Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Without the Answer Key | Ep. 230

Transcript

Parenting Without the Answer Key | Ep. 230 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:00
  Cheryl: I just thought if I worked with that clay enough- I could have a lot more control, and I was surprised- that my children are actually truly individuals.
• 0:11
  Speaker: Most of us had some pretty clear ideas about the kind of parent we were going to be, and then we actually had children.
• 0:23
  Speaker: So the three of us decided to do something a little different.
• 0:27
  Speaker: No single subject to process, just tossing parenting questions around the table.
• 0:36
  Speaker: What did we swear we'd never do?
• 0:39
  Speaker: What did we care way too much about?
• 0:43
  Speaker: And what would our kids say we got wrong?
• 0:47
  Speaker: We didn't know where the questions would take us, which, as it turns out, feels a lot like parenting.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: Hi, you two.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: It's so good to be in here with you again, and, um, I had an idea for what we might do.
• 1:13
  Christie: Okay.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 1:14
  Cheryl: And it's...
• 1:15
  Cheryl: You know, we usually come in here with some question that somebody sent us-
• 1:19
  Christie: Right
• 1:19
  Cheryl: or several, or one of us brings a question, say,"What do you do about this?"
• 1:23
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 1:24
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: And we
• 1:24
  Cheryl A: process Those.
• 1:26
  Cheryl A: I thought it would be fun if we kinda did a popcorn question type thing about parenting.
• 1:32
  Joanne: Okay.
• 1:32
  Cheryl: And that we kind of each of us go,"Okay, what about this?"
• 1:35
  Christie: Oh, that sounds fun.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: Yeah, fun.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: Maybe a little lighter,
• 1:39
  Christie: Right
• 1:39
  Cheryl: but we'll probably get into it.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: But just different questions, uh, about our parenting experience, past, present, and maybe future.
• 1:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:48
  Joanne: Okay, sounds great.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: You wanna do it?
• 1:50
  Cheryl: Yeah, let's do it.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: Problem is when I was thinking about this, I go,"Oh, boy, this is gonna be so vulnerable."
• 1:55
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: But we always are.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: So first, what parenting rule did you swear you'd never break and you absolutely broke?
• 2:05
  Christie: Oh.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: Told you.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: I'm gonna tell you about
• 2:07
  Christie: that.
• 2:08
  Christie: Well, it didn't take me long.
• 2:11
  Christie: Uh, probably bringing baby into bed with me.
• 2:15
  Joanne: Oh, yeah.
• 2:15
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 2:16
  Christie: I've done that.
• 2:16
  Christie: Nursing to sleep in bed- I think was really my rule that I broke.
• 2:20
  Christie: Um, and yeah, that was, you know, at least with my babies, I think it's still frowned upon to- you know, have them, like, in your bed with you.
• 2:28
  Christie: But- Oh uh, sometimes you just, you gotta sleep.
• 2:31
  Christie: You have to
• 2:32
  Joanne: sleep.
• 2:32
  Joanne: Oh, yeah.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: I've totally done that.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: And it also depends on, oh, no, now you do it, now you put them on their stomach.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Yes, you can bring them in bed now, you know- Yeah.
• 2:39
  Christie: Uh-huh
• 2:40
  Cheryl: and that's fine.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: Um, for me- Yeah it was I would never yell at my children.
• 2:44
  Christie: Oh, uh-huh.
• 2:45
  Christie: Oh,
• 2:46
  Cheryl: me too.
• 2:46
  Cheryl: That's mine.
• 2:46
  Cheryl: Oh, was it really?
• 2:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: Uh-huh.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: 'Cause I'm not a screamer.
• 2:48
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: And I don't like it.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Like, uh, you know me, I like harmony.
• 2:53
  Joanne: Uh-huh.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: And I thought,"Oh, I won't ever have to worry about it." I will always talk to my children like, like this.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: And if I'm gonna let a little cat out of the bag, I hadn't had teenagers before.
• 3:05
  Christie: Right.
• 3:05
  Joanne: Right.
• 3:06
  Joanne: Oh, yeah.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: Just saying.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: So you two-
• 3:08
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 3:08
  Joanne: Well, me too.
• 3:09
  Joanne: It started, but before they were teenagers.
• 3:11
  Joanne: I was gonna say, I didn't make
• 3:12
  Christie: it that long.
• 3:13
  Joanne: Well, you know, for me, it was like, you can say it nicely and calmly like five times- Yeah, mm-hmm but by that sixth time, it's like- Uh-huh all right, people are not hearing me.
• 3:22
  Joanne: So yeah, no, I totally get it.
• 3:24
  Joanne: It, it gets crazy and...
• 3:26
  Christie: Well, and sometimes just the volume level.
• 3:28
  Christie: Oh, yeah.
• 3:29
  Christie: You have to raise your voice over the volume level.
• 3:31
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:31
  Joanne: Yeah, like they'd be fighting or- But I didn't
• 3:32
  Cheryl: mean that.
• 3:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:33
  Christie: Oh.
• 3:33
  Cheryl: I'm not
• 3:33
  Christie: talking
• 3:34
  Cheryl: about- Right.
• 3:34
  Christie: No.
• 3:35
  Christie: Right
• 3:35
  Cheryl: just volume.
• 3:35
  Cheryl: No.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: I'm talking about actually yelling at my children.
• 3:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:38
  Christie: I remember losing my voice.
• 3:39
  Christie: You know, I've shared here a lot of times that I had a screaming problem, and I remember losing my voice one time and I was like-"Now I'm powerless.""I really have nothing to work with." That's
• 3:50
  Joanne: so funny.
• 3:50
  Christie: Oh.
• 3:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:51
  Christie: I think the Lord was trying to humble me- and- Yeah help me along in the process.
• 3:55
  Joanne: Oh.
• 3:55
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: Yeah, y'all popcorn at me.
• 3:57
  Cheryl: What are some questions y'all can think of?
• 3:59
  Joanne: Ooh.
• 4:00
  Joanne: Okay, I have a question actually for you guys.
• 4:02
  Joanne: So thinking about different stages of parenting and, you know, we, none of us had ever done this before, so what part just, like, never came naturally to you guys?
• 4:12
  Christie: Mm.
• 4:13
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 4:13
  Joanne: And so and no matter how much you- All of it.
• 4:15
  Joanne: Right, all of it.
• 4:16
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 4:17
  Joanne: Can't pick
• 4:17
  Christie: one
• 4:17
  Joanne: thing.
• 4:18
  Christie: Um, yeah, I probably, um, The, the nurturing part.
• 4:26
  Christie: I tended to be kind of like,"All right, you're fine," you know?
• 4:29
  Christie: Wanted to just So that, that ooey, gooey, nurturing, um, patience of like,"Oh, I'm so sorry.
• 4:37
  Christie: Let's look at your boo-boo.
• 4:39
  Christie: You know?
• 4:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:39
  Christie: Or, like if they were sick I'm like,"Well, your limbs aren't falling off.""You'll be fine," you know?
• 4:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:46
  Christie: So I think that I kinda had to force, um, a little bit.
• 4:50
  Christie: Okay.
• 4:50
  Christie: And that, oh, this, no, actually, okay, I'm gonna correct myself.
• 4:54
  Christie: Imaginary play- Oh I was not good at.
• 4:58
  Christie: Okay.
• 4:58
  Christie: Like the talking voices for the- Yes action figures- Yeah and the little horses.
• 5:02
  Christie: The stuffed animals and all that.
• 5:04
  Christie: Yes.
• 5:04
  Christie: Okay.
• 5:04
  Christie: No, I was not good at that.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: I'm all about my kids playing.
• 5:08
  Cheryl: I mean, I can read a children's book and keep any audience entranced.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:13
  Cheryl: I'm all about it, excited for them, come up with all these ideas.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: But that getting down with little people and going,"Oh."
• 5:20
  Christie: Uh-huh.
• 5:21
  Christie: Uh-huh
• 5:22
  Cheryl: you know what?
• 5:22
  Cheryl: I won't do that anymore." Right.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: "I'll come watch you," but I'd forgotten.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: That is the thing.
• 5:27
  Christie: Yes, that took a minute to- It- tap into.
• 5:29
  Christie: mm-hmm.
• 5:30
  Joanne: What
• 5:30
  Christie: about you, Joanne?
• 5:31
  Christie: What was yours?
• 5:32
  Joanne: Um, okay, so for me, it was like knowing how to dress my kids appropriately, I guess.
• 5:39
  Joanne: It just did not come naturally to me.
• 5:41
  Joanne: I mean, you guys know me.
• 5:42
  Joanne: I'm really a casual person now.
• 5:45
  Joanne: Yes.
• 5:45
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 5:45
  Joanne: Um, and I'm just not really, the one into fashion and all that.
• 5:47
  Joanne: And so in particularly with my daughter, that was a real challenge.
• 5:51
  Joanne: Oh.
• 5:51
  Joanne: And the first time I really recognized this, deficit, I guess- Uh-huh.
• 5:55
  Joanne: in parenting, was when I took her to JCPenney to do her little newborn photo shoot.
• 6:01
  Joanne: Remember when we used to do that- Yeah like at the mall?
• 6:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:03
  Christie: Um-
• 6:04
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah,'cause they gave you the free one,
• 6:05
  Joanne: and- Yeah.
• 6:06
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 6:06
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 6:06
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 6:06
  Joanne: And so then I- And the
• 6:07
  Christie: package that gave you 4,000 pictures.
• 6:09
  Christie: The pa- Right, right.
• 6:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:10
  Joanne: So I was there, uh, you know, at the mall, and there's this like, I don't, I would, I wanna say- high school or probably college age guy that was gonna be taking her picture.
• 6:19
  Joanne: And I had her little, like, headband bow thing.
• 6:22
  Joanne: And so she's a newborn, and I asked him- Oh.
• 6:26
  Joanne: how to put it on her head,'cause I, I had never done that before, and it just didn't come naturally.
• 6:31
  Joanne: Oh.
• 6:32
  Joanne: And- Uh'cause that was before I could just, look at all the Pinterest boards and all that.
• 6:36
  Joanne: Right.
• 6:36
  Joanne: Right.
• 6:36
  Joanne: So, so yeah, I've really struggled with that.
• 6:37
  Joanne: Well, in your
• 6:38
  Christie: defense, you did start with a boy.
• 6:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:39
  Christie: That's true.
• 6:39
  Christie: So maybe, maybe that- That's true you hadn't done that yet because of-
• 6:42
  Joanne: Yeah that.
• 6:42
  Joanne: Yeah, and it was so easy.
• 6:44
  Joanne: But yeah, I really, I've struggled with that, so.
• 6:46
  Joanne: Aw.
• 6:46
  Joanne: Still
• 6:46
  Christie: do.
• 6:47
  Joanne: Well, thankfully for her,, about two and a half years old, she was, deciding what she's gonna wear, which was- Oh, that's helpful
• 6:53
  Christie: Well, I've got a question,
• 6:55
  Cheryl: okay.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: All right.
• 6:55
  Christie: Um, what is a battle that you guys decided wasn't worth fighting?
• 7:00
  Christie: Oh.
• 7:01
  Christie: That you- Oh, man set out really strong in the beginning and you were gonna hold to, and then mid-parenting you're like,"Does this even matter?" Or maybe you did stick it out, and looking back you're like,"Why did I give all my energy to that?"
• 7:14
  Joanne: Oh, that's a good one.
• 7:14
  Joanne: Okay.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: So much.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: I
• 7:15
  Joanne: gotta think about this.
• 7:17
  Christie: Well, I can go first because of the clothing conversation.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Ah.
• 7:21
  Christie: How my kids dressed.
• 7:22
  Christie: Mm.
• 7:23
  Christie: Right.
• 7:23
  Christie: I mean, I gave that up.
• 7:25
  Christie: I guess maybe having four daughters broke me down faster.
• 7:29
  Christie: Like your daughter, they were- Yeah all very opinionated early, early on.
• 7:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:33
  Christie: But I tried at first, and like you said, you know, holidays.
• 7:37
  Christie: My mother-in-law was a big part of the, the outfits.
• 7:39
  Christie: She loved to do- Oh holiday outfits.
• 7:41
  Christie: But, um, I tried, you know?
• 7:44
  Christie: I'd present them with what I thought was cute, and then finally it was like,"Oh, sure.
• 7:49
  Christie: Zebra, leopard, and polka dots- Yeah.
• 7:50
  Christie: in one outfit.
• 7:51
  Christie: That's great.
• 7:52
  Christie: Let's go." Yes.
• 7:52
  Christie: You know?
• 7:53
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: Well, I guess you know, when we have strengths and shadow sides, they kind of stay our strengths and shadow sides.
• 7:58
  Christie: Uh-huh.
• 7:59
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: I really thought that if I worked with my children and talked with them and walked alongside of them and did all that, that they would all just be nice to each other.
• 8:10
  Joanne: Mm.
• 8:11
  Joanne: Okay.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: And I th- Yeah and I thought with enough parenting, that if I do it and we talk about it- Mm-hmm and we come back, we talk about it again, and,"No, we're not gonna treat each other like that- Mm-hmm and we're gonna..." I, I thought they would just be nice to each other.
• 8:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:25
  Christie: Do you think...
• 8:25
  Christie: 'Cause you're really nice.
• 8:27
  Christie: Mm.
• 8:27
  Christie: Like, you're a naturally- Yeah nice person- Yeah to people.
• 8:30
  Christie: Do you think it's because of that, that you...
• 8:33
  Christie: 'Cause I know there were certain traits of mine that I thought,"How could you not be like that?" Yeah.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: I just thought people would be nice.
• 8:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: I, that's just- Mm-hmm the kinda person I was.
• 8:42
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: And so I thought,"Oh, I can just curate this in my children." Yeah.
• 8:47
  Christie: Right,
• 8:48
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 8:48
  Cheryl: But that didn't work- Yeah.
• 8:50
  Cheryl: Yeah because they're individuals.
• 8:51
  Christie: Right.
• 8:51
  Cheryl: And I would say, okay, was there a gap that I thought kinda like pottery.
• 8:59
  Cheryl: Like, if you think about a really good potter- Mm-hmm and what they can do with that clay, they create masterpieces and beautiful things, this magnus opus, and I wanted them to be- Mm-hmm who they were.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: I wanted this beautiful person to come out of it.
• 9:15
  Cheryl: Like a potter actually has.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: You know, using,"Okay, I see who you are, but I'm gonna be able to do this," and I was surprised-
• 9:24
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 9:24
  Cheryl: um, that my children are actually truly individuals.
• 9:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:29
  Christie: I,
• 9:30
  Cheryl: uh,
• 9:30
  Christie: relate
• 9:30
  Cheryl: with that.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: And, and I, I worked on that.
• 9:31
  Cheryl: I, I worked on their- Mm-hmm individuality.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: I encouraged them to be, you know, individual thinkers and all of this sort of thing, and then they turned out to be individuals with
• 9:41
  Christie: Yeah
• 9:41
  Cheryl: thinking their own way and- Mm wanting their own way, whether they wanted to wear all the bows and all- Mm of that.
• 9:47
  Cheryl: Uh, I was just surprised.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Um, I thought I had- More control over what I didn't have control of.
• 9:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:55
  Christie: Oh, that's
• 9:55
  Joanne: true.
• 9:56
  Joanne: I get that.
• 9:56
  Joanne: That's true.
• 9:57
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 9:57
  Joanne: So the stuff that I wish I wouldn't have fought so hard against was, um, sticking to some of those developmental guidelines, you know, your pediatrician gave you.
• 10:09
  Joanne: Oh.
• 10:09
  Joanne: Mm.
• 10:09
  Joanne: And I'm not talking about like the walking, talking ones.
• 10:12
  Joanne: I'm talking about like the bike riding- Oh um, and some of those things.
• 10:16
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 10:16
  Joanne: We loved our pediatrician.
• 10:17
  Joanne: He was fantastic.
• 10:19
  Joanne: But I remember with my oldest, it was kind of this issue because he wasn't riding his bike like at a certain age.
• 10:25
  Joanne: Mm.
• 10:25
  Joanne: And I remember, man, we got back from this doctor's appointment and I'm like,"We're gonna- Oh.
• 10:29
  Joanne: "You will learn how to ride this bike." Uh-huh.
• 10:31
  Joanne: "Something's wrong." And at the end of it, we were both in tears and-
• 10:34
  Christie: Oh, no
• 10:35
  Joanne: I casually mentioned that to a friend and she was like They're on different timelines.
• 10:40
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 10:41
  Joanne: Like, it's...
• 10:41
  Joanne: And I was like,"Oh, yeah." She's like,"It's not that big of a deal." Right.
• 10:44
  Joanne: And then she shared that her daughter was, like, 10 years old when she learned to ride the bike.
• 10:48
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 10:48
  Joanne: And I was like,"Oh, okay." So I totally relaxed, and then I was able to do that with the others.
• 10:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:53
  Christie: I think about that with, like, potty training and- Yeah reading even- It's pressure you know, to some degree, and it's like they eventually get it.
• 11:01
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 11:01
  Christie: And, like, bike riding, maybe he just didn't like to ride his bike.
• 11:04
  Joanne: I know.
• 11:04
  Christie: You know?
• 11:04
  Joanne: He didn't wanna And he did learn to ride it- Uh-huh just a few years after that.
• 11:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:09
  Christie: Whatever.
• 11:10
  Christie: No, I can relate with all those things.
• 11:11
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 11:12
  Joanne: So, okay, I guess I'll just be really transparent it was during COVID, I feel like we really got kind of pretty lax with what our kids were watching- Uh-huh um, and some, like for certain sitcoms.
• 11:25
  Joanne: Um, I think,, we were home a lot- Yeah and so just- Mm some things kind of flew under the radar.
• 11:30
  Joanne: But my kids were like, you know, older, middle school, high school age, right?
• 11:35
  Joanne: So, um, what we found actually ended up not being a bad thing, is that we were able to like organically talk about some difficult things with them.
• 11:46
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 11:46
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 11:46
  Joanne: Just as, because as we became more aware of like,"What are you watching?" Right.
• 11:49
  Joanne: "Oh, whoa, okay.
• 11:50
  Joanne: So well, let's talk about that." Yeah.
• 11:52
  Joanne: So it brought up a lot of really good conversations that maybe otherwise wouldn't have happened, you know?
• 11:58
  Joanne: Mm.
• 11:58
  Joanne: Mm-hmm., And just when they get to a certain age, you don't wanna shelter them too much anyways.
• 12:01
  Joanne: But I would say that was probably the one thing I always swore we wouldn't let our kids watch certain things and then- Right there we were-
• 12:07
  Christie: And in that season- wasn't letting them your kids were like middle school and older, right?
• 12:11
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:11
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 12:11
  Joanne: They were teens.
• 12:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:13
  Christie: And so middle school, teen.
• 12:13
  Christie: No, I can relate with that.
• 12:14
  Christie: It's not that it doesn't matter what their influences are- Right but it matters a l- lot less than- Yeah what I thought it did in the beginning.
• 12:22
  Cheryl: You know, here we are laying everything out on the table.
• 12:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:24
  Cheryl: Let me ask you, what's something you think you actually did pretty well?
• 12:30
  Joanne: Oh,
• 12:30
  Cheryl: okay.
• 12:30
  Cheryl: That you might give yourself, like, a pass on.
• 12:33
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 12:33
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 12:34
  Joanne: Okay.
• 12:35
  Joanne: I'll start.
• 12:35
  Joanne: I'm gonna say I, I call this mastering the art of the internal freak-out.
• 12:41
  Joanne: And what I mean by that is I, I think I learned that pretty early.
• 12:45
  Joanne: So when my kid would do something or say something and I'd totally just wanna, like, freak out in front of them, I learned to not.
• 12:53
  Joanne: Oh, that's good.
• 12:53
  Joanne: And just, and so even though I'm, like, internally freaking out about this or whatever- Yeah I learned to just put up a calm,"Okay, let me assess the situation," and not react.
• 13:05
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 13:05
  Joanne: And I have found, and, and my kids have told me, they feel like they can talk to me- Oh'cause I'm not going to, like, overreact, so.
• 13:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:16
  Joanne: So yeah, just learning to kinda control the emotion that's there.
• 13:19
  Christie: That's good.
• 13:20
  Joanne: Wow.
• 13:20
  Joanne: So that they don't get scared off.
• 13:24
  Christie: Uh-huh.
• 13:25
  Joanne: Right?
• 13:25
  Joanne: And it's something I still do, right?
• 13:27
  Joanne: It's not 100%, but I've been told that that has helped them be more open with me.
• 13:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:33
  Joanne: So there.
• 13:33
  Joanne: No, I
• 13:33
  Christie: love that.
• 13:34
  Christie: Okay.
• 13:34
  Christie: That's a huge gift.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: Uh, so some of us at this table did that really well.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: Some of us did not.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: And that is something, like, if we're asking the opposite question, that is something I wish I had learned earlier.
• 13:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:50
  Cheryl: Everybody in my life wish I had learned it earlier, uh, to not be quite so transparent.
• 13:55
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:57
  Cheryl: And to kind of dump out- Mm-hmm or show my reactions.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: Y'all know I'm a d- kind of a dramatic, open person, and even when I didn't say anything, they could read it.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: But I, too much.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: I said too much too fast.
• 14:13
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:13
  Cheryl: And I'm so thankful,'cause I've changed.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: And even today, there were some conversations, and this week, with some of my grown children and some of my grandchildren, and I love it because I've changed, Joanne.
• 14:29
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:29
  Cheryl: I've been able to listen and do what we kinda talk about here, doing.
• 14:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Going,"Wow, that's really hard.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: Wow, I don't know.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: Let me process that," instead of going,"Okay, here's what you should do." Da, da, da, da, da.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: And, and giving all that advice.
• 14:43
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Cause y'all know I'm a teacher, and so what do teachers do?
• 14:48
  Cheryl: They teach Teach.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: And so I did way too much teaching- Mm way too much advice- Mm-hmm way too much transparency, Mm-hmm so that I'm
• 14:57
  Cheryl A: learning to do What you're talking
• 14:58
  Christie: about.
• 14:59
  Christie: Mm.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: So that's the shadow side of it.
• 15:01
  Cheryl: The strength I think all of my children would say they really felt me connect to them individually and be very present with them as a person,
• 15:14
  Christie: mm.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: And really listen.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: Even though I'm doing all the wrong things and failing-
• 15:19
  Christie: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm
• 15:19
  Cheryl: they really connected and felt that deeply with me.
• 15:24
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:24
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:25
  Cheryl: In all the mess-
• 15:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:27
  Christie: Yeah mm, mm-hmm.
• 15:30
  Christie: That's really good.
• 15:31
  Christie: I think for me, um, probably has to do with my priorities also of prioritizing relationship- Yeah over all things.
• 15:39
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 15:39
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 15:40
  Christie: That's good.
• 15:40
  Christie: Um, but again, there's a shadow side to it.
• 15:44
  Christie: I, I would say, A, even though I prioritized relationship, I didn't execute perfectly.
• 15:50
  Christie: So I, I missed some relational needs in there.
• 15:53
  Christie: Right.
• 15:54
  Christie: But my decisions were always made putting relationship at the top of the list.
• 16:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:01
  Christie: Um-
• 16:02
  Cheryl: Same here
• 16:02
  Christie: but I think the shadow side of that is, is that in that there's some maybe overdoing friendship with your kids or people-pleasing kinda things.
• 16:12
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:12
  Christie: And, you know, maybe some boundary lines that should've been a little more firm and so there...
• 16:18
  Christie: Yeah, there's always a shadow side to our strengths, for sure.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: Mm everybody who's listened to us for any time, I just didn't do boundaries very well.
• 16:25
  Christie: Right.
• 16:26
  Christie: But if I was going to err in a direction- Yeah I'm, I, that's the choice I made- Right was to err in the in the direction of relationship and not breaking that- Yeah connection with my kids.
• 16:36
  Joanne: Okay.
• 16:37
  Joanne: What's a parenting job you would happily never do again?
• 16:40
  Cheryl: Oh, man.
• 16:41
  Christie: Oh, I know mine right
• 16:42
  Joanne: away.
• 16:42
  Christie: Okay.
• 16:42
  Christie: Head lice.
• 16:44
  Joanne: Oh, yeah.
• 16:44
  Joanne: 100%.
• 16:45
  Joanne: Uh-huh.
• 16:45
  Joanne: I would never.
• 16:46
  Joanne: Head lice- It was awful and cleaning
• 16:47
  Christie: up vomit.
• 16:48
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 16:49
  Christie: Oh.
• 16:49
  Christie: Those are mine.
• 16:51
  Joanne: Yes.
• 16:52
  Joanne: Oh, that was a nightmare.
• 16:53
  Christie: Oh.
• 16:53
  Christie: We
• 16:53
  Joanne: only had it once.
• 16:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:54
  Christie: We, I think we had three go-rounds, two where everyone got it.
• 16:59
  Christie: Oh.
• 16:59
  Christie: All four, and all my girls have long, thick hair.
• 17:01
  Christie: Christ.
• 17:01
  Christie: I was gonna say- No your
• 17:02
  Cheryl: family has such hair.
• 17:03
  Christie: And my husband was out of town both times- Wow for the whole thing.
• 17:07
  Joanne: Nightmare.
• 17:07
  Joanne: Oh.
• 17:07
  Christie: And then one time it was just one isolated incident that resolved very quickly.
• 17:11
  Christie: Oh, gosh.
• 17:12
  Christie: But brutal.
• 17:14
  Christie: Brutal.
• 17:14
  Joanne: Oh, man.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: I remember one time everybody had the stomach thing.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: Uh-huh.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: And I was just going, cleaning up one...
• 17:22
  Cheryl: And we had to have...
• 17:24
  Christie: Anyway.
• 17:24
  Christie: We
• 17:25
  Cheryl: had to have systems in place.
• 17:26
  Cheryl: Uh-huh.
• 17:26
  Cheryl: And it was bad.
• 17:28
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 17:28
  Cheryl: I do not miss that.
• 17:29
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Um,?
• 17:31
  Cheryl: What's the question?
• 17:32
  Christie: One parenting chore That you would happily never do again
• 17:35
  Cheryl: happily never do again.
• 17:35
  Cheryl: Okay, but one of the things is I don't miss when everything's going well and then someone's acting up or- Mm-hmm doing the wrong thing that clearly is gonna need correction, and it's gonna mess up this really nice thing that we're having fun.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:51
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 17:51
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: You know, maybe we're in the car, we're going on vacation- Mm-hmm or just, just everything- Just peace-
• 17:55
  Joanne: peacemaking.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: It's all going real well, and I know I can't just let that happen.
• 18:01
  Joanne: Ugh, yeah.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: That's hard.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: And I have to break this really nice thing- Mm-hmm we've got going on and deal with it, and, like, do the good parenting thing.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: I don't wanna do this good parenting thing.
• 18:13
  Joanne: No, I get
• 18:14
  Cheryl: that.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: This is why grandparenting's so fun.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: 'Cause I don't have to do a lot of the hard parenting stuff.
• 18:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:19
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: I can say,"Well, your mom said yes," or,"Your mom said no."
• 18:21
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:23
  Cheryl: Then, okay, just because she said it, I don't have to.
• 18:25
  Joanne: Oh.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:25
  Joanne: Right.
• 18:26
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 18:26
  Joanne: Right.
• 18:27
  Joanne: Oh, that's hard.
• 18:28
  Joanne: I'd say ditto to both of yours.
• 18:30
  Joanne: Like, fights and stomach bugs and, yeah, disciplining and all that.
• 18:35
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: Okay, which one of you is the soft touch?
• 18:38
  Cheryl: Who held the line, who was the soft touch?
• 18:40
  Christie: Oh, out, like, out of my husband and I?
• 18:42
  Christie: Uh-huh.
• 18:43
  Christie: Uh, it probably depends on the thing-
• 18:45
  Cheryl: Oh
• 18:45
  Christie: on the issue.
• 18:46
  Christie: And our motives are very different of where we would give in.
• 18:50
  Christie: I was all about, like, convenience or- the thing that would make me hold the line if, if I knew, maybe it's, like, the same gendered parent situation.
• 19:00
  Christie: If I knew I was being manipulated- Oh it was like- Yes fighting words.
• 19:04
  Christie: You know, I was like,"Oh, no, we are not- Yeah we're not doing that." Um, Tim would probably be a little softer with the girls he, he was better at giving them grace if, you know, like-
• 19:16
  Cheryl: Ah, they need to follow through.
• 19:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:18
  Christie: He'd be like,"Well, you know, it wasn't that big of a deal," or...
• 19:21
  Christie: But he was really hard on work ethic.
• 19:24
  Christie: Mm.
• 19:24
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:24
  Christie: Like, If you started something, you're gonna finish it.
• 19:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:26
  Christie: You're gonna do a job well.
• 19:28
  Christie: And so we, we both had our little spots, Look
• 19:30
  Cheryl: at the balance that brought- Yeah to your family.
• 19:31
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:32
  Christie: That really did, yeah.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: What
• 19:33
  Joanne: about you,
• 19:33
  Cheryl: Joanne?
• 19:34
  Joanne: Um, I, the exact same.
• 19:35
  Joanne: Really?
• 19:35
  Joanne: Yeah, I feel like there's been, uh, several things where I'm like,"Oh, come on, like let's just..."
• 19:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:42
  Joanne: And then he's like,"No." You know, Chris would be, like, holding the line, and then there's other things where I would be like,"What?" You know?
• 19:48
  Joanne: It, so yeah, we kinda had that balance too.
• 19:50
  Joanne: I wouldn't say that one of us was softer.
• 19:53
  Joanne: Or I would say overall, though- Yeah maybe he's probably a little softer, just'cause I was around them more, like with the daily- Yeah.
• 19:59
  Joanne: Yeah...ness when they were- And you
• 20:00
  Christie: knew the, the trickle-down effect and what
• 20:02
  Joanne: was- Yes.
• 20:03
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 20:03
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 20:03
  Joanne: You know, or he'd come in from work and he- Uh-huh didn't have all the context- Right of everything, so yeah, he was like,"What's the big deal?" You know?
• 20:10
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 20:10
  Joanne: And then I have to, like, tell him, fill him in.
• 20:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:13
  Cheryl: Yeah, I'm thinking some of it is that I, as a mom, I had to do all the practical stuff, so much of the regular, regular, regular.
• 20:23
  Cheryl: And then it's, you know, 8:00 at night and he's going,"Oh, this is fun," and he's- Yes throwing him up in the air- Yeah and going,"Oh, I know.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: That'll be fun.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: Let's do that." And then so he's all the fun.
• 20:35
  Christie: Right.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: And I'm the one going,"Wait, wait, wait, wait, don't get him wound up." Yeah.
• 20:39
  Christie: Uh-huh.
• 20:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:40
  Cheryl: We can't eat ice cream at 8 o'clock at night." Right.
• 20:42
  Cheryl: And then I have to be the bad guy.
• 20:44
  Cheryl: "No, Yas." I know he said ice cream, but-
• 20:46
  Christie: Uh-huh
• 20:47
  Cheryl: I didn't like that part.
• 20:47
  Christie: Yeah, I called that Disneyland Dad.
• 20:49
  Christie: I'm like,"You can't come in here- I like that with Disneyland Dad and then I have to be, like, Drill Sergeant Mom- Yes tomorrow morning." Yeah.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: So, uh, but it brought balance in.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: When you can have that maturity-
• 21:01
  Christie: Uh-huh
• 21:02
  Cheryl: you know, that 30,000- Yeah foot view, it just brings so much balance.
• 21:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:06
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:06
  Cheryl: You
• 21:07
  Christie: know?
• 21:07
  Christie: It's hard because you don't have that in the beginning.
• 21:09
  Cheryl: No.
• 21:09
  Christie: You know?
• 21:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:10
  Christie: It's kinda the only way through it.
• 21:12
  Joanne: It's true.
• 21:13
  Christie: Okay, well, I've got a, a question.
• 21:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:14
  Christie: What do you guys wish you had been more strict about and really stuck to your guns about-
• 21:22
  Joanne: Hmm
• 21:22
  Christie: that you maybe didn't prioritize?
• 21:26
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 21:27
  Joanne: That's tough.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: Yeah, probably a lot of follow through.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: Um, you know, like I have a friend and they have all these...
• 21:36
  Cheryl: They really did like all the chore charts.
• 21:38
  Christie: Mm.
• 21:39
  Cheryl: And Mm-hmm their kids always had their rooms clean, and a place for everything and everything in its place.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: And their rooms, you know...
• 21:47
  Cheryl: We just spent so much of our life shoveling out Legos and, you know,
• 21:54
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:54
  Cheryl: But the strength of that is we had a lot of fun.
• 21:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: And we enjoyed, but I, I wish I had, um, been able to do a little bit more of that-
• 22:05
  Christie: Mm-hmm where,
• 22:06
  Cheryl: you know, we didn't keep quite so much stuff, and that they really did have boxes and everything went back in a...
• 22:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:12
  Cheryl: I know it doesn't really matter, but it would've made things flow a little easier.
• 22:16
  Cheryl: Created
• 22:16
  Christie: some order.
• 22:17
  Christie: Right.
• 22:17
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:18
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:18
  Christie: Mine- Oof.
• 22:19
  Christie: What about you?
• 22:19
  Christie: Mine's similar.
• 22:20
  Christie: It, it has, like, discipline, um, like, and maybe more, like, with academics, or, like, piano or disciplines- Mm like that.
• 22:30
  Christie: Mm I wish I would've maybe put some, you know, requirements on what their exposures were and- Yeah and things like that.
• 22:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:37
  Christie: But I was a little more like,"Well, do you wanna play piano?" Yeah.
• 22:40
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:40
  Christie: You know, I kinda wish I would've said,"No, let's all try a sport," or,"Let's all try this," and- Right Right I maybe took a little too much input from them- Yeah or- Same here thought, well, they're just not good at math.
• 22:51
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 22:51
  Christie: It's fine.
• 22:52
  Joanne: Mm.
• 22:52
  Joanne: Man.
• 22:53
  Cheryl: What
• 22:53
  Joanne: about you,
• 22:53
  Cheryl: Joanne?
• 22:54
  Joanne: I don't know.
• 22:54
  Joanne: I'm still thinking.
• 22:55
  Joanne: I mean, a, a lot of what you guys have said is true um, I don't...
• 22:59
  Joanne: Maybe it would've been just not saying as, uh, yes to as much.
• 23:05
  Joanne: Like, I think- Yeah depending on the personality of my kids, if they were really strong, sometimes I probably let them drive the, the boat a little more- Mm than I should've let'em.
• 23:17
  Joanne: Like, and not in terribly bad ways, but like you said, Christie, with certain, like, sports activities.
• 23:22
  Joanne: Like, looking back and I'm like,"I cannot believe we did that many hours of practice." Yeah.
• 23:27
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 23:27
  Joanne: You know?
• 23:27
  Joanne: And I'm like,"Why did we...
• 23:28
  Joanne: And it was because that particular kid had a, like a more forceful opinion about it.
• 23:33
  Christie: Right.
• 23:33
  Joanne: Um, and we were able to, but should I have?
• 23:37
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 23:37
  Joanne: I, I think maybe I would've been a little more firm with my stronger personalities.
• 23:42
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:44
  Cheryl: If we can say it here, what would your kids say that you blew, that you didn't do right as a parent?
• 23:50
  Cheryl: Ooh.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Is there something you can say here?
• 23:53
  Cheryl: Um, I will start out because I'll say because my kids are way older than yours are.
• 23:58
  Cheryl: Um- a lot of it I got the pushback in their late teens and 20s, and that they started telling me all the things that I should have done that I didn't do right, and, they could tell me, um, whatever it was,"Mom," like you're saying academics,"You made us do too much academics." Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: Or,"Oh, we should have followed through on the sports." Or, you know, it, it doesn't matter what it was I would say I've gotten input on a lot of it.
• 24:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 24:30
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:31
  Christie: Right.
• 24:31
  Cheryl: The problem is, what they don't all know yet, is that it's a continuum.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:39
  Cheryl: And all of it, there's- Mm-hmm so much nuance in there.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: And y'all, I was trying to figure it all out.
• 24:45
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 24:46
  Joanne: Mm.
• 24:46
  Cheryl: And this is my first time through life.
• 24:48
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 24:49
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 24:49
  Cheryl: when you're up close, and it's always new.
• 24:54
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: I, you know, I never had this many children, or this age, or this much money, or this little money, or whatever it is.
• 25:00
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: And so, um- It was really hard because I took all those critiques to heart.
• 25:06
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:07
  Christie: Right.
• 25:07
  Cheryl: You know?
• 25:08
  Christie: Mm.
• 25:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:08
  Cheryl: And, um, now
• 25:10
  Cheryl A: for the most part, if it's real, I can just take it, what we're talking about- Yeah that emotional growth, to say,"I'm so sorry."
• 25:18
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: You know?
• 25:19
  Cheryl: "I'm really sorry.
• 25:20
  Cheryl: I was trying to love you the best way I knew how, and,
• 25:23
  Cheryl A: with New information and a lot of time, and I might have made a different decision."
• 25:28
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:28
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: Did your children think you were balanced and just handled everything well?
• 25:33
  Cheryl: No.
• 25:33
  Cheryl: No.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: No?
• 25:34
  Cheryl: And part of that problem is- No some things get built into the family lore-
• 25:39
  Christie: Yeah
• 25:39
  Cheryl: the narrative.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: And it's shared sometimes horizontally- Right when it's not accurately what really happened.
• 25:46
  Christie: Right.
• 25:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 25:47
  Christie: Well, yeah, and the circumstances, uh, you know, everyone finds themselves in a situation where they're like,"Well, I don't wanna overreact, but- Right I don't wanna under-react either." And, they Say often the opposite too, where I overreacted on something.
• 26:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:00
  Christie: They're like,"Oh, you know, we couldn't go to the mailbox without Mom thinking a kidnapper- Yeah was gonna come and just swoop us off the curb" Mm-hmm.
• 26:07
  Christie: And so yeah, I guess just they would say my reactions were not always balanced.
• 26:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:13
  Cheryl: You know?
• 26:13
  Cheryl: And kind of back to what you- Well, I would say that too said about your, the, those programs and streaming that came into your family in 2020.
• 26:21
  Joanne: Uh-huh.
• 26:21
  Cheryl: Uh, you know, I've been critiqued,"Oh, you didn't let us know enough about what's going on in in culture."
• 26:28
  Joanne: Sure.
• 26:29
  Christie: Yeah
• 26:29
  Cheryl: you shouldn't
• 26:30
  Christie: have let me watch Jurassic Park- Yeah.
• 26:31
  Christie: but I should have been able to watch SpongeBob.
• 26:33
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:34
  Cheryl: There we go.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: That is so funny.
• 26:36
  Cheryl: That is, that is a good summation.
• 26:37
  Cheryl: Uh-huh.
• 26:38
  Cheryl: You know?
• 26:38
  Joanne: I know.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: Wonderful.
• 26:39
  Joanne: I would say, I don't know., I guess the jury's still out.
• 26:42
  Joanne: I, they'll Right.
• 26:44
  Joanne: Yeah, because your kids are young.
• 26:45
  Joanne: Mine are still young at, yeah.
• 26:45
  Christie: Processing-
• 26:46
  Joanne: Uh, yeah in three to five years.
• 26:47
  Joanne: I'll, I'll get back to you guys.
• 26:49
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 26:49
  Joanne: I, I do know one thing that I- they have told me, is I struggle with sometimes if I'm stressed about something else, either it could be a conflict with one of my kids, and I tend to take it out on Oh, ah whoever comes up to me.
• 27:04
  Joanne: So yeah, I've- they've told me, like,"You're not,, upset about this.
• 27:08
  Joanne: You're upset about whatever else," you know?
• 27:10
  Joanne: Right.
• 27:11
  Joanne: And it's true.
• 27:11
  Joanne: That's just something that I struggle with, is I, I can let my stress with other things,
• 27:16
  Cheryl: uh- I guess this is called
• 27:17
  Joanne: true confessions bleed out, yeah.
• 27:18
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 27:18
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 27:19
  Joanne: I know, I know.
• 27:21
  Joanne: Is this great?
• 27:21
  Joanne: It's-
• 27:21
  Cheryl: Um, it's a, a parenting podcast reality show or something.
• 27:25
  Cheryl: There you go.
• 27:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:25
  Cheryl: All right.
• 27:26
  Cheryl: So this has been fun.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: How about this?
• 27:29
  Cheryl: What is something that you
• 27:31
  Cheryl A: just miss.
• 27:32
  Cheryl A: that when you reflect back on your parenting, you miss it?
• 27:36
  Joanne: Aw.
• 27:38
  Joanne: Oh, for me, I would say, um, we would have pizza movie nights every Friday night.
• 27:45
  Joanne: Aw.
• 27:45
  Joanne: Um, or at least once on the weekend, and so that was, like, a big deal.
• 27:48
  Joanne: When my kids were little, we would, all week we'd know we have this time together.
• 27:52
  Christie: Mm.
• 27:52
  Joanne: And so now we still do that, it's just fewer and far between depending on work- Mm schedules and- Mm-hmm social, obligations that they have.
• 28:01
  Joanne: But yeah, that was a really sweet time, um, that even as we would be doing it, I knew how- brief that time would be- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm so, I feel good that we really enjoyed the experience.
• 28:12
  Joanne: And I love it.
• 28:13
  Joanne: I love that.
• 28:13
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 28:13
  Joanne: But I miss that.
• 28:14
  Cheryl: I, I would say similar.
• 28:17
  Cheryl: Just when you have all that time to be together.
• 28:20
  Joanne: Mm.
• 28:21
  Cheryl: And you can just- Mm-hmm enjoy conversations, and, you know, you're fixing dinner, and they come in and share about what they did or what they're learning or, you know, just- You get to actually really share ongoing daily life with them-
• 28:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 28:37
  Cheryl: separate from the mess.
• 28:38
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 28:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 28:39
  Cheryl: But just relationships, and that you have all the time to do it.
• 28:43
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 28:45
  Cheryl: Where now, there's, it's, um, a treasured-
• 28:49
  Christie: Yeah, yeah
• 28:49
  Cheryl: thing that we don't get that much time together.
• 28:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 28:53
  Christie: Um, I have two that come to mind that are, like, the memories that live rent-free in my head.
• 28:59
  Christie: One is a freshly bathed newborn baby.
• 29:02
  Christie: Oh,
• 29:02
  Joanne: yeah.
• 29:03
  Christie: Yeah.
• 29:03
  Christie: Oh, yeah.
• 29:04
  Christie: Or, you know, infant in their jammies, and the smell- Yes and the cuddles.
• 29:07
  Christie: The pajamas.
• 29:08
  Christie: The footy
• 29:08
  Cheryl: pajamas.
• 29:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 29:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 29:09
  Christie: Oh.
• 29:10
  Christie: Those
• 29:10
  Joanne: are so cute.
• 29:10
  Christie: Yes.
• 29:12
  Christie: And the other is very specific, I think.
• 29:15
  Christie: But it's a, a fall evening when it's just starting to get cold.
• 29:19
  Christie: Mm.
• 29:20
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 29:20
  Christie: And the kids play outside till they just can't play anymore- Yeah and it, their little cheeks are- red, and they smell like a wet dog- Yes because they've been digging in the leaves- Oh and the dirt.
• 29:30
  Christie: And even better if there's, like, soup in the Crockpot- Yeah you know, and the kitchen's already clean.
• 29:35
  Christie: Oh, I love it.
• 29:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 29:36
  Christie: And you're waiting on Dad to get home.
• 29:38
  Christie: Like, that, those are, that's the memory that I just will freeze in my mind forever.
• 29:42
  Christie: That's sweet.
• 29:42
  Christie: But I love that time of year
• 29:44
  Cheryl: okay, and we absolutely have to wrap this up.
• 29:46
  Cheryl: But I think this was fun.
• 29:48
  Cheryl: I enjoyed it because we kinda explored the aspects of parenting and a lot of the yuck of parenting.
• 29:55
  Cheryl: But this is what I'd like to leave with our audience is, hold onto this sweet memory.
• 30:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:02
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 30:03
  Cheryl: That it really is special.
• 30:05
  Cheryl: And try to get through the yuck to enjoy what we really do, that the most amazing job ever that
• 30:17
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 30:17
  Cheryl: nobody's ever prepared for.
• 30:19
  Cheryl: You don't, you have no idea.
• 30:20
  Joanne: Right.
• 30:21
  Cheryl: And the problem is, by the time you really know what you're doing, it's all over- Mm-hmm and they're parents.
• 30:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 30:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 30:27
  Cheryl: Um, to just, um, take the time to really enjoy.
• 30:31
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:31
  Cheryl: Savor.
• 30:32
  Cheryl: Like, what you were doing, I was with you.
• 30:35
  Cheryl: I smelled what they smell like when they come in.
• 30:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 30:37
  Christie: Mm.
• 30:38
  Cheryl: You know, and they just slobber all over, and you hold them.
• 30:41
  Cheryl: And just the, the wonderful thing, or even as they get older, just that enjoy it, you know?
• 30:48
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 30:48
  Cheryl: It's really wonderful.
• 30:50
  Cheryl: And, um- Listen to the voices that bring balance into this when we're so harsh on ourselves.
• 30:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 30:57
  Cheryl: Cause even this conversation, we're going,"Oh, well, and then I did this wrong."
• 31:01
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 31:01
  Cheryl: You know?
• 31:02
  Cheryl: It's just an amazing opportunity we have to love people, um, in a way we didn't know how we were supposed to.
• 31:10
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 31:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 31:11
  Cheryl: Well, thank you all so much.
• 31:13
  Christie: Yeah.
• 31:13
  Christie: Thank you.
• 31:13
  Christie: Yes.
• 31:14
  Cheryl: So parents- hang in there.
• 31:17
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 31:18
  Cheryl: Keep persevering, because it's worth it
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: If you're right in the middle of parenting, give yourself some room to not know everything yet.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: There's so much we can only see with time.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: Keep paying attention to the child in front of you, keep learning, and leave room for grace, for them and yourself And we'd really love to hear your answers to some of these questions.
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: What would you have said around the table with us?
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: You can reach us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.