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I Cut OFf My Best Friend That wouldn't leave a toxic relationship · The Mental Healness Podcast

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When your friend is in a relationship with a narcissist,
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it's one of the toughest situations to deal with.
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As someone that has empathy, as someone that cares, as someone
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that is trying to be there for the person that you love and
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care about. Your friend, your family member,
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your sister, brother, cousin, aunt, mom, dad, whoever it is,
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it's tough watching them be in a time sick relationship and
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getting treated horribly but not leaving or keep going back and
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forth into it. Y'all?
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That's what we're talking about today.
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Of course, if you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.
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I'm a diagnosed narcissist myself.
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Welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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Boom. Welcome back folks, welcome
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back, welcome back. What is going on folks?
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Before we hop into today's episode Y'all, what do y'all
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want to see on this channel? What will make you click on the
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videos more? Nobody's clicking on the
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podcast. I had two great podcast
1:02
interviews that I did. Nobody's clicking on them.
1:04
So what do you want to see on this channel?
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I'm going to move the podcast to its own channel.
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What do you want to see on this channel?
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Drop your thoughts and comments in the comment section.
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I'm taking everything seriously, I promise you.
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But what's happened? Today's episode, y'all.
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I get this question a lot, Lee. My sister's in a toxic
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relationship. She won't leave.
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My brother keeps going back and forth to this toxic woman.
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I don't, I don't know what else to do.
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I'm getting frustrated. The isolation is getting worse,
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man. This is so tough to deal with
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y'all. I'm today, y'all.
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Go hear a personal story of mine that's going to suck to tail.
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I'm telling you this straight up right now.
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Years ago before I got into therapy, right way before I got
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into therapy, right before I got in there.
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Well it was way before my friend had a son that passed away.
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Right? My friend, he had a son that
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passed away and me and his son were like almost the same as I
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ate. Born 2 days apart, one of my
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best friends. He went into a spiral, lost his
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mind and he was in a toxic relationship y'all.
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He kept going back even though the baby that passed away was
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not by the toxic woman. Let me say that right?
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But he kept going back and forth into this toxic relationship.
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He really did and it sucked. He really kept going back and
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forth in a toxic relationship and I would give him advice.
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I'd be like, bro, leave that person alone.
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Brush. She didn't embarrass you online.
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Like she put some of the the the private stuff that they like
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they like to do in the bedroom. She put it online to embarrass
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him, right? Literally on our on our personal
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Facebook page to embarrass him, kept going back and forth.
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They were damn near hit. She was beating on him.
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He was reactive, abusing that they had a horrible
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relationship. It was one of the most toxic
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relationships I've ever seen. And this is before I knew about
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narcissism. This is before I even knew about
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toxic relationship dynamics, right?
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And I was there for him for a while.
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You know, he would hit me up. He was like, man, this happened
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again. And I'd be getting frustrated,
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but I was there for him. But I'd be like, look, man, you
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got to cut her off. This isn't getting any better.
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Like y'all are not y'all don't work together.
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Y'all don't fit. Y'all are in a horrible
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relationship. Honestly, your relationship
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sucks. It is a horrible relationship.
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And of course he'd be like, yeah, man, you right you right
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now, I'm gonna get out of this. I'm done.
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He would break up with her or she would break up with him.
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She would immediately go online, start posting, start posting
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videos with other women and stuff like that.
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Other other men and women. I think she's bisexual.
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So other men and women, she was like moving on like is free,
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blah, blah blah. And of course he would be hurt.
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He would be calling me like man, it suck man.
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Now I hate what she does this I need to get straight strong.
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I'm done with it for good, right.
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And then I told my wife one day I was like, I think he's done
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for good. I think he's he's finished and
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we have been friends for a very long time y'all.
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And I think he's finished. And this is before I knew I was
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a narcissist, right? And then one day I got on
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Facebook and I see him write a post on her.
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It was a picture of him and her dad got back together.
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I was just like, what the hell? And the caption said what's
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understood don't need to be explained.
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Oh no. Well, well, yeah, that's what I
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said. What's understood doesn't need
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to be explained. And I was just like, I seen it,
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right? I called him.
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I said, what the hell are you doing?
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I thought you were done. I thought you said you were done
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when I thought y'all never going back and forth to each other,
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right? And this man said, you know this
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man open his mouth and said, you ain't anybody ever done that for
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me. She's the only person, she's the
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only person that's ever been there for me.
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Nobody's ever done anything, yo. This is this relationship, like
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6-7 months isn't even a long term relationship, right?
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Nobody's done anything for you, yo.
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Everybody in our everybody in our friends circle has
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sacrificed for this man, giving him money when he had no job.
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Let him get get some place to stay.
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So that felt like it seriously violated me when he said that he
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was like, man, nobody ever done nothing for me.
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I'm good, don't worry about me. Duh, duh, duh, duh.
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And I was like, all right, great.
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Y'all, I'm a narcissist, remember?
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I don't I at this point is like 2016, early 2017.
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I didn't really know right, But I told him straight up, all
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right, I'm done. I told my wife that day.
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I said I'm never talking to him again.
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He will never hear my voice again.
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And she was just like, no, you just angry.
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You just upset. And I was like, I'm dead
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serious. And now that's been, this has
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been, that's what, 20/16/2017? It was a while after that, I
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think it was 2017, right? There's been like, it's since
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then. I ain't really had no cover.
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I ain't seen him. This has been seven years, 7-8
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years. I was done.
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And I look back at it now because I do a lot of coaching
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calls with people that are in relationships with narcissists
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and their friends, their friends dip out in them, their friends
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no longer talk to them or they cut their own friends off and
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they feel like they're they feel like they're super alone in the
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world. And I look back in that time
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now, I was like, man, I told my wife.
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Actually I told her this morning or last night, last night I was
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like, I cut him off and he was in his house relationship.
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And I feel horrible about that right now.
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And this is years later. I just came to this realization
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the other day when I was just meditating.
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I was like, damn, I really cut, cut off more of my best friends
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in his time of need. You know, I was just like, and
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my wife was like, wow, we didn't we, we didn't think about it
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like that back then. It was just like, I'm done with
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him because he don't want to listen.
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He betrayed, he betrayed us. He betrayed himself to hell with
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him, right? I don't care what happens to him
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now. He he's on his own.
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I don't want to hear anything else from him, right?
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And he was like, I ain't talked to him since.
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Really. Mary ain't seen him.
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It's been years. I wasn't.
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Oh, yeah. It's been so long.
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And we were friends. Literally.
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I was just too before. Before long, I was with kids.
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I cut him off and he needed me, right?
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And I feel bad about that now because I understand how toxic
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relationship dynamics work, right?
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I understand it the, the back and forth.
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I understand that it takes victims 7 times to leave.
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I understand. And I didn't understand it back
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then, right? And I say that to say this, I've
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had that experience in real life.
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But I just realized that like I understand y'all, when you have
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someone that's in a toxic relationship and they keep going
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back and forth, you want to cut them off.
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And sometimes that's what we're sometimes this week.
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If you do that, I'm not trying to make you feel like a bad
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person, right? Sometimes you have to separate
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yourself from it's okay. Yeah, it's okay to set
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boundaries with someone that you care about that's in a toxic
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relationship. That's what they narcissist
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that's in an abusive relationship because if you
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don't set boundaries, they're going to bring you down every
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time you're around them. When you around them, they're
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going to bring up the abusive relationship that you've told
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them to leave 1000 times. You're going to be having a
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happy good day and they're going to bring something up.
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They're going to start crying because of something that they
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went through and they want to talk about it.
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And then they make the they're going to make the conversation
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all about them. They're victims now.
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They are victims, but they're going to make the conversation
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the whole night all about them. And then you're going to not
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want to have them over anymore. Your other friends and family
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members. Hey, don't invite Lee this time
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because last time he came over here, all they did was talk
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about his ex or all he did was talk about the the relationship
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that we've told him to leave 1000 times.
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I don't want to hear it anymore. If you invite him, I'm not
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coming. You see how now you're the
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friend that's in the middle, You're trying to be there for
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your friend that's in an abusive relationship, but your other
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friends is like, look, we love them, but they don't want to
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listen. They're going to be by they,
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they bring everybody else down when they're around, they hurt
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everybody else. It's not that we don't care
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about them. It's the fact that every time we
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around them, it's drained. They they're draining the energy
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from everybody else. They're killing the mood.
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We don't want to be around them like that, you know, we'll talk
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to, we'll be friends with them. But if they're going to come
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around, can you please set a boundary and say, hey, look,
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don't talk about your partner because we don't want to hear
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it. And then you in the middle, just
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imagine if you choose to stay close to your abusive friend and
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invite them everywhere, you're going to lose your other
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friends. And then what happens in that
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situation? The abusive friend might cut you
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off because you set a boundary and then you're alone.
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The other friends don't want to talk to you anymore because you
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chose them. You see, I'm saying it's a
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delicate, very delicate situation to be in when you're
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in the damn middle man. It really is.
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And I hate the fact that so many people get put in these
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predicaments. I was in it, like I said, I cut
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my friend off because I got tired of dealing with it.
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I'm like, man, help. I told you I had to go back.
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You not listening. I'm not wasting not another
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ounce of my energy. And I feel horrible about that
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now because I just woke up today, right?
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Because I've been in therapy and allowed me to just feel, which I
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hate sometimes, right? But it's just I wish I would
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have been there four more, right?
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Because what if. What if a week later, he would
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have called and that he would actually been done.
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He eventually left that relationship, right.
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Years later, from what I saw on Facebook years later.
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But I, like, I didn't have time and energy to hear about that no
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more. You know what I'm saying?
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I just like, he got out of it. But yeah, I'm going to reach
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out. Yeah.
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I know people are like, Leo, you reach out.
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Yeah, I'm going to reach out here pretty soon.
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Yeah, I am. I know.
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I'm not going to keep avoiding the reaching out part because it
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makes me uncomfortable. I'm not going to do that.
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Right, I want to do that, to get that off my heart and just let
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him know I love him, I care about him.
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And I'm sorry, right, for leaving you your time of need.
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But sometimes you, that's what you have to do, man.
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Like I said, sometimes it's like I have the yeah, I have so many
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of these stories. Like sometimes you have to
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distance yourself from that person, y'all?
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Like I said, you don't have to cut them off completely, but
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sometimes it's OK to set a boundary.
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Hey, look, if you come over here, we love to have you over
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here, but please can we keep the, the talk about the
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relationship to a minimum? Or can we just set a time for we
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took for us to talk about that later on?
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Like come over here, have fun, get away from the toxicity, come
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have fun, breathe a little bit, stretch your legs a little bit,
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something like that. When you don't wear, you're not,
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you're not drowning in this toxicity anymore, right?
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And that you can set boundaries. Are you allowed to set
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boundaries for people that are they won't listen to you?
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You're allowed to set boundaries for people who are in toxic
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relationships. They have to learn how to set
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boundaries, saying they don't have any boundaries.
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You know, you don't have to have any.
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You can protect your own peace. Yeah, because like what ends up
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happening as a friend of somebody that's in an abusive in
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a in an abusive relationship, what ends up happening is that
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you take it like you are taking that energy on.
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Like you have this friend. Let's say I have my friend,
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right? He comes to me talks and
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complaints about his tax relationship, but he will not
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leave that he's stuck in right. He's humble, bonded to like and
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then I'm sad now because I watched you back into it.
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Now I go home. I'm sad with my wife now.
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Me and my wife are arguing. Me and my wife are having
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problems. Me and my wife are going back
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and forth because my energy is low, because my mood has been
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altered and shifted because I've been do around this.
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You see what I'm saying? Saying you're allowed to set
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boundaries, you're allowed to hit you, allowed to create some
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distance. I'm not telling you to cut your
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friend completely off because y'all think about this right
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here. If you cut them completely off,
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that's 100% what the abuser wants.
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If you cut them completely off, that's 1000% what the abuser
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want. The abuser wants them to be by
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themselves. The abuser wants them to be solo
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dolo. The abuser wants that.
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They want that right there. You see what I'm saying?
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The abuser absolutely wants them to be by themselves.
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They want the isolation. They want that person by
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themselves so they can continue to abuse them.
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That's what they want. You know what I mean?
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That's literally what they want. They want this to happen.
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You don't have to let it happen though, right?
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This is not something that you have to let happen, right?
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You can create some distance, but you don't want to.
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Sometimes you have to write every case by case basis, you
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know? I mean, it's a case by case
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basis out here. It really is, man.
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That's why like literally, it's a case by case basis.
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As you keep moving forward, stake, keep your friend around,
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right? But sometimes you can set a
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boundary. Hey, look, I love you, but
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there's nothing else I can tell you about this toxic
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relationship because you're not willing to listen right now,
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right? When you willing, when you ready
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to leave, when you willing ready to listen, I'm here for you.
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But until then, what can I do? You see what I'm saying?
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I got stories like this all the time, guys.
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I want to tell more of these stories from my real life or
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relationship dynamic. I can, right?
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Because This is why this is what happens sometimes.
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Like the abuser wants you. Seriously.
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The abuser wants you to leave them by themselves because then
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they got them all along on this island.
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On abuser island. You're on narcissist island.
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Like Gullah, Gullah Island from back in the day, you're on
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narcissist island. Narcissist island.
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It's horrible, but yeah, man. So I say I'm, I feel bad right
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now because I did cut my friend off, but I'm, I have a
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personality disorder, y'all I when I felt like he disrespected
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me, y'all cause a narcissist to injury by not listening.
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I had to, yeah, I chose myself, right?
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But I am going to call him, y'all, when I call him and talk
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to him, I'll let y'all know how the conversation goes.
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Y'all. I really will.
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You know what I mean? I'll let you know how the
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conversation goes. Just wanna let y'all know that I
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appreciate y'all. Let me know what you want to see
14:09
on this channel. I can tell more stories like
14:11
this. I can do more story times.
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I'm going to move the podcast to its own channel, y'all, Cause
14:14
like y'all not clicking on the podcast.
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If you like the podcast interviews that I'm doing, go to
14:19
the mental illness podcast page and click on that 'cause I'm
14:21
going to be putting them all over there.
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I'm doing like 2-3 interviews a week.
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A lot of longer podcasts are coming, y'all.
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I promise you this video don't run along but I normally like
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these videos but I got into the story time in my real life.
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Anyways. Y'all hit that subscribe button
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and I'm out peace0mentalillness.net for
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everything y'all. I'm out with peace.