Latest / Your Thoughts Your Reality / What Did Strength Cost You? | Identity — The 1st Silent War | Chris Chandler-Yates

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What Did Strength Cost You? | Identity — The 1st Silent War | Chris Chandler-Yates · Your Thoughts Your Reality

0:00
SPEAKER_02: What happens when the version of you that keeps everyone safe starts costing you the people you love?
0:07
SPEAKER_02: For men in policing, military service, and high pressure careers, control, emotional restraint, and staying on guard can become part of who you are.
0:16
SPEAKER_02: Retraints may help you perform under pressure, but they don't always switch off when you walk through that front door.
0:22
SPEAKER_02: So when the role changes, the deeper question isn't just who am I without the badge?
0:28
SPEAKER_02: It's which parts of that identity still serve me and which parts are hurting the life that I'm trying to protect.
0:36
SPEAKER_02: Today's conversation is about identity, the first silent war and what it takes to redefine strength before the role defines the rest of your life.
0:47
SPEAKER_03: Welcome to Your Thoughts, Your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
0:56
SPEAKER_03: Michael is a dual elite certified neuroencoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations, dedicated to guiding military veterans as to navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
1:08
SPEAKER_03: Join us as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles, procrastination, self-doubt, fear, and more.
1:19
SPEAKER_03: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
1:37
SPEAKER_02: Burnout and PTSD eventually forced him to confront what the job had changed in his health, identity, and marriage.
1:44
SPEAKER_02: A three-month, roughly 8,000-mile motorcycle journey became part of his process of rebuilding.
1:51
SPEAKER_02: And today, Chris is a men's coach, a podcast host, and speaker focused on burnout, relationships, purpose, and healthy masculinity.
2:00
SPEAKER_02: His work helps men redefine strength before they lose the people in life they're turning are trying to protect.
2:06
SPEAKER_02: Chris, welcome to your thoughts, your reality, brother.
2:09
SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Mike.
2:10
SPEAKER_01: Thanks for having me on.
2:10
SPEAKER_01: It's good to be here.
2:12
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
2:13
SPEAKER_02: Uh and by the way, we're international today again, so that's a beautiful thing.
2:16
SPEAKER_02: So thank you for joining us and getting up early, Chris.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: I appreciate that.
2:20
SPEAKER_01: Oh good, it's not the earliest I've gotten up, and thanks for changing the time slightly.
2:23
SPEAKER_01: So it wasn't super, super early.
2:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, no problem, man.
2:27
SPEAKER_02: Um, so tell us a bit more about yourself, if you will, Chris.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I'm Chris Jen the Eights.
2:31
SPEAKER_01: I'm actually originally from Reading, California, so way up northern California, beautiful part of the part of the part of the state.
2:38
SPEAKER_01: But then I sailed halfway around the world with my parents as a as a teenager.
2:41
SPEAKER_01: I got here at 18 to New Zealand, got residency citizenship, and then never left because I met my now wife.
2:48
SPEAKER_01: Parents and everybody are all still here.
2:50
SPEAKER_01: Now I didn't know what I wanted to do.
2:52
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what I wanted to become.
2:54
SPEAKER_01: I actually was planning to go work on super yachts when I met my now wife and we started dating, so that changed everything.
3:00
SPEAKER_01: Uh and then I actually, my brother-in-law randomly one day was like, Oh bro, we should join the police, and it'd be like bad boys, you know, we can be partners and have lots of fun.
3:09
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I loved it at the time.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: My favorite movie was SWAT, the, you know, with uh Colin Farrell.
3:14
SPEAKER_01: You know, great, great movie.
3:16
SPEAKER_01: And that's what I thought policing was, but um inside, deep inside of me, I knew that it wasn't.
3:21
SPEAKER_01: And so I had it on the fence of what I should do.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: I got my wife and I on a super on a super yacht, actually.
3:28
SPEAKER_01: And then that fell through before we even actually got on it.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: So we sold everything.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: We we you know, we we we ended the the flat or the the house that we were renting at, and we're about to go, and I got a phone call saying, Oh, we don't actually need you guys anymore.
3:42
SPEAKER_01: So my wife had no desire actually at the time to to go to America, and I was like, Hey, I've got some money.
3:47
SPEAKER_01: My parents owe me some money from my sailing days that I had earned, and why don't we just go back to the states for a few months?
3:52
SPEAKER_01: And this was uh just before 2008 recession that hit, uh, and so so we went, we were there when that hit hard, and the exchange rate went from like 75 cents to 58 cents.
4:05
SPEAKER_01: So the chip the trip changed a little bit, but we why showed her California?
4:09
SPEAKER_01: We started in LA, we then went up to up to my hometown.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: My grandpa passed away, so we ended up having to go to his funeral while we were there.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: But the reason I tell this is because we were there and there was a train crash, a freight train, and a passenger train collided in LA uh in 2008.
4:23
SPEAKER_01: I think it was October.
4:25
SPEAKER_01: There were 42 people that died, and I remember being glued to the television and going, How do I get down there and help?
4:31
SPEAKER_01: Every cell in my body wanted to be down there and help.
4:33
SPEAKER_01: Now I look back on some of the photos, and it's all firefighters.
4:36
SPEAKER_01: There's no cops that I can see in any of the photos.
4:38
SPEAKER_01: But in my mind, that's how I do it.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: And so I went and researched, I needed to get LASIK eye surgery, got eye surgery, ran through the hills of Tacoma Canyon, like up through the hills of LA where I was staying when my mom's friends played.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: And that was my decision.
4:51
SPEAKER_01: I just went, and from that point on, it was it was cool.
4:55
SPEAKER_01: This is what I'm doing.
4:56
SPEAKER_01: And it was the best job in the world, but also the destroyed me in the end.
5:00
SPEAKER_01: So through my journey, I did seven and a half years as police, did four uh just about four years of that was protection service.
5:08
SPEAKER_01: So our version of Secret Service, and in the end, almost cheated on my wife.
5:13
SPEAKER_01: Found myself actually making moves to cheat on a woman, uh, cheat with a woman, and then caught myself and went, No, I'm not doing this because my parents did it to each other, and I saw what it did.
5:23
SPEAKER_01: So I went home.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: My wife was overseas, she's an event manager.
5:26
SPEAKER_01: She was uh delivering a trip, an incentive trip overseas at the time.
5:30
SPEAKER_01: Uh, she came back and I went, I want a divorce.
5:32
SPEAKER_01: This is what happened.
5:33
SPEAKER_01: I'm Donald Mount.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: Now, the stubborn in a good way, woman that she is, she's a Scorpio.
5:38
SPEAKER_01: So anybody who knows a Scorpio knows knows that she doesn't give up easy.
5:43
SPEAKER_01: But she also identified that it wasn't me.
5:45
SPEAKER_01: She's like, This is not like she knew me from before policing for quite a few years.
5:50
SPEAKER_01: And so she she she's like, Chris, go to counseling again with like go to counseling, like you owe me that.
5:56
SPEAKER_01: Like, let's not end this now.
5:58
SPEAKER_01: And for a thing inside of me said, Yep, cool, because I love her so much because uh I don't give up on things.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: We talk about it quite a lot.
6:06
SPEAKER_01: Why I didn't why I said didn't just say no and just you know leave.
6:10
SPEAKER_01: Maybe something internally knew that you know it wasn't me, it was something going on.
6:15
SPEAKER_01: And we went to counseling, and luckily that counselor identified it quickly.
6:19
SPEAKER_01: She identified on the first session, she's like, Chris, you're burned out.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: It's probably from PTSD.
6:24
SPEAKER_01: You need to take a break.
6:26
SPEAKER_01: And every cell in my body went, you hate cops, you just want one less on the road.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: Turns out she had family that were cops and that, and but yeah, so that was the journey.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: And then with her help, we ended up going down the road of me doing that motorcycle trip just to reconnect with myself.
6:41
SPEAKER_01: And I know we'll talk more about that, but that's kind of how I got to yeah, through the whole through the journey and then to the kind of actually healing myself and actually working on my marriage.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: Now I have done a lot of different things through the years.
6:54
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I don't have a side job just like I know you do, Mike, uh, off the podcast.
6:59
SPEAKER_01: But I for about six years after I left the place, I helped over 600 aspiring police officers with their fitness and then mindset to join the police and not end up where I did.
7:08
SPEAKER_01: And so that doesn't go, I don't do that anymore.
7:10
SPEAKER_01: I'm still in touch with quite a few of those those current officers.
7:14
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, that that was a whole nother journey.
7:17
SPEAKER_01: Now I'd more focus on men on as a side project with my podcast and then do some coaching with them as well.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: Just because again, it's that whole wanting to help, wanting to give back kind of side of things.
7:28
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
7:28
SPEAKER_02: And and from what I'm hearing, brother, it it's it's nothing new for you, right?
7:32
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it's it's kind of always been your calling and you're and you're finding it.
7:35
SPEAKER_02: I'm super happy for it.
7:37
SPEAKER_01: It is my identity, it's my identity.
7:39
SPEAKER_01: You know, I know we're gonna talk about identity today.
7:41
SPEAKER_01: My identity that I've identified and what I used to help cops do to increase performance or aspiring place, increase performance, but then also so that the job didn't become their identity and they don't get destroyed by it.
7:51
SPEAKER_01: Mine's to create less pain for myself and others, and that is literally what I do every single day, whether it's in this, whether it's in my sales job, whether it's whatever it is, it's that's what it's all about.
8:01
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely love it.
8:02
SPEAKER_02: So, Chris, uh, you know, during the police work, you know, it trained you to stay controlled, well, alert and emotionally contained, right?
8:09
SPEAKER_02: Because you had to be.
8:10
SPEAKER_02: When did you first realize the same traits that made you effective on duty were starting to work against you at home?
8:18
SPEAKER_01: If I'm honest with myself, quite early on, like I remember coming straight out of training and a guy cut me off and like blew through a givea sign, and like I slammed on the brakes, and then he slammed on his brakes and like gave me like some gesture like I was at fault.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: And I literally, my wife was grabbing my pants because I was getting out of the car screaming at the guy.
8:37
SPEAKER_01: So I mean, I had literally just graduated police college, so it probably was very soon, but when did I actually actually acknowledge it?
8:45
SPEAKER_01: It would have been on my motorcycle trip.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: It was or like when I was going through counseling, yeah.
8:49
SPEAKER_01: Because when you're in the weeds of it, I had no idea.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: It took it took my wife's dad to actually identify that something was majorly wrong, that something was going on with me.
8:58
SPEAKER_01: Because I sat at his house.
9:00
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm a chatty cat.
9:01
SPEAKER_01: You we've realized that we we know this, Mike.
9:04
SPEAKER_01: And I would I sat I sat there at dinner one night and I said I think about three words.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: I sat in the corner and I said about three words.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: And her dad has gone through he's had he's had challenges in the past as well when she was younger and that.
9:16
SPEAKER_01: And so obviously, you can identify what you know.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: And she he said to her, He's like, What's going on with Chris?
9:22
SPEAKER_01: Like, there is something's not going on.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: And so then she confronted me about it.
9:25
SPEAKER_01: I think that was one of the turning points was was him actually somebody else identifying that something was going on, and then her confronting me about it, and then obviously me almost cheating on her and all that, and really realizing that's not me.
9:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, that control, that control side, man, is yeah, as a cop, you're in full control, you have to be in full control all the time, especially as when I got into protection services and doing you know protection work.
9:50
SPEAKER_01: You have to be in control, even though it's a hurry up and do nothing, but you're always alert, you're always around, you you know, you're you're so aware uh and paranoid all the time that yeah, it um you I tr I try and say you can't bring it home, but you'll always bring it home.
10:08
SPEAKER_01: There is no not bringing it up.
10:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
10:11
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it becomes part of you to some extent.
10:13
SPEAKER_02: I mean, there's there's obviously ways, you know, to to reset, change your state, that kind of thing.
10:18
SPEAKER_02: And we were talking about this before.
10:20
SPEAKER_02: We had a we had a long conversation, we were having so much fun, you know, before we got on here as well.
10:25
SPEAKER_02: But you know, you can you can who was it?
10:28
SPEAKER_02: Dave Yuloa, who is a uh Los Angeles, you know, policeman.
10:32
SPEAKER_02: His tip was, you know, before you go in, sit in the car for a minute, reset yourself.
10:38
SPEAKER_02: You know, instead of just rushing into the door and and all of that coming at you, and then take your time to reset, you know.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: I know you do a lot of the neuro stuff, Mike, and it that's exactly what I used to tell the aspiring cops.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: And I used to train them before they were cops is anchoring, you know that one, you know, it's a Tony Robbins term, but anchoring it's neurolinguistic programming, which I've done as well.
11:00
SPEAKER_01: And it's anchoring, figure out your anchor.
11:03
SPEAKER_01: I remember being at a first responders conference, and shout out to Sean, she does an amazing job with those conferences.
11:09
SPEAKER_01: But I remember she she invited me to come to it in in where was it?
11:14
SPEAKER_01: It was just in LA.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: And I was I was there and I was talking to one of the Santa Barbara cops in that, and he was talking about like, how do you kind of switch on and switch off?
11:24
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, you know, you anchoring is probably one of the easiest, the most effective ways to do it.
11:29
SPEAKER_01: And he was like, he's like, you know, he's uh he's like, Yeah, I I kind of do that, you know, when I drive in, you know, when I when I drive to work, it kind of, you know, when I enter the the district or the area that he works, I'm like, cool, how's that go for you?
11:40
SPEAKER_01: And he's like, it's good.
11:42
SPEAKER_01: I was like, how's it go when you're in the car and you drive through the area on vacation or you're driving, you know, somewhere you know with the family and that?
11:48
SPEAKER_01: He's like, Oh, he's like, I think I do change.
11:51
SPEAKER_01: And then he his partner was there, and he's like, she's like, Yeah, he definitely physically changed.
11:55
SPEAKER_01: There is a bridge that when we drive underneath it, he changed, like his he can see she could feel she can feel it change.
12:01
SPEAKER_01: I was like, do it on the station door, though, instead.
12:03
SPEAKER_01: I was like, shift where you do it.
12:06
SPEAKER_01: Um, and one of the one of the times that before I even did all the neurolinguistic program, I was actually talking to a cop in the US.
12:12
SPEAKER_01: He did it when he zipped up his vest.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: So before he zipped up his vest, he was still just a civilian.
12:19
SPEAKER_01: He was a dad, he was a father, he was a he was a husband.
12:22
SPEAKER_01: But when he zipped up that vest, he's like, my persona changed.
12:25
SPEAKER_01: He's like, I turned into the cop, I turned into the person that I needed to be at work, and it was in the locker room.
12:30
SPEAKER_01: So when he zipped up his vest in the locker room, it did it.
12:32
SPEAKER_01: Because otherwise, you know, if you think about it, when you unzip the vest, you know, have lunch, whatever, it could turn you off.
12:37
SPEAKER_01: But no, it was like when he walked in, he was in the locker room, zipped up the vest, cool.
12:40
SPEAKER_01: He was he was on, let's go.
12:42
SPEAKER_01: And then at the end of the day, same thing.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: I know some guy who has his boots when you tie up his boots, that's when he was turning on.
12:48
SPEAKER_01: And so it's it's really shifting.
12:50
SPEAKER_01: That's how that's probably the way to do it.
12:52
SPEAKER_01: It's not easy.
12:54
SPEAKER_02: No, but here's the thing, right?
12:56
SPEAKER_02: Is the more you work the exercise, people hear me say this all the time you don't walk into a gym, work out one time, and come out looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
13:03
SPEAKER_02: It's working the exercise.
13:04
SPEAKER_02: The more you do it, the more you condition yourself, the easier it goes to get.
13:08
SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes, very awesome.
13:10
SPEAKER_02: So um, you described reaching a point where burnout and PTSD really became so severe that risk and chaos almost became a way to feel something.
13:20
SPEAKER_02: When you look back at that version of yourself, were you trying to escape pain and identity, or the man you thought you had to be?
13:29
SPEAKER_01: I was trying, I was searching.
13:31
SPEAKER_01: I was trying to feel something, to be perfectly honest.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: I ride and even at the time I I I ride a crotch rocket, I still ride a very powerful motorcycle, but back then I would do dumb things, try and wheelie it, you know, 65, 70 miles an hour, trying to pull wheelies.
13:48
SPEAKER_01: And I remember having a buddy who's still a copy of the sergeant.
13:50
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to see him this afternoon for his son's birthday.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: I remember him flashing his headlights at me, going like pretty much like Chris, like, stop being an idiot.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna kill yourself multiple times, like going into corners too fast just to feel something.
14:04
SPEAKER_01: Because you become, as a cop, you can.
14:06
SPEAKER_01: If you're not careful, you can become a and I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie, I always have been, you know, my entire life.
14:11
SPEAKER_01: You become a bit of an adrenaline seeker.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: And it's not so much that you're seeking the adrenaline, it's that you're trying to feel something because you've shuffled all those, shoved all those emotions away for so long.
14:21
SPEAKER_01: Because as a cop, you can't, you know, and this kind of talks to that same topic around, you know, kind of what was I searching for?
14:28
SPEAKER_01: I feel like cops try and change who they are.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: You know, we become cops because we're psychopaths.
14:34
SPEAKER_01: Let's just be perfectly honest.
14:36
SPEAKER_01: We are we're crazy, you know.
14:38
SPEAKER_01: You be uh and I still say we, even though I'm not a cop anymore.
14:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I'll always, you know, bleed blue, just like I know military.
14:45
SPEAKER_01: You know, once you're military, you're kind of always military in a way.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: Right.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: You have to be kind of psychotic to become a cop because guess what?
14:54
SPEAKER_01: When the gunfights are going on, you're not running away from it.
14:56
SPEAKER_01: If you run away from it, you're in the wrong profession.
14:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that's one of the reasons that I kind of stopped doing a lot of the police stuff because I I didn't know how to navigate helping people with that to be psychotic, but then not lose yourself.
15:08
SPEAKER_01: Uh, and I don't know the answers around it, but I do feel I saw a reel not that long ago of a lady talking about the fact of this trying to be soft or touchy-feely as a cop is destroying police and it's making police worse.
15:25
SPEAKER_01: And I I've sat with that a lot for me personally, for me as an ex as an as an ex-police officer, because I then went on to help 600 people to really feel their feelings, but then also become become cops, and they do great jobs at it.
15:40
SPEAKER_01: But I look at most of them and they have they aren't the person that I trained in the beginning anymore.
15:45
SPEAKER_01: And I personally I feel you have to lose part of yourself to be an effective cop because uh of what you have to deal with every day.
15:56
SPEAKER_01: You see, I think it was NYU, did NYU did a study quite a few years back that showed police see 12 times as much trauma in their first 12 months as a civilian will their entire life.
16:08
SPEAKER_01: So you think cops are cops for 20, 35 years, they see 12 times as much trauma in just 12 months' time.
16:16
SPEAKER_01: Your mind isn't designed to deal with that, and you have to actually understand that you will be kind of screwed up from it, and then how do you deal with that screwed upness?
16:25
SPEAKER_01: And I think that's the that's the key for me.
16:27
SPEAKER_01: I I I I still have stuff from that from the job, it will never go away.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: And I'm saying that for people out there that are listening, they get asked it all the time like, does the PTSD ever go away?
16:38
SPEAKER_01: No, you deal how you work, you learn how to cope with it, and you learn how to deal with it and and and be okay with it and and live with it.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: It's just like if you break your arm, you learn how to deal with the broken bone.
16:49
SPEAKER_01: You know, it heals, but it doesn't fully heal.
16:52
SPEAKER_01: And I think that you do have to actually work through, and I've had to work through it's okay to be alert at times, and it's how you use that is the is the key thing.
17:04
SPEAKER_01: It's how you use it, you know.
17:05
SPEAKER_01: Use I I rely on the training more now than I rely on the the noise.
17:11
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
17:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love that.
17:12
SPEAKER_02: And you know what what I found is with a trauma like that, when you redefine what it meant, and it's it's difficult, especially I'm not gonna say it's more difficult for police than veterans, it's it's the individual person, but it's really the belief system that they put around the situation, right?
17:29
SPEAKER_02: Or the event, you know, because what what trauma really does is when it turns into PTSD and that kind of thing, so everybody's been through some trauma in their life, and if you haven't, good for you.
17:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell you that's what the whole world has, it's called COVID.
17:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
17:47
SPEAKER_02: Totally different.
17:48
SPEAKER_02: So, but when you even redefine what the what it meant to you and and put it into a positive, whether you know I survived it, I grew from it, I'm stronger from it, you know, whatever those case may be that case may be, and you change the legs under the table of that belief system, in other words, the support system, it changes it and makes it better.
18:08
SPEAKER_02: And it's not easy and it's work, but there there is ways to do that.
18:12
SPEAKER_02: So I just wanted to kind of drop that thought real quick.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: Um, I I I think you're spot, you're spot on there, Mike.
18:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's you're spot on, you know, and and I guess you know, with what I was saying with that about cops needing to be quote unquote psychotic, is it's changing the belief around that.
18:28
SPEAKER_01: Cool, I can be psychotic, but I can still be a good husband.
18:31
SPEAKER_01: I can be psychotic and I can still be a good father.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: I don't have to, I don't have to have that psychotic switch turned on all the time, but when I'm not at work, I can actually you know turn the switch off, like half off, I'm gonna say, because it will never actually turn off, but I can rely on the training.
18:46
unknown: Yeah.
18:46
SPEAKER_01: For l for listeners on this, I want to put it into perspective because I know a lot of cops, even current ones, and that, you know, I talk to them still regularly.
18:53
SPEAKER_01: I still get people to come up to me, you know, because I talk about this stuff all the time.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: I remember being at, I was at a Tony Robbins conference, literally, I'd done my US motorcycle trip, which I know we'll talk about, and I had come out of I'd come out of that.
19:05
SPEAKER_01: My mom invited me to go to date with Destiny, my wife and I to go to it.
19:09
SPEAKER_01: So, for perspective, it's like a six and a half thousand dollar ticket.
19:12
SPEAKER_01: She paid for the tickets, we just had to get there.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: Walk in the room, there's 5,000 people in there.
19:18
SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know about you, Mike, but me as a cop coming out of it and being in big crowds was I was that person, even though I didn't want to be.
19:26
SPEAKER_01: So I was there looking around, and at the end of the first day, he literally has you write down the worst thing that you've ever done and put it into a not put your name on it, put it into a basket, and he pulls them out on stage and reads them.
19:38
SPEAKER_01: There is people that were cocaine addicts, there's drug addicts, there is bestiality, which is you know, having sex with animals, there is pedophile, there's everybody in there that I would have been locking up on a ring.
19:52
SPEAKER_01: Like that there were my worst case scenario.
19:54
SPEAKER_01: Like, this person could be right next to me.
19:56
SPEAKER_01: And I started freaking out.
19:57
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Yeah, no.
19:59
SPEAKER_01: And then he puts you into groups with like 60 people and you get a buddy as as well.
20:03
SPEAKER_01: And so I that night I remember saying to one of those people, I was like, I don't know if I can come here tomorrow because of X, Y, and Z.
20:09
SPEAKER_01: And they're like, But Chris, why are they all here?
20:11
SPEAKER_01: Again, that those legs that you said, changing the perspective.
20:14
SPEAKER_01: Why are they all here?
20:15
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Because they they want to, they want to just like me, they want to become a better person.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: She's like, So is that a problem?
20:24
SPEAKER_02: There's a perspective, right?
20:26
SPEAKER_01: Oh and then and then she was like, and then I was like, My anxiety is going crazy because of all these different people.
20:32
SPEAKER_01: Plus, you add that on top of it.
20:33
SPEAKER_01: She's like, Okay, cool, Chris.
20:34
SPEAKER_01: Well, don't you have a lot of training?
20:36
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Yeah, she's like, Cool.
20:38
SPEAKER_01: Well, if something happens, what's the worst case?
20:40
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, shoot her, somebody goes crazy, you know, all those kind of and she's like, Yeah, but okay, what are you gonna do?
20:45
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Well, I'm gonna grab my wife who's right over there, who's way the fuck over there, but I'm gonna grab her, and then I'm gonna hit the exit that's literally behind that curtain.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Oh, where are all the other exits?
20:54
SPEAKER_01: And I told her about 12 different exits that were in the case.
20:56
SPEAKER_02: Right, because you already knew.
20:57
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know about half of those, and I was like, I didn't even look for them, and I knew so it's it's again, and she's like, just rely on that training, and so you know, I know we're gonna talk about good stuff, and I know I've gone off again, chatty, chatty cat here.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: You're good, you're it's but it it's it's really remembering that perspective.
21:12
SPEAKER_01: And the one number one thing that I learned from coming through all my stuff is rely on your training, yeah.
21:18
SPEAKER_01: Don't try and force it, but rely on the training because you are military trained even you know to go into war zones, cops.
21:25
SPEAKER_01: You're trained to go to your neighbor's house, you know, and and and and threats you're trained to walk into houses that you have nothing you know nothing about, and so rely rely on that training that you're you're I don't do a whole lot of martial arts training anymore.
21:38
SPEAKER_01: I don't do like any of the like the perishable skills, but again, I remind myself that I have more training than 90% of the friggin' public out there, so I'm still I'm still doing really well.
21:50
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
21:50
SPEAKER_02: I you know, and I think that's important for people to remember that it's in you, and generally when something happens, it's going to naturally happen when you when you condition yourself.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: Help and trained well, right?
22:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: When you focused on that training and you've been hard on that training and you've really taken it seriously, it never actually leaves you.
22:08
SPEAKER_01: Like I can pick up, I haven't shot a pistol in probably six months.
22:11
SPEAKER_01: Different laws here.
22:12
SPEAKER_01: If I was in the US, I'd be shooting all the time, but different things here.
22:15
SPEAKER_01: But I remember last time I picked it up, my first like five rounds were average, but they're still better than a general person.
22:22
SPEAKER_01: I was still hitting target, you know.
22:24
SPEAKER_01: And I had never shot that pistol before, I never shot that pistol before, and I hadn't really shot red dots before.
22:29
SPEAKER_01: And my dad's pistol had a red dot on it.
22:30
SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, cool, I want to shoot this.
22:32
SPEAKER_01: And first couple rounds were kind of really widespread, and then they just started to you know narrow in.
22:37
SPEAKER_02: So it's it's yeah, it's that's it.
22:39
SPEAKER_02: It kicks the training kicks in, absolutely.
22:41
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I want to get into the motorcycle thing.
22:43
SPEAKER_02: We've we've got about seven, eight minutes left here.
22:45
SPEAKER_02: Oh, sorry, Mike.
22:46
SPEAKER_02: So there's a there's a difference between leaving a job and letting go of the identity the job built, right?
22:51
SPEAKER_02: What did that motorcycle trip strip away that seven years of policing never allowed you to question?
22:59
SPEAKER_01: It let me connect back into my true self, which was the whole purpose of it.
23:03
SPEAKER_02: Amen.
23:04
SPEAKER_01: The counselor really identified, she's like, Chris, you know, what is something that you love to do?
23:08
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, travel.
23:10
SPEAKER_01: She's like, Cool, like obviously, you love motorcycles as well.
23:13
SPEAKER_01: Like, what is it that you've always wanted to do?
23:15
SPEAKER_01: I was like, I've always wanted to take a motorcycle across Europe.
23:17
SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Cool, well, why don't you?
23:19
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, well, the X, Y, and Z reasons, you know, cost, all this stuff.
23:23
SPEAKER_01: I was like, But I might be able to do it in the US.
23:25
SPEAKER_01: My uncle's got a Harley.
23:26
SPEAKER_01: And so I actually called my uncle up, told him kind of what was going on.
23:30
SPEAKER_01: He said, Yep, I can use my use as Harley.
23:32
SPEAKER_01: I can, you know, go travel on it.
23:33
SPEAKER_01: He called me up two days before I went and said I can't use his Harley.
23:36
SPEAKER_01: So I ended up having to buy one.
23:37
SPEAKER_01: But again, had different things.
23:39
SPEAKER_01: My mom was like, Cool, I'll pay for you to buy a bike.
23:41
SPEAKER_01: Just pay me back when you can't.
23:45
SPEAKER_01: And it allowed me to really touch into it.
23:47
SPEAKER_01: I'm a very purpose-driven person as part of my identity to look for the outcome and then drive and focus towards that.
23:53
SPEAKER_01: So goal-driven.
23:55
SPEAKER_01: Uh when I left, it wasn't, you know, everybody looks at my photos from that trip and they talk, I talk about that trip and they love it.
24:00
SPEAKER_01: It was about finding myself again.
24:03
SPEAKER_01: And so, with that purpose, I forced myself to talk to people.
24:06
SPEAKER_01: I forced myself to interact with people that I wouldn't that I did not want to.
24:09
SPEAKER_01: If it felt scary, I leaned into it.
24:14
SPEAKER_02: And and that's the difference that most people don't.
24:16
SPEAKER_02: No, you know most people, most people vary it, right?
24:20
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but that's that's how you improve, that's how you move forward, that's how you learn from things and all the other stuff.
24:26
SPEAKER_02: When it's uncomfortable, that's when you really should lean into it.
24:29
SPEAKER_02: When you talk about that a little bit more if you look, I think it's a super important aspect in everybody's life.
24:35
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'll give you, I love stories.
24:36
SPEAKER_01: I'll give you, I'll give you a little a little story, and I know time-wise, I'll keep it as as as quick as possible.
24:42
SPEAKER_02: Uh Chris, we we own the place, we can go over a couple of minutes, go.
24:46
SPEAKER_01: Uh, so I remember two situations.
24:50
SPEAKER_01: One, well, the biggest situation, which I think your audience will really relate to, is I pulled into a gas station.
24:56
SPEAKER_01: Now let's put it, I'll put this in perspective.
24:58
SPEAKER_01: I'm driving a if for those that love no bikes, a 2004 or 2006 uh V Star 1100 cruiser with leather saddlebags on it, a backrest for the back for the pillion seat, and I have a dry bag, a duffel bag dry bag, bungee corded to the back seat.
25:15
SPEAKER_01: So that's all my shit is sitting in one duffel bag that is literally just bungeed onto the back of the bike.
25:20
SPEAKER_01: Right.
25:20
SPEAKER_01: So it doesn't go anywhere, but if somebody wants to steal it, they literally just unclip two bungees and they can walk away with my my whole life that I have with me at the time.
25:28
SPEAKER_01: I pull into a gas station and there's a homeless guy sitting and sitting sitting there, and my mind, threat mind is oh my god, this person's gonna steal my shit.
25:37
SPEAKER_01: I have to go inside and pay for my gas.
25:38
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:40
SPEAKER_01: And so instead of running from it and going to a different gas station or you know, going away, you know, going to the gas station just down the road, I was like, no, Chris, why are you here?
25:49
SPEAKER_01: You're here to better yourself.
25:50
SPEAKER_01: Go talk to the fucking guy.
25:52
SPEAKER_01: Excuse the language, hopefully it's fine, Mike.
25:54
SPEAKER_02: So I'm gonna click on Facebook, we're good.
25:58
SPEAKER_01: You're good, you're good.
25:59
SPEAKER_01: And I and I go and I go and I I I talked to the guy and I go, I go, hey man, how like how's it going?
26:04
SPEAKER_01: And I sat with the guy for a for a second.
26:06
SPEAKER_01: Turns out he was a vet that struggling coming back from the Middle East, and I was like, dude, let me buy you a coffee.
26:12
SPEAKER_01: And so I took him inside, bought him like, I was like, you know, grab a coffee.
26:15
SPEAKER_01: I was like, dude, grab whatever you want.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: Now let's take I'll put this into perspective as well.
26:18
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing this budget of this this whole ride on a budget.
26:21
SPEAKER_01: I did 8,000 miles around the U, you know, from Reading, California to Houston and back again in two and a half months.
26:27
SPEAKER_01: And I had, including the bike, I had about what did I have?
26:31
SPEAKER_01: That was 10k New Zealand, it was about 7k US that I had to spend for the whole time.
26:36
SPEAKER_01: Right, two and a half months for everything, fuel, food, everything.
26:40
SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, okay, but I'm like, I'm gonna buy this guy one because I was like, I care about veterans, I care about you know, again, that that that side of things, and I was like, cool, let me buy you a copy.
26:52
SPEAKER_01: But two, it was give him away from the bike, I don't have to worry about him now.
26:56
SPEAKER_01: True, but also it went against everything in my body to actually even talk to him and actually tell him my story so that then he would open up about his.
27:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and so yeah, go ahead.
27:08
SPEAKER_01: That's leaning, that's leaning into it.
27:10
SPEAKER_01: That's leaning into that fear.
27:11
SPEAKER_01: The next one was talking to another guy on a motorcycle.
27:15
SPEAKER_01: Very, very like it was like day three.
27:17
SPEAKER_01: Turned out, uh talked with him.
27:19
SPEAKER_01: We ended up going and we ended up camping together and in some pool hot pools, ended up having drinks with people, getting absolutely drunk as a skunk in a hot pool with a bunch of with a couple guys and a and and a guy's wife.
27:30
SPEAKER_01: And again, wouldn't have had those experiences and wouldn't have learned stuff.
27:34
SPEAKER_01: Third one, and I'm just reinforcing these for those that are listening.
27:37
SPEAKER_01: Third one was I ended up pulling into a car park again, wanted to go for a hike.
27:41
SPEAKER_01: I had to lean into the fact of I have to rely that my bike will be okay and all my gear will be okay because I want to see that thing more than I than I don't.
27:48
SPEAKER_01: Ended up talking to a guy in the car park was who was an X LA sheriff helicopter pilot going through a lot of the same stuff that I was, and because I told my story, he opened up to me and also it made me realize I don't want to go back to policing because I don't want to end up like him after 35 years.
28:03
SPEAKER_01: Right.
28:05
SPEAKER_01: Divorced, second divorce, I think it was like all these different things, but I didn't I wouldn't have learned all those things, and I wouldn't have learned all the learnings from those people if I hadn't actually leaned into that, and that's the biggest learnings that I learned from that trip.
28:19
SPEAKER_02: I I love it.
28:21
SPEAKER_02: You know, I had an experience as well.
28:23
SPEAKER_02: There's a out by where we are, it's it's we're out in the out in the boonies, if you will, you know, and it's all wooded and rivers and all this stuff.
28:32
SPEAKER_02: And there was a guy that I had seen out there multiple times, and he had on a bike, he's homeless, and he had a sign, God bless you, or whatever.
28:40
SPEAKER_02: And you know, I saw him a couple of times, and something just got into me to get out of my comfort zone and just go talk to him, right?
28:47
SPEAKER_02: He was a Vietnam vet.
28:49
SPEAKER_02: And I went I actually went and got him a healthy sandwich and got him some stuff to eat and just brought it back to him.
28:55
SPEAKER_02: And we had one of the most amazing conversations because I got out of my comfort zone and you know, of course, he was seen, which was amazing.
29:04
SPEAKER_02: It was just one of those get out of your comfort zone because generally when you're when when you do all the things you're telling yourself that are gonna happen aren't true, and ends up generally being an amazing thing.
29:18
SPEAKER_02: You know, let's talk about you know podcasting, right?
29:21
SPEAKER_02: You do it when you first started, you're probably like, oh shit, what am I doing?
29:24
SPEAKER_02: And then it ended up being amazing, right?
29:26
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it was for me.
29:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, the first few episodes are terrible, but it's but it was great.
29:32
SPEAKER_02: That's okay.
29:33
SPEAKER_02: You pull the trigger instead of aiming the gun, and that's the super important part, right?
29:37
SPEAKER_02: Because most people sit there and aim and aim and come up with an excuse why they need to aim again instead of just pulling the trigger and moving.
29:44
SPEAKER_02: But now look, look at where it is now, right?
29:46
SPEAKER_02: So I love it.
29:47
SPEAKER_02: Hey, do you have just a couple extra minutes?
29:49
SPEAKER_02: Because I do have one last question I do want to go through.
29:52
SPEAKER_01: I have as long as you need Mike, I am totally open to being here all day if we wanted to, but I know that we're not going to Bruto in six hours.
30:00
SPEAKER_01: Here we go.
30:01
SPEAKER_01: Let's let's make it a Joe Rogan conversation.
30:05
SPEAKER_02: One day I'm gonna have it at the studio, and we'll do that, my friend.
30:09
SPEAKER_02: Um, so so for the man listening who recognizes that the version of himself that helped him survive is now damaging the life he actually wants.
30:17
SPEAKER_02: And what what does he need to stop protecting and what does he need to start rebuilding?
30:23
SPEAKER_02: And I think you're the perfect person to answer this.
30:27
SPEAKER_01: That's a great question.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: And I remember like I know that you, you know, you sent me some pre-read notes and stuff, and I remember seeing it and going, How would I answer that?
30:38
SPEAKER_01: Especially like I just like I said earlier on, like I feel like you know, a lot of us we need those crazy parts, and they are us.
30:47
SPEAKER_01: I think it's again, it's not leaning, it's not it's not running from shit, it's leaning into it.
30:53
SPEAKER_01: And it's you know, the biggest thing that I stopped doing when I was in my hell, I call it my growth period.
31:02
SPEAKER_01: Let's let's reframe that.
31:04
SPEAKER_01: A little bit of both, a little bit of both.
31:06
SPEAKER_01: You know, you have to go through hell to to to get to to understand and have the perspective of heaven, is I stopped communicating, and I think that's the biggest thing, especially in guys.
31:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, we are trained from a very young age to I don't know who you are or not, but I mean, I was trained to feel my emotions, and uh, you know, there's a whole nother story, you can go down a whole nother path here there, but it was always to communicate.
31:31
SPEAKER_01: I was trained, but I know for most guys that I talk to, and even society, it's very much you can't look weak.
31:38
SPEAKER_01: And as a cop, you definitely can't look weak.
31:41
SPEAKER_01: As military, when you're out on deployment, or even you know, training, all that you can't look weak, right?
31:47
SPEAKER_01: And so you end up having this persona of I can't be I can't look weak.
31:50
SPEAKER_01: So when stuff's going on and you're feeling lost, or you're feeling down, or you're feeling like you you actually have no control, which a little hint, guys.
32:00
SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry to say this, but we actually have no control of anything.
32:02
SPEAKER_01: So as soon as you lean into that, you you start to realize that's actually okay.
32:12
SPEAKER_01: Once you kind of start to actually go, cool, I need to communicate, I need to ask for help.
32:20
SPEAKER_01: And I don't like to use the phrase it's okay to be not okay, but it asking for help, and the earlier you do it the better.
32:29
SPEAKER_01: I I use an analogy as all the all the trauma that we deal with as as police first responders gets put into a box and we put it over here into a box in our brain, and we go, I don't need to deal with it.
32:43
SPEAKER_01: Then we start to bury boxes around it of good stuff, and but then we keep adding to the box with all the bad stuff, and we kind of open it up and put it back in.
32:52
SPEAKER_01: What ends up happening is if we never actually deal with that stuff that's in the bad box, it starts to ooze and fester.
32:58
SPEAKER_01: Think about like rotten fruit.
32:59
SPEAKER_01: If you put a bunch of rotten fruit in a box and put it in your attic and left it there for years and then put boxes around it, what are all the boxes around it ended up doing?
33:07
SPEAKER_01: They all end up like decaying and getting it's the same thing that happens to your brain.
33:12
SPEAKER_01: And so if we can actually deal with those things before they become festering, oozing, fustery, nasty things that then infect all the other memories around, then we actually are a better man, we're a better person, we're a better first responder, we're a better husband, we're a better, you know, father.
33:29
SPEAKER_01: And I think that's the biggest thing.
33:31
SPEAKER_01: And the only way to do that is to communicate and again lean into the fact of sometimes I'm not right, and people know more than me, and I need to you know look at it and accept it.
33:42
SPEAKER_01: My mom gave me a really good learning when I was a teenager sailing around the world, and I wanted to go work, I wanted to go race on yachts.
33:50
SPEAKER_01: She's like, Chris, what's the worst thing that's gonna happen?
33:52
SPEAKER_01: I was like, they're gonna say no.
33:54
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Okay, cool.
33:55
SPEAKER_01: So I went around and I ended up getting myself on a yacht.
33:58
SPEAKER_01: And during the race, I was like, I don't agree with what they're doing.
34:00
SPEAKER_01: Like, again, me being a 13-year-old boy thinking I knew everything.
34:05
SPEAKER_01: How how how they're doing stuff isn't right, you know, it's not how we do it on our boat, blah blah.
34:09
SPEAKER_01: She's like, Well, Chris, do it the way that they want, it's their boat.
34:12
SPEAKER_01: You have you know, you need to do that, but two, take it on board, observe, listen, learn, and then bring it back.
34:19
SPEAKER_01: And if you and then try it, and if you find it doesn't work for you, then just put it in the back of your brain and just leave it there.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: And if you end up needing it, it's there.
34:27
SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, do it the way that you think works better until it doesn't.
34:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and so it's that same thing of like learning from other people.
34:34
SPEAKER_01: When I was on that motorcycle trip, hearing from other people how they were dealing with their trauma, and as soon as I'd open up, then they'd open up and they tell me how they worked through a lot of it or what they're doing to work through it.
34:43
SPEAKER_01: Same thing that we're doing here, Mike.
34:45
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's that's why I run the podcast.
34:47
SPEAKER_01: I'm sure that's a reason a part of why you run yours.
34:50
SPEAKER_01: Is it so that we can actually get our learnings out there for people to hear it from a real person, not a robot?
34:56
SPEAKER_01: And that's how you kind of should shift and use that control, actually let that control go is the biggest thing.
35:05
SPEAKER_01: Is it's making sure you let that control go because guess what?
35:08
SPEAKER_01: We're actually not in control of anything except for our own minds.
35:11
SPEAKER_01: That's all we have control of.
35:14
SPEAKER_02: Yes, you were preaching to the choir on that one.
35:17
SPEAKER_02: I gotta say something is you know, when first of all, asking for help and talking is not a weakness, it's the most courageous thing you can do.
35:27
SPEAKER_02: And and and when you find that safe space, that safe person or whatever it is, whether that be a therapist, a coach, what whatever the case may be, your your spouse, your family, your best friend, whatever.
35:41
SPEAKER_02: It's getting it out there so it's not just in you pestering where you think you're broken, you're this, you're that.
35:49
SPEAKER_02: The more you talk about it, the more you you know ask for help, or just again, just discuss it, the more it gets out there and the more you process it and let and then whatever people say back, like Chris was saying about the boat, right?
36:03
SPEAKER_02: Take what works for you, create a hybrid, put it on the back shelf, you may need it later on.
36:09
SPEAKER_02: Because how many times have you gone and 10 years ago you had a belief and then someone planted a seed and it became one of the best seeds and trees you ever had, right?
36:18
SPEAKER_02: That that gave you all this fruit and and so on.
36:21
SPEAKER_02: So really when people don't communicate is where the problems really happen.
36:28
SPEAKER_01: It's the biggest thing with my marriage.
36:31
SPEAKER_01: I know we haven't talked much about it, but it's the biggest thing with marriage.
36:35
SPEAKER_01: My wife and I talk about it all the time.
36:36
SPEAKER_01: Number one thing is brutal honesty and communicating.
36:41
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
36:42
SPEAKER_01: That's the one thing that's gonna keep us together for so long and kept us together through when I almost cheated on her.
36:47
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
36:48
SPEAKER_02: I I love I love that.
36:50
SPEAKER_02: And here's the thing I'm gonna tell you, men out there.
36:54
SPEAKER_02: A real great honest conversation with your with your with your woman is girl porn.
36:59
SPEAKER_02: I'm just putting it out there.
37:01
SPEAKER_01: There is nothing better, it connects you with them so deep.
37:05
SPEAKER_01: It's insane.
37:06
SPEAKER_01: My wife and I, when we go on vacation, we just got back from Gold Coast a week away, and like we had a conversation the first night that was hard, it was a tough conversation because we felt pretty disconnected for the last few months, and we we kind of identified a knew already why.
37:20
SPEAKER_01: And so, again, you know, everybody's like, Oh, you guys have such a great marriage.
37:24
SPEAKER_01: I was like, We have a great marriage because we've gone through a lot of deep shit.
37:26
SPEAKER_01: Um that's it, you work on it, absolutely work through it, and we don't give up on each other, you know.
37:31
SPEAKER_01: It's that whole thing of why did I go to counseling?
37:33
SPEAKER_01: Probably because I didn't want to give up on her.
37:34
SPEAKER_01: And I made a promise to her when I married her, and when we were first together, I you know told her that you know I didn't want to end up like my parents, which in turn was a divorce.
37:42
SPEAKER_01: Um, and her the same.
37:44
SPEAKER_01: And we we had a conversation that was hard, but the one thing that we actually said during it was, and she said it, she's like, I want to feel more connected with you again.
37:54
SPEAKER_01: I feel like we're not connected at the moment.
37:57
SPEAKER_01: We've both been having a lot of different stuff going on work-wise, and I'm changing jobs and like a lot of ups and downs coming into that vacation.
38:04
SPEAKER_01: But I asked her yesterday on the airplane on the way home.
38:06
SPEAKER_01: I was like, or the day before, I was like, Do you feel like we actually connected more together?
38:11
SPEAKER_01: She's like, Definitely.
38:13
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, and she's like, You?
38:14
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Yeah, definitely.
38:15
SPEAKER_01: Like, because we made it a priority, we focused on it.
38:18
SPEAKER_01: We were like, we're gonna communicate on this.
38:20
SPEAKER_01: We had some hard conversations, we had some, you know, of course, good conversations, but it is like you said, it is girl porn having that those deep opening yourself up and taking that vest off and going, Here it, I'm I'm being vulnerable.
38:34
SPEAKER_01: Like if you want to shoot me, shoot me.
38:37
SPEAKER_01: I know where I stand at least.
38:38
SPEAKER_01: If you want to, you know, if if if you want to work on stuff, cool, let's work on it.
38:43
SPEAKER_01: But opening that vest up so you're not trying to protect yourself all the time.
38:46
SPEAKER_01: And cops, military, I'm sure the same.
38:50
SPEAKER_01: It's hard because we don't know who to trust.
38:52
SPEAKER_01: And when you're in the depths of it, and you're I remember when I was in the depths of it, we I I was like, I had every cop around me was saying, Oh my god, like be careful talking to EAP, be careful to talking to counselors, all this stuff.
39:03
SPEAKER_01: I was at a point where I was like, I care about my wife more than I care about this stupid job.
39:07
SPEAKER_01: But again, I know cops that have been in it that are even deeper than I was in it, that like they will burn their marriage down to keep the job because it is their identity.
39:15
SPEAKER_01: And I know we didn't talk about a huge amount of that identity, but you are not the cop.
39:20
SPEAKER_01: You are not the cop.
39:22
SPEAKER_01: You are the you are you that then has the the wife that has the job.
39:27
SPEAKER_01: Um, and it's a very hard one because again, like we talked about a little bit, you have to be psychotic to become a cop or first responder.
39:35
SPEAKER_01: You have to care about that job so much that you will and people that you'll run towards gunfight when everybody's running out, you'll run into that burning building, you will go to the other side of the world to protect your country.
39:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you have to have that, but it's also remembering don't lose yourself in the process.
39:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
39:53
SPEAKER_02: I absolutely love that, man.
39:54
SPEAKER_02: Hey, so Chris, for all the men listening who recognize themselves in this conversation, what's the best way to find motivated masculine men, listen to your podcast, connect with you, or just well, I guess explore the work you're doing?
40:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, there's a few different ways.
40:08
SPEAKER_01: You can go to the website, it's mainly kind of promotes the podcast.
40:11
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it's motivated masculinemen.com, all spelled out.
40:15
SPEAKER_01: Again, you can go to Spotify, you can go to iTunes, you can go to Apple Podcasts, all of it is there as well.
40:21
SPEAKER_01: Or you can email me if you want to cut touch base and get direct in touch with me.
40:24
SPEAKER_01: I monitor all my emails, I don't have EA or anything like that.
40:27
SPEAKER_01: It is all me, but it's brotherhood at motivatedmasculinmen.com.
40:32
SPEAKER_01: And those are probably the easiest.
40:33
SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, Instagram is just Chris Chandler Yates.
40:36
SPEAKER_01: You can send me a message.
40:37
SPEAKER_01: I've got a couple Instagrams on there.
40:39
SPEAKER_01: There's Chris C.
40:41
SPEAKER_01: And then just Chris Chandler Yates without a hyphen altogether, or you can go to motivated masculine men on Instagram as well.
40:47
SPEAKER_01: So there's a few different ways, and I know you'll put the links and stuff around, but to be honest, man, just Google me and you'll probably find stuff on me.
40:57
SPEAKER_01: Uh-oh.
40:58
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I mean, let's get real.
41:00
SPEAKER_01: You'll find my link somewhere in this day and age.
41:03
SPEAKER_01: Throw it in chat GBT, be like, who is this?
41:05
SPEAKER_01: Chris Chandler Yates, and it'll throw you some stuff back.
41:08
SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh shit.
41:10
SPEAKER_01: So um you'll find good stuff, you'll find probably some stuff you don't agree with.
41:16
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
41:16
SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, it's real.
41:17
SPEAKER_02: It's real.
41:19
SPEAKER_02: Read it or don't, but it's real.
41:21
SPEAKER_02: You'll find me rambling about crap.
41:22
SPEAKER_02: You'll find yeah, right.
41:24
SPEAKER_02: If people, every everybody listening, uh, just so you know, if you didn't catch those, uh, they will be in the show notes on people with the podcast forum, so you can uh check that out to reach out to them as well.
41:34
SPEAKER_02: Um, as we know, time is the most precious resource we have as human beings.
41:38
SPEAKER_02: We don't get it back.
41:39
SPEAKER_02: Uh, Chris, thank you for spending this moment in time.
41:41
SPEAKER_02: You know, it's really to help our mission and make a difference.
41:43
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
41:44
SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Mike.
41:45
SPEAKER_01: Appreciate it.
41:45
SPEAKER_01: And you know, thanks to everybody who's listened, watched, or you know, gotten this far through it.
41:50
SPEAKER_01: Appreciate you taking your time to you know hear the crazy shit that I have to say.
41:54
SPEAKER_01: And Mike, thanks for you know what you're doing for helping all the first responders out there, the mil the veterans.
42:00
SPEAKER_01: It's I appreciate it.
42:02
SPEAKER_01: So I'll say thank you on on behalf of those that I know that you know that will appreciate it.
42:07
SPEAKER_01: Uh and my motto is train hard, test easy, because we're always being trained mentally, physically.
42:12
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it started as a physical thing when I was in law enforcement, but then I realized it's more of a mental thing.
42:17
SPEAKER_01: You need to train your mind more than anything because we're always tested.
42:20
SPEAKER_01: We'll always be tested.
42:21
SPEAKER_01: That little demon in your head will will always come back and try and push you around.
42:25
SPEAKER_02: So amen, man.
42:26
SPEAKER_02: If if something in today's conversation resonated with you, don't just move on to the next thing.
42:31
SPEAKER_02: We we unpackaged a lot today.
42:33
SPEAKER_02: And it was great, it was vulnerable, and it's just fantastic, you know, information, insight.
42:38
SPEAKER_02: So sit with it a minute and then communicate just like we talked about.
42:45
SPEAKER_02: Because when again, communication doesn't happen, all the issues start happening down the road.
42:50
SPEAKER_02: And if you know someone who needs to hear this, share the episode with them.
42:54
SPEAKER_02: You can also join us at your thoughtsyour reality.com where we continue these conversations around identity, transition, resilience, and growth.
43:01
SPEAKER_02: And remember, your thoughts shape your reality.
43:04
SPEAKER_02: We're out of here.
43:09
SPEAKER_03: Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of the Your Thoughts Your Reality Podcast with your host, Michael Cole.
43:16
SPEAKER_03: We hope the conversation sparks some thoughts that resonate with you.
43:20
SPEAKER_03: To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your realities, visit empower performance strategies.com.
43:27
SPEAKER_03: Remember that your thoughts create your reality and make sense.
43:32
SPEAKER_03: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.