Latest / Beautifully Complex / 366: The Glass Child: The Neurotypical Sibling’s Experience, with Penny Williams

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366: The Glass Child: The Neurotypical Sibling’s Experience, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Somewhere, whether they are looking like they need help or
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: they're having a hard time, or whether they seem like
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: they're okay, they're quiet, they're compliant, they're not asking for
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: your attention. They are still struggling, and that's the part
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: that I think makes it even more common that their
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: needs go unnoticed.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Welcome back, everyone. I am so glad to be joined
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: by all of you caring adults in the lives of
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: neurodivergent or complex kids. Today we're not actually talking about
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: those complex kids though. Today we're going to talk about
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: the neurotypical sibling experience and something called the glass child,
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: which I'll explain to you where that terminology came from
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: and what it means. But I first want to chat
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: a minute about why we are talking about the neurotypical sibling,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: and we're talking about them because they don't get enough attention,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: which is exactly why we're having to have a discussion
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: about them, right. And it's not that we make a
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: choice as parents to give one child more attention, more time,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: more of what they need than the other. It's that
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: this dynamic is created in the family and even the
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: neurotypical sibling kind of contributes to this, and we're going
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: to talk about how that happens too. Not to blame them,
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: it's not their fault at all, it's their biology. But
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: we want to really understand the neurotypical siblings experience because
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: it can be developmentally traumatic for that kid. I want
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: you to just sit with that idea for a moment.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Your neurotypical child who has a neurodivergent sibling may very
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: well be undergoing trauma from that experience and that family setup.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: So let's really get into it and unpack it. I
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: want to start with an example from my own family.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: My neurotypical child is my older child. My neurodivergent child
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: is my younger child. I just have the two and
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I can still remember even though they are now. As
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I'm recording this twenty seven and twenty three years old,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I can still remember when my neurodiversion kid was probably
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: seven years old and my neurotypical kid would have been
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: around ten. We were in Target, went to Target a lot.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I used to be a Target aholic, doing better lately,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: but that's another story entirely. But we were in Target.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: It was just me and the two of them, and
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: I'm sure I had dropped in to pick a few
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: things up. They may have had some allowance and wanted
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: to shop in the toy section. I don't remember specifically
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: what kind of was going on in that trip before
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: the meltdown happened, but I remember distinctly that I was
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: cutting through I believe it was like the lamp aisle
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: in the middle of the door, and my neurodiversent kid
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: was having a meltdown. We were probably very likely coming
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: out of the toy section in the back and trying
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: to leave, and for some reason it wasn't going well,
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: and we had a meltdown, and I was trying to
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: manage that child, right I was trying to manage what
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: was going on, not to melt down in public, which
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: was going to happen anyway, and to get to the door, like,
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: let's get out of here, because this environment is no
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: longer working for us. And it was a struggle, Like
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: he was in the floor, he was not wanting to move.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I'm sure he was wanting to go back to the
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: toy section. He had a hard time making a decision
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: with his allowance, and so he would spend a lot
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: of time there and then he would second guess his
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: choice because he really couldn't make a choice. He wanted
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: all of it right. There were five things. He wanted
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: all of them, men to have money for all of them.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: And this is the kind of thing that would happen
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: at that age. And I remember glancing further down the
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: aisle to see where my neurotypical kid was and noticing
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: that they were pacing. They were definitely activated, they were
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: definitely having a hard time. And I was one person.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So here I am literally physically in between one kid
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: having a hard time on my right, one kid having
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: a hard time on my left, and having to make
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: a choice in that moment of who was going to
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: get my attention, And of course the attention went to
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: the kid in the floor, screaming at the top of
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: his lungs right, having a complete and utter meltdown because
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: he couldn't manage the situation and the environment. And so
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to help that along. I'm trying to get
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: us moving, and I'm noticing that my neurotypical kid is
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: also now in fight or flight, and I had to say,
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm trying. I'm trying to do my best
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: to rectify the situation so that we can go. So
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to do something with your brother to help
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: you also feel better. And that was really the best
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: that I could do in that moment. Do I feel
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: regretful of that? Sure? Was there anything I could do differently? No?
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Probably not right. I'm one person, I'm one human in
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: that situation with two kids who both need help, but
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: need very different help. And this is one tiny moment
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: in time of my neurotypical kids entire twenty seven years,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: while the first three she was an only child, So
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: her last twenty four years on this planet as a human,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: this is the kind of thing that she experienced day
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: in and day out. It was disregulating to her nervous system,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: it was being encoded in her brain as trauma somewhere,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: whether they are looking like they need help or they're
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: having a hard time like in this particular instance, or
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: whether they seem like they're okay, they're quiet, they're compliant,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: they're not asking for your attention. They are still struggling.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: And that's the part that I think makes it even
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: more common that they go unnoticed, that their needs go unnoticed,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: not those basic needs. Right, you're feeding your kid, you
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: love them, you're nurturing them, you know all of these things.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: It's not that it's that they are learning to hide
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: it from you. They are learning to take up less
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: space because there is less space for them. Very often
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: we need to be detectives when our neurotypical kids seem
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: super okay in these situations, because they probably are not. Right.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Glass kids aren't transparent because nothing is happening to them.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: They're transparent because they have learned that what's happening inside
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  Speaker 1: of them doesn't get attention, so they stop showing it.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: Their emotions don't get the response that they need, so
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: they stop showing them. They start holding them in, shoving
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: them down, right, stuffing them down, and not dealing with
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: them their children, and they need help with that, and
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: they're not always getting it. The term glass children was
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: generally credited to Alicia Menesi's Maples, who introduced it in
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: a TED talk in San Antonio in twenty ten. The
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: talk is called Recognizing Glass Children. She grew up with
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: a brother with autism and another with a terminal illness,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: and she explains that name that she attached to her
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: experience in this way. She says, parents are so consumed
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: with the needs of the child with disabilities, that neurodivergent kid,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: that when they look at the other siblings, they look
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: right through us as though we were made of glass.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Not because glass children are fragile, it's because they become invisible.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: They're sort of see through in the family system. They're
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: not invisible because they're in love, as I said, they're
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: invisible because your household's emotional bandwidth is already taken up.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: It's already spoken for, and our neurotypical kids can figure
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: that out really early, often before they have any language
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: or any skills to actually share that and express it
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: to you. And the glass child's nervous system is adapting
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: as well. They learn to self regulate alone, they learn
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: that their dysregulation isn't going to get support, and it's
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: often through suppressing those emotions that dysregulation those signals that
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: their body is giving them of their needs, rather than
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: processing that, processing the feelings, processing the nerve nervous system signals.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: And this is not resilience in a healthy sense. They
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: may look resilient on the outside, but they are not
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: actually resilient. It's actually a survival adaptation. And it can
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: look like they are low maintenance, like they might even
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: be high achieving kids, and then at some point that
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: ends that is not sustainable for them, and so that
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: survival mode starts to become more and more apparent because
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: their nervous system is screaming louder and louder for the
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: help that they need. I have been encouraged for years
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: and years now by my neurotypical kid to talk more
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  Speaker 1: and more and more about neurotypical siblings because there was
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: a lot of trauma there. There's a lot of nervous
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: system repair, a lot of therapy is going into and
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: has been for years, trying to help that child's nervous
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  Speaker 1: system now feel safe because it was coded that it
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: wasn't safe. It was coded, it was imprinted that their feelings,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: their needs did not matter. Again, I want to make
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: it so very clear to you, I am in no
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: way saying that is your intention, and I am no
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: way laying blame or shame. I have had to do
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: some of my own work on what has happened to
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: my neurotypical kid, what my role in that was, and
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: processing really that I couldn't do any better. I was
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: already doing my best right and I hope that you'll
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: be able to do that work for yourself too. There
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: was a podcast episode on Esther Perel's podcast called where
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: Should We Begin? She's a therapist. It was sent to
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: me by a very good friend who said, this reminds
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: me of your neurotypical kid, and I started listening to it.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: It's called to make Room for My Brother I Learned
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: to Disappear. That's the episode name. The podcast is called
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: where should we Begin? With Esther Perel? And I started
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: listening to it. This particular person they call in or
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: write in with questions, and so this question was chosen
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: to record a conversation and an episode on and this
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: young woman has a brother who is probably level three autistic,
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: not very verbal, you know, having a lot of even
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: maybe bigger needs in some ways than our experience with
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: autism was. And at first I thought, Wow, this really
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: doesn't apply. But then the therapist who hosts the podcast
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: started really digging into what was behind what she was
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: talking about, and so many things landed, So many things
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: landed for me that it brought me to tears because
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: I finally felt like I truly, I'm getting goosebumps right
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: now talking about it. I truly understood what my daughter's
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: experience has been and I needed that and she needed
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: me to have it. And we've been having so many
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: conversations about this, conversations about work with her therapist, Like
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: I've really been trying to understand this for a long time.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: What something that was said in this episode just really
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: unlocked it for me. And one quote that really stuck
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: out to me that I actually shared with my neurotypical
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: kid as well, was the weather changed, but you haven't
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: taken off the sweater. And what she was talking about is,
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: you know, this young woman, throughout her life as the
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: sibling of an autistic brother, was making herself smaller, she
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: was shrinking herself. She was talking about how she was
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: trying to take up less space so that there would
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: be room for her brother's needs. She talked about feeling
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: guilt every time that she did something or had a
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: success that he would not be able to have, like
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: getting married was the catalyst for this conversation for her
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: to ask and seek for this help and realizing that
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: she wants to be truly very happy and really enjoy
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: the day, but she's thinking about mitigating her brother's behaviors
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: during the ceremony and the party, and she's thinking about
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: how she shouldn't be happy because he doesn't get to
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: have this experience in his life, and that alone is
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: just so powerful, that image of disappearing as a strategy
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: of making yourself smaller as a strategy. I remember a
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: few years ago my daughter came in from a therapy
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: appointment and said, you know, we've been working on the
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: fact that I'm allowed to take up space, and it
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: just floored me, like, of course, you're allowed to take
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: up space. But through her childhood it didn't feel like that,
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: and that was what her body started learning and that
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: was the mode of operation that it started using. So
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: that quote about how the weather has changed, but you
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: haven't taken off the sweater, this young woman who is
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: talking to this therapist in this podcast episode, like she
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: doesn't live in the home anymore, she is having her
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: own experiences, and yet she is still using her brother
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: as the compass to create everything, the barometer for everything.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: And esther said to her, the weather has changed, things
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: are different, but you haven't taken off the sweater yet.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: I am just having so many chills in this conversation.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: It's so powerful. And of course my kids are older,
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: and this woman is in her twenties as well, and
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: so we're talking about the fact that the needs are different.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Like in my home, we don't have meldowns anymore, we
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: haven't for a really long time. We don't have intense
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: explosive blowups. We don't have I have a lot of
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: that stuff, and we haven't for years. And yet the
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: neurotypical siblings nervous system still expects, it still plans for it,
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: still tries to create an out, still tries to control
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: situations so that it can't be a situation where that
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: used to happen. For instance, it is still very hard
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: for our neurotypical sibling to go to a restaurant as
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: a family, even though we have not had a restaurant
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: meltdown in a decade or more. Still, the nervous system says, no,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: this isn't safe. We can't handle this right, And we're
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: working on pushing through and helping the nervous system realize
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: that it is actually safe. Now the weather has changed,
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: you can take off the sweater, right. I want you
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: guys to really sit with us. I really hope that
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: you will pop over and listen to this podcast episode
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: you're I will link it up in the show notes,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: so that's easy for you to find. But I'm telling
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: you you will have a profound insight experience from listening
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: to it if you have more than one kid. And
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: I hope that, like even educators will listen because you're
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: multiple kids in your care right, and yet some of
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: them need more attention than others. But those others still
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: need attention, right, And how do you find that balance?
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: How do you help everyone feels safe in those environments?
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: Thinking about this as kind of self protective shrinking, right,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: And it doesn't undo itself just because the weather changed,
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: just because we don't have the same intensity of storms
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: that we're having to learn to navigate. It doesn't automatically
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: change what has been biologically encoded and printed on that
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: brain and that nervous system. But our brains are wonderfully plastic, right,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: There's this concept of neuroplasticity and biology. So what has
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: imprinted during development and changed the brain can still be changed.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: So it's not forever. And that's a really important, powerful
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: aspect of this that I want you to also think about. Yes,
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: your kid has had a hard time, and it isn't fair,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: and it wasn't deserved, and they are having long term
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: impacts from it, but all of that can be changed.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: We can rectify that to a certain degree. I want
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: to give you some ideas of what this class child
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: thing might look like in your day to day life.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: It might be a sibling who never asks for anything
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: and gets praised for I'm going to use air quotes
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: for those who are only listening being easy. They get
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: praised for being easy when easy is actually just a
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: coping strategy. It is a maladaptive biological coping strategy is
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: not what we want. Right. The sibling might become a
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: junior caregiver. I referred to my own kid as a
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: mother hen. She would go into that mother hen mode
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: and she would try to take care. She would try
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: to prevent anything from being uncomfortable and difficult. They might
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: try to manage the other child's moods before an adult
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: a parent even clocks that something is starting to escalate
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: or ramp up, right, they're trying to control it before
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: the storm gets going. It might be a sibling who
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: achieves really quietly, and they might downplay their own wins
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: because celebrating themselves feels like it's taking up space that
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: isn't theirs, and I know we think it should be theirs, right,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: we should have equal space for our children. But as
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: we've talked about here before, fair is not equal. Fair
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: is everyone getting what they need, and sometimes there isn't
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: enough of one parent to do that. There are ways
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: that you can help with that, and we're going to
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: talk about that as well. It could also be a
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: sibling who seems fine in every conversation that you have
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: about this with them. You may talk about this and
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: they may say, oh, it's fine. It's fine, because fine
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: is the answer that ends that conversation the quickest. Fine
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: is the answer that doesn't add to your plate. Fine
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: is the answer that doesn't make you feel guilty. Fine
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: is the answer that doesn't prolong the discomfort, because who
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: wants to think about the fact that their sibling needs
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: more from their parents than they do. Right, it's difficult,
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: it's hard, it's traumatic. Let's now talk about what we
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: can do about this, because this is the hopeful piece.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: This is the part where you can create some change
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: for that neurotypical sibling Number one. Name it, but don't
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: make it a project. Okay, I notice that you go
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: quiet when your brother is struggling. I want you to
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: know that I see it, and it's not your job
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: to manage it. So we're noticing, but we're not trying
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: to have a forty five minute conversation about all the
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: strategies and all the things right, So we want them
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: to know that we see it, and we want them
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: to know that it's not their job to manage it.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: We're providing regulation through that acknowledgment, so we're not fixing it,
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: but we are helping their nervous system to feel safer.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Create scheduled, uninterrupted, undiluted attention for that neurotypical sibling. Something
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: that we did. Her Dad would do this with her,
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: I would do this with her. We would at least
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: once a month, have an outing with her, whatever she chose,
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: all about her. The other parent that had the neurodiversent
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: kid could not call or text or interrupt unless there
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: was someone bleeding and on the way to the hospital,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: because so much of her life was interrupted by those
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: needs and she needed time where there could not be
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: a disruption. She needed to know that there were times
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: where she could count on that. And your neurotypical sibling
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: and your family needs that as well. This has to
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: be not earned time. This is scheduled no matter what
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: that kid's behavior was the neud TOI kid, no matter
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: what grades they got that week, no matter what happened
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: at all, they still got this time with you that
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: was not contingent on the neurodivergent kid being okay. First
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: five minutes of connection a day is also very powerful.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: It will do more than those one single, big, once
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: a month gestures. I feel like both are important, but
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: absolutely they need the daily focused attention. Time in special
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: time with them is crucial, but it can be short.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: I want you to watch for overfunctioning and kind of
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: really gently and softly interrupt that. So if your neuro's
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: typical child is stepping into that caregiving role. They're acting
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: like a mother. Hen It's really a signal to you
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: that their nervous system has decided that someone has to
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: hold it the challenge, and it shouldn't be them. They
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: don't want it to happen because they don't want to
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: go through it, but it should not be them. They
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: do not have any any responsibility for their neurodivergent sibling.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: That is the adult job. That is always the adult job.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: We need to make it very clear to those neurotypical
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: kids that it is not their job to hold the
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: challenge to control or try to mitigate the behavior of
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: their neurodivergent sibling. It really all comes back to connection
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: and helping your neurotypical sibling feel seen, heard, and understood.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: I want you to really lean into noticing, validating their experience,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: letting them know that you know it's hard, you know
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: that it doesn't feel fair, and giving them that connection
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: and that uninterrupted time to really feel safe. You're not
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: failing your other child by having a child with high needs.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: You're not failing that neurotypical sibling for having a neurodivergent kid,
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: But that sibling relationship needs the same intentional regulation and
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: connection that you're already learning to offer that neurodivergent child, right,
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: we need to lean into those strategies that we're using
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: with our neurodivergent kids with our neurotypical kids as well,
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: so eventually that sweater can come off through trauma and
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: nervous system work, through connection, through helping them to feel
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: like they're seen, heard, and understood. All of that helps
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: their nervous system to finally believe that the weather has changed.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: So if you're at that point where your kids are
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: teens or young adults where things aren't as difficult on
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: a daily basis, help them recognize that they can take
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: the sweater off. I want to invite you to share
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: this episode, to share the esther Perel episode with anyone
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: and everyone you think could benefit from this insight. It
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: is so very powerful, and the more people who understand
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: this experience our neurotypical kids are having that our glass
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: children are having, the more support they actually get that's
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: what they need. They might feel like the easy kid,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: but I can tell you being on the other end
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: of it, where my kid is now an adult, being
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: the easy kid has a lot of future consequences. We
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: don't want that for our kids. We want them to
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: get what they need from us, So subscribe, share the episode.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: If you'd like to watch instead of listen, you can
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: do that on YouTube as well, and I will see
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: everyone next time. Take good care.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: you don't have to do it alone. If you found
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: and leave a quick review so others can find this
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: more info at regulated kids dot com m