Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #521 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#521 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, as a parent, it's great to try to be
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: soft and gentle and compassionate and give the kids as
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: much autonomy as you can. But sometimes they've just got
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: to do the right thing. Sometimes they've got to do
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: the thing that the family requires them to do.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Gooday. This is doctor Justin Coilson, the founder of Happy
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot a you, and the parenting expert
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: on Channel Mind's Parental Guidance Season two coming soon. Here
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: with Kylie, my wife under our six Kids parenting podcast partner.
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: You've got a bit of a bounce in your voice today,
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: a bit of a pep.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm home and I'm really happy about it. So
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: this week I've had pretty much the whole week in
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: New South Wales. Been in Sydney. On Monday night I
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: was with the Paramatta Diocese, the Catholic Schools Diocese of
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Paramatta talking about teenage girls. Tuesday night I was at
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: MLC and Burwood. I spent week Wednesday night at Ravenswood,
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: very very nice school on the North Shore of Sydney
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: also been having meetings lots of meetings with Channel nine
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: about the upcoming season of Parental Guidance. I just feel
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: good and now I'm home, I get to be with
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: my family, and why wouldn't I be smiling? I'm with you,
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: So should we dive into it? It's going to be
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: a really interesting one trying to do I'll do better
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: tomorrow when I haven't been here all week. This is
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: one of the challenges of being a traveling dad is
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: it's really hard to reflect on your parenting this week
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: and how can I do better tomorrow? Well, I could
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: have made a longer FaceTime call. I should have called
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: while you're all in the car, but it's a little
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: bit challenging to do this. Nevertheless, a couple of things
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: have happened that have given me pause and I think
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: are worth sharing in our Friday episode today. But I'm curious,
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: missus Happy family, should you share yours first? Or should
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: I share mine? I'll go okay, ladies, poor gentlemen, or whatever,
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: let's go.
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: So a few weeks ago, we actually talked on the
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: podcast about just recalibrating, getting your routines and structures back
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: in place, and it was really good reminder as we
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: moved into our new home and obviously kind of start
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: to settle down.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, it's been really.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: Unsettling the last three or four months while we've gone
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: through this.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Process, even the last couple of weeks because we've moved in,
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: but I've been gone for a week, We've only been
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: in for two weeks. Like it's been up and down.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: It's tricky.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: But last weekend we sat down with the kids and
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: we kind of we did our usual family meeting, which
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: we haven't been doing.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: For four or five months. We haven't had a what
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: went well, what didn't? What are we going to work on? Meeting?
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  Speaker 3: Three same questions that we talk about every time. And
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: it was interesting because the kids said, well.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: There's not much talk about.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: I said, that's when we know that there's actually no
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: way lots to talk about. And so we sat down
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: and we talked about some things, and I kind of
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: just started and just said, what do you love about
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: our new house because we've downsized big time.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're in a house that's less than half the
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: size of the home we used to live in.
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  Speaker 3: And you know what, one of them actually said, They
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: said that they loved that it was only a few
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: steps from their bedroom to the lound room to the kitchen.
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: Didn't feel like they had to walk to a whole
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: new house to get to the next place, which was very,
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: very cute. But they're enjoying roller skating down the.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: Hallway, grubby hands all over the walls and the doors.
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  Speaker 3: They're enjoying the bath they workout every night.
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  Speaker 2: I still haven't complained about that, you haven't.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: I did make a comment about the grubby hands prints
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: all over my things, but I wasn't upset about it,
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  Speaker 3: just acknowledging.
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  Speaker 2: You know what else is really interesting about this conversation
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  Speaker 2: is that they were we've put four children in one room, folks,
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  Speaker 2: four kids in the rumper's room because the house is
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  Speaker 2: too small. We don't have enough bedrooms. And so rather
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: than try to squeeze extra kids into tiny bedrooms where
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: where they won't fit, because the bedrooms really are just
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: single kid bedrooms. Even with bunks in here, it'd be
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  Speaker 2: so tight, they're actually I mean, it's not without its challenges,
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: but they're actually getting along really well for the most part,
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  Speaker 2: ninety five percent of the time.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I don't think the challenges that we're experiencing are
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: any worse than they were when we had them in
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: single bedrooms.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, but they're not isolated anymore. Like they don't. So
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: I'm going to my bedroom and then they're in their
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: room on their own. They go to their bedroom and
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: there's three hour olds there. It's like good. Well, and
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: I said to you.
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  Speaker 3: That it wouldn't he I don't think it would have
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: even mattered if that was just the designated rumpist room.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: They wouldn't have congregated there because they had their own
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: space to go to.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: But because the.
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  Speaker 3: Rumpust room is slashed their bedroom.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so there's a lound suite in the corner, Like
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: there's a five set of lound suite six seed or
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: whatever it is.
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  Speaker 3: They're in a double garage that's the size of the
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  Speaker 3: rumpist room, that's right. So you've got two sets of
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: bunks in there, and then they've got all of this space.
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  Speaker 2: Yea big, big coffee table, big lund suite. It's it's
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: like the kids retreat and the beds happened to be
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  Speaker 2: in the corner.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I turned to you the other night and
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  Speaker 3: I just went, this is just awesome. They were down
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  Speaker 3: the other end of the house playing card games together.
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  Speaker 2: Laughing and singing, listening to their music. I should have
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: stopped there, Yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Because because about five minutes later they weren't. But there's
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: lots of good things anyway, is.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: That you take our message to the kids in the garage.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: Let them all sleep in the one room. You don't
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  Speaker 2: need a big house, folks, get a little house. Stick
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: them in the garage. They'll be fine.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: But as part of that, we kind of looked at
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: our routines and structures and the kids booked it, you know,
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: kind of having to get back into those routines. But
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: one of the things that was really has been really
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: important to me has been having my routine in the
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: morning before the kids even get out of bed, getting
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: up and going down to the beach, watching the sunrise,
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: having some you know, time to myself do a bit
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: of meditation. And because I've had so much rain and
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: so much kind of movement in our lives, we I
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: haven't been i'd do it as much as I'd like to.
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  Speaker 3: So even though we had a really really big weekend
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  Speaker 3: and I was exhausted come Monday morning, I decided that
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: I was just going to get up, and I was
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  Speaker 3: going to do it. We don't live three hundred meters
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  Speaker 3: from the beach anymore now that we're not in the airbnb,
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  Speaker 3: we're actually about a kilometer away.
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  Speaker 2: I know that's tough live.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I don't want to use the car, That's my point.
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: I don't want to use the car. And so originally
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: I was going to.
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  Speaker 2: Use the electric scooter, considering we used to live like
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: an hour from the beach, which guys like I don't
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  Speaker 2: want to sound like we're bragging or anything, but we
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  Speaker 2: just it's been the best decision to move close to
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  Speaker 2: the coast. We're just loving it. So you're going to
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  Speaker 2: use the electricis.
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  Speaker 3: I was going to use the electric scooter to get
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  Speaker 3: down there so I could maximize my time on the beach.
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  Speaker 3: And then I thought, you know what, I can actually
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  Speaker 3: dovetail this. If I walk slash run to the beach
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  Speaker 3: and walk slash run home, then I get a little
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  Speaker 3: bit of exercise in plus my downtime.
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  Speaker 2: You know, still know you've got less time on the
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  Speaker 2: beach because you're walking.
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  Speaker 3: That's right, But that's what I did. So I stuck
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  Speaker 3: at a podcast on I ran walked to the beach
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  Speaker 3: took me ten minutes, and I just had the best
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  Speaker 3: mornings while I sat, watched the sunrise, had some downtime,
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  Speaker 3: and just recalibrated and came home with more energy than
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  Speaker 3: I've had in a long time to just get everybody
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  Speaker 3: out the door, get the house done, and it felt great.
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  Speaker 2: So a couple of take our message you see it.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: First off, we need structural and routine, and having that
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  Speaker 2: family meeting is part of it. But as part of
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: the meeting, you remember that you need to have your
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: structuring routine as well, and you don't have to live
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: near the beach to have that kind of a morning.
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  Speaker 2: You work out what you're going to do for exercise
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  Speaker 2: or what you're going to do for your quiet time yourself,
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  Speaker 2: get up in the morning, go and have that quiet
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  Speaker 2: time yourself, and then come back and it helps you
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  Speaker 2: to be a better parent.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, totally. I just I feel more grounded and more
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  Speaker 3: centered and more purposeful, which you.
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  Speaker 2: Need because I've been away all week. So that's great
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  Speaker 2: to hear. After the break, I'm going to share some
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  Speaker 2: really challenging stuff to talk about. As the guy who's
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: written the parenting books and the guy who's all about
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: being gentle and kind and compassionate with your kids. Because
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: there's been a couple of things that have really stood
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  Speaker 2: out to me this past couple of weeks as I've
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  Speaker 2: been interacting with our kids. Between fifteen and twenty percent
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  Speaker 2: of teens have anxiety. Anxiety is one of the leading
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: causes of mental illness in our children, and as parents,
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  Speaker 2: we want to know where is it coming from, can
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  Speaker 2: we stop it, and how do we help our children
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: just feel better? Start by learning how to recognize anxiety
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: in your child, how to respond, and how to give
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: them hope and the anxiety in your child. Webinar can help.
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  Speaker 2: It's available at happy families dot com dot au.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, Do I have
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: a bounce in my voice?
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah? You do. I'm not sure if I'm going to
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: maintain mine. So I've been really wrestling with something the
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: last few weeks, the last couple of months. Everybody knows
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  Speaker 2: they've heard about the podcast. I've been so far away
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: from you for most of that time. I only been
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: home really for the weekends while we've been moving to
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: the coast, but over the last couple of weeks because
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: I've been around a lot more. I've been more involved
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: in the morning routine, getting the kids out the door
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: and that kind of thing, and I've encountered all of
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: that opposition from the kids. I don't want to brush
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: my teeth, I want to put my uniform, and I
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: don't want to go to school, all that kind of thing.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: And just before I left on Monday morning to head
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: to Sydney, I had this experience where you had run
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: around the round of the corner store to grab some milk.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: We had our eight year old Emily, who was usly
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: refusing to go to school. It was now seven forty five,
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  Speaker 2: supposed to be out the door at seven fifty five,
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: still hadn't eaten breakfast, hadn't put a uniform on, had
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: brushed her hair, had done nothing, no lunchbox or anything
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  Speaker 2: like that, and saying I'm not going to go to school.
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  Speaker 2: And I did all the right stuff, the stuff that
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: I write about in my books, the emotion coaching and
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: the compassion and the gentleness. I did all the stuff
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: that you're supposed to do. And all she did was
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: tantrum and chuck a wobbly and she was just horrible,
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: like really really horrible, and so I kind of just
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: picked her up and I said, I know don want
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: to do this, but today's school day and you're gonna
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: have to go to school. And I basically gently, very
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: very and I mean you walked in as I was
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: doing it. I was being really gentle, but I really
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: gently pulled her clothes off while she was screaming and
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: fighting and trying not to allow me to take anything off,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: and I put her single it on, and then I
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: put a dress on, and I kind of just helped
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: her to get dressed in spite of herself and her opposition.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: And then you came and took over from that, and
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: I went and got her breakfast ready, and it turns
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: out she was pretty hungry, which was part of the
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: reason she was tantruming. But it was just that experience
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: of whether your kids want to do stuff or not,
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: sometimes they just have to do it and you don't
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: have to get angry about it. You don't have to
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: stomp your feet and threaten, you don't have to wrestle
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: them and fight them and I don't know, shake their
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: arms until their clothes come off, or you don't have
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: to do anything violent or physical. There doesn't have to
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: be any big emotion. I was totally calm the whole time.
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  Speaker 2: I was even apologetic. I was saying, I'm really sorry.
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  Speaker 2: I know you don't want to do this. Can you
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: just lift up your hand. I don't want to have
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: to I don't want to pull this over and stretch
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: it or hurt you. Let's do it gently, but can
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: you lift up your arm? And she was refusing, so
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: bit by bit, very gently. It took five times longer
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: than it needed to but she had to do it,
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: and it was my job to make sure that she
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: did it, and ultimately she did. She left for school
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: fifteen minutes late, but she was ready eventually and she
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: went and I just wanted to empisode. It was the
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: same a couple of days previous. We were going somewhere.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: She didn't want to go. She was on the floor,
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: I do it. I want to do it, really really
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: having a big sad and I lifted her up and
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: she didn't want to be carried, so I put a
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: feet on the floor, put her back to me, and
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: I just kind of walked while I was holding her
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: under her arms, sort of around her shoulder, sort of thing,
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  Speaker 2: just gently, no emotion, no aggression, none of that sort
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: of stuff, but just you know what we're going in
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: the car. We've got to do this. And I want
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: to emphasize as a parent, it's great to try to
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: be soft and gentle and compassionate and give the kids
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: as much autonomy as you can, but sometimes they've just
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: got to do the right thing. Sometimes they've got to
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: do the thing that the family requires them to do.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: And that's my that's my I'd do better tomorrow. Do it,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: do it gently, do it kindly, But they've just got
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: to do it. Sometimes.
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: What you don't actually know is that before you had
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: that experience, I'd had exactly the same experience trying to
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: get her out of bed. I left her for a
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: little bit because I know what it's like when you
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: want to get you know, when you're getting up and
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: it's cold outside and your bed's nice and warm, and
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: I gave her snuggles and you know, we talked, and
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: then I tried to coax her out and she wouldn't
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: come out.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: So it was just one of those mornings, it really was.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: But it was the same thing. At one point I
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: kind of just said to her, I know you want
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: to be in bed, but it's actually time to get up.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: I can help you get dressed while before I go
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: and get your breakfast, or you can get dressed and
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: not gone get your breakfast. And she just was refusing
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: to get out of bed. So at one point I
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: literally just kind of again gently, I just picked her
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: up and I said it's time to get out of bed,
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: and I put her out. I got her out of bed,
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: put her on the carpet. Well, she ran off screaming.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: When I found her, she'd gone and climbed onto the
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: lounge and hidden herself under a blanket. Problem with having
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: the lounge in their bedroom now. So anyway, that's the
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: main thing that I wanted to share for the older
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: bed tomorrow. Before we wrap up, though, two other quick things.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: First of all, Top Gun Maverick got to go see it.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: We went and saw it about a week ago. How
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: much fun was that?
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: Well, I don't know if you know this, but we're
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: actually going to see it again tonight.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Oh well, really, why are we doing it tonight? As well?
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: What's to do with that?
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: Oh well, my friends are going. They haven't seen it yet,
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: so I'm not missing out on a great night with
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: my friends.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm up for it. I think it was good
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: enough to see twice. Kind of feels like a little
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: bit of waste of money, you know what I'm like
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: with money. I don't know. Maybe maybe we'll go and.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: Well, you can stay home.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: We're going with We'll go and hang out with them
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: until they enter the theater and then we'll know it's such
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: a cheap skate. Now. The other thing that I wanted
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: to quickly share was that I took the kids surfing
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: last weekend and one of the kids that one of
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: my surfboards.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: Yes they did.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: Didn't even get cranky about it.
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: And I still haven't got cranky about the fact that
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: you've left in the front garden.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: It's a perfect decoration. So people when they drive in
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: the street they see the surfboard in the front guard.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: But they don't they can't see that massive five that's
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: like almost the size of an A four piece of paper.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: The surfboard's a landmark. It stands out. People know, Oh,
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: that's the house with the surfboard and the gardens. That's
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: the one. The surfboard's green. It's a green surfboard.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: Well anymore surfboards. We're going to end up in the
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: graveyard at the Coolson household.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: Well, we'll have a front front fence that's nothing that
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: snaps surfboards. We really hope that you've got some take
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: home messages from this in terms of being clear but
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: kind with your kids, in terms of establishing that routine
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: and not getting too craanky even when things aren't going
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: quite right. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Rowland for Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce as our executive producer.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: All the info you need to make your family happier
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: you can find at happy families dot com dot a.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: You please join us there. I have a great weekend.