Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Should I Stay or Should I Make the Move? | Life advice

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Should I Stay or Should I Make the Move? | Life advice · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:03
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans and welcome to the podcast episode
0:07
Speaker 1: of today. So this is a life advice episode, but
0:11
Speaker 1: at the start, I'm going to do this episode a
0:12
Speaker 1: little bit differently. I'm going to be giving you some
0:15
Speaker 1: general advice over this particular topic, which is, should I
0:19
Speaker 1: stay or should I move? This is all about leaving
0:22
Speaker 1: the country, whether it's for a year or whether it's
0:25
Speaker 1: like a long-term move. So that's what I'm going to
0:27
Speaker 1: be talking about. I have roughly 10-ish, maybe a bit
0:29
Speaker 1: more questions for you to ask yourself if you're currently
0:33
Speaker 1: in this conundrum, in this giant pickle. So then I'm
0:38
Speaker 1: going to be answering your questions. I have three questions
0:40
Speaker 1: that are related to moving or staying or being in
0:43
Speaker 1: a relationship and moving and this and that. So it's semi-related,
0:46
Speaker 1: but the general advice I'm going to give you at
0:47
Speaker 1: the top of the episode is for everyone. And then
0:50
Speaker 1: I've got the questions. This first bit will only go
0:53
Speaker 1: for roughly 10 minutes. So if you want to get
0:54
Speaker 1: straight into the questions and you're like a diehard head
0:57
Speaker 1: noise fan, you can fast forward around 10-ish minutes and
1:01
Speaker 1: get there. Okay. So what I wanted to do to
1:26
Speaker 1: start with is get you asking yourself these questions. A
1:30
Speaker 1: lot of people will have this general idea of going
1:34
Speaker 1: on a trip or even returning back home after moving overseas,
1:37
Speaker 1: but they haven't really, the reason why they're not biting
1:41
Speaker 1: the bullet and doing the thing is because they lack clarity.
1:45
Speaker 1: The more clarity you can get, the easier it is
1:49
Speaker 1: to make the decision. Now, having said that, you also
1:52
Speaker 1: don't want to run the risk of soul searching so
1:56
Speaker 1: hard for clarity that you end up sitting in this
2:00
Speaker 1: waiting place of like, nor here nor there, I'm overanalyzing it.
2:03
Speaker 1: And then you don't do anything either. So when you
2:06
Speaker 1: ask yourself these 10 or so questions, you will get
2:09
Speaker 1: as close to an answer as possible, hopefully. And then
2:13
Speaker 1: you need to pull the pin on the decision. You
2:16
Speaker 1: need to pull, like you need to, to make a decision,
2:18
Speaker 1: even if you don't action it now, even if you say, okay,
2:21
Speaker 1: I've made the call and it's going to happen in
2:22
Speaker 1: three months, or you could say something along the lines
2:25
Speaker 1: of now I know what it takes for me to stay,
2:28
Speaker 1: or I know what it takes for me to leave.
2:29
Speaker 1: And you have to have these like parameters in place.
2:32
Speaker 1: And then if that thing happens, then it triggers this decision.
2:36
Speaker 1: If this thing doesn't happen, it triggers a different decision. Okay.
2:38
Speaker 1: So those are the really good kind of things that
2:40
Speaker 1: you can have in your head. if you can't make
2:42
Speaker 1: the decision today. Let's get straight into the questions. Number
2:46
Speaker 1: one is, are you wanting adventure or are you wanting
2:50
Speaker 1: permanent change? Because there is a difference. If you want adventure,
2:57
Speaker 1: then you have to ask yourself, is this something that
3:01
Speaker 1: can happen with a short trip? Do I need it
3:03
Speaker 1: to be a long trip? If I'm going for adventure,
3:06
Speaker 1: then what does that adventure look like? I'll give you
3:09
Speaker 1: an example, a very short, quick, sharp example. If I
3:13
Speaker 1: see myself living in Australia long-term, like for sure, I'm
3:16
Speaker 1: not saying that I need permanent change in my life.
3:18
Speaker 1: I'm not saying I hate the town that I live in.
3:20
Speaker 1: I don't like the people. This is not me. This
3:22
Speaker 1: just isn't me. I need to find myself somewhere else.
3:24
Speaker 1: That's wanting change. Wanting adventure is I want to do
3:27
Speaker 1: a year abroad. Now, if the answer is I want
3:30
Speaker 1: to do a year abroad and the purpose of the
3:33
Speaker 1: year abroad is adventure, then you have to remind yourself
3:36
Speaker 1: that that is the underlying theme. If I go and
3:39
Speaker 1: do a year abroad, but I take a really fucking
3:41
Speaker 1: boring job and I have this really fucked, you know,
3:45
Speaker 1: Monday to Friday, and maybe I get a few good
3:47
Speaker 1: little like weekends here and there, then it really defeats
3:50
Speaker 1: the purpose. Okay. I want to sink my teeth into
3:52
Speaker 1: the fact that this is an adventure. And if you
3:55
Speaker 1: say I'm doing it because I want permanent change, it's
3:58
Speaker 1: because you have realized that there's a level of dissatisfaction
4:00
Speaker 1: in your life and you are done. And one of
4:03
Speaker 1: the best ways to be done with it is to
4:05
Speaker 1: change your environment, which I am a huge advocate for.
4:08
Speaker 1: but with like a little asterisk, which I'm going to
4:10
Speaker 1: address later in the episode. Next question. If this is adventure,
4:16
Speaker 1: what is causing me to put it off? Why haven't
4:18
Speaker 1: I actioned it yet? Or why haven't I put steps
4:22
Speaker 1: in place to be able to action it very soon?
4:25
Speaker 1: And if the answer is financial, fine. But have I
4:27
Speaker 1: put a legitimate plan in place to save that money?
4:30
Speaker 1: Or it's like, oh, I just don't have money yet.
4:31
Speaker 1: I don't have money yet. What are you waiting for?
4:33
Speaker 1: A really serious full-time job. And then once you have
4:35
Speaker 1: that job, you're going to be like, well, I can't
4:36
Speaker 1: quit now because I've got this full. Like, what is
4:38
Speaker 1: your reason? What would make you think now I really
4:41
Speaker 1: have to dig in and save? So for me, I
4:45
Speaker 1: actually booked the flight for France when I went back
4:50
Speaker 1: in the fucking day, like four or five months in advance.
4:53
Speaker 1: And I didn't have enough savings, but because I booked
4:56
Speaker 1: the flight, it made it very real. And I didn't
4:58
Speaker 1: really have a choice other than losing the money for
5:01
Speaker 1: the flight, which I really didn't want to do. So
5:03
Speaker 1: I was like scrimping, saving, and I sold my car.
5:05
Speaker 1: I did like, I really leaned in because I wanted
5:07
Speaker 1: this thing. Okay. So you've got to ask yourself, why
5:10
Speaker 1: are you putting it off? What is the main reason?
5:12
Speaker 1: Are you putting it off also because you are in
5:17
Speaker 1: a relationship that you're unsure about and you think, well,
5:19
Speaker 1: I can't leave now. Like you get to the bottom
5:20
Speaker 1: of the, of the question as to why you're putting
5:22
Speaker 1: it off. Number three, does the desire to move, whether
5:26
Speaker 1: it's short-term or long-term, come from a dissatisfaction in your life,
5:30
Speaker 1: like running away? Or does it come from wanting to chase?
5:33
Speaker 1: Because if it's coming from wanting to chase something, then
5:36
Speaker 1: there's not much for me to say. That's very easy.
5:38
Speaker 1: That's a great fix. to your problem because you want
5:41
Speaker 1: adventure and you're going for it. Fine. If it's coming
5:44
Speaker 1: from running away, what exactly are you running away from?
5:47
Speaker 1: And how much of the thing you're running away from,
5:49
Speaker 1: are you actually going to still bring with you to
5:51
Speaker 1: that new place wherever you move to? Because you are
5:53
Speaker 1: the common denominator in your life. So If you're someone
5:57
Speaker 1: that's like, I just don't like my town, I don't
5:59
Speaker 1: like the people in it, the friendship groups, or I
6:02
Speaker 1: just don't vibe with the city, then that's fair enough.
6:04
Speaker 1: Literally relocating will solve a lot of those problems. Another
6:08
Speaker 1: thing is if you're like, well, I don't want to
6:09
Speaker 1: be in this small town, I want to be in
6:11
Speaker 1: a bigger city. That makes sense. Or the reverse of that.
6:15
Speaker 1: If it's like, I'm just, you know, like you might
6:18
Speaker 1: have good friends, good family, you know, like your life
6:20
Speaker 1: is pretty okay, but you find that you're just like flat, unmotivated,
6:25
Speaker 1: and you're looking for something to really lift you up
6:27
Speaker 1: and change you, then you've got to say, how much
6:29
Speaker 1: of my problems am I still taking with me? How
6:32
Speaker 1: much of that will still exist in the new city?
6:34
Speaker 1: And you've got to be aware of that. I'm going
6:36
Speaker 1: to answer a bit more of what you can do
6:38
Speaker 1: about that later, but you've got to be aware. Next
6:40
Speaker 1: question is, Um, number four, I think what would my
6:46
Speaker 1: day to day life look like when I do make
6:48
Speaker 1: this move? And this happens both ways. If you've gone
6:51
Speaker 1: overseas and you're homesick and you're returning home, you have
6:55
Speaker 1: to remind yourself that not that much changes. You're looking
6:58
Speaker 1: for the novelty. If everyone's excited that you're back, you're
7:00
Speaker 1: going to see everyone. And that, that might be enough
7:02
Speaker 1: of a reason. You're like, I just want to see
7:03
Speaker 1: my people. That's all I care about. But then a
7:05
Speaker 1: lot of people think, fuck, I came home a bit
7:07
Speaker 1: too early. Because I was all excited about the return,
7:10
Speaker 1: but I wasn't excited about going back to my old
7:12
Speaker 1: life so soon. So remember, what does the nine to five,
7:16
Speaker 1: Monday to Friday, fucking mundane side of life look like?
7:19
Speaker 1: And when you move overseas, same thing. You have this
7:22
Speaker 1: fantasy of like, oh my God, when I went on holidays,
7:24
Speaker 1: that was the best fucking thing in the world. But
7:26
Speaker 1: when you move there to live and to support yourself
7:28
Speaker 1: and to have a job or whatever, things change. Things
7:31
Speaker 1: aren't exciting every single day and you have to know
7:35
Speaker 1: what that looks like so that way you're okay with
7:37
Speaker 1: it and you're prepared for it. You know, if you
7:39
Speaker 1: enjoy your own company and you enjoy cooking while watching
7:42
Speaker 1: a rom-com in your own little apartment or if you
7:44
Speaker 1: enjoy hanging out with your housemates, then great. The mundane
7:48
Speaker 1: is fine. But if you're expecting it to be this romantic,
7:51
Speaker 1: fucking hectic, incredible thing every day, then you might be
7:55
Speaker 1: disappointed because things have ups and their downs. Next question.
8:01
Speaker 1: Do I have some sort of a plan for my
8:03
Speaker 1: trip there or my move there? What is the purpose?
8:07
Speaker 1: Is it to find myself? Is it purely for adventure?
8:10
Speaker 1: Because if it's for adventure, you have to become a
8:11
Speaker 1: yes person. Is it because I need career, whatever? Am
8:16
Speaker 1: I going there to study? Am I going to make friends?
8:18
Speaker 1: Like what is the reason behind it? It's always nice
8:21
Speaker 1: to know that there's a deep purpose behind what you do.
8:24
Speaker 1: And the purpose doesn't have to be this crazy thing,
8:25
Speaker 1: but it's got to be a good anchor that when
8:28
Speaker 1: you're there, you remind yourself, this is why I came here.
8:30
Speaker 1: When you have those shaky moments of being homesick, you
8:33
Speaker 1: can think, no, no, no, this is the reason. And
8:36
Speaker 1: when I'm older, I'll look back and be like, yes,
8:38
Speaker 1: you went and did that thing. Okay. Next question is,
8:42
Speaker 1: am I able to come back if shit hits the fan?
8:44
Speaker 1: What's my plan if things don't go well? Do I
8:48
Speaker 1: have enough money saved for the return flight? What will
8:50
Speaker 1: I do when I do come back? Who can I
8:52
Speaker 1: live with while I get back on my feet? Or
8:54
Speaker 1: do I have a job that I can just slip
8:55
Speaker 1: straight back into because I'm in crazy high demand? Do
8:58
Speaker 1: I have unlimited funds? So that's not even something I
9:00
Speaker 1: have to think about. You have to factor in based
9:02
Speaker 1: on your circumstances. Is it possible for me to easily
9:06
Speaker 1: come home if I had to? Or worst case scenario,
9:08
Speaker 1: Someone gets really sick. You've got to drop everything and
9:10
Speaker 1: come home. Can you do that? Or are you on
9:12
Speaker 1: your last dollar and no one you know can lend
9:14
Speaker 1: you any money? So make sure that that's factored in
9:17
Speaker 1: so you're not staying there out of lack of options.
9:21
Speaker 1: You're staying there because you're choosing to. Next question. How
9:25
Speaker 1: do you deal with stress and isolation? Are you someone
9:29
Speaker 1: that is fine being alone? You enjoy your own company?
9:32
Speaker 1: Or are you someone that the thought of that is terrifying,
9:34
Speaker 1: but meanwhile, you're about to go and live alone in
9:36
Speaker 1: a shoebox apartment? fucking alone on the other side of
9:41
Speaker 1: the world. Be prepared for those things. And also understand
9:46
Speaker 1: that if you don't like something now in your life,
9:49
Speaker 1: like being alone, you're not going to like being alone
9:51
Speaker 1: on the other side of the world. If you don't
9:53
Speaker 1: enjoy your own company here, you're sure as hell not
9:55
Speaker 1: going to enjoy your own company alone in another country.
9:59
Speaker 1: So it's important that you understand, are you actually okay
10:04
Speaker 1: on your own? And if you're not, maybe you already
10:06
Speaker 1: have a network of people over there. Maybe you already,
10:08
Speaker 1: so then that's less of a stress, but know the
10:11
Speaker 1: answer to that. Next question. Will I regret, what will
10:14
Speaker 1: I regret more five years down the line? Going or staying?
10:18
Speaker 1: Returning or not returning? So more often than not, you
10:22
Speaker 1: regret the things you didn't do because like, I feel
10:26
Speaker 1: like I had a very full twenties, but I was
10:27
Speaker 1: talking to my cousin yesterday and I literally said to her,
10:30
Speaker 1: I was like, despite having done quite a bit in
10:32
Speaker 1: my twenties, I still look back and think, oh, could
10:35
Speaker 1: I have milked it even more? And the answer is yes,
10:38
Speaker 1: I could have, but I have no regrets either. But
10:40
Speaker 1: imagine if I had just done fuck all, then I'd
10:43
Speaker 1: have major regrets. Cause if I'm still thinking, oh, I
10:45
Speaker 1: could have done this and I could have done that.
10:47
Speaker 1: And I've could have been even more outrageous. then that's
10:49
Speaker 1: a shame, right? So this is the fucking time to
10:53
Speaker 1: be alive and do the thing. Next question is, and
11:04
Speaker 1: this is the final question to wrap up these questions
11:07
Speaker 1: to ask yourself. What are you willing to do there
11:11
Speaker 1: that you are not willing to do here? Or what
11:13
Speaker 1: do you think you are willing to do there? when
11:15
Speaker 1: you move that you are not willing to do now.
11:18
Speaker 1: We believe that when we move, that's the magic pill
11:23
Speaker 1: and everything changes, not just our location. Now, having said that,
11:27
Speaker 1: I believe, and there's studies to back it, that changing
11:30
Speaker 1: your environment can be one of the best things you
11:33
Speaker 1: can do to really change who you are, to come
11:38
Speaker 1: into that new version of yourself that you're wanting to be.
11:40
Speaker 1: Maybe you want to make some personality changes and you
11:42
Speaker 1: find it really hard in the place where everyone knows you.
11:45
Speaker 1: There might be all these things that you want to change,
11:47
Speaker 1: but you feel like you keep getting truncated in the
11:50
Speaker 1: day in, day out of the same shit. And you
11:51
Speaker 1: try and make a change and get pulled back to
11:53
Speaker 1: the old routine. And then changing your environment gives you, bang,
11:57
Speaker 1: that fresh start. So I'm a massive advocate for, if possible,
12:01
Speaker 1: absolutely change your environment. There's also certain things that you
12:05
Speaker 1: would need to change your environment in order to achieve
12:07
Speaker 1: other things, obviously. But I want you to ask yourself,
12:12
Speaker 1: If I don't change at all and who I am
12:16
Speaker 1: and the way I am with myself and my routines
12:19
Speaker 1: and my level of motivation or lack of motivation or whatever,
12:22
Speaker 1: if that never changed and I just changed my environment,
12:25
Speaker 1: would that be enough? Because if I'm someone that's a
12:29
Speaker 1: bit of an introvert, but I want to be an extrovert,
12:32
Speaker 1: or maybe I'm an extrovert at heart, but I'm not
12:35
Speaker 1: very social and I want to be social. If I
12:37
Speaker 1: take my same behaviors, my same mentality and take it
12:40
Speaker 1: to another country, that's not going to miraculously change. I
12:43
Speaker 1: have to be aware of the things I need to
12:45
Speaker 1: change and be willing to do something that I'm not
12:47
Speaker 1: willing to do here. And why am I not willing
12:50
Speaker 1: to do it here? Is it because you think, oh, well,
12:52
Speaker 1: everyone knows me, this and that. And that might be
12:53
Speaker 1: a good enough reason. A lot of people find it
12:55
Speaker 1: easier to be, come out of their shell when people
12:58
Speaker 1: don't know them because these people are meeting them as
13:02
Speaker 1: they're becoming their new self. So that's legitimate. But what
13:05
Speaker 1: I'm saying is you have to be very aware of
13:08
Speaker 1: the things that you would like to change. And you
13:10
Speaker 1: have to be a part of that change. The city
13:12
Speaker 1: itself will not make a change for you. Moving to
13:15
Speaker 1: a place that's sunny and bright and this and that
13:18
Speaker 1: is not going to miraculously turn you into a morning person.
13:21
Speaker 1: Just like moving to a place with a crazy good
13:23
Speaker 1: nightlife isn't going to exactly turn you into, you know,
13:26
Speaker 1: like a super social, always going out kind of person.
13:29
Speaker 1: You have to put in the effort either way. You
13:32
Speaker 1: have to then still put yourself in there and put
13:34
Speaker 1: in the effort and make it consistent until it becomes
13:36
Speaker 1: a habitual way of being. So just be well aware
13:40
Speaker 1: that a simple location change, it's a phenomenal platform to start,
13:44
Speaker 1: but it's not going to do it if you don't
13:46
Speaker 1: do the work. You get what you give. You have
13:48
Speaker 1: to put out what you want to receive. Okay, let's
13:51
Speaker 1: go into the listener questions of today. The first one. Oh. Okay,
14:02
Speaker 1: first question. Hi, Alexis. I've been following you since 2022
14:08
Speaker 1: and I've listened to so many of your episodes. Firstly,
14:10
Speaker 1: congratulations on your little ones, but it's also been wonderful
14:13
Speaker 1: watching you grow and evolve over the years. Thank you.
14:16
Speaker 1: I'm 36, originally from South Africa and moved to Australia
14:19
Speaker 1: alone in 2022. I know wholeheartedly it was the right decision,
14:23
Speaker 1: but my God, would I love to sit down with
14:24
Speaker 1: you over a drink and unpack the last four years.
14:27
Speaker 1: I've heard you discuss the neurological benefits of travel and
14:29
Speaker 1: new experiences, but I'm curious about the flip side. What
14:32
Speaker 1: happens to your brain and nervous system when the honeymoon
14:34
Speaker 1: phase of immigrating wears off and you're left rebuilding your
14:37
Speaker 1: life without a familiar support system? Despite everything I've achieved,
14:41
Speaker 1: I feel increasingly lost, lonely and devastated. My confidence and
14:45
Speaker 1: self-esteem has taken a knock and the self-doubt is overwhelming.
14:49
Speaker 1: Bluntly put, I just feel like the biggest loser and failure.
14:53
Speaker 1: Coming from a less than supportive family, finding my people
14:56
Speaker 1: and a genuine sense of belonging has involved a lot
14:59
Speaker 1: of trial and error. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD
15:02
Speaker 1: and PTSD, which adds another layer of complexity. What happens
15:06
Speaker 1: to someone's brain, nervous system and sense of self when
15:09
Speaker 1: they've spent years being resilient, adapting and functioning independently, but
15:13
Speaker 1: haven't necessarily experienced a sustained sense of safety, connection and belonging?
15:17
Speaker 1: I have so, so many questions, but I genuinely love
15:19
Speaker 1: to hear your overall perspective on the less talked about
15:22
Speaker 1: neurological and emotional cost of emigrating, particularly as a single
15:26
Speaker 1: woman navigating it all alone. Okay, this is a very
15:29
Speaker 1: deep and great question. What I want to say to
15:34
Speaker 1: this is, number one, what you've gone through and what
15:37
Speaker 1: you're doing is very difficult. You've done it alone and
15:40
Speaker 1: it's extremely isolating. And it's also isolating because you said
15:43
Speaker 1: you don't have the support of your family. Now you
15:45
Speaker 1: asked what's happening from a neurological standpoint. You said that
15:52
Speaker 1: you've been resilient, adapting, functioning independently. You're obviously in a
15:57
Speaker 1: high state of emotional stress all the time. At no
16:00
Speaker 1: point are you really relaxing and sinking in and do
16:03
Speaker 1: you feel a sense of deep security? So when that's
16:06
Speaker 1: happening in the brain, we switch into this state of,
16:11
Speaker 1: I've got to be reactive. I've got to make sure
16:12
Speaker 1: that I'm protecting myself. I'm being safe. I'm like, you're
16:15
Speaker 1: in a stressed state. I have a whole episode called
16:19
Speaker 1: the effects of stress on the brain and I think,
16:23
Speaker 1: and how to change it because your brain is rewiring
16:26
Speaker 1: to adapt, to be protective for you when you're in
16:29
Speaker 1: a high state of stress all the time, emotional or
16:33
Speaker 1: like workload stress or physical. You're always adapting when you
16:37
Speaker 1: are under a lot of stress. And because of that,
16:40
Speaker 1: you're using less resources to things like focus, creativity, expansion, um,
16:48
Speaker 1: you know, social connection and things like that. The things
16:52
Speaker 1: that make you feel calm and secure is not what
16:55
Speaker 1: you're focusing right now, because you're focusing on just protecting
16:58
Speaker 1: yourself and, and survival, quote unquote. So the more you
17:03
Speaker 1: are in this state, the more you're going to feel
17:06
Speaker 1: in this reactive state. That's why your self-esteem has taken
17:09
Speaker 1: a hit. That's why your confidence is taking a hit.
17:11
Speaker 1: It's because you feel like you're just reactive, reactive, reactive, reactive.
17:15
Speaker 1: You've lost that connection to who you really are, that
17:19
Speaker 1: deep essence of you that really comes out when you
17:21
Speaker 1: feel safe, secure, and a sense of belonging. So my
17:26
Speaker 1: biggest advice to you is that I would And this
17:30
Speaker 1: is obviously way easier said than done. I don't want
17:32
Speaker 1: to dismiss that. But your number one priority is to
17:37
Speaker 1: feel a sense of belonging. Now, I don't know, you
17:41
Speaker 1: did mention where you live, but this is confidential, so
17:43
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say it. But sometimes it's, I'm
17:46
Speaker 1: not saying move, but is where you're living in Australia
17:52
Speaker 1: the ideal place for you to find that sense of belonging?
17:54
Speaker 1: It might be. Yeah, your answer might be, yeah, babe,
17:56
Speaker 1: it is. Great. Maybe it's not. If you still feel
17:59
Speaker 1: like you haven't found your people, is there the opportunity
18:03
Speaker 1: to move again and look for that? Or are you like,
18:06
Speaker 1: that's the last fucking thing I want to do is move.
18:07
Speaker 1: So that's just, I'm just putting it out there. But
18:09
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is number one, you want to find
18:12
Speaker 1: a place where it's easy to meet people. And when
18:15
Speaker 1: I say easy to meet people, I'm saying, can I
18:17
Speaker 1: involve myself in activities, in gyms, run clubs, or like
18:21
Speaker 1: a fucking pottery class or whatever it is where I
18:25
Speaker 1: am going to meet people. Am I living in a
18:28
Speaker 1: place where a lot of that goes on? And am
18:31
Speaker 1: I not? Also look at people's lifestyles. Is my lifestyle aligned?
18:36
Speaker 1: If I'm in a place where everyone's having kids really
18:38
Speaker 1: young and, you know, their timetable and their available time
18:41
Speaker 1: is going to be very different, especially when I'm trying
18:44
Speaker 1: to make new friends, maybe I want to be in
18:46
Speaker 1: a place where people are, you know, working, independent, this, that,
18:52
Speaker 1: going on adventures, you know, single. good income, they can
18:56
Speaker 1: do whatever they want. So they're more likely to be
18:58
Speaker 1: out and about and meeting people. You've got to think
19:01
Speaker 1: what is the environment? And it might be where you live,
19:03
Speaker 1: it might not be. where I could blossom the most
19:05
Speaker 1: and where I'm more likely to meet people. And when
19:07
Speaker 1: I establish roughly where that could be, then what am
19:09
Speaker 1: I doing to feel a true sense of belonging? Not
19:12
Speaker 1: just in making friends, but also in my day to day.
19:15
Speaker 1: Can I make friends with the barista, even just by
19:18
Speaker 1: their name? I don't have to be their actual mate.
19:19
Speaker 1: Can I get to know my neighbors? Can I do
19:21
Speaker 1: nice gestures for my neighbors in the same building or
19:24
Speaker 1: on the same street? Is there things that I can
19:26
Speaker 1: get involved with within the community? Can I volunteer one day?
19:30
Speaker 1: And that's a great way of meeting people, doing something random.
19:32
Speaker 1: Like it doesn't have to be anything major and it
19:34
Speaker 1: doesn't have to give up all your time and you
19:36
Speaker 1: don't have to volunteer every day, but you could do like,
19:38
Speaker 1: I could do one day here. I could do, you know,
19:40
Speaker 1: there's so many different things that you can get involved
19:43
Speaker 1: in where you can start to meet people that you
19:46
Speaker 1: will be that, like what I'm saying is that the
19:49
Speaker 1: main thing is finding a sense of belonging and community.
19:53
Speaker 1: When you feel like you belong, you start to feel
19:58
Speaker 1: secure within yourself and within like your life. Then when
20:02
Speaker 1: you feel a sense of security, you start to obviously
20:05
Speaker 1: have more life satisfaction. people that have a higher sense
20:08
Speaker 1: of life satisfaction because they feel safe, secure emotionally, and
20:11
Speaker 1: a sense of belonging. They have higher levels of confidence.
20:14
Speaker 1: They're more comfortable to talk to people. They're more relaxed.
20:18
Speaker 1: And because you're more relaxed, you like yourself more. And
20:20
Speaker 1: then that's a positive flow on effect. Then it's easier
20:23
Speaker 1: to meet new people. Then you start getting more creative.
20:25
Speaker 1: You start coming up with ideas for things to do,
20:27
Speaker 1: whether it's a hobby or whether it's career wise. And
20:29
Speaker 1: it's this positive flow on effect. But if you always
20:32
Speaker 1: feel even your brain is interpreting your situation as danger,
20:35
Speaker 1: I need to protect myself, I'm always in high stress,
20:38
Speaker 1: then those things are going to be very difficult to do.
20:40
Speaker 1: So the number one thing, more than anything above all,
20:43
Speaker 1: is find a sense of belonging and start to form
20:48
Speaker 1: your community. And like I said, this is easier said
20:52
Speaker 1: than done, but that is the number one thing that
20:54
Speaker 1: I would recommend for you. Thank you so much. Next question.
20:59
Speaker 1: My dream trip isn't feeling so dreamy. I hate that
21:03
Speaker 1: for you. Hi, Alexis. I'm currently doing a 12 week
21:06
Speaker 1: language stay in Sydney. Welcome. And I'm really struggling with
21:11
Speaker 1: something I didn't expect. I came here in September and
21:14
Speaker 1: I had this picture in my head that I'd meet
21:15
Speaker 1: amazing people, making a group of friends and have this
21:18
Speaker 1: whole exciting experience abroad. Instead, I really just haven't connected
21:22
Speaker 1: with the people here. I find school pretty boring. And
21:24
Speaker 1: although I've met some people and I'm not literally isolated,
21:28
Speaker 1: I honestly don't feel like any of them are my people.
21:31
Speaker 1: I keep trying to force myself to socialise because I'm
21:33
Speaker 1: scared that if I don't, I'll end up spending most
21:35
Speaker 1: of my time here alone. I'm here until December, and
21:38
Speaker 1: right now the thought of that feels really overwhelming. Part
21:41
Speaker 1: of me just wants to go home, but another part
21:43
Speaker 1: of me knows that I may never get an opportunity
21:44
Speaker 1: to live in Sydney for a few months with this
21:46
Speaker 1: much freedom. I've recently started building more of my own routine, gym,
21:50
Speaker 1: exploring Sydney, planning hikes and trips, going to cafes and
21:53
Speaker 1: doing things by myself. And I'm trying to shift my
21:55
Speaker 1: mindset away from needing this experience to look the way
21:58
Speaker 1: I imagined it would. I think what I'm really struggling
22:01
Speaker 1: with is how do I stop seeing being alone as
22:03
Speaker 1: evidence that my experience has failed? And how do I
22:06
Speaker 1: genuinely make the most of the next two months if
22:08
Speaker 1: I do end up doing most of it alone? I
22:10
Speaker 1: want to get to the end and feel proud that
22:12
Speaker 1: I have stayed, became more independent and actually experienced Australia
22:15
Speaker 1: and rather than spending the whole time counting down the
22:19
Speaker 1: days because I didn't find the friendships that I expected?
22:21
Speaker 1: How would you approach the next two months mentally if
22:24
Speaker 1: you were me here? And how do you learn to
22:26
Speaker 1: enjoy your own company while being alone when being alone
22:29
Speaker 1: wasn't what you originally chose? Thank you for everything you do. Okay,
22:33
Speaker 1: awesome question. Thank you for sending that in. I think
22:35
Speaker 1: I'm replying to this like a month after you sent it,
22:37
Speaker 1: so hopefully you're still in Australia. But what I would
22:40
Speaker 1: recommend to you, you're saying that I think you're looking
22:44
Speaker 1: at this situation You're looking at this through the lens
22:46
Speaker 1: of being alone is a failure. You've already succeeded in
22:50
Speaker 1: the sense that you've come to Australia and you've done
22:52
Speaker 1: it alone. And this is something that you're going to
22:53
Speaker 1: look back on in your life years down the line
22:56
Speaker 1: and be like, I did that. And it was fucking epic.
22:58
Speaker 1: I can't believe I did it. And I did it alone.
23:02
Speaker 1: Whether you make friends or not irrelevant, you did this
23:04
Speaker 1: on your own. It is one of the best things
23:07
Speaker 1: when it comes to soul searching, character building, becoming more
23:11
Speaker 1: secure within yourself. It might be really hard at the time,
23:13
Speaker 1: but But in hindsight, I can guarantee you doing these
23:16
Speaker 1: things alone builds so much self-trust and resilience later down
23:20
Speaker 1: the line. It might not feel like it right now
23:22
Speaker 1: because it's shaky and it's uncomfortable and it's not what
23:24
Speaker 1: you had expected. But later you'll reflect back and be like,
23:28
Speaker 1: this is why I'm stronger now. This is why I
23:30
Speaker 1: feel better about making decisions for myself. This is why
23:33
Speaker 1: I'm better at listening to my intuition. This, this, this, this, this, this, this.
23:37
Speaker 1: Sometimes the things that are so character building do not
23:39
Speaker 1: feel character building at the time. They just don't. So
23:42
Speaker 1: what I am going to say is, Number one, never
23:46
Speaker 1: look at being alone as a failure ever. That's a success.
23:49
Speaker 1: The fact that you can do this and do it alone,
23:51
Speaker 1: major success. Number two, still have the intention to meet people.
23:56
Speaker 1: I would be putting myself out there so fucking hard
23:59
Speaker 1: because worst case scenario, you end up going home and
24:03
Speaker 1: you never met anyone, but you would regret it if
24:05
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, well, I threw in the towel and
24:07
Speaker 1: the last four weeks I just kind of did fuck
24:09
Speaker 1: all and I was counting down the days. Best case scenario,
24:12
Speaker 1: you put yourself out there like crazy. You meet some
24:15
Speaker 1: people and you meet people that become connections for life.
24:18
Speaker 1: Maybe you return to Australia later down the line. Maybe
24:20
Speaker 1: they come and visit you. It doesn't matter. The point
24:22
Speaker 1: is you have this like long-term life thing. So how
24:27
Speaker 1: to do that? I would look at this as imagine
24:32
Speaker 1: that you're going to meet a best friend, a new
24:35
Speaker 1: best friend tomorrow and every day have that intention. How
24:39
Speaker 1: would you carry yourself if you knew for a fact
24:42
Speaker 1: that you would meet your next best friend tomorrow? Or
24:45
Speaker 1: you wouldn't, like, how would you behave? What would that
24:47
Speaker 1: look like? Right? Would you be, oh, just maybe I'll
24:52
Speaker 1: just do this alone. I'll fuck it. I'll just, you know,
24:54
Speaker 1: because you aren't getting involved in things. I'm not saying
24:55
Speaker 1: that you're a fucking social recluse because you have said
24:57
Speaker 1: you're doing all these things. But what's your energy like
25:00
Speaker 1: as well? How can I take what I'm doing and
25:02
Speaker 1: bring it up a notch? If I was walking down
25:04
Speaker 1: the street being like, I'm about to meet my best friend,
25:06
Speaker 1: you fucking, you won't believe, you would be like, I'm...
25:09
Speaker 1: That's intense, right? I would be on one. I would
25:12
Speaker 1: be meeting people, getting to know them. I would be inquisitive.
25:16
Speaker 1: I'd be asking questions. I'd be like, which one of
25:17
Speaker 1: these motherfuckers is going to be my new best friend, right?
25:20
Speaker 1: And some people would be like, fuck off. And other
25:22
Speaker 1: people would be like, wow, I'm really vibing that energy
25:25
Speaker 1: because maybe they work up with the same mentality too.
25:28
Speaker 1: And then two worlds collide and you have a friend.
25:31
Speaker 1: Worst case scenario, none of that comes to fruition, but
25:34
Speaker 1: you're like, you know what? I put myself out there
25:37
Speaker 1: and I got rejected and I survived, which taught me
25:40
Speaker 1: that being rejected means fuck all and it builds resilience.
25:43
Speaker 1: So either way, it's a fabulous outcome. Milk the time
25:48
Speaker 1: you have left here. I'm telling you, do not cut
25:50
Speaker 1: it short. Do not leave one stone unturned. You have
25:53
Speaker 1: no idea what one positive interaction can lead to. Go
25:58
Speaker 1: all in. It's a numbers game. You don't have much
26:00
Speaker 1: time left, milk it for what it's worth. And if
26:02
Speaker 1: it's to spend every day alone, how much can you
26:05
Speaker 1: pack in to this time, even doing it alone? You
26:08
Speaker 1: never want to look back being like, why did I
26:10
Speaker 1: travel to the other side? I mean, I don't know
26:11
Speaker 1: where you're coming from, but I'm guessing the other side
26:13
Speaker 1: of the world and, you know, invest all this time
26:15
Speaker 1: and energy and money just to be like, like, give
26:18
Speaker 1: it everything. Okay. And then you will never regret it
26:22
Speaker 1: because you're here now. Okay. Final question. And it is
26:35
Speaker 1: called moving for love or being a naive soggy lemon.
26:41
Speaker 1: Love that. Hi, Alexis. Been a fan since the beginning.
26:44
Speaker 1: Canadian been here. Guys, I love Canadians and I've never
26:48
Speaker 1: been to Canada. So that's next on the list. I
26:52
Speaker 1: should do a live show in Canada. Um, let's get
26:55
Speaker 1: right into it. Two years ago, my husband decided to
26:57
Speaker 1: change careers. We've been together for 10 years and he
27:00
Speaker 1: was unhappy in his old career. I was 100% on
27:04
Speaker 1: board and supportive because I wanted him to be happy.
27:06
Speaker 1: We moved across the country for his schooling for this
27:09
Speaker 1: career change. I'm a teacher and I'm able to find
27:12
Speaker 1: work in most places. I ended up hating the move
27:15
Speaker 1: and where we live now. Now that he's finished his schooling,
27:18
Speaker 1: we are going to have to move again. No work
27:20
Speaker 1: in his new field here. I enjoy living in new
27:23
Speaker 1: places and traveling, but I cannot help but feel I'm
27:26
Speaker 1: losing myself and moving around too much for him and
27:28
Speaker 1: his career. Since I can theoretically teach anywhere, but not
27:34
Speaker 1: like I have to be in one particular place. But
27:37
Speaker 1: my career as a teacher has stunted a little bit
27:39
Speaker 1: because I'm unable to set roots and just end up
27:42
Speaker 1: being a substitute teacher instead of having my own classrooms. Also,
27:46
Speaker 1: my friends and family all think I'm making too many
27:48
Speaker 1: sacrifices for him. I need advice from my Australian goddess.
27:52
Speaker 1: That's you. Thank you. I love my partner and I
27:54
Speaker 1: want him to succeed in his new career, but at
27:56
Speaker 1: what point am I being a passenger in my own life?
27:59
Speaker 1: Help a confused Canadian bean out. Okay. Listen, I think
28:08
Speaker 1: that every relationship does come with compromise and But there
28:13
Speaker 1: is a line where compromise shouldn't mean giving up on
28:17
Speaker 1: your life trajectory, giving up on, you know, the things
28:22
Speaker 1: that not only matter to you, but the things that
28:24
Speaker 1: contribute to building who you are. An important thing that
28:28
Speaker 1: you mentioned, and I think it's really important to note,
28:31
Speaker 1: is this idea of having this career as where you're
28:34
Speaker 1: able to set roots and progress in your career, if
28:37
Speaker 1: you're always just doing surface, like I'm just here for
28:40
Speaker 1: a little bit, so I can only just, I can't
28:42
Speaker 1: dip too deep into this field here because I can't,
28:45
Speaker 1: it's like, it's like you can't commit to the career
28:48
Speaker 1: every time you move, then you're hindering yourself professionally as well.
28:53
Speaker 1: Now I understand that you are a partnership and a marriage,
28:56
Speaker 1: but it has to go both ways. And it's not
28:58
Speaker 1: that it's tit for tat, but it's something that I
29:01
Speaker 1: would speak to my partner about and say, What does
29:04
Speaker 1: this look like for us long-term? I know that I've
29:07
Speaker 1: agreed to support you on this, but I'll be dead
29:10
Speaker 1: honest with you. I can't do this forever because at
29:13
Speaker 1: some point I would love to prioritize my career. And
29:16
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be today, but it's something that
29:19
Speaker 1: if we don't factor this into our future, then I'm
29:21
Speaker 1: going to be dissatisfied with my life. And that's ultimately
29:24
Speaker 1: going to result in resentment, which is the last thing
29:28
Speaker 1: you want to do to the person you're married to,
29:30
Speaker 1: the person that you love the most. And hopefully your
29:32
Speaker 1: partner understands that as well. And it's not saying give
29:34
Speaker 1: up your career, but it's like we need to come
29:36
Speaker 1: up with a plan and we need to stick to
29:38
Speaker 1: this plan. What does the next... three years look like?
29:41
Speaker 1: Like I'm not the, I'm not a biggest advocate for
29:43
Speaker 1: three or five year plans, but when it comes to
29:46
Speaker 1: like you giving up so much of your career and
29:48
Speaker 1: yourself for your partner, then you need to have plans
29:51
Speaker 1: in place. You need to have agreements and ones that
29:54
Speaker 1: you don't like waver from. So how does it look like?
29:59
Speaker 1: You've got to put across to your partner the ideal
30:03
Speaker 1: life for you. And then you find the middle ground
30:06
Speaker 1: and your partner does the same. So if everything aligned
30:09
Speaker 1: and everything was fucking perfect, what would that look like
30:12
Speaker 1: for you? I would imagine it would be living in
30:14
Speaker 1: a city that you love, whether it's back home or
30:17
Speaker 1: a new one. Having the career that you have but
30:20
Speaker 1: finally being able to set roots and have something more permanent,
30:23
Speaker 1: maybe even a different role or a promotion or whatever,
30:25
Speaker 1: I'm not sure, but being a teacher or doing what
30:28
Speaker 1: you love but in a sense where you feel grounded
30:30
Speaker 1: and it's permanent. Your partner being able to work a
30:34
Speaker 1: job that they also love and you being able to
30:36
Speaker 1: feel really calm and happy in your relationship. I would
30:38
Speaker 1: imagine that that's what your dream scenario would be. You
30:41
Speaker 1: put something like that across to your partner, you would
30:42
Speaker 1: ask them to do the same and you would say,
30:45
Speaker 1: what do you think is fair? And then you would
30:49
Speaker 1: also say what you think is fair. And that's how
30:51
Speaker 1: you start to come to a legitimate compromise because at
30:54
Speaker 1: the moment you are sacrificing and he is having his career,
31:00
Speaker 1: but it's not a mutual compromise at the moment. And
31:03
Speaker 1: that's not a stab at your husband. You agreed to
31:05
Speaker 1: this and that's fair enough and fair enough for him.
31:08
Speaker 1: In fact, both of you, like that's fine. So no
31:11
Speaker 1: shade on what's happened so far. This happens all the
31:13
Speaker 1: time with relationships and sometimes it has to be done
31:15
Speaker 1: in a That's, you know, often the mark of what
31:18
Speaker 1: makes a successful partnership is that when one person has
31:21
Speaker 1: to give it all and the other person has to
31:23
Speaker 1: take all and then the dynamic can shift later. So
31:26
Speaker 1: I'm not saying this to throw shade. But moving forward,
31:30
Speaker 1: what can this look like in the future? Because one
31:33
Speaker 1: thing that I think you know for sure is that
31:35
Speaker 1: this dynamic is not sustainable long-term and you have to
31:39
Speaker 1: communicate that. And you're not saying, I'm not saying we've
31:41
Speaker 1: got to rip the bandaid off and tomorrow it all changes.
31:43
Speaker 1: You're also not saying it has to happen in six months'
31:45
Speaker 1: time or in one year. But you need to see
31:47
Speaker 1: the light at the end of the tunnel or you
31:49
Speaker 1: will resent him. But yeah, that's what I would do
31:53
Speaker 1: because maybe there is eventually a happy medium. Maybe his
31:56
Speaker 1: career is the kind that for a couple of years,
31:58
Speaker 1: he's got to work somewhere, but then eventually he can
32:01
Speaker 1: come closer to home because of levels of experience or whatever.
32:03
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. But the point is
32:06
Speaker 1: that you need something that's going to make you feel
32:10
Speaker 1: like not all of this is just a total sacrifice.
32:13
Speaker 1: And then all your like great working years have gone
32:16
Speaker 1: down the drain because you didn't get the opportunity to
32:19
Speaker 1: sink your teeth into your own career as well. All right.
32:22
Speaker 1: And it's not really down the drain. I mean, I
32:24
Speaker 1: always think that, you know, you still lived your life.
32:27
Speaker 1: I never think of time as down the drain, but
32:29
Speaker 1: in the sense of like, you don't ever want to
32:31
Speaker 1: feel like you could have done so much more in
32:33
Speaker 1: your career and you never had the opportunity to do so.
32:35
Speaker 1: So it's definitely worth flagging and having a really serious,
32:39
Speaker 1: heartfelt conversation. And it's not going to come from anger either.
32:42
Speaker 1: It's going to come from, this is how I'm feeling
32:44
Speaker 1: and you're my husband. So I'm just being honest. Um,
32:47
Speaker 1: thank you so much for all your questions and thank
32:50
Speaker 1: you for listening to the episode of today. If you
32:52
Speaker 1: would like to send in your question, firstly, if you
32:55
Speaker 1: want your glorious voice played on the podcast, which we
32:58
Speaker 1: all love the accents around the world are fabulous. Send
33:01
Speaker 1: your voice note into the, on the website, there's a
33:03
Speaker 1: dropdown menu and it says, submit your voice mail or
33:05
Speaker 1: voice note at www.dyfmpod.com. And then I'm going to tell
33:13
Speaker 1: you a funny story. And then if you want to
33:14
Speaker 1: say I've written an email, info at dyfempod.com, and I
33:18
Speaker 1: read it out. Talking about. com, my auntie, immigrant, talking
33:21
Speaker 1: about moving countries, my parents, my aunties, everyone in the–
33:25
Speaker 1: we're first-generation Australians, so every generation above is an immigrant
33:29
Speaker 1: and they're Uruguayan. My auntie, when she's on the phone
33:34
Speaker 1: trying to give like an email address or anything or
33:37
Speaker 1: a website, she always says. condom. Not dot com. Dot condom. Imagine. Anyway,
33:46
Speaker 1: that's my fun fact. If you have any immigrants in
33:49
Speaker 1: your family that say things incorrectly, please do elaborate and
33:53
Speaker 1: send them my way. I should have a whole episode
33:54
Speaker 1: on just like stuff my family says that's mortifying. I'll
33:58
Speaker 1: tell you another one that she said. Once we were
33:59
Speaker 1: ordering ice cream and we were wanted honeycomb crunch. And
34:03
Speaker 1: so we said to her, she goes, what do you want?
34:04
Speaker 1: What do you want? Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. It
34:05
Speaker 1: was a honeycomb crunch. So then the guy's like, can
34:07
Speaker 1: I help you? And she's like, yes, three of the
34:10
Speaker 1: crunch come. To the guy. And my cousin Giselle and
34:14
Speaker 1: I were like, and we just left. Anyway, we walked
34:16
Speaker 1: out while she was there fending for her life. Anyway,
34:18
Speaker 1: that is the episode of today. Love you guys so much.
34:22
Speaker 1: As always, remember, be kind to yourself, be kind to
34:24
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't take shit from anyone. And especially don't
34:27
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Danke.