loved her so much. And she
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had given us the homework of like and I was going home from
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California, you know, back east on a break. Whatever it was,
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Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever it was, and she gave us
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the homework to like you know stop claiming, stop saying out
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loud, like practice saying I'm a writer. She's like, writers
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write. You're in this class. You're writing. You're turning
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in work. You are a writer. You know, and I was like, okay. And
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so I I tell the story in the book. You can hear the you can
18:42
hear the story in the book. But the point that I'm making is, I
18:45
made a point to try to practice saying that, and I said it out
18:49
loud one time, and somebody in my life insisted on embarrassing
18:55
me, and not being very nice. So their words did not pass. It
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should not have passed through true kind or necessary because
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it was the opposite. What they said was the opposite of all
19:08
three. But I think that you know what my sweetie was saying.
19:13
First of all, the reason why I'm bringing that up is that when we
19:16
go to share something vulnerable or tender or whatever, you know,
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my sweetie said we should just be able to say to people like
19:23
the comment section is turned off for this post. So I'm going
19:32
to go deeper into that in a second. So look, if you're
19:35
posting stuff online and people are being cruel or unkind or
19:39
attacking you, like you're posting something maybe
19:42
politically, or you're posting something about a workshop
19:45
you're doing, or you're posting something about a workout you
19:48
just completed, or whatever it is, and people come into the
19:51
comments and just stop being really cruel. There's three
19:53
things you can do. Number one is you can turn off comments for
19:57
your post, right? You can delete. Comments, and then if
20:02
necessary, you can block some motherfuckers. You can just
20:05
block people. You can be like, nope, nope, not open, not open
20:09
for this, right? Not open for this. And I think even I was
20:13
watching a a clip of an interview the other day, and it
20:18
was a neuroscientist, and he was talking to Oprah for her podcast
20:23
show, whatever, and she was saying that she has now turned
20:25
off comments. She goes because the vitriol, the the stuff that
20:28
people were just saying, she's just like, yeah, we just turn
20:31
off comments now. So here's the thing, in real life, because I
20:35
was thinking to my friend when my friend was telling me, you
20:38
know, you know the the comments that people were making at her
20:42
business, and I said to her, you know, you should just have like
20:45
a blanket statement answer, and I was just joking around. I was
20:50
Vicky with 2k's was like giving suggestions, and she was like,
20:53
you could just, I said, you could just turn to them and say,
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you know, what's so fascinating is I don't remember asking you.
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I don't remember asking you for your suggestion, your feedback,
21:07
or your opinion. You know, and it's one of the reasons why in
21:10
Write Club, like in Write Club, my monthly writing workshops,
21:14
you know, we have very specific guardrails in place. We have I I
21:18
guide people with a very specific approach and a set of
21:22
rules and guidelines because we do not tear each other down. We
21:26
only build up. We only give positive feedback. We only talk
21:31
about what we loved in the work, where the craft was really
21:34
strong, where the writing was brilliant, where there was
21:36
strength in it, where it packed a punch, what moved us, what we
21:39
loved. We only build up, right? So those kind of comments are
21:44
welcome, of course. But in real life, you can kind of inform
21:48
people, like I was telling my friend. Hey, this thing I'm
21:51
about to tell you, this this thing, right? Comments are
21:55
turned off for this post. You don't just get to blurt out any
21:58
kind of weird, mean, vile, hateful shit that you want to,
22:01
right? For this situation, this thing that I'm telling you,
22:04
right? That's the version of when you go to tell somebody
22:07
something. You can say to them, "Hey, look, this is really
22:10
sensitive. This is very vulnerable. I'm afraid to say
22:12
this, but I'm going to be, I'm going to be brave, and I'm going
22:14
to share this with you. You know, because when somebody's
22:17
doing that, they believe that you're a trusted, safe space,
22:21
and if you want to help somebody to never share again, if you
22:24
want to help somebody to give up on a dream, act like an asshole
22:28
when somebody says something, you know. And I heard a quote
22:30
the other day when somebody said, you know, don't give. What
22:37
did he say? Don't give a lecture when what somebody really needs
22:41
is a hug, and I would say don't give a lecture when what
22:45
somebody really needs is for you to just listen. So that's that
22:48
version. Like sometimes, right? People should just listen, and
22:53
they should ask you: Do you want me to listen, or are we trying
22:56
to problem solve here? Do you want me to just listen and be
22:59
here for you, or are you looking for solutions? Right, you know
23:02
what I mean. So in real life, you can just inform people. Hey,
23:06
this thing I'm about to say, it is not the comment section is
23:08
shut off. It is not. I am not open to feedback. I am not open
23:11
to comments. Now, I don't think it's fair to do that. Caveat: if
23:16
what you're about to say like affects them, like they should
23:18
have a say, right? Like you don't just get to drop a thing
23:21
on them and then expect them to be silent. You can't just say,
23:23
"Hey, I'm going to tell you this thing, but like, don't judge me
23:25
or don't be me. Well, if you're about to tell me something that
23:29
is going to affect me in some way, I think the other person
23:32
has the right to like have some sort of a say. You know what I
23:35
mean? And the other thing too is like when you're about to say
23:38
something, like meaning like, hey, I'm a writer, or hey,
23:44
whatever. You know, in my head, I think of it as almost like
23:47
being at a press conference, and you're sharing things. You know
23:50
how the people at a press conference will say, "I will, I
23:52
will not be taking up, I will not be taking any follow up
23:55
questions. I will not be taking any follow up questions or
24:01
suggestions? Because guys, life is not the internet. When you
24:04
are dealing with people face to face, you got to remember the
24:08
these are other human beings who, even if they're acting
24:13
wicked tough, they do. I mean, there are some obviously some
24:17
sociopaths and some narcissists and some people who don't feel
24:20
and operate the same way, but most people they are
24:24
tender-hearted. Most people are sensitive. Most people do have a
24:28
lot of fear, even if they mask it, even if they pretend like
24:31
they're not. So maybe we can all just try being a little nicer to
24:35
each other, right? Both in real life and on the internet. And
24:41
like I said, I don't think it's getting any better.
24:43
I think people are getting more more brazen. I don't even want
24:48
to say bold. It's not even bold, right? They're getting more
24:51
brazen. They're getting more cruel. Like cruelty in this
24:54
country has been become acceptable. Hatefulness has
24:59
become even. Like all of it, just all of it, you know, shit
25:03
rolls downhill. So when the leaders of the country are
25:06
acting like assholes and are like, "Don't even get me
25:09
started. Let's just let don't even get me started. But it has
25:13
been demonstrated that cruelty is acceptable, and I just don't
25:16
play that game, and I don't operate at that level, and
25:18
that's not even interesting to me. So you can remind people in
25:22
your life, hey, comment section is closed in on the internet.
25:25
Close it down, right? Don't put up with cruelty. Don't put up
25:28
with unkindness, and don't let other people bully people in
25:32
your comment section either, right? That's the thing. And I
25:35
know if you're like wicked famous, which I don't think any
25:38
of us here are, if there's 1000s of comments, you can't keep
25:43
track of everything. But what you're aware of, what you're
25:46
able to see with your own eyes, right? It's like we got to be
25:50
able to, you know, take a stand for ourselves, for our friends,
25:53
for those we love, and for those we may not know who are
25:56
strangers. But you know, we got to step in sometimes, and we
26:00
gotta we gotta be the one who says nope nope nope not on my
26:04
watch. You know what I mean? So look, your opinions do matter
26:08
sometimes, but not all the times, not freely, not in every
26:12
single frigging thing. And then let it pass through the three
26:14
gates. Right? Is it true? Is it kind? If is it necessary? And
26:18
I'm telling you, if you pause long enough, if you pause long
26:22
enough, you will find yourself typing a lot less. You will
26:25
probably find yourself speaking a lot less. And it reminds me of
26:29
one other quote that I love. I hope I can get it right. It's.
26:32
It says, I think, it's really hard. It's really hard to
26:37
improve upon silence, right? It's really hard sometimes to
26:42
improve upon the silence. Silence sometimes is one of the
26:45
greatest things. In fact, I might do a whole thing on
26:48
silence in a moment in another episode. But for now, I hope
26:52
this was helpful. I hope it gets you thinking about like you know
26:56
the internet. The internet. Everybody thinks like the
26:59
internet's my own personal playground. I can say and do
27:01
whatever I want. Nope, because look, there there are
27:04
consequences, even if they don't show up right away, even if you
27:09
don't believe in karma. I will tell you, it's simply science,
27:13
cause and react. And if causal is your assholery and
27:17
douchebaggery and you being a dick to people, it's coming down
27:22
the line because that's just science, right? Think about two
27:26
chemicals. You put something in, you drop the other thing.
27:29
There's usually reaction, cause, right, and effect. There is an
27:34
effect, right? There is an effect to the things you think
27:38
and say and do. So why not try to put more good stuff in the
27:43
world? Why not try to leave people better, and animals
27:47
better, and the world better, the other people, the
27:51
environment, the planet better than how you found it? Shouldn't
27:54
that kind of be the goal? That your life and your words and
27:58
your voice is used in a way that is purposeful and meaningful in
28:02
in the direction of good, in the direction of love, in the
28:04
direction of of justice, and the direction of wisdom, and
28:10
temperance and courage. That we use our voice for good. Oh my
28:15
God! Don't get me started. Okay, I'm gonna wrap this sucker up.
28:19
May you Leave the animals, yourself, the other people, the
28:26
planet, the environment better than how you found it. Wherever
28:30
you go, may you and your energy and your attitude and your
28:35
presence and your love and your comments be a blessing. Bye.
28:41
Hey, thanks so much for listening to the show. I really
28:44
love spending some time together. Now, if you dig the
28:47
show or know someone that could benefit from this episode,
28:51
please share it with them and help me to spread the good word
28:54
and the love. And if you want to be in the know about all of my
28:58
upcoming shenanigans, head on over to KarenKenney.com/signup
29:03
and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to stay in touch.
29:08
Bye.