Latest / Candid Coach Conversations / Yes, And | Savannah Burke on Boundaries, Guilt & Protecting Your Time

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Yes, And | Savannah Burke on Boundaries, Guilt & Protecting Your Time · Candid Coach Conversations

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  What if saying no did not make you feel selfish and setting
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  a boundary actually did not mean that you were letting anyone down.
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  What if? I'm Kimberly Boyd.
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  Welcome to Candid Coach Conversations.
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  I am the founder of Live Life Fully, and today I have
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  with me Savannah Burke, a certified Live Life Fully coach.
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  Good morning! How are you this morning?
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  Good morning, Savannah. I'm
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  doing great.
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  Me
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  Beautiful day, the sun is out, it's not 115 degrees yet, so
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  too. my gosh. Amen. Amen.
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  Yes.
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  it's wonderful.
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  So good. I'm so glad you're here.
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  And I love this topic, and I know you and I talk
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  about boundaries and the importance.
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  And so
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  Yes, boundaries are important and what I love to think about is
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  having boundaries without the guilt.
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  And so as I ask, like what if saying no did not
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  make a person feel guilty and
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  Yeah, so that's the topic of today, boundaries without guilt.
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  So I guess to kick us off, Savannah, I'd love to hear
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  from you about like what do you think when you hear the
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  word boundary, what do you think of?
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  think of protection protection for me Boundaries is one of my absolute
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  favorite things to talk about because for so long I allowed so
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  many people to walk over my boundaries I myself would step over
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  my own boundaries and Funny enough, that's what my newsletters are about
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  this month our boundaries
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  so
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  I was watching something one morning, absolutely love Mel Robbins and I
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  know you do too. And she put boundaries in a, the explanation
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  of boundaries in a way that made it go.
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  And I use this in therapy
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  Yeah.
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  sessions, I use this in coaching sessions when we talk about boundaries,
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  because the way she put it was, boundaries are supposed to be
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  to protect you and your space, not to make someone else stop
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  or start anything.
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  Sure.
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  So many people look at boundaries as ultimatums, because nobody likes to
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  be told, no, you're not gonna do this, no, I'm not gonna
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  accept this.
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  Nobody likes to be told no.
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  And my gosh, so many times, like I said, people would just
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  walk all over mine and I'd be like, okay, because I didn't
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  want to make anybody mad.
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  I didn't want to disappoint anybody.
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  was afraid the way I stepped over my own boundaries was when
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  I was still working in oil and gas, I didn't want to
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  use PTO. didn't want to, I didn't want to use anything.
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  I would work on my days off, I would work on vacations,
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  I would do that because I was so afraid that if they
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  saw that if I took off a week and didn't do anything
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  that they wouldn't need me anymore.
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  Wow.
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  Yes.
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  Wow. You were running yourself ragged, I imagine.
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  my gosh, you have no idea.
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  By the
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  time I left Oil and Gas, or that particular company, I think
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  it had like 150 hours of PTO that I had not taken.
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  wow. Wow. Okay, so
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  Yes. So.
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  I love how you said this that a boundary is protection for
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  you.
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  Mm-mm.
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  And I
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  love that. And I also love that you really described what a
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  boundary is not. And a boundary is not an ultimatum.
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  I love that you said that.
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  Okay, wait. But I also want to back up because you mentioned
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  your newsletter. So if people want to start receiving your newsletter, they
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  would go to, I just want to make this clear, they would
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  go to the website and
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  Yes.
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  which is llfully.com, and then they could go up to the resource
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  test.
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  and you have a free
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  Goody. I'm gonna call it a goodie.
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  Yes, yes I do.
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  You have a free goodie.
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  And
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  people can click that and receive that free goodie, and then they
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  will start also receiving your newsletter.
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  Yes.
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  Okay.
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  That's so exciting. Okay, back to boundaries.
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  Yes.
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  So a boundary is protection for you and it is not an
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  Correct.
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  ultimatum.
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  When you were talking, I was like, Yes, protection for me.
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  Like a boundary, I think of fences sometimes.
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  I also think
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  Mm-hmm.
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  of rope lighting and hula hoops.
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  I'll come back to that.
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  but like a fence. People have fences around their yard.
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  Maybe it's to keep their own animals in, but it's really that
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  fence to say, Hey, don't come in my fence.
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  This is my
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  Right.
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  space. So, yeah, that's what popped up for me.
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  Yeah,
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  and it works in so many different ways, whether it be someone
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  that constantly is a taker and never gives back.
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  So I also look at them as it also blocks energy suckers,
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  time suckers that that set things away from you when you are
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  trying to grow in your own piece, in your own business, in
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  your own job and whatever it is that you're you're willing to
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  grow in. Yeah, so protect yourself and protect your time is super
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  important. So that way you have the energy to be able to
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  give back to others in
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  Yeah.
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  whatever way that you want to give back and need to give
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  back.
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  So you mentioned that you were not, you wouldn't even take the
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  PTO. That the company,
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  Yes, sir.
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  like they know people are gonna take time off and so therefore
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  they have paid time off.
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  Right.
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  But you didn't take it.
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  So
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  like where do you think the guilt comes from?
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  Like in terms of setting a boundary or taking time for yourself,
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  where do you think that guilt comes from?
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  That's a
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  very good question.
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  Or how it
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  You know what?
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  even happens.
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  That's a very, I never stopped to think about where that guilt
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  comes from because I've always thought of, ever since my mother said
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  something to me, guilt is the emotion we allow ourselves to feel
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  when we don't want to deal with the anger behind it.
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  And I think the guilt came from, I didn't want to let
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  anybody down. I did not want to have to get behind in
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  any of my projects. And even now I still,
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  have some when I choose to take time off for like Christmas.
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  And I, cause I think to myself, my clients are going to
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  need me as well. My, you know, whether it be coaching or
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  therapy. And then I think to myself, no, I need this time
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  too. I need this time to reconnect with my family, to spend
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  time with my family. And I really think that the guilt came
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  from letting others down and never
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  Hmm.
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  thinking.
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  How am I letting myself down?
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  Yeah. It's fascinating. So
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  So.
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  yeah, I think that I agree.
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  Like it really does come from that concern about the effect on
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  Mm-hmm.
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  others.
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  So when thinking about setting boundaries and that guilt piece that creeps
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  in sometimes, in your
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  Right.
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  opinion, how can a person set a boundary, even if it's a
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  boundary that they say to themselves?
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Or set a boundary with another person.
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  Like how can I do it without the guilt?
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  Are there specific thoughts they need that you think would be helpful
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  to have? Are there specific words that you think would be helpful
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  to have? How can a person set a boundary and let that
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  guilt go?
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  By remembering that they matter as much as the other person.
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  matter. What they have going on matters and that they have goals
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  that they've set for themselves, either for the week, for the month,
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  or for the day. And that they matter too.
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  Sure.
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  Their time matters.
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  And if this person is, if this person means enough to them,
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  they will also understand. So it's also about knowing the people that
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  you're setting boundaries with.
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  Mm. Okay.
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  So.
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  Really, it's gonna be about getting to know yourself better, I think,
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  and understanding that, okay, so if guilt is the emotion that we
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  allow ourselves to feel when we don't wanna deal with the anger
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  behind it, what is that anger and what's behind the anger?
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  I'm angry that this
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  Yes.
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  person keeps trying to take over my time when they know I'm
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  trying to reach a deadline or I'm upset or hurt.
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  by this person who keeps thinking that I'm here to serve them,
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  or I'm disappointed by the boss that has put this unrealistic deadline
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  on me or unrealistic task on me, knowing that I have so
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  many other things.
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  Love it. Yes. So that is
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  So.
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  really thinking about the anger behind the guilt.
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  Yes.
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  Yeah, that's good. Way to go, mom.
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  N. I know, right?
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  For teaching me that,
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  yes. Okay, so yes. so with that, I guess
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  When I think about boundaries and if somebody that that unrealistic expectation
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  or maybe it's not unreal realistic, maybe it's something
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  Mm-hmm.
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  else that is a usual question and I've stacked stuff in my
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  day or whatever it is.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  I love approaching boundaries with the word yes more than the word
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  no because no I do think creates some sort of a whatever
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  inside of us as we're saying it and to the person receiving
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  it. But I
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  Mm-hmm.
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  love using that word yes and
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  Yes, and and then say whatever it is.
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  So I'm acknowledging and here is the expectation.
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  So something I was working with with a client.
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  she we were working on, we were coaching, and she had some
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  things that she wanted to do, like goals that she had set
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  Mm-hmm.
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  for herself and
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  The time that she was that she had to work on it,
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  let's say it was after she got home from work, and she
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  wanted to spend 20 minutes unwinding and jotting ideas that had come
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  to her. The whole per she was writing a book.
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  She would get home, she would say hello to her family, all
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  of that. She had already told them, like, here is something that
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  I want to do. I want to take 20 minutes each evening
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  Mm-hmm.
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  and work on this.
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  She made it clear, like that's her boundary.
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  And what she was finding is that when she would go into
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  her office and spend those 20 minutes that her husband would text
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  or come to the door, or one of her kids would come
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  in and say, Hey mom, how's it going?
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  They were not asking her to do anything.
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  Now sometimes they did. And so
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  If they were asking her to do something, she really started changing
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  her language to them like, Hey everyone, th I'm going for my
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  twenty minutes and I don't want to be interrupted unless someone's dying
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  or the house is on fire.
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  Right.
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  So setting that boundary, she had told him, but then when she
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  would disappear, she didn't front load them, like, hey, I'm my time
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  starts now, don't come in.
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  So that, and then also she was finding herself, like after the
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  20 minutes, her kids or family or whoever would ask her to
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  do things, ask for something, help on something.
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  Mm hmm.
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  And she hated saying no to them.
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  Hated it. So she would stop what she was doing for herself
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  and go take care of whatever it is that they were.
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  Asking her to do. So we worked on that through coaching, and
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  so she came up with, yes, I will help you as soon
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  as I finish typing this email.
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  Yes, I will do XYZ once I finish this.
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  So she put herself first.
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  Y'all, setting boundaries is not selfish at all.
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  No. It's necessary.
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  Because the selfish, I think what happens when we don't, when we
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  start saying, yes, let me stop what I'm doing, go take care
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  of, let me do this, resentment starts building.
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  absolutely.
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  And when my resentment's there, then you're doing things huffing and puffing
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  around and that's not good.
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  Run!
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  That's
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  the selfish piece.
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  Absolutely. And your family starts to react to it and then they
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  get all upset and then everybody spends the rest of the evening
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  instead of enjoying each other's company, being angry with each other or
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  hurt or disappointed or whatever.
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  Yeah.
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  Act feeling weird here.
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  And nobody wants to spend family time like that because it's hard
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  enough as it is to get everybody together in the evenings.
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  Sure.
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  Yes.
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  and
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  reconnect. And I think that is that I know this maybe doesn't
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  have anything to do with boundaries, but I think reconnecting with your
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  family every day is one of the most important things that everybody
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  needs. Connecting with with those that you love.
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  Yes.
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  So important. Because
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  you blink and it's gone.
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  And so
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  Right.
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  by I yeah. I love how you.
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  put that yes and because expect unvoiced expectations are preconceived fights or
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  hurts.
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  Yes.
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  And you can't expect someone to know what you're thinking unless you
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  say it.
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  Dang it, we don't have mind readers.
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  No, your crystal balls
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  in the shop with mine.
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  Yeah.
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  My crystal balls were on the fritz for, you years.
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  Yeah.
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  So
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  it's sitting right next to the how to how to raise a
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  Yes. Exactly.
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  child book. Yeah.
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  So Savannah, what if thinking about your life and I'm putting you
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  on the spot here? Thinking
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  Thank
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  about your life. And whatever comes to mind for now, maybe it's
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  not the thing. But like what boundary on the spur of the
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  moment on the spot, what boundary do you think has made the
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  biggest impact in your life?
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  That's a very good question.
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  I'm not really sure.
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  I see.
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  No I do, I do.
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  It was when I decided to stop doing therapy on Fridays and
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  do nothing but coaching. And I've only crossed it.
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  And it was for good reasons.
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  And I did not feel bad about doing it because I was
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  doing it for a good reason, for a good cause.
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  my... Yeah. My fate... I'm home on Fridays by myself anyway, so
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  the only person that I have to take care of is not
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  even a person. It's a four-legged furry thing.
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  So... Yeah,
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  she has a mind of her own.
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  But I was so scared that what if I told my client
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  I'm no longer doing Fridays, you're going to have another day.
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  I was so scared that I would lose everybody.
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  I didn't lose a single person.
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  I was able to do that and I got the feedback of,
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  was positive feedback that no, I'm not going to lose everybody or
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  everything. It was a lot easier to go, hmm.
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  Okay. Yeah, this feels good.
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  I no longer was scared.
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  I no longer felt that I was taking things away from people
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  instead of giving back to myself.
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  And it really did. was a game changer.
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  It was a total game changer.
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  My week's still going like this now and I can't wait to
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  get to Fridays to do this right here.
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  Right.
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  I
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  cannot wait to get to Fridays because I love coaching.
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  So very much and I am so thankful that you brought this
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  into my life because it is one of the best things I
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  Does feel good. I love it.
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  think I've ever done It feels good It does and Yes
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  I love being coached and I love coaching others.
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  It's it's fun.
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  Yeah. Okay, so the boundary that has made the biggest difference is
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  your schedule. Really
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  Yeah, evaluating how you wanted your life to look in terms of
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  Yes. Yes.
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  your work days. I love that.
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  Yeah.
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  good so good i think one of the bit the boundaries there's
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  been several but one of the boundaries that really has made the
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  biggest difference is again it goes i think it does go back
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  to scheduling it was it was creating that boundary of my morning
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  Mm-hmm.
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  routine
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  and i know listeners are probably like this woman talks about her
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  morning routine y'all i'm talking
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  Yeah.
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  you it is
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  The best.
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  Yes, it's a game changer.
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  It is it's a game change, it's a life changer, it's a
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  Yes, it sets the tone.
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  It sets the tone for the rest of the day.
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  minute change, it's a everything change.
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  It does.
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  Yes. And then really deciding and I day I make this decision
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  first thing in the morning, like when I'm doing my morning routine,
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  what my day
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  Mm-hmm.
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  it's gonna look like. And so when I have that idea up
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  front, yes I can pivot when necessary.
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  Period. And when anything does come in, a request, an email, a
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  whatever you name it, I can evaluate, okay, let me think about
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  that.
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  You've made a request. Okay, let me think for a minute.
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  I don't answer right away.
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  Like, okay, I need a minute.
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  Let me think. Let me take a pause, take a breath.
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  And then I think about does that align with what I set
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  up for myself for the day?
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  And if
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  Mm-hmm.
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  not, then my answer is when can I?
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  Okay, that would be on Sunday.
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  Okay, yes. I heard you, this is what you want.
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  Yes, I can do it, and it's gonna have to wait until
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  Sunday at three o'clock.
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  Right.
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  Best boundary. So it does go back to time.
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  I think that's so interesting.
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  Both of us are like
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  Mm-mm.
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  it was a time thing.
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  Time you dedicated
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  Yes!
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  on Friday. Time I dedicate on the mornings and in the evenings.
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  And I
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  Mm-hmm.
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  don't think like years ago, I don't think
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  Like if somebody said, Kiberly, would you consider your morning routine boundaries?
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  And I'd I'd be like, no.
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  No!
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  I didn't even
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  know. But it was through coaching that I realized, like, that is
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  boundary. I mean, would you have thought
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  Mm-hmm.
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  rearranging your work schedule would be classified as a boundary?
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  No,
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  I would not have I thought that was just a career choice,
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  Right.
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  you know, but no
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  Yeah, that is,
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  Yes.
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  that's the reason setting up your, your month, your week, your day.
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  That's the reason it's so important is to set those boundaries.
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  Yes. Yes. So good. my god.
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  Because nobody,
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  nobody likes to go, you know, yeah, I can do that.
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  And then you get down to it you're like, Ooh, I've already
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  got something at that time.
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  And I've already said that nobody likes that feeling.
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  No.
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  So.
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  Yes. So setting down that boundary of this is yes and I
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  can do it then.
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  So as you were just saying that what popped up I'm guessing
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  like, okay, so if I want to if I want everybody to
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  leave with something, then my I want you to leave with is
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  pause. Pause, think, what do I have before you say yes or
• 19:02
  no? And then see if you can turn it in a yes
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  and
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  Mine would be you matter and your time matters and saying no
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  is not rejection. It is honoring yourself.
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  Good stuff. I love it.
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  Yeah!
• 19:19
  my gosh. Awesome. Thank
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  you, Savannah. I'm so glad you were here today with us on
• 19:26
  Thank you, it was wonderful.
• 19:27
  Candid Coach Conversations.
• 19:28
  I love talking about these.
• 19:30
  I know it's so good, so good.
• 19:33
  to all the listeners, thank you for listening, joining us today on
• 19:38
  Candid Coach Conversations. Give us a like, go to the website, llfully.com,
• 19:44
  go to the resource tab, get Savannah's little goody, start receiving her
• 19:49
  newsletter, and if you're free, October 3rd, grab your ticket for the
• 19:55
  planting seeds 2027 retreats.
• 19:56
  It's gonna be
• 19:57
  amazing.
• 19:57
  Yes it is. Y'all have a great day and we'll see you
• 20:01
  soon. Remember, live life fully and enjoy every moment.