Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Funny Old Bag | Susan Rice | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Funny Old Bag | Susan Rice | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi! Wow! Wow, I know you're going.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Is this don't tell A-A-R-P?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: God, it's nice to be here.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's nice that I got up those fucking steps.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Honest to God.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna fluff my hair so my ass looks smaller.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I uh it's that was I'm telling I got I got bad bad knees uh speed dating accident.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I was I wasn't I wasn't fast enough.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Guy next to me died.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: He never got off the fucking chair.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's done.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I I was I've been nervous.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was I didn't you guys are okay though, you're alright.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking at me going, didn't I have you for the third grade?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, a couple times.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Nice to see you.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was nervous to get I didn't know what to wear.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I I I'm afraid to get to go to a show.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have to start getting ready for a show now for like three and a half hours before, because honest to God, I got older and after COVID I took my mask off and I could have been an Amish man.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I had I had more hair.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Honest to God.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I would have I put I put yours to shame, pal.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, it was long.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was long.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: God, and it it made me question my pronouns, you know.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's and I don't I couldn't pluck it.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: It wouldn't just come out.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're so you're like 12 years old, it comes right out.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: You get to be my age.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've I don't have tweezers, I have pliers now.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: No, it hurt, it hurts so bad.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Ow! Ow, ow ow, ow! And and then I realized every time I pulled really hard, my left breast would go up two and a half inches.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I have just stopped plucking, I'm just tying tying them off.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Bring the girls back up to where they belong.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I lost my upper lip.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know where the fuck that went.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I all I have is a canal system now, it goes right to my nostrils.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's so deep too.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, there's a salmon run.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I know, I I I bitch and moan.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't mind getting older.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I I mind I mind people being uh mean about me having some kind of you know knowledge.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, you little shits, I've done stuff, you know?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I had my my car.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I drive a 2004 Pontiac vibe.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're jealous.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: But it's got 400,000 miles on her.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, she she goes.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I I I had a little trouble with her.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I uh I had to call the triple A guy.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: The starter went out.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I called a triple A guy.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Triple A guy comes, pulls up, he gets out of the car, he's about his truck, he's about 6'4, he weighs about 120.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I know if shit goes down, I can take him.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And he, you know, he says, What seems to be the problem?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said it's the starter.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Okay, I'll get the jumper cables.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's the starter.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Yeah, I'm gonna jump you.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thanks for the offer.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not paying off one more student loan.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then he expects me to get in the truck by myself, and the the first step is right at my hoo-hoo.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's right at the hoo-hoo.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I, hey, I I'm struggling.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Can I help you?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Do you need assistance?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I need the fire department.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And he and and you he goes, May I had permission to put my hands on your ass?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I said, You can put it on it, you can put it in it, you can you can wear it like a hat.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going with my car.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I have all the old lady things that people think I do like it.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've I I I adopted a cat recently.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have just one cat.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: One cat.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I never adopted- have you adopted an animal before?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody thanks for playing.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so I mean, see, I never adopted an animal before.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Did you adopt a baby animal?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Play with me, goddammit.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm getting older as I'm standing here.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Did you name it?
• 5:56
  unknown: Yeah.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: See, I thought I got a little baby kitten.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't a kitten kitten, but maybe less than a year old.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: The bitch is nine.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: She's nine.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And they already named her, and I I I can't rename her.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: She's nine.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I hate her, I hate her name.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hate her name.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: They named her uh Cake.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Cake the Cake the Cat.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know, it's very Dr.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Seussish, but you guys, I cannot be that old lady standing on the porch at eleven o'clock at night going Cake.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: My neighbors going, the bitches on keto, give her a card.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: They try to keep me young though, they really do.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: They try to keep me relevant.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like for Christmas this year, they gave me a gift card, a hundred dollar gift card for a tattoo.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, shut the fuck up.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I hate that.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I'm gonna do.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: You've got all these beautiful tattoos.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Did you design those, sir?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: The artist did it.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: The artist did it.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they see, I don't want$100 that I can get a big tattoo.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, so you're cheap bitches, is what you're saying, too.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they they keep asking, what are you gonna have to do?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't know.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want pictures.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: This skin's not coming back.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So no, I mean, there's not a spank in the world that's gonna hold this crap up.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I told them I'm gonna get a tramp tramp stamp, tramp stamp.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: See, that's a great idea for an old person.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: You put all your vital statistics back here.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Your your blood type case of emergency phone number, so is the security.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can put your allergies down your butt cheeks.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's a real good chance that when I wander away from the home, I'm gonna be naked.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: My niece wants me to tattoo a poem on my I don't want words on my body.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because they don't understand.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Someday somebody's gonna be putting me on a bedpan, and I don't want that conversation to start with, hey, what's your tattoo say?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: It says faster.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and uh the older I get, I'm reminded that my mom that we we all try not to be like our moms, but it's just it's inevitable, you girls.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ladies, it's just inevitable.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: My mom loved to go to the doctor.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, I love going to the doctor.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love going to the doctor.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was out without insurance for many, many years and an independent contractor.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: 65, I'm in that damn office every damn week.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in there.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be probed.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I hate it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And and I hate go now, but you know, they play with you in the doctor's office.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: They will take you to they take me to the furthest exam room now, and they just give me a people magazine and think I'm just gonna sit in there and read this magazine.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know who the hell Carrie Stiles is, I could give a shit.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sitting in there, they think I'm just gonna be quiet, nice little old lady.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I go through the drawers.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I got six rolls of that silk tape.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: That shit's expensive.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I got tongue depressors from my tomato plants.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I got that.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I got those big long q-tippy things that when they pull those out, you go, what are you gonna do with that?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I spray painted those for Christmas.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, here's the deal though.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, I have three gowns.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I I stole three gowns.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I wore one of them right out the office.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't say shit.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're my Saturday morning outfits.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I love them.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I just get up in the Saturday morning and I and I I get my cup of coffee, put my gown on, and I just wait for the doorbell.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, hello.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear about Jesus.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: You come on.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much for having me jump out.