Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 443. “The Negotiation Hack That Will Change Your Whole Life - What is BATNA and how to use it effectively

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443. “The Negotiation Hack That Will Change Your Whole Life - What is BATNA and how to use it effectively · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:18
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:22
Speaker 1: So today we are talking about how to stop selling
0:26
Speaker 1: yourself short and get what you are worth. Now, what
0:30
Speaker 1: I mean by how to stop selling yourself short is
0:34
Speaker 1: when we don't know what our value is or what
0:40
Speaker 1: is available for us outside of this thing that we're
0:42
Speaker 1: trying to negotiate, we often will sell ourselves short or
0:46
Speaker 1: we think that we have to settle for something because
0:49
Speaker 1: we are not really clear on what our other options are.
0:52
Speaker 1: So this is getting really clear on what your options
0:55
Speaker 1: are with friendships, with romantic relationships, with business and career.
0:59
Speaker 1: There's a huge one's business and career, with the property market,
1:04
Speaker 1: with absolutely anything. We're talking about how to stop selling
1:07
Speaker 1: yourself short, so you can really get what you are
1:11
Speaker 1: worth without kind of settling or begging. Okay, and I'm
1:14
Speaker 1: going to go into something called Batner, which I've heard
1:18
Speaker 1: a bit about more so in the in negotiating agreements
1:22
Speaker 1: within the business world. But you can apply Batner to
1:24
Speaker 1: absolutely anything. So if you've heard of batner, then you've
1:26
Speaker 1: come to the right place, because we're going to dig
1:28
Speaker 1: deeper into that. If you haven't welcome, it's a fucking
1:30
Speaker 1: great concept. But before we get into that, we're going
1:33
Speaker 1: to do a little bit of a brain fact And
1:36
Speaker 1: what I wanted to talk about was actually the idea
1:40
Speaker 1: of what happens when we inhale helium, Like is it
1:44
Speaker 1: really bad for your brain? Why does our voice go
1:47
Speaker 1: really high? Like what's happening? Is it something that we
1:50
Speaker 1: should be doing when you go to the party? And
1:51
Speaker 1: in how helium matter a balloon? Like what's the go
1:55
Speaker 1: good or bad? Is it like damaging? What's happening? So
1:58
Speaker 1: first let's talk about why your voice changes, and then
2:01
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about the safety, the or the
2:03
Speaker 1: dangers of inhaling helium. Okay, So firstly, your voice box
2:10
Speaker 1: is kind of like the top part of your larynx,
2:13
Speaker 1: right and at the top there are two strands of
2:16
Speaker 1: tissue at the very top, okay, and these are your
2:18
Speaker 1: vocal cords, and your vocal cords kind of vibrate at
2:21
Speaker 1: a frequency when you talk. Now, in general, women have thinner, shorter,
2:26
Speaker 1: and tighter vocal cords than men. Therefore they're in general
2:29
Speaker 1: going to have a higher pitched voice. I obviously don't
2:34
Speaker 1: have such thin, short, and type vocal cords because I've
2:37
Speaker 1: got a significantly lower voice than well, I don't know lower,
2:40
Speaker 1: but I've got a low voice. So you know, there's
2:43
Speaker 1: a big range for men and women with their vocal cords.
2:47
Speaker 1: But our voices are also a mix of multiple frequencies,
2:51
Speaker 1: not just the one frequency. We've got a mix of
2:53
Speaker 1: multiple We've got low, like medium or original and high frequency.
2:58
Speaker 1: Now when we inhale, so sorry, When air passes through
3:02
Speaker 1: these vocal cords, based on kind of the weight of
3:05
Speaker 1: the air is what's going to determine how much these
3:09
Speaker 1: vocal cords vibrate or how much air gets passed through
3:11
Speaker 1: at any given time, and that is going to determine
3:14
Speaker 1: the vibration and therefore the sound of your voice with
3:17
Speaker 1: the different frequencies. Okay. Helium, however, is a lot lighter
3:21
Speaker 1: than air, So due to this, helium moves through the
3:25
Speaker 1: vocal cords a lot faster than air does because it's
3:28
Speaker 1: so light. So because of that, sound waves move faster
3:32
Speaker 1: through the vocal cords, and that amplifies the high frequency
3:36
Speaker 1: of the different frequencies that we have within our voice. Okay.
3:39
Speaker 1: So it's kind of like this idea of if you
3:40
Speaker 1: were to record your voice and then speed it up,
3:42
Speaker 1: it sounds like a mouse, like it's really high pitched.
3:44
Speaker 1: It's kind of that concept. Okay, But if you were
3:48
Speaker 1: to inhale the gas, like sulfur hexafluoride, which I had
3:53
Speaker 1: never really heard of until I started looking into this,
3:55
Speaker 1: and I saw, like, what's that fame torktuow hosts, not
4:02
Speaker 1: Jimmy Kimmel anyway, a torture host. They were doing a
4:06
Speaker 1: game where they were inhaling this sulfur hexafluoride, and it
4:09
Speaker 1: actually significantly lowers your voice, and it's like that warped
4:12
Speaker 1: recording you know when you watch those movies and someone's
4:14
Speaker 1: kidnap someone and they're like, like a really low voice
4:17
Speaker 1: kind of sounds like that. And this is what's happening here,
4:20
Speaker 1: is that it lowers your voice because it is this
4:23
Speaker 1: particular gas is six times heavier than air, so it
4:27
Speaker 1: makes the waves a whole lot slower, and then it
4:30
Speaker 1: amplifies the lower frequency as if you were to slow
4:33
Speaker 1: down your voice if you were listening to it recording.
4:35
Speaker 1: So that is why we're getting this effect in our voice.
4:38
Speaker 1: It's because it is directly affecting the air that's passing
4:41
Speaker 1: through the vocal cords. Okay, So it's not some weird
4:44
Speaker 1: thing that happens in the brain that then affects your
4:46
Speaker 1: vocal cords. It is a direct effect on your vocal cords. Okay,
4:49
Speaker 1: so that's that fun fact. But should we be inhaling
4:53
Speaker 1: helium just for the sake of inhaling helium? Like, what
4:56
Speaker 1: are the repercussions for as far as our brain is concerned.
5:00
Speaker 1: There are dangers in inhaling things that are not oxygen.
5:03
Speaker 1: And I'm going to go through like kind of low
5:05
Speaker 1: risk dangers and high risk dangers. So helium has no
5:09
Speaker 1: oxygen in it whatsoever. If you inhale from a balloon,
5:11
Speaker 1: if you empty your lungs and go and inhale from
5:14
Speaker 1: a balloon, you've got no oxygen there whatsoever. So you've
5:17
Speaker 1: now completely displaced oxygen from your lungs and you've displaced
5:20
Speaker 1: oxygen from your brain. And if you take a big
5:23
Speaker 1: enough inhale from that balloon and you're only getting helium
5:27
Speaker 1: and no oxygen, then you can lose consciousness. You can
5:30
Speaker 1: get really really dizzy. For some people, they like completely
5:34
Speaker 1: pass out. Some people can even have a seizure because
5:36
Speaker 1: they've taken such a big breath in they've completely not
5:39
Speaker 1: allowed any oxygen in that breath in and it's already
5:44
Speaker 1: caused you know, this dizziness, and then because of that
5:46
Speaker 1: they're not able to get adequate oxygen in the next
5:48
Speaker 1: breath and then they might faint for a short term
5:51
Speaker 1: or sometimes they might even like have a seizure. Okay,
5:55
Speaker 1: so that's not ideal. But for the most part, when
5:58
Speaker 1: people inhale from a balloon party, you don't often see
6:02
Speaker 1: these really terrible side effects because it's relatively controlled. I'm
6:06
Speaker 1: not saying go ahead and do it. There is definitely
6:09
Speaker 1: those risks, but those risks are kind of mitigated by
6:12
Speaker 1: the fact that you know you're doing it from a balloon. However,
6:16
Speaker 1: if you are inhaling from a tank, I would never
6:19
Speaker 1: I would tell people never do it. Absolutely never fucking
6:22
Speaker 1: inhale helium from a tank. I don't care. If you've
6:24
Speaker 1: done it, you're like, I did it and it was fine.
6:26
Speaker 1: You shouldn't. And the reason for this is because the
6:29
Speaker 1: tank holds a lot more helium, right, and more pressure
6:35
Speaker 1: in it. So if you inhale from a tank, if
6:38
Speaker 1: it's too pressurized, it can actually cause an air embolism,
6:42
Speaker 1: which is like a bubble that gets trapped in a
6:44
Speaker 1: blood vessel within your lungs, and then this can burst
6:47
Speaker 1: and cause a hemorrhage in your lungs, which is fucking
6:50
Speaker 1: game over for your lungs. Right. The air pressure of
6:55
Speaker 1: certain tanks can be so high that we don't realize,
6:57
Speaker 1: and when we inhale, it's like quite a strong shock
7:01
Speaker 1: of pressure. Not only is it a shock of pressure,
7:03
Speaker 1: it's not even oxygen, but it's actually the pressure that
7:05
Speaker 1: does the damage. It can actually rupture the little air
7:09
Speaker 1: sacks in your lungs, the alveoli or whatever they're called.
7:15
Speaker 1: And if it happens to enough of those little, tiny,
7:17
Speaker 1: tiny sacks, then your lungs fill with blood and you
7:20
Speaker 1: essentially drown in your own blood, right, because you can't
7:24
Speaker 1: get oxygen in because then the blood's coming in. Rupturing
7:27
Speaker 1: those little tiny sacks is not fucking okay. And we
7:31
Speaker 1: never want to put ourselves at risk of rupturing those
7:33
Speaker 1: tiny sacks in our lungs because there is no resuscitation.
7:37
Speaker 1: You cannot resuscitate somebody who has ruptured those little sacks
7:41
Speaker 1: and is drowning in their own blood. So it's fucking
7:43
Speaker 1: game over. Don't want to scare you all, so yes,
7:47
Speaker 1: and then in that case, they have been actually reported
7:49
Speaker 1: cases of death people that have been inhaling from a
7:52
Speaker 1: tank and have died. But it's not necessarily the helium
7:54
Speaker 1: that has caused their death. It is more so the
7:57
Speaker 1: pressure in inhaling it. So if you've done it before,
8:01
Speaker 1: I'm glad you got away with it without any major injuries,
8:04
Speaker 1: but don't ever do it again. It's just not worth
8:06
Speaker 1: the risk. It could cause major damage to your lungs,
8:09
Speaker 1: if not death good times. So, yeah, we don't love that. Now,
8:14
Speaker 1: let's get straight into the topic of today's episode, because
8:17
Speaker 1: we are talking about batna. We're talking about how to
8:23
Speaker 1: get yourself in a position of negotiating power for everything
8:26
Speaker 1: in your life. You are going to learn how to
8:29
Speaker 1: negotiate better for literally everything in your life. You are
8:33
Speaker 1: now going to feel empowered, Okay, And I honestly think
8:37
Speaker 1: that that's the difference between happiness and frustration in your life.
8:40
Speaker 1: When we feel like we are in power, in control
8:43
Speaker 1: of where our life is headed, like we have choices,
8:46
Speaker 1: like we are not stuck, then we feel a lot
8:48
Speaker 1: happier because we have freedom. Okay, So let's talk about
8:54
Speaker 1: this thing that applies to negotiating strategies that have bang
8:56
Speaker 1: gone about for long enough called BATNA. So what is it?
8:58
Speaker 1: Batner stands for best alternative to a negotiated agreement. Okay,
9:05
Speaker 1: so this can be applied to anything. It's basically an
9:08
Speaker 1: alternative plan kind of like a plan B, but not
9:12
Speaker 1: in the sense that it's like a bad like lesser
9:15
Speaker 1: than option. But it's like, I've got this here right,
9:19
Speaker 1: this is here. So if I'm trying to negotiate something
9:21
Speaker 1: with you, there's only so much wiggle room that I'm
9:25
Speaker 1: willing to give because my alternative is actually quite high.
9:29
Speaker 1: The standard of my alternative is pretty high. This best
9:33
Speaker 1: alternative to this negotiated agreement. I'm trying to negotiate an agreement.
9:37
Speaker 1: But if my alternative is the standard's pretty high, then
9:41
Speaker 1: there's less wiggle room, less room for me to be manipulated,
9:45
Speaker 1: less room for my arm to get twisted to agreeing
9:48
Speaker 1: to this thing if it doesn't work in my favor,
9:51
Speaker 1: because I can easily walk away because the second best
9:54
Speaker 1: option is actually pretty fucking good. Okay. Now, I talk
9:57
Speaker 1: about this a lot when it comes to DAT and
10:00
Speaker 1: your single life. If you feel like you cannot be alone,
10:04
Speaker 1: you hate being alone, you think that being in a
10:09
Speaker 1: relationship is a kind of status symbol. If you think
10:13
Speaker 1: that part of your identity has to come with the
10:16
Speaker 1: fact that you are engaged or you are married, or
10:18
Speaker 1: you are in a relationship, and being single is a
10:20
Speaker 1: bad thing, then you're not going to put in the
10:23
Speaker 1: effort to really allow your single life to flourish, or
10:28
Speaker 1: not even your single life, but your life as a
10:29
Speaker 1: single individual to flourish, right, And therefore you're going to
10:33
Speaker 1: put all your eggs in one basket and you're really
10:34
Speaker 1: going to be focusing on I need a partner. I
10:36
Speaker 1: need a partner. Beggars can't be choosers. If you've got
10:39
Speaker 1: that mentality that I need a partner at any cost,
10:41
Speaker 1: then you're going to accept a partner at any cost,
10:45
Speaker 1: and it will cost you a fucking lot because you
10:48
Speaker 1: won't have your like your feelers properly out there to
10:53
Speaker 1: be like unhealthy, I've been down this road before. I
10:57
Speaker 1: can see that red flag coming a mile away. You're
10:59
Speaker 1: kind of going to be like, oh my god, Okay, yep, yep, yep,
11:01
Speaker 1: let's just I want to get into a relationship. And
11:03
Speaker 1: we see it all the time. We either see it
11:04
Speaker 1: in ourselves or we see it in our friends where
11:07
Speaker 1: we're like, oh, why you want fucking again. You're dating
11:11
Speaker 1: the same kind of person, but it's because this person
11:13
Speaker 1: can't fathom being single. They hate it, right, they hate
11:16
Speaker 1: being alone, or they hate being like as in not
11:19
Speaker 1: in a relationship. So this is exactly what I talk about.
11:22
Speaker 1: If you can build up your single life to a
11:26
Speaker 1: place where you're like, I have my freedoms. I've got
11:29
Speaker 1: a job that I'm really comfortable with, so I'm independent.
11:31
Speaker 1: I pay for myself, I pay my bills, My fucking
11:33
Speaker 1: bills are paid. I you know, go on my own holidays,
11:37
Speaker 1: or I do this, I do that. I love my
11:39
Speaker 1: spare time, my social circles, elite, I love it. I
11:42
Speaker 1: would love a partner, but my single life is really
11:45
Speaker 1: good to the extent that when I get into a relationship,
11:48
Speaker 1: I'm actually going to have moments of mourning this life
11:52
Speaker 1: because it's been so good to me because I have
11:54
Speaker 1: put in, I've warded it and watered it and watered it,
11:57
Speaker 1: and now I'm reaping the benefits and it's a really
11:59
Speaker 1: good life. That's your fucking batner. That's your best alternative
12:03
Speaker 1: to a negotiated agreement. You then walk into dating and
12:07
Speaker 1: your standards are so fucking high. Someone comes in and
12:10
Speaker 1: they're trying to control you. You're like, cunt ca haa.
12:16
Speaker 1: I pay my own bills, I run my own life,
12:19
Speaker 1: I have my own responsibilities. I know how to fucking
12:23
Speaker 1: you know, enjoy myself. I have a social life, I'm
12:26
Speaker 1: in control, I have my good habits, I've got everything,
12:28
Speaker 1: and you're telling me what to do. You're telling me
12:29
Speaker 1: that I can't wear that when I go out goodbye
12:33
Speaker 1: au revoir bond, fucking voyage on your merry way, right,
12:36
Speaker 1: because we're like, I don't need that. I don't need
12:39
Speaker 1: it because the alternative is this really good life. So
12:42
Speaker 1: that's a prime example, a prime, prime prime example. Now,
12:47
Speaker 1: So basically, in a nutshell, we're talking about that, we're
12:49
Speaker 1: talking about the most favorable option available if you can't
12:53
Speaker 1: reach an agreement in any negotiation. And when we talk
12:56
Speaker 1: about negotiation, I'm talking about obviously romantically, or will I
13:00
Speaker 1: enter this relationship, will I enter this job, will I
13:03
Speaker 1: enter this contract, et cetera. Okay, so the benefits are
13:06
Speaker 1: obviously going to be that you're not going to settle
13:08
Speaker 1: for less than what you're wanting to agree upon and
13:11
Speaker 1: you're happy not settling for less because you know that
13:14
Speaker 1: you can walk away if an agreement is not made.
13:18
Speaker 1: It's not about someone calling your bluff and being like, fuck,
13:20
Speaker 1: they called my bluff and now actually cut No, it's
13:23
Speaker 1: being like, genuinely, genuinely there, these are the things that
13:27
Speaker 1: I want out of this. And if they can't meet
13:30
Speaker 1: you there, like you're still able to compromise, but you're
13:32
Speaker 1: saying I'm able to compromise to this point and then
13:35
Speaker 1: no further, right, And if they say, well, I need
13:39
Speaker 1: you to compromise further, that's your walk away point, and
13:41
Speaker 1: you can walk away because you're like, the alternative is
13:44
Speaker 1: now better than what you're offering me, okay. It basically
13:49
Speaker 1: provides you with a really good benchmark for looking at
13:52
Speaker 1: new deals or new opportunities or offers in your life.
13:58
Speaker 1: You will have to work harder in a sense to
14:00
Speaker 1: create this benchmark, because you don't want to be sitting
14:02
Speaker 1: here hoping that something good will come your way while
14:04
Speaker 1: sitting in an unhappy life. So it does cause you
14:06
Speaker 1: to work harder, but it also allows for better options
14:10
Speaker 1: to come your way in your life, and then it
14:12
Speaker 1: allows you to walk away from unpleasant and unfavorable living
14:15
Speaker 1: conditions that don't work for you, like unhealthy relationships, unhealthy friendships.
14:20
Speaker 1: It also makes negotiating so much easier for you because
14:24
Speaker 1: your wiggle room doesn't have to be that big. You're
14:27
Speaker 1: very clear on where you're willing to wiggle, negotiate, compromise,
14:32
Speaker 1: and where you are not, and those non negotiables can
14:35
Speaker 1: be very very very stable because you are already providing
14:39
Speaker 1: that for yourself, or because you have that alternative option
14:42
Speaker 1: accessible for you if you need it. Okay, so I'm
14:48
Speaker 1: going to give you a bunch of examples, but basically
14:52
Speaker 1: I want you to think, when you have everything to lose,
14:55
Speaker 1: the wiggle room, the negotiation, the space to negotiate and
14:59
Speaker 1: compromise is very very big. Okay, this idea. If beggars
15:03
Speaker 1: can't be choosers, you get what you're given, that kind
15:05
Speaker 1: of thing. But if I have, you know, not much
15:10
Speaker 1: to lose, then I don't have to negotiate that hard.
15:13
Speaker 1: If my single life is pretty good, then I'm not
15:16
Speaker 1: going to accept some dud in my life just because
15:19
Speaker 1: I need to be in a relationship. And that's kind
15:20
Speaker 1: of what's happening with women across the board. Around the world.
15:23
Speaker 1: They're kind of like, I'm now financially independent. I've got
15:27
Speaker 1: my own fucking place. I've got you know, I support myself.
15:30
Speaker 1: I can even got savings of this. Of that, Why
15:33
Speaker 1: would I then settle for someone who makes me clean
15:36
Speaker 1: for them, cook for them, and provide for fifty percent? Like,
15:38
Speaker 1: why would I do that? And then people wonder why
15:40
Speaker 1: women aren't quote unquote settling, you know, past their thirties.
15:45
Speaker 1: I wonder why, because the fucking batner, That's why. Why
15:50
Speaker 1: is it important? Leverage? So the better you're batner, the
15:52
Speaker 1: stronger you're negotiating power. You've got leverage, clarity. If the
15:56
Speaker 1: deal that's on the table isn't as good as your batner,
15:59
Speaker 1: you're confident in living the offer on the table and
16:02
Speaker 1: walking away. It's not even you're not even trying to like, oh,
16:04
Speaker 1: they'll come chasing. No, it's not about trying to manipulate
16:07
Speaker 1: the other person. You're like, I've seen what you have
16:09
Speaker 1: to offer. I know what I have as an alternative. No,
16:12
Speaker 1: thank you very much. You walk away. There is no guessing.
16:14
Speaker 1: There is no oh did I make a mistake. No,
16:16
Speaker 1: you have a lot of clarity and protection. It stops
16:20
Speaker 1: you from making bad and unhealthy decisions out of fear
16:23
Speaker 1: or worse, out of pressure. Okay, if you are not
16:26
Speaker 1: happy with your alternative agreement or your alternative option, then
16:30
Speaker 1: you might feel pressured to make this decision in your life.
16:32
Speaker 1: If you're not happy with your life and everyone's like
16:34
Speaker 1: you need to settle, you need to settle, you might
16:36
Speaker 1: feel pressured to settle. Same with a job, same with whatever.
16:39
Speaker 1: So now let's talk about where this how this kind
16:42
Speaker 1: of falls into different life scenarios. Example one is job negotiations. Okay,
16:49
Speaker 1: you are offered a salary, for example, that is lower
16:54
Speaker 1: than what you would hope for. You're going for a job,
16:56
Speaker 1: or you're going for a promotion within your company. You've
17:00
Speaker 1: done all the rounds, you've done everything. You had an
17:02
Speaker 1: idea of what kind of salary you wanted. You go
17:04
Speaker 1: in there and they offer you the job at the
17:06
Speaker 1: salary is lower. You want a higher salary. You've told
17:10
Speaker 1: them what you want, but they're saying, no, no, this
17:12
Speaker 1: is what we're going to offer you. We know we
17:14
Speaker 1: all want this. We're going to offer you lower than that.
17:16
Speaker 1: So your batner is going to be a different offer
17:19
Speaker 1: that pays more. Like when you interviewed for that promotion.
17:23
Speaker 1: Have you also thought, well, while I'm at it, why
17:26
Speaker 1: don't I warm up my interviewing skills and just cast
17:29
Speaker 1: the net. Why don't just go to a bunch of interviews,
17:31
Speaker 1: Just warm up, go to a bunch of interviews, and
17:33
Speaker 1: see what's out there. Sometimes we're so tunnel visioned on
17:37
Speaker 1: I need to get this promotion at this place that
17:39
Speaker 1: we forget that our skills are pretty fucking transferable a
17:43
Speaker 1: lot of the time. And if these counts don't want
17:46
Speaker 1: to promote me, or if they don't want to promote
17:48
Speaker 1: me for what I'm actually worth, that's perfectly fine. But
17:52
Speaker 1: I'm also entitled to kind of cast the net and
17:55
Speaker 1: see what else is available for me. I don't have
17:57
Speaker 1: to sit here like a fucking sitting dug and just
18:00
Speaker 1: give take what I'm given. So in this scenario, you
18:04
Speaker 1: would have gone to a bunch of other job interviews,
18:07
Speaker 1: probably gotten another offer, and then you're like, if they
18:10
Speaker 1: don't come through with this, I have this other office
18:12
Speaker 1: sitting on the table at another company. I've got options, right,
18:16
Speaker 1: So I don't have to accept this or the only
18:19
Speaker 1: option is to just stay in the role that I'm in.
18:21
Speaker 1: Which is not what I wanted. Another option could be
18:26
Speaker 1: I do want to stay in my job comfortably. Why
18:28
Speaker 1: would I take on all these responsibilities if you're only
18:31
Speaker 1: giving me this measly pay rise. It's kind of this
18:34
Speaker 1: idea of like, oh, you climb the ranks and listen
18:36
Speaker 1: to that, and they're putting so much on your plate,
18:38
Speaker 1: but they're giving you fuck all financial benefits for it
18:43
Speaker 1: to be worth it. So your batner could be there's
18:47
Speaker 1: no way in hell I'm going to lose my peace
18:49
Speaker 1: of mind for that measly promotion. So if you're not
18:53
Speaker 1: going to pay me x amount more, I'm going to
18:56
Speaker 1: stay in my own job and they want you for
18:58
Speaker 1: that job, so it's up to now to wiggle or not.
19:01
Speaker 1: That's another potential batner. Or you could go freelance and
19:05
Speaker 1: make a decent income doing what you do freelance, if
19:08
Speaker 1: that's an option for your career, but you have to
19:10
Speaker 1: know what that batner is. You can't go in and
19:12
Speaker 1: then then you're on the negotiating table without knowing what
19:15
Speaker 1: your options are. You could be someone who's always wanted
19:18
Speaker 1: to go independent. You've got potential client set you could
19:21
Speaker 1: already start working with. It's like, it's kind of the
19:23
Speaker 1: push you needed. You've got all the resources available for
19:26
Speaker 1: you, you've got a bit of a net, you know, like
19:29
Speaker 1: a safety net of money that you could fall back on,
19:32
Speaker 1: and then you think, all right, this is it. If
19:35
Speaker 1: they don't give me the X amount of promotion that
19:37
Speaker 1: I want, that is my calling to fucking quit and
19:42
Speaker 1: start my own thing. That could be your batner. Okay,
19:45
Speaker 1: but you have to know what your batner is. And
19:48
Speaker 1: basically then you're in a really strong position to walk away.
19:52
Speaker 1: You can say this is what I want. They're like, no,
19:53
Speaker 1: we're not willing to give this. We're going to give
19:54
Speaker 1: you this, and you say, well, I will leave it.
19:57
Speaker 1: Then thank you so much for the offer, goodbye. And
20:00
Speaker 1: then if they do have the money, they're going to
20:01
Speaker 1: offer it to you, and then you can be like,
20:02
Speaker 1: well that's exactly what I wanted. I'll take it. And
20:04
Speaker 1: if they don't, then there's your answer. You don't have
20:06
Speaker 1: to fuck around. Example two is relationships, which are kind
20:11
Speaker 1: of already touched on quite a bit, but basically, if
20:15
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship that feels one sided, or if
20:18
Speaker 1: you've just started dating someone and you're like, hm, I'm
20:21
Speaker 1: not really loving these traits, these character traits, or where
20:24
Speaker 1: they're heading with their kind of values and morals with
20:28
Speaker 1: dating versus where mine are at. You ask for change,
20:33
Speaker 1: but your partner is not willing to meet you halfway,
20:35
Speaker 1: or what I've seen out guys. Fucking guys, because I'm
20:39
Speaker 1: fucking heavily pregnant as I'm recording this. By the time
20:42
Speaker 1: you listen to this, I would have birthed the children.
20:46
Speaker 1: But I am obviously the algorithm. You know, I'm looking
20:50
Speaker 1: at like baby shit and whatever on TikTok and Instagram.
20:53
Speaker 1: But because of this, the amount of women that are
20:58
Speaker 1: in situations where they've birthed a child and they get
21:02
Speaker 1: no nothing from their husband, And I don't even want
21:05
Speaker 1: to call it help because it's not help. It's the
21:07
Speaker 1: husband and the father being a father. It's like they're
21:12
Speaker 1: just not doing their job as a father. I hate
21:15
Speaker 1: the idea of saying, oh, they're really helpful. Who are
21:16
Speaker 1: they helping themselves? It's their fucking child, right, They're not
21:19
Speaker 1: helping you, They're helping anyway. Whatever. That's a whole other episode.
21:24
Speaker 1: And I always look at this and I think imagine
21:28
Speaker 1: being in that position but also feeling like you can't
21:31
Speaker 1: leave now, Like, imagine being with this person. You've got
21:34
Speaker 1: a newborn and your husband isn't willing to participate in parenting,
21:40
Speaker 1: in his role in parenting in the housework like and
21:44
Speaker 1: then these women are getting on the camera and talking
21:47
Speaker 1: and complaining and saying, oh my god, my husband, there's
21:49
Speaker 1: my husband, and they're just they're at that point where
21:52
Speaker 1: they're just publicly willing to just you open up about
21:56
Speaker 1: how terrible their partner is because they've just had it
21:59
Speaker 1: up to here, you know. So I look at that
22:02
Speaker 1: and I'm like, God, they don't have a batner, or
22:06
Speaker 1: maybe it's gotten too late now that now they have
22:07
Speaker 1: a kid and they feel like they can't walk away,
22:09
Speaker 1: do you know, like you know, or where they've lost
22:11
Speaker 1: their financial independence and then it need to be in
22:13
Speaker 1: this relationship, like you just it's it's fucking terrifying anyway.
22:16
Speaker 1: So this idea that you ask for change, whether it's
22:19
Speaker 1: because you have a kid and your partner's not pulling
22:21
Speaker 1: their weight, whether it's because you find that your partner's
22:25
Speaker 1: too possessive and aggressive and you're like, this needs to
22:28
Speaker 1: change if we're going to have a future in our relationship.
22:30
Speaker 1: But your partner's not willing to meet you half weight.
22:33
Speaker 1: A lot of people say, well, I tried to make
22:35
Speaker 1: them change and they won't. Okay, what does that mean
22:40
Speaker 1: for you? Does that mean, well, now I have to
22:42
Speaker 1: put up with this for the rest of my life.
22:44
Speaker 1: I ask for change, but they didn't change that. I'm
22:45
Speaker 1: stuck with them forever. So that's sad. Or do you
22:48
Speaker 1: have a good batner and your aboutner could be a
22:52
Speaker 1: really fulfilling single life. That might not be possible right
22:54
Speaker 1: now because you have a but I don't know, depending
22:56
Speaker 1: on situation, but that could be an option if you
22:58
Speaker 1: have a partner that is not willing to meet you
23:00
Speaker 1: in the middle, could you just walk away because you're like,
23:03
Speaker 1: I know what it was like when I was single,
23:04
Speaker 1: and I had a really good time, and I have
23:06
Speaker 1: a really good job and I have a great career,
23:07
Speaker 1: and I kind of I pay my own way. I
23:10
Speaker 1: pay fifty percent of this household anyway, so I can
23:12
Speaker 1: fuck off and do it on my own. So that's
23:15
Speaker 1: a big one. That to me has always been my bartner,
23:17
Speaker 1: my bartner in relationships especially well, I mean I've never
23:21
Speaker 1: had to exercise this bartner because by the time I've
23:24
Speaker 1: really built up my good single life that I was
23:27
Speaker 1: thrilled with. That's when I met Tyrone, and we've had
23:30
Speaker 1: a very healthy relationship, so I've never needed to exercise that.
23:33
Speaker 1: But my batner has always been I love my single life.
23:38
Speaker 1: So the only reason I'm in this relationship with Tyrane
23:41
Speaker 1: is because it is more enriching being with him, and
23:45
Speaker 1: I'm in love with him and it's amazing. Then needing
23:48
Speaker 1: to exercise that best alternative to this negotiated agreement, right,
23:52
Speaker 1: But it's there, and if things started to go south
23:55
Speaker 1: with my relationship there, and of course i'd try to
23:58
Speaker 1: fix it first, I would do everything to remedy it,
24:01
Speaker 1: to mend it, We'd put in the effort. But if
24:03
Speaker 1: there was no meeting me halfway, if there was no
24:06
Speaker 1: willingness to fix it from my partner's end, then my
24:11
Speaker 1: partner's very fucking good, very fucking good, because I know
24:14
Speaker 1: the life I can provide for myself. Okay, I know
24:16
Speaker 1: the financial independence I have. I know that all these
24:19
Speaker 1: things they stuck up quite nicely. I can exercise that
24:22
Speaker 1: if I need to. Okay, your batner might also be
24:27
Speaker 1: you might not have, for example, the financial means, right, now.
24:30
Speaker 1: But you might have a really good supportive network and
24:32
Speaker 1: you think all I need is a month to get
24:35
Speaker 1: me back on my feet, or two months and my
24:37
Speaker 1: parents will take me in or my best friend will
24:38
Speaker 1: take me in or whatever. I know that if things
24:40
Speaker 1: get really bad here, I can walk away and I
24:43
Speaker 1: have the support that I need. That's another potential. Okay,
24:46
Speaker 1: So there's you've got to look at what your batner
24:50
Speaker 1: is in relationships sense. The next one is something like
25:00
Speaker 1: housing and rental. Example three, housing and rental. So this
25:03
Speaker 1: is not letting yourself get too emotional about something and
25:06
Speaker 1: spending more than you would like if you put all
25:09
Speaker 1: your eggs in one basket in this rental market and listen,
25:13
Speaker 1: when we're let's use Sydney, Australia as an example, because
25:17
Speaker 1: the rental market is fucked here and like the prices
25:21
Speaker 1: of a joke and anyway whatever. If you live here,
25:25
Speaker 1: you know exactly what I'm talking about, and I think
25:27
Speaker 1: it's across Australia. But Sydney is just on that next
25:30
Speaker 1: level of psychosis when it comes to like the money
25:32
Speaker 1: that people pay for rent it's so whatever, and sometimes
25:37
Speaker 1: we will get too emotionally invested in what We're like,
25:40
Speaker 1: but this is the perfect place, and then you think, Okay,
25:43
Speaker 1: now I have to spend all that money. It's now
25:45
Speaker 1: out of my budget. And now I've looked at my budget,
25:47
Speaker 1: but now I'm going to extend that budget and I'm
25:48
Speaker 1: gonna no. We need to think, like, Okay, what is
25:53
Speaker 1: the best alternative. I'm going to stick to my guns,
25:56
Speaker 1: and this is what I'm willing to pay, whether it's
25:58
Speaker 1: rent or whether I'm buying a proper when I'm going
26:00
Speaker 1: to an auction, or whether I'm renting a place. I
26:03
Speaker 1: need to stick to my guns because I need to
26:05
Speaker 1: think what is the best alternative? And sometimes the best
26:07
Speaker 1: alternative would be you know, let's say we're talking about
26:10
Speaker 1: buying to put off buying for another six months, because
26:13
Speaker 1: if I then go up another X amount of money,
26:16
Speaker 1: then it's also going to negatively impact my life in
26:18
Speaker 1: all these other areas. So I have to know what
26:20
Speaker 1: is the best alternative so I'm not putting myself in
26:24
Speaker 1: a position where I'm so financially vulnerable. Okay, Like where
26:29
Speaker 1: can I where's that sweet spot of I'm willing to
26:33
Speaker 1: go to here but no further? And what helps you
26:36
Speaker 1: go to here but no further is to look at
26:38
Speaker 1: what are my alternatives. Okay, if I don't get this place,
26:41
Speaker 1: I could rent here instead of buying this place for
26:43
Speaker 1: six months and then maybe something else would come up.
26:45
Speaker 1: Or why don't I try a completely different suburb at
26:49
Speaker 1: least even just go and inspect. So that way I've
26:51
Speaker 1: opened my eyes and thought, look, I've never live in
26:53
Speaker 1: that suburb. And then I go and inspect a few
26:55
Speaker 1: places and say, okay, well I thought i'd never live here,
26:57
Speaker 1: but that's a really beautiful walk, that's a really nice cafa.
27:00
Speaker 1: I'd actually see myself being here. It's actually not the
27:02
Speaker 1: end of the world. The rent is a bit cheaper here,
27:04
Speaker 1: I could afford it. I could actually live here. It's
27:07
Speaker 1: possible for me. It's possible. So then you go there,
27:09
Speaker 1: you apply, instead of thinking should I should I offer
27:12
Speaker 1: more money? I don't even think that's illegal. But anyway,
27:14
Speaker 1: like all these things, instead of thinking, nah, that's the limit.
27:18
Speaker 1: That's the limit, and I've got alternative options for me. Now.
27:21
Speaker 1: The next one is negotiating like a partnership with someone.
27:26
Speaker 1: So example FORO is like business partnerships. So when you
27:32
Speaker 1: negotiate contracts or a partnership or anything to do with
27:36
Speaker 1: business or your career work. You want to always know
27:40
Speaker 1: what the other alternatives are. If you think I'm starting
27:43
Speaker 1: a business with my friend, I'm starting a business with
27:45
Speaker 1: that friend, and that's all you've thought about, and so
27:48
Speaker 1: you go in and you have the conversation and they
27:50
Speaker 1: kind of hijack the whole thing and you haven't planned
27:53
Speaker 1: in your head. If I don't get exactly what I
27:56
Speaker 1: need out of this, then I can't follow through with
27:58
Speaker 1: this business with my friend, no matter how which I
28:00
Speaker 1: love them. Then you might end up being like, oh, yeah, okay,
28:03
Speaker 1: and accepting really bad terms, really bad terms, and not
28:07
Speaker 1: because your friend's an asshole or a dickhead, but maybe
28:09
Speaker 1: because your friend's also super excited and they've just thrown
28:11
Speaker 1: down what they want and what they want out of it.
28:13
Speaker 1: So you've got to be like, I would love to
28:15
Speaker 1: start this thing with this person. It doesn't even have
28:18
Speaker 1: to be a friend. I'd love to start this partnership.
28:19
Speaker 1: I'd love to start this what do you call it
28:23
Speaker 1: collaboration or contract? But in doing so, I need all
28:28
Speaker 1: these things. Like that's one thing I've massively learned in
28:30
Speaker 1: my life is contract negotiations. Guys, If There's one thing,
28:34
Speaker 1: one thing that I never knew that I would become
28:38
Speaker 1: relatively good at is negotiating contracts. I have gotten to
28:43
Speaker 1: a point now where I'm so confident with reading through
28:46
Speaker 1: a contract and pulling that fucking thing apart and being like,
28:49
Speaker 1: that doesn't work for me, that doesn't work for me,
28:51
Speaker 1: that doesn't work for me. You'll be amazed at how
28:53
Speaker 1: many contracts I've gone through when it comes to like
28:57
Speaker 1: everything that I do, books and whatever, where I've had
28:59
Speaker 1: to be like this clause, this clause and this clause,
29:03
Speaker 1: can we remove it? And they'll come back saying no, no, no,
29:05
Speaker 1: we don't want to remove it. And I'll say, well,
29:07
Speaker 1: those three clauses that I've pointed out are completely one sided.
29:11
Speaker 1: Like it is not reciprocal. It only locks me in
29:14
Speaker 1: and suffocates me, but it doesn't do the same for you.
29:17
Speaker 1: There's no reciprocal offer or benefit on my end. And
29:23
Speaker 1: if these things don't are like, I'm not asking for
29:24
Speaker 1: the world. I'm just asking for the non recipitable things
29:27
Speaker 1: to be removed. If that can't be removed, we can't
29:29
Speaker 1: move forward. And I'll sit with that, and so far,
29:33
Speaker 1: every time they've come forward saying, okay, we'll remove them,
29:36
Speaker 1: because I think they know that I must have a
29:39
Speaker 1: good batner because of how comfortable I am with how
29:41
Speaker 1: I negotiate. I say, bang bang bang, remove it. No, Hello, Hi,
29:46
Speaker 1: exclamation MUCKs all through my email. Remove exclamation MUCKs and
29:48
Speaker 1: your emails. By the way, I think when you have
29:51
Speaker 1: a really good batner, you're able to be also very
29:56
Speaker 1: comfortable with what you negotiate, and then you could be like,
30:00
Speaker 1: even when I do negotiate, I'll be like, these are
30:02
Speaker 1: my non negotiables. Is there wiggle room here? Can we
30:05
Speaker 1: discuss this? So then they already know there's no like.
30:08
Speaker 1: I'm not bluffing, I'm not fucking around, I'm not wasting
30:10
Speaker 1: anyone's time. I'm just kind of saying this has to
30:13
Speaker 1: change no matter what, or we're not proceeding with the contract.
30:15
Speaker 1: These things I would like changed. But where do you
30:18
Speaker 1: sit with this? We can talk and then those are
30:21
Speaker 1: the things that I'm flexible on, and then we can
30:23
Speaker 1: maybe add one or two things here in this contract. Okay. Now,
30:27
Speaker 1: the reason I'm like this is because, like many people,
30:30
Speaker 1: I'm sure so many listeners as well, I've been burnt
30:33
Speaker 1: and we know what it's like, and then you think, Okay,
30:36
Speaker 1: how am I going to proceed because I know what
30:38
Speaker 1: that's like and that didn't work out for me, and
30:40
Speaker 1: I didn't have a good batner and I kind of
30:42
Speaker 1: cooked myself in the process. So how am I going
30:45
Speaker 1: to avoid that in the future. I've got to set
30:46
Speaker 1: myself up. So I've got a good batner, Okay. And
30:49
Speaker 1: then example five is personal fucking boundaries. The batner can
30:55
Speaker 1: be used for just everyday things. With personal boundaries, it's
30:58
Speaker 1: so good. So, for example, a friend is always canceling
31:03
Speaker 1: plans or they're always draining you emotionally, so your batner
31:08
Speaker 1: could be let's talk about canceling plans. And I've got
31:12
Speaker 1: a friend like this. I've used her as an example
31:14
Speaker 1: in this podcast. I'm not gonna name her. I actually
31:16
Speaker 1: love her so much, I'm not gonna name her. But
31:17
Speaker 1: she actually, to be fair, the last year, she's actually
31:20
Speaker 1: not really canceled on me. So she's she's definitely evolving.
31:24
Speaker 1: But she's someone that flakes all the fucking time. She
31:26
Speaker 1: flakes on me all the time. But and I used
31:30
Speaker 1: to let it get to me, I'd be like, fucking
31:34
Speaker 1: she's fluked on me again. And I had made plans
31:36
Speaker 1: and I and I'd done that, so I'd do my
31:38
Speaker 1: head in, right, it would do my head in. And
31:41
Speaker 1: then I thought, wait a minute, I'm here suffering. I'm
31:43
Speaker 1: the one suffering. Who's suffering me? She's suffering. No, she
31:46
Speaker 1: has no fucking idea, She's just doing her own thing.
31:47
Speaker 1: Whatever is it my job to teach her? It really
31:49
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be. I could stand her and be like,
31:52
Speaker 1: you have to because you do teach people how to
31:53
Speaker 1: treat you. But at the same time, you can only
31:57
Speaker 1: influence that. And it's not about like, this is just
31:59
Speaker 1: her act here. She's not actually treating me in the
32:02
Speaker 1: moment in that way. They're just her actions that she's doing,
32:05
Speaker 1: and she's always piking. So I thought, okay, what am
32:09
Speaker 1: I going to do. I can either end the friendship
32:10
Speaker 1: and be like she's disrespecting measure's ed, or I could
32:15
Speaker 1: make it work for me. And I wasn't willing to
32:17
Speaker 1: end the friendship because when we do see each other,
32:19
Speaker 1: it is so fucking good. I love her company. I
32:22
Speaker 1: love her company, she lifts my spirits. She's just we
32:25
Speaker 1: just laugh all the time. I'm like, no, I'm not
32:26
Speaker 1: willing to give this friendship up, even though this fucking
32:28
Speaker 1: annoys me how much she cancels, So how do I
32:31
Speaker 1: work with this so that way I'm not doing my
32:33
Speaker 1: head in So then I thought, every time I make
32:36
Speaker 1: a plan with her, I'm going to come up with
32:39
Speaker 1: something really good that I can do on my own instead.
32:42
Speaker 1: So often it would be I'd block out a cafe
32:44
Speaker 1: date alone and I would be like, I'm going to
32:46
Speaker 1: work on my vision board or I'm going to be
32:48
Speaker 1: writing this book. And I'd actually almost sometimes be like
32:51
Speaker 1: I wouldn't mind if she canceled, because I've got these
32:54
Speaker 1: like two hours blocked out and I'm really excited to
32:57
Speaker 1: And then it got to a point where then anytime
32:58
Speaker 1: she'd canceled, like oh babe, all good, because I'd just
33:01
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, now i can work on this thing
33:03
Speaker 1: that i'm I can be writing this thing, or I
33:04
Speaker 1: can be brainstormed. So I've created this epic buttner, right,
33:08
Speaker 1: And then you know, it's such a good fallback plan
33:10
Speaker 1: that I don't even blink if she cancels because I
33:13
Speaker 1: was already semi expecting it, and I've got this really
33:16
Speaker 1: good alternative that I'm quite excited to, like dedicate my
33:19
Speaker 1: time too. Okay. Another thing is like if someone is
33:26
Speaker 1: an absolute emotional drain, like an absolute emotional drain, but
33:31
Speaker 1: you feel like, oh, I need to spend more time
33:33
Speaker 1: with this person because they're like my only friend. This
33:36
Speaker 1: is I was talking about this in the Loneliness episode,
33:38
Speaker 1: about putting too much time into friendships that aren't actually
33:41
Speaker 1: beneficial for you because you're scared to be alone. But
33:45
Speaker 1: it's kind of the same thing of like, do I
33:48
Speaker 1: have to always spend my time with people that emotionally
33:51
Speaker 1: drain me? Or can I be doing something in my
33:53
Speaker 1: own time even if I'm maybe alone, or maybe I
33:57
Speaker 1: see you know, someone in my family instead or someone
34:01
Speaker 1: That way, it's a really good alternative agreement, because if
34:03
Speaker 1: I say to myself, I have no friends. I just
34:05
Speaker 1: have to hang up with these people that make me
34:06
Speaker 1: feel shit about myself every time, then you don't have
34:09
Speaker 1: it a good alternative agreement. You feel like they're my
34:13
Speaker 1: only option. I'm stuck with them. You've got to create
34:15
Speaker 1: good alternative agreements so that way, it's like, do I
34:18
Speaker 1: actually need to hang up with this person? Do I
34:20
Speaker 1: need to see this person today when I don't have
34:23
Speaker 1: the emotional bandwidth to put up with them, and then
34:26
Speaker 1: another one would be like a family member that always
34:30
Speaker 1: guilt trips you into getting you to do what they
34:33
Speaker 1: want you to do and to always saying yes okay.
34:36
Speaker 1: So a good bat nut is the more independent you
34:40
Speaker 1: are from this family member, the less you need their
34:44
Speaker 1: approval right or their support. For example, if you live
34:49
Speaker 1: at home rent free, you're going to feel like you
34:53
Speaker 1: have less negotiating power because you rely on them for
34:56
Speaker 1: something that's quite significant. If you had your own financial independence,
35:00
Speaker 1: if you didn't live there rent free, or if you
35:02
Speaker 1: didn't you know, whatever it was, then you would have
35:04
Speaker 1: much better negotiating power because they don't hold something over you.
35:08
Speaker 1: And then if you're thinking, well, I'm in a position
35:09
Speaker 1: right now where I have to live there rent free
35:12
Speaker 1: because of XYZ, then you've got to ask yourself, Okay,
35:15
Speaker 1: if I can't pay rent financially, what can I be
35:18
Speaker 1: doing to be repaying my debt? That still makes me
35:22
Speaker 1: feel like they don't have leverage over me. So, for example,
35:27
Speaker 1: am I really good handy person? Can I fix things
35:29
Speaker 1: around the place? Can I pay my way through physical
35:33
Speaker 1: you know, like, can I be the one that cleans
35:36
Speaker 1: the entire house? Can I do shit around the house,
35:38
Speaker 1: so I regain my independence and there isn't that leverage
35:41
Speaker 1: that they hold over my head? Okay, So you've always
35:44
Speaker 1: got to be thinking if someone is guilt tripping me,
35:48
Speaker 1: it's often because they think that they have that leverage
35:51
Speaker 1: over me. Why is it because they're financially in control?
35:54
Speaker 1: Is because they give me something that I can't repay?
35:56
Speaker 1: Is it because what is it? Okay, once you can
35:59
Speaker 1: determine that, think how can I pay my dues or
36:02
Speaker 1: how can I remove myself altogether from this so I'm
36:05
Speaker 1: not financially dependent. My biggest advice is, whenever possible, you
36:10
Speaker 1: make yourself financially dependent as soon as fucking possible. There
36:14
Speaker 1: are going to be people in your life that are
36:15
Speaker 1: so trustworthy where you don't have to exercise that. But
36:18
Speaker 1: in general, you always want the option of financial independence,
36:21
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to relationships, like you always always
36:25
Speaker 1: want to be able to exercise financial independence. That option
36:29
Speaker 1: should always be there. Whether you need to exercise it
36:32
Speaker 1: or not is a different story. Whether you're listening right
36:34
Speaker 1: now being like, yeah, but I'm in a really healthy
36:35
Speaker 1: relationship and my partner pays for absolutely everything, and I'm
36:39
Speaker 1: stay at home you know, partner or stay at home
36:43
Speaker 1: parent and whatever. That's fine, but you better have the
36:46
Speaker 1: fucking skills to be able to support yourself financially if
36:50
Speaker 1: you need to. You never want to be in a
36:53
Speaker 1: position where you think I can't leave because I don't
36:56
Speaker 1: have the skills, skill up, do what you need to do.
36:59
Speaker 1: That way, if at any point you had to leave,
37:01
Speaker 1: or if at any point something happened and your partner
37:04
Speaker 1: left you, you are not drowning thinking I can't support myself.
37:08
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't have the skill sets to do. So, Okay,
37:10
Speaker 1: you should always be able to because that's your batner
37:14
Speaker 1: in life. Okay, So basically, your batner is your power.
37:19
Speaker 1: So it helps you walk towards things that you want
37:23
Speaker 1: instead of negotiating things out of fear or out of manipulation,
37:27
Speaker 1: instead of getting your arm twisted. You're choosing something. You're
37:30
Speaker 1: not ever begging again, You're not hoping, you're not shrinking down,
37:33
Speaker 1: you're not fitting to this mold. You're the one in
37:36
Speaker 1: the driver's seat. You're making good decisions because you've created
37:39
Speaker 1: these really good batners, which requires effort obviously. So I
37:44
Speaker 1: want to give you as we wrap up this, this episode,
37:51
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you a couple of steps on how
37:52
Speaker 1: to improve your bartner and also just a couple of
37:55
Speaker 1: journaling prompts for like to build up your batner. So
37:59
Speaker 1: the first one is not obviously know your alternatives number one.
38:02
Speaker 1: That's what we've been talking about, like what are your
38:04
Speaker 1: real options if this thing doesn't work out or if
38:06
Speaker 1: this thing ends, And if I don't have those real options,
38:09
Speaker 1: what could they be? Look at number two? Look at
38:12
Speaker 1: improving those alternatives. If you don't feel confident, how could
38:15
Speaker 1: I really improve these alternatives? So they're really good options
38:18
Speaker 1: for me. If I feel like I'm in a really
38:21
Speaker 1: unhealthy relationship and it's the last time I'm going to
38:24
Speaker 1: go in and have that conversation to change things and
38:27
Speaker 1: fix things, what could be a really good alternative in
38:30
Speaker 1: the back of my mind so I don't feel desperate
38:32
Speaker 1: to stay okay. So, for example, you could be like,
38:35
Speaker 1: all right, I'm going to go in one more time
38:38
Speaker 1: and be like, are you willing to change? Are you
38:40
Speaker 1: willing to do these things? Let's have a talk. Things
38:42
Speaker 1: need to change in order for us to be together,
38:44
Speaker 1: because I can't handle this anymore. And if you can't
38:45
Speaker 1: meet me in the middle to have to leave, But
38:47
Speaker 1: then you've got to be willing to leave. Then you think,
38:49
Speaker 1: I've also just looked up this course in Belgium, and
38:52
Speaker 1: I'm fucking if you say no, I'm out of here,
38:55
Speaker 1: that's your about night right or whatever it is. Or
38:57
Speaker 1: I'm going to like gonna put I in your head.
39:00
Speaker 1: But you've got to think what could that be? How
39:03
Speaker 1: can I improve my alternatives? So they really look like
39:06
Speaker 1: tempting options for me, So I'm actually quite confident to
39:09
Speaker 1: ask for what I want. Can you grow your skill
39:12
Speaker 1: set and knowledge? Can you improve on your mental health
39:14
Speaker 1: and your daily routines? Can you get better at saving money?
39:17
Speaker 1: Can you get better at networking your experiences? What is it?
39:21
Speaker 1: Where can you improve? So your batner gets stronger and
39:23
Speaker 1: stronger and stronger. Number three, Get clear on your breaking
39:27
Speaker 1: point when you walk away. So there comes a time
39:30
Speaker 1: in negotiating where you know that's the walk away point,
39:32
Speaker 1: and the better you're batner that the lower the threshold
39:35
Speaker 1: of that walk away point is. So have a very
39:38
Speaker 1: clear walkway point. Know what that looks like. So you're like,
39:41
Speaker 1: I can negotiate up to here, but no further, because
39:43
Speaker 1: if I were to negotiate further than this, I'm now
39:46
Speaker 1: worse off than my alternative option. That's the point of
39:49
Speaker 1: a batner. If you don't have that alternative option, you're
39:52
Speaker 1: going to keep negotiating down, down, down, down down. You're
39:54
Speaker 1: going to take like trash from people. Okay. And then
39:58
Speaker 1: another thing is don't necessarily been flaunting your batner. You
40:02
Speaker 1: don't need to be flaunting your buttner. Okay. It just
40:06
Speaker 1: calmly exists in your knowledge. You don't need to wave
40:09
Speaker 1: it in people's face. You don't need to say, well,
40:11
Speaker 1: I have this agreement, I have this job offer. I
40:13
Speaker 1: have to sit comfortably ask for what it is that
40:15
Speaker 1: you want. And if they're like, well we can't do that,
40:18
Speaker 1: just say well, if you can't do that, I can't
40:20
Speaker 1: accept this role. Then they may or may not call
40:23
Speaker 1: your bluff, and then based on that you then take action.
40:26
Speaker 1: But you don't have to be saying this is the
40:28
Speaker 1: alternative that I've got. You don't have to do that, Okay.
40:31
Speaker 1: They shouldn't have to know this knowledge to treat you
40:35
Speaker 1: how you need to be treated, or to offer you
40:37
Speaker 1: the money that they're able to afford. If they can't
40:39
Speaker 1: afford you, they can't afford you, and that's okay, but
40:42
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be because they're like, oh fuck, we could
40:45
Speaker 1: have afforded her, but the reason we didn't is because
40:48
Speaker 1: we just didn't want to pay her that much money. Okay, Now,
40:53
Speaker 1: journaling prompts to wrap it up. And I'm also going
40:55
Speaker 1: to do a little sheet and have it as a
40:57
Speaker 1: downloadable sheet on my website www dot dfmpod dot com
41:03
Speaker 1: for you to fucking yeah. Uh, this is what you're
41:08
Speaker 1: going to do. How to build your about nut Journaling Prompts.
41:10
Speaker 1: Number one? What situation in my life feels like it's
41:13
Speaker 1: hanging in the balance right now? Okay? Could this be
41:17
Speaker 1: a job, a relationship, a decision that I'm scared to make?
41:20
Speaker 1: Where does it feel like it's hanging in the balance? Okay?
41:23
Speaker 1: Number two? What am I afraid will happen if I
41:27
Speaker 1: walk away? List all the fears, List the irrational fears, everything,
41:32
Speaker 1: Write it down. Okay, get clear on where your head
41:35
Speaker 1: is at, because you need to like get all that
41:36
Speaker 1: head noise down onto paper. Number three, What could I
41:41
Speaker 1: do instead if this deal or relationship or job or
41:47
Speaker 1: whatever it is, house offer whatever falls through? Okay, List
41:54
Speaker 1: every alternative, even if it's not the best alternative, even
41:57
Speaker 1: if it's a really outrageous alternative, whatever it is, what
42:01
Speaker 1: could I do instead if this thing fell through or
42:04
Speaker 1: if it didn't work out how I wanted it to
42:06
Speaker 1: work out. Number four? How can I improve or strengthen
42:11
Speaker 1: these alternatives? Like I said earlier about like can I
42:15
Speaker 1: network better? Can I have a better skills set? Do
42:17
Speaker 1: I need to educate myself more? And do I need
42:19
Speaker 1: to like reel it in and start getting better at
42:21
Speaker 1: saving money? So that way I now have a bit
42:24
Speaker 1: of a like a stash, and I'm like, I can
42:27
Speaker 1: walk away if I need to, or I can, you know,
42:28
Speaker 1: go and rent a place on my own if I
42:30
Speaker 1: have to. Number five, what would the most self trusting
42:35
Speaker 1: version of me doing this situation? If I really trusted
42:38
Speaker 1: myself and if those alternatives were strong, what would I do?
42:41
Speaker 1: What would I be comfortable doing in this situation if
42:45
Speaker 1: in an alternative world, I backed myself like the people
42:49
Speaker 1: that I look up to and how they back themselves.
42:50
Speaker 1: If I was like that, what would I be doing? So?
42:53
Speaker 1: Or think of someone that you deems quite strong and
42:57
Speaker 1: who really backs themselves even through difficult times, and think,
43:00
Speaker 1: how could I use part of that energy and use
43:03
Speaker 1: it on myself. And then number six, the last one,
43:10
Speaker 1: how have I underestimated my ability to start again? Because
43:14
Speaker 1: you definitely have underestimated your ability to start again. So
43:17
Speaker 1: ask yourself, when are the times that I've said I
43:19
Speaker 1: could never die if this happened. I just can't. I
43:22
Speaker 1: don't know. If I could, I don't know. And then
43:25
Speaker 1: change that language and say, if this did happen, while
43:27
Speaker 1: it would be fucked, I would survive. And these are
43:30
Speaker 1: the options that I could do. If this didn't work out,
43:33
Speaker 1: I'd be heartbroken. But then these are the things because
43:35
Speaker 1: we're really catastrophic in our language, and I'm like, oh
43:38
Speaker 1: my god, I could never. I could never. You could?
43:40
Speaker 1: You could. It doesn't mean that you want to, but
43:42
Speaker 1: you can. You're way more resilient than you give yourself
43:44
Speaker 1: credit for. So that's really important to know. So basically,
43:49
Speaker 1: to wrap up, people with a strong batner come off
43:53
Speaker 1: as calmer, unbothered. They're more grounded because they are. They
43:59
Speaker 1: negotiation because they have a choice. They're not negotiating out
44:02
Speaker 1: of desperation. That's the key, key key to this entire episode.
44:06
Speaker 1: I'm negotiating because I have a choice, not because I'm desperate.
44:11
Speaker 1: Repeat that to yourself like a mantra daily if you
44:15
Speaker 1: need to. Okay, you know, you can want something without
44:20
Speaker 1: needing something to feel whole in your life. And that
44:23
Speaker 1: is the sweet spot in your life. Okay. It's how
44:28
Speaker 1: you feel value, It's how you feel safe. It's being
44:31
Speaker 1: like I have got this and I would love to
44:34
Speaker 1: have this, but if I can't have this, I will survive.
44:37
Speaker 1: And I've provided this for myself. My alternative is still
44:40
Speaker 1: quite solid. Okay. So yeah, that is going to be
44:44
Speaker 1: your power. If you can shift your mindset and start
44:47
Speaker 1: really leaning into your Bartner in every area of your life,
44:50
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, fuck me, fuck me, I am
44:53
Speaker 1: in control now and it feels really good. That is all.
44:57
Speaker 1: So go check out the website www dot wif dot
45:00
Speaker 1: com for the worksheet of these prompts and just for
45:04
Speaker 1: like a bit of a rundown on the episode. But
45:06
Speaker 1: I hope you guys enjoyed that. Hope you guys are
45:08
Speaker 1: able to apply that to your lives. Let me know
45:12
Speaker 1: in DMS or in emails or whatever. Let me know
45:16
Speaker 1: how you've applied it and how it's helped you negotiate
45:19
Speaker 1: better deals in your life because it's something that I
45:21
Speaker 1: didn't create it. By the way, Buttna is just around.
45:23
Speaker 1: You can even look it up on social media. It exists.
45:25
Speaker 1: It's something that's out there. I just wanted to do
45:27
Speaker 1: an episode on it and how you can apply to
45:30
Speaker 1: all these different areas in your life. But it's such
45:32
Speaker 1: a good idea and it's such a great thing to
45:34
Speaker 1: know about when we're talking about negotiating things, not just
45:36
Speaker 1: in business but in life. So that is all for
45:38
Speaker 1: today's episode. Love you guys so much. As always, remember,
45:41
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't
45:45
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone. I nearly choked. Don't take shit
45:47
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunker