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6 Misconceptions About Boundaries in Marriage - 235 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

0:00
Daniel Moore: This week it's a blast from the past.
0:01
Daniel Moore: While we take a short break from recording, enjoy a few of our favorite episodes from the past, and we'll be back soon with brand new episodes.
0:14
Michelle Moore: I want to kind of go back to that where we were talking about saying no to disrespect or burnout is not self-centered.
0:21
Michelle Moore: It's a way of caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health so you can love better.
0:26
Michelle Moore: I think a lot of times, you know, as husband and wife in ministry, you have to be careful with that because you do have to say no at some point.
0:35
Michelle Moore: Because you can get to the point where you're serving or you're doing this and you're doing that, and you you you can get burnt out.
0:42
Michelle Moore: And I think that, you know, just reading that of knowing that it's not self-centered, I mean, helps me tremendously, you know, because some people like Dan can say, like he said earlier, um, I think on our last episode, some people can serve, serve, serve, serve, and then not affect them at all.
0:59
Michelle Moore: Why others they can serve, but they can overserve, and you know, it it's detrimental on the inside where you know you don't recognize it.
1:08
Michelle Moore: But I think sometimes I like the fact that if your spouse or something like that, you can love better if you have to say no, and it's not self-centered.
1:20
Daniel Moore: This week on Marriage Life and More, we're gonna be talking about misconceptions with boundaries in marriage.
1:26
Daniel Moore: We'll be back to get into that right after this.
1:29
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host, my wife Michelle Moore, over here.
2:12
Daniel Moore: Hey, hey, beautiful co-host with me this week as we're going to go through another episode here.
2:15
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us.
2:16
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2:46
Daniel Moore: Well, last week we started talking about boundaries in marriage.
2:51
Daniel Moore: And we went through a lot of definitions last week of different types of boundaries that are usually put into place in a biblical marriage: emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational.
3:01
Daniel Moore: So if you haven't listened to that episode, you might want to go back and check that out before you start out this week's episode.
3:07
Daniel Moore: This week we're going to continue on deeper into that conversation on boundaries.
3:11
Daniel Moore: And this week we're going to be talking about misconceptions about boundaries in marriage.
3:18
Daniel Moore: So as we get started this week talking about boundaries, the first question we want to ask, I guess, is why do many couples avoid setting boundaries?
3:34
Daniel Moore: Well, many couples avoid setting boundaries in marriage because they fear it's going to create conflict, seem unloving, or make them appear selfish.
3:43
Daniel Moore: Some worry that expressing needs or limits will upset their spouse or damage their relationship, so they stay silent to keep the peace, but that peace is often temporary and just surface level.
3:55
Daniel Moore: Others may not even realize boundaries are healthy.
3:58
Daniel Moore: They confuse boundaries with emotional walls or rejection, especially if they grew up in homes where their needs weren't respected.
4:05
Daniel Moore: In some cases, one spouse may feel guilty for asserting themselves, especially if they were taught that love means always giving in or sacrificing.
4:14
Daniel Moore: Unfortunately, avoiding boundaries often leads to resentment, burnout, and disconnection, because unspoken expectations and repeated violations of emotional or relational space quietly erodes trust and intimacy over time.
4:29
Daniel Moore: So the second question we have this week as we start can boundaries exist in a loving, selfless marriage?
4:35
Daniel Moore: Yes, boundaries can, and actually they absolutely should exist in a marriage.
4:40
Daniel Moore: They should exist in a loving, selfless marriage because they are not about keeping love out, they are about protecting it.
4:48
Daniel Moore: A truly selfless marriage doesn't mean ignoring your own needs or allowing harmful behavior, it means loving your spouse in a way that honors both of you as whole, respected individuals.
4:59
Daniel Moore: Boundaries help define what is healthy, respectful, and safe within the relationship, which creates space for trust, vulnerability, and deeper connection to grow.
5:10
Daniel Moore: Far from being barriers to love, boundaries are actually a form of love.
5:15
Daniel Moore: They say that I care about us enough to be honest about what I need and to respect what you need too.
5:22
Daniel Moore: In this way, boundaries support, not hinder, a selfless, Christ-centered marriage.
5:28
Daniel Moore: So I know as we talk about boundaries, a lot of people like to probably cringe when they hear that word, because they just don't look at boundaries, I don't think, in a way that they probably should.
5:39
Daniel Moore: You know, a lot of people they misunderstand boundaries that they assume that they're signs of rejection or selfishness or even emotional distance.
5:47
Daniel Moore: But in reality, healthy boundaries strengthen a marriage because they protect intimacy, respect, and emotional safety.
5:54
Daniel Moore: So we're gonna talk about a few misconceptions here this week about boundaries in marriage and the truths that connect those together.
6:02
Daniel Moore: So the very first misconception here that we're gonna talk about, and this is probably one of the biggest things that people think about boundaries whenever they think about putting a boundary in place, they look at it as a wall.
6:14
Daniel Moore: And so the very first misconception here is that boundaries are walls that keep my spouse out.
6:20
Daniel Moore: Why don't you give us the truth on that one?
6:23
Michelle Moore: Boundaries are not walls, they're doors with doorknobs on the inside.
6:28
Michelle Moore: Healthy boundaries don't shut your spouse out, they invite a safe and respectful connection.
6:36
Michelle Moore: Walls say, stay away forever.
6:39
Michelle Moore: Boundaries say, here's how we can connect in a way that honors both of us.
6:45
Michelle Moore: For example, setting a boundary like I need 20 minutes to cool off before we talk isn't shutting your spouse out.
6:53
Michelle Moore: It's protecting the conversation from becoming hurtful.
6:56
Michelle Moore: And that's so good.
6:58
Daniel Moore: Have you ever felt like that a boundary was a wall in our relationship?
7:02
Michelle Moore: I did.
7:02
Michelle Moore: And when we first got married, it definitely was.
7:05
Michelle Moore: And you know, I as you're we we were talking about this, the boundaries didn't even I I mean, for me, I never even thought of a boundary, to be quite honest.
7:16
Michelle Moore: I mean, as we talk about boundaries like last week, this week, we're talking about next week, just this is just not something that I really thought much about until later on in our ma our marriage, and which is a healthy thing to learn about at the very beginning to be actually honest.
7:36
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
7:36
Daniel Moore: Well, the biggest thing is when you look at a boundary like a wall versus just a boundary that's there for a safe reason, is whenever you actually have a wall in place, you end up like we did at one point in our marriage.
7:50
Daniel Moore: Yeah, because that wall was put there to completely create a division between me and you for a reason.
7:55
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
7:56
Daniel Moore: You know, there were things that I did not want you to know about me.
7:59
Daniel Moore: There were things I did not want to be honest with you about communication, and you had the same issues on your side of the wall.
8:05
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
8:06
Daniel Moore: And so here at the very beginning, you you uh describe boundaries as doors with doorknobs on the inside.
8:13
Daniel Moore: And that's a very significant thing to say because what that actually is speaking is I have this boundary in place because this is my safety mechanism.
8:23
Daniel Moore: Right.
8:23
Daniel Moore: This is my safe space.
8:24
Daniel Moore: Not because that I'm locking you out, right?
8:28
Daniel Moore: But when I'm ready and I'm wanting to go ahead and communicate through this and figure this issue out or the situation, I will open that door and then we will uh we will usher in this communication back and forth to resolve and come to a resolution to this issue.
8:43
Michelle Moore: I was thinking of, you know, when I when I was reading this boundaries are walls that keep my spouse out.
8:48
Michelle Moore: It reminds me of a time where I was like reading a book um where Havela Cunnington was talking about, and I can't remember if it was a book or if it was just a study that she did online, but she talked about gates.
9:02
Michelle Moore: And the gates was well, actually a gate, a gate was to her backyard.
9:07
Michelle Moore: She allowed anybody to come through that back gate when she opened the gate.
9:12
Michelle Moore: Otherwise, she didn't let anybody in.
9:15
Michelle Moore: It was her boundary.
9:17
Michelle Moore: And I learned so much through that because we were going through a situation with our some family members, um, our kids.
9:24
Michelle Moore: And you know, sometimes you have to set those boundaries and you have to shut that gate.
9:30
Michelle Moore: And it's healthy.
9:32
Michelle Moore: It's healthy for the person that opens a gate and shuts a gate.
9:36
Michelle Moore: And I think that is the same as in marriage.
9:38
Michelle Moore: You know, you have that boundary that you have to do.
9:42
Michelle Moore: And so anytime I hear uh anyone talk about boundaries, I automatically go to my gate.
9:47
Michelle Moore: Like, am I allowing my gate to be open to this or if I'm shutting my gate?
9:52
Michelle Moore: Because if I shut my gate, I'm not gonna allow it to affect me whatsoever.
9:56
Michelle Moore: And it's not gonna go there.
9:57
Michelle Moore: But if I open my gate, then I feel safe.
10:01
Michelle Moore: I feel secure with this being allowed to come into my backyard.
10:05
Michelle Moore: And I'm gonna allow it to be in my backyard.
10:08
Michelle Moore: But that doesn't mean at some point in time that person may end up out back out on my gate.
10:13
Michelle Moore: Yeah, so it's protecting yourself, and the same thing in marriage.
10:16
Michelle Moore: You have to, you know, you do have to protect it, but you have to be, it's not a wall for you just to block everything out because again, that's what you did, yeah.
10:29
Michelle Moore: That's what I did.
10:30
Michelle Moore: And you just can't do that.
10:32
Michelle Moore: You have to be able to allow someone in that space, especially it's your spouse.
10:37
Michelle Moore: Yeah, but it has to be a safe space.
10:40
Daniel Moore: Yeah, when you're just talking about that situation that happened in our family, when that gate was closed, look what happened.
10:46
Daniel Moore: Yeah, over time it actually resolved itself.
10:49
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know, we we got to a point where we were able to communicate.
10:52
Michelle Moore: I like God.
10:52
Michelle Moore: I mean, God was when I shut that gate, it I mean, God God took care of it.
10:56
Michelle Moore: It wasn't like it wasn't immediately.
10:58
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it took several months.
11:00
Daniel Moore: Yes, but it still came back around.
11:03
Michelle Moore: But I knew I I knew I had to shut that gate.
11:06
Michelle Moore: Yeah, you know, and so it has to be a healthy one.
11:10
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
11:10
Daniel Moore: And so just always keep in your mind, you know, whenever situations come up that triggers you that automatically wants you to shut down and automatically want you to quit communicating with that person, just make sure that you're not building a wall.
11:24
Daniel Moore: You have to give room for God to move, first of all.
11:28
Daniel Moore: You need to pray, start praying about that situation and start opening that door for God to come in and start doing what he's going to do in that to help you get ready for when that time comes, that you can open that door from the inside with your doorknob and you can allow that situation to come back in at that point.
11:45
Daniel Moore: You can discuss it hopefully in a safe manner with that person and come to a resolution.
11:50
Michelle Moore: Well, I like the fact that it said, you know, setting the boundary like I need 20 minutes to cool off one communication and a boundary lets you know, hey, I need some time.
12:03
Michelle Moore: Let me cool off.
12:05
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
12:06
Michelle Moore: But that communication, communication plays such a big part.
12:10
Daniel Moore: Comes back into everything.
12:11
Michelle Moore: Oh, oh, yes, all the way.
12:13
Daniel Moore: Yeah, can't be married without communication.
12:15
Daniel Moore: Right, yes, it's just impossible.
12:17
Daniel Moore: Uh it's very and even if it is possible, it's very difficult.
12:21
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
12:21
Daniel Moore: If it's not there.
12:23
Daniel Moore: So that's the first misconception that we just want to blow out of the water here is the boundaries, um, they're not a wall.
12:29
Daniel Moore: They shouldn't be a wall.
12:31
Daniel Moore: You might be making it a wall, but you should not be doing that.
12:33
Michelle Moore: That is correct.
12:34
Daniel Moore: And make sure that you keep that as as Michelle described it.
12:37
Daniel Moore: I like how that analogy was, you know, as a gate and where it's just as a door.
12:42
Daniel Moore: However, you want to look at that, make sure you keep it that way so that way when the time comes, you can resolve that conflict and that issue and take care of that.
12:51
Daniel Moore: So the second misconception here about boundaries is that they're selfish.
13:06
Daniel Moore: Boundaries in truth, they are actually stewardship.
13:10
Daniel Moore: They're not really selfishness.
13:12
Daniel Moore: Saying no to disrespect or burnout is not self-centered, it's a way of caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health so that you can love better.
13:21
Daniel Moore: Jesus set boundaries regularly.
13:23
Daniel Moore: He withdrew from crowds, he said no to demands, and didn't let others define his mission.
13:28
Daniel Moore: Boundaries are actually a Christ-like act of love and clarity, they are not selfishness.
13:34
Michelle Moore: And what's funny is Havla, and I think that's the reason why the gate thing has always stuck with me, is because exactly when how Jesus set boundaries.
13:43
Michelle Moore: You know, and that's biblical.
13:46
Daniel Moore: Yep, it is very biblical.
13:48
Daniel Moore: But you know, when you start setting up a boundary to a situation where another person is involved, you know, more often than not, that person on the other side of that door does probably look at it like you're being selfish because you just don't you don't want to enter into this conflict right now.
14:05
Daniel Moore: It's all about you, it's all being centered around you.
14:08
Daniel Moore: But in all reality, just remember as spouses, if you guys have a disagreement or you have a situation that comes up that might cause some conflict where one of the spouses has to step back for a moment and put up that barrier temporarily.
14:24
Daniel Moore: Um, at the very beginning of that, make sure you respect that.
14:28
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
14:28
Daniel Moore: Even in the in the heat of the moment, when you're all mad at each other and and upset and everything, you still need to understand each other enough to make sure that you give that space.
14:38
Daniel Moore: And honestly, both of you at that point really need to be setting up a boundary at that point.
14:43
Daniel Moore: It shouldn't just be one spouse setting the boundary because both sides of that need to have a boundary there to make sure that you don't overstep each other's space.
14:52
Daniel Moore: And, you know, even in marriage ministry, um this is something that with our marriage ministry that we're involved in, uh there's a model that's used in that, and basically it's kind of uh sort of the way that you're talking about the gate in your backyard, but each spouse has their own yard.
15:09
Daniel Moore: And then you also have your own safe space, and you don't cross into the shared yard until each of you are ready and available to do that in a safe manner, then you cross over into the the shared spaces.
15:25
Michelle Moore: And one can't pull the other one into it.
15:27
Michelle Moore: Right.
15:27
Daniel Moore: It has to be a mutual agreement between both parties, and that's how you have a safe marriage that where you can cohabit and love each other unconditionally like you should and resolve conflicts.
15:39
Michelle Moore: And and not only in that, they when they're in their yards, they are focusing and working, I wouldn't say focusing, but they are working on themselves with the relationship with Christ because Christ is at the top.
15:51
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
15:51
Michelle Moore: So when you're completely worked in with God, then you come down into that yard and you are both filled with love with Christ, that the fact that you can work through those and see the other person's point, whether you guys agree or not, you can work through those issues.
16:07
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
16:07
Daniel Moore: And if you see that model, I'm glad you brought that up because that model is represented by circles.
16:14
Michelle Moore: Yes.
16:14
Daniel Moore: So the the husband has a circle, the spouse has a circle, the yard in the middle is a piece of each circle, and then a space in between where you both would cross into when you come into it equally.
16:25
Daniel Moore: And God's circle is in all of those circles.
16:28
Daniel Moore: Yep.
16:29
Daniel Moore: He's his crosses over into every aspect of that relationship.
16:32
Michelle Moore: It's it's it is a great model.
16:34
Daniel Moore: Really neat uh when you see that it gives you a whole different outlook and aspect on marriage and how boundaries should work.
16:40
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
16:41
Daniel Moore: And how they how they should work in a consistent way.
16:44
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
16:44
Daniel Moore: So when your spouse is setting up a boundary, don't automatically fly off on the you're just being selfish um tangent because that's not really it might be a case in some situations if it's an ungodly type of marriage where God's not in the middle of it.
16:59
Daniel Moore: But if you guys are allowing God in there, there shouldn't be any selfishness involved with that.
17:04
Michelle Moore: I want to kind of go back to that where we were talking about saying no to disrespect or burnout is not self-centered.
17:10
Michelle Moore: It's a way of caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health so you can love better.
17:15
Michelle Moore: I think a lot of times, you know, as husband and wife in ministry, you have to be careful with that because you do have to say no at some point.
17:24
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
17:25
Michelle Moore: Because you can get to the point where you're serving or you're doing this and you're doing that, and you you you can get burnt out.
17:31
Michelle Moore: And I think that, you know, just reading that of knowing that it's not self-centered, I mean, helps me tremendously, you know, because some people, like Dan can say, like he said earlier, um, I think on our last episode, some people can serve, serve, serve, serve, and then not affect them at all.
17:48
Michelle Moore: Why others, they can serve, but they can overserve.
17:52
Michelle Moore: And, you know, it it's detrimental on the inside where, you know, you don't recognize it.
17:57
Michelle Moore: But I think sometimes I like the fact that if your spouse or something like that, you can love better if you have to say no and it's not self-centered.
18:08
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
18:08
Michelle Moore: I I really, really like that.
18:10
Daniel Moore: When you're consumed with everything else around you, you don't leave that space to love each other.
18:14
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
18:15
Daniel Moore: If you can keep all of that stuff from consuming you, that leaves room for that love to operate.
18:19
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
18:20
Michelle Moore: Sorry, people, I had to do that.
18:24
Michelle Moore: Dan and I are having a day trying to record.
18:31
Michelle Moore: This has just been so funny.
18:33
Michelle Moore: We had our dog spark earlier, but that's probably going to be cut out.
18:36
Michelle Moore: But we just, you know.
18:37
Daniel Moore: We'll leave the motorcycle in there.
18:40
Michelle Moore: You're going to hear me say that.
18:41
Michelle Moore: But I just like the fact of that because I think sometimes, you know, you have to go back to the yard.
18:47
Michelle Moore: You have to work on yourself.
18:49
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
18:51
Michelle Moore: And if you're over-serving and you're not taking care of yourself and your uh internal relationship with Christ, you know, it's going to reflect in your marriage as well.
19:01
Michelle Moore: You know, you may be short with someone or you're short with your husband or something.
19:05
Michelle Moore: You need to pay attention to that.
19:07
Michelle Moore: I and I think sometimes we love God and we want to be doing things for God that you have to be careful with that.
19:14
Michelle Moore: And sometimes setting that boundary, you have to remember you're not being selfish.
19:19
Michelle Moore: And you're not going to let that person down that you're serving for or anything like that, or what you're doing, because you have to take care of your internal self.
19:30
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
19:31
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
19:31
Daniel Moore: And there's a lot of marriage, there's marriages out there that have fallen apart, even with pastors because they poured everything into their church and their congregation and neglected their marriage.
19:41
Michelle Moore: Yep.
19:42
Daniel Moore: And you would think if somebody's serving God in that way, how could they ever have that happen?
19:46
Daniel Moore: But it happens.
19:47
Michelle Moore: It does happen.
19:48
Daniel Moore: It does.
19:48
Daniel Moore: You have to be careful with that.
19:50
Daniel Moore: The third misconception: if I love someone, I shouldn't need boundaries.
19:55
Daniel Moore: So tell us about that one.
19:58
Michelle Moore: Uh the truth is love without boundaries becomes enabling, codependent, or even harmful.
20:05
Michelle Moore: True love includes truth and grace.
20:09
Michelle Moore: Setting boundaries like please don't yell at me when we argue is not unloving.
20:15
Michelle Moore: It's inviting healthier communication.
20:18
Michelle Moore: Without boundaries, one spouse can begin to dominate or disrespect the other without realizing it and damaging the relationship.
20:27
Michelle Moore: Boy, I go back to the earlier years of our marriage.
20:30
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
20:31
Michelle Moore: And this really explains it.
20:34
Michelle Moore: Like, you know, we are we we yelled at each other at times, and um it it is un when it says please don't yell at me when we argue is not unloving.
20:46
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
20:47
Michelle Moore: We weren't in a healthy boundary marriage at all.
20:50
Michelle Moore: So yelling at you was me like, this is what I have to say.
20:56
Michelle Moore: You're gonna you're gonna take what I have to say, and this is gonna be my way or the highway.
21:00
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
21:01
Michelle Moore: So I really like the fact it's invel inviting healthier communication, which we don't do now, but yeah, I can't even remember the last time we've yelled at each other.
21:10
Daniel Moore: It's been a long time, thank goodness.
21:12
Daniel Moore: I don't want you punching me.
21:14
Daniel Moore: That happens too much.
21:16
Michelle Moore: Hey, I didn't say that.
21:17
Michelle Moore: Listen to him.
21:18
Daniel Moore: I had to get you on the oh, you did.
21:20
Michelle Moore: That was a good one.
21:21
Michelle Moore: That was a good one.
21:22
Daniel Moore: Yeah, we we have to remember that even because we have a deep love for each other does not mean that we're never gonna have an argument.
21:29
Michelle Moore: That's right.
21:30
Daniel Moore: I mean, it is very possible for someday for something to happen.
21:33
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
21:34
Daniel Moore: And with the pressures of life, the pressures of family work, whatever it may be, everybody deals with that.
21:40
Michelle Moore: And we do disagree.
21:41
Daniel Moore: Yeah, and we have disagreements, and sometimes disagreements can get elevated.
21:45
Daniel Moore: Yes.
21:46
Daniel Moore: And you can raise your voices, you can say some snippy things that you regret later.
21:50
Daniel Moore: So just because you are fully madly in love with somebody, um, don't take that as a as an it to say that oh well, because of that, I don't have.
21:59
Daniel Moore: Set a boundary with you.
22:01
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
22:01
Daniel Moore: Because we're still human.
22:02
Daniel Moore: It doesn't matter how much we love each other, we still have those human instincts and those human attributes.
22:07
Daniel Moore: And there are days that we're going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed and something's going to flip that trigger and it's going to be a bad day.
22:13
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
22:14
Daniel Moore: And so you have to always make sure that you conscientiously keep those boundaries in place so that when that does happen, then you have a process of how to process all of that through and then get together with the communication once you're both ready and fix that problem and not let it go on all day long.
22:31
Michelle Moore: Right.
22:31
Daniel Moore: And so, you know, love does it being truth and grace, that's so true with love, because if we truly love someone, then we're going to be truthful and upfront and honest with that person.
22:44
Daniel Moore: Yes.
22:44
Daniel Moore: And then we're also going to give them the most grace because that's the person that we love the most in our life, you know, besides God.
22:51
Daniel Moore: And so we should have the most abundance of grace for our spouse over anyone to make sure that that relationship stays where it should be.
22:59
Daniel Moore: So if you're one of these couples that's just so madly in love and you drool over each other all the time, and you know, you've probably just been married a year and you haven't figured it all out yet because still need those boundaries.
23:10
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you still need those boundaries in place.
23:12
Daniel Moore: Um just make sure that they're good, healthy ones.
23:15
Daniel Moore: Yes, biblically.
23:16
Daniel Moore: And I can see people thinking that.
23:34
Daniel Moore: But the truth of it is all healthy marriages require boundaries, even the strong ones, and especially the strong ones.
23:40
Daniel Moore: Boundaries are sign of maturity, not weakness.
23:44
Daniel Moore: They show that both partners are willing to communicate honestly, take responsibility for their actions, and respect each other's needs.
23:50
Daniel Moore: The absence of boundaries often leads to confusion, resentment, or burnout, while the presence of boundaries fosters truth and peace.
23:59
Daniel Moore: And this one here, I think, is so good.
24:02
Daniel Moore: Especially from a guy's side of things, you know, when we look at love, we look at marriage and that kind of thing, a lot of guys are more on the manly side of things.
24:11
Daniel Moore: They're like, I don't need no boundaries.
24:12
Daniel Moore: We've done we're gonna be a man, we'll figure this stuff out, you know, and we want to come in like a like not reading directions and exactly.
24:19
Daniel Moore: So this would be, you know, something that we as men even have to remember that just because we love our spouses and give into the um the the womanly thing sometimes, or whatever you want to describe that, doesn't mean we're weak.
24:33
Daniel Moore: We give up our man card.
24:34
Daniel Moore: Um, that means nothing like that at all.
24:37
Daniel Moore: Um, in all reality, Michelle is thankful that I have my boundaries in place, just as I am that she has hers in place because it does.
24:45
Daniel Moore: It shows that we're both willing to work on our marriages regardless of what may come up.
24:50
Daniel Moore: We have those things in place to make sure that if issues happen, we can work through those.
24:54
Daniel Moore: And so I think it's super important, um, even just from the aspect of looking at it from the outside, that I'm glad that you have a boundary in place that's not going to allow something to come in and wreck our marriage because of something I say or do.
25:08
Daniel Moore: And I think you look at it the same way from the other side.
25:12
Daniel Moore: So it shows that we are being intentional in our marriage.
25:16
Daniel Moore: We are intentionally trying to make sure that those things are in place so that we don't resent each other in the long run.
25:23
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
25:24
Daniel Moore: Or we don't have confusion and what we both think or whatever.
25:27
Daniel Moore: We're on the same page with everything that's going on within our relationship, our family, and our home, and we're not getting burned out on each other.
25:34
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
25:34
Daniel Moore: Because that's in a marriage, that's the last thing you want to happen is that burnout.
25:38
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
25:38
Daniel Moore: You're you're living together the rest of your life.
25:40
Daniel Moore: So you have to make sure you understand how to keep this together.
25:44
Daniel Moore: And so I think that whenever we have these boundaries in place, then you know, that does it create that space of trust where I can trust you, you can trust me, that we're gonna handle things the way we should.
25:54
Daniel Moore: And then there that that keeps the peace in our home.
25:58
Michelle Moore: It's okay.
25:59
Daniel Moore: So uh the number five misconception boundaries mean I don't trust my spouse was the truth on that one.
26:07
Michelle Moore: Boundaries help build trust, not destroy it.
26:10
Michelle Moore: Healthy boundaries clarify expectations, reduce miscommunication, and prevent unnecessary hurt.
26:18
Michelle Moore: Um for example, saying let's agree not to share private arguments with friends is a boundary that protects uh for example, saying, let's agree not to share private arguments with friends is a boundary that protects trust, not suspicion.
26:36
Michelle Moore: And it's so good.
26:38
Michelle Moore: That that is very good.
26:39
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
26:40
Michelle Moore: And I think you know, just like how that example of you know, you you might not think that's a boundary and just say, hey, let's just not do that, but in all reality, when you are setting those, those are boundaries.
26:52
Daniel Moore: Yep.
26:52
Daniel Moore: Those are things that you don't want to cross over.
26:55
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
26:55
Daniel Moore: Because the moment that you do, if you tell me that, if you say, Let's not share these private arguments, and then I go do it, what's that going to make you think about me?
27:04
Daniel Moore: You're gonna lose my trust in me.
27:06
Daniel Moore: And so then what's gonna happen after that?
27:09
Daniel Moore: You're gonna question, you know, second guess in the future if I tell Daniel this boundary, is he gonna keep it or not?
27:17
Daniel Moore: Can I even trust him to, you know, do what I request?
27:21
Daniel Moore: And it would be the same way with me, you know, if something happened on the opposite side of that.
27:26
Michelle Moore: Now I do think that nobody's perfect.
27:29
Daniel Moore: Right.
27:30
Michelle Moore: And boundaries are set, but once in a great while they're you know, it's gonna happen, you know, and that's where the grace comes in.
27:39
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know.
27:40
Daniel Moore: And I think as spouses, I know for myself and I think you feel the same way, if you know each other well enough as a spouse, we know when we're truly repentant.
27:51
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
27:52
Daniel Moore: So I think there comes a point in your relationship and in your marriage where if I say, Hey, I'm I'm really sorry about this, I shouldn't have done that, I'm not gonna do it again, then you're gonna know if I'm being legit with that or not.
28:07
Daniel Moore: And so that's gonna build that trust back.
28:10
Daniel Moore: And then of course, as you set another boundary in the future and I keep that boundary, then that's gonna be that's gonna start building that trust back, you know, stronger again.
28:18
Daniel Moore: And so just because you put a boundary there um does not mean that you don't trust each other.
28:24
Daniel Moore: It just means again that you're trying to protect your marriage, you're trying to protect your relationship, and that does build trust because it's an honesty, it's really an honesty thing for the most part.
28:38
Daniel Moore: Because if and a if you tell me to do something and I say I'm gonna do it, and then I follow through, that's what builds trust.
28:44
Daniel Moore: Yes.
28:45
Daniel Moore: And so the more often that happens, then your trust becomes stronger and stronger in that person.
28:50
Daniel Moore: And so that's what these boundaries do.
28:52
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
28:52
Daniel Moore: Um, you you set them in place to protect your personal relationship between you and your your spouse and then the outside world.
28:59
Michelle Moore: Uh-huh.
28:59
Daniel Moore: And then when when you guys keep those boundaries, you keep, you know, going through those and not breaking that trust, then that builds that trust between each other and it just helps that marriage to flourish.
29:10
Daniel Moore: And so it's definitely if you've got that mindset that if I set this boundary, my spouse is gonna think I don't trust them.
29:18
Michelle Moore: And your boundaries can be anything.
29:19
Michelle Moore: Like it can be, hey, we're gonna set a boundary, we're not, you know, gonna spend this much money, we're gonna set this much aside, you know, or hey, you're not gonna go do this without me, or you know, it could be anything, but once you set those, make sure that you both are on, you know, on the same page and everything, because as you again, it's a trust and honesty.
29:42
Daniel Moore: Yep.
29:42
Daniel Moore: And the final misconception to wrap up the episode for this week on boundaries is boundaries always lead to conflict or distance.
29:51
Daniel Moore: Give us the truth on that one.
29:54
Michelle Moore: Boundaries may create temporary tension, but they lead to deeper connection.
29:59
Michelle Moore: At first, setting a boundary can feel uncomfortable, especially if one spouse is used to always pleasing or avoiding conflict.
30:07
Michelle Moore: But over time, they foster mutual respect, healthier communication, there's that word again, and lasting emotional safety, which actually strengthens closeness.
30:19
Michelle Moore: I really like that.
30:20
Michelle Moore: That's a good one.
30:22
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
30:22
Daniel Moore: You know, when you uh have a boundary set there, we know that sometimes those boundaries don't come with icing on them, you know.
30:32
Daniel Moore: Right.
30:32
Daniel Moore: Um sometimes we put those boundaries in place that it might upset the other spouse for a a temporary span of time because it may trigger that, well, you don't trust me thought in their mind of you know, depending on what the situation may be.
30:47
Daniel Moore: Um, but as time goes along, we know that healthy boundaries they do draw you closer.
30:54
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
30:55
Daniel Moore: And that connection bec because like we was just talking in the last one, uh part of building that trust to the the most trustfulness that we can have between each other, that does make our connection deeper.
31:09
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
31:09
Daniel Moore: Because the more I trust you, the more I love you.
31:12
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
31:12
Daniel Moore: You know, the more that I feel like I can uh talk to you about things, the more I feel like I can share stuff with you that I don't share with anybody else, you know, it it g it gets to that intimate side of things where there's stuff that I will not tell anybody, but yet I have a deep enough connection with you because I trust you because of these boundaries we put in place, and we've kept those uh those boundaries between us to be healthy.
31:36
Daniel Moore: And in a biblical way, I get to a point where I know that I can share anything with you and you're gonna understand or help me walk through or talk me through things, and I want to be that person for you.
31:46
Daniel Moore: And so um I know that it's easy to want to avoid conflict, especially if you have a r a personality like I've had in the past.
31:56
Daniel Moore: I still don't really like conflict a whole lot to be honest, but the way that I handle the marriage now with you, I don't have hardly any trouble with that anymore because me and you do such a good job of talking things out.
32:10
Michelle Moore: Well, I think that's the communication thing.
32:11
Michelle Moore: It is.
32:12
Michelle Moore: Yeah I mean, honestly, we trust each other so much that we're open and honest about everything.
32:17
Michelle Moore: I mean, I I I say things and I look at you sometimes and I'm like, I know what he's thinking.
32:23
Michelle Moore: And then he'll say it.
32:24
Michelle Moore: And it but it's like we've worked hard.
32:27
Michelle Moore: I mean, you know, being married over 20 years and everything we've walked through, it marriage is work.
32:33
Michelle Moore: I don't I I mean, it it's just work, you know, and it's not like you go to your job every day, you know, to it's like a relationship with Christ, it's it's work.
32:42
Michelle Moore: It's not just handed to you and be like, oh, okay, here you go.
32:46
Michelle Moore: It's it's work.
32:47
Michelle Moore: And communication, boundaries, grace, there's so much in a marriage that you have to have.
32:56
Michelle Moore: And you know, and I'm so thankful though that we've walked where we've walked to help us to be where we're at today, though.
33:04
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
33:04
Michelle Moore: I mean, if you can do that from the very beginning and not have to walk what we what we did, yeah.
33:09
Michelle Moore: That is that's awesome, and that's our prayer for everybody.
33:13
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
33:13
Daniel Moore: Well, there's that saying that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
33:16
Daniel Moore: And unfortunately in our situation, I feel like that's the mantra that we live by for so long because the turnaround in our marriage was when we almost got divorced.
33:26
Daniel Moore: I mean, it took that to make to help us to understand how important this relationship really is, how much we really do need to communicate, how much we do need to rely on each other and trust each other, and it just changed the whole um aspect of the whole thing at that point because we almost lost it and we truly loved each other.
33:45
Daniel Moore: You know, it was by stupidity that we ended up where we were, and selfishness and a lot of the other things you know that goes into all of that, and it shouldn't have shouldn't have taken that to make us turn around and and to realize that.
33:59
Daniel Moore: And that's one reason we share what we do on our podcast, because especially newlyweds, people that's been married five, ten years, whatever, you're still kind of the first parts of your marriage.
34:08
Daniel Moore: You it's so important that you start working on this stuff from day one.
34:12
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
34:12
Daniel Moore: You know, don't wait.
34:13
Michelle Moore: Keep God at the center.
34:15
Daniel Moore: Exactly.
34:15
Daniel Moore: Yeah, you don't wait until it's too late.
34:18
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
34:18
Daniel Moore: And, you know, a lot of people, if you go into churches and and talk to Christians or whatever, the first thing they'll say is, um, well, you know, you just need to pray about it because prayer changes things, you know.
34:29
Michelle Moore: And it does.
34:30
Daniel Moore: And it does to an extent, but in all reality, it's not things that prayer changes.
34:35
Daniel Moore: It prayer changes people.
34:36
Daniel Moore: People changes things.
34:39
Daniel Moore: And we always have to keep that in mind because everything that happens in your life is usually instigated by a person.
34:46
Daniel Moore: And so if that person does not change, then those things aren't necessarily going to change because you're still dealing with a person in the middle.
34:54
Daniel Moore: And so when you start praying about these things that are going on in your marriages and these bad things that are happening and all that kind of thing, make sure that you not only just pray for yourself, because you should always, you know, pray for yourself first.
35:06
Daniel Moore: God, if there's anything in me, forgive me for this, you know, take care of home base first.
35:11
Daniel Moore: Um, but then pray for those other people that are involved, that God would change their hearts.
35:16
Daniel Moore: In the process of all of that, the whole scenario changes at that point.
35:20
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
35:21
Daniel Moore: And so that's where these boundaries come into play.
35:23
Daniel Moore: Um, you know, so good.
35:25
Daniel Moore: Um there's a lot of good uh myths that were busted here today on these boundaries, and hopefully um, one of them resonated with someone out there that's listening if you're having some issues with boundaries.
35:36
Daniel Moore: Um, so we're gonna go ahead and close up this week's episode with that.
35:41
Daniel Moore: On next week's episode, we'll come back and we're going to start going uh through different areas of boundaries um sexually and uh spiritually, just different places in our life where we set boundaries on why we do that and how we do that.
35:55
Daniel Moore: So we'll talk about that on the next episode that we come back with our marriage episodes here.
36:02
Daniel Moore: Um, so in the meantime, though, don't forget that you know boundaries in marriage, they're not about control, avoidance, or isolation.
36:08
Daniel Moore: They're about creating a relationship where both people are free to love, respect, and grow together without fear, confusion, or resentment.
36:17
Daniel Moore: Boundaries are not a sign of division, they're a pathway to deeper unity.
36:22
Daniel Moore: In Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23, it sums it all up.
36:26
Daniel Moore: It says, Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
36:31
Daniel Moore: How do you guard your heart?
36:32
Daniel Moore: You set up boundaries.
36:34
Daniel Moore: It's all biblical and how all of this works.
36:38
Daniel Moore: Well, is that all you have for this week to add to this?
36:40
Daniel Moore: Okay, well, we're gonna go ahead then and call this one good.
36:44
Daniel Moore: Uh, please subscribe to be sure that you don't miss the next episode that comes along.
36:48
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore and my wife Michelle's been sitting over here with me this week.
36:52
Michelle Moore: Bye, guys.
36:53
Daniel Moore: And we're gonna be back again later on.
36:55
Daniel Moore: Thank you for listening.
36:56
Daniel Moore: The show really would be possible without you.
36:58
Daniel Moore: If you're a fan of the show, leave a review on Apple Podcasts, or if you'd like to help us out, just take a few seconds to give us a five-star click, and please subscribe to us on your favorite platform.
37:07
Daniel Moore: The links are in the show notes.
37:09
Daniel Moore: Well, that's all for this week.
37:11
Daniel Moore: We pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
37:16
Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.
37:21
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