Latest / Unbalanced with Cerys Davage / 59. Dating with a disability (ft. Alexa and Jacqueline Child)

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59. Dating with a disability (ft. Alexa and Jacqueline Child) · Unbalanced with Cerys Davage

0:10
Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Unbalanced
0:14
with Me, Kara Savage. This is a special episode.
0:17
I know I say that for most of my episodes, but I promise you guys
0:20
this is a special episode because I don't know if you guys
0:23
remember, but I did do an interview where I interviewed
0:26
more than one person on my podcast and that was my parents.
0:30
But today we're doing that again.
0:32
We're interviewing 2 Sisters, Alexa and Jacqueline.
0:36
Hello. Hi.
0:38
Welcome to unbalanced. How are you guys?
0:41
We're great. How are you?
0:42
Thanks for having us. I'm really excited to chat with
0:45
you guys today because I came across you on Instagram.
0:48
Well, not necessarily you as people, but as a company.
0:52
Can you give us a summary of what your company is?
0:55
We're Jacqueline and Alexa and we are from the United States
1:00
and we're the founders of Dateability, which is the only
1:03
dating app for disabled and chronically ill people.
1:07
We launched Dateability after my horrible experiences dating
1:11
using the date the mainstream dating apps.
1:14
As a disabled woman, I just, I faced a lot of ableism,
1:18
discrimination, offensive comments, just overall
1:23
negativity and toxicity. And I, we, we couldn't believe
1:27
that there wasn't anything out there for the world's largest
1:31
minority. And so we decided to take
1:32
control of the situation and create the platform that I
1:36
always wanted. That's great, and it's really
1:40
good that you're turning something negative into
1:42
something positive. It's very easy, I think, to let
1:45
stuff like that get you down and put you off dating, you know,
1:48
forever. So what was that turning point?
1:52
Because, you know, I'm, I'm sure that was quite an upsetting
1:55
experience. I don't know if you want to talk
1:56
about it at all, but what was that like and how did you kind
1:59
of transform that into this something positive?
2:03
Yeah. It was, it was really tough and
2:05
I definitely did let it get me down for for many years.
2:09
And so there were there were times where, you know, I would
2:12
disclose my disability before we even met and we would just start
2:16
talking the dating apps. And I would sort of give them
2:18
like this warning. And then I would either be met
2:22
with like an offensive comment telling me not to have
2:26
biological children or that I wouldn't be a good partner or
2:30
that it would be a burden, or they would just ghost me.
2:34
And then there would be other times where I would actually
2:37
start to get to know someone. And then somehow like my chronic
2:41
illnesses would get in the way of our relationship, whether
2:45
whether their families like didn't approve of them dating
2:47
someone with a disability or they just thought it would be
2:51
too stressful to date someone like me.
2:54
Obviously that really affected my self esteem and being told
2:57
over and over again that you're not worthy of love and that you
3:01
don't deserve it in the same way that the non disabled community
3:06
deserves it. It's it really does get to you.
3:10
And so, you know, Alexa, really, she would always help me through
3:13
these situations and say, well, they, you know, ignore them.
3:17
They're not meant for you and they're not meant for you.
3:19
Just move on and try to find the next person.
3:23
And then 2021 came and I was having to get a feeding tube for
3:29
my gastroparesis and that really just made me panic.
3:34
I was like how am I going to date with this added layer?
3:38
Like I'm already struggling so much.
3:39
And then how am I going to tell someone I have a feeding tube
3:42
and that I don't eat 3 meals a day and that I get my nutrition
3:47
through formula? And Alexa just suggested that we
3:51
create a dating app on our own. And that's exactly what we did.
3:55
We put our brains together and and just decided to solve a
3:59
problem. Yeah, amazing.
4:03
You know, I have, obviously. Been by Jacqueline's side
4:05
through her whole journeying when she initially got sick in
4:09
high school. But for her, getting the feeding
4:12
tube was the first time that I felt panic and felt like it was
4:16
going to affect our own relationship.
4:19
You know, going out to eat, going to brunch, me cooking in
4:21
front of her. I wasn't sure because we lived
4:23
together how that was going to change things.
4:26
And so then I started to really panic about dating and social
4:31
situations and how people who are not who are already
4:33
discriminating against her or already view disability and
4:37
chronic illness in a negative light and how they're going to
4:38
respond to this development. And so that was the first time
4:43
that I felt this way. And so that was, I guess gave me
4:46
the motivation or like lit a fire under me to fix the problem
4:49
that she was experiencing. And I knew that she wasn't
4:52
alone. It was, you know, the height of
4:54
the pandemic, people were starting to unmask, but mostly
4:58
non disabled and but not chronically ill people were
5:00
starting to unmask. And so you started to really see
5:01
this divide that you could see it visually and you could also
5:05
see it in the rhetoric around unmasking.
5:08
And so I felt like this was the time was now to do something and
5:12
create a safe place for the world's largest minority that is
5:15
deserving and worthy of love. That's so nice, and it's so nice
5:20
that you guys support each other in that way as well.
5:23
And it's so nice to have a sister to just kind of
5:26
understand what you're going through and want to support you
5:28
no matter what. I'm sure we'll get into the app
5:31
itself and you know, the whole side of creating it, but I kind
5:36
of want to know a bit more about your personal experiences and
5:39
what your disability is. Do you mind telling us a bit
5:41
about that? Yeah, I have a lot of different
5:44
chronic illnesses such as gastroparesis, which is just a
5:48
paralysed stomach, Ehlers Danlos, rheumatoid arthritis,
5:53
lupus, dysabnomia, trigeminal neuralgia, common variable
5:57
immunodeficiency. And so it really is just very
6:01
systemic and causes a lot of chronic pain, fatigue, just
6:07
dysfunction of my body. And so it's been a lot to
6:11
manage. And it's, it's, I've been
6:13
chronically I'll since I was 14. So I've lived more of my life
6:19
disabled than I'm not disabled at this point.
6:22
And while it's a lot, it's I've really learned to adapt and I've
6:28
really felt like I've done a really good job of just learning
6:32
about my body as I go and taking it day by day and figuring out
6:37
how to live life with what I have and not really focusing on
6:43
what's, what I can't do or what you know, I might what might
6:46
happen in the future. Definitely.
6:48
And that's the mindset that I try to have as well.
6:51
I have a condition that is degenerative, so I obviously
6:55
lose a lot of things as I get older and lose the ability to do
6:58
things that I used to love doing.
7:00
But yeah, it's a bad mindset to have.
7:03
If you keep focusing on what you can't do, you know, there's
7:06
still a lot of things you can do or ways you can adapt to things.
7:09
So that is definitely the best mindset to have.
7:12
Are your conditions ones that will kind of worsen or are they
7:17
quite stable? It depends.
7:19
Like I, I've definitely progressed as I got older, but,
7:24
and I, I think like things pop up here and there.
7:27
I've had, I've had over 40 surgeries all over my body.
7:31
And so it's tough like that. And I think, you know, it's just
7:34
like as anybody ages, things get your, your joints get older and
7:41
you get, you get worn down a little bit more as every year
7:44
goes on. But right now I feel like my,
7:49
while my health is poor, it's at least stable.
7:52
And so I I'm grateful for that. Yeah, that's good.
7:57
And I, I feel like I'm going to have a lot of questions for
8:00
Jacqueline after the stable fism.
8:02
But I wanted to ask you, Alexa, you know, like as a sister and
8:06
kind of growing up together, what's the age gap between you
8:09
as well? I'm four years older.
8:11
OK, so I guess, yeah, as an older sister, you might have
8:15
felt quite protective of her growing up, you know, and going
8:19
through these changes as a teenager.
8:22
What what were your thought processes like during those teen
8:26
times? I guess as an older sister?
8:28
I am very protective. Wasn't as big of an issue, I
8:33
think, when Jacqueline was in high school for a couple of
8:36
reasons. One, her illnesses were still
8:38
kind of a mystery. So the primary focus was getting
8:41
a diagnosis and figuring out what was going on and figuring
8:44
out next steps in a treatment. And I think that caused more
8:47
stress on my parents than anything.
8:49
And so it was more about them and making, especially our mom
8:53
and then figuring out like what was wrong with Jacqueline.
8:56
And I say air quotes because there's nothing wrong with her,
8:58
but what was going on, I guess because at the time she couldn't
9:02
keep any foods down, you know, even liquids.
9:04
And so it was pretty traumatic. But it was more focused on like
9:08
figuring out what was happening and then in.
9:11
College. I was in law school at the time
9:13
and so I was very busy but, and I think like you were going
9:16
through normal stuff. You broke up with your long term
9:17
boy friend and I helped you through that.
9:19
And it wasn't so much about your disability.
9:22
I don't think things really like, I don't think your health
9:24
deteriorated as much until after college also.
9:27
So it was not great, but it was, it got worse after college for
9:31
you and that's when we moved in together in Denver.
9:34
And so that's really when my protective instincts kicked in.
9:37
Jacqueline's been faced with things that most people her age
9:40
don't have to face. But I also like have been along
9:45
for that ride. So, you know, taking work off to
9:48
take my sister to surgeries, It can be a lot to explain to
9:51
somebody like these responsibilities that I have.
9:54
And Jacqueline's never put those responsibilities on me or, and
9:59
I'm not her caregiver, but we're there for each other.
10:02
We take care of each other the way any other siblings would.
10:04
And maybe like, that means something different for us
10:08
because of Jacqueline's illnesses.
10:11
Of course, yeah. And, and so I live with my
10:14
partner and we always put 5050 into the relationship.
10:18
But his 50% might be completely different from my 50% as a
10:22
disabled person. And I'm sure you guys get it.
10:24
You know, like it's not just Alexa, like you said, you're not
10:27
her carer. Jacqueline, I'm sure looks after
10:29
you and cares for you in just in other ways, you know, like
10:32
you're both there for each other and in other ways, which is
10:35
really nice. Yeah, I mean it.
10:37
Well, my duties might consist of taking her to appointments or
10:40
taking, you know, taking our dog out more if she's not feeling
10:43
well. And well, I haven't had a bad
10:45
breakup in a while, but you were definitely there for me when I
10:48
would go through that. Things like that.
10:50
They do. It must look different, but we
10:52
both definitely give Yeah equal amounts of effort and care.
10:56
To the other, yeah. And I think that's something
10:58
that's lost in a lot of people. It's like, especially when
11:01
people see that to see a disabled person and a non
11:05
disabled person date, it's like they, they see the non disabled
11:09
person as this hero and as as a nurse and everyone needs to be
11:14
taken care of. And I there's just so many ways
11:18
to do that. Yeah, exactly.
11:20
And people shouldn't be praised for dating or being with or
11:25
living with a disabled person. Like I always get like that.
11:28
You're the best, sister. And she is, but not because.
11:32
Right, but I also have the best sister like, you know, I like
11:35
like in my so I'm like, yeah, it's definitely I don't get in.
11:39
I like don't have the energy to educate everyone that I come
11:41
across, but it is like weird. I'm like, I don't know what to
11:44
say. Like I'm just like.
11:45
Great. Like.
11:46
Thanks. How did you find dating with a
11:51
chronic illness? At kind of what age did you get
11:53
into dating and what have your experiences been like on and
11:56
offline? So in high school I dated
12:01
probably like more than the average person.
12:03
I had a long term boyfriend like I I had few boyfriends starting
12:08
in high school. And then I had a long term
12:11
boyfriend starting when I was 16 and we dated for about 3 years.
12:15
And that was sort of at like I had just been diagnosed with
12:19
chronic illnesses and I was really figuring out just like
12:22
how to live with a chronic illness.
12:24
I wasn't going to school full time anymore.
12:26
And I was still very like, committed to making sure that I
12:30
had a healthy social life and that I was still, you know,
12:34
doing well in school. And so I mean, that that was
12:38
good. And I don't think my chronic
12:40
illness really ever got in the way of that relationship at all.
12:43
And then college felt a little different because I didn't.
12:47
I don't drink and I really don't have the energy to.
12:52
And you don't drink. Yeah, I don't drink because of
12:54
my chronic illnesses and my medication I'm on.
12:56
So I and I, you know, wasn't out partying all the time or staying
13:00
out super late. And even just like having to
13:03
disclose your chronic illness to like a 20 year old boy was weird
13:09
and uncomfortable. And so a lot of I really tried
13:13
to hide it as best as I could. And during college and then when
13:17
I graduated college, that's really when I started going to
13:21
online dating. And I would experiment with
13:24
putting the my chronic illness on my profile typically did not
13:29
work out well. I would, I would last for like a
13:33
few days with it on my profile and then realise that no one had
13:36
sent me a like and I would delete it.
13:38
And it's just, yeah, just like I always felt so much pressure to
13:45
be the perfect person online. And especially we're living in
13:50
Colorado where everyone is like, let's go hiking, let's go
13:54
skiing, let's go climbing. And having to like, immediately
13:58
shut that down and say, like, no, I can't do that.
14:01
Like, can we just, like, grab coffee?
14:04
All of this like went on and on and I was just so frustrated.
14:09
And so then I would give up for months and months and months and
14:13
say, like, I'll I'll just meet someone organically.
14:16
But then when you're chronically ill and you don't go out that
14:20
much, you realise that like you're not going to meet someone
14:22
if you don't leave the house. And then the pandemic hit and we
14:29
were all in lockdown. And so I just think that like
14:33
finding an inclusive platform where people have that normal
14:38
experience of a dating app was really important for us to to
14:43
create. And so that everyone could have
14:46
this equitable shot at at finding love.
14:50
And it we just really wanted to make it like a normal experience
14:54
for other people. Did you have something to add
14:58
and? You're just going to say that I
14:59
noticed that Jacqueline would date people that, like, if
15:02
somebody liked her, showed interest in her, she would show
15:04
interest back. And I don't think it was
15:06
necessarily like, not genuine. Genuine or fake is the wrong
15:10
word. Just like you had lower
15:12
standards because you felt unworthy and it affected
15:15
yourself esteem. So you would just date these
15:16
people that I never liked. Yeah, that they were duds.
15:20
And I know that's like, really normal in your 20s anyway,
15:23
because I've been there too. But I think it was more like a
15:26
direct reflection yourself esteem, and if somebody was
15:28
interested in you, you would be interested in them because you
15:30
felt like you had to be, because that was your shot, like you got
15:33
to take it. Yeah, 100%.
15:35
I, I think that I, I was afraid that I was like, oh, well, if
15:38
this person likes me, I better take it because who knows when
15:42
the next person will come along that likes me.
15:45
And even though, even if I wasn't totally feeling it, I was
15:49
like, I have to experience something.
15:51
So yeah, it's it sucks and it sucks to feel like that.
15:55
Yeah, you shouldn't be made to feel that you can't be picky.
15:59
And, you know, you have to just go with anyone because it's
16:01
tough to find someone who will accept me.
16:03
So I'll just go with anything. I liked boys for another reason.
16:08
I like boys because they just remotely gave me some kind of
16:12
attention, even if they didn't like, even if I didn't really
16:15
like them, I'd be like, wow, I'm loving this attention.
16:18
So yeah, I'll go for it. But yeah, it's obviously not
16:21
healthy to date it for either of those reasons, but yeah, to also
16:26
do it someone that you could potentially find yourself having
16:29
a future where they'll be interested in as well.
16:32
So yeah, I guess this is where data ability comes in.
16:35
Tell me a bit about when you launched it and how you came up
16:39
with the idea of doing this together.
16:43
We launched in October of 2022. We started the process a year
16:47
earlier in the fall of 2021. We wanted to take our favourite
16:54
things, I use that term loosely favourite from the other dating
16:57
apps because I realised that online dating is, that's like it
17:00
is a tedious process for everybody disabled, not
17:03
disabled. I just think it's more tedious
17:04
for disabled people due to stigma and discrimination.
17:08
We wanted to give it a user generated algorithm because the
17:11
thing that I hated was the other dating apps would try to push
17:15
people that the algorithm said would be more compatible with
17:18
me. And like we were clearly never
17:19
compatible and even like on paper and not compatible just
17:23
like our profiles. And so I didn't like that and I
17:27
just wanted to, I wish I could see like everybody that I, you
17:30
know, was in my radius and then decide because I think that's
17:33
more natural and that's more organic.
17:35
Like that is more like going to a BBQ or a bar or a restaurant
17:41
and like seeing people like there's no one sorting at the,
17:43
these people at the door before you go in, you just like have
17:46
everybody there. And so I wanted to recreate that
17:48
experience. And then the biggest thing that
17:50
we wanted to do was get rid of the issue, the problem of
17:53
disclosure. And so we've created the
17:56
datability deets profile section, which is an extensive
18:00
list of broad terms like immunocompromised, wheelchair
18:03
user, food allergy. So no diagnosis.
18:06
So you're not getting into any of the medical data privacy
18:09
stuff, but it kind of gives a glimpse into what your
18:12
circumstances might be, what accommodations you might need.
18:16
And you know, it's not meant to read like a medical chart.
18:19
It's just supposed to be under your basic information.
18:23
And I think it really gets rid of that awkward first
18:25
conversation of figuring out how to go about talking about this.
18:30
And so if somebody said they had a food allergy, maybe I wouldn't
18:33
suggest going to to a meal for our first date.
18:37
You know, I would suggest something else going to a
18:39
museum. And then when we get to know
18:41
each other and we feel a little more comfortable, I can ask what
18:43
accommodations they would need around that food allergy.
18:45
And so that's what we were trying to achieve and had a lot
18:50
of have had a lot of feedback, positive feedback about that.
18:53
So we definitely were right. Their instincts were right.
18:56
Yeah, I think that for me, disclosure was always the worst
19:00
part about all of this. I didn't know how to do it.
19:02
I didn't know how much to tell, didn't know when to do it.
19:05
And I always wanted it to just be like a fact about me.
19:09
And because that's how I see it about myself.
19:11
It's like not this big scary thing about me that I feel like
19:16
I need to disclose, but it's more of like, Oh yeah, like
19:20
this. It's like my hobbies or the fact
19:24
that I have brown hair. It's just something about me.
19:27
And so having it on like my profile is just takes all that
19:33
pressure off and it's I can kind of focus on like the the other
19:37
things about dating that I find are more important than what
19:42
disability you have or I have. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
19:46
And it's just, yeah, it's, it doesn't define you.
19:49
And I feel like if a stranger who maybe doesn't know much
19:53
about a disability finds out about, you know, that you have a
19:56
disability or chronic illness, they probably freak out because
20:00
that's probably, you know, the only thing about you that they
20:02
know. So it's like, OK, well, you
20:04
know, this is like their whole life.
20:07
And they probably freak out and run.
20:08
And those people are terrible. So you're mostly just filtering
20:13
out the bad guys that aren't right for you by disclosing.
20:17
But this app sounds great and it sounds perfect for people to
20:21
just be able to share as much as they want to about themselves in
20:24
a safe space. Is it an app primarily for
20:28
people with chronic illnesses and disabilities or is it for
20:31
non disabled people as well? Yeah, non disabled people are
20:35
more than welcome to join. About 10% of our users are non
20:39
disabled. A lot of those people have some
20:42
sort of connection to the community, whether it's like
20:45
their profession or a family member has a disability or do
20:49
they just like or like so many people have more than one dating
20:52
app on their phone. And so I think people are just
20:54
like, oh, let's just give it a shot.
20:57
And, you know, we invite people with all types of disabilities,
21:01
and the most common types are physical disabilities and
21:04
chronic illnesses. And it's just like a really
21:07
nice, welcoming place where you can just be yourself free of
21:12
judgement. And I think something that was a
21:15
misconception early on was that we were siloing or putting
21:19
disabled people in a corner and telling them that they could
21:21
only date each other. And that's definitely not what
21:23
we're saying. Like Jack On said, people have
21:24
multiple dating apps on their phone.
21:26
And also the disability community is so diverse that
21:29
even within the same diagnosis, it is one's experiences are
21:34
totally different from another person.
21:36
And so and they could really complement each other and, you
21:40
know, different diagnosis. And I just think that that
21:44
people just see what they see when they look in the mirror and
21:46
think that's what disability is. And I think that's really
21:49
normal. But people forget how
21:51
intersectional, how vast, how diverse disability is.
21:55
And so we're really not saying that.
21:57
We're just saying that this is a place where we're filtering out
22:00
the discrimination. We are creating a community
22:03
based on similar perspectives, similar life experiences,
22:07
similar outlooks, and hoping that it works.
22:10
And it has. We have over 35,000 users and
22:13
several success stories in two years that we've been, you know,
22:17
in existence. And so, you know, our instincts,
22:20
again, we're correct about that. And I just want everyone else to
22:23
realise that as well. That's incredible.
22:27
I mean, congratulations for building such a big community.
22:31
Have you heard any like, nice stories come from the app?
22:34
Like what has the response been since you launched?
22:37
Yeah, it's been great. Our favourite thing is when
22:40
people contact us to tell us that they are are dating and
22:45
that they say thank you to the Dateability for helping me find
22:49
my partner. You know, there are people who
22:52
are first time app users and they have said like either
22:58
either they, you know, are newly single and they are just trying
23:04
to get back in the dating game and download Dateability or
23:07
they've never dated before and Dateability is their first time.
23:12
And you know, some of our success stories, like there's a
23:16
couple who they're, they're about in their 50s, sixties, and
23:22
she was injured in a bicycle accident and he has Parkinson's
23:27
and their disabilities really complement each other.
23:31
And they have been dating, you know, for over a year and it's
23:35
been really beautiful. And they would have never met if
23:39
it wasn't for Dateability. And then we have another couple
23:42
who they're both on the autism spectrum and they, they're both,
23:47
they're both in this relationship and it's their
23:50
first time dating. And it's just a really beautiful
23:55
thing to witness. And now they've been, you know,
23:58
travelling the country together and experiencing life alongside
24:02
one another. That's so sweet and it's so nice
24:06
to see interabled couples just living their best lives.
24:09
I think the world needs to see more of that because they are
24:12
happening, but they're just not showcased that much.
24:15
And I love when things like that happen and you guys are
24:18
responsible. You guys are Cupid.
24:20
I love it. Yeah, it's a good feeling to
24:24
bring. You know, I think everyone wants
24:25
love and companionship, and there's a lot of societal
24:29
pressure to find your person and to date and to not be single.
24:33
Whether I agree with that or not, it is nice to bring
24:36
companionship to people who own it.
24:39
Yeah, and I think that dating can be really hard for a
24:44
disabled person, like the accessibility of it all.
24:48
And I know that they're a lot like for Gen Z, there's this big
24:52
push to get off the dating apps. But for people, for our
24:55
community, dating apps are really accessible.
24:58
They're convenient. It's a great way to build
25:01
virtual companionship. And so I don't personally, I
25:05
don't think dating apps are going anywhere, but especially
25:08
for our community where just the convenience and the
25:11
accessibility of having an online platform is
25:16
irreplaceable. Exactly, And I just thought as
25:20
well, you know, if you, if you guys ever, you know, met up with
25:24
someone that you're speaking to on the, on this dating app,
25:27
they'll know, they'll understand more about accessibility because
25:30
they've probably been there themselves.
25:32
So they'll be, you know, a lot more compassionate.
25:35
You don't have to explain like the awkward bits, you know,
25:38
they'll probably just already get it.
25:40
So there's a lot of pros to dating other disabled people as
25:43
well, which I love. You're, you don't share the same
25:47
diagnosis as them. You, you understand, you have a
25:49
basic understanding and so your curiosity or your questions,
25:55
your, what you need to know. It's coming from a different
25:58
place. I think it's coming from a more
25:59
intentional place and without any discriminatory, you know,
26:04
intentions. It's just, it's nice.
26:06
I think it's a relief. Yeah.
26:09
And I think that when I would date, if, if I had a certain
26:13
access need or accommodation, like you'd, I'd always have to
26:17
bring it up because I mean, like, what non disabled person
26:22
is going to ask someone if this is accessible to them or if they
26:27
need an accommodation? And, and so I always think like,
26:30
you know, there's nothing more attractive than someone being
26:33
like, do you have any accommodation needs?
26:36
Like is there anything I need to know about before we plan our
26:39
first date? I think that's that's a really
26:42
great way to start a relationship.
26:44
That's a green flag for sure. And have you guys experienced
26:48
this dating app? We are way too busy now to date
26:54
is really funny and ironic but I'm like I am dating my career
27:00
now and all my time is being spent on building data ability
27:05
for other people. But at some point I if things
27:08
will settle down and I'll be able to enjoy it as a user and
27:12
give someone like the proper time that they deserve.
27:18
I love that. That's so nice.
27:20
And I'm, yeah, it's so great to see you 2, absolutely smashing
27:24
it. And yeah, like I said, playing
27:27
Cupid for so many people out there, like you said, you know,
27:30
No2 diagnosis is the same, No2 disabilities the same.
27:33
But there's so much in common. Like most of the people I've
27:36
interviewed, they could have, you know, a range of different
27:40
disabilities, but we will find something in common, you know,
27:42
like they all understand each other.
27:45
They all have similar experiences, mostly negative
27:48
experiences with the public. But yeah, I, I guess I get a lot
27:53
of questions as a podcast host and a disabled person about
27:57
dating and I don't, I can't give them many answers because I'm
28:01
not dating right now. You know, I'm, I'm basically
28:03
married off. I've got my own partner.
28:06
I'm not in the dating scene. And I guess the most common
28:09
question I get is when do I tell someone that I'm dating for the
28:12
first time about my disability? And I guess I don't know if this
28:17
applies with online dating, but just in general, say you meet
28:20
someone for the first time on a first date.
28:23
Is this something that you would consider doing or do you think
28:26
it depends on the person? Like when would you advise would
28:31
be the right time to kind of disclose that information or
28:34
just give a little snippet of that?
28:36
I think it totally depends on like the situation you're in and
28:40
the other and the person you're on a date with.
28:42
And I've received the advice that you can disclose when it's
28:47
relevant and like you don't need to disclose right away.
28:51
I don't think that you're lying if you don't disclose and that
28:57
not everyone is going to disclose everything about them
29:00
on the first date. And so if you like need to, if,
29:03
if it does come up that you're disabled or you have a chronic
29:08
illness, I mean, if that's all you want to say, that's all you
29:11
have to say. Like you don't have to share any
29:12
diagnosis or any symptoms or manifestations of it.
29:18
You can be as broad or as specific as you'd like.
29:21
I think for me, I always would try to sugarcoat everything and
29:25
bring humour into it. And then sometimes it wouldn't
29:29
be taken so seriously or it just like would go over a person's
29:34
head and it's just like, it was like I never even said it.
29:39
And so it's a really tricky situation to be in because in
29:44
one way, like you don't want it to define you, but then also it
29:48
has shaped who you are. And that's how I felt.
29:51
Like I remember this one time someone said that they were from
29:55
Michigan and they asked me if I had ever been to Michigan.
29:58
And I'd only been there once. And it was for like this week
30:02
long therapy, doctor's thing. And but they didn't know I was
30:07
chronically ill. And so I was just like lied.
30:10
And I was like, no, I've never been to Michigan.
30:12
And when I really, I wanted to say like, yeah, but then they
30:15
would have asked me like why I was there.
30:17
And and then I was gonna go down a rabbit hole of having to
30:22
explain my chronic illnesses. And so it's there is just a lot
30:26
of pressure. And so I like, I think that
30:28
finding a place like datability where you don't have to disclose
30:32
is such a relief and such a such like a nice place to be in where
30:40
you can just be yourself. And like if you if disclosing
30:44
doesn't have to be like the scary thing where you have to
30:46
put so much thought into it. Yeah, you don't have to ask
30:49
yourself that question because people signing up for data
30:51
ability are going to expect that the majority of the people on
30:54
there are disabled or chronically ill or have some
30:57
understanding of it. And so that analysis doesn't
31:02
even really yeah, come into question if you.
31:05
Don't tell someone you're lying, then you're lying or you're
31:08
hiding it. And I don't believe that's
31:12
accurate. And I think that there's just,
31:16
it's just you don't need to be. You don't need to divulge all
31:20
the information about yourself in the early stages, but I also.
31:25
Think there's something to be said about if you're hiding it,
31:27
is it because you're ashamed? And I do think other people pick
31:30
up on that. So if I was on the dating apps
31:32
and I met with somebody who's a wheelchair user, but they left
31:36
their chair out of the picture and were chest up and never told
31:39
me and then showed up, I would wonder if they hid it because
31:42
they were ashamed. And then that would like, I
31:45
don't have any discrimination towards that, but that would
31:47
make me question because I want to date somebody like we all
31:50
have things we're insecure about, but I do want to date
31:52
somebody who like is sure of themselves.
31:55
And I would understand why they would, you know, I, I'm a little
31:58
different because I'd be like, oh, I get it because of
31:59
Jacqueline. Like I get why you did that, but
32:01
I could see the counter argument that like then there's this
32:06
automatic assumption that like you're ashamed.
32:08
And so I think it does matter how you present it and how you
32:11
go about it and like why you're not sharing.
32:13
Yeah, people will pick up on the energy.
32:17
You put it out and it's. Complicated there's no one right
32:21
answer and you know it changes from person to person and like I
32:26
said, diagnosis is diagnosis shotguns invisible disability.
32:29
So disclosure for her is more tricky than somebody who has
32:32
invisible disability where you can just tell off the bat.
32:34
That's sometimes like it can comes the pros and cons each of
32:38
them. But that's why we created data
32:41
ability so that we didn't have to.
32:43
We could save people the energy of going through this when
32:46
they're already, you know, using their energy for other things
32:50
that are more important things in this answering this question
32:53
for themselves. Yeah, exactly.
32:56
Well, that was very well said, both of you.
32:59
It's just nice to hear, you know, different perspectives and
33:03
and Jacqueline, I definitely relate with you.
33:04
You know, like if I explain my disability to a stranger, I do
33:07
kind of like joke about it a little bit, But I think that
33:11
then just makes them relax a bit into it knowing that, you know,
33:15
it's clearly not that serious. If I'm able to joke about it
33:18
and, you know, not say it as like some like dark secret, you
33:23
know, and it is nice in that way.
33:25
But also what you said Alexa about, you know, maybe not
33:29
disclosing it straight away or kind of hiding it.
33:31
I, I'm still struggling with, you know, because I do have an
33:35
invisible disability, but I do need mobility aid sometimes like
33:38
kind of coming out in that way and like showing off my mobility
33:42
aid to me. Like this is me.
33:43
Like I do have a disability. And you can just easily get in
33:48
your head about what other people will say and what they'll
33:51
think, but realistically they'll just be like, OK, well, that's
33:54
what she needs. That's fine, you know, So it's
33:57
still something I'm struggling with, even obviously not dating,
34:00
but just with friends or people that maybe I've just newly met
34:04
and they don't really know the full extent of my disability.
34:07
They know I've got something going on, but you know, if I
34:09
turn it up in a wheelchair, they'll be a bit shocked maybe.
34:13
So there is still that thing. But you know, it's always an
34:16
evolving relationship anyway, and hopefully the right people
34:20
in your life will accept that anyway, right?
34:24
If they don't, they're not the right people.
34:25
Yeah. Exactly.
34:27
Yeah, I'm loving this chat. I wish I could talk to you all
34:30
day. Is there anything else you
34:32
wanted to add? Any kind of misconceptions maybe
34:35
about dating with a disability that you'd like to?
34:37
Share Well, there's, I think there's so many misconceptions
34:41
and I think 1 is that, you know, United States, at least we don't
34:46
have marriage equality for disabled people.
34:48
And that's a big misconception of something deedability
34:50
eventually wants to change. If we can get disabled people,
34:54
you know, to create these relationships and kind of talk
34:57
about it more and put at the forefront of peoples minds,
35:00
maybe we can change policy afterwards.
35:03
But the thing about databilities, that is not just
35:05
for romantic relationships. You mentioned you know, friends
35:08
and talking to friends about your disability.
35:11
We have a looking for section on every profile and you can put
35:14
friendship and I think people are really open to that and not
35:18
weirded out by that at all or put off by it.
35:22
Eventually we do want to make an entirely separate platform for
35:25
just platonic friendships, but all types of connection and
35:28
companionship are welcomed and encouraged on datability and
35:32
have been experienced by our users.
35:34
Yeah, and disabled people deserve love and I would really
35:38
love to bridge the gap between the non disabled and disabled
35:42
communities. And of course disabled people
35:46
know that we all date and that we all have these desires to to
35:51
be in relationships. But it seems like the the non
35:55
disabled community is lagging behind and can still get
35:59
uncomfortable with conversations involving disability and
36:03
intimacy. And so just trying to get our
36:07
mission out in front of the non disabled community is really
36:11
important as well. I love that and please keep
36:15
doing the work that you're doing.
36:16
It's amazing. Keep sharing your online content
36:18
as well. Where can we find you on?
36:20
Social media, yes, you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at
36:24
Dateability App and on TikTok at Dateability.
36:29
And yeah, we're always here to answer any questions, get
36:33
feedback, and just connect with the community.
36:37
I'm kind of tempted to download the app, Don't tell my boyfriend
36:41
no. I just want to see what it's
36:43
like, you know? We're.
36:44
Actually, on that note, we just launched a an entire rehaul of
36:50
the app. So the app that has been out for
36:51
the 1st 2 1/2 years was the first iteration with minor
36:56
upgrades and improvements. And this was a whole new rewrite
36:59
with our new tech team design facelift gives it much more
37:03
personality, more sophistication, better
37:05
accessibility. And so we're really excited to
37:07
introduce that to you all. Amazing.
37:09
Well, thank you both so, so much for sharing a bit of an insight
37:14
into your lives about dating with a disability, which was a
37:17
topic that I had yet to cover on a balance.
37:19
So I'm really glad that we delved into that world today and
37:23
got to know you too. And dateability.
37:25
It's been really nice to hear your stories and we will
37:28
definitely have to keep in touch.
37:29
OK, if you guys watching or listening, enjoy today's
37:35
episode. Don't forget to like it.
37:37
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37:51
Thank you so much to Cure LGMD 2 I for sponsoring this podcast.
37:55
I will be back with you guys very soon with another episode
37:58
as always, but enjoy the next couple weeks.
38:01
Bye.