Latest / Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul / 5 Things a Trauma-Informed Therapist Would Never Say

Transcript

5 Things a Trauma-Informed Therapist Would Never Say · Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul

• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, and welcome to today's episode of the Healing Her Story Podcast.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Riva Jean-Paul.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I am your host, trauma-informed somatic therapist, menstrual psycho coach, educator, interdisciplinary artist.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So many hats I wear.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm wearing a different hat that I haven't maybe shared quite so much on the show.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm excited to dive in with you.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is one that feels like a fiery one for me, which was intentionally timed with Aries season.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: There is a warrior archetype that lives within Aries energy.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And today that part of me wants to speak up.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because over the years, both in my own healing journey and in my work supporting women and children, I have heard some things said in therapeutic spaces and other spaces, honestly, but we're just going to focus on therapeutic spaces for today that honestly shock me.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Things that are said in places that are supposed to be safe, places where people go to heal.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're talking about things your trauma-informed therapist would never say.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I almost said should.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Every practitioner does.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: In one of my, I forget, I think it was my abnormal psychology class where we're studying, I don't know, maybe it was women, psychology of women, perhaps.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And we're reading about research.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what I took away was that all research is biased.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because we all have biases.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: We just do.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So what I'm sharing today may resonate with you, or it may not.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: What I invite you to do is to listen and to discern.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe ask yourself: would this feel supportive to me if someone said this?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Would this make my body soften, or would it make me pull away?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if something doesn't bother you, that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It simply means we all come from different experiences and different needs.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I will say for many people navigating trauma and deep emotional healing, some phrases can be far more harmful than we realize.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start with number one.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're just blank.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: You are just sensitive, you're just overreacting, you're just making it up.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I remember the first time I sought professional support for my mental health.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was during the pandemic.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And like many people, during that time, I was forced to face some of my deepest wounds and inner demons.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: One day I found myself literally curled into a ball, excuse me, on the floor, just sobbing, weeping.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't fully understand what was happening to me at that time.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I just knew that something wasn't right.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so at that point, I decided to seek support because I also knew that some of my coping strategies, things that had once kept me safe for years, were no longer working.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to go see a psychologist.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Within a few sessions, I began loosening the grip on some of those coping strategies.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I started opening up more, and I shared one of my earliest memories that shaped how I felt about my body.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness, Siri, right now I'm gonna have to edit that out.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: No, thank you, Siri.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'll leave it.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Always listening, y'all.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: As I was saying, before that experience, I had never thought about my body as being different from the other girls around me.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: When I shared that memory with my therapist, she asked, Was that it?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, yeah, that was the first experience.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: There were a few more later.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she kind of shrugged and said, Oh, well, you're just sensitive.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And something in me immediately knew that wasn't helpful.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And not long after that moment, I stopped seeing her.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, I couldn't articulate why, but something inside of me knew something was off.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back now, I really celebrate that wise part of myself that knew, even without the language, that something about that interaction didn't feel right.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because once I later began studying trauma and the nervous system, that moment made so much more sense.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Research in trauma psychology shows that dismissal of emotional experiences can actually activate the nervous system's threat response, often increasing feelings of shame and withdrawal and hypervigilance.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Studies on emotional invalidation show it can increase emotional dysregulation and reduce trust in relationships.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this makes sense biologically.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Our nervous systems are built in relationship.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: When someone shares something vulnerable, what the nervous system needs is attunement to be met, to be felt, to be understood.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: When someone says you're just, it dismisses the lived experience of the person speaking.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: A trauma-informed response instead might sound like, tell me more about what that experience felt like for you, leading with curiosity instead of assumption.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, you should.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, therapists and professionals and friends and people can absolutely offer suggestions and tools, and sometimes they are helpful, and maybe they do have a degree of truth in them.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like we all know, exercise is generally good for us.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between offering options and prescribing someone's healing path.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because what I believe is that only you know what is truly right for you.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Self-determination theory, a major psychological framework, shows that people are far more likely to sustain change when they feel autonomy and choice in their actions rather than external pressure.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen this over and over and over and over and over again, and I've experienced it for myself.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: No one really likes to be told what to do.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's also this idea that maybe the person doesn't trust you to make your own decisions.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: People are way more likely to integrate a new habit when it arises from their own inner motivation or an impulse or a sense.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not because someone told them they quote unquote should.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: A trauma-informed therapist instead supports the client in discovering their own answers through questions like, what feels supportive for you right now?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: What have you noticed helps your body settle?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you, that process, it definitely takes longer.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: It takes way longer.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it also creates lasting transformation and change.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, you just need to let it go.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is, excuse me, a big one for me.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when I hear phrases like, you just need to let it go.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to surrender.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: For someone who has experienced trauma, especially experiences where they did not have choice or agency, that phrase can actually be deeply harmful.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because letting go is not simply a mental decision as much as we all like to think it is.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: On a biological level, the body cannot be forced to release something before it feels safe enough to do so.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma research from experts like Dr.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Brussel Vanderkoel, love his work, and Steven Porridge's also love his work, also show this.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: They show that unresolved experiences live within the body and the nervous system, not just in the mind.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So while the mind might say, let it go, the body may still be holding on to something that once protected you.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Healing happens when the body experiences enough safety and support to release naturally and organically.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Much like a leaf falling from a tree in autumn.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: No one tells the leaf when to fall.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: It falls when the conditions are right.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the body works in a very similar way.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Release often happens organically, naturally, through breath, tears, movement, sound, yawns, shaking, natural physiological processes that allow energy and motion to move through the system.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And these things cannot be forced.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, interpreting your psychedelic experience, or maybe not a psychedelic, but uh a spiritual shamanic experience.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is one that comes up more in spiritual spaces and in medicine circles.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something that really bothers me when I see it.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine someone shares that during a psychedelic experience they saw a goddess-like figure, and the facilitator immediately says, Oh, that means this deity was visiting you, or that represents this archetype.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: That is projection, and psychedelic states are particularly vulnerable spaces.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Research on psychedelic therapy consistently highlights the importance of client-led meaning making during integration, because the meaning of an experience must come from within the person who had it, not from someone else.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: The role of a facilitator or a therapist is to ask questions.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: What did that feel like for you?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: What did that figure represent for you?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your own insight will always be far more impactful than someone else's interpretation.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Number five.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, toxic positivity.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know the kind.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Everything happens for a reason.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: You got this.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just stay positive, usually in a high-pitched voice.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now listen, sometimes encouragement can be helpful, but when positivity is used to bypass difficult emotions, it actually becomes another form of invalidation.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: If someone is expressing grief, anger, or pain, what their nervous system often needs most is simply to be met in the experience, not rushed past it.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Psychological research shows that emotional validation helps regulate the nervous system and strengthens relational safety.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of you've got this, a trauma-informed response might sound like that sounds really painful.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here with you.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Often when we rush to fix in others, it's something that we're uncomfortable facing within ourselves.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really good information.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Again, everything I shared here today comes from my own lived experience as someone who is deeply sensitive, someone who has been hurt by words that seemed small but had a large impact.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And also as someone who now works with trauma-informed spaces, within trauma-informed spaces.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: The subtle things matter, they really do.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: The tone, the curiosity, the willingness to truly meet someone where they are.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I recently had a client share about a group environment where she was in where something didn't feel right to her.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And she listened to that inner signal.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: She advocated for herself and left that space.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I celebrated that moment so much with her.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you've experienced a truly safe and trauma-informed container, your body slowly begins to recognize when something isn't that.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of discernment is a powerful part of the healing process.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're on your own healing journey right now, I invite you to trust those signals.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your body has wisdom.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Your intuition has wisdom.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And learning to listen to that inner knowing is one of the most powerful things you can do.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here with me today.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I hope these reflections offer something meaningful for your journey.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I look forward to connecting with you in the next episode.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Before we close today, I want to share a resource with you.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: If this conversation resonated, if you're beginning to recognize some of these dynamics in your own healing journey, I created a free trauma recovery mini course that you can find linked in the show notes.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Inside the course, I'm not just sharing information.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sharing simple, trauma-informed practices that can help you begin building a deeper sense of safety and connection within your own body.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because healing from trauma isn't just about understanding what happened, it's also about giving your nervous system new experiences of support, regulation, and choice.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're someone who has done therapy, read the books, and is ready for practices that help you actually begin working with the body and the nervous system, this mini course is a beautiful place to start.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you can find it linked in the show notes, and I look forward to supporting you there.