Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 35 - Navigating Sudden Adversity Together
Transcript
- Dustie & JR: Greetings all. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR I am obviously JR. And I'm Dustie So we're stepping into episode thirty-five. Last week we discussed just some of the happenings, how things had settled down a little bit. We were very on an upward slope of Where we thought we were we were headed. Yep. And if you guys can tell, if you're watching online or watching on on YouTube, you will notice that my beautiful wife is in a sling. So We have hit a little bit of a curveball in our upward trajectory. As Life happens. the unexpected comes up pretty often. Seems like it tends to really show its face when you're already facing some challenges and again we started feeling like we were doing better. We were gonna start doing some things. Monday morning, as we mentioned last week. Started working out again we got To the point where we were gonna work out again. Yep. And unfortunately that was All we could do this week in terms of working out, right? So, a little bit of context. my wife was injured, her shoulder was injured pretty bad. She has been out of commission all week. Went to the doctor. Luckily he feels like nothing is torn. Really bad strain in your shoulder. Nonetheless, Monday night she couldn't even sleep 'cause of the pain. She's pretty incapacitated. It's really hard to just it's my left shoulder and I'm left handed, so I do everything with my left. So I've had to adjust. Yeah, and well it and it's not even so much which I mean that in itself is going to be hard, but you've also got a pretty set routine of things that you wanna get done throughout your day. Most of those involve two hands and two arms. So you haven't been able to do much of that. You've been trying to muscle through it, but I can tell that you've been in pain. And I live with three people that don't know how to do a ponytail in my hair. So that's yeah. I haven't been able to do my hair in a week. I do not know how to do a ponytail. My daughter did one that was halfway decent, I thought. Yeah. I mean it was it wasn't terrible, but not to your standards, I'm sure. outside of that. You're also having trouble just being able to stay in a comfortable position all night. Mm-hmm. You've been Having to lay on your back propped up a little bit, which is I know excruciating for you 'cause you hate sleeping on your back. Yeah. It's not easy. So We did think this was a good opportunity to discuss How life's gonna happen to everybody. It's been happening to us pretty frequently. it feels like we haven't been able to catch a break lately, but what do you do in those circumstances? how do you muscle through, which I feel like we've been talking about quite a bit for the last, month or so. But I did wanna really just highlight that, Adversity's gonna come regardless of what situation you're in. And it's meant to make you stronger, help you grow, help you learn. One of the things that we did learn was that for whatever reason Your shoulder blade buckles when you're trying to do pressing movements. Yeah. Well the four muscles around it that are supposed to stabilize it around your rotator cuff. You can pretty easily pull those Yeah. So as I found out. strain out. Which I mean we've we've always tried to do a really good job of maintaining good form and trying to do things correctly, but neither one of us is trained. And sometimes I think we're both stubborn enough that we may feel something zing and not really think about well, it's just part of the process or whatever it may be. Yeah. so I did kind of want to talk through the injury first off. it did happen at pretty close to the start of our workout, it sounded like. Yeah. We were going through weightlifting set, primarily focused on chest and triceps and shoulders. and one of the pressing movements you did feel your your shoulder give way a little bit right at the start. Yeah. Which I usually I mean, I'm not young. My joints are also not young. So I usually feel Snack, you know, pop a whatever they call it. Snap, crackle, pop. Yeah. Every time I work out, no matter what move I'm doing. So I just thought, yeah, because I haven't worked out in so long, this is like my first day back. And you weren't I mean, I don't want to say that you weren't trying or anything, but it wasn't extremely heavy weight either. I think that's the biggest takeaway for me. No, it's I mean it was just trying to warm. Yeah, it wasn't really anything that was super I think both of us that day really decided we were just gonna do lighter weight to yeah, kinda get our joints back into the the groove of things and let our muscles start to work. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think it was just a Perfect storm kind of. Yeah. Form not stretching before Which that is an doing another takeaway. It is important to stretch before you work out. I was Get in there and let's go. And he always works out his shoulders, but I mean warms them up with bands and stuff and and usually you lift the Yeah, the bar I I lift the bar off of so we've got a stationary chest press. Yeah. So you know, it's like sitting press. Yeah. But usually you come in front of me and you pull the weight out for me and so I can get in position. And I just went for it, so It's a hundred percent my fault. Well it's one of those things though that you don't think about, I think, when you start thinking about getting healthy and you start thinking about what are the things I want to do to move forward. As we spoke last week, we've both were in a pretty good mind state. and really just wanting to enjoy the fact that things had settled down a little bit and we were ready to start driving that momentum forward. Yeah. But Unfortunately life has other plans sometimes. Yep. but we do want to give an update just so that again, you're not worried or concerned about my wife. She is doing better by the day. Yeah. You still have some limitations, but you're able to work your arm a little bit more than you were that initial first day. Yeah. Pain levels. Yeah. Then the first day at least. I mean, the more I can get more mobility out of it, I think the less the pain is. I mean, there's certain obviously I can't put my arm straight out or straight up all the way, and if I do, like when I'm dead asleep and then I kind of zing myself out of sleep like I did last night. But Mostly I wear the sling. Which has to remind myself not to do that. Which has I mean the sling has worked out. It is causing some discomfort. Yeah, I think it's just a compression. But the doctor did say that he wanted her to push it as best she could. She knew her body, but she he wanted him to really start getting it stretched out. it sounded like some of the muscles were really tight, trying just to protect that shoulder. Mm-hmm. So unfortunately the routine around the house has changed quite a bit. my gosh, yeah. But the kids have stepped in, I've tried to step in where I can. still not a hairdresser by any means. But priorities. I mean ninety nine percent of the time I'm at home, so it doesn't really matter what I look like. We did go out today, but I threw a hat on. Yeah, you and the kids went out today while I got some homework and stuff done. Mm-hmm. I've been driving, so Luckily you can drive with both hands. With one. Well, I'm saying some people can't drive one handed with their non dominant hand. yeah. So Which I mean, don't come at us. I know we're supposed to have two hands on the steering wheel only. But always. Gotta do what you gotta do. You gotta get kids here and there and everywhere, so but Moving forward, We did want to kind of unpack this week's situation, how everything kinda worked out, what we did to to look at our circumstance and when stuff like this happens So there's a couple of different responses that are pretty Yeah. normal or pretty, common. Yeah. obviously there is the freak out and There is I think the response that we took was we really were just trying to understand how bad it was. And how we needed to proceed. we really tried to formulate a plan around what exactly you were feeling because it really didn't start hurting super bad until like Monday night. Monday evening you started to tell me it was a little sore, but Monday night is when it started to get kind of excruciating, right? So that first Monday night Tuesday, was a lot of unknown for me. Yeah. secretly kind of freaking out. I'm I mean I went to work, but the whole time I'm wondering, this is a rotator cuff deal. This is like she probably Yeah, you thought it was torn. Tor tore a rotator cuff and I've known a lot of people that have had that injury and it I know that it's painful. I know that even recovery is really hard and so I'm just trying to think of like what do I do to to make it less painful. the whole time telling you that you need to get in to see the doctor or whatever it may be. what do you think your reaction was start of the week through midweek? Before my doctor's appointment? Yeah. I mean I kind of thought, but like you said, we know people that have torn theirs and it for me it felt different. It felt more when I have my sarcoid flares and my joints really flare up and ache and hurt like in like down to the bone. It was more of that, but like sharp pain. So it was I don't know, it was different than what my mom went through and she experienced. and so I mean I felt like in and even researching it, I feel like it wasn't as bad as that, but there was definitely something. So maybe it was like a micro tear, like they said, that's basically like you're stretching your muscle. You're there's like tiny little micro tears in there is what happened to mine. But my main thought was everything I do in a day. Especially with the dogs and the kids and driving and dinners and cooking and baking and just everything that I do in a day and and our youngest is at school at home. And so that was my biggest thing is like there's I don't have a backup, Like our doctors are like you need a a note for work to get time off and I'm like I wish I mean, I have people that can step in. you've stepped in and the kids, but I mean that's my worry. That's my I mean it'd be just like your worry if it was you. I have all this time off I need to take now and What about my school? What about just everything that you do in a day? Right. Which in talking through some of our history and some of our past episodes, when situations like this arise, you really internalize that. Mhm. Because now you feel like you're not living up to your end of the deal. Yeah. It's really hard for me to I mean You're capable a hundred percent. And you have stepped up and you do a great job and so do the kids. But when It's my job every day and it's something I've done for years and years and years. I mean, I think anybody would feel that way about their work. Yeah. Their job, I guess. in your position. I mean, there have been times you had to be out for extended amount of time and that's your worry. That's your And it it does. So for me when I I mean when I broke my ankle and that was, way back when. I was out of work for like But yeah, I mean it starts to affect your mental health. Yeah. Especially for a guy who has all these insecurities, who has all these things that he's not dealt with at the time that and like I did, I did my best to numb it out. I drank almost the whole time and went fishing and I mean it looked like fun, but at the end of the day, I mean it's probably not the best. way to deal with those emotions, right? No. And similarly, you were challenged this week with some of that where it hit your mental health a little bit. We had to take a minute. Regroup. Regroup. Rein it in. that's the thing though, right? And that's the power of adversity is it does force you to slow down. Yeah. Regardless of How motivated you are, regardless of how motivated what motivations you're driving or what intentions you have. Yeah. Situations like this force you to slow down. They really challenge you to digest the whole idea of temporarily losing your own independence of being able to do the things that you want to do. And relying on your partner. I mean. You're kind of forced to, Which is what marriage is about, ultimately, is that you are a team and there's gonna be times where I mean we've talked about it in past episodes. you're not always gonna be fifty fifty. And You're hundred and ten right now. There's I mean there's gonna be times where that's the case, right? Where you're gonna need to step up and do what you need to to ensure that you guys are continuing to move forward. And right now it's not even about Because I'm really big about we need to, be better, we need to do better. I'm striving daily to be a better version of me, however that looks. You do the same, like you're striving daily to make sure that our needs are met, that we're able to perform at the highest level that we can. And when that is taken from you instantly, for whatever reason, in this case you had, your shoulder got hurt and What are you gonna You can't force it to get better. You have to just be patient. Yeah. So For us I feel like anyway. and this is something good for our viewers to to really understand is How you navigate the heavy seasons. Prepare you for situations like this. Yeah. Because we have been in a pretty heavy season. We've talked about some of the heavy seasons that we were in when we first got married, you know, when the kids came. Like there has been a lot of ups, highs, lows, downs, everything in between. And Not to discount your injury by any means, because I am still hopeful that it does continue to heal and but like we're prepared for this because we've done it a time or two. There's been times where you've had to step up and do the hundred and ten percent. I mean you held it down while I when I quit my job and went back to school and was out of work for a year and a half to focus on school. you managed. The household, you managed our finance, you did it all. Yeah. Right. And Looking at it today, It's just another chapter of something that we're going to have to, batten down the hatches, regroup, do what we have to do. I may not be able to focus on getting better every day, but I'm focused on keeping us as a unit and making sure that your mental health is okay and that we're still able to accommodate and help in any way that we can so that things don't get Crazier than they have been around here. So it really ties into that we've talked about before in navigating some of those heavy seasons and how you are able to prioritize your mental health. Because right now I think that for me is the priority is making sure that regardless of what's happening, like is your mental health state okay? Because I do know that you are really hard on yourself and you sometimes Even when it's a situation like this that is completely out of your control, those are the ones that impact you the worst because Yeah. You weren't able to control it. Yeah. And it's those are the times that you need to rest and truly just rest your body and So your mental health well, mine anyway, my mental health takes a huge hit because A, I'm not being and doing enough in my own head, because I'm not meeting my own standard every day. But also it gives you a lot of time to just lay there and think and be in your own head. So yeah, you have to be very Careful with it. And that's where you have been that, hundred and ten percent for me because you know how much it impacts me. And vice versa. when things get heavy for you and We're just able to, like you said, navigate it. You know what I need in those moments when I'm feeling it, when I'm, you know that's how I'm going to start feeling reacting. so you can just kind of step in and but that's from over twenty years of all the ups, the downs, the curves, the navigation that we've done. Right. Which is again something that listeners should think about and highlight. As you're navigating relationships, as you're building relationships, maybe you just started dating somebody, maybe you just got married, whatever that relationship dynamic is, you should understand that every situation that you go through with this other person. Positive and negative is building towards those fundamental tools that you'll need later down the road because inevitably something will happen that will challenge that. Yep. So using it those tools. Right. So using every opportunity, even this one, right? if you look at maybe one of the positive sides about it is again, it did force us to slow down. Maybe we weren't ready to To start in. Right. which we talked about in, that what was it, the soft life trend that that it hit social media where people are really focusing on taking it easy and reframing and really prioritizing being in the moment. Yeah. Times you Prepare for that and you want that, but sometimes life just throws you into it. Right. Right. So that is I guess a callback to maybe that's something that we need to really focus on, right? Is how do we stay intentional? How do we slow down? Which we're pretty intentional anyway. Yeah. But in moments like these They are different. Because we really focus on spending and having dinner as a family, sitting and watching shows together, spending time with the kids and having conversation with the kids as much as some of their conversations drive me crazy these days. But it does force you into that being present in the So You know, one of the other things that these situations are really good for highlighting, I will say. some of the things that We're all pretty terrible at that you're really good at So we joked about the hair. Yeah. Which is kinda funny because I did try to do her hair right before here and I just I think I was pulling her hair more than but our oldest did do a ponytail, it just was she needs a little practice, I think. But also In trying to be a good husband and in trying to be a good caretaker. Decided that A, I don't have the patience that you do around all of the food that you make because I am very much of the belief and I've told my kids many times this week I'm only making food one time and you're eating what I make or don't eat. And it hasn't really worked out. They have chosen not to eat a few times, although they did I mean, I guess they did okay with some of the stuff, but they've done pretty well. what's the adjustment? Yeah, it's been I think they're suffering more than I am 'cause I'm I mean, I caught my daughter eating ketchup sandwiches yesterday. So I know that they're hungry, but they're they're figuring it out. They're just used to mom making it, putting it all together, cooking it, They don't know how to make a pot of rice or they don't know how to make the chicken I've been making like Chinese food and I buy, chicken breasts and block cheese and they're like, Where's the sliced cheese? Where's the shredded cheese? I'm like, Well, my daughter was adamant that we were out of cheese yesterday. Yeah. And it's just because we didn't have sliced cheese. So she couldn't make a grilled cheese sandwich. You just gotta cut it. Or if you want it shredded, then you get the shredder out, Those type of things. They're used to. So if it's not just an easy pop it in the microwave, then there's no food in the house. Yeah. I'm it was kind of a it kind of was a throwback though seeing her eat some of those I mean, I remember eating ketchup sandwiches when I was a kid. I mean when you're when you're struggling, you're struggling. You'll eat what you you'll eat what you can and make it taste good. Yeah. But that also highlights the fact that even in some of these moments there is areas that it can be funny. You can try to at least enjoy some semblance of normalcy. I've laughed more than I've cried honestly since Monday I think. Which is good. Well, yeah, laugh cry. You did laugh cry yesterday and I I got in trouble for it. I did not get you in trouble. Your daughters were mad. So my dog the puppy decided to be playful and I was on the couch and we were sitting next to each other and the she was in between us. And I could hear you laughing and telling her to stop and then my daughter comes out and pulls the dog off and my wife says You made me cry, dumb dog. And I was like, Well why are you I heard you laughing, like why are you crying? She was jumping all over my shoulder and then she got down on my side and was like doing this with my elbow and then biting my side and it was puppy. So she's only what, eight weeks old. Yeah, my daughter Yeah it didn't feel good. My daughter was angry at me. You're sitting right there and you didn't even help mommy. It's like I thought they were playing. I know. I was like, to be fair, I was laughing. But also I don't know why. That's just my instinct, I guess. I mean, what do they call it? That's just what I do. It's nervous laughter. Yeah, it's like I just cry and laugh at the same time. Well you said you did that at the doctor too, right? Mhm. Yeah, when he was trying to move my shoulder all around to see My mobility. For one, I didn't wanna scare our youngest, like freak her out because she gets really wigged out if her sister gets hurt or her mom or her dad or her grandma or she gets very freaked out. So I knew when I walked in that he was gonna have to move it all around. So I think we talked about that too, huh? Yeah, I knew that they were gonna do that. He wasn't as rough though as I thought they were gonna have to be, but so I didn't want to scare her. So I was laughing a lot, but also crying. And he's probably thought, Are you okay? Like mentally But I was really just trying to like Not scare our youngest daughter. Anyway, I've laughed a lot more this week than I've cried, which I mean it's kinda like the whole puppy fiasco thing that we talked about. I mean sometimes these crazy intense moments just you have to laugh through them to get through them. Yeah. Yep. To continue on, Since we have been dealing with adversity and since we have been having some unexpected setbacks, we thought it'd be good to talk through what are some good tools for facing setbacks. we've had a lot of them. So I thought it'd be good to just talk through some of that, right? and one of the best tools that I can give anybody is that and I touched on this, right? I'm generally a guy that is super motivated, really wants to do what I can each day to improve a little bit, whether that's reading, whether that's hitting the gym, whether that's just doing whatever I can. Yeah. Working on a little aspect of me to ensure that this version of me is better than yesterday's version of me. Yeah. But the reality is that when situations like this come up, if I solely focus on that and continue to focus on that, I'm not dealing with the situation and problem in the present, right? So the best tool I could give anybody, and not to say that this isn't a priority, right? But Being able to drop some low priority tasks, work pressures, extra chores, whatever you need to do without feeling guilty about it. So we talked about your mental health, right? and we had a really heart to heart conversation about you not feeling guilty that you're not able to do some of the things that you're wanting to do. And Just doing what we can to ensure that number one, that you're okay. your health is the priority. Getting better is the priority. Yeah. And right now that entails you getting rest and resting your shoulder and not doing too much to hurt it. Yeah. So Tool number one is just simple as that. Strip away the non essentials. Mm hmm. Things that can wait should wait. Yeah. Things that are not essential to maintaining your life and your kids' life can be paused for a little bit. Yeah. I mean when she got injured, I decided, well, I need to step back. I need not to continue myself going to the gym because the last thing we need is both of us injured. And then that leads to greater stress and greater problems, right? Yeah. And I wanted to make sure that I was gonna be able to do what I needed to do. So It was a decision that I made consciously that I well I'm not gonna push this. It's not a huge priority. Yes, my health is a priority. Working out is a priority. But right now the priority is helping you get rested and I know that if I'm out in the gym, that is going to contribute to more stress on you, you really getting into your head because now you're not able to do it. Maybe you pushing yourself more than you need to be in getting out there and reinjuring yourself or something, right? Yeah. So That would be number one. Mm-hmm. Another practical solution. I would say is And it's another one that we do pretty often, right? we shift our focus from trying to fix everything to just being an active support. Yeah. What do you need from me in the moment? Right. Which I've heard a lot this week. What do you need what do you need me to do? How can I help you the most? do you need help with that? Stop being stubborn. If you need help, just tell me. Well and even But in all seriousness, yes, that is what do you need in right now in this moment? Right. Is a very good tool. Because it's really easy to get lost in everything that's going on. So even now, there's a ton that we've got kind of pending. my daughter's school, some financial stuff, obviously our health, still caring day to day for, our circus, making sure that the kids are like everything, right? Kids, dogs. But It's real easy in these moments to get lost and get overwhelmed with crap, like I gotta handle all of this. I gotta fix all of this. Mm-hmm. And I'm one that is terrible about that because I systematically try to fix everything. Mm-hmm. And you like to look ahead. It's just like your school stuff too, you do it. You'll look at the whole semester and it you overwhelm yourself. Like I had that's a law. I'm not I'm never gonna be able to do all this and and I'm that way to a point in the morning, it overwhelms me to think about everything that needs to get done in that day. And so when I have this little s setback, it's like, yep, definitely not gonna be able to do all this. it's overwhelming sometimes. Being able to just do what you can to be supportive more than anything. I mean, yeah, what can I do for you? What is gonna benefit you the most right now? I might not be able to do all of your stuff, but is there something that I can do? Yeah. What's on your in your mind, what's your priority that needs done right now? Right. And how can I help you get that done or do it for you or And then number three, I would say, goes without saying, and this is even just in life, but really when you're having setbacks, is really just give some room for grace when you're having a bad day. Because There's gonna be a lot of exhaustion. There's gonna be a lot of feelings of frustration. I mean we talked about it, it gets real easy to get in your head. you haven't been sleeping, your chore list is just getting longer and longer and longer if we're not helping. Like it's real easy to just feel real bad about the situation. getting frustrated easily. I've been a little moody. Like when the pain starts. Getting up there and you give me grace in those moments. Well, and you have to. And like I say, this is just in life because you're not just in general. You're never gonna be a hundred percent positive all the time. No, and nobody's perfect and we always talk about grace in marriage as a whole, Giving them grace, but also giving yourself grace. Yeah, and that's a big one, is being able to give yourself grace for the crappy day that you're having and the crappy mood that you're in. And the way that you might be, externally showing that to people that you're just doing it because you're you're just in a foul mood. But again, you're not perfect. I have my days where I don't want to talk to anybody at work and I'm showing my stank face all day and I mean it's not okay, but I'm allowed to have off days just like everybody else. Yeah. Everybody has off I mean kids have off days. But I would say those are probably the three most useful practical steps. For dealing with setbacks, especially when you're married. Yeah. And when you're in a relationship with someone. Because those are gonna be the best way to deal with the added stress of the challenge that is being presented to you. Yeah. And I think just in life, you can also look at these tools and we do that with our kids as well. We give them a lot of grace. We try to meet them at their level and like what do you need right now in this moment? What's gonna help you the most? I think you could apply it to any relationship that you have. So what have we found this week? That even in times of adversity there are silver linings. Always. There's always light. There is always light to be had. Our week was filled in all honesty with a lot of turmoil. But we were able to really just lean on our foundation. and ultimately I feel like it helped really just reinforce a lot of the trust, empathy, and connection that we have. Yeah. Because the one thing that we have both been really good at throughout the entire time that we have been together. is we have the ability to show up for each other when we need it most. No matter what. And that should be something that you strive for in any meaningful relationship that you have. Yeah. Because if you're not looking for ways to lean on those foundations Or build on that foundation. Then in times of turmoil and in times of adversity, that's generally when things fall off the rails for a lot of relationships. Yeah. So And not even that they break up or they divorce but it's it just makes those hard, dark times even heavier. when you don't have that foundation and those tools that you need to help you get through it. Well and it also helps reaffirm something that we've talked about previously in Love and commitment is not necessarily built on all of the extravagant I mean, yeah, we had a great time at our date night the other night when we were the at the football game. Yeah. But We have been able to really just have a lot of fun in the mundane acts of helping each other even through like injury and recovery. Like you mentioned it. I think we've laughed together more this week than we have in a while. It's been a tough week. just trying to to deal with, a lot of the unknown for me, which is a lot of the housework that I don't do. getting my kids to help out has been a challenge, but They've done it. Reluctantly, but they've done it. We might have had to bribe a little bit. Like if you want to go thrifting I need some help around here. But really it's about especially when adversity hits, right? It's about being able to find peace and gratitude even when circumstances are out of your control. Yeah. So With that, I do wish you all a blessed week. keep standing up in the face of adversity, especially with those people that you love. Especially with those people that are meaningful to you. there's gonna be setbacks for everyone in life. It's not an easy road. And being able to share those setbacks and have some people in your corner really does help. strengthen not just relationships but it helps strengthen your core yeah and does really make you a better person overall. because the act of being in service to others and helping others really is and really should be what we all strive to be. Yeah. do wish you all the best. Keep sharing your light and we will catch you on the next one.