Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #72 Public Discipline

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#72 Public Discipline · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast. It's doctor Justin Coulson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luc and Susie our husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers now.
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  Speaker 2: Quite frankly, I don't know whether we talk enough about
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  Speaker 2: discipline and public discipline and parenting whether they should hit
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  Speaker 2: or talk or yell to their children. I think it's
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  Speaker 2: a subject that nobody gets upset about. Everyone's on the
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  Speaker 2: same page as there's nothing to see here, right. We've
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  Speaker 2: had a bunch of things come to the show about
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  Speaker 2: this very We have.
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  Speaker 1: A a couple of messages in particular, actually one from Sarah,
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  Speaker 1: one from Molina in different context, but this same same
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  Speaker 1: topic of public discipline of children. What is an appropriate
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  Speaker 1: way to discipline your children when you're in a public setting,
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  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Coulson from Happy Families dot com dot AU.
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  Speaker 1: We throw this one to you.
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  Speaker 3: Well, if people are watching, you've got to make it
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  Speaker 3: look serious. You've got to have the angry face, and
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  Speaker 3: you've got to raise your hand. You might not use it,
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  Speaker 3: but you've.
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  Speaker 4: Got to make it look like you're disciplining children.
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  Speaker 2: How to discipline your children in the public that's not
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  Speaker 2: that's not the point. What are they doing out of
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  Speaker 2: the dungeon.
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  Speaker 3: The alternative, of course, the public discipline is when you
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  Speaker 3: when you crouch down in front.
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  Speaker 4: Of your child and you've got a great big smile
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  Speaker 4: on your face so it looks like a conversation and
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  Speaker 4: you're seeing them. If you do that again, I'm going
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  Speaker 4: to tee your.
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  Speaker 2: With your thumb just a little harder than they're comfortable.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to take this away from the sarcast again
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  Speaker 1: because I was taught by someone.
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  Speaker 4: I went to university.
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  Speaker 1: I was taught by someone you praise your children publicly,
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  Speaker 1: you discipline them privately. So if your children misbehave in
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  Speaker 1: a public space, you take them away from the public
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  Speaker 1: space to address that behavior. Your thoughts, Doctor Justin Colson,
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  Speaker 1: the look on his face is says, well, I'd like
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  Speaker 1: to talk to that person.
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  Speaker 4: I was just listening.
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  Speaker 3: So I think that we need to get back to
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  Speaker 3: the fundamentals of what discipline is. Discipline and punishment are different,
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  Speaker 3: and I know we've talked about this. For punishment means
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to hurt someone because I don't like what
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  Speaker 3: they've done. Now I'm paraphrasing the dictionary there, But that's
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  Speaker 3: essentially it let me hurt you because you're upsetting me.
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  Speaker 3: I don't like the way you're behaving. You're challenging me,
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  Speaker 3: and I need to punish you for that. I need
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  Speaker 3: to make you pay a price. I need to take
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  Speaker 3: something away from you or hurt you because of what
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  Speaker 3: you're doing. Discipline means that we teach, we guide, we instruct,
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  Speaker 3: we show a better way, and so should we discipline
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  Speaker 3: our children in public? Absolutely, we should discipline whenever they
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  Speaker 3: need to be taught, guide and instructed. Of course, when
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  Speaker 3: there's an audience, children tend not to be particularly responsive
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  Speaker 3: to our efforts to teach them, guide them, and instruct them. Similarly,
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  Speaker 3: when we try to teach them, guide them, and instruct
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  Speaker 3: them and they're feeling a bit emotional about life, they
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  Speaker 3: tend not to take very much on.
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  Speaker 4: So I would suggest that, you know, let's say.
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  Speaker 3: You're in the shops, you've got half a trolley of
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  Speaker 3: groceries and you've got to get out of there, and
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  Speaker 3: one of the kid starts having them outdown because you
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  Speaker 3: won open up a packet of biscuits and let them
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  Speaker 3: have one.
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  Speaker 1: And mums everywhere are now turning up to listen to
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  Speaker 1: what you say.
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  Speaker 3: Next to lolli, you can go over and get a
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  Speaker 3: piece of free fruit, which supermarkets and offering them.
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  Speaker 4: But if you've got a child who is dead set
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  Speaker 4: I've got to have.
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  Speaker 3: A lollipop, then it's time for us as parents to
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  Speaker 3: set effective limits and to talk things through. So there's
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  Speaker 3: a few things that we can do in public. Number One,
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  Speaker 3: before you get there, explain what the expectation is. Now.
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  Speaker 3: It might be the park, it might be the shops.
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  Speaker 3: That could be the beach. It doesn't really matter where
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  Speaker 3: you're going or.
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  Speaker 4: What you're doing.
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  Speaker 3: Let the kids know ahead of time, and let them
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  Speaker 3: know when there's ten minutes to go, we're going to
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  Speaker 3: give you a ten minute warning. When there's five minutes
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  Speaker 3: to go, you get a five minute warning. When there's
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  Speaker 3: two minutes to go, you get a two minute warning,
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  Speaker 3: and then we've got to go. If everybody does the
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  Speaker 3: right thing, we'll have a happy time. If anyone loses
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  Speaker 3: the plot, I'm going to have to pick you up
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  Speaker 3: and carry it to the car. We don't want that,
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  Speaker 3: do it. So you know, you can pre arm. Let
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  Speaker 3: everyone know what's going on. We're going into the shops.
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  Speaker 3: You can have a three piece of fruit, but there
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  Speaker 3: are no lollipops. If that hasn't worked for whatever reason,
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  Speaker 3: the next thing you do is you validate how they feel. Now,
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  Speaker 3: I know this is exactly the opposite to what we
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  Speaker 3: want to do, because what we want to do is say.
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  Speaker 2: That's it, I've had enough to get over here, and
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  Speaker 2: would we want them to validate how we feel or.
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  Speaker 3: Just do what we say they need to do. But
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  Speaker 3: validation can go like this. I like the idea of
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  Speaker 3: giving them in fantasy what they can't have in reality.
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  Speaker 3: It's a wonderful way of saying I get where you're
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  Speaker 3: coming from. So this is something that I've done with
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  Speaker 3: my kids so many times we're in the shops. They
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  Speaker 3: want the lollipop. I say to them, lollipops are pretty good,
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  Speaker 3: aren't they. I like lollipops too. If you were gonna
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  Speaker 3: have a lollipop, which one would you choose? Wouldn't it
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  Speaker 3: be awesome if you could get one that was as
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  Speaker 3: big as your fist, as big as your head? And
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  Speaker 3: then I turned this thing where I'm showing them, I
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  Speaker 3: really get how awesome it would be to have that lollipop,
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  Speaker 3: and then I said to them, but you remember what
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  Speaker 3: we talked about before we showed up, don't you. We
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  Speaker 3: can have a piece of fruit or nothing, because we're
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  Speaker 3: not having treats because we've had too much sugar lately.
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  Speaker 3: And that sounds cruel to some people that are like,
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  Speaker 3: my goodness, you've just made all these almost promises. How
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  Speaker 3: good would it be to have this? And then you're
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  Speaker 3: saying no. But from an adult perspective, it makes sense
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  Speaker 3: as well. So I may have shared this with you
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  Speaker 3: once before. I'm looking to buy new house about a
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  Speaker 3: year ago. I'm flicking through the paper. I see a
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  Speaker 3: house for sale that's perfect. Lachlan and Sarah Murdoch as
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  Speaker 3: selling their bronze beachfront in Sydney. They only want thirteen
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  Speaker 3: and a half million dollars. It's only about thirteen million
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  Speaker 3: more than I've got. And I called out to Kylin
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  Speaker 3: and I said, Kylie, I found our house. And Kylie's
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  Speaker 3: my wife, by the way something and Clarie came over
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  Speaker 3: and she looked at it, and she could have said,
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  Speaker 3: how many times do I need to tell you?
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  Speaker 4: Would you stop looking at things that are just unaccessible? Inaccessible?
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  Speaker 3: You know, never She could have belittled me, she could
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  Speaker 3: have been angry with me, she could have just gone
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  Speaker 3: whatever and walked away. But instead she looked at those
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  Speaker 3: pictures and she said, my goodness, can you believe the
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  Speaker 3: view from the bathroom? Oh, my goodness, look at the
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  Speaker 3: way the living area, said that that.
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  Speaker 4: Is just gorgeous. And then she said, oh, Lachland and
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  Speaker 4: Sarah Murdoch thirty and a half million, So what would
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  Speaker 4: you like to do about it? Do you know what
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  Speaker 4: I mean? But she validated my feelings. You know how
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  Speaker 4: it feels.
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  Speaker 3: And when our kids losing the plot, Rather than trying
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  Speaker 3: to discipline them and tell them how it has to be,
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  Speaker 3: I think that it's much better if we try to
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  Speaker 3: work out what's going on for them and just show
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  Speaker 3: that we understand.
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  Speaker 4: You want to stay at the park. You're having so
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  Speaker 4: much fun. You wish you could ride your bike here
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  Speaker 4: all day.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we do demand that they live in our world
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  Speaker 1: a little bit. It doesn't hurt to live in theirs
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  Speaker 1: every now and then.
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  Speaker 3: If only to show some empathy before we impose our
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  Speaker 3: limits again. Now, the last point that I'll make is
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  Speaker 3: that if the kids really do need to be disciplined,
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  Speaker 3: that is if what's going on is unacceptable and needs
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  Speaker 3: to stop now.
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  Speaker 4: Perhaps they've pushed another kid over.
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  Speaker 3: In the park, maybe they're having an absolute melt down
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  Speaker 3: in the shops. In those instances, we just need to
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  Speaker 3: pick our child up and remove them from the scene.
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  Speaker 3: That might mean leaving the trolley at the service desk
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  Speaker 3: and saying to the nice lady, I'll be back in
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  Speaker 3: twenty minutes when my child has stopped melting down. Can
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  Speaker 3: you just put the ice cream back in the freezer
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  Speaker 3: and I'll be back soon, or just you know, leaving
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  Speaker 3: the park. And sometimes we do have to wrestle them
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  Speaker 3: and that kind of thing, and then we move away
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  Speaker 3: and we I mean, it doesn't matter whether they're two
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  Speaker 3: or twelve. Sometimes distraction or sometimes just a cuddle is
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  Speaker 3: the best thing, and once they've calmed down we can
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  Speaker 3: talk to what's really going on.
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  Speaker 4: Again.
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  Speaker 3: I need to say this so clearly our kids don't
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  Speaker 3: wake up in the morning and think, right, today's the day.
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  Speaker 4: I'm just going to wreak havoc.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to lose the plot when we go to
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  Speaker 3: the shops, because that's what I know will get the
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  Speaker 3: attention that I need.
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  Speaker 2: It seems like they do. When we had twins, it
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  Speaker 2: felt like they were having meetings every day. Okay, I
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  Speaker 2: was yes day, it's your turn today, and we have
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  Speaker 2: one perfect child one day, and then there'd be the
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  Speaker 2: other ones and they switch. They keep switching. I'm like,
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  Speaker 2: you're working this out, you can't give us one.
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  Speaker 1: Day and then actually they go, let's see what happens
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  Speaker 1: when we both do it together.
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  Speaker 4: Tag tea.
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  Speaker 3: But our kids need to be understood, and when we
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  Speaker 3: take the time to understand them and then work with
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  Speaker 3: them rather than do things to them, we can discipone
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  Speaker 3: them really effectively in public because they feel validated and understood,
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  Speaker 3: and we can work it out together as adults.
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  Speaker 2: If we really can't grasp what's going on around and
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  Speaker 2: we don't get what we want and someone says something
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  Speaker 2: that we don't sort of think is good for us,
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  Speaker 2: we throw adult tantrums all the time, like we actually
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  Speaker 2: are no different in our behavior. The difference is we
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  Speaker 2: as an adult, get the freedom to give ourselves the
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  Speaker 2: space to calm down, but it'd be the equivalent to
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  Speaker 2: jump too early with the discipline or the punishment would
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  Speaker 2: be the equivalent for as an adult getting upset with
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  Speaker 2: our boss and then the police coming and throwing us
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  Speaker 2: in jail and us not really knowing why. Like it's
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  Speaker 2: for them in their world of being able to understand
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  Speaker 2: what's going on around them. We need to find a
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  Speaker 2: way to give them that space and that calm down.
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  Speaker 3: It seems like we expect more of our children than
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  Speaker 3: we sometimes expect ourselves. I don't play of adults that
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  Speaker 3: have some pretty big tanties, and they do them in
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  Speaker 3: pretty public places on the road, for example, and it's
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  Speaker 3: not necessarily good at all. I think that we need
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  Speaker 3: to be able to manage ourselves so that we can
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  Speaker 3: actually work with our kids. And too many parents can't
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  Speaker 3: manage themselves and they get nervous. You know, you're in
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  Speaker 3: the shops, who are in the park. Your child starts
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  Speaker 3: to do something inappropriate, challenging, and we look around and
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  Speaker 3: we see twelve sets of eyes on us. What's that
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  Speaker 3: parent going to do? And so we need to look
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  Speaker 3: like we're disappointing our child. I think the best thing
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  Speaker 3: to do is give our child a hug.
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  Speaker 2: It's quite funny because there's people who are making millions
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  Speaker 2: of dollars right now teaching adults how to when you
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  Speaker 2: get upset take a breath, take a moment, remove yourself
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  Speaker 2: from the situation, and then re engage. Coming millions of
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  Speaker 2: dollars worth of guidance in that area. Whereas this exactly
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  Speaker 2: what you're talking about with your child. Let's teach them
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  Speaker 2: now to learn how to take a breath when they're
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  Speaker 2: upset and get distracted, get calm, and then re engage.
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  Speaker 4: And I'm doing it for Freeli go doctor.
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  Speaker 1: Just thank you so much for looking at public discipline
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  Speaker 1: of children with us.
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  Speaker 2: We really appreciate it.
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  Speaker 4: Thanks Lurk, Thanks Suzie.
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• 9:52
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• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Podcasts and subscribe so that you can hear every episode
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: as soon as it is uploaded. For more information on
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts, go
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if you'd
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: like to have doctor Justin Coulson speak at your school
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  Speaker 1: or event, go to Justinculson dot com.