Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1118 - Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... Like Nutella

Transcript

#1118 - Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... Like Nutella · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: once answers now.
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  Speaker 3: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 1: My name is doctor Justin course, I'm here with my
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  Speaker 1: wife and mum do our six kids.
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  Speaker 3: Kylie, missus Happy Families.
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  Speaker 1: Friday of every week, it's older Better Tomorrow, where we
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  Speaker 1: reflect on the week that was. We highlight what we
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  Speaker 1: did right or what we did wrong, and try to
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  Speaker 1: figure out how we can do things better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 3: Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to go first today, and this is one
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  Speaker 1: of those ones where I kind of put myself in it.
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  Speaker 3: I had an incident. It's been a bit of a
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  Speaker 3: rough week. You've got crook.
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  Speaker 1: On Tuesday, I ended up unwell, very very rarely this
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  Speaker 1: has happened in our home, but I was incapacitated for
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  Speaker 1: Wednesday and Thursday. I'm still struggling right now as we
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  Speaker 1: record this podcast, and you're looking at me like you
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  Speaker 1: would rather still be in bed.
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  Speaker 3: Been a rough week. But during the week, one of
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  Speaker 3: the was having.
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  Speaker 1: A particularly difficult time, and I decided that I needed
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  Speaker 1: to find out what was going on. So I walked
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  Speaker 1: into the room and I said, I've got a question
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  Speaker 1: for you, and I just started at her. I started
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  Speaker 1: asking the questions million miles an hour, kind of like
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  Speaker 1: a machine gun, like just just one thing after another
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  Speaker 1: after another after another, and I was getting what I
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  Speaker 1: thought were really, really great answers. You heard the conversation
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  Speaker 1: and walked in and said, now's not the time I
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  Speaker 1: need to finish talking to you. I've already had this conversation.
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  Speaker 1: And so I stopped after a minute or two, walked
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  Speaker 1: out and said, okay, fine, tell me what it is
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  Speaker 1: that you already know, because I've just had the conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Now I know everything.
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  Speaker 1: And we sat down and you started to talk to me,
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  Speaker 1: and it turns out that I got some superficial answers
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  Speaker 1: that were sufficient to satisfy me, only to discover that
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  Speaker 1: your previous conversation had been far deeper and that you
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  Speaker 1: knew a whole lot more about what was going on
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  Speaker 1: than I did. That's my old who better tomorrow? That's
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  Speaker 1: the whole thing.
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  Speaker 2: One of the one of the benefits to being in
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  Speaker 2: a relationship is that you have a partner in crime, right,
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  Speaker 2: and if you use them, you might find out a lot.
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  Speaker 1: So here I am thinking I'm doing but let me
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  Speaker 1: go back a step quite often as parents generally, but
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to get a little bit gender specific here.
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  Speaker 1: As dads specifically, we kind of just think, all right, well,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to have the straight up conversation. I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to get the answers that I need and we can
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  Speaker 1: get on with it. Like get in, get it done,
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  Speaker 1: get out. That's how we do shopping, that's how we
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  Speaker 1: do cooking, it's how we do life. Just get in,
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  Speaker 1: get it done, and get on with the next thing.
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  Speaker 1: And clearly your conversation with our daughter was quite different
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  Speaker 1: to my conversation with our daughter.
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  Speaker 3: And as a result, you.
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  Speaker 2: Know that quote by Shrek who said.
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  Speaker 3: Augirls are like onions. They steam yes, no, or they
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  Speaker 3: make you cry no.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, you leave them out the sun, nigger brown starts
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  Speaker 2: sprouting little white hairs.
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  Speaker 3: No layers. Onions have layers. Ugers have layers. Onions have layers.
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  Speaker 3: You get it. We both have layers.
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  Speaker 2: Girls in particular are layers.
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  Speaker 3: Guys are not that complex.
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  Speaker 2: And you go in and you might get a top
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  Speaker 2: layer if you like it.
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  Speaker 1: If someone says to me, justin, what's wrong, what's the deal,
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  Speaker 1: Just tell me what's going on, I'll just tell them
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  Speaker 1: or I won't, depending on whether or not there's trust
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  Speaker 1: in the relationship, I'll just say, oh, here's the thing,
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  Speaker 1: or actually, I just don't want to talk about it.
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  Speaker 3: It's going to be one of those two things.
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  Speaker 1: And I know that. I mean, we've got six daughters.
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  Speaker 1: I should have figured this out and you, of course,
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  Speaker 1: but my old do better tomorrow is sometimes the direct,
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  Speaker 1: straight up, hardcore, down the line, fared income, no pulled
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  Speaker 1: punches approach is not effective.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know if you yah for you? Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: for you. I'm glad you worked it out.
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  Speaker 1: Probably won't change anything, but I guess the challenge here
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  Speaker 1: is I was certain when I walked out of the
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  Speaker 1: room I sat down with you, I said, there's nothing
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  Speaker 1: going on, it's just this, and that's when you rolled
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  Speaker 1: your eyes and said, well, actually no.
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  Speaker 3: So that's my older bed it tomorrow, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: The softly, softly approached can sometimes be better than the hardcore, just.
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  Speaker 3: Get it done approach. You know, not even about leg onions.
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  Speaker 2: Master is kind of not my story, but it kind
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  Speaker 2: of is because I got a little bit involved. But
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  Speaker 2: our eldest daughter, Chanel has gone back to work, and
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  Speaker 2: that meant that we're now babysitting out where either babysitting
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  Speaker 2: or her dad is babysitting.
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  Speaker 1: No, no, her dad is being a parent. Her dad
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  Speaker 1: is being a dad. Let's okay, yeah, let's just get
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  Speaker 1: that right.
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  Speaker 2: And so her first shift was in the afternoon. Jared
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  Speaker 2: was able to babysit, he was.
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  Speaker 1: Able to care for his own daughter. So I feel
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  Speaker 1: like I really need to clarify that when I'm looking
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  Speaker 1: after the kids, you can that I'm babysitting them.
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  Speaker 2: You did used to consider that you were babysitting.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I've grown, I've gotten better. But let me ask you,
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  Speaker 1: do you feel like I'm babysitting when I'm looking after
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  Speaker 1: the children, Like, for example, this afternoon, you're going away
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  Speaker 1: on a camp for a couple of nights, and I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to have at least one, two, potentially three of
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  Speaker 1: our children at home. Am I babysitting the kids this weekend?
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  Speaker 3: Or am I you're dadding? Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: That's right, So I'm being the dad. So Jared, I
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  Speaker 1: just really need to drill this point home. Jared is
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  Speaker 1: doing what his job is.
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  Speaker 2: Jared's daddy.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, Jared's got a dad.
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  Speaker 2: So I decided to just ring and check up and
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  Speaker 2: make sure everything was going okay. And we were having
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  Speaker 2: a great conversation. And he may have acknowledged to me
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  Speaker 2: at that point that he fed Indy something that I
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  Speaker 2: know Chanelle would not be happy with.
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  Speaker 3: Let's just spill the beans. This was the nat teller
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  Speaker 3: story teller.
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  Speaker 2: He gave us some peanut butter because he knows that
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  Speaker 2: she's allowed some peanut butter.
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  Speaker 3: And he's like fourteen months old.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and he was having to tell her and he
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  Speaker 2: just looked at me and was like, if she likes peanut butter,
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  Speaker 2: she is gonna love Nadella. And so he gave her
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  Speaker 2: some to tell her. And you can imagine, you can
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  Speaker 2: imagine what a fourteen year old's eyes were doing, let
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  Speaker 2: alone what it tastes. But we're screaming.
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  Speaker 1: Fourteen month old, but fourteen fourteen years we know what
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  Speaker 1: our fourteen year old does when she sees Natela.
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  Speaker 2: But anyway, I had rung she now because I wasn't
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  Speaker 2: sure she'd actually gone to work that day and she
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  Speaker 2: didn't pick up. So she saw the miss call and
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  Speaker 2: she rang me on her way home and she said,
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  Speaker 2: she said, it was really hard, Mum. She said that's
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  Speaker 2: the first time where I haven't been able to like
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  Speaker 2: ring and just check in on her, because I've had
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  Speaker 2: her a few times over the last few weeks and
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  Speaker 2: she's just sent me a text. Is everything you're going okay?
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  Speaker 2: It's asleep, you know. So it was a really big
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  Speaker 2: deal for her not to be able to have that contact.
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  Speaker 2: And she said, I'm just nervous, Mum. I think that
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  Speaker 2: Jared may have fed with something that I know that
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  Speaker 2: he knows I wouldn't like him doing.
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  Speaker 3: So she'd picked that up from a cover well.
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  Speaker 2: She said she'd asked him when she'd rung to make
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  Speaker 2: sure everything was okay after her shift. She'd she'd asked
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  Speaker 2: him if everything was okay, and he said, yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: everything's fine, but I'll talk to you about it when
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  Speaker 2: you get home. And she's like, he knows that I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to be really cranky. And so, without me kind
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  Speaker 2: of thinking, we were just talking and I said, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: he definitely fatter something that you're not going to be
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  Speaker 2: happy with. And she's like, what, moum, what tell me?
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  Speaker 2: She's getting really worked up about the.
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  Speaker 3: Interfering in this. This is terrible. I was just I
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  Speaker 3: was just we're supposed to be good in laws. Here,
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  Speaker 3: we're supposed to be I wasn't even outing it.
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  Speaker 2: We were just having a conversation.
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  Speaker 1: I wasn't I think you're going to discover that he
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  Speaker 1: did something that you're not going to be happy about.
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  Speaker 3: That doesn't sound like an outing at all. Oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 3: that wasn't my intention.
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  Speaker 2: I was just having a conversation, and when it came out,
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  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I probably shouldn't have said that. Anyway.
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  Speaker 2: She kept we kept talking and she said, Mom, she said,
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  Speaker 2: did it? Was it ice cream? And I said, no,
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  Speaker 2: it wasn't ice cream.
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  Speaker 3: It's way And she said, is that way worse? I
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  Speaker 3: don't know. I think they're probably She said.
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  Speaker 2: Is it worse than ice cream? And I said, well,
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  Speaker 2: I don't know what your your threshold is for what's
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  Speaker 2: good and what's bad. I said, I can't be sure.
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  Speaker 1: And that's the fact that you didn't say no.
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  Speaker 2: I would consider to tell her worse than ice cream,
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  Speaker 2: I think. But as we continued the conversation, I kept
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  Speaker 2: trying to stare back to a normal conversation, and we
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  Speaker 2: just kept coming back to it. She was really really
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  Speaker 2: worked up about it, and she said, did they leave
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  Speaker 2: the house and I was like no. She said, well,
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  Speaker 2: what do I have in my house? And I said, well,
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  Speaker 2: if you don't think you've got anything bad in your house,
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  Speaker 2: and you've got nothing to worry about. And she said,
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  Speaker 2: but I don't know, and she got so worked up
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  Speaker 2: about it, and as we continued talking, I said, you
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  Speaker 2: know what I said, when you go home, you're going
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  Speaker 2: to go inside and you're going to give your husband
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  Speaker 2: a big hug and tell him how greatful you are
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  Speaker 2: that he had he's looked after your baby.
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  Speaker 3: That she's nice.
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  Speaker 2: And she's like, no, I'm not, I'm going to be
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  Speaker 2: really angry at him, and I said, and we kept
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  Speaker 2: talking and then she said, all right, I'm home. I'm
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  Speaker 2: going in to get angry at my husband. And I said, no,
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  Speaker 2: you're not. You're going to go and tell him that
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  Speaker 2: you're grateful because he was babysitting, because he was babysitting
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  Speaker 2: because he was looking after her child, their child. But
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  Speaker 2: the moral of the story is, as parents, we get
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  Speaker 2: so worked up. Her whole, her whole perception in that
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  Speaker 2: moment was this is why I don't like asking other
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  Speaker 2: people to do it, because they can't do it like me,
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  Speaker 2: And we get so riled up as parents sometimes wanting
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  Speaker 2: things to go exactly to plan the way we want
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  Speaker 2: it to go, because we think there's only one way
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  Speaker 2: to do things. Yeah, it would be great if you
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  Speaker 2: didn't give it then a teller, But it's not the
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  Speaker 2: end of the world. She's gonna survive. And there are
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  Speaker 2: so many other things. Whether it's grandparents who feed the
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  Speaker 2: kid's ice cream at ten o'clock in the morning.
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  Speaker 1: That reminds me it was my mom. It was my
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  Speaker 1: mom who was a dietitian. She's actually a dietitian who
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  Speaker 1: was feeding our child and ice cream at ten o'clock
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  Speaker 1: one morning for breakfast, literally for breakfast on ice cream.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, you can.
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  Speaker 1: I think she said something about, but it's got all
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  Speaker 1: those it's got dairy like, it's got.
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  Speaker 3: Milk in it.
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  Speaker 2: No, she said, if they won't eat, it's better that
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  Speaker 2: we get fat into them than nothing at all.
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  Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, yeah, ye're fat and sugar. That would that'll
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  Speaker 1: be fine. Okay, So take home message from me. Gee,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, your story was so so much better than mine.
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  Speaker 1: I can't even know what I talked about. Now, what
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  Speaker 1: did I talk about?
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  Speaker 2: Straight up? One eighty doesn't always work, especially with girls.
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  Speaker 3: Can'tfully you've forgot that.
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  Speaker 2: And my take home, My take home is I think
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  Speaker 2: it's because I'm doing right with the small stuff.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think it's because I'm not doing well.
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  Speaker 1: I'm still not fully recovered from the Indian that I
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  Speaker 1: had the other night.
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  Speaker 2: Excuse this, excuses. I don't think nobody needs to know that.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think I can ever look at a bottle
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  Speaker 1: of me in the same way. And you know that,
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  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Take her message gently, gently, softly, softly,
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  Speaker 1: and yeah, don't worry. Some stuff is worth worrying about
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  Speaker 1: and other stuff is not. And sometimes we get caught
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  Speaker 1: up on the wrong stuff, even if our child does
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: become a Natella addict and won't eat any.
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  Speaker 3: Other real So.
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  Speaker 2: I know the story was about Chanella and Jared, but
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  Speaker 2: it's about us, like as parents, we always have these situations,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: and I think about it looking back. I've just been
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: going over some old journals and reading back some of
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: the experiences we had, and I wonder, is the Natella
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  Speaker 2: the problem or is it the angst that we create
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: coming home, the big reactions that has more impact on
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: our kids.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, as we prepared for today's podcast episode. Because it's
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: been such a nothing week with me being sick and
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: you're being sick. You called out to one of the
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: kids and said, we need a story for I'd do
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: about it tomorrow. And one of the kids said, Dad
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: got angry on Tuesday night. That was it, Like nothing
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  Speaker 1: else has happened. It's been a terrible week. Dad got
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: angry on Tuesday night. And immediately I felt a rush
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: of pain to my heart because I was already coming
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: down with whatever was going on. I think you were
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  Speaker 1: already sick. There was a lot of stress, a lot
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  Speaker 1: of pressure. But the whole week, that's the only thing
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: that our daughter could think of. That was the only
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: thing that stood out to her, And it made me
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: just think if I'd given her a tell a sandwich,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: maybe everything that'd be better. He was certainly quite direct.
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  Speaker 1: I would have liked it if she'd been a bit
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  Speaker 1: more softly, softly, See why I did that, See the
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: way I brought that back.
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  Speaker 3: You know, Hey, we hope you have a great weekend.
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  Speaker 1: We hope that our take her messages today are useful
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: in helping you to do better tomorrow. Have a fabulous
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: couple of days across the weekend, and we will look
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: forward to joining you again on Monday morning for your
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: podcast fix. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Roland from Bridge Media. If you like more info about
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: making your family happy, you'll find everything you need at
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot au.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: All girls, I like onions,