Latest / The Breakfast Club / If You Knew Better: Lil Durk's Mom LaShawnda Woodard Knows the Hardest Person to Forgive Is Yourself

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If You Knew Better: Lil Durk's Mom LaShawnda Woodard Knows the Hardest Person to Forgive Is Yourself · The Breakfast Club

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to If You Knew Better with Amber Grimes, a
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: production of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. I
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: feel like everything that has happened is my fault. I
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: blame myself for everything that's happening. I blame myself for...
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: my son getting killed. And I blame myself for my
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: son being... Locked up. LaShonda, hi. Welcome to the show.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. I'm excited
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: to have you. One, because I'm becoming a mommy. Yeah.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: And so I really wanted to learn from you and
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  Speaker 1: just speak to you because you speak so honestly and
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: gracefully about parenting. Yes. But also one of the things
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: I commend about you as a mother, it's a beautiful
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: thing to share The life you have before kids while
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: with your kids here. I think a lot of the
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: times moms and dads, they become parents. Yes. And you
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: almost forget that they're humans, right? That they were humans
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  Speaker 1: before you. They had a life before you. Yeah. Mama
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: had a life before you were here. And sometimes you
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: don't ever learn anything about your parents until either they're
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: not here anymore or there's just secrets that you're stuck
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  Speaker 1: with and you have nobody to ask and You poured
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: a lot of your life, your younger life, into this book.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I just wanted to commend you and say I'm so
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  Speaker 1: proud of you as a parent and for being brave
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  Speaker 1: enough to share the things that you share in this
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  Speaker 1: book because I know that wasn't easy. No, it wasn't.
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  Speaker 1: I really thank you and appreciate it. As a teen mom,
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: we go through a lot. Now, a lot of people say, oh,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: she was a teen mom or use it as an
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: excuse of, being a bad parent or not knowing how
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  Speaker 1: to be a parent. But as I was growing up,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: bypassing being a teen mom, when I grew older, I
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: seen a lot of teen moms. I'm talking about hustling
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: teen moms, like getting on a bus with their kid
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  Speaker 1: with a backpack on, on their way to school versus
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  Speaker 1: me using it as an excuse not to go to
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: school Because I got pregnant and became a teen mom.
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  Speaker 1: But there's some teen moms out there that I've seen
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  Speaker 1: that was really, really doing it. And I was like, wow,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: you know, and I commend them. Like I said, it
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: was just getting on the bus, going to school with
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  Speaker 1: the stroller, holding up the bus. You know how you
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: get mad? Holding up the bus like, oh, come on.
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  Speaker 1: She got the stroller with the baby, but she was
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  Speaker 1: hustling maybe and getting on to school, dropping her baby
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  Speaker 1: off to the babysitter. and on her way to school.
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  Speaker 1: So I commend moms like that, teen moms like that.
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  Speaker 1: Is that something that, I don't prefer the word regret
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  Speaker 1: at all, but something that kind of plagues you thinking,
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  Speaker 1: you know, should you have stayed in school? Are there
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  Speaker 1: things you should have tried to do instead of pouring
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  Speaker 1: your all into being a teen mom? I would change
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  Speaker 1: a lot of things. I wouldn't change being a parent,
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  Speaker 1: a teen parent. I love my kids. We grew together,
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  Speaker 1: you know. And as I was getting older, I was
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  Speaker 1: still learning. Even though my mom was always there, like,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: in my ear of do this, do that, don't do this,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: don't do that. And it went in this ear and
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: it came out the other. But as I got older,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I realized, like, wow, she was teaching me, you know,
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  Speaker 1: and I didn't take heed to that. And it's okay
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  Speaker 1: because you have a lot of people that's like that.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: And it's okay. But I learned a lot from it.
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  Speaker 1: Do you have more understanding for your kids as you
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  Speaker 1: are raising them? Yeah. Knowing that you weren't listening either
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  Speaker 1: to your mom. They never listen. And I look at
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: them like, then I have to look at myself like, well, Shonda,
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  Speaker 1: you didn't listen. So, of course, it's just going to
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: be like a replay. I think kids always think they know,
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  Speaker 1: you know. And when you listen to the things your
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  Speaker 1: mom tell you, you're like, oh, my God. lady be
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  Speaker 1: quiet I got this and you think about it as
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  Speaker 1: I got older I thought about it I'm like dang
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  Speaker 1: she was telling me and I wasn't listening and now
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  Speaker 1: that I listen and I just thank her I just
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  Speaker 1: thank my mom for everything that she said I thank
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  Speaker 1: my grandma too my grandma laughed I'm getting off track
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  Speaker 1: but my grandma laughed so we laughed so hard together
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  Speaker 1: um I was in high school and she was like, well,
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  Speaker 1: what you going to be? And I said, well, I
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  Speaker 1: want to be a doctor or a lawyer. You know,
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  Speaker 1: that's not what everybody says. And she just started cracking
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: up so hard. I'm like, what's up? And I'm like,
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  Speaker 1: a doctor or a lawyer. She was like, that's what
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  Speaker 1: everybody say. You know, you telling me something that I
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: want to hear. She was like, like, what do you
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  Speaker 1: want to be? Like, seriously, what do you want to be?
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  Speaker 1: And I never knew. Honestly, I never knew what I
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  Speaker 1: wanted to be. But as I got older and my
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: kids got older. They always knew what they wanted. It
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: was just me. I never knew what I wanted to be.
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  Speaker 1: You felt like they always knew or they were ambitious.
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  Speaker 1: What part did you play in that though? Because they're
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: in the house with you so they had to get
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  Speaker 1: some of that ambition from mom. I think it was
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: more so of my mom. We was in the house
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  Speaker 1: with my mom so my mom and my brother was
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: basically raising them. They always knew And Dirk always knew
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  Speaker 1: what he wanted to be. And I'm like, what else
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  Speaker 1: do you want besides a rapper? And he said he
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  Speaker 1: wanted to play ball. And he did. And then I
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  Speaker 1: guess he let people in his ear, oh, you're too short,
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  Speaker 1: you won't make it in the NBA. So he focused
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  Speaker 1: more so on his music. And that's what he did.
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  Speaker 1: And he worked hard at his craft, very hard. on
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  Speaker 1: his own, by himself, him and his brother. I supported
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  Speaker 1: him 100%. If he said this is what he wanted
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  Speaker 1: to do, then I supported him. I gave him what
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  Speaker 1: he needed, like money for his studio time. And he
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  Speaker 1: always asked me, I always say it in all my interviews,
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  Speaker 1: for the studio time, I guess it was $ 50. I
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  Speaker 1: had 40, never had 50. I had 45. I had 30.
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  Speaker 1: I never, ever had $ 50 to give him. And we
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  Speaker 1: talk about it to this day and we laugh about it.
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  Speaker 1: And he say, now look now, ma. And I'm just
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  Speaker 1: so proud of him. How did you nurture all your kids' differences? Because,
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  Speaker 1: you know, they say you can have a, you can
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  Speaker 1: grow up with a brother or sister and everybody kind
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  Speaker 1: of has a different life. Everybody has a different experience
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  Speaker 1: in the house. How did you I guess create understanding
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  Speaker 1: for all of your kids, different personalities, dreams, goals, things
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  Speaker 1: that they were doing in school, like in school or not,
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  Speaker 1: you know, how did you, how did you do that?
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  Speaker 1: I handled them individually. Okay. Um, of course all of
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  Speaker 1: them was different. Um, my son, um, that has D thing,
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  Speaker 1: he was more ambition. Oh man, he loves school. Like
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  Speaker 1: majority of the kids, my kids, I had to wake
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  Speaker 1: him up and come on, get up, and it's time
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  Speaker 1: to go. But D-Thing, no. He knew that he had
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  Speaker 1: to get up and go to school, you know, like
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  Speaker 1: versus my other kids, like five more minutes, ten more minutes,
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  Speaker 1: you know. D-Thing was out the door, honey. He loved school.
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  Speaker 1: He knew what he wanted. And when he finished school,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: like everybody was so proud of him. Everybody was proud.
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  Speaker 1: He was so proud of himself. You know, because he
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  Speaker 1: accomplished something on his own. And that's your oldest? Oldest son, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: How was your connection with him just different, knowing that
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  Speaker 1: he'd been growing up with you since you were 17
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  Speaker 1: years old? We butt heads a lot. He was the
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  Speaker 1: type of kid that knew everything, I would say. He
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  Speaker 1: knew everything. You couldn't tell him nothing. He already had
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  Speaker 1: everything all figured out. He will listen to you and
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  Speaker 1: take your advice or whatever, but he had everything figured
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  Speaker 1: out and mapped out and just ready to go. You
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  Speaker 1: couldn't tell him nothing about what he wanted or how
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  Speaker 1: to do it to get it. He knew it. What's
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  Speaker 1: your favorite memory of him? His smile. Yeah, his smile.
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  Speaker 1: Just like Dirk. Million dollar smile. And what I wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: give to Have an argument with him. We used to
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  Speaker 1: butt heads all the time. I'm telling him not to
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  Speaker 1: do this. Or he shouldn't do that. Even though he's
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  Speaker 1: grown or whatever. But as a mom you're still going to.
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  Speaker 1: Be in his ear about. What he shouldn't do. What
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  Speaker 1: he should do. Focus on this. Don't focus on that.
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  Speaker 1: And they'll listen. But they don't listen. Like I did.
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  Speaker 1: One ear one out the other. But he kind of.
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  Speaker 1: He listens to you, voices his opinion, and then go
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  Speaker 1: do whatever he's going to do, regardless of what you're
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  Speaker 1: talking about. That's a really beautiful thing for you to
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  Speaker 1: have gratitude for all the moments, right? Even the ones
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  Speaker 1: that weren't so good. How do you deal with that
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  Speaker 1: as a parent, the loss of a child? You don't.
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  Speaker 1: You don't deal with it. I'm in the phase now
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  Speaker 1: of trying to manage it. But for right now, there's
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  Speaker 1: no such thing of getting over it. There's no such
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: thing of dealing with it. It's a constant, like, ache
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  Speaker 1: in your heart and I don't know like I'm at
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: the point where I'm confused I'm hurt I'm depressed um
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: it's unbelievable I still wake up and be like like
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: is this real um I don't know how to deal
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: with it um right now and it's been five years
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  Speaker 1: And it's like yesterday. And I don't know how to
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: deal with it. And going through something like that as
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  Speaker 1: a mom, you know, your job is to be there
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: for everybody else. Yeah. Because they lost a brother and
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: they lost a grandson. Who takes care of mom. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And I feel like I wouldn't want to put the
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  Speaker 1: pressure on, like, my husband. I don't put the pressure
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  Speaker 1: on my kids. Yeah. I'd rather, like, keep it to
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  Speaker 1: myself and my husband fuss all the time. Like, that's
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  Speaker 1: what I'm here for. I know what you're going through.
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  Speaker 1: Let's talk about it. And most of the time, I
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  Speaker 1: just close myself off and be like, no, I'm okay. No,
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  Speaker 1: I'm not okay. I cry every day until to this day.
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  Speaker 1: And what I do is I cry in the shower,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: whereas nobody know, you know what I'm saying, that I
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: didn't cry because my face is wet and, you know.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: And then at nighttime, I just wait until, you know,
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  Speaker 1: the lights are off, and I cry then. And a
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: lot of people tell me, oh, you need to go
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: see a therapist. For me, therapists work for a lot
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: of people. I'm not knocking them at all. But for me,
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: if you haven't lost a child, you can't help me.
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  Speaker 1: That's my mindset. Like, that's how I feel. You can't
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  Speaker 1: help me because you don't know what I'm going through.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: Is there a community of moms who do understand or
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: just anybody that you felt safe to speak about that with?
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Or is it just... It probably is. And I'm working
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: towards something like that. Because the moms will be the
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: only people that could... I wouldn't say help me, but
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: we can compare our pain or what we go through with...
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: How do we go about managing our pain? I tell
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  Speaker 1: a lot of people like I have an eating disorder
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: and people don't believe me. And when I tell you
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  Speaker 1: I eat to comfort my pain and people laugh like, no,
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  Speaker 1: you look good and da, da, da. I'm like, no,
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  Speaker 1: trust me. I eat. And I try to eat my
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: pain away. It's a comfort for me. It's a comfort.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: How do we Now that I have this addiction, how
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: do I manage that? So it's one problem after another.
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  Speaker 1: And at my age, I'm not supposed to eat Flamin'
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: Hots with pickles all day. Noodles with the little Bodak sauce.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: I'm not supposed to have that. You know what I'm saying?
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: And I'm not talking about one or two packs. I'm
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: talking about three and four. Knowing it's not right, you know.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: So I'm going through and dealing with a lot. So
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: at one point, I'm going to get it together and
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: try to manage it and fix it. I know that
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: you went through moments that you didn't understand as a
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: younger girl, crying in your room and not really being
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: able to tell anybody why or understanding why you felt sad.
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  Speaker 1: Does that take you back there at all? Yeah. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: It stems from that. Like, I never knew what depression was.
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  Speaker 1: And I never said anything. Like, crying for no reason.
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  Speaker 1: Not knowing why I'm sad. Like, why? And then after
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: I had D-things, I think it got a little worse.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: Cried all the time with my baby. And I never
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: said anything to my mom. But my mom will always
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: ask me, like, are you okay? You good? And I'm like, yeah,
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: I'm happy. And, you know, I always let people know, like,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: that I'm happy. But on the inside, I'm just telling
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  Speaker 1: them something just to, you know, let them know that
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  Speaker 1: I'm okay so they won't keep asking me the same
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: thing over and over again. But I'm not. And what
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: have you learned about depression now, if enough, to... to
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: try to manage it better than you did when you
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: were 13, 14 years old. So I was, I've been depressed.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: So I'll wait till my husband go to work. Um,
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: cause he'll come home and be like, um, you've been
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: out the bed. Um, have you eaten anything? Have you
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: gotten a shower? Whatever. So, uh, one time I didn't
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: shower for a long time. And he came in, he
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: was like, well, what is the smell, you know? And
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: it was me. So when he said something, I'm like, damn,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: is it that bad? And he was like, yeah. So
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: I had started from there to like try to make
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: myself get up and like, okay, get in the shower.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: So I started that to get in the shower, like, okay,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: get in the shower, look in the mirror, tell yourself
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: you're okay. every day, just to try to boost yourself up.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: And I started it and then everything was going fine.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: And then after a while, I'm like back down, you know,
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: couldn't wait till nighttime come so I could be in
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: the dark with the cover over my face. Couldn't wait
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: till my husband go to sleep because he know if
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: I'm crying or not. So I'm like, oh my God,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: go to sleep. So when he go to sleep, I
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: can just ball out and just until I just fall
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: asleep or until I just get tired. I love that
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: he does that because a lot of it is just,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: you know, finding some type of routine that you can
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: attach to and make yourself feel normal and like you're
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: having a good day. I have dealt with depression before
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: and in the same way of it's like, man, I
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: don't know why I don't feel like doing anything today,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: but I'm about to watch Desperate Housewives. There's a lot
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: of seasons of that. It'll take you right through, you know?
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And I don't, I think people don't, don't really understand
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: what depression, people don't understand what depression feels like, but
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: absolutely don't always know what depression looks like. And you think,
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: you know, you're here today. You absolutely smelling good, looking
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: good and all of the things, by the way, you know,
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: so for your husband to be able to pick up
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: on these irregularities that you're having, it's such a beautiful thing, but,
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: is your depression different? You feel like after suffering a
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: loss and it's like, it's something that's building up or
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: does it feel the same as the type of depression
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: that was making you cry when you were 14? I
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: feel like we don't always talk about the depth of
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: it and how it can, depression can be new. You
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: talked about being 17. We didn't talk about postpartum depression.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: That was a whole different version that you were probably
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: dealing with and nobody was talking to you and you
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: weren't saying anything. Um, What have those layers of depression
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: felt like for you? I think the time before D-Thing,
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: I don't know where it come from. I just know
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: and I remember crying all the time for no reason.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: So when I had D-Thing, I was like crying even more,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: but I knew to hide it more than as a kid.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: I know it sounds crazy, but As a kid, of course,
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: you're going to have it. You can have it a
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: little bit. But as you get older, you can have
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: it way more, way more. And I think that's what
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: I did. I hid it way more. I get people
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: thinking I was okay and I was happy about it.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: I think it got worse once I had my baby, yeah.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: It definitely got worse. I was at the point like, okay,
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: what am I going to do? Now you want to
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: do everything in the world. after you have your baby,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: knowing you could have did it prior. Oh, now I
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: want to go work. I want to do this. I
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: want to finish school. I want to go this. Now
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: I'm like, now I can't do it because I have
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: my baby. Now I have to wait until my baby
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: get this age to do it. It was just so much.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: And it was just piling on and stacking and stacking
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: and stacking. Because at that time, I'm like, okay, I
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: want to do this. I want to do that. Oh,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: but Shauna, you didn't want to do that before then.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: But now you want to do it after you have
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: the baby. And now that you have a baby and
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: you're mad, you're thinking, okay, I can't do nothing. But
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: it was so many resources. Like my mom, when I
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: say my mom had my back, I don't know what
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I would've did. without my mom and my brother. Man,
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: when you say a village, that was my village right there. Yeah.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: My mom was everything. My mom took care of my kids,
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: fed my kids. And at some point, I was like, okay.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Of course we all in the same house. Okay, I'm
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: going to go outside and go do that. Oh, I'm
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: partying and going here and going there. I was like,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: wait a minute. When I babysit, you're going to either
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: go to school or you're going to work. I'm not
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: here to be babysitting as you in the street partying
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: or whatever, doing whatever you want to do. She said,
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: it don't work like that, honey. And then I had
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: to regroup again. Bam, there go another baby. I'm like, oh,
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: my God. I was just defeated then. Like, dang. You
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: were hard on yourself. Yeah. Why is that? Because I
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: knew I could have did better. I had my resource,
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: my mom, in my ear telling me, you need to
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: do this. When I had my first baby. You need
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: to do this. You need to figure out what you're
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: going to do. You have a baby now. You got
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: to raise your baby. And you can't raise your baby
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: off no restaurant job. So you need to go to school,
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: get your career, and get it going so that you
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: can raise your baby and get him out the neighborhood
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: at that time. Oh, I had plenty of time, ma,
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: in my head, you know. Plenty of time. I ain't
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: had that much time. Because, bam, there go another one.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: And then there go another excuse. Were you taking into
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: account some of the things that you had to deal
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: with younger? You're very hard on yourself, but some of
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: the things that you experienced weren't normal for a young
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: girl to experience. No. I went through a lot. Like
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: the guy I talk about in my book with the
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: sexual assault. Like I blamed myself for a long time
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: for that because my mom, I think my mom was
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: the oldest mom out of all the girls I hung with.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: I think she was the oldest. Yeah, she was the oldest.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: So she was more so on my butt about everything.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: And I couldn't wear certain clothes. Like I wanted to,
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: you know, when you go to the party, you just
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: want to put on your makeup and whatever, whatever. So
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: I go to my friend's house, change my clothes, and
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: put my makeup on or whatever. And when it happened,
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I felt like it was my fault because I shouldn't
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: have did that. Did I attract him to me with
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: the short shorts I had on and the lipstick I
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: had on and the eyeliner I wanted to wear so bad?
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Did I trigger him? You know, and I blame myself.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: A long time for that. A long time. Have you
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: reconciled with that, that that was not your fault at all?
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: And a grown man needs to know how to control
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: himself and be an adult, no matter what someone's wearing
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: or doing or saying, that that's not your fault at all? No,
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: I haven't dealt with that yet. No. No, not yet.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'll work towards it, you know, to say, no,
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: it wasn't your fault. No, but I haven't dealt with
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: that yet. Yeah. I hear you, you know, I love
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: accountability more than anybody, but you've you're not responsible for
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: taking accountability for, for everything. And it's possible that things
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: happen to you that are out of your control. And,
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm, I'm just listening to you, but you're,
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: as a young girl, you're not accountable for someone not
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: being able to control themselves, especially someone older than you.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: They're taking advantage of you. Um, you know, and that,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: that makes me sad to, to hear, um, But that
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: is not your fault and that is not normal. So
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: you said, okay, so you said like, if I had
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: on regular clothes with no makeup that I had on,
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: would he still would have did what he did or
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: he wouldn't did what he did? I'm saying that there's
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: no type of, clothes, makeup, lack thereof that you could
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: have or have not been wearing that makes it okay
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: for a grown man to take advantage of a young girl,
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: especially someone that you trusted and someone who has the
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: trust of others. And I'm saying that is not your fault. Yeah.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: That is not your fault. You know what's the most
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: normal thing? Young girls going into the bathroom and changing
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: their clothes because their mom didn't want them to wear shorts. Okay. Okay?
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: Because I was the queen of changing in the school bathroom. Okay? Okay.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: You know what's normal? Young girls sneaking eyeliner. Yeah. And
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: putting it on and coming with the raccoon eyes because
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: we know we weren't supposed to have it on. Right? Right.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: This is normal. Me and you were laughing about this.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: We've had the same childhood. We all wanted to be,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: you know, little, we wanted to be cute. The over-sexualization
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: of Black girls, young Black girls is not normal. Okay.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: That's not our fault. Okay. That's not your fault. Okay.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: And I try to sometimes, like, put that in my mind, like... Like, no,
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: it's not your fault. And sometimes I be okay with it.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: But then sometimes I think about it like the shorts.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: It was the shorts. And then I'm like, no, it
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: wasn't the shorts. It was the lipstick and the eyeliner
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: that made him think that I was older. So I
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: play it back in my head. And then sometimes I
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: just leave it alone. Like, okay, whatever. And see, that's
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: the part, too. People deal with sexual assault at all ages,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: you know, from people that they trust, from people. You
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: can be sexually assaulted by someone you live with, by
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: a spouse. Even if he thought you were older, did
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: you give him permission to touch you? No. No. I
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: thought he was cool because he's the choir director. The
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: choir director. And I never, ever said anything like, who's
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: going to believe me? Because you snuck and changed your clothes.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Who going to believe me? Oh, he's in the church.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: Who's going to believe me? You know, so I just
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: kept it to myself until I wrote my book and
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: just wrote about it and thought that it would, it
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: did help me a little bit, but in my mind
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: it's still my fault. I think that's the power of
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Saying it out loud, no matter how long it takes, right?
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Because it's not your fault either that it took this
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: long for you to feel confident enough or brave enough
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: to say something or to write about it. Yeah. That's okay.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: In this lifetime, you got around to sharing it. Yes,
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: I did. And I think saying it out loud, which
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: is why people who do things like this don't want
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: you to, because there's going to be somebody to tell you, hey,
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: that's not okay. I think a lot of people who
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: experience this are always... more concerned about all the people
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: who won't believe them and think very little about the
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: person who's going to say, who did what? That's not okay.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: That's not normal and straight to jail, sir. And that's
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: why so much of this goes unsaid because the minute
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: you hear someone say, you know, you're lying, you're done. Yeah. Yeah.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: But to a young girl right now who's experienced what
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: you've experienced, What would you say to her? Would your
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: advice be to speak up or to deal with this
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: for decades? Open your mouth. Tell someone. Tell a friend.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: Tell a sister. Tell a cousin, brother, a mother, a grandma.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: Tell someone until someone believes you. Don't just stop. I
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: spoke at a couple of high schools, and the young
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: women there was going through the same thing. And it
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: was a conversation. Oh, I didn't say nothing to my
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: mom because it was such and such. I don't want
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: to say it. It was such and such. And I was, like, flabbergasted. Like, what?
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: And I was like, well, you never say anything. Well,
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: my mom said, no, he wouldn't do nothing like that.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: So I'm saying nothing. that to say this if mom
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: don't believe you go to the next person to the
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: next person to the next person until somebody's like really
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: okay I'm gonna ask this person or let's go to
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: the police station or let's do something let's take action
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: I would tell I would Tell everyone just to speak up.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: Open your mouth. Regardless if this person don't believe you,
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: go to the next. So forth and so on. Until
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: someone believes you. And you know, the weight carrying that
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: on your own for years and years and years is heavy. Yeah.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: And you talk about Being sad and not understanding why
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: you're sad, that type of stuff just creeps up into
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: the back of your mind and gives you all types
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: of negative thoughts. Like you said, thoughts of you blaming
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: yourself and saying, well, how could I have changed it?
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: What could I have done differently? And it's not fair
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: to you. And I think people underestimate how long something
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: like that can live with you. It's the same thing
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: you said about your son. That's five years ago. That
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: feels like yesterday. It's not. That's not something you just
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: get over. Yeah, it's a lot to deal with. The
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: young women that I spoke to, what I went through
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the things that I
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: heard from them. Absolutely nothing. It wasn't even on the
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: same scale. But yet, they were still in school. trying
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: to get out, as they told me. Once I graduate
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: and do this, I'm going to college just to get away.
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: I'm going to the service just to get away. I'm
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: going here, I'm going there. I'm talking about it was
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: nothing that I went through compared to, it was nothing
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: for me, you know, compared to them. It was disgusting. Disgusting. Hurtful.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: To just hear it. but yet they fighting through it
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: to get out. And they have more examples now. There's
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: more language for a lot of things. When you were
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: 13 and 14, it was things people didn't talk about.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: You didn't even have the language for depression. The kids
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: are making TikToks and stuff about having anxiety and what
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: that feels like. You didn't have that. And so I
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: appreciate that. It may be That they have the space,
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: the space that even you're creating to speak about it. Yeah.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: But I also want you today to give yourself some
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: grace because you didn't have access to the same resources. Yeah.
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: At all. No. No. You're going to leave here lightened
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: up on LaShonda. Yes. Because she's doing her best. Yes.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: And she's been doing her best for a long time
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: and not giving herself enough credit for it is what
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: I'm hearing. Yeah. in this conversation. We ain't doing that today.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: Not today. Not today. And not tomorrow, too. I'm going
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: to tell your people to check you. I got you.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: Dealing with, still dealing with a lot of that stuff.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: Does that trauma help you show up differently as a
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: parent now and protect your kids in a different way?
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: Because you know what it feels to not feel safe
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: or to not have anybody to talk to or just
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: to be confused and young. How do you show up
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: for your kids now? I try to show up the
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: best I can. You know, now with different situations that's
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: going on, I try to blank out my pain and, like,
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: be there for them and be strong for them. It's
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: still kind of hard. I feel like everything that has
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: happened is my fault. I blame myself for everything that's happening.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: I blame myself for my son getting killed. And I
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: blame myself for my son being locked up. Because I
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: felt like... Well, not felt. I know for a fact
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: this pop-up. Because if I will listen to my mom
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: then on what to do and how to do it,
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: how to move, how to go finish school, how to
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: get your career going so that you can get about
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: the neighborhood that we're living in, which is 7220. And
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: I kept putting it off like, oh, I got plenty
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: of time to do that. Oh, I can go to
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: school later, you know. Oh, I can do this. I
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: just kept putting it off, you know. And if I
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: would have listened like I was supposed to, we would
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: have been somewhere totally different. They would have been raised different.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: And I felt like everything would have been better. So
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: I take accountability. for everything. And it's my fault. This
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: is nothing that you could tell me. It's nothing that
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: they done told me. Um, it's nothing. Because I know
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: for a fact that I could have did better. And
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: I didn't. So, yes, I failed them. And, right now,
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: I'm just going through the motions right now. Um, to
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: try to get everything back on track. Do you believe
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: there's still time for you to do that? Yes. Yep.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: It's never too late. Never too late. And not saying
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: that I'm just now starting. I've been started. Yeah. You know,
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: I've been asked my children for forgiveness. And they like,
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: for what? What did you do? Why you, you know,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: You did the best that you could. And I'm like, no,
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: I didn't. They think the world of me. And I
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: never understood why. Think the world. And that makes me
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: smile so hard. Like, what? And if I asked them
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: last year or if I asked them this year, it's
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: still the same thing. But I still did it. I
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: asked for forgiveness. And he said, okay, well, we forgive
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: you for whatever the reason is, you know. And I'm
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: just taking that one day at a time. You know,
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: I believe in the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit,
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: Jesus Christ himself. That's who I believe in. And that's
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: my go-to. How did writing this book, 7220, uh, Did
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: it release any of this pressure? Was it just a
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: tool for you to get something out? Have you forgiven
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: yourself any as you look back at what you wrote
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: and went through this process? When I wrote that book,
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: let me tell you, it took me every bit of
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: maybe two to three weeks to write that book. And
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: I tell people that all the time, like, what, two
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: to three weeks? I promise you, everything was always here.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: All I needed to do was just write it. And
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: I was writing and writing and writing and it didn't
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: take me no time to just finish it. It helped
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: at that moment, I think. Yeah, just at that moment.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: And I still, I'm still dealing with, you know, the
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: sexual assault. The attempted rape was something totally different. You know,
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: and I fought and I fought and I fought and
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: it some point I was just going to give up.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: When was this? Um, I think I was 17, 17
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: or 18. Yeah. And it was in, um, my very
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: first apartment that I moved out from my mom. And
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: we was just so excited. Me and my, um, best friend, Chris,
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: we had got our, um, first apartment and whatever and
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: everything was going and the money was coming in and
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: that person needed something so I'm like okay is Chris
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: over there and they was like no Chris ain't over
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: there so I had to walk over to that because
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: I wasn't at home and once we got there that
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: person immediately attack me. He needed me. And when I
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: say I fought, I fought. Of course, that person is stronger, right?
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: So I'm fighting, I'm fighting. So I'm one hand and
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: then the other hand, I'm bamming, I'm kicking on the
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: floor because I know that person is always at home.
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: Or if she wasn't at home, her mom was at home,
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: somebody was at home at all times. So I'm holding,
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: and I'm knocking, and I'm kicking, and I'm just fighting
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: and fighting. At one point, I'm like, this day, she
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: wouldn't be at home. And she came upstairs, and she
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: knocked on the door, banging on the door. And that
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: person stopped. He opened the door. She was there, and
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: he just left out like nothing happened. And she stood
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: there and was like, you okay? And I told her yes,
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: and she closed the door. And I locked the door.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: And I didn't leave out the door immediately because I
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: was scared. So I waited and waited and waited. And
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: it wasn't even nighttime. So it was daytime. I'm like, man,
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: where is she? You know, she's at home all the time.
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: And I waited and waited and waited. And I finally
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: just left out. And she never ever said anything to me.
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: She never brought it up to me. She never asked
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: what happened. Nothing. And I just always just kept it,
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: you know, to myself. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: You have pants on? Yes. What color was your lipstick?
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: I didn't have a lipstick. Oh. Okay. That wasn't your
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: fault either? No. You got me on that one. Okay.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: I hope that can help heal something in you younger
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: that says it has nothing to do with me. There's
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: just evil in the world. Yeah. There's just evil in
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: the world. And evil is not attracted to a certain
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: kind of metal stick. No. I guess you're right. Knowledge
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: you put in that way Okay, I see. Wow. Okay.
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: You are carrying so much. Yeah. That's tiring. You are
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: carrying it without being asked. You are carrying it even
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: after having been forgiven. Yeah. And hearing, Mom, you're crazy.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: We love you. What are you talking about? Well, how
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: can we put some of it down? It's so hard
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: for me to put it down. It's so hard. How?
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: That is a good question. How? Like, what is my
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: first step on letting it go? Or which one should
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: I let go first? You have been strong. You have
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: done the best that you could do. My therapist tells
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: me all the time, but, you know, I'm going in
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: there complaining about my parents and my life and saying,
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: it's okay, just because your parents did the best they
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: could do, that doesn't mean it was the best. Okay? Okay. Okay.
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: It's okay for it to have not been the best.
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: Who was measuring it? Yeah. Okay. I know that you're
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: working on another book. Yeah. More about parenting. Yes. And
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: I really, I'm glad that we get to have this
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: conversation because I just like, I don't think you know
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: how unaccountable some parents can be. Wow. And how much
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: responsibility they don't take for how they raised you and
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: what that best looked like. And even just communicating. If
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: your kids forgave you for something, that means you were
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: talking to them. Yeah. And you're open with your kids.
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: You're sharing with your kids. You've chose to share with
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: the world. Yes. Yep. Even though I don't care what
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: the world thinks or says. I want to make that clear.
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: I would never, ever care about what nobody think or
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: say about me. Never have and never will. The only
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: thing that I'm concerned about is my kids or my
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: husband or what he thinks or, you know, and making
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: sure that they're okay with decisions I made um we
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: had that conversation but only thing that puzzled me is
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: like when they say oh we forgive you for whatever
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: like they don't know or they just don't want to
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: tell me or I don't know like we went through
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: the struggle together like and they just like oh no
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: you did the best you can mom you know what No,
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: I didn't. No. Can I try to explain? The way
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: kids remember their childhood, especially if it's contentious with a parent,
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: there'll be something that happened to us when we were
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: like eight years old and we're like, this was the
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: worst thing ever. And this shaped my whole life. And
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: you maybe ask your mom about it and she'd be like,
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: what the hell are you talking about? I didn't never
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: tell you you could sing. That is not what I said.
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: But for you, it's this big thing. And it fuels you.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: Or for some people, it helps them continue to make excuses.
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: And your parents don't even remember. They're like, I don't
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: remember I said that shit. I just didn't have no
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: McDonald's money that year. I feel that you are taking
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: some things from when you were younger and holding on
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: to them and thinking that your kids held on to
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: them or they shaped them in a way And they're saying, mom,
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: it didn't. This was a big deal to you, mom.
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: I don't remember that. I was outside playing. Okay. Wow. That,
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: you know, you guys have to find that middle ground
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: that it doesn't invalidate your experience. If you remember it
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: and it was powerful to you, that is your experience.
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: But like you say, you have multiple children with different
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: personalities and all different perspectives and everything that maybe hurt
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: you or the way that you saw it as an adult,
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: they might have just been in the backseat. They was like,
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: what are you talking about? You did something right. If
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: your kids are telling you, if your kids are giving
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: you forgiveness, radical forgiveness. They say, I don't know what
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: this lady's talking about, but I forgive you, lady, please.
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: They recognize that you did your best. And they're still
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: here for you. And you're still here for them. Yes.
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: There's a whole other side to this parenting thing that
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: is really bad, LaShawn. I don't know about it. Oh, yes.
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: Now that you say it, I think you should be
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: a therapist. If I could go back to school, I'd
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: drop out too. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah, I
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: believe in that. You are still here today, sitting with me,
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: here able to support your son. Yes. Able to put
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: out a book. I think that there's a little more
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: credit that you need to give yourself for having done,
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: you did a good job. Okay. Okay. I'll try to
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: make myself believe it. I don't think, if I would
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: have done a good job, I wouldn't have a son
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: in a grave and I wouldn't have a son fighting
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: for his life. That's what is, like, eating at me. Like,
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: I've already taken accountability for it. I just have to, like,
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: I don't know, like, put it in my mind, like, okay,
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: it's your fault. Let's change things. Let's do something different. Okay,
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: we know it's your fault. Let's start something new. If
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: both things could be true, Just from what I've learned
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: from you today, you say it's your fault that your
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: son passed. Yeah. But it's also your fault that that
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: son graduated and made his dream come true. Because it
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: sounds like that was one of the most important things
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: to him. Yes, it was. Yeah, you got to see
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: him graduate. Mm-hmm. And you remember him getting up every day,
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: being ambitious. On his own. And showing you something different
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: than you were able to even show yourself. Yeah. About
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: how to show up. Yeah. That's your fault. Two. it's
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: your fault that he graduated it's your fault that he
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: made his dream come true okay your other son says
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: your fault that he's dealing with legal trouble right now
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: it's also your fault that he made his dream come
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: true yeah It's very much your fault that he was
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: in the studio every day. He was paying for it
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: a little bit. Yeah. Very much your fault that he
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: didn't give up on what he wanted to do. Very
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: much your fault that he was taking care of his
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: kids and trying to provide a good life for them.
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: Indicative of how I believe he was raised by you
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: and your mom, his grandmother. That's your fault. Okay. Okay.
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: I will ask you today just that if you're going
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: to take accountability for the bad things, take accountability for
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: the good things too. You're strong. I know you want
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: to carry it all. Don't leave the good baggage and
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: only pick up the bad shit. Yeah, you're right. You
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: are so right. You got some, you got some other
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: weights over here that if you're going to carry it,
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: go ahead and carry it. Okay. You're right. You're right.
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: You're right. But I do, you know, I would, I
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: would hate to see you put out that book and
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: talk about all of, you know, these things, things that
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: terrible things that you've had to experience or that you
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: feel that you have in some way empowered or made
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: your kids experience without realizing those good moments. You know,
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: when I asked you about your favorite moment with your son,
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: you said his smile. Oh, yeah. He's always well. And
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: laughed and joked. I can just hear it. And it
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: makes me smile. Just thinking about it. Just thinking about
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: hearing it, you know. And God blessed me to have
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: spent three days with him before he passed. And we
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: had the time of our life. And everybody used to
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: be like, well, what are you thanking God for? Because
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: He is God. And God blessed me with those days
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: with Him before He passed. That's why I thank God.
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: You know? And I get so upset just thinking about it. Like, what? Why?
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: It could have been He passed away and I haven't
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: spoken to Him and Weeks or months or a year or,
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: you know. And I thank God to this day for
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: what he blessed me with, with the time he blessed
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: me with, with him. I live with that forever. I mean,
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: my husband talk about it all the time, all the time.
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: And how he used to be just fussing. If he
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: ain't fussing, he tell me what I should be doing
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: or need to do. Omar, you can't live inside this box.
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: You need to just get out and do this and
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: do that. I'm like, okay. Now I hear it. You know?
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: And sometimes I'll be like, okay. I'll take heed to it.
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: Just because he used to always say it. Always. You
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: want to say I need to go do this? Y'all
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: need to go do that. Go do something. He tried
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: to get me and my husband to go to Puerto Rico.
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: And I was like, no way. I'm saying, I'm not
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: going nowhere. No. No, he's always trying to tell me
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: just to go explore, you know. I'm still scared to
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: this day, but I'm going to do it one day. Yeah.
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: I'm going to make it my business to go out
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: to country. That is the answer to the question. You
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: have homework. You know the assignment. Yeah. The first time
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: you go get your toes on the beach in Puerto Rico,
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: please don't, please don't write this book until you do that. Yeah, man.
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: What a, what a blessing. Like your kids want more
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: for you. They want everything for you. Yeah. That's a
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: blessing just for, for your kids to love and respect
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: you in that way and want to see you happy
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: the same way that you want it to see them happy. Yeah. Yeah.
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: And I think you have a, responsibility I know you
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: like to take on responsibility you have responsibility to go
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: do that and make sure that if you do nothing
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: else that you find peace and happiness I think for
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: your kids yeah yeah you are you never stop being
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: their mom no ever you always have to be in
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: their corner you have to support them you'll never stop
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: being mom no but you have to be a human
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: being too you have to be a person you have
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: to take care of yourself I don't think they would
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: trade any little mistake that you think you made in
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: the world for you to not be here healthy and happy.
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: Would you agree with that? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I agree. Ms. LaShonda,
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: I'm working on you. Listen, okay, because next time you
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: come to LA, I'm checking on you. We're going to
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: have to have a part two. I'm going to need
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: some healing out of you because I'm You know, I'm
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: in awe of you as a mom. There's so much
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: to learn from you. I'm proud of you as a mom.
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: Thank you. Your book makes me so proud of you
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: as a mom who's willing to share and open to
• 55:06
  Speaker 1: communication and to take accountability for some things. Some things. Okay,
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: we'll work on that one. But just... You know, this
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: level of openness is not even something that I'm used to.
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: And so I'm impressed with you. I'm proud of you.
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: I think you're so brave. And it was very important,
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: I think, that you get to speak today. Wow. For everybody,
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: but even just for me. And for myself. And for yourself. Yes.
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: Look at that. You know what that's called? Growth. Okay. Yeah,
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: because I hear it. Like, when you said, I can
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: hear it, you know, and I can see it differently.
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: Just like when you said that I have on lipstick,
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: that I have on eyeliner or anything. And I'm like, no.
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: You know? As a matter of fact, I had just
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: threw something on and hair was all over my head.
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: So I heard you. And I appreciate it. Some of
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: what you're still carrying? Mm-hmm. turns you back into that
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: 13 year old girl and you're still thinking about it
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: and seeing it through her eyes and we're her capacity
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: and you've been through a lot more you're a grown
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: woman now and you have to be able to have
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: that this new perspective about right and wrong and good
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: and bad and yeah accountability because you're not 13 anymore
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: but that's what trauma is yeah trauma is Turns you
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: back into a child. Yes. Whatever age you experience that,
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: that is how you think about it. So true. Yes.
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: And when you're saying things out loud as an adult,
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: I think it activates something in your adult mind that says,
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: wait a minute. We keep it in here and keep
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: it up here. You're 13. Yes. Because I cut myself
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: off from a lot of people. I say about 95%
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: of people, like, I don't talk to nobody. I talk
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: to my husband and I talk to my children. And
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: that's it. I just cut it. I don't know why, though.
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: You know, I just cut everybody off. Like, it's just us.
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: It's just us. And I think that I'm going to
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: start to, like, get back out there, like communicating and
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: talking to people. Um, because only person I talk to
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: is my husband or my kids. And like, how far
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: can that conversation go? You know, like I need to
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: be around people more. I think it will help me
• 58:06
  Speaker 1: more and to conversate more. And maybe that would be
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: like a start, you know, to start from there. You know,
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: you don't know it yet, but you'll be back in
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: my chair. I'm excited for everything that you, you know,
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: that you have going on that you're building for yourself
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: and just the position that you're taking in your life
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: and using your platform to speak. You're a fantastic storyteller.
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm going to need you to teach me
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: how to write a book in three weeks, by the way,
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: because that is a talent and a skill. It was
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: always up there. Always. And I just, all I had
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: to do was just put it on paper. Yeah. Thank you.
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: Thank you for doing this. I really, really appreciate it.
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: You're welcome. And I thank you. I really do. If
• 58:57
  Speaker 1: you knew better with Amber Grimes, a production of the
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: your favorite shows. Connect with Amber Grimes at Amber Grimes
• 59:09
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• 59:12
  Speaker 1: episodes of If You Knew Better with Amber Grimes.