Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 424. Friendship Red Flags, Jealousy & Feeling Like a Fraud. (Headnoise)

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424. Friendship Red Flags, Jealousy & Feeling Like a Fraud. (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, Hello everyone, and welcome to the podcast episode
0:17
Speaker 1: of Today. So this is a head noise episode. If
0:19
Speaker 1: you don't yet know what a head noise episode is,
0:21
Speaker 1: It's where I answer your head noise and we try
0:24
Speaker 1: and unravel it. We try and get you out of
0:27
Speaker 1: your head and into reality and creating some solutions in
0:31
Speaker 1: your life. So this is an email head noise. So
0:34
Speaker 1: for those of you playing at home who know what
0:35
Speaker 1: I'm talking about, phenomenal. For those that don't, we have
0:39
Speaker 1: voice mail head noise and email head noise, so ones
0:42
Speaker 1: that I read out your emails and ones where I
0:44
Speaker 1: play the audio. If you would like to send in
0:47
Speaker 1: your question, you can send in your audio at the
0:51
Speaker 1: link in www dot dyfmpod dot com. Otherwise you can
0:55
Speaker 1: email your question at info at dyfmpod dot com. Now,
0:59
Speaker 1: life update, I've finally moved. For those of you that
1:04
Speaker 1: I don't know, I think I've spoken about. Am I
1:06
Speaker 1: going to move? Am I not? Whatever? I've finally moved
1:09
Speaker 1: because we've got twins on the way and it was
1:13
Speaker 1: just not a possibility to raise children in a shoe box. Unfortunately,
1:16
Speaker 1: because Taran and I loved the apartment that we lived in,
1:19
Speaker 1: it was tiny, but it was our pride and joy
1:21
Speaker 1: and we fucking loved it. I would have stayed there forever,
1:23
Speaker 1: but it was just too small to have children, Like
1:24
Speaker 1: where does one store one nappy, let alone forty five
1:28
Speaker 1: thousand when you've got twins. So I was like, this
1:30
Speaker 1: is not gonna happen. We need to leave. So we
1:32
Speaker 1: found a place like two blocks down on the same
1:35
Speaker 1: street that we lived in, which is exactly what we wanted.
1:39
Speaker 1: And we have also I've given up the office lease
1:41
Speaker 1: because we've got a much bigger place and one of
1:44
Speaker 1: the rooms I've converted into my office and it's just
1:46
Speaker 1: all happening in the one location, which I think will
1:48
Speaker 1: be better as far as kind of divving up my
1:52
Speaker 1: workload having my office just right here, especially when the
1:55
Speaker 1: children arrive. Um yeah. Apart from that, on the weekend
2:00
Speaker 1: I went to Bury. It was freezing, it was exactly
2:03
Speaker 1: what I wanted. Went with my cousins and this place
2:05
Speaker 1: had a fireplace and Jasell and I are training for
2:09
Speaker 1: the New South Wales State Jigsaw puzzle competition, so we
2:12
Speaker 1: went through all these puzzles. We sat in front of
2:14
Speaker 1: the fireplace the whole time. We left only to get food,
2:18
Speaker 1: coffee and donuts from the donut van if you know,
2:20
Speaker 1: you know, we had one to two donuts every day
2:23
Speaker 1: of the four day trip we were there, and that
2:25
Speaker 1: was our quest and we achieved it and we went
2:28
Speaker 1: above and beyond with the donuts. Very happy. We take
2:31
Speaker 1: that off and Tyrone and my cousin Josel's wife, Frankie,
2:35
Speaker 1: they played gonga, which is a Spanish card game. Like
2:40
Speaker 1: the entire time that we were doing puzzles, it was iconic.
2:42
Speaker 1: And Thenaselle and I made a pie which was awful.
2:45
Speaker 1: It was awful. We should have stuck to the family
2:47
Speaker 1: shepherd's pie recipe. We did not, and it had too
2:50
Speaker 1: much brie. It was just I don't even want to
2:52
Speaker 1: go into it because it's quite sad. We spent like
2:54
Speaker 1: seven hours making it. But apart from that great success
2:57
Speaker 1: of a weekend anyway, let's get into the podcast off today.
3:02
Speaker 1: I'm loving your titles. By the way, the titles give
3:05
Speaker 1: Shanaiah and me life, So please love these creative titles.
3:10
Speaker 1: The first one is is my bestie a gold digger?
3:14
Speaker 1: Or am I just bitter? Phenomenal? Great? This is like
3:18
Speaker 1: deed Dolly or doctor Dolly or whatever. It was called
3:20
Speaker 1: It's just iconic. Hi, Alexis, I've been feeling off about
3:24
Speaker 1: something and would love your take. I've been close with
3:27
Speaker 1: this friend for a long time, and we became especially
3:29
Speaker 1: tired a few years ago when we both found ourselves
3:31
Speaker 1: newly single after long term relationships. She was a big
3:34
Speaker 1: support for me during an extremely challenging period. Not long after,
3:38
Speaker 1: I found out she had been involved in an affair
3:41
Speaker 1: as the other woman. It made me really uncomfortable, especially
3:44
Speaker 1: considering how much she had helped me through the exact
3:46
Speaker 1: pain she had been complicit in. Still, I told myself
3:50
Speaker 1: everyone makes mistakes, people can grow, and I didn't want
3:53
Speaker 1: to lose her as a friend when we had gotten
3:55
Speaker 1: so close. But now I'm wondering if I'm just ignoring
3:57
Speaker 1: a character trait I didn't want to see because I
4:00
Speaker 1: was so reliant on the support at the time. Since then,
4:03
Speaker 1: she's dated a few men, and I've started to notice
4:05
Speaker 1: a pattern. She receives a lot expensive gifts like clothes, shoes, bags,
4:11
Speaker 1: luxury staycations, trips, fancy dinners, and the guy's always paying
4:15
Speaker 1: for everything. Fucking what a life. What sits uncomfortably with
4:19
Speaker 1: me are the frequent half joking, almost boastful comments about
4:23
Speaker 1: what she's going to ask for next. She loves a
4:26
Speaker 1: lux lifestyle. She'll wear designer bags while borrowing money from
4:29
Speaker 1: her parents to cover bills, which just adds to the
4:32
Speaker 1: feeling that appearances are a priority. Don't get me wrong,
4:35
Speaker 1: I love nice things too. This isn't about judging people
4:38
Speaker 1: who enjoy luxury or being spoilt, but it's the tone
4:40
Speaker 1: and intention behind it that feels a bit off and
4:43
Speaker 1: potentially manipulative. I do think she genuinely likes the current guy,
4:47
Speaker 1: but it also feels like there's some strategy at play,
4:50
Speaker 1: using men some she barely knows to create a lifestyle.
4:53
Speaker 1: If he didn't spoil her constantly, I'm not sure she'd
4:56
Speaker 1: be interested. She's even said her love language isn't gifts,
4:59
Speaker 1: which adds to the confusion. It's making me a question
5:02
Speaker 1: whether I'm being overly critical and projecting based on her
5:04
Speaker 1: past affair involvement, or if I'm acknowledging a pattern I
5:09
Speaker 1: don't think is right. Is she a manipulative person? Am
5:13
Speaker 1: I jealous? Or are our values just clashing now and
5:16
Speaker 1: I'm seeing a side of her I don't align with?
5:18
Speaker 1: Or could I be carrying resentment from the cheating thing
5:21
Speaker 1: that I never fully processed, which is making me hypercritical.
5:24
Speaker 1: It sucks because we're really close, especially through some heavy
5:26
Speaker 1: life moments. So we were really close, especially through some
5:30
Speaker 1: heavy life moments. But now I find myself wondering if
5:32
Speaker 1: she's actually the kind of person I thought she was,
5:34
Speaker 1: and that's a really uncomfortable feeling, or whether I'm just
5:37
Speaker 1: being bitter because of jealousy, even though it would make
5:40
Speaker 1: me uncomfortable to accept as much as she has accepted.
5:44
Speaker 1: Would love your thoughts, love the pod, and love you.
5:46
Speaker 1: This is great and great self awareness. Can I just say,
5:50
Speaker 1: really good question. The first thing that I want you
5:54
Speaker 1: to really wrap your head around before you start feeling
5:56
Speaker 1: sorry for these men, is is she really manipulating them
6:00
Speaker 1: like there's a grown ass men? I don't think many men.
6:06
Speaker 1: Most of the men that are in this situation where
6:08
Speaker 1: they're buying the woman all these gifts, showering her with gifts,
6:11
Speaker 1: they're getting something out of it too. I can guarantee
6:13
Speaker 1: you right now there's no gun to their head. They're
6:15
Speaker 1: getting something out of it. Maybe she's a hot, fucking
6:18
Speaker 1: fine piece of arm candy that they're proud to be
6:21
Speaker 1: around because she's whatever they're good for, Like she might
6:23
Speaker 1: be good for their ego. Maybe she's just a fucking blast.
6:27
Speaker 1: She's so entertaining, and they're like, yeah, I'll fucking I'll
6:30
Speaker 1: throw gifts and cash at you because I enjoy your
6:32
Speaker 1: company and I have the money to throw around. So
6:35
Speaker 1: as far as manipulation and feeling sorry for the men,
6:37
Speaker 1: that does not need to happen. These are adults. There's
6:40
Speaker 1: a grown men choosing to spend the money the way
6:44
Speaker 1: they see fit. And often when I look at gold
6:46
Speaker 1: digger quote unquote gold digger relationships, both people are digging here.
6:50
Speaker 1: Often the man's digging for looks, they're not throwing cash
6:55
Speaker 1: at someone who they're not physically sexually attracted to, and
6:58
Speaker 1: the woman is digging for gift or money. So there's
7:02
Speaker 1: a mutual exchange. I can tell you right now. If
7:04
Speaker 1: the man didn't find this mutually beneficial, they would not
7:06
Speaker 1: be partaking in this partnership. So, I mean, whether you
7:10
Speaker 1: would do it for money or not is a completely
7:12
Speaker 1: different story. But as far as I have no problem
7:15
Speaker 1: with the concept of gold digging, because anyone is free
7:19
Speaker 1: to walk away at any point if you are choosing
7:21
Speaker 1: to shower someone with gifts and money and whatever, you're
7:24
Speaker 1: getting something out of it. There is no way that
7:26
Speaker 1: you're doing it out of charity. And if you are
7:28
Speaker 1: doing out of charity, again, it's your fucking choice. So
7:31
Speaker 1: there's no I would not feel bad. Now let's address
7:34
Speaker 1: the cheating thing. I guess you also have to ask
7:36
Speaker 1: yourself where was her head at? How does she feel
7:39
Speaker 1: about it? Now? Does she kind of regret doing that?
7:43
Speaker 1: When I look at being the other woman, this concept
7:47
Speaker 1: of being the other woman, it's very, very complicated because
7:51
Speaker 1: I would never ever, ever actively enter a relationship with
7:55
Speaker 1: someone that I knew was in a relationship, and I
7:57
Speaker 1: don't think you should ever do that in general. It's
7:59
Speaker 1: just a breach of me things. However, the real person
8:02
Speaker 1: who is fucking up is the person who's in the relationship. Okay,
8:07
Speaker 1: So you can't say that she having this affair is
8:13
Speaker 1: so hurtful because you were hurt. No, No, you were
8:16
Speaker 1: hurt because your partner cheated on you, rightly, so you
8:19
Speaker 1: should be hurt by that. Most people like that. That
8:21
Speaker 1: makes sense, But it's the person in the wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,
8:25
Speaker 1: wrong is the person cheating. Okay, So don't shift the
8:28
Speaker 1: blame further than it needs to be shifted. The person
8:31
Speaker 1: in the wrong is the person cheating. Should you then
8:33
Speaker 1: go and contribute and be the other woman? No? Absolutely not,
8:35
Speaker 1: absolutely not, That's not what I'm saying. But don't start
8:39
Speaker 1: to shift the blame and start to play victim in
8:41
Speaker 1: a situation where you don't have to play the victim.
8:43
Speaker 1: She played, she was the other woman. It's not ideal.
8:46
Speaker 1: It's also you're not gonna get much out of it
8:47
Speaker 1: being the other woman anyway. And additionally, I feel like
8:53
Speaker 1: you've got to look at how she feels after the fact,
8:55
Speaker 1: like does she think I'm never going to do that again,
8:58
Speaker 1: that you know, I kind of regret that I don't
9:00
Speaker 1: really want to play a role in this thing, Or
9:02
Speaker 1: is she like i'd fucking do it again? Because I
9:04
Speaker 1: think that also helps you understand morally where you guys
9:08
Speaker 1: align if and if not, So that's another thing to
9:13
Speaker 1: really factor in. If she if she kind of regretted
9:15
Speaker 1: it or thought, nah, I wouldn't really do that or whatever,
9:17
Speaker 1: then I think I could look past it. I could
9:19
Speaker 1: move past it, because people make stupid decisions and they
9:22
Speaker 1: grow from it. Now, you know, you say that you know,
9:28
Speaker 1: she says she's not she's not a person of gift giving.
9:32
Speaker 1: Isn't her love language? And she doesn't, you know, really
9:35
Speaker 1: love gifts and whatever? I would ask myself, And this
9:40
Speaker 1: is this is where you can figure out is this
9:42
Speaker 1: jealousy or do I have a problem with how she lives?
9:45
Speaker 1: How does this negatively impact you all your relationship with her,
9:52
Speaker 1: because you might be like, no, I'm not jealous, but
9:54
Speaker 1: she's become so materialistic that it's just not even fun
9:57
Speaker 1: hanging around her. She's a bore because it's all about
9:59
Speaker 1: that's fine, And then it does negatively affect your friendship
10:01
Speaker 1: because you're like, oh, it's not what it used to be.
10:04
Speaker 1: But if it's like the only reason this negatively affects
10:08
Speaker 1: me is because she's getting all these things that I
10:10
Speaker 1: would have to work a lot harder for if I
10:12
Speaker 1: want to have those things, then you can acknowledge maybe
10:14
Speaker 1: I'm a bit jealous because someone is just getting something
10:17
Speaker 1: that seems like it's for free, even though there is
10:20
Speaker 1: some sort of an exchange going on in that relationship.
10:23
Speaker 1: So really dig deep and say, are these traits negatively
10:28
Speaker 1: affecting me? Or is it just highlighting what I don't have,
10:30
Speaker 1: and I wish I had, because I have some friends
10:35
Speaker 1: that are kind of borderline gold diggers and they're great
10:38
Speaker 1: at it and fucking each to their own. Like, honestly,
10:41
Speaker 1: if you want to dig gold and someone wants to
10:43
Speaker 1: showering you with gifts and it's all above board and
10:46
Speaker 1: everyone's being honest, why not if someone like you do?
10:50
Speaker 1: You not my cup of tea. But if that's how
10:54
Speaker 1: you want to live your life and you're an adult
10:56
Speaker 1: and you're honest and you're transparent and you're open, fucking
11:00
Speaker 1: go for gold. If someone wants to pay for a
11:02
Speaker 1: holiday for you to go to Saint Trepez, love that
11:05
Speaker 1: so much for you, you better be sending me updates constantly
11:08
Speaker 1: because I want to know all about it. Right. You
11:10
Speaker 1: can make this a fun thing and be like, you
11:12
Speaker 1: know what, our lifestyles are completely different, but let you
11:15
Speaker 1: know I'm here for you. I'm here for it, and
11:21
Speaker 1: you know, include me in all the fun adventures that
11:23
Speaker 1: you go on in this crazy gold digger kind of
11:26
Speaker 1: life that you live. I don't think it has to
11:29
Speaker 1: be something so negative just because you don't align or
11:31
Speaker 1: agree with You could still have a great friendship, a
11:34
Speaker 1: great friendship. I don't have to align with every one
11:37
Speaker 1: of my friends on everything in order to have a
11:40
Speaker 1: great friendship. I'm very different to a lot of my
11:42
Speaker 1: friends in how we live our life. Deep deep morals
11:46
Speaker 1: we align with, you know, like we're not racist or
11:48
Speaker 1: homophobic or those major issues, but in general with everything else,
11:52
Speaker 1: like there's like some little things here and there that
11:53
Speaker 1: we don't align with and it doesn't affect us directly,
11:57
Speaker 1: and therefore I kind of enjoy the difference within the
12:01
Speaker 1: individuals in the friendship. So it doesn't have to be
12:04
Speaker 1: something that affects you so much. You just have to acknowledge.
12:07
Speaker 1: Every time you get annoyed at something, ask yourself, am
12:10
Speaker 1: I annoyed because it's directly affecting me? And often the
12:12
Speaker 1: answer is no, Or am I annoyed because it's just
12:16
Speaker 1: really highlighting something that I wish I had? And if
12:19
Speaker 1: it is something that you wish you had, then just
12:22
Speaker 1: naming it, being acutely aware that this is why you're
12:25
Speaker 1: feeling that way actually starts to like cut bring down
12:31
Speaker 1: the level of jealousy that you're feeling because you've become
12:34
Speaker 1: openly aware of it. You're consciously aware of it. And
12:36
Speaker 1: then you're like, okay, cool, Yes I would like something,
12:39
Speaker 1: but would I trade lives with her? And often the
12:43
Speaker 1: answer is no. If I ever feel like, oh, that
12:46
Speaker 1: person has something that I really wish I had, and
12:47
Speaker 1: then I have a pang of jealousy, instantly you think
12:49
Speaker 1: would I try lives with this person? The moment the
12:51
Speaker 1: answer is no, it's like because I have riches in
12:55
Speaker 1: other ways in my life. And then that really settles
12:58
Speaker 1: you down, and then you think, oh, I was just
12:59
Speaker 1: like I was love being up here was being h
13:01
Speaker 1: in my head, and now I'm a bit more ground
13:03
Speaker 1: and I feel a lot better. So I feel like
13:05
Speaker 1: there is a lot of substance in that friendship, and
13:07
Speaker 1: it would be a shame to lose that friendship. You
13:09
Speaker 1: need to manage your expectations around people around you and
13:12
Speaker 1: be like, she's a gold digger, that's what she is.
13:14
Speaker 1: Good on her, you know, and that she's not manipulating people.
13:17
Speaker 1: They're grown men. They're fucking grown men. If anything, you
13:20
Speaker 1: could say they're manipulating her because who's buying who they are? Right,
13:23
Speaker 1: So as long as she knows what she's getting herself into,
13:26
Speaker 1: good on her, I say, all right, next question, when
13:30
Speaker 1: his past walks in how do I stay cool? Dear Alexis,
13:33
Speaker 1: thank you for everything that you do. I've listened to
13:35
Speaker 1: your Retroactive Jealousy podcast about a billion times to get
13:38
Speaker 1: it through my head and become more secure in myself
13:41
Speaker 1: and my relationship. It has helped so much. Thank you.
13:43
Speaker 1: I'm with a good man, a very attractive one at that, lol.
13:48
Speaker 1: So I wanted your mindset in terms of jealousy. How
13:50
Speaker 1: can I both remain calm and secure and how my
13:55
Speaker 1: mindset should be when either random girls hit on him,
13:57
Speaker 1: say at a bar or just out in the street,
14:00
Speaker 1: or when I'm not even there. I'm thinking hypothetically here,
14:02
Speaker 1: as he is a good looking bloke, I've got to
14:04
Speaker 1: expect that others will think the same. We're fairly you.
14:07
Speaker 1: So part of this is my anxiety preparing for the worst.
14:10
Speaker 1: But I want to be cool, calm, and confident in
14:12
Speaker 1: myself and our relationship. Or even if we'd run into
14:16
Speaker 1: an ex fling of his or something. He doesn't have
14:18
Speaker 1: one X in particular, and sorry, he does have one
14:22
Speaker 1: X in particular, and their relationship was over eight years long.
14:25
Speaker 1: I just wanted to be secure in our relationship, but
14:28
Speaker 1: there was no bad ending with them, So there's the
14:30
Speaker 1: possibility that they will catch up for a coffee in
14:32
Speaker 1: the future. How do I be okay with this? I
14:35
Speaker 1: don't want to turn into a shell of a human.
14:37
Speaker 1: I'd love your holp Understanding how it's okay to be
14:39
Speaker 1: friends with Xes? I should note that he is truly
14:42
Speaker 1: trustworthy and a good man. I trust him. How can
14:45
Speaker 1: I calm my jealousy or how can I perceive it
14:48
Speaker 1: if randoms or even people he knows or past flings
14:51
Speaker 1: try to hit on him, and just be secure and understanding,
14:54
Speaker 1: love your work, appreciate everything that you do. Okay. So
14:57
Speaker 1: when it comes to dealing with kind of this like
15:00
Speaker 1: security slash insecurity around people flirting with your partner, it's
15:04
Speaker 1: very I mean a lot of this of what you said,
15:06
Speaker 1: you're talking hypotheticals here, So you're very much creating movies
15:09
Speaker 1: in your head and then reliving them and reliving them.
15:12
Speaker 1: So that is going to be causing you animosity, and
15:14
Speaker 1: that is what anxiety is. You're creating a scenario in
15:16
Speaker 1: your head and experiencing it as if it's real, and
15:20
Speaker 1: kind of like dwelling on that or the lack of
15:22
Speaker 1: something happening. So let's talk about firstly, this flirting interaction,
15:29
Speaker 1: because I'm not sure if you've seen an interaction like
15:31
Speaker 1: that occur or if you're imagining it in your head.
15:34
Speaker 1: But when you look at that, the number one thing
15:37
Speaker 1: you have to look at is how does my partner
15:40
Speaker 1: react when someone flirts with them? Okay, because if they
15:45
Speaker 1: are warm and kind and open, but just respectfully like Noah,
15:48
Speaker 1: respectfully like not interested to me, that's the best reaction.
15:52
Speaker 1: If someone freezes up when someone flirts with them around
15:55
Speaker 1: me and they're like awkward to me, it shows you've
15:59
Speaker 1: got something to hide. Why can't you just be naturally yourself?
16:01
Speaker 1: Like why you're freezing up? Is it because when I'm
16:03
Speaker 1: not here, you're you know what I mean? Like, I
16:05
Speaker 1: feel like if someone has absolutely nothing to hide, and
16:08
Speaker 1: if they're cool, they might even very have like harmless
16:11
Speaker 1: banter back, and I do it in the sense of
16:14
Speaker 1: putting myself in those shoes. If someone was to harmlessly
16:17
Speaker 1: flirt with me and Tyrone was in the room, I
16:20
Speaker 1: could playfully like have a comment back joke with this person,
16:26
Speaker 1: definitely not sending any signals or not showing that I'm interested,
16:29
Speaker 1: but kind of joke, have a bit of banter off
16:31
Speaker 1: like no, I'm not interested or whatever, and then just
16:33
Speaker 1: walk away and feel very confident in myself, and Tyrone
16:37
Speaker 1: would be like, yeah, love that for you. Same as
16:39
Speaker 1: if I saw someone flirting with Tyrone, if he kind
16:42
Speaker 1: of you know, I actually find it nice when he's
16:45
Speaker 1: confident around other people. And if there's harmless flirting going on,
16:48
Speaker 1: to me that that wouldn't be anything. And when I'm
16:50
Speaker 1: mean by harmless flirting, it's talking about them politely engaging
16:54
Speaker 1: with somebody. Okay, politely engaging, maybe have a joke. You
16:57
Speaker 1: might not even call it flirting, you might just call
16:59
Speaker 1: it playful banter, and that to me is healthy. You've
17:04
Speaker 1: got to look at it as if someone can just
17:06
Speaker 1: be themselves all the time and they can be playful
17:10
Speaker 1: and fun to anyone and polite, then that's to me
17:15
Speaker 1: the least threatening thing, because you also don't want your
17:17
Speaker 1: partner to be like oh and get really awkward when
17:20
Speaker 1: someone floats with them, because if they're a good looking
17:22
Speaker 1: person ideally, and if people are floating with them all
17:26
Speaker 1: the time, you want them to know how to manage
17:28
Speaker 1: that situation comfortably. And if part of that is, you know,
17:32
Speaker 1: enjoying it and you know having fun with it. Absolutely
17:35
Speaker 1: go for it. You know, you're not breaching anything in
17:37
Speaker 1: the relationship, You're not disrespecting anyone in the process. That's
17:40
Speaker 1: personally how I look at it, and I think it
17:41
Speaker 1: allows more freedom within the relationship because it says I
17:44
Speaker 1: really trust you, I don't mind you having banter with
17:46
Speaker 1: other people, you know, like strangers who are going to
17:48
Speaker 1: float with you because like me, they also think you're
17:51
Speaker 1: hot or not. Now, when it comes to this X thing,
17:56
Speaker 1: you're saying that they might meet up for coffee, they might,
18:00
Speaker 1: they might that this is a conversation that needs to
18:02
Speaker 1: be had. Just say, hey, you know, what's your relationship
18:06
Speaker 1: like with your ex? Would you would you catch up
18:07
Speaker 1: for coffee? And if you would, how often would it be.
18:11
Speaker 1: Would it be the kind of relationship that you want
18:12
Speaker 1: to catch up enough that you want to introduce them
18:14
Speaker 1: to your new partners or is it like far enough
18:17
Speaker 1: away that you wouldn't be introduced? Do you know what
18:19
Speaker 1: I mean? Like this this and it's not in an
18:22
Speaker 1: attacking way, but it's it's you're just trying to be transparent,
18:25
Speaker 1: you know. Like again Tyrone, he's got great relationships with
18:30
Speaker 1: I don't want to say great. He's got very civil
18:33
Speaker 1: relationships with his exes because he never had a horrible
18:36
Speaker 1: toxic falling out. All his relationships ended very peacefully, very healthily,
18:41
Speaker 1: to the extent that, you know, if one of his exes,
18:45
Speaker 1: you know, has something great happened to them where they
18:47
Speaker 1: had a kid, he'll congratulate them. You know. It's very,
18:50
Speaker 1: very amicable. And I actually find that less of a
18:55
Speaker 1: threat than someone who harbors a lot of animals and
19:00
Speaker 1: emotions towards an X, because to me, that screams a
19:04
Speaker 1: lot of unfinished business, whereas someone having a great relationship. Again,
19:10
Speaker 1: great is like to too strong a word because they
19:12
Speaker 1: probably don't even see each other. But very civil kind
19:15
Speaker 1: relationship with the X to me is very secure. It's
19:18
Speaker 1: very If your relationship is good with your ex, then
19:22
Speaker 1: there is no reason for you to be together, because
19:25
Speaker 1: if your relationship was good mutually and you were both
19:28
Speaker 1: still into each other, you'd be together. So if you
19:31
Speaker 1: can be broken up and have a good relationship, that
19:34
Speaker 1: to me says you are so not into each other
19:37
Speaker 1: in that way, you have so moved past it and
19:40
Speaker 1: now just look at each other as like part of
19:43
Speaker 1: my past. Whatever now I'm saying that for the most part, Yes,
19:47
Speaker 1: there's going to be the exceptions to the rule, like
19:49
Speaker 1: with everything that I talk about, But in general, if
19:52
Speaker 1: someone can be that secure with having an amicable relationship
19:56
Speaker 1: with the past xes, I think that is less of
20:00
Speaker 1: a threat to me because it's keeping everything above board.
20:02
Speaker 1: It's being very you know, kind of honest and transparent
20:06
Speaker 1: with everything. Now, I guess one thing that you could do,
20:09
Speaker 1: like tools. Obviously you've listened to the Retroactive Jealousy episode
20:12
Speaker 1: a lot, but tools that you could bring into practice
20:17
Speaker 1: would be you also want to remind yourself of what
20:22
Speaker 1: it is that you guys have within your relationship that
20:25
Speaker 1: makes your relationship unique to you. Why is it that
20:28
Speaker 1: he is in this relationship? Why is it that you
20:31
Speaker 1: are in this relationship? Because you know, you could go
20:35
Speaker 1: crazy thinking about hypothetical situations and you know, and waste
20:38
Speaker 1: away thinking about what could be. But in reality, you know,
20:42
Speaker 1: if you put that energy and that focus into thinking,
20:45
Speaker 1: all right, look at what we bring to each other's life.
20:47
Speaker 1: Look like, look at the fun times we have, look
20:49
Speaker 1: at the banter that we have, look at the connection
20:51
Speaker 1: and this and that, and he's so trustworthy and why
20:53
Speaker 1: do I feel that it's trustworthy because it's shown me
20:55
Speaker 1: his character. He's shown me on this. If you'll start
20:58
Speaker 1: to like really focus on those things, that jealousy that
21:02
Speaker 1: you have actually starts fading away. The closer you feel
21:05
Speaker 1: towards him, the more appreciative you are towards the healthy
21:09
Speaker 1: relationship that you have with him, the less you're going
21:12
Speaker 1: to be fixating on these potential what ifs. And another thing,
21:15
Speaker 1: you have to keep reminding yourself. Everything you've mentioned in
21:17
Speaker 1: this podcast a hypothetical scenarios that may happen. You do
21:21
Speaker 1: not want to live your life in this hypothetical scenario
21:24
Speaker 1: that may happen. Name it to tame it. Every time
21:27
Speaker 1: you think of that, you say, I am living a
21:30
Speaker 1: hypothetical scenario right now. If I care that much, I
21:33
Speaker 1: need to raise it with him. If I'm not going
21:34
Speaker 1: to raise it with him, I need to distract and
21:36
Speaker 1: snap out of it. I need to fucking snap out
21:39
Speaker 1: of it. Because unless I'm going to say, what is
21:41
Speaker 1: your relationship like with your ex? Let's talk about it,
21:44
Speaker 1: then I need to just shut the fuck up, okay,
21:47
Speaker 1: because you will lose years of your life and you
21:51
Speaker 1: will probably unintentionally it will come across, as you know,
21:57
Speaker 1: standoffish or some animosity towards him when he's done absolutely
22:00
Speaker 1: nothing wrong and you don't want to harbor any of
22:02
Speaker 1: those feelings when he's not done anything to warrant that.
22:05
Speaker 1: So hopefully that helps. It takes practice, it takes back
22:09
Speaker 1: and forth, but you will find that it's going to
22:12
Speaker 1: get better and better. And if you can create an
22:14
Speaker 1: environment where you are very open and honest and transparent
22:18
Speaker 1: and a safe space for him, he has nothing to hide,
22:21
Speaker 1: so he will be able to communicate very openly with
22:24
Speaker 1: you about these things. It's not like, oh my god,
22:25
Speaker 1: what if they made for coffee. You'll be the first
22:27
Speaker 1: to know if that ever happens, if if he has
22:31
Speaker 1: the desire, okay, and he would, if he's trustworthy, he
22:34
Speaker 1: would do it, making sure that you're comfortable with it.
22:37
Speaker 1: You know, he's not going to do it behind your back.
22:39
Speaker 1: He's not going to tell you, oh, by the way,
22:42
Speaker 1: in an hour, I'm meeting, Like, no, he will say,
22:44
Speaker 1: you know what, I bumped into my ex she said,
22:46
Speaker 1: let's catch up for a coffee. So I thought I'd
22:49
Speaker 1: just run it past you, just letting you know, run it,
22:51
Speaker 1: you know, like that's the kind of person that if
22:52
Speaker 1: he's as trustworthy as you say that, he would be Okay.
23:03
Speaker 1: Next question, the heading is so confused, Hi, alexis I
23:13
Speaker 1: am desperate to learn how to respond and deal with
23:16
Speaker 1: a lost friendship. I see this ex friend and work
23:20
Speaker 1: colleague five days a week as she got me a
23:23
Speaker 1: job at her work. She ignores my politeness. When we
23:26
Speaker 1: are alone, she doesn't engage with me. I miss our
23:29
Speaker 1: friendship terribly and I'm in therapy trying to deal with it.
23:32
Speaker 1: I'm very scared of confrontation. I feel this because I
23:35
Speaker 1: don't value my self esteem slash. I don't feel worth enough,
23:40
Speaker 1: and I constantly apologize. How can I repair this? And
23:44
Speaker 1: will we ever be friends again? Please help me? Donna, Okay,
23:48
Speaker 1: this is very vague what you've written, because I don't
23:51
Speaker 1: understand the history of why the friendship broke down, so
23:53
Speaker 1: it's going to be very difficult to talk about repair
23:56
Speaker 1: or if you're ever going to be able to become
23:58
Speaker 1: friends again. What I am going to say, though, is
24:00
Speaker 1: repair has to be double like. It has to be
24:02
Speaker 1: from both sides. Repair cannot happen with one person not
24:06
Speaker 1: being receptive to the repair, and if the breakdown was
24:10
Speaker 1: due to both people's faults, then the repair has to
24:13
Speaker 1: come from both ends. Okay. If this person is not
24:15
Speaker 1: engaging with you, repair is impossible. Okay, impossible. It's a
24:20
Speaker 1: communication exercise that occurs when you repair. That's number one.
24:25
Speaker 1: Will we ever be friends again? I can't answer that.
24:28
Speaker 1: Only your ex friend could answer that question. You. So, look,
24:32
Speaker 1: I don't know why it broke down. You're going to
24:34
Speaker 1: therapy about this. Is it possible that the reason that
24:37
Speaker 1: it broke down was through your wrongdoing or something that
24:39
Speaker 1: you did that hurt her and has like was the
24:41
Speaker 1: final straw. She's snapped, and she's like, I'm done. I'm
24:44
Speaker 1: fucking done, because this needs a lot of introspection and
24:51
Speaker 1: really digging deep and figuring out, like why this happened
24:54
Speaker 1: in the first place. You I'm sure know why, but
24:58
Speaker 1: sometimes we need to be even more self aware because
25:01
Speaker 1: sometimes we're like, oh, yeah, I know it happened because
25:02
Speaker 1: of this, But maybe you think, wow, not only did
25:05
Speaker 1: it happen because I did this, but I did it
25:07
Speaker 1: ten times and she snapped after the tenth time, or
25:10
Speaker 1: there are all these other things that led up to it,
25:12
Speaker 1: and it looks like they overreacted at this one thing.
25:14
Speaker 1: But I'm not looking at the past of our friendship
25:16
Speaker 1: and what I did to hurt her in the past. Now,
25:18
Speaker 1: this is just one scenario I'm talking about. I'm not
25:20
Speaker 1: putting blame on you yet. I'm just saying hypothetically, So
25:23
Speaker 1: that's a possibility. You've got to go through all these
25:26
Speaker 1: scenarios and think, Okay, has you know any of this happened?
25:29
Speaker 1: Then the next thing you got to ask is during
25:31
Speaker 1: the breakdown of it all falling apart, what was the communication, Like,
25:35
Speaker 1: what was she saying to me or not saying to me?
25:37
Speaker 1: What happened when it broke down? Am I left with
25:41
Speaker 1: questions unanswered? Or did I get my questions answered? But
25:44
Speaker 1: it wasn't the answers that I wanted, And now I
25:46
Speaker 1: have demons about it because it's not the way I
25:48
Speaker 1: thought it would go down. So I'm not able to
25:51
Speaker 1: let go of this thing because you know, I feel
25:57
Speaker 1: like the fact that she's completely shut you out, she
26:00
Speaker 1: had enough, is hurt is angry, is just there's something
26:05
Speaker 1: that's happened that's made her think I've seen what I
26:07
Speaker 1: needed to say, and I don't want this friendship anymore.
26:09
Speaker 1: Whether it's just a clash of morals and personalities and
26:12
Speaker 1: no one specifically in the wrong, but she's something's happened
26:14
Speaker 1: and she's like we are too different, or whether you've
26:17
Speaker 1: hurt her intentionally or unintentionally, but she's reacting in a
26:20
Speaker 1: way that seems like she doesn't want to, like she
26:23
Speaker 1: got burnt. Okay, that's my presumption. I could be so wrong,
26:27
Speaker 1: but I feel like if she was completely in the wrong,
26:29
Speaker 1: I just don't see why if the friendship mattered to her,
26:34
Speaker 1: she would then completely brush you and ignore you altogether.
26:36
Speaker 1: I just I would find that really bizarre. Now, then
26:40
Speaker 1: you have to ask yourself. Okay, given all of this,
26:42
Speaker 1: given after I've broken it all down, maybe she has
26:45
Speaker 1: given me the explanation, but I refuse to accept it
26:47
Speaker 1: because it's not what I wanted to hear. But maybe
26:49
Speaker 1: I need to think back and think what did she
26:51
Speaker 1: really say as the explanation? Given all of that, Now,
26:56
Speaker 1: what what did I do in response? How did I
27:01
Speaker 1: initially respond? Did I ignore it? Did I not listen
27:03
Speaker 1: to the real reasons? Did I, you know, try and
27:06
Speaker 1: make myself the victim in this situation? Was I in denial? Like?
27:09
Speaker 1: How did I respond and lastly, you got to ask yourself,
27:12
Speaker 1: what have I done in the past up until now
27:15
Speaker 1: to try and repair and is it sufficient? Because if
27:19
Speaker 1: the answer is yes, it's sufficient. I've written her a letter,
27:22
Speaker 1: or I've like a text or something. I've tried to communicate.
27:25
Speaker 1: I have reached out, not face to face, because maybe
27:27
Speaker 1: she doesn't want the confrontation to face to face. Maybe
27:29
Speaker 1: she's like, I cannot talk to you to your face.
27:32
Speaker 1: But maybe if you had sent her a text or
27:34
Speaker 1: a letter, she's able to read it in her own time,
27:36
Speaker 1: in privacy, so that she can deal with the emotions
27:39
Speaker 1: that arise at the moment, not in your presence, and
27:42
Speaker 1: then she can cool off and contemplate what she's read.
27:46
Speaker 1: Then she can make a decision based on that. Have
27:47
Speaker 1: I given her that opportunity? Have I done that? Because
27:50
Speaker 1: a lot of the time you might be so so hurt,
27:51
Speaker 1: but the thought of writing a letter is like so
27:54
Speaker 1: terrifying to your self esteem. In case I reject you
27:57
Speaker 1: based on that that people don't do it. But I'm
27:59
Speaker 1: telling you very healthy to do that. So have you
28:01
Speaker 1: done that? What have you done to try and repair
28:03
Speaker 1: this thing? Have you taken ownership for any potential wrongs
28:07
Speaker 1: that you did, and have you owned where you can
28:09
Speaker 1: understand how she got hurt. Again, I'm just presuming that
28:13
Speaker 1: she's the one hurt here based on her behavior, because
28:16
Speaker 1: if it's the other way around, then I would absolutely
28:18
Speaker 1: run for the hills and not try and salvage this friendship.
28:20
Speaker 1: If someone hurt me and then behaved in that way,
28:22
Speaker 1: I'd be like not worth it, Sorry, but not fucking
28:25
Speaker 1: worth it. You can't be the villain and the victim.
28:28
Speaker 1: You just can't. So if that was the case, I
28:30
Speaker 1: would say, do not bother. That's just unhealthy for you
28:33
Speaker 1: to try and like beg for someone to have you
28:37
Speaker 1: back in their life after they've hurt you and then
28:39
Speaker 1: abandoned you. So I'm again presuming that this is the case.
28:42
Speaker 1: So ultimately it comes down to this total self awareness,
28:47
Speaker 1: really breaking apart what went down and your role in
28:50
Speaker 1: either her being hurt in the first place, but also
28:53
Speaker 1: your role in when she broke up the friendship. How
28:56
Speaker 1: did you behave and how did you respond? Have you
28:58
Speaker 1: been open enough with community to really let her know
29:01
Speaker 1: how you feel and if you acknowledge certain things and
29:03
Speaker 1: what you do acknowledge and whatever do you feel that
29:06
Speaker 1: you've given it the biggest possible chance to repair, and
29:09
Speaker 1: you've created an open enough space by letting her know
29:12
Speaker 1: where you stand and how you feel so she can
29:14
Speaker 1: come back. Because if you said, yeah, I've done all
29:16
Speaker 1: of these things, I've done all of these things, then
29:18
Speaker 1: you have your answer. She does not want the friendship back,
29:22
Speaker 1: and that hurts. But what's hurting you right now is
29:27
Speaker 1: the not knowing. You're still in this limbo of will
29:30
Speaker 1: we ever be friends again? How can I repair this?
29:32
Speaker 1: Will we will we will be? Ultimately, regardless of the answer,
29:36
Speaker 1: once you come to the conclusion, you're going to feel
29:39
Speaker 1: a whole lot better because even if the conclusion is
29:41
Speaker 1: she will never be my friend again, this cannot be repaired,
29:45
Speaker 1: then you can start to mourn and you can learn
29:48
Speaker 1: from what happened, whether it was your fault or whether
29:51
Speaker 1: it wasn't your fault. You can learn from okay next time,
29:54
Speaker 1: this is how I communicate in the future, or this
29:56
Speaker 1: is how you know. There's many things that you can
29:59
Speaker 1: learn from, so at least it's not all a waste.
30:01
Speaker 1: You learn from these life lessons. But you're not going
30:04
Speaker 1: to start to feel better unless you can fully mourn it.
30:06
Speaker 1: Or unless you know how to progress to start repairing
30:08
Speaker 1: this thing. But you need an answer and the only
30:11
Speaker 1: way to really form a real answer is to be
30:14
Speaker 1: very strong with yourself, like very like strict with yourself,
30:17
Speaker 1: and you know, say, where the fuck was I in
30:20
Speaker 1: the wrong? Where did I deal with it? Like? You know,
30:22
Speaker 1: what was my role in this? And have I actually
30:25
Speaker 1: done the right things? Have I listened to her? Have
30:27
Speaker 1: I done all of that? Okay, it's a fuck situation
30:31
Speaker 1: to be in to not have your friend again, it
30:33
Speaker 1: really really hurts, but it takes two for any relationship.
30:36
Speaker 1: And if she doesn't want to be in this relationship,
30:38
Speaker 1: there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You
30:39
Speaker 1: have to just let her be. You have to let
30:42
Speaker 1: her be, and the most you can do is, you know,
30:44
Speaker 1: send a letter expressing yourself. That's literally the most all right,
30:49
Speaker 1: final question for the day. Hi Alexis, I've been listening
30:53
Speaker 1: to your podcast for many years now, and I can't
30:55
Speaker 1: tell you how helpful it's been. Congrats on your pregnancy.
30:58
Speaker 1: So I run my business and my main client invited
31:02
Speaker 1: me to their wedding this year overseas. I remotely work
31:05
Speaker 1: with a team of all men, so we don't truly
31:08
Speaker 1: know each other, especially not in a social setting. I
31:11
Speaker 1: do tend to struggle with confidence, though it's gotten better
31:14
Speaker 1: over the years of therapy. I worry about self regulating, networking,
31:17
Speaker 1: and socializing for an extended period of time. Being around
31:20
Speaker 1: hundreds of extremely successful people, mostly men, that already know
31:24
Speaker 1: each other very well, I could easily feel that I
31:27
Speaker 1: don't want to be there, though I know that's not true.
31:29
Speaker 1: I want to enjoy this time as a vacation for
31:31
Speaker 1: myself and stay present for such an exciting event, not
31:35
Speaker 1: give off insecure vibes. Do you have any tips tricks
31:38
Speaker 1: for going solo to an international wedding slash imposter syndrome
31:41
Speaker 1: in high profile social settings. Thank you for all that
31:44
Speaker 1: you do. Okay, firstly, I mean, look, how badly do
31:55
Speaker 1: you want to be at this wedding because it just
31:56
Speaker 1: sounds like the whole experience is going to be awful
31:58
Speaker 1: for you. Do you maybe just want to a solo trip?
32:02
Speaker 1: So this is number one, and then I'll go into
32:04
Speaker 1: actually enjoying the wedding Number one. Really ask yourself, do
32:07
Speaker 1: I really want to be at this wedding? Do I
32:09
Speaker 1: just think, oh, it's a cool event, but really realistically,
32:11
Speaker 1: I'm not actually going to love it. I don't know
32:13
Speaker 1: absolutely anyone there. I know myself it's going to be
32:16
Speaker 1: not a great experience. Maybe I still go on a
32:18
Speaker 1: solo trip because it's made me realize how badly I
32:20
Speaker 1: want a solo trip, but maybe the event is not
32:22
Speaker 1: what I want to do it. So Number one, ask
32:24
Speaker 1: yourself that, because that's okay too. You don't have to
32:27
Speaker 1: go to this wedding just because you're invited. Okay, and
32:30
Speaker 1: you've been invited. You said, it's a client that's invited you,
32:35
Speaker 1: So it's not like a close friend. I would imagine
32:37
Speaker 1: that it's not the end of the world if you
32:38
Speaker 1: don't go. So that's one thing that you really need
32:40
Speaker 1: to consider, because that is okay to also not go
32:42
Speaker 1: because it's just not your vibe. And it's also a
32:46
Speaker 1: lot on you to go to a wedding alone where
32:49
Speaker 1: you don't really know anyone and your team you said,
32:51
Speaker 1: you just work remotely, you don't really know them. Okay.
32:53
Speaker 1: Now let's say you go to this wedding. The reason
32:57
Speaker 1: this person invited you to the wedding is because they
33:00
Speaker 1: know you enough on some level. Okay, I don't know
33:06
Speaker 1: how lavish. This wedding is. But most people aren't going
33:10
Speaker 1: to invite someone to their wedding if they know absolutely
33:14
Speaker 1: nothing about them, unless they're like a plus one, and
33:16
Speaker 1: they obviously are coming as a plus one. But you know, like,
33:19
Speaker 1: I'm not going to invite some absolute random who I've
33:22
Speaker 1: met like once or twice in my life just for
33:24
Speaker 1: the sake of it. Okay, So they're inviting you because
33:27
Speaker 1: they want you to be there, the person that you are.
33:32
Speaker 1: They want you to be there. That's why you've been invited,
33:36
Speaker 1: I would imagine. And so that's one thing that you
33:40
Speaker 1: have to remember when you go into a social setting.
33:42
Speaker 1: You've got to think, I didn't get invited to this
33:44
Speaker 1: thing to then pretend to be someone else and be
33:46
Speaker 1: so anxious and to really not enjoy myself. The point
33:48
Speaker 1: of me getting invited to this thing is because someone
33:50
Speaker 1: enjoys my company and they wanted me to bring myself
33:54
Speaker 1: to this event and share in this happy moment. Okay,
33:58
Speaker 1: So I unless I can really remind myself that I
34:01
Speaker 1: can be myself in this event, the whole point is
34:04
Speaker 1: defeated if I go there suffering, anxious, not enjoying myself. Now,
34:09
Speaker 1: when it comes to you know, this imposter syndrome. Do
34:12
Speaker 1: you normally feel this imposter syndrome when you're working alongside
34:15
Speaker 1: these people at work? Imposter syndrome to me really pisses
34:20
Speaker 1: me off because it wastes so many people's time and energy.
34:24
Speaker 1: It's such an unpleasant thing that people go through, and
34:29
Speaker 1: I hate that people have to go through this, whether
34:31
Speaker 1: they don't have to, but I hate that people do
34:33
Speaker 1: put themselves through this unintentionally because it erodes at you
34:38
Speaker 1: so much. Every time you think about imposter syndrome, you
34:41
Speaker 1: have to then hit it back with logical thoughts because
34:46
Speaker 1: where are you an impost? Where are you an impost?
34:50
Speaker 1: You are on a team, you work alongside these people, right,
34:53
Speaker 1: so at no point have you lied and no point
34:56
Speaker 1: are you pretending to be someone that you're not. You're
34:58
Speaker 1: doing the work that you're qualified to do, and you're
35:00
Speaker 1: carrying that work out. Well, you wouldn't be invited to
35:02
Speaker 1: your client's wedding if you're doing a shit job, that's
35:05
Speaker 1: for sure. So that's one thing. Now, a lot of
35:08
Speaker 1: people feel like an imposta next to working alongside men
35:11
Speaker 1: because of how like a lot of women because of
35:13
Speaker 1: you know, just societal upbringing. But do you know how
35:17
Speaker 1: many men are so underqualified and just get the job
35:21
Speaker 1: like so many men And the issue isn't the fact
35:24
Speaker 1: that they got the job underqualified, it's that they were
35:26
Speaker 1: like beyond confident to do it. Like, good on them.
35:28
Speaker 1: We just need to also do more of the same.
35:30
Speaker 1: It's like you just got to think, wait a minute,
35:32
Speaker 1: if I really break it down, am I just feeling
35:35
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome because there's that gender disparity? Or am I
35:38
Speaker 1: feeling imposter syndrome because I really am not competent at
35:42
Speaker 1: what I do? And the answer is probably going to
35:45
Speaker 1: be the A because there are many, many, many people
35:50
Speaker 1: that are doing what you do or in your position.
35:53
Speaker 1: Who are men who are nowhere near as competent and
35:56
Speaker 1: they don't suffer from imposter syndrome. Why Because they've got
35:59
Speaker 1: this deep sense of confidence in what they bring to
36:02
Speaker 1: the table, whether their self, whether they've got self esteem
36:05
Speaker 1: issues or not irrelevant, they think they bring enough to
36:08
Speaker 1: the table. So we need to get better at thinking
36:11
Speaker 1: as women as a cohort. We need to get better
36:13
Speaker 1: at thinking what I bring to the table is pretty
36:15
Speaker 1: fucking good, Okay, Because if you think what I bring
36:18
Speaker 1: to the table is good, then that imposter syndrome can't exist.
36:23
Speaker 1: There's that rugby player Iona. What's her name? She's from
36:28
Speaker 1: the States, Iona, Anyway, I'll come up with her name.
36:31
Speaker 1: But she got interviewed asking about imposter syndrome, and she's like,
36:35
Speaker 1: I don't experience imposter syndrome. Why would I. I've worked
36:39
Speaker 1: my ass if to get to where I am, and
36:40
Speaker 1: I'm fucking good at what I do. Where why no,
36:44
Speaker 1: I don't. So you've got to have that attitude. You've
36:46
Speaker 1: got to remind yourself of like I wouldn't be here
36:49
Speaker 1: if it wasn't for X, Y and Z. It's not
36:52
Speaker 1: a miracle that I'm here. It's not like, oh my god,
36:55
Speaker 1: other fuck. I work up one day and I'm now
36:57
Speaker 1: in a position that I never thought of. No, you
37:00
Speaker 1: know what you're doing. You're qualified for the fucking job
37:03
Speaker 1: you're It's I think it's got to with you comparing
37:04
Speaker 1: yourself against quote unquite successful. They're your peers. If they're successful,
37:09
Speaker 1: you're successful. How do you measure success? And also, when
37:14
Speaker 1: you go to a wedding or any event for that matter,
37:19
Speaker 1: The last thing I'm going to do is think where
37:20
Speaker 1: are the successful cunt so I can gravitate towards and
37:22
Speaker 1: then hang up with all these successful people. No, I'm like,
37:25
Speaker 1: where are the fun hoes around? So I can have
37:28
Speaker 1: a fun time, and I'm going to gravitate to people
37:31
Speaker 1: that are fun whatever. I'm not asking, well, what do
37:32
Speaker 1: you do for work? And are you successful? No one
37:34
Speaker 1: gives a flying fuck. Well a bunch of people do,
37:37
Speaker 1: but the people that do, they're probably not going to
37:39
Speaker 1: be that entertaining anyway. Okay, so you got to think.
37:41
Speaker 1: If I'm going to have a ball at this wedding
37:43
Speaker 1: and I'm here doing my head in based on who's sucessful,
37:47
Speaker 1: who's not successful, who's not who, you will have a
37:50
Speaker 1: bad time. Don't bother, going, do not bother. Okay, it's
37:54
Speaker 1: not about how do I be confident around successful people?
37:56
Speaker 1: Fuck success? How do I have fun? End of story?
38:00
Speaker 1: How am I gonna have fun at this event? This
38:02
Speaker 1: isn't at all it's an event. If you're going to
38:05
Speaker 1: go there to have fun, you need to go. If
38:07
Speaker 1: you're going to go there to pit yourself against other
38:09
Speaker 1: people's levels of success, you need to reframe and go
38:12
Speaker 1: on a solo trip and just do some soul searching. Okay,
38:15
Speaker 1: because you will suffer otherwise. And you got it like
38:20
Speaker 1: this imposter syndrome. If you don't nip it in the bud,
38:22
Speaker 1: it is going to eat away at you. And then
38:26
Speaker 1: years down the track, you're gonna look back and think,
38:28
Speaker 1: why why did I have these feelings? I was actually qualified,
38:32
Speaker 1: I was actually good enough, I was deserving to be there,
38:37
Speaker 1: and I was just like drowning myself in all these thoughts. Okay,
38:41
Speaker 1: so you need to give yourself more credit. Look at
38:44
Speaker 1: all the people who are not that qualified doing positions
38:47
Speaker 1: even higher than you. If they can do it, you
38:50
Speaker 1: absolutely can, all right. So think when I go think
38:53
Speaker 1: every time I go to a party, do I try
38:54
Speaker 1: and seek out the successful people or do I want
38:56
Speaker 1: to seek out the fun funny people? And then that
38:59
Speaker 1: just shows you exactly what you want to do when
39:00
Speaker 1: you rock up. Just be relaxed. You don't need to
39:04
Speaker 1: talk about work, you don't talk about shit. I'm here
39:06
Speaker 1: to find finding people. I don't even have to hang
39:08
Speaker 1: out with these my colleagues if I don't want to,
39:10
Speaker 1: I can meet new people at the wedding and actually
39:13
Speaker 1: have a good time. All right. Hopefully that helped. And
39:16
Speaker 1: if you go to the wedding. Please send a follow
39:18
Speaker 1: up email and let us know how it went. And
39:20
Speaker 1: if you go intending to go to a wedding but
39:22
Speaker 1: then think fuck this and just continue on a solo trip.
39:25
Speaker 1: Also keep me updated because I'd love to know. That
39:28
Speaker 1: is all for today's episode. Guys, Thank you so much
39:30
Speaker 1: for tuning in. Please send in your questions any questions
39:34
Speaker 1: that you have, I love to answer them on the pod.
39:36
Speaker 1: That is all for today. As always, remember be kind
39:38
Speaker 1: to yourself, becind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
39:41
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Duncan se