Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are Introverted
Transcript
- Lucas: So we get a lot of questions from listeners who say, 'I know I need a mentor, but the whole thing feels like it's built for extroverts.' And honestly, that's a fair read. So today, let's talk about how introverts can find mentors without pretending to be someone they're not. Luna: I love that. Because I've been there. The whole 'work the room' advice makes me want to hide in the bathroom. But mentorship isn't necessarily about working the room. Lucas: Right. And there's a stat that stuck with me from a 2023 study by the Association for Talent Development: 74 percent of introverts say networking events drain them, but 89 percent still say they benefit from having a mentor. So the desire is there, the structure just doesn't fit. Luna: That gap is exactly what we need to bridge. And look, if this conversation helps you think through your own career moves, you can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a small way to keep us ad-free. Lucas: Yeah, we appreciate that more than we can say. Now, back to the introvert dilemma. The first thing I'd say is: you don't have to network the way extroverts do. There's this idea that you have to go to every happy hour and shake every hand. But for an introvert, that's a recipe for burnout. Luna: So what's the alternative? I mean, you still have to meet people somehow. Lucas: Exactly. And the alternative is deliberate, one-on-one outreach. It's the difference between broadcasting and having a focused conversation. For introverts, the quality of the interaction matters way more than the quantity. So instead of trying to meet fifty people at a conference, aim to have three meaningful conversations over two months. Luna: That's a relief to hear. And it's a more effective use of time, honestly. Lucas: It is. And I say that as someone who is naturally introverted myself. When I was starting out in journalism, I built my entire network through email. I'd write thoughtful, specific questions to senior editors and columnists, and a surprising number of them wrote back. The written word is a playground for introverts. Luna: That's a great point. And it's not just emails. I've seen mentees use shared documents to guide their mentor conversations. They'll draft a list of questions or topics before the meeting and share it, so the mentor knows exactly where to focus. It takes the pressure off the small talk. Lucas: That's a brilliant tactic, Luna. And it's a form of preparation that introverts are naturally good at. We're thinkers. We like to plan. So bring that into the mentoring relationship. Luna: So what's your advice for the initial ask? Because for an introvert, even reaching out can feel like a huge hurdle. Lucas: The initial ask can be structured to make it easy for both sides. I like to call it the one-two-three rule: one specific reason you're reaching out, two sentences about what you admire about their work, and three questions you'd love their take on. Keep it under 150 words. That's it. Luna: That's so concrete. And it respects their time, which introverts appreciate as much as anyone. Lucas: Exactly. And the same principle applies to the first meeting. Offer to meet for coffee, but also give them an out. Say something like, 'I know how busy you are, so if a quick call is easier, that works too.' Introverts often prefer the phone call because it's less visually overwhelming. But the key is to let them choose the format. Luna: And once you've had that first conversation, how do you keep it going? Because for an introvert, the follow-up can be just as intimidating. Lucas: That's where the magic of asynchronous communication comes in. Instead of scheduling a monthly meeting, you can agree to exchange brief emails every couple of weeks. You send a quick update on what you've been working on, ask a question, and they respond when they have a moment. It's low pressure and it works. Luna: I love that. And it's actually how I've maintained my strongest mentoring relationships. A quick 'here's what I'm wrestling with' email, and they reply with a thoughtful paragraph. It's not about the length, it's about the consistency. Lucas: And that consistency builds trust, which is the foundation of any mentoring relationship. But there's another element that introverts often overlook: the power of listening. In a mentoring relationship, the mentee doesn't have to dominate the conversation. In fact, the best mentees are often the ones who ask great questions and then actually listen to the answers. Luna: That's true. And introverts are natural listeners. So that's a huge advantage. Lucas: It is. And I'd go a step further. You can leverage that listening by taking notes during your conversations and then sending a follow-up email that summarizes what you took away and what you're going to do differently. That's a powerful way to show you're serious, and it doesn't require any extroverted flair. Luna: That's a great habit. And it gives the mentor confidence that their time wasn't wasted. Lucas: Exactly. Now, there's a question about whether introverts should aim for a formal mentor or just build a network of informal advisors. I'd argue for the latter, at least initially. Because formal mentoring programs are often structured around events and check-ins that can feel a bit much for an introvert. But if you cultivate a few different relationships at different levels, you're essentially building your own personal board of directors. Luna: That's a nice way to frame it. And it takes the pressure off any single relationship. Lucas: Right. You're not looking for one guru. You're looking for a few people who can give you perspective from different angles. One might be a senior leader who can give you strategic advice. Another might be a peer who's a few years ahead of you and can give you tactical tips. And maybe a third is someone from a completely different industry who can challenge your assumptions. Luna: That's a great mix. And for an introvert, each of those relationships can be nurtured with just a few focused exchanges a month. Lucas: Exactly. And there's a specific technique I want to share that I call the coffee shop test. Before you ask someone to be your mentor, ask yourself: would I be comfortable sitting across a table from this person for thirty minutes? If the answer is yes, then go for it. If not, maybe start with email or a call. The point is to match the relationship to your comfort level. Luna: That's such a practical filter. And it's honest about the fact that some relationships just won't be a fit, and that's okay. Lucas: Absolutely. And that's something introverts often struggle with — they feel like they have to say yes to every opportunity. But you don't. You get to choose who you invest your energy in. Luna: So let's say you've found someone and you've had a few good exchanges. How do you know if it's actually working? What does a successful mentoring relationship look like for an introvert? Lucas: I'd say you know it's working when you feel a slight increase in your confidence and a clearer sense of direction. It's not about having a mentor who hands you everything on a plate. It's about having someone who asks the right questions and helps you think more clearly. If you find yourself looking forward to the check-ins, that's a good sign. Luna: And if it's not working? If the chemistry isn't there? Lucas: Then you can gracefully step back. You don't have to make a dramatic exit. Just let the frequency of contact fade. Or you can have an honest conversation and say, 'I really appreciate your time, but I think I need someone with more experience in X area.' Most people understand. Luna: That's a good reminder. Mentoring is a relationship, and like any relationship, it can end amicably. Lucas: And that's okay. You're not failing. You're just recalibrating. And the experience you gained from that relationship is still valuable. Luna: So, for our listeners today, especially the introverts out there, what's the one thing you'd want them to do after this episode? Lucas: I'd say this: pick one person you admire, write a five-line request using the one-two-three rule, and send it this week. Just do it. The worst they can say is no, and even that gives you information. Luna: That's a great challenge. And for those who need a little extra courage, remember that introverts are often the best mentors themselves. So you might already have more to offer than you think. Lucas: That's a perfect note to end on. You don't have to become a different person to find a mentor. You just have to be intentional about the way you connect. And with that, thanks for listening. We'll talk next time.