Latest / Thrive After 45® | Life After 45, Self-Trust, Midlife Women / You Hold the Key with Parita Kuttappan

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You Hold the Key with Parita Kuttappan · Thrive After 45® | Life After 45, Self-Trust, Midlife Women

• 0:00
  Hello, and welcome to today's episode of Thrive After 45.
• 0:06
  I'm Denise Drinkwalter, midlife mentor and mirror, and every week I am so honored to share energy and space with inspiring guests whose stories reflect so many possibilities of thriving beyond 45.
• 0:22
  Together, we uncover the whispers of the heart, the power of midlife transformation, and the wisdom that fuels expansion, because when one woman turns her light on, the rest of the room catches fire.
• 0:38
  What if the version of yourself you're chasing is actually the one you are already waiting to be uncovered?
• 0:49
  My guest today spent over 16 years inside the machinery of corporate America building a career in human resources.
• 0:59
  She knew the systems.
• 1:00
  She knew how organizations move people, promote people, and too often lose people along the way.
• 1:08
  And then she left it, not out of burnout alone, but only out of a pull towards something more values-driven, more tangible.
• 1:19
  In just under five years as an executive coach, she's personally gli- guided nearly 90 people from where they're stuck to where they actually want to be.
• 1:31
  In guilt, in boundaries, in leadership, in burnout, in the way they communicate with the people who matter most.
• 1:38
  She doesn't hand her clients a map.
• 1:41
  She helps them find their own next best step.
• 1:46
  It is an honor and a privilege to welcome Parita Catapan to our show today Thank you for having me, Denise.
• 1:56
  I'm so excited to be here.
• 1:58
  Such a privilege.
• 1:59
  We were talking before we pushed record that it's been a year since we connected.
• 2:04
  Yes.
• 2:05
  I, I am so honored that you stayed along that journey, and I'm sure there's some story and some pieces that we'll pull out that's happened over that year, um, because, well, I just couldn't believe it's been a year, and it has.
• 2:18
  Mm-hmm, yeah.
• 2:18
  I just, time just flies, doesn't it?
• 2:20
  Absolutely.
• 2:22
  Which is another good reason for people to learn more about who you are, and I know the intro shared a bit, but we would love to hear your story and how you got to where you are today, and what is your passion behind it?
• 2:36
  Yeah, absolutely would love to share.
• 2:38
  So I am someone who's always been a sort of check the box kind of person.
• 2:42
  So I've, you know, been given boxes to check.
• 2:44
  I've created my own along the way, and I made sure that I checked them every step of the way.
• 2:48
  And at some point when I, when I started my career, a voice in my head would just...
• 2:54
  You know, I'd be working, and it would just come up and say,"There's something more." And that voice actually showed up at various parts of my career until I decided to eventually shift out of the corporate world, where I had a long-standing, very fulfilling, travel-filled, you know, there were promotions.
• 3:11
  There were lots of opportunities, wonderful people I worked with over the years.
• 3:14
  But I decided to step away from that because the voice never disappeared.
• 3:17
  Mm.
• 3:17
  Even though I would tell myself,"Okay, after this promotion, you know, I'll feel like I'm adding the kind of value I think I can add," or,"After this promotion, this will happen," or,"After I s- do this kind of a project or work with this individual, things will change.
• 3:29
  It's okay.
• 3:29
  Keep going." Mm.
• 3:30
  Mm.
• 3:30
  And I think for me, it was a very values-based decision.
• 3:33
  I loved my organization.
• 3:34
  I loved the people I worked for.
• 3:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:36
  Very appreciative of all that, but I wanted to do something where I could have a direct impact on other people's lives.
• 3:42
  I, I think I had an indirect impact in a lot of ways in my, in my corporate career, but I wanted to have a direct impact on people's lives.
• 3:47
  And being in HR, coaching was always sort of part of that do- job description in one capacity or another.
• 3:53
  And so I decided to get s- my coaching certification.
• 3:56
  it was actually ironically during the pandemic where that happened.
• 3:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 3:59
  And then a few years later, couple years later, I, I left my corporate career and started my coaching firm, Awarefi Coaching, to do just that, to help people, like you said in the intro- Mm-hmm figure out where, how they're going to get from where they are to where they wanna be.
• 4:12
  I don't think people really need help coming up with goals.
• 4:15
  That's never been an issue I've seen in anyone.
• 4:17
  They know what they want.
• 4:18
  Yeah.
• 4:18
  When asked the right questions, when you just push a little bit, people know what they want.
• 4:21
  Mm-hmm.
• 4:21
  But it's, that's where they get stuck, is I know what I wanna do, I just don't know how to get there.
• 4:25
  Yeah.
• 4:26
  And they need a little bit of accountability.
• 4:27
  They need a little bit of a push to say,"Okay, what's the worst thing that's gonna happen?
• 4:31
  What's the best thing that's gonna happen?" Mm.
• 4:32
  "Let's throw some spaghetti on the wall and see what sticks." Mm-hmm.
• 4:35
  and so that work has been very, very fulfilling for me.
• 4:37
  Now, building a business is a little bit of a different story.
• 4:40
  It's hard.
• 4:40
  but the work itself is- Yeah just something that I'm so grateful that I get to do.
• 4:44
  Yeah.
• 4:46
  So in that journey, when you talked about just the,"I'm just gonna do this one more thing, and I think that's going to create something bigger or different or I think this will move my needle," it sounds like you did that for a fairly long time before you went,"Whoa, this is..." Yeah.
• 5:03
  Was there something that happened specifically that made you have to sit back and go,"Whoa, this is not okay"?
• 5:11
  Yeah.
• 5:11
  I think for me, a lot of it was not my company, but the role I was in.
• 5:15
  So I was, based in the US but working with a global team, and I was also pregnant with my second child at the time.
• 5:21
  Mm-hmm.
• 5:21
  So I would wake up...
• 5:22
  I remember just days before I went to the hospital to deliver her, maybe a week before, I would wake up at 4:30 in the morning to take a call with Africa, and then in the evenings, I'd be on a call with, with, um, you know, Asia.
• 5:32
  Sure.
• 5:33
  And in between, I had a lot of, I had a lot of autonomy and flexibility, but it was still hard on me.
• 5:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 5:37
  And I think after having kids and thinking about the kind of life I wanted to build, where not only was it values driven from a personal value set, but also values driven from what values I want my family to live by.
• 5:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 5:49
  And I'll also mention that I was lucky and privileged that w- around the time that I made the transition, my husband also finished up his medical fellowship.
• 5:57
  We moved back home, and- Mm-hmm I was able to do that.
• 6:00
  So I think I had a good safety net- Sure underneath.
• 6:02
  I think that's important to acknowledge, because not everybody can just quit their day job and start a business.
• 6:06
  That's not- Yeah you know, that's not feasible for everyone.
• 6:09
  And so.
• 6:09
  Yeah.
• 6:10
  Thank you for saying that, because there's...
• 6:12
  Oh, my gosh, there's a lot of stuff, I'm putting my fingers up for those- Mm-hmm who are not on YouTube and watching the video, in quotations, there's a lot of stuff out there saying,"Oh, just quit and start your own business.
• 6:23
  Entrepreneurial life.
• 6:24
  You're gonna live your dream, have the cars and the travel-" 30K month.
• 6:28
  luxury." Right.
• 6:29
  You know, like 60K month, and you're like,"What?
• 6:31
  Where is that coming from?" I don't know.
• 6:33
  It's a lot of work.
• 6:34
  I mean, it- Yeah it tests you in so many ways.
• 6:36
  For sure.
• 6:37
  But yeah.
• 6:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 6:39
  So what I find happening is that people are really being torn in so many ways.
• 6:45
  And, and how do you help people see what it is that they really want to do?
• 6:52
  Because you shared earlier, not that long ago, that people do know what it is they want, they just don't know how to get there, right?
• 6:59
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:00
  So I think a lot of it comes down to asking the right questions, and that's my job as a coach, right?
• 7:04
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:04
  So I've never lived a day in the life of my client.
• 7:06
  Mm-hmm but I can ask them a lot of open-ended, you know, big, small questions to really dig a little bit deeper into their thinking.
• 7:13
  Nice.
• 7:13
  Because what I find, Denise, is that a lot of people- You know, I think if, if people had unlimited time to kind of think about what they wanted and do that and have space to do that, coaches wouldn't exist, right?
• 7:22
  That we would...
• 7:23
  There would be no need.
• 7:24
  But I like to think of that, that hour-long coaching session with someone as sacred time, where that's for them.
• 7:29
  Yeah.
• 7:29
  That's not for their kids.
• 7:30
  That's not...
• 7:31
  I mean, yes, it affects everybody, but that's time for them to think about what it is they want, and I think that's most of the magic right there.
• 7:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:37
  Is having the time and space with someone who's invested in your journey, who cares about you, wants to cheer you on, and is also willing to sit there and ask you the big questions.
• 7:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:45
  But isn't really part of your day-to-day life.
• 7:47
  Right.
• 7:47
  Doesn't know you in that way.
• 7:49
  So I'm not your best friend, I'm not your me- I'm not a mentor, I'm not a, you know, a consultant.
• 7:53
  I'm there to really act as a coach and ask those big questions.
• 7:56
  Yeah.
• 7:56
  And once you start doing that, it's, it's just, it's crazy how so many things start flowing out, and people will say,"Oh my gosh, I didn't even know I wanted that," or,"I didn't even know that was something that was on the radar for me," and it just came out.
• 8:07
  And that's also when you start to realize to the point of I don't know how to get to where I wanna be.
• 8:11
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:11
  What's keeping you stuck?
• 8:12
  Yeah.
• 8:12
  And so a lot of times working women especially will say to me- Mm-hmm something along the lines of,"Well, oh, no, I ca- I can't do that because, you know, this person will think this, and then that'll mean this," and they'll go into- Mm-hmm this whole rabbit hole of all the effects of that one decision.
• 8:25
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:26
  And I'll just back them up and be like,"Let's back up for a second.
• 8:27
  Who's told you you can't do that?
• 8:29
  Was it a, you know, did a boss say that?
• 8:31
  You know." Mm-hmm.
• 8:32
  "No, I, I, I said that to myself." Mm-hmm.
• 8:34
  So a lot of the times we're just holding ourselves back- Right from what it is we want, and that gets uncovered pretty quickly.
• 8:39
  Well, and isn't that powerful too?
• 8:41
  Because you're holding yourself back, so you have the key to be able to- Mm-hmm unlock that and move it forward, right?
• 8:48
  Absolutely.
• 8:49
  In everything, in everything Right career, home, health.
• 8:52
  You know, it, the, we hold the key.
• 8:54
  We have to almost, we have to give ourselves permission to put it, and turn the, turn, you know, turn it so that the door opens up.
• 9:00
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:02
  Think about that for just a minute, our listeners who are listening to the conversation we're having today.
• 9:08
  The power is actually in your own hands, and when you step into that and you do this work for you, by you, because of you, everything in what I call your sphere of influence gets to change, because you are changing yourself from the inside out, right?
• 9:23
  Right.
• 9:24
  Yeah, yeah.
• 9:25
  And having conversations with Parita will help you begin putting the numbers, if you say you're not using a lock and key, but you're using the, you know, the numbers where you...
• 9:36
  What do you call that?
• 9:37
  Help me.
• 9:38
  it's like a- You know, the, combination lock it's like those old...
• 9:40
  Yes, combination.
• 9:40
  There we go.
• 9:41
  I- The midwife frame.
• 9:41
  Yeah.
• 9:42
  I'm, right?
• 9:42
  I was going back to the high school, what's that thing ca- combination lock.
• 9:46
  Yeah.
• 9:46
  Yeah.
• 9:46
  Exactly, exactly.
• 9:47
  Putting them in the right order.
• 9:48
  She's helping you find the numbers so you can put the right combination to get that lock open, because it's inside of you.
• 9:55
  And it's incredible, you shared, and I, and I'd love to know more about what's coming up as we talk about this, but your belief systems are, and your values, where did they come from?
• 10:06
  And are they still aligned?
• 10:08
  Ooh.
• 10:08
  So is- Yeah I'd love to hear more on your work around that.
• 10:11
  Yeah.
• 10:12
  I would say they've shifted a little bit over the years.
• 10:14
  And so s- Mm-hmm some of the core things that I've had since probably day one are still there.
• 10:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:17
  So I'm very much the same person I was when I was eight years old in a lot of ways.
• 10:21
  Yes.
• 10:21
  I think they started with my family.
• 10:23
  So I'm the child of two immigrants, who worked very, very hard once they came to America to build a life and give my sister and I opportunities, which my parents did beautifully.
• 10:31
  they sacrificed- Mm a lot.
• 10:32
  And I saw how hard they worked at jobs that they honestly did them for the paycheck, you know?
• 10:38
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• 10:38
  And they worked with great people, and my mom had a lot of opportunities- Sure in her career, but she didn't do it out of like a, a sense of personal fulfillment or- Mm-hmm her own value system.
• 10:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:46
  It was really about getting food on the table, paying the bills.
• 10:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:49
  Surviving, not thriving.
• 10:50
  Yeah.
• 10:51
  And I'm very lucky as a first generation American to have, to be able to not just survive, but thrive for many reasons.
• 10:58
  Yeah.
• 10:58
  Right?
• 10:58
  And so growing up a lot of my values were around being a hard worker, Yep you know, being there for others, Caring a little bit about what other people think.
• 11:06
  You know, that was part of my value system.
• 11:07
  Sure.
• 11:07
  and, and being a good friend, being a good daughter, you know, being what other people needed me to be.
• 11:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:12
  And I would say I held onto that for, for many, many years.
• 11:14
  And I would say I'm still a hard worker.
• 11:16
  A vali- family is still very valuable to me or, or is a value of mine.
• 11:19
  Yeah.
• 11:19
  Yeah.
• 11:19
  but I think what I've started to let go of is that idea that I need to be everything to everyone.
• 11:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:25
  If somebody doesn't think that I'm doing a good job, that means I'm not a good person.
• 11:28
  So releasing the shame, shaving that off.
• 11:31
  Yeah.
• 11:31
  Because I think that doesn't help anybody, right?
• 11:33
  Right.
• 11:33
  And then the whole people pleasing, I know it's so cliche, but you know, I, I lived that life for so long.
• 11:38
  Yeah.
• 11:38
  And I've realized over the years that the only opinion at the end of the day that matters is my own.
• 11:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:44
  And as lo- and my mom always said to me,"As long as you're doing what you're doing with a kind heart, and you're not intentionally-" Mm-hmm trying to hurt anybody, you're gonna be okay." Yeah.
• 11:51
  And I've kinda held onto that because- Mm-hmm I think a lot of times, especially as your parents are aging, your kids are, you know, you're raising your ch- kids.
• 11:59
  You have friends who are going through things.
• 12:01
  Yep.
• 12:01
  You know, you- Mm-hmm you wanna be there for everyone.
• 12:03
  You wanna give your all.
• 12:04
  Right.
• 12:04
  But from an energy perspective and, and from a logistical perspective, it's not possible.
• 12:08
  Mm-hmm.
• 12:08
  And so doing the best you can.
• 12:10
  Mm-hmm.
• 12:11
  And I think that's more of my value.
• 12:12
  You know, is doing the best I can with what I have versus giving my all to everyone.
• 12:17
  Yeah.
• 12:17
  What happens when you give your all to everyone?
• 12:19
  Is there anything left for ourselves really?
• 12:22
  Right?
• 12:23
  No.
• 12:23
  No.
• 12:24
  No.
• 12:24
  So I always like to say, you know that cup analogy where it's like- Yeah pour in your cup?
• 12:27
  And then I like to say pour into your cup so that the overflow can go to everybody else.
• 12:32
  Yeah.
• 12:32
  And you keep what's in the cup for you.
• 12:34
  Yeah.
• 12:35
  And- The overflow should go for everyone else.
• 12:37
  Absolutely.
• 12:38
  And when you do that, I love that analogy'cause I'm visualizing it right now, and you can only hold so much for yourself, so it's automatically gonna spill over to others- Mm-hmm right?
• 12:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 12:48
  Without you having to do anything.
• 12:50
  You don't have to create the circumstances so that everybody else wins.
• 12:54
  Right.
• 12:55
  It's...
• 12:56
  Why is that so counterintuitive for us, in particular as women, as that's who our audience w- we're speaking to?
• 13:02
  Yeah.
• 13:03
  Yeah.
• 13:03
  I, you know, I have my thoughts on this.
• 13:05
  I don't know if everybody- Mm-hmm will agree, but I think it's a- That's okay it's a societal thing.
• 13:08
  I've coached many women and have had many women who have been coworkers from around the world.
• 13:11
  So I used to think- Yeah it was a South Asian thing, just something I grew up seeing, like my grandmother, my aunts, my mom, cousins, et cetera.
• 13:18
  I was like,"This just must be in our DNA as- Mm a South Asian woman." And then I've talked to people in Europe, in Australia, in Latin America, and they're like,"No, this is women everywhere." Mm.
• 13:27
  And I really think it's like a societal construct of this is just what women do.
• 13:31
  To be a good- Mm-hmm mom- Mm to be a good wife, to be a good aunt, to be a good friend, you just have to give all of yourself.
• 13:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:39
  And, you know, I did that for so long, and I realized that the only person who was really unhappy was me.
• 13:44
  Everybody else was fine, you know?
• 13:46
  Yeah.
• 13:46
  But those who knew me knew that I wasn't thriving.
• 13:48
  Yeah.
• 13:48
  I wasn't living the life that was, you know, that I wanted to live.
• 13:52
  Yeah.
• 13:52
  And so, and I'm not saying be selfish, but I'm saying you have to think about your energy.
• 13:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 13:56
  You have to think,"How much do I have to give?" Mm-hmm.
• 13:59
  "And what do people actually need from me?" So I think something that a lot of women do- Mm.
• 14:02
  Mm-hmm is they over-give.
• 14:04
  So if somebody just wants, you know, let's say a friend is going through a hard time- Yeah and they really just need help with, let's say, a little bit of food.
• 14:11
  You know, they just need you- Yeah to bring a casserole or something.
• 14:13
  Yeah.
• 14:13
  Some women will go above and beyond and organize the whole meal train.
• 14:16
  Yeah.
• 14:17
  They'll get all this other...
• 14:17
  They're just...
• 14:18
  And it's like, think about what that person really needs from you and try to do that.
• 14:21
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:22
  And so I think we overextend ourselves a lot- Yeah because I just think that's what we've grown up seeing.
• 14:26
  Yeah.
• 14:27
  It's, it- Yeah it's just, you know, the patterns that we've grown up seeing, and it takes courage and it takes a lot of introspection to think- Mm-hmm Where am I giving my energy where I could probably scale back a little and pour into my cup a little bit more so that when the, the cup starts overflowing, it can then go to everybody else who needs it.
• 14:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:44
  Yeah.
• 14:44
  And I think especially moms and, you know, if you have younger children- Yeah or teenage children, we again overextend ourselves all the time instead of putting that power back into our kids' hands, our husband's- Mm-hmm hands, our partner's hands, our friends' ha- right?
• 14:55
  It, it...
• 14:56
  we hold onto that because we think we're the ones who have all the answers for everybody.
• 14:59
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:59
  And I just, I don't believe that can be true anymore.
• 15:02
  Mm-hmm and I just think that that is one of the reasons why women experience more autoimmune disease, women...
• 15:07
  you know, it- Mm-hmm we just go through so much and then we're just adding on- Mm-hmm to everything we're already going to inevitably be e- experiencing in midlife.
• 15:15
  I love that because I, I would absolutely concur with that and say that when we think about it, it becomes scary.
• 15:24
  That's the thing that I hear a lot of women talk about.
• 15:27
  "Well, if I do that," you mentioned egocentric, and I'm like, you know what?
• 15:31
  I used to be one of those who used to think that.
• 15:34
  this is a conditioning, I would say.
• 15:36
  It's not spoken about.
• 15:37
  I don't know if you've noticed that, but it's not spoken about.
• 15:40
  It's just an understanding.
• 15:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:41
  It's just a baseline of understanding.
• 15:44
  Good people do this.
• 15:45
  Good women do this.
• 15:46
  Good girls do it this way.
• 15:48
  And, and we're so much more aware of how that's impacting us collectively- Mm-hmm that we're starting to go,"Wait a minute." So when we talk about filling our cups, it's not from the lens of egocentricity.
• 16:02
  No.
• 16:02
  It's from the lens of capacity, because you cannot give when you are shut down, and there are so many women that have a burnout where their body goes into- inflammation.
• 16:16
  You mentioned, right?
• 16:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:18
  Autoimmune, whatever Right and it's a result of holding everything for everybody.
• 16:23
  Eventually, the bridge is gonna break.
• 16:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:24
  You watch.
• 16:25
  I was actually going for my, my haircut today, and- we had to slow down because there was a new bridge being built.
• 16:32
  Over time, you need to rebuild, right?
• 16:35
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:35
  Yeah.
• 16:35
  It's going to wear itself out.
• 16:38
  so why not do this way younger than when I began to open up my eyes and go,"Wait a minute here.
• 16:46
  Why, why, why not?" Like when- Yeah everybody else will win, why wouldn't we do that, right?
• 16:51
  Yeah.
• 16:51
  And also just thinking about who benefits when you overextend- Yeah or you pour out of an empty cup, right?
• 16:57
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:57
  Nobody really benefits.
• 16:58
  Not your kids, not your partner, not your family, not your friends.
• 17:01
  Nobody benefits from that.
• 17:02
  Nope.
• 17:02
  Not you, obviously.
• 17:04
  Yeah.
• 17:04
  So it's almost like, why are we doing it then?
• 17:06
  And you really have to sit with that question a little bit and, and- Mm dig and dig and dig to get- Mm to the answer and then realize- Mm-hmm okay, I, I have, again, that key analogy.
• 17:14
  I have the key to open a different door- Yeah and step into that.
• 17:16
  I have the power to do so.
• 17:18
  Absolutely.
• 17:19
  Absolutely.
• 17:20
  And it might not be as easily done by yourself.
• 17:25
  Right.
• 17:25
  Because we, we're so close to it, we can't see the forest for the trees, right?
• 17:31
  Right?
• 17:31
  No, you're right.
• 17:32
  Yeah.
• 17:32
  Yeah.
• 17:32
  And it's a very scary thing to do- Yeah is to change how you've always operated, how you've always seen others operate.
• 17:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:38
  To be sort of a cycle breaker in that way that so many women are nowadays, right?
• 17:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:41
  And, and, and I think that's it's a, it's a hard thing to do, to set boundaries- Yeah, yeah to, you know, have different kinds of conversation with people to say,"Oh, sorry, I won't be able to make it to that," when you've- Mm-hmm always been the yes person.
• 17:52
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:53
  Yeah.
• 17:53
  Or the I-can-do-that person.
• 17:54
  Yeah.
• 17:55
  Yeah.
• 17:55
  It's, it's hard, but it is possible.
• 17:57
  Very possible.
• 17:57
  Well, it is.
• 17:59
  And what I think is important, and give me feedback here on this one, but I believe once you start to really dig into the values of what it is that you really want in your life, because you're in charge of your value system.
• 18:14
  So start to really tease out, what are my values?
• 18:17
  'Cause I know- Yeah I work with women, and they're like,"Values?
• 18:20
  Ew, what do you mean by that?" Like, right?
• 18:22
  It's, it's not something that's discussed a lot.
• 18:26
  Mm-hmm.
• 18:26
  And I think that's the foundational piece.
• 18:28
  And once you set in that, and that can change and expand and absolutely grow with you.
• 18:34
  It's not static.
• 18:35
  It's dynamic.
• 18:36
  However, there are some pillars that exist because of who you are.
• 18:40
  Mm-hmm.
• 18:41
  And if you don't rub against that with what you're actioning, you will be way more in line with who you are as a person.
• 18:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 18:50
  Yes?
• 18:50
  No?
• 18:51
  Absolutely.
• 18:51
  No.
• 18:52
  Yeah.
• 18:52
  I agree.
• 18:52
  And there's an exercise I do with my clients where I have a list of, a generic list of, of values, and I have them sort of rate where are you taking action, where are some- Mm where's a value important to you but you're not taking action?
• 19:05
  Mm.
• 19:06
  And where is a value that you're taking action but it's not important to you?
• 19:09
  And we kind of use that and we look at it, and there's, there's nine times out of 10, there'll be at least five or six values where people are taking action, but they're just not important to them.
• 19:18
  Mm.
• 19:18
  Or where they are important to them, and they're not taking action.
• 19:21
  And a lot of times it's because they think that that's what other people in their life need for them- Mm-hmm in order to be the good ac- you know, fill in the blank, or the successful fill in the blank career.
• 19:32
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:32
  You know, but I think another piece of this is it's value-driven and also defining our own terms.
• 19:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:37
  There's so many terms that are thrown around, you know, success- Yeah fulfillment, joy, healthy, a mindset.
• 19:43
  You know, all these terms.
• 19:44
  Yeah.
• 19:44
  You have to define it for yourself.
• 19:45
  So what, what's successful for me may not be what successful looks like for you- Mm, mm-hmm and vice versa.
• 19:50
  So you really have to be that N of 1, experiment and, and try out different things based on what your definitions are, based on what your values are.
• 19:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:58
  Okay.
• 19:58
  And then, like I said, don't be afraid to experiment with different things.
• 20:01
  Yeah.
• 20:01
  Different boundaries, different kinds of conversation, meeting different people.
• 20:04
  You know, d- you only Like I say, you only get this one big beautiful life, and I think if we treat it- Like it's our one big beautiful life, and we treat it like an experiment and something that's fun and that we get to play around with and change different levers and kind of figure out our way- Mm-hmm open different doors.
• 20:20
  I mean What a great life, you know?
• 20:23
  Right.
• 20:24
  Yeah.
• 20:24
  I, and what's coming up for me as you're sharing, Pirita, is, what I talk a lot about is through the lens of curiosity.
• 20:32
  Mm-hmm.
• 20:32
  I wonder what would happen if...
• 20:33
  Well, let me try that and see how it f- let me try that, that size on just to see if it does fit, right?
• 20:39
  Yes.
• 20:40
  Absolutely.
• 20:41
  Yeah.
• 20:41
  And some- and sometimes it does fit.
• 20:43
  Yeah.
• 20:43
  Or it looks better than the size you've normally- Yes.
• 20:45
  -been wearing, and you're like,"Oh, wait a second." Or, like, a specific style of a dress or- Yeah of pants or whatever.
• 20:51
  It's like,"Oh, I don't, I don't wear that." And it's like- Yeah try that on just to see how it feels for you.
• 20:56
  Well, I, I'm gonna go really basic here because that's just ringing so loud in my ears right now, and I'm- Yeah smiling ear to ear.
• 21:05
  The glasses I'm wearing, I get compliments every week on my glasses.
• 21:09
  Yeah.
• 21:09
  And that was one thing when I was in the store trying on what new glasses I had to get.
• 21:15
  I put these on.
• 21:16
  I looked at them and I thought,"Oh, they're pretty wild for me." Put them on and I was like,"Ooh, I...
• 21:21
  But no,"- Yeah"I don't think.
• 21:22
  They're too...
• 21:23
  That's not what I normally wear.
• 21:25
  I usually, you know, try to hide with the...
• 21:27
  Pull out the pepper and"- Mm-hmm you know, salt and pepper in the hair.
• 21:30
  And the lady was looking at me, and she didn't wanna say anything.
• 21:33
  She wanted me to make my decision.
• 21:35
  And I went around, I came back, and I said,"I'm sor-," I'm not...
• 21:38
  I didn't even say sorry.
• 21:39
  I said,"I love these.
• 21:40
  That's it.
• 21:41
  I'm stepping out into the world." And she was...
• 21:44
  It was so funny because the girls were like,"Is she gonna get..." when they were back- and they saw me doing this, and they're like- Yeah"Is she getting them?" She looked over and she gave a thumbs up to them, and they're all, like, cheering,"Yay." Oh.
• 21:55
  "We love them." Yeah.
• 21:56
  Yeah.
• 21:56
  Yeah.
• 21:57
  And, and talk about feel, I feel so comfortable in these glasses, right?
• 22:03
  Never would have.
• 22:04
  Just played around with it, got a bit curious and went,"What the heck?
• 22:07
  Life's short." What's the worst- Parabolas that can happen?
• 22:10
  Right?
• 22:10
  You could return them a week and be like- Right.
• 22:12
  "Actually, they don't work for me.
• 22:13
  They're not gonna..." You know what I mean?
• 22:14
  Like, I think a lot of times we, we believe our decisions are so final.
• 22:20
  Like, if I, if I- Mm make this career move or if I, you know, change this factor in my life, it's final.
• 22:27
  They can't go back.
• 22:28
  99.9% of the times things are not final.
• 22:32
  You can always either revert back or look, you know, change direction, or you will figure things out.
• 22:36
  We're so much more capable than we give ourselves credit for, you know?
• 22:41
  Thank you for adding that.
• 22:42
  Yeah.
• 22:42
  I love that.
• 22:44
  Any decision you make can also be reversed, added to, multiplied, divide, subtracted from, addi- added to.
• 22:52
  It doesn't matter.
• 22:52
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:53
  You get to...
• 22:54
  There's that key again.
• 22:55
  You get to play with the key.
• 22:57
  Yeah.
• 22:57
  You can change the combination of the lock if you want.
• 23:00
  You can reprogram it.
• 23:02
  It's okay.
• 23:03
  Yeah.
• 23:03
  Yep.
• 23:04
  Yeah, I love that.
• 23:05
  It's okay.
• 23:06
  Yeah.
• 23:06
  Yeah.
• 23:06
  Absolutely.
• 23:07
  Yeah.
• 23:07
  You need to be okay, and when you are, everybody else benefits huge.
• 23:13
  Absolutely.
• 23:13
  Yeah.
• 23:15
  Yeah.
• 23:15
  when we think about women in midlife- What is something, we've talked about change, we've talked about, you know, how you can adapt, how you can make sure you're gonna be okay.
• 23:30
  But how can we help women really feel more like themselves and not about the roles they play, let's say, or their identity through the lens of,"Here, I'm good at this, so I'm gonna keep doing that"?
• 23:43
  You know, one exercise I do with my coaching clients is I ask them to think about who they were when they were about eight to 10 years old.
• 23:51
  What did they like to do?
• 23:53
  What were the things that they returned?
• 23:54
  A lot of them were like,"Well, I played outside.
• 23:55
  I ri- rode my bike.
• 23:56
  I played basketball." Mm-hmm.
• 23:58
  "I jumped rope.
• 23:59
  I, you know, I read a lot.
• 24:00
  I..." You know?
• 24:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:01
  And I honestly think, Denise, that we make things so much more complex than they need to be, and to feel like yourself, you need to think about who you are and what brings you joy.
• 24:10
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:11
  And so if you were a bookworm when you were a kid- Mm-hmm like I was, turns out I'm still a bookworm.
• 24:15
  I stayed up way past my bedtime reading last night.
• 24:17
  But it was worth it to me, right?
• 24:19
  It filled me with joy, and I just felt good about that.
• 24:21
  Yeah.
• 24:21
  And so, and that energy carries on as you go through your day, as you go through the week.
• 24:27
  And everybody, it's palpable.
• 24:28
  Everybody around you- Yeah can, can see it and feel it.
• 24:30
  Yeah.
• 24:30
  So I think thinking about what you enjoyed as a kid or a teenager, and then going...
• 24:34
  So maybe you can't go, you know, play outside like you did when you were a kid- Yeah but you can definitely go for a walk.
• 24:39
  You can definitely, you know, go to the, go to the park every now and then.
• 24:42
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:42
  Go be in nature if that's something that brings you joy.
• 24:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 24:44
  I have a friend who was an ice skater when she was little, and then she gave it up- Okay for a long time, and recently she went back to it.
• 24:50
  And she was like,"Nothing brings me more joy than being out there with my skates and just whizzing around a little bit." I love that.
• 24:56
  It, it's, I think it's- Yeah I think it's as little as that.
• 24:58
  And I think that, don't, don't underestimate the power of a hobby.
• 25:02
  Mm.
• 25:02
  So something you do not to make money- Mm not for anybody else, but that you do for yourself.
• 25:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 25:07
  So whether that's tennis or crocheting- Mm or coloring, or whatever it is, the power of a hobby connected to that element of what you loved to do when you were a kid- Mm-hmm that play, fun element- Yeah I think is very, very, very powerful.
• 25:20
  Mm-hmm.
• 25:21
  And is it hard for women to take the time to do that?
• 25:26
  Yeah.
• 25:27
  Yeah.
• 25:27
  Well- Yeah so they say, I was reading something the other day and I don't wanna mess it up, but they say men's hobbies are more time-based.
• 25:34
  So if you go golfing- Sure you know you're gonna be gone for, and it's time blocked.
• 25:36
  So for three hours you're gonna be gone golfing.
• 25:38
  Well- Done.
• 25:39
  Yep.
• 25:39
  Yep.
• 25:39
  And no, and they're outside the home a lot of the time.
• 25:41
  Yeah.
• 25:42
  Yes.
• 25:42
  Where women's hobbies can be done at any time.
• 25:44
  Yeah.
• 25:45
  Can be interrupted.
• 25:46
  Most, not always, but a lot of them are done at home, whether that's baking, painting, or crocheting, or whatever it is, are done at home.
• 25:53
  And so you're more likely to be interrupted.
• 25:55
  You're more likely to say,"Oh, I can't," you just have something else kind of get in its place.
• 25:59
  Right?
• 25:59
  And you just kind of overlook it.
• 26:00
  It's like the appointment where you're like,"Oh, no, that's okay.
• 26:02
  That's optional." Yeah.
• 26:03
  Whereas a man, if he makes plans to go golfing with his buddies- Yeah, yeah from 12:00 to 3:00 on Saturday, he's gone from 12:00 to 3:00.
• 26:09
  That's it.
• 26:09
  Yeah.
• 26:09
  There's built-in accountability.
• 26:10
  Yeah.
• 26:10
  It's not at home.
• 26:11
  Yeah.
• 26:11
  It's something you pay for, right?
• 26:13
  Yeah, yeah.
• 26:13
  So I think, yes, I do think a lot of women put their stuff aside because- You know, society has made it so our things- Mm-hmm the, the things that are important to us, our hobbies- Yeah and the things that bring us joy can be done any time.
• 26:26
  They can be done at home.
• 26:27
  Yeah.
• 26:27
  And okay, I won't do it today.
• 26:28
  Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.
• 26:29
  Maybe I'll- Yeah maybe, maybe, maybe.
• 26:30
  You know?
• 26:30
  Yeah.
• 26:31
  And like you say, where it happens in the environment is an interesting piece that I have- Yeah never considered before.
• 26:41
  Yeah.
• 26:41
  Yes.
• 26:41
  I think that's why I'm seeing a bit more on, on social media where the wife's saying,"Oh, by the way, I have a tea time.
• 26:47
  I'll be gone." And, and the- Mm-hmm gentleman, of course, it's all a facade, but- Yeah, yeah I was like, oh, that's interesting.
• 26:54
  Yeah.
• 26:54
  But you're bringing it home.
• 26:55
  So thank you for that- Yeah.
• 26:56
  Of course'cause so true.
• 26:58
  That is what I do see as well.
• 27:00
  Very interesting.
• 27:02
  Something to think about, everyone- Yeah as you're listening.
• 27:05
  What is my hobby, and is there a way for me to safeguard it?
• 27:09
  So like I do with this show, I say,"I'm going up to do my show,"'cause this is what I love to do is have- Yeah these conversations, and nobody bothers me.
• 27:20
  So I just put the boundaries in and it's w- and it works.
• 27:23
  So if you- Mm-hmm are able to do that, then that's another avenue.
• 27:26
  If your, activity is home-driven, homebound- Mm-hmm environmentally.
• 27:32
  Yeah.
• 27:33
  Thank you so much for this- Yeah.
• 27:36
  Thank you Farida.
• 27:37
  Is there...
• 27:38
  We've talked about so many things.
• 27:39
  Is there anything that we have not touched on that you would love to have, or something you would love to share with the audience before we close our conversation today?
• 27:48
  Yeah, I mean, as, as...
• 27:49
  when I think of midlife women as I, you know, approach midlife myself and I'm going through a lot of changes, I think- Mm-hmm we have to...
• 27:56
  I wanna just reiterate the point that we have to start thinking about ourselves differently, right?
• 28:01
  Yeah.
• 28:01
  Because a lot of people say,"Well, your 40s are the, the most freeing years," but it's all if you allow it to be.
• 28:06
  Mm-hmm.
• 28:07
  Your 50s are the best y- right, if you allow it to be.
• 28:09
  If.
• 28:09
  'Cause so like I was saying earlier, we're already going to be going through so many changes physically, Mm-hmm you know, and physiologically we're gonna be going through a lot of changes in this time period, and some of us already are.
• 28:19
  Right.
• 28:19
  But don't add to that, right?
• 28:21
  Take control.
• 28:22
  Do what brings you joy.
• 28:23
  It sounds so easy to say, but- Yeah find the little tiny ways.
• 28:27
  I, if I know I'm not gonna be able to read at night'cause I have XYZ commitment, I'll take a, I'll bring my book when I'm waiting at the doctor's office or if I'm waiting in carpool to pick up my kids.
• 28:35
  Yeah.
• 28:35
  I, I take what I can with me and I do it that way.
• 28:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 28:38
  Mm.
• 28:38
  and I don't think we should wait until the kids- Right are out of the house, or until I'm retired, or until...
• 28:43
  We don't have crystal balls that tell us what's coming tomorrow.
• 28:45
  Mm.
• 28:45
  Life is so unpredictable that I really wish every woman out there could find one small way today- Mm as they're listening to take care of themselves, to fill their cup.
• 28:54
  Mm-hmm.
• 28:55
  Yeah.
• 28:56
  Yeah, exactly.
• 28:57
  And the reason why is because we know the power of doing this for you, by you, because of you.
• 29:03
  And when you do this, whatever this may be for you, and I share a lot, some people are like,"I can't, Denise.
• 29:10
  I- where in my schedule?" And I say,"20 seconds, 30 seconds.
• 29:14
  Sit and just breathe.
• 29:16
  Be present with yourself." Start small, very small.
• 29:20
  It does not have to be a big deal, right?
• 29:22
  Yeah.
• 29:22
  Like you say, take a book, read one page Do it.
• 29:26
  Yeah.
• 29:26
  It's better than zero, right?
• 29:27
  Right.
• 29:27
  Just take one little step and commit to yourself.
• 29:31
  And when, when you don't, when you do Say you're gonna commit and it doesn't happen, don't beat yourself up.
• 29:37
  Exactly.
• 29:37
  Tomorrow's another day, right?
• 29:39
  Yep.
• 29:39
  Yeah.
• 29:40
  Life is an experiment.
• 29:40
  It did- think about why it didn't happen.
• 29:42
  Yeah.
• 29:42
  Yes.
• 29:42
  Instead of beating yourself up, be like,"Okay, didn't happen the way I wanted to.
• 29:45
  Why is that?
• 29:46
  Did something else grab my attention?
• 29:47
  Did somebody really need me so I had to go?" Okay, that's fine.
• 29:50
  Tomorrow- Yeah try something different.
• 29:51
  Throw- Yeah a different spaghetti on the wall, right?
• 29:53
  It's all about figuring out what works for you.
• 29:55
  Yeah.
• 29:56
  And that's going to change, and that's okay.
• 29:57
  Yeah.
• 29:58
  Exactly.
• 30:00
  Parita, thank you so much for your time today.
• 30:02
  Thank you.
• 30:03
  Such a great conversation.
• 30:04
  We will have all of the information in our show notes on how to find and connect and learn more from Parita.
• 30:13
  And make sure that you like, share, comment, follow, give us a review so that we can make it into other midlife women's lives to help show them you are never alone.
• 30:27
  And before we wrap up today, I am so excited to share Ignite the Inner Uprising the live, in-person, two-day gathering in Vancouver, Canada, at the Hyatt Regency Vancouver Hotel.
• 30:41
  It's built around four thresholds every women, woman crosses on her way back to herself: body, voice, wiring, and her stories.
• 30:51
  It's not a retreat.
• 30:52
  A retreat whispers and takes you away.
• 30:55
  It is not a conference where you leave with a huge list of things to accomplish and go back and do, ways that you can add already to the huge list that exists in our lives already.
• 31:07
  This is a whole different spin.
• 31:09
  It's the whole room catching fire together.
• 31:12
  It helps you see who you are and have always been from that 8, 10-year-old little girl, right?
• 31:20
  The gift is being able to then carry yourself home and keep that fire burning forevermore.
• 31:26
  So head to the show notes, send me a message, It isn't about reinvention.
• 31:31
  It's about returning, because when one woman turns her light on, the rest of the room really does catch fire.
• 31:39
  Thank you again, Parita, for being here with us today.
• 31:42
  You are such a gift to the world, and it's an honor and a privilege.
• 31:45
  And thank you for waiting a year to be here with us.
• 31:49
  Thank you so much, Denise.