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#HURDLEMOMENT: How To Be Alone & Be OK With It · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hey, guys, what's shake in? Emily Abodi here. Welcome to another.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: Hurdle Moment from Hurdle, a podcast that talks to everyone
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: from entrepreneurs to CEOs and athletes about how they got
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: through tough times hurdles of sorts by leaning into wellness.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I know, I know.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: We talked about September being entirely dedicated to all things
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: running leading up to those fall marathons, and trust me,
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: the next two weeks have got some gems on that front,
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: including some great insight from a past popular Hurdle podcast
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: guest and peloton coach. But in the meantime, today I
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: am digging into a topic that I get a lot
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: of questions on, and that is loneliness and spending time alone.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Before I get into it, a quick shout out to
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: Hurdle Moments sponsor this week, Rollaco. The brand is well
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• 0:54
  Speaker 2: for the ladies listening too. Come October they are releasing
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: a two in one short for us, and also a
• 1:01
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• 1:04
  Speaker 2: to this episode, it'll send you over to Wollaco dot com.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: That's Wolaco dot com and that way you'll be kept
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: in the loop and you'll get fifteen percent off your
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: purchase come launch day. Okay, so loneliness. This episode was
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: triggered by a couple of things. Firstly, I had a
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: long run over the weekend that I did solo and
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: it was truly, truly difficult, and it reminded me that
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  Speaker 2: sometimes spending too much time alone can really mess up
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: your mind. And second thing that prompted this topic a
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: listener question that came in from Nicole asking me for
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  Speaker 2: some strategies to develop a healthy relationship with yourself and
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  Speaker 2: how to spend time solo.
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  Speaker 1: Without feeling like you're messing up.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I can confidently say that until early last year,
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was.
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  Speaker 1: Doing something wrong when I was doing things by myself.
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  Speaker 2: Whether it was going to the movies or going out
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  Speaker 2: for dinner, I felt as though by going to do
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: something alone it was like I I didn't find someone
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  Speaker 2: to do it with me, and that.
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  Speaker 1: Made it sort of like a pity party for lack
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  Speaker 1: of a better designation.
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  Speaker 2: Now I am so aware that it is so important
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: to be good with yourself before you could really show
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: up fully in your other relationships. And I learned that
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: by doing something really really uncomfortable, booking a trip to
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Italy completely on my own. Extreme extreme I know, but
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: the Italy trip was literally life changing. It impacted not
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: only how I handle my time alone these days, but
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: how I show up for other people in my life
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  Speaker 2: and handle so many different situations. So in today's episode,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: I am talking about how it's okay to be alone.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: It sounds a little silly, and some people might just
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: think that, you know, you just go out there and
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: you do.
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  Speaker 1: It right, you just spend time alone.
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  Speaker 2: But it's bigger than that, and in fact, if you
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: handle your alone time in the right way, then it
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  Speaker 2: can make you a better person in the long run.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: As always at Hurdle Podcasts at Emily a Body, if
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: you've got a hurdle moment of your own to share,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: or you just want to say hi, feel free to
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: reach out. It's Emily at hurdle dot us. And if
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: you're listening to this and you are running the Chicago Marathon,
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to put some feelers out. I'm looking to
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: do a shakeout run and a post run mirror situation.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Just a few I promise on Friday before the marathon,
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: around four pm.
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  Speaker 1: If you're running, is this something you'd be interested in?
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: If you're not running and you're in the area, is
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: it something that you come to let me know? Trying
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: to get a pulse check and hopefully I'll see y'all
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: in Chicago. And with that, let's get to hurdling. Everyone
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: spends time alone. Whether you're in a committed relationship, you're married,
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  Speaker 2: you're single, you're kind of single, it doesn't matter. This
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  Speaker 2: episode isn't to rap about how it's okay to be single.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: In my eyes, being single and being okay alone are
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: two very different things. So is the idea of being
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: alone and feeling lonely. Loneliness is a feeling that's often
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: experienced as negative and painful, but being alone is simply
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: you being without others. If you feel truly lonely, that's
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: when it's so so important to talk to someone, tell
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  Speaker 2: a friend, a mentor ask for help. I've done this before,
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  Speaker 2: and oftentimes you'll hit that realization when you do extend
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  Speaker 2: that alive branch that certainly you are not alone in
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  Speaker 2: how you feel. Trust me, it's okay to be vulnerable.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: It's okay to speak up with that. Let's chat about
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  Speaker 2: embracing time spent solo with four strategies for making the
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  Speaker 2: most out of your alone time. Strategy Number one, you
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  Speaker 2: have to develop a relationship with yourself, just like building
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  Speaker 2: a relationship with another person. You need to take the
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  Speaker 2: time to learn the things about you. Now when we
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: are scared of this process, right, too much time alone
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  Speaker 2: gives us too much time to think, which means that
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  Speaker 2: we might come to realizations about ourselves that can be
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  Speaker 2: a little bit unwelcomed. I'd say that this is what
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: I was dealing with on that run over the weekend. Right.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: I had just come back from a work trip which
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: involved two different five plus hour flights cross country, and
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  Speaker 2: then to wake up the next day and then tackle
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  Speaker 2: what was over a three hour run on my own.
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  Speaker 2: I just was craving other human interaction. I felt really lonely.
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  Speaker 2: I was looking for a little compassion, and it was
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  Speaker 2: hard to find that compassion in my what felt like
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: twenty fourth hour solo of the weekend. Anyway, needless to say,
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  Speaker 2: this relationship with yourself, it takes time, and it takes work,
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  Speaker 2: never ending work. It involves reading books, writing things down,
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  Speaker 2: speaking your mind, and learning to embrace both the good
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  Speaker 2: and the bad.
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  Speaker 1: Like that run in.
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  Speaker 2: The process of developing this relationship with yourself, you are
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  Speaker 2: guaranteed to be read it with some things you don't like.
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  Speaker 2: But that is why this process is so important. Through
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  Speaker 2: the self work, you have the opportunity to become better.
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  Speaker 2: You have the opportunity to learn, to make changes and
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  Speaker 2: to move forward. Granted, it takes a really big person
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  Speaker 2: to be open to those changes. It takes strength and
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  Speaker 2: dignity and courage to own your faults and make a shift.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes in relationships we have to do the things we
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  Speaker 2: might not want to, and that includes in this relationship
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  Speaker 2: with yourself. It's never ending and it's an opportunity to
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  Speaker 2: level up. Second strategy, you have to make plans with yourself. Again,
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: when you're dating someone, you make plans with them. You
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  Speaker 2: set aside specific time blocks to get to know them better.
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  Speaker 2: You try new things. Maybe you go to that classic
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  Speaker 2: date pizza making class, or you go to a movie,
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  Speaker 2: or you go for a run. You just you do
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  Speaker 2: a lot of things. So it's okay to set time
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  Speaker 2: aside to do some of these things with just your
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: self too. Like I said, this was something that took
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  Speaker 2: me some time to totally get used to, and I
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  Speaker 2: eased into it.
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  Speaker 1: By going to the movies.
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  Speaker 2: At first, the movies are like a total safe zone,
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  Speaker 2: right at least in that atmosphere. It's a dark room.
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  Speaker 2: No one's really judging you for going by yourself. It's comfortable.
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  Speaker 2: But then it was a whole different ballgame. After my
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: trip to Italy, That's when I started to branch out
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: of the dark rooms. I began going to more dinners alone,
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  Speaker 2: which I can now say that I've turned into a
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  Speaker 2: truly enjoyable art form. I'll go to dinner, I'll bring
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  Speaker 2: a book, I'll go somewhere I'm truly looking forward to
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  Speaker 2: being at because of the food or the ambience, and
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: most of the time I'll sit at the bar. This
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  Speaker 2: allows me the opportunity to keep it casual, maybe talk
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  Speaker 2: to a bartender. And also, no matter how comfortable you
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: are by yourself, I just can't personally get used to
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  Speaker 2: the idea of taking up a whole table just me anyway.
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  Speaker 2: Worth a highlight here, the goal isn't to go do
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  Speaker 2: these solo experiences like or taking a walk or going
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: to try a fun new experience alone. The goal isn't
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  Speaker 2: to go there and be on your cell phone the
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  Speaker 2: whole time looking for other human interaction. Like I said,
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  Speaker 2: maybe bring you a book is cool, Maybe bring a
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  Speaker 2: notebook to do some writing, But mostly try to take
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  Speaker 2: the time to just be, to embrace being alone and
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  Speaker 2: also be open to engaging with others. Maybe you'll meet
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  Speaker 2: someone new. You may just be surprised with what you
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  Speaker 2: can learn if you're open. Strategy number three, really show
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  Speaker 2: up when you are with others. Now, this is so
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  Speaker 2: so important. I cannot stress it enough. I've been consciously
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  Speaker 2: working on this myself for the past couple of years,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: and it's something that we actually also talked about last
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  Speaker 2: week at the Wolloco and Hurdle run out of Charlie Street.
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  Speaker 2: If you aren't fully present when you're with others, then
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  Speaker 2: what's the point. When I make a plan with a
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  Speaker 2: friend or someone that I work with or a family member,
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  Speaker 2: it's usually because we haven't connected in a minute. That
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  Speaker 2: point of getting together is to connect, not to mentally
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  Speaker 2: be somewhere else. If I'm at a dinner in Flat
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  Speaker 2: Iron and my thoughts are on some guy that is
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  Speaker 2: sitting in Brooklyn. Let me tell you that makes me
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  Speaker 2: not actually at the dinner in Flat Iron. And when
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  Speaker 2: you're not showing up when you're with others, you're missing
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  Speaker 2: an opportunity to learn. You should be engaged, you should
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  Speaker 2: ask questions, and then when you're alone, you can go
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  Speaker 2: home and do a debrief. At least that's what I do.
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  Speaker 2: When I leave, I ask myself what was good about
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  Speaker 2: this situation? What was not good about this situation?
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  Speaker 1: What did I learn?
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  Speaker 2: Is there anything I wanted to remind myself about later?
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  Speaker 2: Was there another plan that we set forth that I
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: need to plug into my calendar? I mean, the action
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  Speaker 2: items after every interaction could be endless, plain and said bull.
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  Speaker 2: By embracing your time with others, you are better off
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  Speaker 2: when you leave, and you have the chance to be
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  Speaker 2: better by yourself. And the last strategy, make yourself proud
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  Speaker 2: and celebrate the wins. I don't know about you, guys,
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: but whenever something really exciting happens, my gut reaction is
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: to immediately reach for my phone and call one of
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: my parents or tell one of my best friends. I
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: think it's because we want someone to add into the
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: validation right. We want to share this exciting experience with
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: someone else. But it is so important for you to
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: celebrate you, whether it's because of a big win or
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: small win, or just because whatever it's Tuesday morning. When
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: you do something that makes you proud, you deserve to
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  Speaker 2: take the time to recognize that. Maybe it's stopping for
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: a nice blast of wine on your way home from
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: a long day or making a point to write about
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: it in a journal before going to bed. You need
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: to do the things that make you happy. You need
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  Speaker 2: to do the things that make you feel fulfilled. One
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: of my favorite quotes is success is how you feel
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: about yourself when you are by yourself, and that means
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: that you need to get used to spending time alone,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: celebrating alone, and feeling good on your own. Trust me,
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  Speaker 2: I know it isn't easy. As someone who spends a
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: ton of time alone, living alone, working for herself, running
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: more often than not, alone, I understand how it can
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: feel a little stressful, It can feel a little daunting,
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  Speaker 2: it can.
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  Speaker 1: Feel all alone.
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  Speaker 2: It takes work to get okay with that feeling, to
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  Speaker 2: quiet the noise that's in our minds, but it's worthwhile
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: work and if you're willing to put in the effort.
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  Speaker 2: If you're willing to listen to what's happening inside your head,
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: inside your heart, inside your gut, you'll be a lot.
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  Speaker 1: Better for it. And that's all for now.
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  Speaker 2: If you feel alone, if you have a story you
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: want to talk about, if you have a scenario that
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: you're trying to work through, I'm all ears. Feel free
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: to tag the podcast. Tag me at Hurdle Podcasts at
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Emily a body and as always I am free over email,
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: It's Emily at hurdle dot us.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next time.