Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1218 - Room Resets, Dust Bunnies & Waste Witches

Transcript

#1218 - Room Resets, Dust Bunnies & Waste Witches · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Every Friday on the Happy Families podcast, we review the
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  Speaker 1: week that was, what worked, what didn't, how we can
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  Speaker 1: be better parents. So glad you could join us for
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  Speaker 1: today's Friday edition of the Happy Families podcast, where we
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  Speaker 1: share real parenting solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded
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  Speaker 1: parenting podcast, we are Justin and Kylie Coulson and Kylie
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  Speaker 1: your King's off today with a story about our fifteen
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  Speaker 1: year old daughter.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe you dubbed her in.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, you weren't going to say who it was. I
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  Speaker 1: was going to say, Okay, And Kylie, you're sharing a
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  Speaker 1: story today about one of our six daughters, which one Oh, no,
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  Speaker 1: we won't say.
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  Speaker 2: A few nights ago, we decided that we needed to
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  Speaker 2: revisit some of the house rules.
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  Speaker 1: Sorry, Willie, this particular child.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe you just named her.
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  Speaker 1: Oh we're already there, now, carry on? What happened? Was
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  Speaker 1: I there or was I trying there?
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  Speaker 2: I was there, You were there, and she knew that
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  Speaker 2: it was coming. So she was already feeling a little
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  Speaker 2: bit heightened and she wanted to justify her behavior. And
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  Speaker 2: as we got talking, she came out with a doozy,
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  Speaker 2: and she said, remember, Mom, we had that conversation last year,
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  Speaker 2: last year, a whole year ago, last year, when I
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  Speaker 2: told you that you ignore me and Annie's your favorite.
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  Speaker 2: And after a pretty emotional day that I'd had, I
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  Speaker 2: was not prepared to have that conversation. And I looked
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  Speaker 2: at you and I said, I'm leaving. You can deal
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  Speaker 2: with this. I'm not dealing with this right now. And
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  Speaker 2: I left the room. Well after I had gone, I
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  Speaker 2: was thinking about how I dealt with this.
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  Speaker 1: Why are you looking at me like that? Because I
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  Speaker 1: don't remember this conversation. Was I even there? I know
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  Speaker 1: that you said that you left her with me. Did
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  Speaker 1: I talk to her after this? Yeah, Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 1: Did I have a good converse with me?
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  Speaker 2: I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: I have no recollection. I have been pretty wiped out.
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  Speaker 1: I've been doing so much travel on so many speaking engagements.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm genuinely I don't remember it. Anyway, you took
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  Speaker 1: some time out, you came back, apparently I don't recall.
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  Speaker 2: Well, no, I didn't come back.
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  Speaker 1: It took me a few days.
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  Speaker 2: I was really really frustrated. When you're doing the very
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  Speaker 2: best you can do and somebody tells you you're not
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  Speaker 2: doing enough. Yeah, it feels like an absolute personal attached
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  Speaker 2: I'm so.
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  Speaker 1: Glad it wasn't me that said it.
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  Speaker 2: At your integrity and just you're very being like So here,
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  Speaker 2: I have this child who takes so much of my time,
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  Speaker 2: and after yesterday's conversation all about favoritism, my child was
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  Speaker 2: essentially telling me I had a favorite and it wasn't her,
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  Speaker 2: and I felt really attacked. And so it took me
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  Speaker 2: a few days as I sat in that place and
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  Speaker 2: kind of was mulling over everything, and I clearly recognized
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  Speaker 2: that I hadn't handled the situation very well, and that
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  Speaker 2: in that moment when she was trying to express how
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  Speaker 2: she was feeling, I had actually turned it into something
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  Speaker 2: about me, as opposed to being able to sit in
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  Speaker 2: her hard place and hear her and allow her to
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  Speaker 2: share her feelings without taking it personally. So a few
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  Speaker 2: days later we were doing some work in her room.
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  Speaker 2: She's been waiting to have a bookshelf hung. I hung
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  Speaker 2: a bookshelf.
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  Speaker 1: I hung a bookshelf and it's still hanging back where
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  Speaker 1: it's me. If it had been me, I would never
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  Speaker 1: have been hung in the first place. But it certainly
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  Speaker 1: would be on the floor by now.
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  Speaker 2: So we were spending a bit of time decorating her
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  Speaker 2: room and spending time just you know, having a bit
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  Speaker 2: of a chat, and it occurred to me that now
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  Speaker 2: was probably a really good time to reconnect with that conversation,
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  Speaker 2: and so I just suggested to her that the other
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  Speaker 2: day she tried to share some really important and big
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  Speaker 2: emotions with me, and I wasn't I didn't have the
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  Speaker 2: capacity to hear her the way that she needed to
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  Speaker 2: be heard. And I said, one of the things that
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  Speaker 2: I've struggled with in the past is often when I
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  Speaker 2: have tried to share my big emotions with important people
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  Speaker 2: in my lives, they've made it about them. And in
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  Speaker 2: that moment, I made it about me. And I apologized
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  Speaker 2: to her, and I just said to her that I
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  Speaker 2: really wanted her to know that even though as a
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  Speaker 2: parent sometimes it's really hard to hear and have the
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  Speaker 2: mirror turned on yourself and recognize the parts of you
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  Speaker 2: that you'd prefer not to have to look at, that
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  Speaker 2: it gives us an opportunity to learn and grow together.
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  Speaker 2: And it was just this beautiful moment of connection. You know,
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  Speaker 2: she was completely I think shocked. Number one, that I
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  Speaker 2: was able to revisit it, but that I was able
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  Speaker 2: to acknowledge my mistake in that moment, my weakness, my
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  Speaker 2: inability in that moment to connect with her in the
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  Speaker 2: way that she needed to be connected with. And it
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  Speaker 2: was just this moment of realness that we got to
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  Speaker 2: share together, and I was so grateful for it. She
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  Speaker 2: came and gave me a really big cargon. We were
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  Speaker 2: able to have this beautiful conversation that flowed from that,
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  Speaker 2: just because I was willing to apologize.
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  Speaker 1: So when you look at that, what would you say
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  Speaker 1: is the take home message of the conversations that you
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  Speaker 1: had with her.
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  Speaker 2: That you don't remember being good?
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  Speaker 1: No, they were clearly quite challenging.
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  Speaker 2: The hardest thing as a parent is sitting in a
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  Speaker 2: place when your child is having big emotions that generally speaking,
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  Speaker 2: are pointed directly at you. It's really easy to take
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  Speaker 2: it personally, but it really is an opportunity for us
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  Speaker 2: to actually connect more deeply with our child. The very
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  Speaker 2: fact that she felt comfortable and safe to share that
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  Speaker 2: with me specifically in that moment, speaks volumes about her
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  Speaker 2: desire for deeper connection, but her trust that I'm a
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  Speaker 2: safe place for her to share that. And the biggest
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  Speaker 2: challenge we have as parents is in honoring in honoring
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  Speaker 2: them and their emotions.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, trust believing that the other person's going to acting
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  Speaker 1: your best interests. Really hard to get your kids to
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  Speaker 1: really believe that sometimes so important. Okay, Kylie, this is
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  Speaker 1: my old do better tomorrow. We had a family meeting
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  Speaker 1: on them and it was back on Sunday. Now it
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  Speaker 1: feels like forever ago and things. I've been traveling a lot,
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  Speaker 1: you've been under the pump, and you've been complaining to
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  Speaker 1: me a lot about our children. They don't pull their
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  Speaker 1: own weight, they don't pull anyone else's. Wait, either, you're
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  Speaker 1: pulling the whole family. You're keeping the family afloat while
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  Speaker 1: I'm out and working and helping everybody else to have
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  Speaker 1: a happy family. And so we sat down and we said,
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  Speaker 1: we're not going to talk about what's going well, what's not,
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  Speaker 1: and what we can focus on this week. We're just
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  Speaker 1: going to get back to a couple of foundational basics.
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  Speaker 1: So I looked at the kids and said to them,
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  Speaker 1: what do you want have family to feel like? And
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  Speaker 1: instantly the walls went up. So when we talk about
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  Speaker 1: these family meetings. Sometimes people think, oh, we just must
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  Speaker 1: have these glorious conversations where the kids sit around and
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  Speaker 1: smile and we talk about what's good and what's not
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  Speaker 1: so good, and we figure. It was challenging, it was confrontational,
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  Speaker 1: and we had a couple of kids in particular who
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  Speaker 1: were reluctant to participate.
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  Speaker 2: Might be an understatement, well, there was contension between them,
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  Speaker 2: which meant that their reluctance to participate was heightened.
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  Speaker 1: And whenevere, whenever one of them tried to participate, the
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  Speaker 1: other one would go whatever, I roll their eyes. I'm like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: my goodness, so much contempt. It's just terrible. So eventually
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  Speaker 1: one of the kids refused, refused to say what she
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  Speaker 1: wanted the family to feel like, and you stepped in
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  Speaker 1: and said, well, rather than using words to describe what
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  Speaker 1: I want the family to feel like, maybe I can
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  Speaker 1: paint a picture. And so you talked about what matters
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  Speaker 1: to you sitting around the table, playing games and telling
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  Speaker 1: jokes and having fun. And I talked about being a
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  Speaker 1: little bit more physically active and wrestling and playing and
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  Speaker 1: going to the beach. And so there's words like we
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  Speaker 1: want kindness, or there's word pictures like we've just described.
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  Speaker 1: And eventually, I mean, it took us way too long.
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  Speaker 1: I reckon twenty minutes, maybe thirty. And finally she began
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  Speaker 1: to participate and we really started to put together some
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  Speaker 1: ideas about how we can work together as a team
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  Speaker 1: to make our family function better. It was great. Then
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  Speaker 1: we stepped into part two. I want the kids to
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  Speaker 1: do hard things. I believe that doing hard things is
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  Speaker 1: necessary so that you can enjoy life and feel happy
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  Speaker 1: about life. And it was about that point that you
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  Speaker 1: fell asleep on the couch.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, I'm just saying.
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  Speaker 1: In the middle of our family meeting. For years, about.
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  Speaker 2: Four years, this was you to force.
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  Speaker 1: Team all the time.
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  Speaker 2: And now I would run the meeting the meeting, but
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  Speaker 2: now you're running the meat are supposed to go for
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  Speaker 2: ten to twenty minutes. You can't do anything at ten
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  Speaker 2: or twenty minute.
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  Speaker 1: Kids are just such hard work. Oh my goodness. So
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  Speaker 1: you're snoring on the couch with your mouth open, your
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  Speaker 1: head tills and back. The kids are like, if we
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  Speaker 1: don't want to do anything hard, I'm like, no, you've
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  Speaker 1: got to do hard things. Look, we're doing hard things
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  Speaker 1: all the time in our family. Mum and then you're asleep,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm like, Mum's trying to do a hard thing
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  Speaker 1: by getting through this meeting. So we finally got that
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  Speaker 1: part done. I said, all right, we need to talk
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  Speaker 1: about contribution. We've had this sort of We've gone through
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  Speaker 1: periods over the years of having a chort chart and
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  Speaker 1: not having a chor chart, and we certainly don't do
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  Speaker 1: rewards and things, but just having do we let people
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  Speaker 1: just pick their responsibilities on a day to day basis
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  Speaker 1: and invite them to contribute to the house wherever they
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  Speaker 1: can or do we have specified tasks. The last six
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  Speaker 1: to nine months we've had just help out and nobody's
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  Speaker 1: doing anything. You and I are doing all of it.
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  Speaker 1: I shouldn't say they're doing stuff, but they're not very sporadic.
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  Speaker 1: We're not getting what we need. And so I pulled
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  Speaker 1: out the old chour charts and I said, all right,
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  Speaker 1: let's make a list. Let's make a list and you
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  Speaker 1: woke up for this. Let's make a list of every
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  Speaker 1: chore that needs to be done.
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  Speaker 2: I think I was woken.
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  Speaker 1: We wrote down the chores and then I said, who's
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  Speaker 1: going to volunteer for what? And within about ten minutes
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  Speaker 1: fifteen minutes. There was a lot of doing and throwing.
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  Speaker 1: The kids had essentially said, yep, got it, we're onto it.
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  Speaker 1: We can do the chores. And I decided that I
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  Speaker 1: was going to be creative because we do have some
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  Speaker 1: challenges with the kids and their chores. So I jumped
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  Speaker 1: into my AI and said, I need some fun names
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  Speaker 1: for the chores that the kids are going to be doing.
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  Speaker 1: I just feel like with these jobs that they're doing,
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  Speaker 1: if we just say dishes, that's boring. So let me
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  Speaker 1: share these with you. I think they're really really fun.
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  Speaker 1: They're cheesy, but they're fun, and the kids seem to
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  Speaker 1: be buying it first off. And he is going to
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  Speaker 1: be doing the folding, but we're calling that garment geometry.
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  Speaker 1: And all the kids have to reset their rooms. That's
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  Speaker 1: what we're calling it. It's a room reset. The one
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  Speaker 1: daughter who wasn't there, we gave her the job of dusting.
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  Speaker 1: She's the dust bunny, although the following day when I
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  Speaker 1: told her she was the dust bunny, she said, I
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  Speaker 1: don't have time. I'm just helping out where I can
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  Speaker 1: when I can. And well, we have the clothesline, command
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  Speaker 1: center and the puppy restaurant manager and my favorite for
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  Speaker 1: Miss Emily. She is the waste Witch and she loves.
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  Speaker 2: It when you put it into AI. It actually came
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  Speaker 2: up with the waste Wizard, and she was like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: that sounds awesome. Actually, can I be a wast Witch?
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  Speaker 1: And I was like, you can be whatever you want
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  Speaker 1: so long as you empty the bins. I don't care.
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  Speaker 1: So she's the wist Witch and she's also the Dining
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  Speaker 1: Surface superhero and she goes on plate patrol every day
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  Speaker 1: as well. It's working.
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  Speaker 2: She's been amazing.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're only weekend. She's like, I just want to
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  Speaker 1: get it done so I can tick all of these boxes.
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  Speaker 1: So good. The other kids are doing it. They're doing
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  Speaker 1: it without come plane. We're a weekend. There are also
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  Speaker 1: being kind to each other. The family meeting is I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to say, I'm going to say it's working. We'll
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  Speaker 1: sit down again on Sunday and we'll talk about how
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  Speaker 1: well it's gone, and we'll do our normal three questions
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  Speaker 1: what's going well, what's not, and what can we work on?
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  Speaker 1: But generally speaking, at this point, I'm pretty satisfied that
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  Speaker 1: the kids are having a good crack.
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  Speaker 2: The real magic of family meetings. Isn't the one off,
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  Speaker 2: it's the consistency. It's the weekend week out meeting together
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  Speaker 2: and holding everybody accountable for the things that we've agreed
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  Speaker 2: upon the previous week. That's where the magic comes.
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  Speaker 1: We really hope that there's some insbo here, either in
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  Speaker 1: apologizing to your kids and having the big conversations or
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  Speaker 1: having the family meetings getting stuff nailed down, recognizing that
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  Speaker 1: sometimes you do have to push through, you do have
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  Speaker 1: to do the hard stuff. That's the reality of family life.
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  Speaker 1: But it's worth it when you get there. We promise,
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  Speaker 1: thanks so much for listening, and have a wonderful, wonderful weekend.
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  Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Rulan for
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  Speaker 1: Bridge Media and if you more information about making your
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  Speaker 1: family happy at visitors at happy families dot com dot
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  Speaker 1: you