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Rebuilding Us: Christian Marriage Advice for Coupl... - 3 Shifts to Build a Marriage That is Not Easily Broken · LifeAudio

0:05
Speaker 1: Marriage doesn't take work. Hmm, right. That's a lie. And
0:09
Speaker 1: when I first read it on my social media app,
0:12
Speaker 1: I almost threw my phone. This was said by a
0:15
Speaker 1: very popular spiritual leader who has now decided that she
0:20
Speaker 1: wants to help other people in their marriages, though she
0:23
Speaker 1: has now been married four times. This is no judgment,
0:26
Speaker 1: but I do want to remind us that marriage absolutely
0:30
Speaker 1: takes work. If you are married, you know this is true. Now,
0:34
Speaker 1: this does not mean that your marriage should be laborious
0:36
Speaker 1: and that it should be burdensome and you should just be,
0:39
Speaker 1: you know, trudging through the mud every single day trying
0:42
Speaker 1: to make your marriage work. But it does mean that
0:44
Speaker 1: in order for you to have a sustainable, thriving marriage,
0:48
Speaker 1: it is going to take some work. Today, we're going
0:51
Speaker 1: to talk about this notion of what it means to
0:54
Speaker 1: be not easily broken. What does it mean to go
0:57
Speaker 1: through trials, to go through troubles, to even go through
1:00
Speaker 1: trauma in your marriage and not be easily shaken, to
1:04
Speaker 1: not let the trials tear you apart? That's what we're
1:07
Speaker 1: talking about today on the Rebuilding Us podcast. Hey, hey, friends.
1:10
Speaker 1: It's Dana Shea, and you're listening to the Rebuilding Us
1:13
Speaker 1: marriage podcast. Today, I want to talk to you about
1:16
Speaker 1: something that is near and dear to my heart. And
1:19
Speaker 1: it is this notion of being not easily broken. This
1:23
Speaker 1: whole theme comes from a scripture out of the book
1:26
Speaker 1: of Ecclesiastes chapter four. Sean and I have really made
1:30
Speaker 1: this our life scripture. It's our marriage scripture. We actually
1:33
Speaker 1: both have matching tattoos of this scripture on our arm,
1:37
Speaker 1: not the whole scripture, but we've got the triple braided
1:40
Speaker 1: cord that's like a band around both of our arms.
1:44
Speaker 1: And I wanna read to you the scripture and then
1:46
Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about how you can go through things
1:48
Speaker 1: in your marriage, whether it be troubles, whether it be trials,
1:52
Speaker 1: whether it be fears, maybe mistakes even, how you can
1:55
Speaker 1: still go through those things, but not allow those things
1:58
Speaker 1: to tear you completely apart. I'm going to be reading
2:01
Speaker 1: out of Ecclesiastes chapter 4, starting at verse 9. It says,
2:04
Speaker 1: Two people are better off than one, for they can
2:07
Speaker 1: help each other to succeed. If one person falls, the
2:11
Speaker 1: other person can reach out and help. But someone who
2:14
Speaker 1: falls alone is in real trouble. I want you to
2:17
Speaker 1: just imagine that. Let's just imagine this scripture. You're walking
2:19
Speaker 1: down the road all by yourself. You fall into a ditch.
2:22
Speaker 1: You're by yourself. It's going to be harder for you
2:24
Speaker 1: to get out of that ditch than if you had
2:27
Speaker 1: a partner, if you had someone that was walking alongside you.
2:30
Speaker 1: Verse 11 says, This was before HVACs and heat, okay?
2:42
Speaker 1: Verse 12 says, a person standing alone can be attacked
2:45
Speaker 1: and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer.
2:50
Speaker 1: I love that whole metaphor of two people standing back
2:54
Speaker 1: to back. When Sean and I had first gotten married,
2:56
Speaker 1: we'd only been married a few years. We were at
2:58
Speaker 1: some friends' houses or at some friends of ours. We
3:01
Speaker 1: were at their houses. And there was this older couple
3:03
Speaker 1: that was there who we really looked up to. And
3:06
Speaker 1: I remember the woman told me, she said, you know, Dana,
3:08
Speaker 1: marriage is like this. And she took her husband's elbows
3:11
Speaker 1: and her elbows and they're standing back to back. So
3:13
Speaker 1: they're like linked up, you know, elbow to elbow, back
3:15
Speaker 1: to back. And so she said, when the enemy comes
3:18
Speaker 1: and he wants to attack you, you might not be
3:20
Speaker 1: able to see it because he's approaching from behind, but
3:23
Speaker 1: your spouse can see it. And then her husband like
3:25
Speaker 1: on cue kind of like lunges out, right? Like he's
3:27
Speaker 1: like attacking the devil, right? And then she goes, and
3:29
Speaker 1: then when he's attacking the husband, then your husband can't
3:32
Speaker 1: see it because he's blinded to it, but you can
3:34
Speaker 1: see it. And then they kind of like do this
3:36
Speaker 1: like little shuffle back and forth. And she said, if
3:39
Speaker 1: you remember to do this in your marriage, you and
3:41
Speaker 1: Sean will always have a good marriage. I never forgot that.
3:45
Speaker 1: I don't know that 25 years plus ago. I never,
3:48
Speaker 1: ever forgot that. And that's what the scripture is talking
3:51
Speaker 1: about here. Two who are standing back to back can conquer.
3:55
Speaker 1: Here's the verse here. Three are even better for a
3:59
Speaker 1: triple braided cord is not easily broken. Who's the triple
4:05
Speaker 1: braided cord? Who's the third strand? Well, if you're a Christian,
4:09
Speaker 1: we know that that third strand is the Lord. That
4:13
Speaker 1: when you get married, it's you and your spouse, right?
4:15
Speaker 1: And two, it's great. Like maybe you're someone and you
4:18
Speaker 1: don't consider yourself to be a Christian. You don't have
4:20
Speaker 1: a faith in God, but you and your spouse are together.
4:23
Speaker 1: You're intertwined. It's the two of you and you are
4:26
Speaker 1: doing the best that you can. Great. But if you
4:29
Speaker 1: invite the Lord into your marriage, he becomes that third strand.
4:33
Speaker 1: If you ever had your hair braided, like normally I
4:35
Speaker 1: have my hair braided. It's not braided right now, but
4:37
Speaker 1: normally my hair is braided. And if you've ever had braids,
4:40
Speaker 1: you know that a braid is stronger than a twist.
4:43
Speaker 1: A twist is like a two strand twist. Those will
4:45
Speaker 1: unravel quickly. But if you have your hair braided, a
4:48
Speaker 1: three stranded braid, that is not going to come apart
4:53
Speaker 1: very easily. And that is what the scripture is talking about.
4:57
Speaker 1: So I want to ask you, what are you maybe
5:00
Speaker 1: dealing with in your marriage right now? And you feel
5:03
Speaker 1: like you're unraveling. You feel like you're coming apart. You
5:07
Speaker 1: feel like maybe we are just literally coming apart at
5:10
Speaker 1: the seams, and I don't know if this is going
5:12
Speaker 1: to work out. I want to give you some encouragement
5:15
Speaker 1: and some hope today that if you invite the Lord,
5:19
Speaker 1: that third strand into your marriage, I truly believe there
5:23
Speaker 1: is nothing that you cannot overcome. Hey everybody, Dana Shea here,
5:27
Speaker 1: and I want to personally invite you into the Restoration Room.
5:32
Speaker 1: The Restoration Room is my weekly newsletter, but it's so
5:36
Speaker 1: much more than a newsletter. It's an experience. It's where
5:39
Speaker 1: I get really personal, where I share with you a
5:41
Speaker 1: little bit behind the scenes, what's going on in my life,
5:44
Speaker 1: what are the revelations that I'm experiencing. But it's also
5:47
Speaker 1: a place that I give you the ability to talk
5:49
Speaker 1: back to me. Every week in the restoration room, we
5:53
Speaker 1: talk about a different facet of things that you would
5:56
Speaker 1: see in a room. We might talk about what are
5:58
Speaker 1: the things that we've swept under the rug? What are
6:01
Speaker 1: the ideas maybe that we put on the shelf that
6:04
Speaker 1: we need to take off? We talk about things like
6:06
Speaker 1: where are the keys that we need to use to
6:09
Speaker 1: unlock the love and connection in our relationships. This newsletter
6:14
Speaker 1: is unlike anything that you have ever experienced, and I
6:17
Speaker 1: want you to get your hands on it. All you
6:21
Speaker 1: have to do is simply go to danashea.com forward slash restoration.
6:26
Speaker 1: That's D-A-N-A-C-H-E dot com forward slash restoration. Come join me
6:33
Speaker 1: in the restoration room. where honest conversations make room for change.
6:39
Speaker 1: It's the whole reason that I wrote my book, Tried
6:41
Speaker 1: and True. If you already have this book, you already
6:44
Speaker 1: know the stories that are discussed in this book are
6:48
Speaker 1: about people just like you and me. They weren't perfect people.
6:50
Speaker 1: They were not saints at all, but they were people
6:53
Speaker 1: who invited the third strand into their relationships. Not all
6:57
Speaker 1: of them. Some of them were still on the struggle
6:59
Speaker 1: bus their entire story, But the ones who survived, the
7:02
Speaker 1: ones who had good flourishing marriages, invited the Lord in
7:06
Speaker 1: to their marriages. And I want to read to you
7:08
Speaker 1: one of the latest reviews actually from Tried and True.
7:11
Speaker 1: Whenever I give these reviews on Amazon, first of all,
7:13
Speaker 1: it's not just flattery, you all. So if you've ever
7:15
Speaker 1: heard me say, write a review on the podcast or
7:18
Speaker 1: write a review for the book if you've gotten it,
7:20
Speaker 1: I'm not asking you to do that to flatter me.
7:23
Speaker 1: I'm asking you to do that because before most of
7:25
Speaker 1: us buy any products, what do we do? We read
7:28
Speaker 1: the reviews. I just bought a slew of stuff from Amazon.
7:32
Speaker 1: We're doing a couple of different construction projects in our
7:34
Speaker 1: house right now. And I just bought all of these things, right?
7:37
Speaker 1: Was the first thing that I did was I looked
7:39
Speaker 1: at the reviews and those reviews helped me to decide
7:41
Speaker 1: if I wanted to purchase that product or not. There
7:44
Speaker 1: have been people that have been introduced to the truths
7:46
Speaker 1: of God's words simply because somebody chose to write a review.
7:50
Speaker 1: So if you have already gotten the book tried and
7:52
Speaker 1: true and you love it and you know that it's
7:54
Speaker 1: helped you in your marriage, please take the two minutes
7:57
Speaker 1: or less that it will take you. Go to amazon.com
8:00
Speaker 1: and write a review. Okay, so this is one of
8:03
Speaker 1: the latest reviews. It says, An Encouraging and Honest Exploration
8:06
Speaker 1: of Biblical Marriage. This is written by a person with
8:09
Speaker 1: the initials RO. Tried and true was such a joy
8:13
Speaker 1: to read, and each chapter had thought-provoking truths to meditate on.
8:17
Speaker 1: Dana Shea's writing style is approachable and relatable, yet deeply
8:20
Speaker 1: meaningful and biblically based. I enjoyed looking at each biblical
8:24
Speaker 1: couple through a fresh lens. She often offered a perspective
8:28
Speaker 1: I hadn't considered before. I found the opportunities for reflection
8:32
Speaker 1: to be helpful and challenging. This book is an incredible
8:36
Speaker 1: guide for anyone looking to strengthen their marriage while remaining
8:39
Speaker 1: grounded in Christ. The reason that I wanted to read
8:42
Speaker 1: that review is because, again, when I wrote this book,
8:45
Speaker 1: it wasn't just to give you some great stories, even
8:48
Speaker 1: though there's some amazing stories in this book. but it
8:50
Speaker 1: was really to help couples to understand the value of
8:54
Speaker 1: spiritual intimacy. I don't know about you, but there have
8:58
Speaker 1: been things that I've experienced in my marriage that I
9:01
Speaker 1: know I would not have been able to get through
9:04
Speaker 1: them if I did not have a firm foundation in
9:07
Speaker 1: my faith. There were things that tried my confidence. There
9:11
Speaker 1: were things that really made me question my own self-worth.
9:15
Speaker 1: There were things that made me think I was crazy.
9:18
Speaker 1: There were things happening where I felt like, was this
9:21
Speaker 1: the biggest mistake of my life? And if I was
9:23
Speaker 1: not grounded, if I was not rooted in something that
9:26
Speaker 1: was more stronger than me and even the love that
9:32
Speaker 1: I had for my husband, I would not have made it.
9:36
Speaker 1: There are a lot of people who do not understand
9:38
Speaker 1: the value of having a firm foundation. And when I
9:42
Speaker 1: say firm foundation, we can like religiousize that, we can
9:46
Speaker 1: Christianize it, right? Like what does it mean to have
9:48
Speaker 1: a firm foundation? Does it mean that you had to
9:49
Speaker 1: grow up in the church? No, lots of people didn't
9:52
Speaker 1: grow up in the church. And as a matter of fact,
9:53
Speaker 1: just because you grew up in the church doesn't mean
9:55
Speaker 1: that you have a firm foundation. What I'm saying is
9:59
Speaker 1: to have a firm foundation in the Lord means that
10:02
Speaker 1: no matter what happens in your life, you have built
10:05
Speaker 1: your life on his promises and his principles. You know him,
10:10
Speaker 1: you have experienced him. He's not just a head knowledge,
10:13
Speaker 1: but he has become ingrained in your very soul. Your
10:18
Speaker 1: life is built on him. And I'm going to tell
10:21
Speaker 1: you something, friend, when you get to that place where
10:23
Speaker 1: your life is built on him, when the storms of
10:26
Speaker 1: life come, like Jesus tells that parable about the foolish
10:29
Speaker 1: man who built his house on the sand and the
10:30
Speaker 1: wise man who built his house on the rock, when
10:33
Speaker 1: the storms of life come, you will not be shaken.
10:35
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you won't be bothered. It doesn't
10:37
Speaker 1: mean that you won't experience the storms. You're going to
10:39
Speaker 1: feel the wind blowing against your house. You're going to
10:42
Speaker 1: feel the rains coming down against you. So you're not
10:44
Speaker 1: like inoculated from troubles, but you will not be shaken.
10:48
Speaker 1: You will not be destroyed. And that's the promise that
10:51
Speaker 1: we have when we build our life on Christ. So
10:55
Speaker 1: we're going to take a quick break for a word
10:57
Speaker 1: from our sponsor. I want you to take this time
10:59
Speaker 1: right now. If you love this podcast, if you listen
11:02
Speaker 1: weekly and you have never written a review, I want
11:05
Speaker 1: you to go to Apple Podcasts or Spotify and write
11:08
Speaker 1: a few sentences about what this podcast means to you.
11:11
Speaker 1: Your review might help someone who's going through a situation
11:15
Speaker 1: in their marriage to find the hope and the encouragement
11:18
Speaker 1: that they need. So we're gonna take a quick break.
11:20
Speaker 1: Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. All right, friends,
11:28
Speaker 1: we're back. So before the break, we were talking about
11:30
Speaker 1: what it meant to build your marriage, your life on
11:33
Speaker 1: a firm foundation. I'm gonna give you some practical tools
11:36
Speaker 1: of how to be a couple that is not easily broken. Now,
11:41
Speaker 1: spoiler alert, there is a Netflix movie. I think it's
11:44
Speaker 1: a Tyler Perry movie called Not Easily Broken. I've not
11:47
Speaker 1: seen it. I don't watch a lot of TV, to
11:50
Speaker 1: be honest, or a lot of movies, but the title,
11:53
Speaker 1: of course, got my attention because, like I said, this
11:56
Speaker 1: is my life first. But I want to give you
11:57
Speaker 1: some practical tips because some of you are going through
12:00
Speaker 1: active problems in your marriage right now. Maybe you're listening
12:03
Speaker 1: to this thinking, I don't want to be married anymore.
12:05
Speaker 1: I did not sign up for this. This has been
12:07
Speaker 1: going on too long. I have been dealing with the
12:10
Speaker 1: same issue over and over again, and I am tired.
12:14
Speaker 1: You are the person that I want to speak to today. Now,
12:17
Speaker 1: if you know me, you know that I'm pro-marriage. Sean
12:20
Speaker 1: and I have an amazing restoration story. I believe that
12:22
Speaker 1: God can restore anything. That does not mean that he
12:26
Speaker 1: restores everything. Let me say that again. I believe that
12:30
Speaker 1: God can restore anything. It does not mean that he
12:33
Speaker 1: restores everything. That's a hard truth for many of us,
12:37
Speaker 1: those of us who are eternal optimists, right? Like myself.
12:41
Speaker 1: And I'll tell you that as a marriage coach, sometimes
12:43
Speaker 1: I will listen to a couple and I'm seeing the
12:45
Speaker 1: things that they're going through. I'm not going to give
12:47
Speaker 1: anyone false hope. I'm not going to tell you, just
12:50
Speaker 1: keep on hoping, just keep on believing. If you are
12:52
Speaker 1: with a spouse who is unrepentant, if you are with
12:55
Speaker 1: a spouse who does not acknowledge that there's a problem,
12:58
Speaker 1: if you're with a spouse who doesn't feel that it's
13:00
Speaker 1: their responsibility to work on the marriage, that marriage is
13:03
Speaker 1: going to be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to restore.
13:07
Speaker 1: Not because God is not able, but because the spouse
13:09
Speaker 1: is not able. Okay, so we're not going to blame
13:11
Speaker 1: God for why these marriages aren't working. God gives us
13:15
Speaker 1: human beings a responsibility. He tells us to do our
13:18
Speaker 1: part too, right? But for those of you who are
13:21
Speaker 1: in marriages and you are trying, both of you are trying,
13:23
Speaker 1: you're not perfect. You're not getting it right all the time.
13:26
Speaker 1: Maybe you try more in one season than your spouse tries,
13:29
Speaker 1: but you're actively trying to have a good marriage. I
13:31
Speaker 1: want to encourage you today, even if you've been dealing
13:34
Speaker 1: with something for a long time, that your marriage can
13:37
Speaker 1: be so solid and so secure, right? that it will
13:40
Speaker 1: not be easily shaken. It will not be easily broken. Now, again,
13:43
Speaker 1: not easily broken doesn't mean that it won't ever be broken.
13:46
Speaker 1: It just means that it's not going to just fall
13:48
Speaker 1: apart like that. Again, that double-stranded twist because you have
13:51
Speaker 1: the Lord. And one of the things that I know
13:53
Speaker 1: for sure, for sure, is that if the Lord was
13:56
Speaker 1: not in my story, there's no way that Sean and
13:59
Speaker 1: I would still be married. Absolutely no way. And I
14:02
Speaker 1: say that with all the confidence in the world. Not
14:04
Speaker 1: because he's a bad person, not because I'm a bad person,
14:06
Speaker 1: but because we do not have the strength on our
14:09
Speaker 1: own to make our marriage work. There's just no way,
14:12
Speaker 1: especially with all the stuff that we've been through. There's
14:14
Speaker 1: no way that we'd still be married. So I know
14:17
Speaker 1: for sure that when I decided to give up my
14:20
Speaker 1: side of the rope and Sean let go of his
14:22
Speaker 1: side of the rope, there was someone who was holding
14:24
Speaker 1: us together and it was the Lord. There was someone
14:28
Speaker 1: who was saying, you don't have the strength right now, Dana.
14:30
Speaker 1: And I understand. Sean, you don't even have the want
14:33
Speaker 1: to right now. And I understand. But I'm going to
14:35
Speaker 1: hold you all together because when we got married and
14:38
Speaker 1: we entered into this covenant, we did not enter into
14:40
Speaker 1: this covenant alone. We sat at an altar and we
14:43
Speaker 1: vowed before God that we, me and Sean, were going
14:48
Speaker 1: to build our lives on the Lord. We were both
14:51
Speaker 1: believers when we got married. And so that means that
14:55
Speaker 1: if you're a Christian, you don't just make a decision
14:58
Speaker 1: to just leave your marriage because you're in a covenant
15:00
Speaker 1: with your spouse and with the Lord. You got to
15:03
Speaker 1: check in and see, Lord, what do you think about this? God,
15:05
Speaker 1: I've been dealing with this situation for five years, 10 years.
15:09
Speaker 1: I've been dealing with the situation for two and a
15:10
Speaker 1: half years, however long it's been. And I don't see
15:13
Speaker 1: any movement. Is this the time that we need to
15:16
Speaker 1: break the covenant? But don't rush into a disillusion of
15:20
Speaker 1: your marriage without consulting with the third strand who's holding
15:24
Speaker 1: it together. That's what I'm saying. So what does this
15:26
Speaker 1: look like on the practical side? Again, when I wrote
15:29
Speaker 1: the book, I really wanted to give people some handlebars
15:33
Speaker 1: of how to build spiritual intimacy. I've got a couple
15:36
Speaker 1: other podcast episodes where I talk about the value of
15:38
Speaker 1: spiritual intimacy. I'll link to those in the show notes
15:41
Speaker 1: of this podcast. But for some couples, it's really hard
15:45
Speaker 1: to pursue spiritual intimacy because most couples are not on
15:50
Speaker 1: the exact same pace in their spiritual lives. You might
15:54
Speaker 1: have one spouse who they're like going for it. You
15:57
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like they're just, they are like,
15:59
Speaker 1: they have their quiet time. They're fasting, they're praying, they're
16:02
Speaker 1: reading their Bible. Like they are on their way, right?
16:06
Speaker 1: And then you might have another spouse who's like back
16:07
Speaker 1: here lagging behind. They might go to church, you know,
16:10
Speaker 1: They don't really read their Bible that much. They might
16:12
Speaker 1: pray when something goes wrong. And so these two people
16:14
Speaker 1: are married to each other. And so it's really hard
16:17
Speaker 1: for them to have spiritual intimacy because this person always
16:20
Speaker 1: feels like this other person is kind of lagging behind.
16:23
Speaker 1: And then this other person right here feels like this
16:26
Speaker 1: person is judging them all the time. This is a
16:27
Speaker 1: very common dynamic. I see it all the time in
16:29
Speaker 1: marriage coaching. How do you build spiritual intimacy with someone
16:33
Speaker 1: that you are not on the same page with? Well,
16:36
Speaker 1: you've got to meet them where they are. And Just
16:38
Speaker 1: like if you are a senior in high school and
16:42
Speaker 1: you've got to play, you know, let's say you've got
16:44
Speaker 1: to babysit your seven-year-old brother or sister, right? You got
16:47
Speaker 1: to play with them. Well, you can't expect them to
16:49
Speaker 1: know what you know if you're 17. You got to
16:51
Speaker 1: come down to their level. And this is why, and
16:54
Speaker 1: it's not right sometimes. Like, I get it. And especially
16:57
Speaker 1: if you're a wife, right? And you're like, I'm doing
17:00
Speaker 1: what I'm supposed to do in the Lord. My husband
17:02
Speaker 1: is over here being spiritually lazy. Like, how do I
17:04
Speaker 1: help this man? It's hard sometimes. But we've got to
17:08
Speaker 1: learn to come to their level, not bring yourself down,
17:11
Speaker 1: like not dumb yourself down, not pretend like you don't know,
17:14
Speaker 1: not even lean on him to lead you. Because real talk,
17:17
Speaker 1: if you're in the second grade spiritually, you cannot lead
17:20
Speaker 1: somebody who's a senior in high school spiritually. You just cannot.
17:22
Speaker 1: I don't care what gender you are. Okay. So if
17:26
Speaker 1: you are lopsided spiritually, the person though who is higher,
17:30
Speaker 1: the person who knows more, who has a stronger relationship
17:33
Speaker 1: with the Lord has to be willing to meet this
17:35
Speaker 1: person where they are. That means that maybe you leave
17:38
Speaker 1: your theology books for your own study. Maybe you leave
17:42
Speaker 1: your 14-day fast for your own experience and you come
17:46
Speaker 1: and you say, hey, can we maybe fast lunch together?
17:49
Speaker 1: Can we pray together? And you don't make that prayer
17:52
Speaker 1: time a two and a half hour prayer session because
17:55
Speaker 1: you do that on your own. Maybe here you make
17:57
Speaker 1: it a two and a half minute prayer session because
18:00
Speaker 1: you're going to meet them where they are. And as
18:02
Speaker 1: you meet them where they are, they're going to slowly
18:04
Speaker 1: start to grow Not to where you are, that's not
18:08
Speaker 1: the goal, but they're gonna start to grow in their
18:10
Speaker 1: own faith and their own experience with God. I think
18:13
Speaker 1: that's one of the most loving things that we can
18:15
Speaker 1: do as spouses, especially if you're the more spiritually mature spouse,
18:20
Speaker 1: is to be willing to meet your spouse where they are.
18:22
Speaker 1: And again, this does not mean that you diminish who
18:25
Speaker 1: you are. Don't stop doing the things that you know
18:28
Speaker 1: that you need to do, but will you be willing
18:31
Speaker 1: to come and meet your spouse where they are? Okay,
18:32
Speaker 1: so that's the first practical step, being willing. The second thing,
18:35
Speaker 1: how do you become not easily broken? How do you
18:37
Speaker 1: build that real spiritual intimacy? Pray for your spouse more
18:41
Speaker 1: than you complain about your spouse. Let me tell y'all something.
18:45
Speaker 1: It is so easy for me to find things wrong.
18:48
Speaker 1: I have a critical eye. I don't have a critical spirit,
18:50
Speaker 1: but I have a critical eye. I would have been
18:52
Speaker 1: a great editor in another life. I see mistakes. I
18:55
Speaker 1: don't even have to try. I can be anywhere. I
18:58
Speaker 1: can be reading a book. I will find all those typos.
19:02
Speaker 1: Like I can go into my kids' rooms. I've shared
19:04
Speaker 1: this story before on the podcast. I can go in
19:05
Speaker 1: my kids' rooms and be like, wah! You know, cause
19:08
Speaker 1: I just see all the chaos, right? That's all around.
19:11
Speaker 1: It is easy for me to find something wrong. And
19:14
Speaker 1: I have to train myself to not look for the
19:17
Speaker 1: thing that is wrong, but to look for the things
19:18
Speaker 1: that are right. With your spouse, it is easy for
19:23
Speaker 1: you to see all the things that they're not doing right.
19:26
Speaker 1: And this is why I opened up the episode. And
19:28
Speaker 1: I said, when that woman said that marriage doesn't take work, Sis,
19:32
Speaker 1: it absolutely takes work. This is the work right here.
19:34
Speaker 1: It's choosing to not be critical and not to complain,
19:39
Speaker 1: but choosing to pray for your spouse instead. My old
19:42
Speaker 1: pastor used to say, you cannot hate someone that you're
19:46
Speaker 1: praying for. And I know most of us wouldn't say
19:48
Speaker 1: that we hate our spouses. but you can't even dislike
19:52
Speaker 1: someone that you're praying for. Try it. Literally think about
19:56
Speaker 1: the person that you just do not like. If it's
19:58
Speaker 1: your spouse, think about them. If it's somebody else, think
20:00
Speaker 1: about them. Start praying for that person. And I'm going
20:03
Speaker 1: to tell you your attitudes for that person is going
20:06
Speaker 1: to change. It's just going to happen. So pray for
20:10
Speaker 1: your spouse more than you complain. And even if you
20:13
Speaker 1: have to complain to God, I do this all the time.
20:15
Speaker 1: I'm like, Lord, look at that side of the room.
20:19
Speaker 1: I have asked this man so many times if he
20:21
Speaker 1: can clean up his side of the room. Lord, thank
20:23
Speaker 1: you so much that Sean's such a great provider. Like literally,
20:25
Speaker 1: that's how my prayer life goes. It'll start out in
20:29
Speaker 1: a complaint and then the Lord will be like, you
20:31
Speaker 1: have a good husband. You need to be grateful for
20:34
Speaker 1: your husband. And then I'm just like, Lord, and I
20:35
Speaker 1: thank you for this. And oh my God, thank you
20:37
Speaker 1: for that, right? That's usually how it goes. So if
20:40
Speaker 1: you decide I'm gonna pray for my spouse more than
20:42
Speaker 1: I complain about them, that is going to build your
20:45
Speaker 1: spiritual intimacy, which is going to help your marriage to
20:48
Speaker 1: not be easily broken. And then the third and final
20:52
Speaker 1: thing that I'll say, and of course there's a list,
20:53
Speaker 1: like there I could give you 15 things, right? Of
20:56
Speaker 1: things to do. But just for the sake of this podcast,
20:58
Speaker 1: I'll say the third thing is when you see trouble,
21:01
Speaker 1: reframe it. Understand this. I was talking with a girl
21:05
Speaker 1: earlier today and I said, because you have decided To
21:10
Speaker 1: give your life to Christ. You have decided to live
21:13
Speaker 1: your life in service to him. That means you are
21:16
Speaker 1: plundering the kingdom of darkness. Do you not think that
21:19
Speaker 1: the enemy is not going to fight back? Do you
21:22
Speaker 1: think that he's going to be like, oh, darn it.
21:24
Speaker 1: She's trying to encourage people and she's trying to take
21:28
Speaker 1: people away from the kingdom of darkness and bring them
21:30
Speaker 1: into the kingdom of light. Darn it. No, he's going
21:33
Speaker 1: to fight back. He's gonna attack. He's gonna attack your mind,
21:36
Speaker 1: your money, your family, your dreams, your everything, right? You
21:40
Speaker 1: gotta be prepared for that. And so sometimes you all,
21:43
Speaker 1: the problems that we experience in marriage, not all of them,
21:47
Speaker 1: but many of them are simply spiritual responses from the
21:52
Speaker 1: kingdom of darkness. Now, if you don't believe in spiritual warfare,
21:55
Speaker 1: that just went way over your head. You're like, what
21:58
Speaker 1: is she talking about? I don't know if you believe
22:01
Speaker 1: this or not, but there is a devil who does
22:04
Speaker 1: not like you because you are a child of God.
22:07
Speaker 1: That's spiritual warfare 101. Okay. Understand that in your marriage,
22:13
Speaker 1: there are going to be things that you deal with
22:15
Speaker 1: that you have to learn how to reframe. Every attitude
22:19
Speaker 1: does not need your response. Every elevation of a tone
22:23
Speaker 1: of voice does not warrant your response. Every Forgetfulness, you know,
22:30
Speaker 1: every time your spouse might forget something that you asked
22:33
Speaker 1: them to do, or they maybe forget your birthday. I mean,
22:36
Speaker 1: that's kind of big, but you know, you have to
22:38
Speaker 1: learn how to reframe those things. Now, I'm not saying
22:41
Speaker 1: just sweep everything under the rug and just pretend like
22:43
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong. No, you've got to learn how to
22:45
Speaker 1: address situations that need to be addressed, but discernment is key.
22:49
Speaker 1: If you address everything, you're going to be miserable all
22:53
Speaker 1: the time. If you don't address anything, then you're going
22:56
Speaker 1: to be passive and potentially probably passive aggressive. So this
23:01
Speaker 1: takes wisdom, which is why we got to do number two.
23:04
Speaker 1: Like what I said, the second thing is to pray
23:06
Speaker 1: for your spouse more than you complain. Because in those complaints,
23:09
Speaker 1: when you begin to complain to the Lord, right, prayer,
23:12
Speaker 1: and you begin to say, God, please help me, help me.
23:15
Speaker 1: to respond to this in a way that is wise,
23:18
Speaker 1: in a way that is good, in a way that
23:20
Speaker 1: is like you, then the Lord will give you the
23:22
Speaker 1: wisdom to say, actually, you need to confront that or
23:25
Speaker 1: actually do not confront that. I'm working on that. I've
23:29
Speaker 1: got that handled. This is why I cannot imagine being
23:34
Speaker 1: married without the Lord. I know some of you do
23:36
Speaker 1: it and maybe you have a great marriage and you
23:39
Speaker 1: don't have him in your life. God bless. I cannot
23:42
Speaker 1: do it on my own. And so there are things
23:47
Speaker 1: that we go through in our marriages. When I say
23:49
Speaker 1: reframe them, again, I don't mean that if you are
23:53
Speaker 1: in an abusive marriage, that you're reframing that as somehow
23:56
Speaker 1: God teaching you something. No, that's not what I'm saying.
24:00
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that potentially, let's say your spouse
24:02
Speaker 1: has just a bad attitude and you're so focused on
24:05
Speaker 1: the bad attitude. Could it be that your spouse is
24:08
Speaker 1: dealing with the root of rejection in their life? Could
24:11
Speaker 1: you ask the Lord to help to show you, is
24:13
Speaker 1: that the problem? Now that's not your responsibility to fix.
24:17
Speaker 1: That's their responsibility, but at least you can have insight
24:19
Speaker 1: and understanding. And then you can be that second person
24:23
Speaker 1: that's holding them up, right? Because they're bent down or
24:26
Speaker 1: they're having this issue that they can't figure out how
24:28
Speaker 1: to fight on their own. And so you can come
24:30
Speaker 1: alongside and help them. I think if we focus on
24:35
Speaker 1: being partners, and that's why a lot of times, of course,
24:38
Speaker 1: I call y'all spouses, but remember that you're also a partner.
24:41
Speaker 1: I know that word partner kind of like, you know,
24:44
Speaker 1: Some of the Christian folks are like, oh, I don't
24:45
Speaker 1: know about that. You know, that feels a little worldly.
24:48
Speaker 1: But listen, you're a partner. This is your partner in life.
24:52
Speaker 1: And so there are times that your partner is going
24:55
Speaker 1: to need you to be strong when they can't be strong.
24:59
Speaker 1: And there are times that you're going to need your
25:00
Speaker 1: partner to be strong when you can't be strong. And
25:03
Speaker 1: when marriages operate with partnership, I think that's the best
25:08
Speaker 1: marriages ever. Those are the best marriages is when you
25:10
Speaker 1: can have a partner. And when you can say, okay,
25:13
Speaker 1: partner together, we are now going to come under the
25:17
Speaker 1: spiritual direction and leadership of the Lord. We are going
25:20
Speaker 1: to intertwine him in our whole marriage. He becomes the
25:23
Speaker 1: third strand. And then your marriage can be not easily broken.
25:29
Speaker 1: So my prayer for you today is that you learn
25:33
Speaker 1: what it is to involve the Lord in your marriage.
25:36
Speaker 1: I'm talking real practical things. It obviously starts with prayer.
25:40
Speaker 1: You can do things like having a devotional together. I've
25:42
Speaker 1: got a free companion devotional that goes with Tried and True.
25:46
Speaker 1: You can find that at danashay.com forward slash tried and true,
25:49
Speaker 1: but doesn't have to be my devotional. Go find another devotional,
25:51
Speaker 1: find something, read the gospels together, a chapter, a day,
25:56
Speaker 1: and talk about the story. You could talk about what
25:59
Speaker 1: is it that you heard the Lord speak to you today?
26:01
Speaker 1: It doesn't necessarily have to even be a scripture, but
26:03
Speaker 1: did you hear the Lord say something to you today
26:05
Speaker 1: that you want to share with your spouse? We have
26:07
Speaker 1: got to be really intentional, though, about building our spiritual
26:11
Speaker 1: intimacy so that when the enemy comes and he is
26:14
Speaker 1: coming and when the storms of life come and they
26:17
Speaker 1: are coming and when the pressures of life come and
26:20
Speaker 1: they are coming and when outside people try to destroy
26:22
Speaker 1: your marriage, which they will, you can say we are
26:26
Speaker 1: not easily broken. So that's my encouragement to you today.
26:31
Speaker 1: I would love it if, again, you would pick up
26:32
Speaker 1: this book, Tried and True. It's available everywhere books are sold.
26:35
Speaker 1: You can also find it on my website at danashay.com.
26:39
Speaker 1: And I would also love for you to write a review.
26:42
Speaker 1: If you've already gotten the book, if you've already read
26:44
Speaker 1: it or you're reading it now, head over to amazon.com
26:47
Speaker 1: and write a short review. Thank you so much for
26:49
Speaker 1: listening today. I pray that your marriage becomes not easily broken.
26:56
Speaker 1: I'll see you on the next episode. Take care.