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How to Give Your Teen a Voice Without Letting Him Run the House · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:34
  Speaker: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:36
  Speaker: last episode, we talked about what to do when your teen says later, and I shared the simple question from one of my recent TikToks What time later?" And that's a simple question that you can ask your teen, and that question created a lot of conversation because some parents heard that and thought, That's great.
• 1:00
  Speaker: I'm going to try that." And other parents heard it and thought,"Nope, that sounds like giving my teen too much power." So today, I want to go one level deeper, and if you didn't start with last week's podcast, that's okay.
• 1:18
  Speaker: Go listen to it.
• 1:19
  Speaker: That will lay the foundation for today, and that will help make it so that we can go a little bit deeper.
• 1:26
  Speaker: Because the real issue is not just chores It's not that your teen is saying later either, and it's not just whether the trash gets taken out before or after dinner.
• 1:39
  Speaker: The real issue is this: a lot of parents don't know how to give their teen a voice without feeling like they're giving up control.
• 1:49
  Speaker: So they either dictate everything, which creates resistance and a lot of pushback from your teen, or they give too much freedom to their teen, which if you've tried that before, you know it creates chaos.
• 2:05
  Speaker: And I promise you, there's a better way.
• 2:08
  Speaker: Your teen can have a voice without having the final say.
• 2:13
  Speaker: Your teen can help create the plan without getting to run the entire house.
• 2:20
  Speaker: Your teen can negotiate without being disrespectful.
• 2:25
  Speaker: And you can listen to your teen, you can give them a voice without becoming weak.
• 2:31
  Speaker: Today, I'm going to walk you through some of my favorite questions and phrases to use when you want your teen to take more ownership.
• 2:42
  Speaker: These are simple.
• 2:44
  Speaker: They work with chores, they work with screens, with curfew, they work with homework, with your teen's attitude, and they work because they stop putting you in the role of full-time manager of your teen's life, their behavior, whether or not they do their chores, and they start putting that responsibility back where it belongs, with your teen.
• 3:11
  Speaker: we're going to talk about why giving your teen a voice builds buy-in.
• 3:17
  Speaker: And the goal, like I wanna teach you why voice matters, and I wanna do this before just giving you scripts because you can have all the scripts in the world, you can have the best questions, the best phrases, but if you don't understand why it's so important, you're not likely to actually use these.
• 3:39
  Speaker: we gotta understand why.
• 3:41
  Speaker: And the truth is, when it comes to your teen, your teen is more likely to own whatever agreement, whatever boundary, whatever chore you give them if they have helped create that Buy-in doesn't just come from being forced to do something.
• 4:00
  Speaker: It comes from being a part of that process.
• 4:04
  Speaker: And when your teen has no voice, they often give you more pushback instead of taking more ownership.
• 4:13
  Speaker: You can force short-term obedience, but you can't force your teen into long-term maturity.
• 4:23
  Speaker: And when your teen has no voice They often carry more resentment towards you for not giving them that voice.
• 4:31
  Speaker: So keep in mind, giving your teen a voice, letting them have a say in when chores are done, what is fair to expect, what are some fair consequence, that builds buy-in.
• 4:44
  Speaker: Giving your teen a choice builds buy-in, and then buy-in builds ownership with your teen.
• 4:52
  Speaker: let me give you an example.
• 4:53
  Speaker: A lot of parents fall into this trap.
• 4:55
  Speaker: I like to call it parenting from the outside in.
• 4:59
  Speaker: The parent might say something like,"Look, you will do your chores by 5:00 because I said so.
• 5:06
  Speaker: I'm the parent." Parenting from the inside out and really showing up as a leader in your parenting says this,"These chores need to be done before dinner.
• 5:15
  Speaker: What's your plan?" And you're just showing up as a leader.
• 5:19
  Speaker: You are empowering your teenager.
• 5:23
  Speaker: The expectation is still there, but your teen gets to practice ownership.
• 5:29
  Speaker: And the important thing is, you're the parent.
• 5:32
  Speaker: You have to hold the line.
• 5:34
  Speaker: You've got to maintain the boundary, be in charge, be the leader.
• 5:40
  Speaker: It's going to help you have a backbone, show up in your role as a parent without letting your teen walk all over you while giving your teen a voice.
• 5:50
  Speaker: And the only way this works is when you know your role as a parent.
• 5:56
  Speaker: you don't wanna ask questions that you're not willing to hear the answer to.
• 6:01
  Speaker: One example of this, if you can't make Disneyland work, you don't wanna ask what do you guys think we should do?
• 6:08
  Speaker: Go to Disneyland or go to the local zoo?" You don't wanna put yourself in a position where you're giving teens a say in something that you don't want them to have a say in.
• 6:19
  Speaker: You also don't want to pretend that something is up for discussion when it's not.
• 6:25
  Speaker: It's possible for your teen to have a voice and to still fit inside the boundary that you want to set And the clearer you are, the safer it is to give your teen input and to give them the opportunity to give your- you input.
• 6:45
  Speaker: You're not giving them the whole house.
• 6:48
  Speaker: You're not like,"Okay, you're in charge." You're giving them a specific realm.
• 6:54
  Speaker: Like,"Look, this is where you have authority.
• 6:57
  Speaker: This is where you can practice responsibility." You're not giving them the whole road, you're giving them one specific lane.
• 7:05
  Speaker: So let me give you a bad example.
• 7:08
  Speaker: You might ask your teen like, what time do you want to be home?" And your teen might say, 2:00 AM." To which you might respond,"Are you kidding?
• 7:16
  Speaker: That's ridiculous." Here's a better version.
• 7:19
  Speaker: you can give it boundaries already.
• 7:21
  Speaker: "Hey, I'm comfortable with somewhere between 11:00 and midnight.
• 7:26
  Speaker: What do you think is fair?
• 7:28
  Speaker: And why do you think that's fair?" Now, as a parent, you have a boundary.
• 7:33
  Speaker: You have a line drawn in the sand.
• 7:35
  Speaker: This is what I'm willing to do, and th- your teenager now has a voice.
• 7:40
  Speaker: What do you think is fair?
• 7:42
  Speaker: If everything is wide open, your teen is gonna push too far.
• 7:48
  Speaker: You've heard the saying, give an inch and they'll take a mile." But the problem is, if nothing is open, then there's no options, your teen might stop trying.
• 7:58
  Speaker: They might stop trying to be responsible.
• 8:00
  Speaker: The skill is learning what parts of this boundary are fixed and what parts are flexible, and we can start having discussions there.
• 8:11
  Speaker: one of the best questions in getting some conversation with your teenager, especially when it's around something that is important to them, like curfew or being able to watch TV tonight or have screen time, start with this question: What do you think is fair?
• 8:30
  Speaker: This is a simple question that as a parent you can use for negotiation with your teen, and you can use it for curfew, gaming, chores, spending money, getting rides, hanging out with your friends, weekend plans.
• 8:47
  Speaker: And the thing is, this question,"What do you think is fair?" It makes your teen think.
• 8:53
  Speaker: It gives them a voice, and you're not promising to agree with them, you're just asking them.
• 9:00
  Speaker: You're just exploring with your teen, and if they give you a sucky answer, doesn't matter.
• 9:08
  Speaker: Don't panic.
• 9:09
  Speaker: Just help them come up with a better answer.
• 9:12
  Speaker: I say all the time to my kids,"That doesn't work for me.
• 9:16
  Speaker: Let's try it again." The point is not to get the perfect answer out of your teen.
• 9:21
  Speaker: The point is to start the conversation.
• 9:25
  Speaker: So let me give you an example.
• 9:26
  Speaker: It might be like this.
• 9:27
  Speaker: as a parent, you could say something like,"Hey, you want to go out Friday night?
• 9:32
  Speaker: What do you think is a fair curfew?" if you can show up and be like,"Hey, I know you wanna go out Friday night.
• 9:38
  Speaker: What do you think is fair when it comes to the time that you're gonna be home?" Your teen now has the opportunity to think, and in this example, they might say"Midnight." And you could be like, tell me why midnight?" And your teen might be like, because the movie ends at 11:15.
• 9:54
  Speaker: It's gonna take me some time to drop my friends off and then get home." You're just empowering them, and then you can show up and be"Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
• 10:02
  Speaker: I can do 11:45." Or if you agree with them,"Yeah, I can do 11:30.
• 10:07
  Speaker: I mean midnight." This is not weakness.
• 10:12
  Speaker: This does not mean that you're giving your teen the keys to the whole house.
• 10:16
  Speaker: This is leadership.
• 10:18
  Speaker: This is how you show up as a parent who can demonstrate by modeling the very same skills that you want your teen to be able to use.
• 10:30
  Speaker: Another question.
• 10:31
  Speaker: When me and my teen, I don't know, we don't agree that something will work, I might ask, what would help this work?" Sometimes it's as simple as better motivating my teenager.
• 10:42
  Speaker: You can use this, by the way, say you've set a boundary for the same thing over and over, and it just isn't working.
• 10:50
  Speaker: You can use this,"Hey, what do you think we need to do that would help this actually work?" You can use this when your teen avoids homework, when they don't do great at their morning routine, or they're not doing chores, or bedtime is a consistent problem, or screen time and phones, or forgotten responsibilities The important thing to remember is that you want to stop solving every problem that your teen has, and you wanna make them help solve the problem.
• 11:18
  Speaker: If your teen helps to create the plan, they have less room to blame you when things go wrong, and they have more room to take ownership.
• 11:30
  Speaker: And remember, the goal is not to lecture your teen better.
• 11:33
  Speaker: The goal is to help your teen think better, and the goal is to do that together.
• 11:40
  Speaker: here's an example.
• 11:42
  Speaker: You could say,"Hey, son, we keep fighting about homework.
• 11:46
  Speaker: What do you think would help this work out better between us?" That's powerful.
• 11:50
  Speaker: You're giving your teen a voice, and your teen might be like, I just need a break after school." To which you can be like,"Yeah, that makes sense.
• 11:58
  Speaker: How long of a break do you think would help?" An hour." Okay.
• 12:02
  Speaker: So you get home at 3:30, so is it fair to expect that homework starts at 4:30?" Your teen will be like,"Yeah, that sounds great." You can continue the conversation by saying, what happens if homework doesn't get started at 4:30?" Now, you and your teen are building a plan, and your teen has a voice in it, so they can create...
• 12:24
  Speaker: They can have more buy-in, more ownership of whether or not this plan works.
• 12:31
  Speaker: Another question that's super powerful: What do you think would be fair if you don't meet the expectation?" You can use that to curfew, grades, screen time, whatever, and this is all about co-created consequences.
• 12:50
  Speaker: Now, you're not always the bad guy.
• 12:53
  Speaker: Your teen's the bad guy.
• 12:55
  Speaker: They're the one who came up with the consequence.
• 12:57
  Speaker: Co-created consequences work better when they're clear ahead of time, and they're connected to something that you guys agreed upon.
• 13:08
  Speaker: So like maybe when it's curfew, you've said like,"Hey, what time do you think would be fair to expect you home tonight?" And your teen's like,"11:30." And you're like,"Yeah, great.
• 13:17
  Speaker: I can get on board with that.
• 13:19
  Speaker: What do you think should happen if you don't get home by 11:30?" Now you and your teen are co-creating a consequence.
• 13:29
  Speaker: You're giving your teen a voice.
• 13:30
  Speaker: They're like,"Man, if I don't get home by 11:30, how about my curfew is a half hour shorter tomorrow?" Don't wait until 11:30 to set a boundary, to have a conversation with your teen about what time you think they should be home or what time they think they should be home.
• 13:50
  Speaker: Don't wait until you're mad to just invent a consequence on the spot.
• 13:56
  Speaker: A consequence created in anger usually turns into punishment, and it'll probably leave both you and your teenager feeling upset and frustrated.
• 14:06
  Speaker: A consequence created ahead of time can be part of the agreement, and it can be very connective between you and your teen because now you're working together instead of against each other.
• 14:20
  Speaker: And the point is not to scare your teen, and the point is to make the choice clear.
• 14:26
  Speaker: "Look, you agreed on this.
• 14:28
  Speaker: You wanna be home by 11:30 because you don't wanna suffer the consequences," or,"You want to earn the privilege that comes with coming home on time." And responsibility means that your teen's choices have outcomes, and they're responsible for that.
• 14:44
  Speaker: So here's an example.
• 14:45
  Speaker: As a parent, you might be like,"Hey, look, you said you would take the trash out by seven o'clock.
• 14:51
  Speaker: What do you think should happen if it's not out by seven o'clock?" To which your teen will probably say"I don't know," And as a parent, you can say, think about it.
• 15:00
  Speaker: What works for you?" Or,"What would make sense here?" And the teen could be like, I guess if I don't get the trash out by 7:00, I can lose gaming until it's done." And as a parent, you can be like,"Yeah, that works.
• 15:14
  Speaker: So if the trash isn't out by 7:00, gaming is done until the chore is done." If your teen gives a bad answer or something that is just like no consequence at all, nothing, as a parent, you can say,"You know what?
• 15:29
  Speaker: That doesn't work for me.
• 15:30
  Speaker: Let's try that again." Or,"Hey, I'm open to your ideas, but no consequences isn't an option." One of the things I like to do, if my teens aren't willing to participate in that part of the conversation, I might say, if you leave it up to me, chances are my consequence is gonna suck." And I might just go over the top and be like,"Yeah, since you don't have any better ideas, if the trashes aren't out, by 7:00," I say,"No privileges for the rest of the night.
• 15:55
  Speaker: No video games, no screen time, no cellphone, no friend hangout." And in the moment, like say they don't take the trash out by seven o'clock, and I just take all privileges.
• 16:07
  Speaker: The Wi-Fi is off.
• 16:09
  Speaker: I turn your cellphone off.
• 16:11
  Speaker: you can't go hang out with your friends.
• 16:12
  Speaker: You can't watch TV.
• 16:15
  Speaker: Your teen might be like,"Man, Dad, this is too intense.
• 16:18
  Speaker: I don't think that's fair." And you can be like, Yeah.
• 16:21
  Speaker: I wanted to have a conversation with you, but you wouldn't before, so let's have it now.
• 16:26
  Speaker: You didn't get the trash out before 7:00.
• 16:29
  Speaker: What do you think is a fair consequence?" And your teen might be like,"Man, I haven't had any privileges for two hours now.
• 16:36
  Speaker: Like, can we just call it fair?" And at that point, I might be like,"You know what?
• 16:40
  Speaker: I, I think that's fair.
• 16:42
  Speaker: Like, I'd have been willing to be even more lenient if you could just have this discussion with me earlier." And you're just showing your teen,"Look, I'm open to your ideas as long as you'll work with me.
• 16:55
  Speaker: And if you won't, I'm just gonna do my best, and if you don't like it, we're gonna end up having this conversation anyways." And it doesn't mean that your teen, has to love the consequence.
• 17:05
  Speaker: It just means that you're discussing it ahead of time.
• 17:08
  Speaker: You're giving them input.
• 17:09
  Speaker: You're giving them an opportunity to come up with something that works not only for them but for you And this just gives them a choice.
• 17:18
  Speaker: Like they get a choice, what do I think is fair?
• 17:20
  Speaker: What are we gonna do?
• 17:21
  Speaker: What am I gonna do?
• 17:22
  Speaker: How am I gonna show up?
• 17:23
  Speaker: All right, another question.
• 17:25
  Speaker: this one is probably my all-time favorite and one that I could probably do a little bit better at asking more.
• 17:33
  Speaker: And this one is really good to build connection between you and your teen, and I really like to do this if tensions are high between me and my teen, we're both really upset.
• 17:46
  Speaker: And the question is this: what do you wish I understood?
• 17:50
  Speaker: Because if tensions are high and you and your teen are not agreeing, I guarantee you you're not understanding each other.
• 17:59
  Speaker: And one of the best ways to start building a bridge and start understanding is for you to ask, what do you wish I understood?" And your teen can answer and start showing you where you're not seeing things the way they are.
• 18:13
  Speaker: And sometimes your teen just needs to feel heard before they can take more responsibility.
• 18:20
  Speaker: And sometimes you're not listening as a parent.
• 18:23
  Speaker: You don't understand.
• 18:25
  Speaker: And when you can ask your teen,"What do you wish I understood?" They can help open your eyes to things that you might not notice, and that's powerful.
• 18:35
  Speaker: And keep in mind, Listening to your teen does not mean that you and your teen are just going to agree.
• 18:42
  Speaker: Listening is not the same as agreeing, and understanding is not the same as giving in.
• 18:49
  Speaker: Like I can understand why my teen wants to go hang out, and I can listen to them and disagree with what time should be fair, and I can understand them, but still have a different idea of what I think is fair A teen who feels heard is usually less defensive and less argumentative.
• 19:10
  Speaker: If your teen is getting into arguing all the time and they're just in a constant power struggle, they probably don't feel heard.
• 19:17
  Speaker: And it's really hard to correct your teen or negotiate if you never actually listen to them And connection doesn't remove responsibility.
• 19:30
  Speaker: Like, yeah, I wanna be connected with my teens.
• 19:32
  Speaker: I wanna have a fantastic relationship, but we still need to have room for responsibility for both of us.
• 19:39
  Speaker: Connection, it makes responsibility easier to hold, and I've found this as a football coach.
• 19:47
  Speaker: The better connected I am to my players, the higher the level of accountability that I can hold them to.
• 19:53
  Speaker: It's powerful.
• 19:55
  Speaker: So as an example, in the parenting world, you might something like,"Look, I can tell you're frustrated.
• 20:01
  Speaker: What do you wish I understood here?" And your teen might be like,"I hate that you always assume that I'm lazy." And you might be able to say,"That, that's helpful to know.
• 20:12
  Speaker: I can work on how I say it.
• 20:14
  Speaker: And you're right.
• 20:15
  Speaker: Just because you're not doing a chore doesn't mean that you're being lazy, but the chore still needs to be done." That's connection.
• 20:23
  Speaker: That's responsibility.
• 20:24
  Speaker: You're being responsible for what you say while still holding them responsible for what's within their realm of responsibility.
• 20:34
  Speaker: Now, in the last podcast, I mentioned the same TEAM framework.
• 20:40
  Speaker: This is something that I teach inside of my$7 Boundaries workshop, and this is a concept that I teach all throughout my coaching, whether it be one-on-one coaching with me or inside one of my groups or my memberships, and the process is the same, and it's powerful.
• 21:02
  Speaker: The T stands for tune in.
• 21:05
  Speaker: Before you react, slow down, tune into you as a parent.
• 21:10
  Speaker: Ask yourself,"Am I leading or am I trying to win an argument?" The E in TEAM stands for explore together.
• 21:20
  Speaker: Ask powerful questions.
• 21:22
  Speaker: "What do you think would be fair here?
• 21:24
  Speaker: What would help this work?
• 21:25
  Speaker: What do you wish I understood?" The A stands for agree ahead of time.
• 21:30
  Speaker: Make the expectation clear before the fight ever comes up.
• 21:34
  Speaker: You could say something like,"Okay, so we're agreeing that homework starts at 4:30," or,"So we're agreeing that the chores have to be done before you can get on a screen." And then the M stands for maintain the boundary, and this just means follow through calmly.
• 21:52
  Speaker: No chasing, no begging, no yelling, no 19 reminders, just, Hey, this is what we agreed to." And the agreement matters because it gives you something to hold.
• 22:06
  Speaker: Like,"Here's the line.
• 22:07
  Speaker: This is what we agreed to." Without an agreement, you're just reacting.
• 22:13
  Speaker: Boundaries are easier to hold when the agreement is clear and if it is made before the emotions start running high.
• 22:21
  Speaker: And remember this as a parent: you don't need more control, you need a clearer process.
• 22:28
  Speaker: You need better ways to empower your teenager to play a role in getting things done, in living up to the expectations, in setting the boundary in the home.
• 22:41
  Speaker: here's an example.
• 22:43
  Speaker: I use this in my own home with my 17-year-old all the time.
• 22:48
  Speaker: He always wants to go to his girlfriend's house, and I might say,"Hey, what time do you think is a fair curfew tonight?" Sometimes I agree, sometimes I negotiate, and sometimes I flat out say no.
• 23:04
  Speaker: But I want my teen practicing how to think through the situation, how to communicate clearly, and how to take ownership.
• 23:14
  Speaker: Then I might ask what do you think should happen if you come home late?" Now, we're not just making a rule, we're building responsibility.
• 23:24
  Speaker: Here's an example that I use with my football players I might ask my team like,"Hey guys, what do you want practice to look like today?" Or,"What should happen if we don't bring the energy that we said we would bring to practice?" It doesn't mean that I'm letting my players run practice.
• 23:44
  Speaker: It means they have a voice, and when they have a voice, they're more likely to buy in.
• 23:51
  Speaker: When people help create the agreement, they're more likely to own whatever you guys agreed to.
• 23:57
  Speaker: here's what I want you to do Pick one situation this week where you normally dictate and just take control and take charge, or maybe you just start lecturing, or you're just chasing your teen trying to make him do chores, or maybe it has to do with gaming, or maybe it's curfew, summertime, so probably not homework, but it would work there too.
• 24:21
  Speaker: And instead of jumping straight into control, I want you to start asking questions and start with this one: What do you think is fair here?
• 24:32
  Speaker: Or what do you think would help this work?
• 24:34
  Speaker: Or what should happen if you don't follow through?
• 24:38
  Speaker: And then listen.
• 24:39
  Speaker: You don't have to agree with everything.
• 24:42
  Speaker: You don't have to give them the final say, but do give them a voice, and then you hold the line.
• 24:49
  Speaker: That's the skill.
• 24:51
  Speaker: Voice plus leadership, connection plus responsibility.
• 24:56
  Speaker: And if you want help doing this with your teen, I want to invite you to my$7 workshop, Boundaries That Don't Suck.
• 25:06
  Speaker: This is for parents who are tired of repeating the same fight about chores, screen time, bedtime, homework, curfew, and all the little things that somehow turn into big blowups.
• 25:20
  Speaker: Inside the workshop, I'll help you build one better boundary with your teen.
• 25:25
  Speaker: Not a threat, not a lecture, not another rule that you announce when you're already mad.
• 25:32
  Speaker: A real boundary, one that's clear, one that gives your teen a voice, and one that you can actually hold.
• 25:40
  Speaker: And I'll walk you through that same team framework that we just talked about.
• 25:45
  Speaker: Tune in, explore together, agree ahead of time, maintain the boundary, because your teen doesn't need you to control every move, and they don't need you to just give up and hope that they figure it out.
• 25:59
  Speaker: They need you to lead clearly, calmly, consistently.
• 26:05
  Speaker: And you can grab that workshop for only$7 at benpughcoaching.com/boundaries, benpughcoaching.com/boundaries.
• 26:15
  Speaker: And remember, giving your teen a voice does not mean that you're giving them total control.
• 26:21
  Speaker: You're not letting them run the house.
• 26:24
  Speaker: It means you're teaching them how to use their voice, how to take ownership, and how to become someone who can handle more responsibility.
• 26:35
  Speaker: That's the goal.
• 26:37
  Speaker: I'll see you next week