Latest / Parent support Circle Podcast / How Do I Encourage Cooperation Instead of Power Struggles?)
Transcript
- CURTIS: (Sound of deep breathing) Okay, so picture this: It's Tuesday night, homework time, and my eleven-year-old daughter is staring at her math book like it personally insulted her family. RJ: (laughs) Oh no, I know that look. The 'if I stare at it hard enough, maybe it'll do itself' strategy? CURTIS: EXACTLY! And I can feel it coming—we're about to have a full-blown power struggle over fractions. Again. RJ: Man, homework battles. My daughter turned those into an Olympic sport. I swear she could've won gold in 'creative avoidance tactics.' CURTIS: (laughs) So what did you do? Because right now I've got two choices: I can turn this into World War III over long division, or... I can try something different. RJ: And THAT right there is what we're talking about today—how to encourage cooperation instead of power struggles. Welcome to the Parent Support Circle Podcast! [THEME MUSIC] [INTRODUCTION] CURTIS: Hey everyone! I'm Curtis, proud dad of an amazing eleven-year-old daughter who keeps me on my toes every single day. RJ: And I'm RJ, dad of two grown kids—a son and a daughter—who somehow survived my learning curve. (laughs) Though my daughter still brings up the 'Great Bedtime Wars of 2012' at family dinners. CURTIS: (laughs) See, this is why I love having you here, RJ. You've been through it all AND lived to tell the tale. RJ: Barely! Man, if I had a dollar for every power struggle in my house, I'd be recording this podcast from a yacht right now. CURTIS: So there's hope? My daughter won't hate me forever because I made her finish her homework? RJ: Oh absolutely. My kids are thriving adults now. They call me voluntarily, we actually enjoy hanging out together—and here's the kicker—they THANK me for some of the boundaries I set. Not all of them, mind you. (laughs) But looking back, I wish I'd known some of what we're going to talk about today. Would've saved everyone a lot of tears. CURTIS: Well, that's exactly what this episode is about. Whether you're navigating the tween years like me, dealing with teenagers, or still in the toddler trenches, we've got strategies that actually work. [SEGMENT 1: WHAT ARE POWER STRUGGLES REALLY?] RJ: Okay Curtis, let's start with the basics. What exactly IS a power struggle? Because I feel like I was in one for basically eighteen years straight. (laughs) CURTIS: (laughs) Right? So here's the thing—a power struggle is when both you and your kid dig in your heels, and suddenly it's less about the actual issue and more about who's going to 'win.' RJ: Okay yeah, that tracks. Like when my son was fourteen and refused to clean his room. It started about dirty laundry and ended with me questioning my entire parenting philosophy. CURTIS: EXACTLY! And that's the trap, right? Because in the moment, it feels SO important. Like if they don't clean their room, civilization will collapse. RJ: (laughing) I mean, have you SEEN a teenage boy's room? Civilization might actually be at risk. CURTIS: Fair point! But here's what the research tells us—and this changed everything for me. Power struggles aren't really about the room or the homework or whatever. They're about control and autonomy. RJ: Wait, so when my kids pushed back, they weren't just trying to drive me crazy for sport? CURTIS: Nope! They were trying to develop independence, which is actually developmentally appropriate and healthy. RJ: Mind. Blown. So all those years I thought my daughter was being 'difficult,' she was just... growing up? CURTIS: Pretty much! And here's the really important part—when we understand that, we can stop taking it personally. My daughter's not refusing to do homework to ruin MY night. She's expressing her need for autonomy in the only way she knows how. RJ: Though I gotta say, understanding it doesn't make it less frustrating when you're living it. (both laugh) CURTIS: Oh, 100%. Knowledge helps, but it doesn't make you a saint. Which is why we need actual strategies! [SEGMENT 2: STRATEGY #1 - THE POWER OF CHOICE] CURTIS: Alright, strategy number one: giving choices. This one has literally saved my sanity. RJ: I'm all ears. How does this work with older kids? Because 'Do you want the red cup or the blue cup' doesn't really cut it with teenagers. CURTIS: (laughs) True! So here's an example from last week. My daughter had a huge project due. Instead of saying 'Sit down and do your project NOW,' I asked, 'Do you want to work on it before dinner or after dinner? And do you want to work at the kitchen table or in your room?' RJ: And she just... did it? CURTIS: She picked after dinner in her room, grabbed a snack, and got to work. No argument, no drama. It was like watching magic. RJ: Okay but here's my question—what if she'd said 'Neither, I'm not doing it'? CURTIS: Great question! That's when you say, 'Not doing it wasn't one of the choices. So which works better for you—before dinner or after dinner?' RJ: Ahhh, so you're giving them power within boundaries YOU control. CURTIS: Exactly! And kids can smell a fake choice from a mile away. Like my wife once said to our daughter, 'Do you want to practice piano or lose screen time for a week?' (laughs) That's not a choice, that's a hostage negotiation! RJ: (laughing) Ooh, I definitely used those kinds of 'choices' with my kids. No wonder they got wise to me! CURTIS: Right? A REAL choice is 'Do you want to practice piano before homework or after homework?' Both options are acceptable to you, and they get to decide. RJ: What about with teenagers? My daughter was basically an adult at seventeen. How do you give choices without losing all parental authority? CURTIS: Perfect example—curfew. Instead of laying down the law, you ask, 'What time do you think is reasonable to be home on Friday nights?' Then you negotiate from there. RJ: Wait, so I'm supposed to let my seventeen-year-old SET her own curfew? That seems... terrifying. CURTIS: Not SET it—START the conversation. She says midnight, you say 11, you land on 11:30. But now she feels heard and you're not the villain. RJ: Oh man, I wish I'd known this. I just dictated curfew and then wondered why my daughter would 'forget' to check her phone. (both laugh) Turns out she was protesting the dictatorship! [SEGMENT 3: CONNECT BEFORE YOU CORRECT] RJ: Alright, what's strategy number two? I'm taking notes over here. CURTIS: This one's called 'Connect Before You Correct.' And it's all about understanding that when kids are emotionally flooded, their thinking brain literally goes offline. RJ: Their what goes what now? You're getting all sciencey on me. CURTIS: (laughs) Okay, simple version: when kids are really upset—like meltdown upset—they can't think logically. Their brain's alarm system is screaming and nothing else gets through. RJ: OHHH. That explains why all my brilliant lectures during my son's teenage tantrums went absolutely nowhere. CURTIS: Exactly! You can't reason with someone whose reasoning center is temporarily out of service. So you have to connect first, THEN correct. RJ: Give me a real example because I need to picture this. CURTIS: Sure! So my daughter came home last week devastated because she didn't make the soccer team. She was crying, slamming doors, the whole thing. RJ: Oh man, that's rough. CURTIS: Yeah. And my first instinct was to fix it, right? 'Well, you can try again next year' or 'Maybe this is a sign to try basketball.' But instead, I just sat with her and said, 'This really hurts, doesn't it? You worked so hard.' RJ: That's it? You didn't try to solve it? CURTIS: Not at first! I just validated her feelings. And you know what? After about ten minutes of crying, SHE started problem-solving. 'Maybe I could try out for the club team' and 'I guess I could work on my skills over the summer.' RJ: Wait, so she solved her own problem because you didn't jump in? CURTIS: Exactly! When she felt heard, her thinking brain came back online. But if I'd launched into 'fix-it mode' while she was still upset, we would've just fought. RJ: Man, this is hitting me hard. My daughter would come to me with friend drama, and I'd immediately go into 'here's what you should do' mode. She'd storm off and I'd think she was being dramatic. But really, I was trying to negotiate with her alarm system. (both laugh) CURTIS: Yes! And here's the key thing to remember—validating feelings doesn't mean validating bad behavior. You can say 'You're really angry right now' without saying 'It's okay to throw things when you're angry.' [COMMERCIAL BREAK] [60-SECOND BREAK FOR ADS OR MUSIC] [SEGMENT 4: THE POWER OF THE PAUSE] CURTIS: Welcome back! We're talking about strategies to reduce power struggles. RJ, ready for number three? RJ: Let's do it! CURTIS: Pause before you react. Simple to say, SUPER hard to do. RJ: (laughs) Yeah, my pause button was definitely broken for most of my parenting years. Especially with my son—he knew EXACTLY how to push my buttons. CURTIS: Oh, they ALL know how to do that! But here's the thing—that split second between something happening and your response? That's where you either escalate or de-escalate the whole situation. RJ: Give me an example because I need to know how this works in real life. CURTIS: Okay, so last night my daughter 'forgot' to tell me about a permission slip that was due TODAY. Like, she pulled it out of her backpack at 8 PM. RJ: Oh no. (laughing) Classic move! My kids were masters of that one. CURTIS: Right? So my immediate reaction was to launch into 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FORGOT?! This is so irresponsible!' But instead, I literally counted to five in my head. RJ: And? CURTIS: And by five, I realized yelling wouldn't change anything. So I said, 'Okay, this is frustrating. Let's figure out how to make sure this doesn't happen again. What system could help you remember these things?' RJ: Wait, five seconds changed the whole conversation? CURTIS: Completely! We ended up creating a system where she checks her folder every day after school. If I'd yelled, she would've gotten defensive, we would've fought, and nothing would've changed. RJ: Okay, but real talk—what about when they DO something that makes your blood boil? Like when my son was sixteen and took the car without permission? CURTIS: Whoa! That's serious! RJ: Yeah, and I LOST it. I mean, safety issue, trust issue, all the issues. But looking back? I wish I'd paused. Even just walked outside for a minute before responding. CURTIS: What happened? RJ: I yelled for twenty minutes. He shut down completely. We didn't actually TALK about why he did it or the consequences until the next day. If I'd paused, we could've skipped the yelling and gotten straight to the real conversation. CURTIS: And that's the thing, right? The pause isn't about never having big feelings. It's about not LEADING with them. RJ: Exactly. And the wild thing? Every time I lost my cool, I was basically teaching my kids that emotions control you. When I could pause, I was showing them how to handle hard feelings. No wonder my kids struggle with anger sometimes—they learned it from watching me. (both laugh, but knowingly) [SEGMENT 5: US VS. THE PROBLEM] CURTIS: Next up: shifting from 'me versus you' to 'us versus the problem.' This one's a game-changer. RJ: I like the sound of this already. Break it down. CURTIS: So most power struggles feel like parent versus child, right? Like you're opponents. But what if you reframed it so you're on the same team, fighting the problem together? RJ: So instead of 'You versus your daughter,' it's 'both of you versus the homework'? CURTIS: Exactly! Instead of 'You need to do this homework,' I say, 'We've got a problem. This math is really hard and it's due tomorrow. How can we tackle this together?' RJ: And that actually works? CURTIS: It really does! Because now we're teammates. Sometimes she decides to work on the easier problems first to build momentum. Sometimes we break it into chunks. But SHE's coming up with solutions, which means she's invested. RJ: Man, I wish I'd known this with my daughter. We had EPIC battles over her room. Like, Shakespearean-level drama about dirty clothes. CURTIS: (laughs) How did those usually go? RJ: Terribly! I'd say 'Clean your room,' she'd say 'Why do you care so much about my space,' I'd say 'Because you live in my house,' she'd say 'Well I didn't ask to be born'—you know, normal teenage stuff. (both laugh) CURTIS: Oh wow, she went straight for the existential argument! RJ: Right? But if I'd said, 'Hey, we have a problem. I need the common areas clean, and you need your privacy. How can we both win here?'—that could've changed everything. CURTIS: Exactly! Maybe you would've landed on 'Keep your room however you want, but dirty dishes and laundry can't stay in there.' She gets privacy, you get basic hygiene standards, everyone wins. RJ: Instead, I won every battle and lost the war. Her room stayed messy out of spite. (laughs) She literally told me years later that she kept it messy because it was the one thing she could control! CURTIS: See, that's the thing about power struggles—when you 'win,' you often lose something bigger. But when you collaborate, everybody actually wins. [SEGMENT 6: ROUTINES & KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO] RJ: We're on a roll! What else you got? CURTIS: Two more big ones. First: predictable routines. And before you roll your eyes, hear me out! RJ: (laughs) I wasn't rolling my eyes! But routines do sound kind of... boring? CURTIS: That's the thing—it's not about being rigid. It's about creating flow so kids know what to expect. RJ: Okay, example time. CURTIS: So our weeknight routine is: dinner, shower, lay out tomorrow's clothes, 30 minutes of reading or quiet time, then bed. It's not about exact times—some nights we eat at 6, some nights at 7. But the SEQUENCE stays the same. RJ: And that reduces fights? CURTIS: SO much! Because my daughter's not surprised every night. She knows what's coming, so her brain stays calm. And calm kids cooperate. RJ: Huh. We had zero routine when my kids were growing up. Every night was like negotiating a new peace treaty. (both laugh) CURTIS: And that's exhausting for everyone! Kids' nervous systems need predictability. RJ: Alright, I'm sold on routines. What's the other one? CURTIS: This one's the hardest: knowing when to let go of control. RJ: Oof. Yeah. That's tough. CURTIS: So here's the truth bomb: there are some things you literally cannot control. You can't MAKE your kid eat, sleep, or care about their grades. RJ: Oh man, the grades thing. My son was SO smart but just didn't care about school. I tried everything—rewards, punishments, threats, bribes. CURTIS: And? RJ: None of it worked. He squeaked through high school with C's. I was convinced he was doomed. You know what happened? CURTIS: Tell me! RJ: He found something HE cared about—coding. Taught himself, got an internship, now he's a software developer making more money than I ever did. (both laugh) Turns out he just needed to find his own motivation. CURTIS: That's such a perfect example! You couldn't control whether he cared. All your battles just damaged your relationship. RJ: Exactly. So how do you know when to hold firm versus when to let go? CURTIS: Great question! Hold firm on safety and core values—seatbelts, kindness, treating people with respect. Let go of things they have ultimate control over—eating, sleeping, their effort level. And negotiate everything else—screen time, curfews, chores. RJ: Man, I wish someone had told me this fifteen years ago. Would've saved so many fights. (laughs) [SEGMENT 7: CATCH THEM COOPERATING & REAL TALK] CURTIS: Last strategy: catch them cooperating! RJ: Explain this one because I'm intrigued. CURTIS: We're really good at noticing when kids mess up, right? 'Why is your homework not done?' 'Stop arguing with me!' But what about when they DO cooperate? RJ: We just... don't say anything? CURTIS: Exactly! But what if we paid attention to that? 'Hey, I noticed you started your homework without me asking. That's really responsible.' Or 'You handled that frustration so well just now—I'm proud of you.' RJ: So you're saying whatever we pay attention to, we get more of? CURTIS: EXACTLY! Kids want our attention. If the only way to get it is by messing up, they'll mess up more. But if they get positive attention for cooperation... RJ: They'll cooperate more. Mind. Blown. Again. I'm starting to see a pattern here—I basically did everything wrong. (both laugh) CURTIS: No way! Your kids turned out great, right? RJ: They did. But I'm just saying, I could've made it easier on all of us if I'd known this stuff. CURTIS: That's the thing—none of us get it perfect. Before we wrap up, RJ, what would you tell your younger self about all this? RJ: (pauses) Honestly? I'd tell myself that twenty years from now, nobody's going to remember who won the bedroom cleaning war of 2015. But my kids will absolutely remember how I made them feel. CURTIS: Wow. That's powerful. RJ: And I'd tell myself to pick my battles. Not everything matters. Save your energy for safety and kindness. The rest? Most of it resolves itself if you just give it time and grace. CURTIS: That's beautiful. And here's what I'd add: progress over perfection. I still lose my cool sometimes. I still get into power struggles. But every time I pause, every time I offer a choice, every time I connect first—that's a win. RJ: And your relationship with your daughter is stronger because of it. CURTIS: It really is. We're a team now, not opponents. And that's the whole point. [CLOSING] RJ: Alright folks, let's recap. Curtis, give us the seven strategies one more time. CURTIS: You got it! Number one: Give age-appropriate choices. Two: Connect before you correct. Three: Pause before you react. Four: Shift from 'me versus you' to 'us versus the problem.' Five: Create predictable routines. Six: Know when to hold firm, negotiate, or let go. And seven: Catch them cooperating! RJ: Perfect. And remember, you don't have to be perfect at all of these. Pick one that resonates, try it this week, see what happens. CURTIS: Exactly! Maybe this week, just offer one choice instead of a command. See how it feels. Science says you'll reduce power struggles by like 80%. RJ: And if it doesn't work the first time, you didn't fail! Kids are unpredictable. Try again, or try a different strategy. CURTIS: Before we go, huge thanks to our Parent Support Circle community. We love hearing your stories! Message us on social media and tell us which strategy you're going to try first. RJ: And if you found this helpful, share it with another parent who's in the trenches. We're all in this together! CURTIS: Until next time, remember: you're doing better than you think you are. RJ: And twenty years from now, your kids will remember that you tried. That's what matters. (both laugh warmly) CURTIS: This has been the Parent Support Circle Podcast. I'm Curtis— RJ: And I'm RJ! BOTH: Thanks for listening!