Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep15: Nerve-Wracked with Jeff Dunham 🤣.

Transcript

S2 Ep15: Nerve-Wracked with Jeff Dunham 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: But I gotta do something down the gut.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna start working out?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm gonna get a bigger shirt.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody told me that to stay in shape I should get a trainer.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's a good idea.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: I did it.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: You did, yeah.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: How's that going?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty good.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: So far, I can sit and shake and roll over.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: And then I get a cookie.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: So what else do you know about LA?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the bad traffic here reminds me of marriage.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: How's that?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: You're stuck in it because there was an accident.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Walter told me to tell that one.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Here's another one Walter told me.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: You want to hear this?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Getting married is like your iTunes agreement.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: How's that?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: You'll have no idea what you're saying yes to, but you'll agree just so it'll shut the hell up.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you've been to Disneyland?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love Disneyland.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Did you see it's a small world?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Is that the one where you go on a date and it turns out she's your cousin and you go, ooh, small world?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Then they're done.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, did you know they now sell beer at Disneyland?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: I did know that.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: How old do you have to be to drink beer at Disneyland?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, no, everything goes by height.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So you got drunk at Disneyland.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: No, I stayed drunk at Disneyland.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Baba Jay, that's not good.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I know it was bad.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: At the arcade, I thought we were really hunting and I shot Donald Duck.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: He had a big one in the suit.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Now he walks a little goofy.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: You get it?
• 1:52
  unknown: Goofy.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, did you know that here in LA last week, some guy tried to sell me a map to the stars?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, did you get it?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: No, I went, duh, buddy, just look up.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: So, Baba Jay, when we're in Southern California, are you ever worried about earthquakes?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm used to it.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: The ground is always moving when your hammer.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: If it stops suddenly, that's when I fall down.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, do they have Walmart's in Los Angeles?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, you like Walmart.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, it's so convenient.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Where else can you get Jesus Love kid?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I screwed up the joke.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Wait a minute, you screwed up the joke.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Don't make me say what I did you did, and then make it your fault, my fault, my brain hurts now.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: What were you trying to ask?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: No, what were you trying to make me ask?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't screw this up, you did.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: I need the gun, but you're helping me.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna try that joke again?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna wanna try the joke again?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yinning from the start?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, just just to get it right.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: What's my first line?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, Mr.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: D, why are we on stage like this all the time?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is my job.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: What is this is?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: To stand here and talk to everybody?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's your job?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Don't exactly need a college education for this, do you?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I graduated from college.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, and now you do this?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's a big ass waste of money, wouldn't it?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: You need more education to boil an egg than you do this.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, can you boil an egg?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there you go.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: You got something to fold back on.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I forgot to tell you, Walter told me I should get on Twitter.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Twitter.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, that doesn't sound as fun, does it?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, you know what the hardest part is about the internet for me?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: What, remembering all the passwords?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Well keep it simple.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Just use the name of someone you love.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: My dog?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: What's your dog's name?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Dog?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Your dog's name is Dog.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Actually it's Doug, but the U is silent.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's Italian.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Have you tweeted?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's a big room, I didn't know you know.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: I usually blame that on dog.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, somebody told me they saw me on the internet.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, have you Googled yourself?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Not in public.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Not a lot.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I can still see.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I take it you grew up in a small town.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we're small.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: How small?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we didn't have a street light, so the hooker stood under a flashlight.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: I called her Everett.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Walter and I were talking about our government.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, do you pay attention to politics?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, pay attention to politics, you should do it.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I can I ask you your opinion on some current issues?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, current issues, okay.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about some things you might be familiar with.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, for example, Bubba J, what is your feeling on gun control?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I know that.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, if you're drunk and seeing double shoot in the middle.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: So what do you think about taxing the one percent?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I don't know, I drink whole milk.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Are you familiar with the term no child left behind?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I think the movie's actually called Home Alone.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: So, what do you think about immigration reform?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Is it bad for me to say I'm kinda on the fence on this one?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, what do you think about the Clintons?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: My wife says I can never find it.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, do not worry, I'll never blow up anything if I don't have my lucky charm, which I lost.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: You had a lucky charm, yeah.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: What was it?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I had a little camel's toe.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: The hell are they laughing at?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: What I had a little camel toe!
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: You used to look at it all the time.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not kidding, you would rub it for good luck.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Seriously?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Can we sell little fake ones online?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: Ocklet's lucky camel toe makes a great stocking stuff.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_02: You think anybody saw that?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_02: Where is it?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_02: On the floor.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: Giddy, you idiot.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: Get my freaking arm.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: Don't get my arm, okay.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: Don't leave me here, I'll fall down.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: Go with me, okay.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_05: Put it back, okay?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_05: Put it back, okay?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, sorry, I don't know how to cheat construction.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's not funny.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: I kill you from here.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: How would you do that?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just throw me.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Why not?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: You did peanut.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Can you put it back?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think, I don't know what's wrong.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Just put it there.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: You are so cute.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I think it's good.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Is it okay?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_04: Don't touch my leg.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_04: It's not funny.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_04: Don't touch it, I can do this myself.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_04: No.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_05: It's not funny.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_05: Start laughing.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_05: Stop laughing at me.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_05: This is not funny at all.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_05: This is all your fault I kill you again.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_05: What?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_05: I can do it.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_05: Don't touch my leg.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Still got it.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: Don't let me follow.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: What the hell?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: You want me to f yes, fix my leg.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Don't touch my wee wee.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have one.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's a phantom wee wee.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: His name is Robert.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Unless it's really cold, then it's Bob.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Don't make it talk.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I write not funny though.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we're good.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_03: So now What the hell?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_03: How can I be naked?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: I feel naked.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: Fix all this.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna bite you to death.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: Not funny, not funny, one day.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: This one won't stay.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Please help me walk up, my buddy Peanut.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hey there, Peanut girl.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: How are you doing?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: How are you?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fine.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's good or do that's good.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: So you like it here?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love being in this yeah.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's great.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I love this theater, the Warner the Warner Theater.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's fantastic.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: They have a cool website, right?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: They got a link to our website, which is Jeff Dunham.com, and I think it pulled out, I think that peanut is a host, what's to his day, what's the what?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: We cannot talk at the same time.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: I thought you don't, I thought you don't.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: That's it!
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_02: Focus.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: I am so sick of this crap.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: I have tried going solo.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: What happened?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: Kept falling off this freaking thing and I just why did you interrupt me?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: You mispronounced my name.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: What did you mispronounce my last name?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's Dunham.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now when you look at it, it says Dunham, just dun ham.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're the other white knee.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Don't confuse everyone, it's Dunham.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: It says Dunham Ham.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you know, when you think about it for a second, it's actually jump fuh.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: What jump fa?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: You're using an unneeded F.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Am I pissing you off the You know the weird part is I am actually pissing him off.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: And he would like to kill me! But he will not, because that would be a form of suicide.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: You want to kill me?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't yes you do.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: No, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Insert your feelings, chef.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: So before the show started, I grabbed a small handful.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think you should answer them.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a damn.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: You pal here in a blue shirt in the front row, would you fill one out?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_02: Did you fill once out to?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_02: Where are you going?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_02: Sit the hell down.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: You bastard, this is T.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: Think he's going to take a piss?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: These are expensive tickets, yeah.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: Expensive setup, a lot of production, yeah.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: Divide it all up.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: If he's gone for three minutes, he's taking a six hundred dollar piss.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Dumbass.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_03: Is he coming back?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we'll wait.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: What's that guy's first name?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: Are the speakers jumped up in the bathroom?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, sir.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh Ma.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: We're waiting for you, Mom.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: Kinda tough to go with all this pressure, isn't it, Mom?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: Mike.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_02: Get out.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: Mike's taking a long time.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Could be having trouble.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: What does Mike do for a living?
• 18:26
  unknown: Transportation.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: He he's he does transportation.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell does that mean?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Medical transportation?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck is that?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back, dumbass.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Mike, could you could you hear us in there?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: Mike.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody pull the string, he's not talking.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: Mike, could you hear us in there?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you could well, we could hear you.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't wash your hands.