Latest / Intimate Conversations with Men about Life, Love, and Sex / Why Men Pull Away and Women Lose Desire: The Biology of Love with Dr. John Gray
Transcript
- [00:00:00] John: It's called the five finger ask. And so at a random time when it seems like your husband is busy doing something and doesn't wanna be bothered, you walk in with a big smile on your face and you put five fingers up. And that mean- it's a game you play where it's a process, where when he sees five fingers, he knows she's gonna ask me to do something that she could do for herself. [00:00:21] John: That makes it dangerous. No woman is ever gonna ask a man to do something she could easily do for herself. [00:00:26] Voiceover: Welcome to Intimate Conversations With Men about life, love, and sex. The conversations you're about to hear don't happen often, not in boardrooms, not in locker rooms, rarely anywhere. Elena Sofia Ruiz has invested 37 years studying how individuals think, operate, connect, and how they are mentally built, and she has a rare gift for creating the kind of space where men actually go there. [00:00:49] Voiceover: Relationships, health, emotional intimacy, personal growth, real talk from the male perspective. So settle in. This one goes deep. [00:00:58] Elena: Thank you for joining again to Intimate Conversation with very interesting men. And today, we have a very special guest. I'm sure you heard his name before, and possibly, I'm almost sure, you read his book. [00:01:12] Elena: Sounds like Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Let's welcome Dr. John Gray. [00:01:21] John: Thank you so much, Elena. I'm happy to be with you. [00:01:23] Elena: It's an honor to have you here, and I have so many questions. I thought I was ready, and yesterday I click to listen to an interview with you, and you speak about specific body parts that have a very interesting status. [00:01:37] Elena: So do you know what I'm talking about, Dr. Gray? [00:01:40] John: Uh, that day I had sex with my wife for an hour. It's oft- quite often, almost every day, and I'm 74 years old. My sex life is better than it's ever been, and I, I feel, uh, alive because of the, the quality of relationship. Once you learn how to communicate in a way that raises a woman's estrogen levels... [00:01:58] John: For women to be multi-orgasmic, they need high estrogen levels. For men, they need high testosterone levels. And when I treat her in a way outside the bedroom that raises her estrogen, it actually raises her desire to have sex. So it's, it's so interesting that as I get older, my partner wants to have more sex than in the past because she feels safer, she can trust, she can open up. [00:02:23] John: And I like to bring in the science and the biology, but the... When a woman's estrogen levels, when she feels safe and she can depend on her partner for help in some significant way in her life, that raises her estrogen levels. It doubles them, and then something happens in her brain which releases another hormone called LH, luteinizing hormone, which causes her to want to have sex, more than a guy. [00:02:46] John: You know, this is like... But she has to feel very feminine and very safe, then it will happen. Because my wife feels that way, it helps to double my testosterone, okay? So then that keeps me young and healthy. So this is a possibility for couples, but there's a lot of forces that inhibit that, that block that, so we have to learn to overcome those forces. [00:03:07] John: It's just the nature of life. If you don't add to a relationship, it will go down. If you don't water the garden, the plants will die. And so I'm teaching how to water the relationship, how to literally provide the support that my wife needs so she can stay vibrant, young, and healthy, and likewise for me. [00:03:26] John: And this is all... What I see is communication skills can have a huge impact on that. [00:03:32] Elena: I hear you talking about this. I actually, uh, pay quite a bit little bit attention, uh, beyond Mars and Venus, and it was very interesting how you managed to, uh, transport the original book to more modern or current- [00:03:46] John: Yeah, yeah, updated [00:03:47] Elena: frame. And in my mind, when, uh, somebody uses the word hormones, you usually think about women, their periods, and menopause. But it was very interesting to me how you, uh, e- explain the biology of the hormones and how important is not just for women, but for men. [00:04:07] John: Oh, yeah. Everything for men. [00:04:08] Elena: Cause you s- you talk about hugging your wife four times a day, and in my profession, uh, helping men, number one question is why women do not communicate when they are, you know, in those days. [00:04:22] Elena: Uh, you know, I'm, I'm going through my period. That's the first question. And the second question is why we don't understand women what they want. So what would you, uh, tell all those men who wanna build a better relationship, who wanna increase their sexual life, h- what to do? What is the key that you have, um... [00:04:44] Elena: You s- you said a little bit there, but more of the actions and the day, like y- like you said, the, the cultivating, the other things like the hugs that are important in the relationship to increase that experience. [00:04:58] John: Just let me ask a question of you first, which is I can talk to the men and how to- How to maintain your masculinity when you're married. [00:05:06] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:05:06] John: That's a big, big issue, uh, because love produces female hormones. [00:05:11] Elena: Correct. [00:05:12] John: Correct. So this is like if you look at statistically, now we're just looking at statistics of the average of our culture, for every age group, if you look in that age group, let's say all men, and they have millions of people in these studies because this is big, huge hospitals put in the input. [00:05:29] John: So every man, if you look in the age group of 35, in that group, the single men will have the highest testosterone on average. [00:05:37] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:05:38] John: The married men, it will drop. The men who are dating, actually it will drop a little bit if he's in a committed relationship. Then he marries, it takes another drop. If he has children, it takes another drop. [00:05:49] John: If he has grandchildren, it takes another drop. So typically, men with grandchildren have the lowest. Now, I have five grandchildren. My testosterone is twice as high as a young man when I was single. So why the difference? Is it communication skills? How I, how I communicate with my wife, how I have sex, when I have sex, the way I have sex, the way I talk about my feelings, the way I listen to her, how I'm able to make her happier, uh, and, and also how I manage my sexual energy. [00:06:19] John: Because for men, one of the number one causes of reduced testosterone is not having regular sex with your wife. [00:06:27] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:06:27] John: Okay? It's very important. And so when men don't have regular sex with, sex with a woman who loves him, who has orgasms in response to his love, okay, so this is like a big testosterone producer for me. [00:06:40] John: Uh, if I was to have sex with somebody online, my testosterone goes down. It w- it hurts my soul. If I have sex with myself, my testosterone goes down. These are things that are historically in all ancient traditions was always encouraged men to not have sex with themselves, to not have sex outside of marriage, because when you have sex outside of marriage, there's generally no real love. [00:07:03] John: Love grows over time, and when a man has sex with his wife who he loves, actually a different set of hormones get produced. You can measure if you're committed to your wife or not by what happens after you have sex. What happens after you have sex and you don't have bonding and commitment with your wife, men will feel experience of dissatisfaction with their partner and want a different partner. [00:07:26] John: That's called lust. Always lusting after new and different, new and different. And that, that becomes an addiction. He becomes addicted to sex rather than he enjoys sex with his partner, uh, but he doesn't have to have sex, but he likes to have sex. So like I don't walk around f- ever feeling horny, uh, like, oh, I'm missing out on sex. [00:07:49] John: You could say because I have regular sex, but the reason I have regular sex is a different reason and that is that my testosterone levels are basically 10 to 20 times higher than my wife all the time and her estrogen levels are 10 to 20 times higher than mine. It's that polarity. It's like a north pole of a magnet, a south pole of a magnet, they attract and then we'll be together. [00:08:13] John: I also, another big part of being masculine is I don't look to my wife for approval. Okay? So I mean, I want her approval for sure, but I approve of myself based upon I feel good about myself. My self-esteem is that I have a job, I help people, I make money, I feel really good just doing this interview with you. [00:08:35] John: I could be having a really awful day and I do this interview with something I'm good at, knowing I'm helpful, my testosterone shoots up so I can't experience any stress at all and it will stay with me, uh, for quite a while. That's success as a result of my actions is what keeps my testosterone up. Now let's say I was this really successful guy and I said, "Now I can retire. I don't have to work so hard," my testosterone will go down. Uh, w- you have to keep working if you're a man and you have to, I, I don't know, maybe you have to work harder. Uh, work is easy for me but I have to work more. What happens is naturally for a man, he grows in wisdom. Now wisdom is everything is okay, everything is all right. [00:09:24] John: I, I have the power to draw into my life what I need. That's wisdom and- As men get older, they gain wisdom. Like nothing can upset me anymore. I know that, you know, my life, part of my wisdom, it takes a, a lifetime to learn this, is that bad things happen all the time to everybody, not just me. And I learned a lesson, and always something really good happens, you know? [00:09:49] John: It's just the way life is. You go up, you go down, you go in, you go out. It's a rhythm. So when bad things happen, I just go, "Okay, something good's gonna happen tomorrow," you know? It's kinda like that. And my wife can be upset about something. I have wisdom to know that if I just listen to her, I don't argue with her, I try to understand her, I feel some empathy for her, she will open her heart again, and whatever we're upset about, we're not upset about anymore. [00:10:12] John: We can get along. So these are things that come with wisdom. But, uh, so that is congruent. When you have wisdom, you have high estrogen. Estrogen goes up. So hopefully, as men get older, they have more wisdom, but unless they keep working, their testosterone goes down. So you see that the men who have the lowest testosterone are the men who retire, uh, 'cause they no longer have to do something to achieve a goal. [00:10:38] John: That's what creates testosterone. [00:10:40] Elena: That's very interesting. [00:10:41] John: So let me give a foundation for men and for women- [00:10:44] Elena: I love that ... [00:10:45] John: of hormones. There's two types of stress. There's the cortisol, which means there's danger, and I'm not, I'm not... I, I'm losing my confidence. [00:10:55] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:10:55] John: And for women, it's danger, and I don't trust that I'm gonna be okay. [00:10:58] John: Okay? So that's cortisol. [00:11:00] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:11:01] John: Before you have cortisol, you have adrenaline. That's moderate stress. Okay. And we live in an economy of adrenaline. Adrenaline is there's danger, but I'm confident. So if you're driving in a car, you're making a certain amount of adrenaline, okay? 'Cause there's danger. Uh- [00:11:15] Elena: Mm-hmm [00:11:16] John: and, and if you're a businesswoman or you're busy working or you're raising your kids, you're busy during the day, there's gonna be adrenaline being produced. [00:11:23] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:11:24] John: Now, one of the differences between men and women is that- Whenever cortisol, that's the higher stress level- [00:11:32] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:11:32] John: cortisol, when it gets produced you can measure a woman's hormones. Her estrogen is really low and her testosterone's really high. [00:11:42] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:11:43] John: If the man is experiencing cortisol, his testosterone is going down and his estrogen is going up. [00:11:50] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:11:51] John: So estrogen is emotion and feeling. So whenever a man is angry, for example, what's going on in his body? His testosterone's going down. [00:12:01] John: And everybody always thinks test- angry men have high testosterone. Well, actually it is true that some men who get angry normally would have high testosterone 'cause they have more muscle mass. [00:12:13] Elena: When they have a purpose for that anger, like when it's at work or accomplish something, I guess, right? [00:12:18] John: Well, when, when a man doesn't have confidence that he can solve a problem- mm [00:12:22] John: "There's danger and I don't know what to do"- [00:12:25] Elena: Okay ... [00:12:25] John: or, "It's not working. What I'm doing isn't working," he goes into what's called fight or flight. [00:12:31] John: Fight. [00:12:32] Elena: Uh-huh. [00:12:32] John: Fight or flight. [00:12:34] Elena: Uh-huh. The sympathetic. Uh-huh. [00:12:35] John: Women, women will often go into fake And, and, and accommodate. Fake and fold. Okay? Okay. And then they'll go into fight or flight eventually, when they, when they really feel threatened. [00:12:47] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:12:47] John: But first they'll try to put on a smile and be manipulative and try to be nice, whatever, you know? But really inside they're resenting you but acting like everything's fine. These are stress responses. [00:12:57] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:12:58] John: We have to know that cortisol, you have no control over your brain at that time. [00:13:02] John: Different parts of your brain become activated, the same parts of the brain that would be activated if you're faced with an enemy. So if you're in a cortisol state, your partner becomes an enemy. You have no love for them. You may think you love them, but you can't feel that love at that time. [00:13:18] Elena: Mm. [00:13:18] John: So we wanna get out of the cortisol state. [00:13:21] John: So we can learn that when a man is in cortisol, his testosterone is too low. What is a healthy level for a man? His testosterone levels need to be 10 times higher than a woman's. [00:13:32] Elena: Mm-hmm. 10 times higher. [00:13:33] John: A woman, her estrogen- [00:13:35] Elena: Mm ... [00:13:35] John: needs to be 10 times higher than a man's. [00:13:37] Elena: Than a man. [00:13:38] John: If it goes down, or a man's testosterone goes down- [00:13:42] Elena: Mm-hmm [00:13:42] John: cortisol comes up, we lose our ability to love. [00:13:46] Elena: Mm. [00:13:46] John: To love, which means to understand where somebody's coming from. [00:13:49] Elena: Mm. [00:13:49] John: To be compassionate, to be empathetic, to be kind, to be appreciative, to be trusting. We lose all of that. You, you can't feel that when you're at, being attacked by a enemy. Okay? Danger, bombs are dropping, you're in a stressed state, you're in a fear. [00:14:03] John: So what happens is if I have just one piece of information on how men and women are different, the most sig- significant difference is this hormonal difference because- If my wife is unhappy or stressed, all I have to do is think I know just what to do to help raise her estrogen [00:14:21] Elena: Mm-hmm [00:14:21] John: That keeps my testosterone up- [00:14:23] Elena: Mm [00:14:23] John: 'cause I know just what to do. I'm ensured of success- Mm ... 'cause somebody's taught me what to do and what not to do. And if I know what to do, then my wife could be unhappy, she could be complaining, and I know just what to do to have her come back into happiness, so I don't get stressed. A woman, when a man is ignoring you, he doesn't have, he procrastinates, he gets gr- angry about things, he's, uh, blows up, temperamental, all that's going on inside of him is his testosterone's low. [00:14:57] John: And if you know what to do to raise his testosterone, all those bad habits, all those things can go away. And nobody is perfect to start with, but you get better and better at this until you learn to manage this, and you build up what I call the love bank. [00:15:13] Elena: Mm. [00:15:13] John: The love bank is many, many little experiences of success where he feels successful and she feels connected. [00:15:22] John: So estrogen is, women need connection. They need to feel safe through connection. [00:15:29] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:15:29] John: Men do not need safety or connection. What men need is the anticipation of success, that I can be successful, that I know just what to do. Men do not know what to do with modern women, and therefore we, our testosterone starts to drop. [00:15:45] Elena: Mm. [00:15:45] John: We start going into our cave. We pull away. One of the ideas of Better For Mars is that, that, so important, and people have to remind me 'cause I've been teaching this for 40 years, and they say, "Oh, we talk about the rubber band" 'Cause what ha- and men don't understand this about themselves, but it runs our life. [00:16:03] John: What happens is we get close to a woman, we spend time with her, intimate conversation with a woman, so you get close to her. At a certain point, your estrogen, in a sense, you're connecting with her, you're understanding her, so your female hormones will start to increase. [00:16:18] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:16:19] John: As your estrogen goes up, your testosterone will start to go down. [00:16:24] John: This is inevitable. Unless- Mm ... unless he's feeling sexually attracted to you in the moment. That would be sex, and sex, he's actually going into you. [00:16:33] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:16:33] John: So he's going, you are his female side, so his estrogen goes very high, but because he's still on his male side, he's providing something for you. He's confident. [00:16:44] John: He's making you happy. He's on his male side and his female side, so both hormones are going up, and that's what orgasm is. That's what ecstasy is, is that's what passion is. That's what w- pure love and oneness is, is you can measure a man's testosterone when he's having sex or just when he wants to have s- when he's feeling aroused. [00:17:06] John: Mm-hmm. When a man is feeling aroused, what happens is his testosterone's rising and his estrogen rising together. It's going up. Now, some men, when they're feeling aroused and they feel rejected by a woman, then his testosterone goes down, but his estrogen is high, and he becomes angry, and are only angry when their testosterone is low. [00:17:28] John: See, everybody thinks a- testosterone makes men angry. No, it's testosterone going down that makes men angry. And what, for the men listening, one of the things we do that nobody has taught us how to be masculine and maintain our testosterone is modern psychology thinks that talking about feelings is the answer to everything Talk about your feelings and everything gets better. [00:17:53] John: But couples talk about their feelings all the time and things get worse and worse and worse. It's not reality. [00:18:00] Elena: Hmm. [00:18:00] John: We live in a, a cult. The world has become a psychology feelings cult. [00:18:06] Elena: Hmm. [00:18:06] John: That somehow talking to your partner about your feelings is the most important thing and it always works. Now, when I talk about my feelings to my wife where I'm not in a stressed state, that's wonderful. [00:18:19] John: You know, I could say, "Oh, I'm kinda worried. I gotta go to the office because I gotta do this thing and I, if I don't get that done, it won't get done." But I'm not feeling stressed. [00:18:27] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:18:27] John: So that's fine. I'm talking about what's going on inside of me, but I'm not stressed. But as soon as a man is stressed, adrenaline, even adrenaline, if he talks, his stress will only go higher. If he's- [00:18:39] Elena: Wow ... [00:18:39] John: already in cortisol, he, the more he talks when he's in cortisol, the angrier he will become. [00:18:45] Elena: Yeah. You talk about this in the first book where, uh, we have the need to express, but men have the need to go to his cave or isolate. Well, [00:18:55] John: to manage stress. Only when they can manage stress effectively. [00:18:58] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:18:58] John: Men have to detach, disconnect. And you can actually, now we have the science backing this up, that as soon as a man is producing adrenaline, his brain changes. There's a system in the brain called the mirror neurons system. [00:19:12] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:19:13] John: Allows you to feel something, allows you to feel your own feelings, allows you the feelings of others. [00:19:18] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:19:18] John: Allows you to feel empathy, allows you to feel compassion. Hmm. That brings out love. It's empathy and compassion that bring out love. Y- also, you feel love when someone gives to you something, appreciation for someone giving to you. But you, you bond, men bond with women by doing things for women out of caring for her. [00:19:35] John: That's a form of compassion. I wanna help her. I wanna make her happy. I wanna be there for her. So a- and that also raises his testosterone. So when, when a man experiences adrenaline, something happens in his brain and his mirror neurons turn off. He cannot feel his feelings. He cannot feel your feelings. [00:19:55] John: He is free of emotion. He becomes detached. He becomes Buddha-like. He becomes optimistic. This is like his wife starts to complain. Right away he'll feel positive. He'll go, "No, you don't need to complain. You, this is not the case. You shouldn't worry about that." [00:20:11] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:20:11] John: Or she says, "But I am gonna worry about that." [00:20:14] John: Mm. Now his confidence drops. And as confidence drops, he goes from adrenaline into cortisol. [00:20:19] Elena: Hmm. [00:20:20] John: But when a man's in adrenaline, actually his testosterone goes higher. See? And that's what allows him to be detached and free of fear, free of emotion and that's temporary. If he stays in adrenaline all day long, then it will go into cortisol and he will become very low testosterone when he gets home. [00:20:38] John: So anytime a man is faced with danger and he doesn't have confidence, he will experience, uh, low testosterone. And when he comes home, the way he regains his testosterone is to detach from anything- [00:20:51] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:20:51] John: that would produce estrogen, which is his wife, his kids. He needs time to be alone and to do something that he's successful at that doesn't cause stress. [00:21:01] Elena: You introduced the cavemen. Uh, th- um, I, and I love that actually. Uh, do you mind explaining a little bit more about that? [00:21:11] John: Men go to work and they solve problems, and they build up- Mm ... their testosterone doing that, but some problems can't be solved, and so if he's worrying about problems that can't be solved, there's nothing he can do about it, it lowers his testosterone. [00:21:24] John: Whenever a man feels, "I should do something, and I can't do something," his testosterone will go down. So what he has to do is his mindset is, "Well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm gonna temporarily forget it." [00:21:36] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:21:37] John: So a man's gonna come home. In order to forget his problems at work, he has to challenge himself with another problem that doesn't make estrogen but makes testosterone. [00:21:48] John: And that would be cave time. I could watch the news. That's one of my favorites. I could take a nap. I could meditate. I could go for a drive in my car, which is why sometimes a long commute is the cave time for a man. And I could listen to a podcast, uh, anything to f- help me forget my problems. [00:22:06] Elena: Regain cogni- cognitive, uh, energy. [00:22:09] John: Exactly. To help her. I saw... In my mind, you know, even when I'm watching the news, even though I'm passive, uh, uh, for a good 30 mi- maybe an hour as max, that passiveness i- is... I'm not really passive. I'm seeking to analyze. Yeah. Like right now there's a war going on. I will sit and watch. How can we get out of this? [00:22:28] John: How can we solve this problem? I'm trying to look in my mind for solutions. Yeah. Just as I do for my books, I find solutions between men and women. And also for men, if I'm angry with my wife, I n- rarely ever get angry with my wife now, so keep that in mind. I have wisdom. But what I didn't always as a young guy, I'd get really angry. [00:22:46] John: I'd be triggered. I'd be upset. How dare she disapprove of me after all I do? And I'd shut down. I'd go to my cave. And now this is fight or flight. This is just men pulling away. Now, men will pull away into their cave, and then in their cave, what can he do to m- m- to minimize the amount of time he needs to be in the cave? [00:23:07] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:23:07] John: So one thing is just go out and fix your car, go for a drive, lift some weights, watch the news. That can do it. But if you're really triggered, that means you're in cortisol. That's a lot of emotion inside of you. So what you wanna do at that time is analyze the emotion. Analyze. Analysis is also testosterone producing. [00:23:28] John: You know, before we had what we call counseling today where you look at your client's eyes and you ask them how they feel, that's all for women, not for men. Freud did analysis. In an analysis- That the man and usually it was men, would lie on a couch cave and the light would be down and there'd be no eye contact. [00:23:49] John: I would be behind the man taking notes on what he says, asking questions. And if you ask me, "Well, what do you think?" I'd say, "What do you think?" It's always what does the man think? It's analys- to analyze, not to feel. What a man needs to do is analyze what his feelings are. So first, if you're upset, you wanna analyze what just upset me. [00:24:11] John: So I'm talking to the men now, 'cause you get upset, you go to your cave, you're mad. How do you get, make, take that away? If you're not really upset, you can just use build your testosterone up. But if you are really upset, you're gonna be stuck in that cave for a long time until you analyze what just happened. [00:24:27] John: So this is the technique. You look at what just happened, and you're talking to yourself, you're analyzing, "Okay, what did she do wrong?" You give yourself complete permission to blame her. You're not gonna go tell her this. You're gonna let go of this later. But you first... 'Cause that's what the... When you're in fight or flight, you blame, okay? [00:24:44] John: You've gotta like the... What is the problem? The problem is her. What did she say? Then you actually have to write down, or at least think, what were the words that she said, and what other words did she say? What action did she take? 'Cause most of the time people just go, "Oh, she's awful. She's a..." She give a name for her. [00:25:03] John: She's being awful. She's terrible. That means nothing. What you have to do is, what just happened that upset me? And you analyze it. Okay, did she say this? Did she say this? And you spell it out. And usually it right away you don't even know. I'm just mad at her. She was not loving, okay? [00:25:18] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:25:18] John: Now, what did she say? What did she not say? [00:25:21] Elena: Yeah. [00:25:22] John: Then, then you focus on what she did wrong. Then you, then you focus on what she should have done. Yeah. Now you're in problem-solving mode, okay? [00:25:31] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:25:31] John: You're in problem. What she should have done is this. She should have done this. She should have said this. And then how would I have felt? [00:25:38] John: Well, then I would've felt better. And what, what should she... And why did she do it that way? Try to analyze, well, what's going on? What's the other reason other than me that's upsetting her? So my books all give expl- help men to figure women out, to really understand what's going on. 'Cause see, my wife can't be unhappy with me unless she's already stressed about something else. [00:25:57] Elena: Correct. [00:25:57] John: See, she can't. It's this, it's a build-up, and then it gets projected on me. It's that this is a natural thing that happens in relationships. So- What I analyze is what, what she did wrong, what she should have done, and then I'm now solving the problem, right? And she should do this, and she should do this. [00:26:15] John: In my mind, I'm solving this problem, and then my stress goes down because I'm solving a problem. I'm analyzing it. And then I, well, now that the stress has gone down, I ask myself, "And what could I have done to avoid that problem? How could I avoided that? What did I say? What did I do? What did I not do? [00:26:32] John: What did I not say?" That's, again, solving the problem, how I could have avoided that problem. And so now I'm in all this problem-solving mode, and then I feel good, and I re- okay, well, next time I know just what to do. And I do not need to go out and tell her what she did wrong. I made it a practice never to tell my partner what she did wrong. [00:26:50] John: 'Cause if I'm telling her what she did wrong, I'm on my female side complaining. And part of being a man is you don't complain. You don't complain. You suck it up, you be a man, you solve the problem. So if you're upset, you analyze what your feelings are. Now, if you're a more enlightened guy, and you're, just by nature you're more sensitive, which a lot of the guys listening to you probably are, they care more, they're the ones that get hurt more. [00:27:14] John: And so if ever you're feeling hurt, your feelings are hurt, you're triggered, and what you're feeling has, has... 10% has to do with what your partner said or did. 90% has to do with things in your past. See, what happens is when we're, particularly when we're little children, any time you're feeling hurt, actually you feel, "I feel so hurt," that is your subconscious mind when you're a child. [00:27:39] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:27:40] John: See, when you're feeling hurt- [00:27:42] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:27:42] John: only little children can be hurt. Grownups- Yeah ... cannot. Mm-hmm. If I'm hurt as a grownup, it's because my inner child, my childhood was triggered. [00:27:51] John: And so- [00:27:51] Elena: It's showing up. [00:27:52] John: And so to go to your partner and say, "You hurt me," is the worst thing you could ever do, 'cause all they did is triggered you. [00:27:59] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:27:59] John: You could say, "I feel so hurt because when you said that, it triggered my feelings from my childhood," and I went and looked at them and I realized this. That would be talking to your partner after you've let go of your hurt. But for a man to say, "You hurt me" to a woman, it will make her disgusted with... [00:28:15] John: I mean, she might feel sympathetic, but very quickly she'll feel disgusted. "I'm with a child." 'Cause any time you feel hurt, you're in your child self. And when women feel hurt- Men will get defensive if they feel blamed. The worst skill a woman need to learn, if you feel hurt, never say to him that he hurt you. [00:28:35] John: You can say, "I feel hurt because what you said, you know, brought up my feelings about when I was growing up and my brothers made fun of me," or, "My father was controlling of me," or, "I didn't feel safe." Always relate it to your past. He does not hurt you. All he can do is disappoint you, and because that you have deeper feelings that come up, it's your childhood that makes you feel hurt. [00:28:56] John: Well, unfortunately, we're all hypnotized into the cult of feelings, like you're supposed to blame your partner for all your feelings, when we're responsible for our feelings. [00:29:06] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:29:06] John: It's like if you squeeze the toothpaste, it comes out because it's your toothpaste. Yes, you got squeezed. It squeezes out. It's not him. [00:29:15] Elena: It's your own baggage. [00:29:17] John: That's your baggage. It's... And that's why we call it our stuff. You know, we all have our stuff, which means what we have stuffed from the day or from our past or from our childhood, and that, that stuff comes up. Now, what's paradoxical, and this is to help men not think women are completely unlovable, 'cause sometimes women think men just go, "Why is she getting so upset with me today? There's no rational reason for it." [00:29:41] John: Well, first of all, let's be clear that any time a person has negative emotions, they're not thinking clearly, okay? We can see they go to another part of the brain, a primitive part of the brain. They're not here in the prefrontal cortex. They're in the limbic system of the brain, which is our conditioned self. [00:29:57] John: So all negative emotions are always overreactions. But I would never say to my partner that she's overreacting. That would be kinda rude and be insensitive. I would be compassionate, understanding. And I can maintain that compassion 'cause I have confidence, again, my testosterone stays up, knowing that she is just overreacting. [00:30:18] John: I just need to give her a chance to talk for a little while. Her estrogen levels will start to rise, and she will calm down, and she will not be so upset, and she will start, start realizing she's overreacting and be much nicer. Another little technique for men, if you're arguing with a woman, men often wanna have the last word, and, and you wanna give her the last word. 'Cause you're saying sort of bad things to each other. Let her have the last word. Then when she walks out of the room, all she can think about is that thing she said and feel a little remorse, a little regret for saying that. If I have the last word, all she's gonna remember is, "Yeah, he said that to me. He said that to me." [00:30:55] John: So I always give her the last word. [00:30:56] Elena: That's a great one. [00:30:57] John: It's a, it's a very good one, and it's also the same thing happens when a woman is upset. If she's ever upset, you can't use logic. She's not in the logic part of her brain. The more you can just not talk, okay, but ask questions, and the more a woman can learn this, and I just wanna point out, you know, when... [00:31:14] John: I'm helping men here with this. [00:31:16] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:31:16] John: But I just want men to know that you need cooperation from a woman. [00:31:20] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:31:21] John: She needs to learn stuff, too. You cannot, you know, you cannot, you don't have the power to make a woman happy unless she already takes some responsibility for her own happiness. So you wanna give her this book. [00:31:31] John: Now, this book, it says, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, For Women Only," it- which means she reads it and he doesn't need to read it. So many times women read my books and they say, "Yes, but it won't work for me 'cause my husband won't read it." No, it works for everybody. It, he doesn't have to read it. [00:31:49] John: But clearly that book did not explain the solutions to modern-day woman's problems. [00:31:56] Elena: Exactly. [00:31:56] John: Modern-day woman's problems is she's making too much testosterone and not enough estrogen, and she's in a state of cortisol or a state of adrenaline. And how, how can she come back to her female side and make more estrogen? [00:32:11] John: So this book has four primary techniques for a woman to use a man to come back to her female side, and within those- Techniques. One of them is many, many techniques. It's the concept of stop giving to a man. Don't give to a man. Everybody says, "Oh, you know, it's best to give. To give is to love." No. When you're giving, you're on your male side. [00:32:38] John: And if you're anchored in your female side, if you're getting what you need, then you can give. But if you're not getting what you need, stop giving. And that's hard for women. That's hard for women because when they're not getting what they need, they, if they looked at their emotions, they'd be feeling shame. [00:32:55] John: You know, shame is really a weird emotion, but it... When you don't have... Let's say somebody has something and I don't, I feel ashamed because I don't have what they have. So whenever you're not getting from your partner, part of you will feel ashamed, but you don't wanna admit it to yourself. You don't wanna blame him, but a part of you is just, uh, feeling this shame. [00:33:16] John: It's also feeling afraid that, you know, maybe I'll never get it. Uh, maybe I did something wrong. Also, you're feeling hurt, you know, because, you know, you're feeling left out. You're feeling rejected. These are the emotions that go on in- inside of a woman all the time. And to avoid those emotions, what women do is they go to their male side. [00:33:37] John: They stay busy. They're always solving problems, solving problems, instead of asking him to help her. So I'm making this point to avoid feeling the pain of not receiving, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the fear, the shame. All these things come up inside of you, and they're all irrational, and they're painful. [00:33:59] John: So to avoid feeling the pain of your emotional side, you go to your male side. You go to your busy, busy, busy, are solving problems, making testosterone, and that suppresses your emotions. But once you relax, those emotions are gonna come up. They're not gonna go away, and they're gonna keep you from having orgasms. [00:34:19] John: They're gonna keep you from being happy. They're gonna keep you from falling in love. And the older you get, the more it accumulates, until finally there's no spark. You can't find the spark. The spark happens from feelings. So instead of thinking giving to a man, what you wanna think about is give a man the opportunities to give you more. [00:34:38] Elena: Excellent. [00:34:39] John: That you don't give more. Res- Give him opportunities to give you more. To receive. And if ever you're feeling resentful, which women eventually start to feel this resentment inside- [00:34:48] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:34:49] John: as soon as you feel resentment, it puts a man to sleep A man cannot feel the energy to give to you if you're resenting that he hasn't given enough. [00:34:57] Elena: It's important that we women work through our emotions. And you mentioned that instead of addressing that with the men, talk to our friends, you know, express that, release that, so we reduce the resentment. That way we are open, our availability to receive. [00:35:16] John: Oh, that's the way, that's the way it's often said. [00:35:18] John: And I just wanna add to that way of saying it. By talking to a friend and having them hear you, you're really never getting it out of you. There's nothing to get out of you. It's just you wanna be seen. [00:35:30] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:35:30] John: Your n- your authentic self needs to be heard. Men get close, and then they will naturally, the estrogen will go up as he gets close to you. [00:35:38] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:35:38] John: He will... That will knock his testosterone down. He will instinctively pull away- [00:35:43] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:35:43] John: just as, just as if he was in fight or flight, but he's not. Mm. He's just pulling away to rebuild his testosterone levels. [00:35:50] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:35:50] John: And he will ignore you. He will have no feeling. He, he will not be in touch with his feelings. [00:35:54] John: That's his cave time. [00:35:55] Elena: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [00:35:55] John: This is... Men Are from Mars popularized this whole idea of men go to their caves, men go to their caves. And it was so good because then men, women, women can go, "Oh, he's not mad at me. That's just what he needs to do." And what, what I... It's, that's in that book. And, and then in this book what you learn is how to get him out of the cave if he stays too long in the cave. [00:36:15] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:36:16] John: So that was one thing I didn't cover because some men- ... they enjoyed the cave so much. And the women, they don't understand how to get him out of the cave. The way you get him out of the cave, uh, simply put, but there's always a lot more to these things, but- [00:36:29] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:36:29] John: simply put is you would say, "Hey, honey, I see you're watching TV. Uh, when you get a chance, I need your help." And he's the man, he'll go, "What do you need? What do you need?" "Oh, when you have time, when you have time. It'll only take 10 minutes." "Okay, I'll do it now." He'll stop and do it now. Or if he forgets, he has to pee at some point, and then when he gets up to pee you say, "Oh, would this be a good time? [00:36:49] John: I just need your help. Maybe just 10 minutes." Always put a time limit on it, let him know what he can do. And so you have to start inventing things as a woman- [00:36:57] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:36:58] John: what are things for a man to do for me? And then- [00:37:01] Elena: To bring solutions to you. Mm-hmm ... [00:37:02] John: give solutions. And that makes him interested in you. That brings back the guy who's attracted to you. [00:37:06] John: It, it creates a situation for his testosterone to go up. All those times, women, when you're just thinking- I don't wanna bother him. I don't wanna bother him. Oh, he'll get annoyed. Oh, he'll grumble. Oh, he's busy doing that. Oh, he doesn't care about me. Oh, he's working." All that, all that is you're just training him to stay stuck in his cave. [00:37:25] John: You gotta learn how to get him out of the cave, and that's what you have to do. I'll give you one of the techniques, okay? [00:37:30] Elena: Go for it. [00:37:31] John: This is something a couple can do. All right? So this is for couples. It's building up the love bank. Okay, what you have to know is that when I have, when my bank is full of millions of dollars, I can lose money here, lose money here, I'm not thinking about it. [00:37:44] John: But when I'm just barely paying my bills, I'm always watching whether they get paid enough here and am I getting here. You know, we get all penny pinching when we're empty, and this is what happens in relationships when women's estrogen isn't high or a man's testosterone isn't healthy and high. So what, what happens here, how do you build up the love bank? [00:38:01] John: Well, in the beginning, I'm gonna, I'm gonna commit to my wife. Oh, that's just like, she feels so loved to that. She's the only woman for me, so that's a, a big deal. [00:38:09] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:38:09] John: I also, I'm working hard to support the family. She's working hard to support the family too maybe, but I'm also working hard. And so she go, "Good, I've got a good worker. [00:38:17] John: He's there. He's dedicated to me." So y- y- your bank is full, okay? But it empties very quickly because what happens is once a man does something for you and it becomes routine, it no longer stimulates dopamine. Mm. It's expected. I remember they did some research on couples, and they said, "Men, you should vacuum the floor. [00:38:37] John: It cr- makes romance." And 'cause there was these women, they were all saying, "Yes, when my husband vacuums the floor, it's so romantic." Only if he's not doing it all the time and it's not his job. As soon as it's his job, three weeks of vacuuming the floor, that becomes what he's supposed to do, and there's no excitement that she's gonna experience. [00:38:57] John: It's that little dopamine rush of, "Oh, I have what I need. Oh, I like this." The newness of it stimulates dopamine. And when dopamine gets produced, a woman's estrogen goes high and a man's testosterone goes high, and then there's a polarity which creates attraction and romance, and he's drawn to you. And then he's close to you for a while. [00:39:17] John: He'll pull away and he has to go to his cave. You could be on a, a great vacation with a guy- All this intimate time and sharing, and when he gets home you're thinking as a woman, "Oh, now we're gonna have all this good time. We've reached the new level in our marriage." [00:39:33] John: And he's like, " okay, now I've done my job. I can go back to work and do that job." You know? It's, it's like we have these different files in our brain, and one is you and romance. I did that one. Now I open the other one, and it's like you don't exist 'cause his rubber band, he pulled away. He has to pull away for a while, and then it will become taut. [00:39:51] John: It stretches, then he will miss you, and that's when his testosterone goes so high and his estrogen so low that he wants to balance it by getting inside of you, by going into you, and that's what sex is about. That's what connection is about. And, and why do men want sex so much? That's a whole topic is that, see, women primarily only feel, "I want sex. I wanna be penetrated," when your estrogen goes really high. [00:40:16] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:40:16] John: There's a place where a woman can feel powerless and, and in danger of a dysfunctional man, and she will also out of danger and feel like, "If I give him sex, then I'm safe." Then her estrogen would go up. And that, that by the way is the macho culture, as some men will, like, be dangerous and then a woman gets turned on. [00:40:35] John: That's dysfunctional. Okay? [00:40:37] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:40:37] John: That means a woman needs dan- real danger. And sometimes women are turned on to the dangerous guy, and she has this nice husband, and she's not turned on to him. It's because women do need a little danger, and then the man has to save her. So I have techniques for that, you know, so many techniques, but here's one 'cause our time's kinda close. [00:40:55] John: It's one of my favorite ones 'cause I learned it just- Put it in this new book. There's so many new things in this, but this is my favorite one. It's chapter 13, the, the five finger ask. And so at a random time, when it seems like your husband is busy doing something and doesn't want to be bothered, you walk in with a big smile on your face and you put five fingers up. [00:41:16] John: And that may... It's a game you play where it's a process, where when he sees five fingers, he knows she's gonna ask me to do something that she could do for herself. That makes it dangerous. No woman is ever gonna ask a man to do something she could easily do for herself. So let's say you want to make yourself a cup of tea, maybe you want to cut an a- peel an apple, have some chopped apple for a little snack. [00:41:36] John: You'd do that for yourself. You wouldn't just ask him to do it and make him like a servant kind of a thing. So you wouldn't do that. So that's dangerous. And he might say, "Well, you could do that. Why are you asking me?" So the five finger ask, you raise your hand. He immediately jumps to attention like he's a fireman and the fire bell has rung. [00:41:52] John: He's ready to go into action. Uh, it, you're number one in that moment, 'cause he's only has to do something that will take less than five minutes. So in this book, I give you 50 things you can ask for, and then you can learn the art of asking for little things. Recently, the most recent one my wife did was I was already in bed ready... [00:42:09] John: I was actually meditating before falling asleep, and and she came in, she says, "John." She, I opened my eyes, she had her hand up with a big smile on her face. She says, "I left my phone in the, in the, in the kitchen. Would you get it for me?" So I have to get out of bed, run to the kitchen, get it, bring it back, and I'm happy to do it because I know as a man, this is something that will keep her estrogen up and cause her to be happy. [00:42:33] John: It also is great foreplay for sex. I mean, this is like helping women get in touch with their female side is To become always available for a woman. There's never a time where you're not available, and you can pick a time where she starts to feel he's unavailable. That's when she goes and puts her hands up. [00:42:49] John: That's when he does this. And n- if you approach, if you explain this to a man, he will do it. Because what does a man want more than anything? He wants a woman to be happy. [00:42:59] Elena: Yes. [00:42:59] John: By understanding women's brains, this is why I have w- women would read this book and share this with their husband and explain, "M- reason I'm so stressed all the time and I'm so overreacting, I don't wanna be that way, is my brain is different from yours. [00:43:14] John: And that when I'm doing, you know, when I'm feeling stressed during the day, I can't turn my brain off." [00:43:18] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:43:18] John: And here's scientific research showing that women ruminate. That means they go over a problem again and again and again, and, and men don't. M- if he's on his male side, he goes to his cave, he forgets things. [00:43:29] John: Well, w- women remember things, and when they remember, they need to talk about it or they just need to ask for help. That will also raise her estrogen if it's a little dangerous. So what's the most dangerous request? It's not a request that he should do. Like, "Hey, you should, hey, empty the trash." Well, that's his job, so that doesn't really do much. [00:43:49] John: It's not that dangerous 'cause he's supposed to do that. [00:43:52] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:43:52] John: Here you're playing this game. You, you basically, you come up with a new thing every, every few weeks. You, you can't do the same thing over and over. You can repeat it every couple of weeks. It'd be like, "Oh, I'm feeling so tired." Would you give me a foot massage? [00:44:06] John: Run to the bedroom and get the oil, and he'll come give you a five-minute foot massage. There's also the 10-minute ask. There's a lot of different hand signals I do. There's one for we need to talk. Uh, see, if you say to a man, you, "We need to talk," already his adrenaline is being produced, his mirror neurons shut down, and he's just gonna be in solve-it mode. [00:44:24] John: He can't really just hear you. So you put your hands up. This is we need to talk. I just need to talk. You don't have to say anything. So th- this is such powerful tools. Holding the handle in the car. Uh, and if you don't have a handle, pretend you have a handle, and he'll immediately slow down. Eh, it's, it's, it's so great for a woman to feel, "I can get an immediate response from him that says, 'I hear you, and I'm here for you.'" [00:44:46] John: This action produces estradiol in her body even after she's experienced menopause. See, women dry up at menopause because they stop making estradiol. They make a different es- estrogen called estrone. That estrone says, "I don't need a man. I can do it myself." Anytime you're a woman, and you're feeling, "I don't need a man, I can do it myself," you're gonna be stressed, period. [00:45:09] John: That makes stress inside a woman, and it often makes you infertile as a woman. This is what's happening to so many women today, being like men. They're making estrone and not estradiol. Mm-hmm. So estrone is what every woman will make after 50 no matter what. And they think that I can't keep making estradiol, but all the techniques in this book will continue producing estradiol, and it builds your love back up. [00:45:32] John: These little things again, and again, and again become... It builds up because I could be the best provider, make all the money in the world, and that becomes habituated, and the sex drive goes away. The attraction goes away. So women have to be able to be vulnerable in these different ways that I explain. [00:45:50] Elena: Yeah. [00:45:50] John: And, and, you know, and, and th- these are the practical tools that you can do, and men can cooperate those things, but women have to read the book. So men, what you wanna do, since we're talking a lot to men, is give her this book and say, "Let's read this together 'cause I wanna- Together ... cooperate with these ideas and help you and support you." [00:46:10] Elena: I think that would be a great idea for d- uh, women to feel care, seen, and, um, increase those, uh, hormones- Estrogen ... that we need. [00:46:20] John: Here, let's expand those words. Uh, words are important. For a, for a woman to feel like she, he cares, that she's a priority. [00:46:27] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:46:28] John: That she's important. She needs to experience that, not just know it, but suddenly he stops and does it. He cares. So many men, their wives ask them to do stuff and then forget to do it, and it just builds up, and it builds up. And it, it, it works as well for me. I mean, if it's a big job- [00:46:44] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:46:44] John: i'm doing a big job over here, I can't do a big job over there. So my technique is, is put it on the list, and when the list gets to eight, I'll stop everything and I will do the whole list. [00:46:55] Elena: I know how it's done. [00:46:57] John: So, but, but, but I don't even have to do that anymore because I s- my love bank is so high because I'm doing these little things all the time- [00:47:04] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:47:04] John: which score just as big as big things. So that's the idea of Men Are from Mars, was I point out that in, as far as estrogen goes, every act of love, big or small, has the same effect. So four hugs a day? [00:47:17] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:47:17] John: That's four points. I go to work, make money? That's one point. [00:47:21] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:47:21] John: I give her a hug? That's one point. I find, when she's going to bed, "Honey, let me give you a hug," run, get a double point. I notice she's going to bed. I ran and gave her a hug. See, this is what women need, is that same attentiveness and energy that a man had in the beginning. [00:47:35] John: Yeah. And that's always 'cause his testosterone is higher. It's very natural. But we have to do something to keep it going up. For most men, that testosterone goes down. These little things where a man feels successful for a woman in raising her estrogen will raise his testosterone, and becomes a win-win. [00:47:53] John: So sometimes women say, "Why should I have to do that?" Because you don't understand, he's a man. You know? Right. You don't want a man who will work for nothing. Okay? You want a man who needs a reward. You know, he goes to work, he gets... You don't want him going to a job that doesn't pay. You want him to go to a job that pays. [00:48:08] John: Well, that same man, he's motivated when doing things for you pays. And what is that payment? It's that you feel happy, that you feel vulnerable, and that you ask for it. You know, every job has a job res- description. There's an ask. I have to get up and do this. I have to say these things. It doesn't succeed. [00:48:26] John: So a man can't feel success unless you ask. Here's one other point before we end. But a woman- Why, why doesn't he automatically do these things? Because we as men instinctively don't want you to do stuff for us. If I want you to give to me, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, don't give to me. Don't be... I want less. [00:48:47] John: Don't, don't be in my space so much. Leave me alone. Don't give me advice. You know, don't instruct me to do stuff for me. You know, I don't want you to do that. So if I want your help, I'll ask for it. So because men, that's our mentality, we assume you don't want our help either unless you're asking. It's as simple as that. [00:49:07] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:49:07] John: That's why women, you have to ask, is that we just, we don't have the motivation. But it's also, in every situation, you can measure- When a man feels a woman... When he feels needed, and the only ways I know I'm needed is if you ask and let me know. And women have to overcome this one major hurdle, which is they're always testing and they go, "If he loves me, I shouldn't have to ask." [00:49:31] John: And the answer to that is if he loves you and you ask, he'll say yes. That's the test, that's the test. Women are always testing. [00:49:38] Elena: Just changing, changing a little bit the way we think. Instead of just expecting him that he, uh, just, uh, know what to do, just what about asking and giving him, giving him the space to actually say no, which he won't probably, because- That's right all men want is please me. And [00:49:56] John: you really hit it on the nail. Give him the space to say no and he won't want to say no. [00:50:00] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:50:01] John: But give him the space as opposed to, "Well, I do this and this and this. You should at least do that." Or, "I'm suffering so much, you should do that," or, "I feel so hurt. Why aren't you doing this?" When you say, "I feel hurt," to a man, you'll shut him down. [00:50:16] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:50:16] John: And counselors in, in, in psychology classes, they all teach the first thing in communication 101 is when you do A, B, C, I feel hurt. What I want is this. Instead, just say, "When you do this, what I want really is this." [00:50:31] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:50:31] John: Or, "Next time, would you do this?" [00:50:33] John: When you forget to call me, I'm sure that you're busy doing something. Give him an excuse in advance and then say, "I start to worry that you're..." Something sweet, like, "I, I'm worried that you're, you're dying or you've been hurt and you can't reach me, and I worry about that." You're not blaming him, you're just telling him what's going on. [00:50:50] Elena: That's much sweeter. [00:50:50] John: And you say, "What I'd like you to do is remember to call me." And then when he does call you, then say, "Thanks so much for ca- calling. It just makes me feel so good to know where you are." It's like these are the... Learning these communication skills can make a world of difference. [00:51:05] Elena: What I learned today, and I didn't see it before, there is an expectation from women. [00:51:10] Elena: Women tend to be more emotional about it and, and that creates fiction. And men, all they want is to know. They will do it because to certain degree, they just want a woman to be happy because they know as a reward they're gonna be happy. They just don't know how to activate- [00:51:27] John: Right ... [00:51:27] Elena: that or know, or know exactly what she wants if she's not... like some men said, they're not a mind reader. They have to guess. That's it. [00:51:35] John: We're not a mind reader and, and we don't wanna be blamed for not knowing what you want, and we don't wanna be blamed for forgetting to know what you want. Which is gonna happen. Because it's not in our biology, we don't have that big need. [00:51:46] John: And, and so, and so giving men messages. You know, even when I used to go to my cave, I used to feel a little guilty because she would be hurt, you know, she wanted to stay connected, and I'd feel guilty. And one day Bonnie said to me when I came out of the cave and, and, and... See, for me, everything's fine. I've forgotten the problem. [00:52:03] John: Everything's good and, and she said, "John, just want you to know-" Thank you for, thank you for going to your cave. Thank you for going to your cave and protecting me from your dragon. [00:52:14] John: And she, she was referring to a idea in my book, Men Are from Mars, where I got the whole idea of the cave, although I was already knew the idea. [00:52:25] John: But then a woman in my class, she was an American Indian, and she said, "That's exactly what a, a bride is taught by her mother when she gets married in our tribe." The mother comes to the daughter and says, "Now, now that you're married, there'll be times when he goes to his cave. Never go into the cave or you will be burned by the dragon." [00:52:47] John: And basically, what they're saying is what I'm saying today, and give you the biology. When a man withdraws, don't ask him what he's feeling. Just assume he's having his therapy session with himself. When he comes out of the cave, everything is fine. Because women think, "Well, if he didn't talk about it, he must still be upset. He must still be holding onto it. He must be resenting me." No, if he comes out of the cave and you're happy with him out of the cave and you're not mad at him for going to the cave, he's a happy cancer, happy camper. And but women are different. They have to process these things. They have to talk to somebody. Sometimes they have to talk to him. But if you're gonna complain to a man, make sure you've talked a lot about your feelings, either in journaling or with somebody else- [00:53:26] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:53:26] John: so your, your estrogen is higher and your stress is lower. Then, then when you talk about what you want, it doesn't come across as a demand that you have to change and you're bad, as opposed to, "This will make me happier. This is what I really like." And that's, that makes us friends as well as lovers. [00:53:43] Elena: I'm definitely taking mental notes here and I'm definitely gonna share with a lot of women who ask me questions and, uh, and, uh, all those men who, um, want to know. Unfortunately, I know that our time is almost there. I have so many questions for you, Do- uh, Dr. Gray, but I hope that you accept another invitation to be here again and ask you. I want to, I wanted you to talk about the, uh, Mars talk, the Venus talk, and me time versus us time, and, um, many things about the current, uh, you know, of, of female empowerment. I have so many questions, but hopefully- [00:54:24] John: Well, let me, let me just let you know, that's why I wrote this book. [00:54:26] John: Women have all the questions, which is good. They're the ones really, they, they, they have the drive for it. Men are always trying to figure out how to make more money to a certain extent, but we also have questions about women. [00:54:36] Elena: Yeah. [00:54:36] John: But- [00:54:37] Elena: They do. They do. They ask me a lot of questions. [00:54:39] John: Right. I get it. I get it. [00:54:40] John: You know, it's also, I think it's Lauren's blogs at my website, marsvenus.com, is actually m- more popular with the guys than mine because they wanna know the way women think, how women feel. So they could also read this book or they can read it with their partner. That's always so helpful And I, I guess we have to, I'll just mention it very briefly. [00:55:00] John: This book is a first in a series of six books for women only. This one is Be Happy With or Without a Man, so learning how when your partner can't give you what you need at that time, how to come back to your estrogen so he can take you higher rather than always being responsible for your happiness. [00:55:16] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:55:16] John: The second book is Why Men Fall in Love and Stay in Love. The third one is How to Talk so a Man Will Listen. The fourth one is What to Do or Not Do When Men Pull Away or Ghost. And the fifth one is for women over 40, and the sixth one is for strong, independent women. So I really get a chance to answer all these questions, 'cause women have so many questions. [00:55:39] Elena: We do. I'm sorry. Yes. [00:55:40] John: No, no, I'm so glad. It just keeps my books coming out, you know? Wisdom. Yes. W- women are the embodiments of wisdom. Men are the embodiments of compassion. And this is the opposite of what most people think, but when you go to Tibet with these ancient traditions, the woman is the representative s- of wisdom. [00:55:57] John: In the Western, it's Sophia is the goddess of wisdom. Women have the wisdom. Men have the compassion. And it's when men can find that compassion by understanding why women need our help, how we can help them, we act out of compassion. And for women, it's the wisdom. Here's female wisdom, and this is true female empowerment. [00:56:15] John: How to get other people to do things for you so you don't have to do everything. That's female wisdom. I don't have to do it all. I'm a woman. If I- my female power, I can get other people to do things for me so I don't have to do it all. And I em- I empower men by creating opportunities for them to help me, as opposed to trying to help men. [00:56:39] John: We don't need your help. Bring me the opportunities to be successful. [00:56:42] Elena: I love what you said. Uh, one time I practiced that, and I was at the airport, and I have a bottle of water, and I thought, "I'm gonna find a man, a single man so I don't get in trouble, and I'm gonna ask him to open this bottle of water for me." [00:56:56] Elena: And I stop a gentleman, and I ask him if he would open that bottle of water, and he said, "Yes, of course." And then he looked at me, and I w- I w- I believe he looked at me in a way that he felt like he did something, you know? And we never said anything. It was just the way he looked at me. [00:57:14] John: Of course. [00:57:15] Elena: Like, being grateful for me asking him that. [00:57:18] John: Yes, yes. And we, we are so waiting for it, for being asked without being blamed, okay? So there's a whole thing where women ask their husbands to do stuff, but they're blaming in the tone of their voice. "Oh, you didn't do it before. You should do..." You know? It's just having to be- And- You know, when you're in an airplane, and you have your luggage, don't put your luggage up, you know? [00:57:34] John: Yeah. If, if there's a man standing by, "Would you help me?" He'll just jump. He'll just jump and say- [00:57:39] Elena: And, uh, our, our, our, our estrogen- [00:57:41] John: Yeah ... [00:57:42] Elena: automatically goes up. It's so simple. So many simple things that we can do, but thank you. Thank you for that. Thank you for answering this question. Like I said, I have, uh, a lot, some of my own, but, uh, hopefully, you know, I get- [00:57:56] John: We'll do it again. We'll do it again. And, and what we can do is preface it. If you wanna watch our then do it again, hear the first em- em- introductory talk. 'Cause my ans- if I give a short answer, I'll sound sexist if I don't first explain how men and women- [00:58:09] Elena: I love- ... [00:58:10] John: are different. So- [00:58:10] Elena: No, I think, I think you're great at explaining everything, and, uh, you are very fair, and I, you know, into explaining to males and explaining to female the f- the male and the f- and the female because o- otherwise it will s- yeah, it will sounds like you are o- and one-sided and also will give one without answers, right? [00:58:30] Elena: And you are pretty, pretty explicit on, you know, okay, so I know what to do, and I know what to expect. And also, they both can communicate it. "Look, I, I heard this. How about if we practice even just that simple thing?" So I love, I love the way you did it, for sure. And I, I'm grateful that you were here. Thank you. [00:58:49] John: Thank you. You, um Uh, elena, it's a pleasure, and we'll do another one, and you have your list of questions, and I'll try to give short answers then without having to do- [00:58:57] Elena: Yeah. Well, or more... Oh, y- I have, I have a rapid-fire questions. [00:59:00] John: We can do rapid fire if you want. [00:59:02] Elena: Okay, let's do it. Time. [00:59:04] John: Abundance. [00:59:05] Elena: Fear. [00:59:06] John: Let it go. [00:59:07] Elena: Knowledge. [00:59:09] John: The purpose of life. [00:59:10] Elena: Fulfillment [00:59:11] John: Marriage [00:59:12] Elena: Pornography [00:59:13] John: Draining [00:59:14] Elena: Spirituality [00:59:15] John: My practice every day [00:59:17] Elena: God [00:59:17] John: The ultimate helper [00:59:19] Elena: Service [00:59:21] John: Testosterone producing [00:59:23] Elena: Mm, music [00:59:25] John: Heavenly [00:59:25] Elena: What's your love language? [00:59:27] John: Helping. And what I've learned from the statistics is almost every man prioritizes affection, parentheses, sex, and all five of the ones, a woman wants them all and needs them all. [00:59:38] John: In my experience, what she thinks is the most important is not. It's like if she needs words of affirmation, she needs more time and affection. Whatever she thinks it is, if she's stressed in her life, it's some of the others. And ultimately, all five of those is what a woman needs. There's not one. [00:59:53] Elena: I agree with you a thousand percent, and this is why I put it here, because, uh, y- I was having this conversation about, uh, the number one that I notice in men is, uh, affection or fe- of, of, of physical touch. [01:00:06] Elena: And, uh, somebody says, "No, everybody's different." Yeah, but we women, I, I have hard time deciding on one because I like them all depending on- [01:00:14] John: No, you need them all. They're all very important. And usually... See, the way we are as human beings is we, we say that which is safe, which is not as important. Really- [01:00:23] Elena: Correct [01:00:23] John: the things that are most close to us are the things- [01:00:25] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [01:00:25] John: that are most important. We don't reveal those. And sometimes we don't even know those. There's a formula in psychology which is that if you, if something's important to you and you don't get it, you go into denial and you say, "Well, that's not important." [01:00:37] John: All five of those plus 10 more. Remember I started out men want less, women want more. Women have a long list of things- ... they, they not only want, but they need, and that's i- important. Whereas for men, the most important thing is physical, is sex. Now why is that? [01:00:52] Elena: Thank you. [01:00:53] John: Because- [01:00:53] Elena: I thank you. [01:00:54] John: Uh, because- [01:00:55] Elena: I agree with that [01:00:56] John: and, and men who don't say that, it's because they're afraid of someone looking down at them, and they're looking like- [01:01:00] Elena: Yeah ... [01:01:00] John: important and whatever. But sex, the reason sex is so important to men, and physical touch as well that leads to that, is that that's how men can feel. Men do not have all the estrogen allows women to feel all... [01:01:13] John: Women can feel all the time. Men cannot. [01:01:15] Elena: Yeah. [01:01:15] John: They- [01:01:16] Elena: Yeah ... [01:01:16] John: they need the female touch, and they need the female opening. It's a woman's love when she's turned on to a man that allows his mirror cells to open up more than any other time in his life. For us- [01:01:27] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [01:01:27] John: to feel in love, it needs to be when we're turned on and aroused. [01:01:31] John: Sex does it. And if you look at actually the hormonal biology of a man when he's aroused to his wife, his testosterone's going high and his estrogen's going high. This is the balancing of the male and the female inside of us. [01:01:44] Elena: Mm-hmm. [01:01:44] John: And weak men are men that don't have regular sex, lovemaking. What happens is they wanna go to their female side, so the way they go to their female side, that's called depending on something to make me happy. [01:01:56] Elena: Mm-hmm. [01:01:56] John: They depend on alcohol to make them happy. They depend- [01:01:58] Elena: Correct ... [01:01:59] John: overeating to make them happy. They- [01:02:00] Elena: Correct ... [01:02:01] John: become negative, arguing and fighting, or they depend on porn. All those things, that dependence weakens them, and now they're addicted to it. So, you know, the key for men is to overcome addiction, to feel that, that my, my happiness primarily comes from the outcome of my being of helping others, doing something, being successful in some way, finding a way to help. [01:02:22] John: Then I feel all good on my own. Now I go to help my wife and can go to a higher level. [01:02:28] Elena: Yeah. [01:02:28] John: And if she can't, she can go on a higher level with me on that day, no problem, because I still feel good because I'm not depending on her for that, but I depend on her for more. [01:02:37] Elena: For those women who are listening, touch your men. [01:02:40] Elena: Love your men. Understand. Don't question it. Ask them what you want. And men, whatever you learn here, guide your women. Buy those books. Read them together. And know that her well-being is your well-being, and there's more sex for you. [01:02:59] John: That's right. And- That's exactly right. [01:03:01] Elena: And I think, and we all win. And yes, a lot of men stop being touched at the age of five, six years old, so they, they crave the... the body is meant to be touched and feel pleasure by that, men and women. So- [01:03:15] John: You know, it's so nice if you look at when you go out with my wife, she'll snuggle up against me. Not the whole time. It just feels so good. [01:03:22] Elena: Mm-hmm. [01:03:22] John: And it's different from my... I can't sort of snuggle up against her. She snuggles up against me, and she wants to. [01:03:27] John: She wants to come to me, connect with me. This is some of the gifts that women give to men. So many. So many. A lot of- It's the love. It's the felt love. [01:03:36] Elena: It is. It is. Well, thank you again. I didn't finish all the questions, but we'll, we'll have another one. Okay. And, and I'll, I'll save it for that. [01:03:43] John: All right. [01:03:44] Elena: All right. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for being, and for being so generous with your answers, and hopefully we'll see you again soon. [01:03:51] John: Good. [01:03:51] Elena: Doctor, and, and, and thank you, and please continue with your purpose and your mission of bringing this, uh, continue to write this bible to, uh, communication and, and love creation and between couples, and we- we're here to continue reading your view. [01:04:09] Elena: Thank you. [01:04:10] John: Thank you. Have a lovely day. [01:04:12] Elena: So can you close with one little piece that brings a lot of wisdom to the listeners, please? [01:04:18] John: At every moment, on every day, remember that you're in this world for a reason. You are needed and you're loved, and when you feel you're not being loved, you're looking in the wrong direction, 'cause love is always available. [01:04:32] Elena: Oh, I almost have a tear there. Thank you, and thank you for listening, and let's connect soon again. [01:04:38] Voiceover: And that's a wrap on today's conversation. These are the kinds of exchanges that don't happen by accident. They happen because Elena Sofia Ruiz creates the space for them. If something landed for you today, don't keep it to yourself. [01:04:52] Voiceover: Share this episode with someone who's ready for a real conversation. You'll find everything you need in the show notes. We'll see you next time on Intimate Conversations With Men.