Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #33: How to get your children to really listen

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#33: How to get your children to really listen · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, sometimes you can feel like what is it? You
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  Speaker 2: talk and you talk and you talk, and there's a
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  Speaker 2: blank look on their face, or they're going in the
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  Speaker 2: completely the opposite direction, like you've said nothing.
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  Speaker 1: Apparently, getting kids to really listen, there's a trick to it,
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  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Coulson, you have some answers on this. How
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  Speaker 1: do we get our kids to really listen?
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  Speaker 3: This is the number one question I kept from parents.
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  Speaker 3: Is it really all the time? And because parents are
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  Speaker 3: just kind of going I talk time blue in the face,
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  Speaker 3: I say it again and again and again, and they
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  Speaker 3: don't listen. And then I find myself shouting. And I
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  Speaker 3: don't like shouting. No one wants to shout because it
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  Speaker 3: makes you know, shouting, how all the neighbors can hear
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  Speaker 3: your dysfunction in That's.
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  Speaker 4: The main reason why we don't like shouting, because our
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  Speaker 4: neighbors know how frail we are.
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  Speaker 1: It's right not to say you're dysfunctional if you yell,
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  Speaker 1: but move on.
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  Speaker 3: So basically, this is my This is my number one
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  Speaker 3: go to when it comes to the kids not listening,
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  Speaker 3: speak softer, because you know, when when somebody starts talking
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  Speaker 3: really loud at you, when they start yelling, what's your
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  Speaker 3: initial impulse.
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  Speaker 1: Running the opposite direction?
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  Speaker 4: Swing?
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  Speaker 3: We just want to get away from it. It's like
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  Speaker 3: you're in my space, you're intruding, you're upsetting me. And
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  Speaker 3: our kids are exactly the same. They're just like, who
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  Speaker 3: is this big, horrible person that's making all of this noise?
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  Speaker 3: And so when we get louder, I promise you your
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  Speaker 3: children are not deaf. And if you're not sure, unless
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  Speaker 3: they actually have a genuine physical ailment that leads them
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  Speaker 3: not being able to hear. If you're not sure, just
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  Speaker 3: stand at the doorway to whatever room they're in and say,
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  Speaker 3: in a nice quiet voice, who wants ice cream?
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  Speaker 1: I used to say chocolate cake.
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  Speaker 3: We have done that and their ears prick up and
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  Speaker 3: their eyebrows raised and their eyes go wide, and they're
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  Speaker 3: like me and you're like, great, so you're not deaf.
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  Speaker 3: Let's go and clean the room. What we want to
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  Speaker 3: do is we speak softer, and you'll find that the
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  Speaker 3: softer somebody speaks, the more closely everybody listens, because that's
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  Speaker 3: what we do. We want to hear what we're missing
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  Speaker 3: out on. So that's number one. Number two, I think
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  Speaker 3: that we've got to consider our timing. Let's face it,
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  Speaker 3: we can be pretty rude when it comes to wanting
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  Speaker 3: things done. We just say, kids, do it, do it now,
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  Speaker 3: and it doesn't matter what they're doing. And what they're
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  Speaker 3: doing might not be important to us, but often it's
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  Speaker 3: deeply important to them, even if they're just playing. Play
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  Speaker 3: is the most important thing they can be doing. And
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  Speaker 3: so if we ask them to do something and they're
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  Speaker 3: right in the middle of something that matters to them,
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  Speaker 3: I think it's worth saying, you know, I consider that
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  Speaker 3: this is important to you. Why don't you finish the page?
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  Speaker 3: Why don't you wait until you know the show's over?
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  Speaker 3: Wait till you finish that level. If you can't pause
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  Speaker 3: the game, but within the next ten minutes, I really
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  Speaker 3: want it done. You're speaking really softly, really silly. You're
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  Speaker 3: just respecting it. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes it's got to
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  Speaker 3: be done now, but not usually. And I've got another
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  Speaker 3: tip that I think is just an absolute cracker. That's
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  Speaker 3: called the gentle reminder.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast with Luke and Susie doctor
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  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson talking about how to get our children to
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  Speaker 1: really listen that brand new technique up next.
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  Speaker 5: Family life is pretty tough going sometimes most days are
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  Speaker 5: a struggle between strong willed children and frazzled parents. And
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  Speaker 5: while no parent wakes up in the morning saying today's
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  Speaker 5: the day I'm going to ruin everyone's lives, it sometimes
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  Speaker 5: feels like that by the end of the day. Twenty
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  Speaker 5: one Days to a Happier Family is the number one
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  Speaker 5: parenting book by doctor Justin Coulson for parents who want
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  Speaker 5: their kids to be better, themselves, to be calmer, and
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  Speaker 5: their family to be happier Now. The book is also
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  Speaker 5: available as an online video course. In the program, you'll
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  Speaker 5: find specific strategies to help you be at your best,
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  Speaker 5: evidence based ideas to strengthen your relationship with your children,
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  Speaker 5: research proven practices to with understanding between you and your child,
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  Speaker 5: discipline strategies that work because they're about discipline and not punishment,
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  Speaker 5: and more tips to make your family happier. And as
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  Speaker 5: a special offer only for podcast business, use the Code
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  Speaker 5: podcast at check out for a massive fifty dollars saving
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  Speaker 5: twenty one Days to a Happier Family, the online video
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  Speaker 5: course by doctor Justin Coulson. Get it now from Happy
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  Speaker 5: Families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast with Luke and Susie doctor
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  Speaker 1: Justin Coulson, and we're talking about how to get our
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  Speaker 1: children to really listen. And Justin you were just saying
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  Speaker 1: you have a cracker of a technique for us called
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  Speaker 1: the gentle reminder.
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  Speaker 3: And this is what I do when my kids are
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  Speaker 3: not listening. I walk over to them and in a
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  Speaker 3: very soft voice, I call them by name. So I
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  Speaker 3: might say Luke, I might say Susie.
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  Speaker 2: Don't pick on me.
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  Speaker 3: That's not my children's name. So my children will look
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  Speaker 3: at me very strangely if I do that, But I'll
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  Speaker 3: actually grab their hand gently and I'll hold one hand
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  Speaker 3: in my two, so I'm sort of cradling their hand
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  Speaker 3: in my hands, and I'll say Ella or Abby or
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  Speaker 3: whoever it is, and I'll look them in the eyes,
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  Speaker 3: and then I'll just use one or two words for
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  Speaker 3: what I'm after. I'll say the table or your bag,
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  Speaker 3: or the towels or your shoes. You can see I've
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  Speaker 3: done this more than my right and what it does
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  Speaker 3: is it gives the kids credit for having a brain.
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  Speaker 3: They've got to think, Hang on, what is it about
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  Speaker 3: the table or what it is about the towel? Oh,
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  Speaker 3: that's right, we don't leave towels on the floor. I
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  Speaker 3: must have left a towel on the floor. And I'm
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  Speaker 3: not actually, I'm not getting cranky about it. I'm just
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  Speaker 3: expecting them to do it. I've touched them, I've looked
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  Speaker 3: in their eyes, I've spoken softly. I know I've got
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  Speaker 3: their attention, and they've heard me. They're listening. And then
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  Speaker 3: I just wait. Literally, I just stand there holding their
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  Speaker 3: little hand, smiling at them like a absolute goober, and
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  Speaker 3: they just stare at me until they go, oh sorry, dad,
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  Speaker 3: and off they go.
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  Speaker 4: Look at that. You know what of all of those,
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  Speaker 4: the one I get wrong most, what's that is the
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  Speaker 4: number two? And I realized this the other day actually
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  Speaker 4: using a doctor Justin calson tip of the song for
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  Speaker 4: brushing your teeth. We play a song and it was
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  Speaker 4: it was at the time where it was time to
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  Speaker 4: brush the teeth, and they were all in different rooms,
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  Speaker 4: so I thought, great, loud speaker, put the song on.
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  Speaker 4: Everyone's going to come hurting, and two of them didn't
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  Speaker 4: and I sent their brother to go just make sure
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  Speaker 4: that they can hear the song, and they did and
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  Speaker 4: they decided not to come. The only time ever they
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  Speaker 4: didn't come, and they were in the middle of coloring
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  Speaker 4: in a picture. And what in hindsight now I was
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  Speaker 4: upset with them, and they got into trouble because they
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  Speaker 4: knew that that song was on they needed to respond,
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  Speaker 4: and their brother reminded them and they didn't respond. But
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  Speaker 4: in hindsight I looked at it and went, I was
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  Speaker 4: actually kind of rude that I didn't check whether they
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  Speaker 4: were in a position. I was just demanding with no
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  Speaker 4: real I could have waited three minutes, but I didn't,
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  Speaker 4: and it was just as you say that they're ah,
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  Speaker 4: it's all.
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  Speaker 3: About it, and as parents we forget that other people,
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  Speaker 3: even little people, have actually got their own agenda and
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  Speaker 3: their own preferences as well. And I'm not suggesting by
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  Speaker 3: any stretch that the kids should have rule of the
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  Speaker 3: rus or that they're supposed to you know, everything's got
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  Speaker 3: to be on their timetable, but it's just considerate to
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  Speaker 3: look at what they're doing and think, can I give
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  Speaker 3: them another couple of minutes? If I give them a
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  Speaker 3: warning now, you.
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  Speaker 4: Know, because that was the thing when I look at
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  Speaker 4: that go there was no reason why it had to
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  Speaker 4: be now and not in three minutes time, like actually
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  Speaker 4: it didn't matter. There was enough space between them the bedtime.
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  Speaker 4: Now if we had to leave the house and we
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  Speaker 4: were running late for something and it's now an immediate
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  Speaker 4: and you know, fine, but there wasn't. It was just
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  Speaker 4: because I wanted it done.
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  Speaker 2: And so.
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  Speaker 4: Consider it.
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  Speaker 1: Some great tips there from doctor Justin Pilson. As we've
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  Speaker 1: talked about getting kids to really listen. Thank you so
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  Speaker 1: much for your time.
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  Speaker 3: Always a pleasure.
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  Speaker 5: Love it.
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  Speaker 1: Don't forget Luke. If you want some more information, there's books,
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  Speaker 1: there's podcasts, there's resources glow they're all at happy families
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  Speaker 1: dot com dot au or of.
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  Speaker 4: Course to be inspired in person. You can find out
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  Speaker 4: how you can have to speak at your school or organization.
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  Speaker 4: You can check out Justin Coulson dot com.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah,