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Love, Light, and Tradition: A Conscious Parent's Guide to the Holidays with Teal Shoop, Darragh Byrne, and Dr. Jennifer Shell · The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

• 0:00
  Teal Shoop: Love is the fabric of the universe.
• 0:02
  Teal Shoop: We are all created and formed in love, and it's when we get away from that, when we teach our children to move away from that, that things get a little wild in our lives and that our children then feel disconnected from themselves.
• 0:15
  Teal Shoop: And so, in the season, then, of giving and caring and love and compassion and kindness and gratitude, caring and love and compassion and kindness and gratitude it's inviting our children into those emotions, into those concepts, into those thought spaces that tunes them then in even more into their true self, their true soul, their authentic, little sweet, wonderful them.
• 0:41
  Teal Shoop: Little sweet, wonderful them.
• 0:48
  Teal Shoop: And so, instead of focusing so much on okay, this is just holidays and things, and we do gifts or we do whatever it's, for me an emphasis with my daughter on this is us giving love.
• 0:59
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Hi, conscious Parents.
• 1:00
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's Keri here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids.
• 1:05
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way.
• 1:12
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Join us.
• 1:13
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Hi there, conscious Parents.
• 1:15
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Before we start today's episode, it's Keri here and I wanted to reach out to ask you guys for a quick favor.
• 1:20
  Carrie Lingenfelter: As a follower of our show, we would love for you to give us a five-star rating and leave us a review.
• 1:27
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It can be just a few words, that's it, and it really goes a long way with us with the podcasting community on Apple or Spotify.
• 1:35
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So thanks so much for tuning in and I'm so excited for you to hear today's message.
• 1:40
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Happy listening, hi there, and welcome back.
• 1:43
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I'm so excited.
• 1:44
  Carrie Lingenfelter: You guys probably heard some fun holiday music coming in because we have round two of our holiday series.
• 1:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We have Christmas, hanukkah, winter solstice, any type of thing that you are celebrating this holiday season of December and today I have a group session.
• 2:01
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I'm so excited.
• 2:02
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I have Dr Jennifer Schell, teal Shoup and Dara Byrne here and I'm so excited to have you all here.
• 2:10
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thanks so much for joining us, guys, so I wanted to jump right in and just jump in with a question I was thinking this December.
• 2:19
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I'm starting to realize how much the energy starts to speed up as the holidays are coming.
• 2:27
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's basketball practice, cub Scout, astronomy lesson we have all these things going and I've almost missed appointments recently.
• 2:35
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What are your thoughts on some of this energy and some of the things coming into play in December?
• 2:41
  Teal Shoop: I've been feeling that same way coming into play in December.
• 2:47
  Teal Shoop: I've been feeling that same way.
• 2:48
  Teal Shoop: It's the Thanksgiving acceleration button in the US, with Thanksgiving anyway for the US listeners, and things just rocket off from the end of November through into the new year and it's holy smokes.
• 2:58
  Teal Shoop: And I was thinking about this this the other day and thinking, wow, how is it that this energy is so intense?
• 3:08
  Teal Shoop: And what was coming to me was like whoa, because I've got so many expectations about what the holidays look like.
• 3:15
  Teal Shoop: Right, we've got so many things packed in, and then it's like everybody else is trying to jam things in before the end of the year, thinking I've got to get things done before the end of the year.
• 3:26
  Teal Shoop: This was at least some of the things I was seeing.
• 3:28
  Teal Shoop: So people like to just okay, book more in, and it's not just the holiday parties, but it's also did I get to my goals?
• 3:34
  Teal Shoop: And that's even pressure on our kids with school and end of year projects and even the celebrations.
• 3:41
  Teal Shoop: It's just there's this sort of time pressure that comes with it with the end of the year approaching, not just the holidays, and people just dogpile into that.
• 3:49
  Teal Shoop: And I was like huh, this is so interesting At least my perspective on it.
• 3:54
  Teal Shoop: From what I was seeing, my take was wow, we have so many expectations about this time of year and then we get so into the goals and let's wrap up the year on a good note and let's have the best holiday ever, that that things just take off because they're so cram jam.
• 4:10
  Carrie Lingenfelter: When did it become the competition with ourselves?
• 4:13
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Like it's gonna be the best holiday we got to beat the last holiday and does anybody have any ideas for how we could slow down?
• 4:21
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Or?
• 4:22
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you, teal, for that comment.
• 4:23
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I love it we could slow down, or.
• 4:29
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Thank you, teal, for that comment.
• 4:30
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I love it.
• 4:30
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: This is like diet related, because I think we start to experience like teal is sad, like there's all this pressure and this momentum in which is cool and a lot of us start to burn out, but also this like a really high sugar treat-filled, like processed food type of time, and the biggest thing I see in my practice is okay, we have to be very conscious of how we're eating.
• 4:58
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Are we getting enough protein?
• 5:00
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Are we balancing this with good fats?
• 5:03
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Like we can't just load up on cookies all day and then expect to be able to go, like Teal said and you were saying, basketball practice and shopping and all things.
• 5:16
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: We really need to fuel our bodies with the proper nutrients too.
• 5:23
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Ooh, that's such a great one.
• 5:25
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you, Dr Jen.
• 5:27
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I was recently at a children's Halloween little festivities and I was talking to some moms and they were saying I was telling them about how food coloring and dyes have really affected my kids' behavior.
• 5:42
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And the moms turned to each other and they're like, oh, we've been giving our kids like so much sugar.
• 5:48
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We need to cut this back, and I think it's just part of our culture, right, like just adding all this sugar, and it's really wonderful we can find alternatives to that piece.
• 5:58
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you so much, jen, for mentioning that.
• 6:01
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So I also wanted to ask you guys have you found anything that has helped you to stay mindful or connected during this?
• 6:12
  Teal Shoop: season.
• 6:12
  Teal Shoop: This time of year is actually, if we look to nature, right?
• 6:16
  Teal Shoop: If we look to mother earth, if we look to even our own biology and circadian rhythms and all of our function, we're already being invited to slow down and be mindful with the change of season, especially with the winter solstice coming up and all of that.
• 6:32
  Teal Shoop: Everything is a rhythm and a cycle and even though the holidays are like woo, flashy light, full speed ahead kind of thing, it's nature's doing the opposite, right?
• 6:43
  Teal Shoop: So our inherent nature in biology is actually in the opposite direction to slow down, because look at over here in the Northern hemisphere, this is winter.
• 6:52
  Teal Shoop: Everything is going dormant, everything is slowing down, everything is dying back in order to rest, conserve energy, rebuild itself and then give birth again in the spring.
• 7:06
  Teal Shoop: And so to me, the path that I love to walk in this more often than even any time of the year, is connecting with nature and the beautiful rhythms outside, which can be tricky because we get dark earlier and it's cold out, so we don't always want to go outside, but I love to walk through whatever nature is around me and truly just notice what is happening with nature.
• 7:35
  Teal Shoop: And how can I bring that into my life, and I take my daughter out with that.
• 7:39
  Teal Shoop: And this is what's so fun with kids too is that, like everything with the seasons is always being seen with fresh eyes with our children, and it's just magical to then walk and look at nature through their fresh eyes of oh, look at the frost, look at the snow, look at that bird who has come out of the mountains because the mountains are getting such heavy snow.
• 8:02
  Teal Shoop: It's coming here to live with us now because it can get more food.
• 8:06
  Teal Shoop: We're not having so much cold and snow and everything.
• 8:09
  Teal Shoop: Like the mountains, it's those little things, I think, in nature that we tune into, that make us so present, that help us see that connection with the seasons, the cycles of our life, the cycles of the earth.
• 8:22
  Teal Shoop: And it's no pun intended, but a breath of fresh air, because just being in nature we feel ourselves slow, right down.
• 8:30
  Teal Shoop: It talks to us.
• 8:31
  Teal Shoop: The energy of nature talks to us and talks to our bodies.
• 8:34
  Teal Shoop: It talks to our children even more because they're not full of all of the chaos and programming and nonsense that we are as adults yet.
• 8:43
  Teal Shoop: So it even reaches them even more.
• 8:47
  Teal Shoop: And it's just so beautiful to walk and look at this tree, touch this tree, see the snow, look at how the sky looks different.
• 8:54
  Teal Shoop: The light and the sky is different this time of year.
• 8:57
  Teal Shoop: But sorry, I could talk all day.
• 9:00
  Teal Shoop: I don't want to hog the show here.
• 9:01
  Teal Shoop: I'm so sorry, but it's just.
• 9:03
  Teal Shoop: It's like it's so simple and we miss it.
• 9:07
  Teal Shoop: I don't want to hog the show here.
• 9:08
  Teal Shoop: I'm so sorry, but it's just.
• 9:08
  Teal Shoop: It's like it's so simple and we miss it.
• 9:09
  Teal Shoop: I think we zoom past it.
• 9:10
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's so magical the way you describe winter.
• 9:14
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That's why we're all just in Zen listening to you, teal.
• 9:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I totally forget about the winter piece of the holidays, the hibernation, the slowing down, and it actually makes me think of the COVID times.
• 9:30
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I know it was a little bit chaos for a lot of people.
• 9:33
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Our family was really lucky.
• 9:35
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I was at home and I was staying at home with the kids and so I could be present with our five-year-old and our two-year-old at the time, and it actually is part of our favorite memories of raising our kids.
• 9:41
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They were at that age where we could just incubate and be present and our two-year-old at the time and it actually is part of our favorite memories of raising our kids.
• 9:46
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They were at that age where we could just incubate and be present.
• 9:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And my kids say I miss being at home with you all the time, mom, my six-year-old she now is six, but she loved that time.
• 9:57
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So, yeah, we can slow down and be present and share that love of nature with, get out and do active meditation with them.
• 10:08
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Right, talk about noticing the snow on the trees, noticing all these different pieces, what it smells like when it snows or rains.
• 10:20
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Did you have something, dr Jen?
• 10:21
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Just for you guys to describe that?
• 10:22
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: It was truly beautiful and, from a science perspective, like there's a Japanese tradition called forest bathing, where literally you go into the woods and you spend like hours in there in the middle of the winter.
• 10:41
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I'm not going to, but it really helps drop your cortisol and your cortisol is your stress hormone.
• 10:52
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So, like all of us just running and like you said, carrie, like during COVID, that was like you said.
• 11:00
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I understand it was really hard for a lot of people but, like for my family, it was calm, it was quiet.
• 11:11
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: It's literally, I like, pivoted in my life, thinking what do I really want?
• 11:17
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So, anyways, that cortisol, that stress response, we really need to be cognizant of that.
• 11:25
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: And going in the woods, being in nature, that's going to help us and our kids, because I remember when my boys were little, it's a little crazy when they're trapped in the house too.
• 11:39
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: It's important Get them outside, bundle them up and go out.
• 11:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That's saying something coming from you in Michigan, bundling them up and going outside.
• 11:55
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, there's no bad weather, just bad clothing.
• 12:00
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love using that term a lot with my kiddos and it's true, they'll go out there in the snow and it's zero degrees and go sledding.
• 12:04
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So we started that young as the season is approaching and I don't know if you guys are familiar with Dr Lisa Miller.
• 12:13
  Carrie Lingenfelter: She's a research psychologist and she's done a lot of research on spirituality and the foundation of having spirituality in our lives as children and how children are born seeking spiritual pieces.
• 12:28
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They're born connected with nature, as Teal has mentioned.
• 12:31
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They're born asking really insightful and deep questions and wanting to experience life and how, when we foster this with them, as in the childhood, as they grow, it really helps with growth in all areas for them.
• 12:46
  Teal Shoop: So I was curious if you guys bring in any spirituality into your families in the holiday season or what that might look like for you for our family it's really a all the time thing, it's not just the holidays, because for us we view things as that, yeah, we are spiritual beings.
• 13:07
  Teal Shoop: We're born here into human form, but we are spiritual, cosmic beings.
• 13:13
  Teal Shoop: Our soul and our human form, our bodies, our beautiful bodies, are taking us on this journey here on earth, and so it's this wonderful connection that I love seeing and nurturing in our children, because they are born, as you said, already so tuned into nature, so tuned into spirit or source or universe or God or whatever you'd like to call it.
• 13:36
  Teal Shoop: Right, they don't yet have all of the baggage and the conditioning and whatever it is that we pick up and are taught over the years.
• 13:45
  Teal Shoop: Right.
• 13:46
  Teal Shoop: And that emphasis, even in the holidays, is, I think, even more strong, especially because it's related to so many for a religious narrative or a dogma or something like that comes into play with the holiday season.
• 13:59
  Teal Shoop: But it's beautiful because our children are so pure.
• 14:05
  Teal Shoop: Our children are so pure and it's just one more opportunity for us to encourage them to connect just with themselves.
• 14:16
  Teal Shoop: That beautiful pureness, that light, that pure love that's already in themselves, and we're doing that right through the things like we were talking about.
• 14:26
  Teal Shoop: You're mentioning the mindfulness, but I love to take it even into more of an emphasis in the holidays with my family, into love, because what I teach and have as part of my being is that love is our highest frequency.
• 14:42
  Teal Shoop: Love is the fabric of the universe.
• 14:45
  Teal Shoop: We are all created and formed in love, and it's when we get away from that, when we teach our children to move away from that, that things get a little wild in our lives and that our children then feel disconnected from themselves.
• 14:58
  Teal Shoop: In the season, then, of giving and caring and love and compassion and kindness and gratitude, it's inviting our children into those emotions, into those concepts, into those thought spaces that tunes them then in even more into their true self, their true soul, their authentic, little, sweet, wonderful them, true soul, their authentic, little, sweet, wonderful them.
• 15:29
  Teal Shoop: And so, instead of focusing so much on okay, this is just holidays and things and we do gifts or we do whatever, it's, for me, an emphasis with my daughter on this is us giving love to.
• 15:42
  Teal Shoop: This morning she's helping me shop for Graham and Gramp.
• 15:45
  Teal Shoop: Right, I'm on Amazon shopping for things for Graham and Gramp, and it's we're giving love, we're showing our gratitude, we are in, then, reciprocity of giving and receiving of love from Graham and Gramp with these gifts and these are just a little show of our love and our caring.
• 16:03
  Teal Shoop: It's not about the present or the thing, but we honor them, we have compassion for them, we show this with love.
• 16:14
  Teal Shoop: How can we send love?
• 16:15
  Teal Shoop: And it's just a tiny little example.
• 16:18
  Teal Shoop: There's so many other areas where this comes in the holidays right With donations or helping with other holiday traditions at soup kitchens or the homeless or donating to clubs when you buy your gifts.
• 16:31
  Teal Shoop: There's so many ways to give and care and share in the holidays and give that example to our kids of us being loving and caring, because they will mirror that just like that.
• 16:42
  Teal Shoop: And yeah, I just look at the holidays as this is even more love always to mirror that for our children to be resonating even more in spirit in themselves.
• 16:56
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Love it Teal.
• 16:57
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you, Hi there.
• 16:58
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Changemaker.
• 16:59
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Moms and dads, it's Keri here.
• 17:01
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I hope you're enjoying today's episode.
• 17:03
  Carrie Lingenfelter: If there's any pieces of this episode that resonate with you, we would love for you to share it with a friend.
• 17:09
  Carrie Lingenfelter: A little helping hand goes a long way.
• 17:11
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We appreciate you tuning in, and here's more.
• 17:14
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Yeah that was great.
• 17:15
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So I do have a little story, actually speaking about just giving and sharing.
• 17:23
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: And just like you said you said Teal, like our focus is helping others, showing love, like among his family, friends, but two people we don't know too.
• 17:36
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So we did adopt a grandparent, so we went and bought all the gifts, all the presents, and then I made the boys wrap them, and then yesterday we went and dropped off these baskets full of gifts and the lady said to my youngest, said to my youngest don't ever stop having a giving heart, because you never know what you'll need someday.
• 18:13
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: And my son was like I don't really understand what that means.
• 18:16
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I'm like oh, my love, this is what you do.
• 18:21
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: You give but don't ever expect anything back.
• 18:25
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Give just genuinely and lovingly, without ever expecting anything back, and just always do that your whole life.
• 18:35
  Carrie Lingenfelter: and so, anyways, yeah, my gosh, that is such a beautiful story.
• 18:40
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love that they got to see where the gifts were going and they got to communicate with the person.
• 18:46
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What a lovely message for your boy.
• 18:48
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yes, so sweet.
• 18:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I didn't know that they have programs to give to grandparents or elderly people.
• 18:55
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We've only ever talked about kids not receiving toys or parents not being able to buy toys for their kiddos.
• 19:02
  Carrie Lingenfelter: We have a toy drive going at my son's school and he gets to go with his third grade class and help put together the baskets and stuff to send to kids.
• 19:13
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And then we do one at our spiritual center where we do stockings and we stuff them for kids.
• 19:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, doing these acts of kindness and sharing love and spreading love.
• 19:23
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love what you're saying about love for gifts.
• 19:27
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That's a it's a wonder thing wonderful thing to instill with them when they're young, because it can quickly turn into Santa's coming.
• 19:36
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What does Santa bring?
• 19:37
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, yeah, so, yeah, I love that you're fostering.
• 19:41
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: We have to keep holidays as like emotion and family and memories, because you're right.
• 19:49
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Otherwise it does turn into things and I don't.
• 19:54
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I would not advise that.
• 19:56
  Teal Shoop: And I love too what you were saying, dr Jen, about giving without expectation of return, giving with an open heart, because that is true, giving right.
• 20:07
  Teal Shoop: Otherwise it's this giving to get kind of thing, and for me that's an energetic situation too, and so I'm always like, okay, being mindful of when I'm doing stuff with my and what I'm emulating for my daughter, because it's, why am I giving?
• 20:23
  Teal Shoop: Why do I feel called to maybe make a donation or do some other service this time of year?
• 20:29
  Teal Shoop: Do I feel like I have to, like it's an expectation, or is it coming from complete, pure soul, heart, open heart and just love and giving?
• 20:39
  Teal Shoop: Because they will sense that too.
• 20:41
  Teal Shoop: Like we can't fool our kids if we feel like, oh, everybody else is donating or doing whatever this time of year, volunteers like I got to do the thing to like our kids read that, they read that, and that's not then the lesson, the message, the modeling that I encourage or I emulate, when then our kids are just going to be that same way too.
• 21:02
  Teal Shoop: So I love that, dr Jen.
• 21:05
  Teal Shoop: Thank you for sharing that.
• 21:05
  Teal Shoop: Yeah, given with an open heart is so beautiful.
• 21:08
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yes, and right now my heart is growing as I'm hearing these stories and I need to.
• 21:14
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I wrote down love.
• 21:15
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's like we need to talk more about this in our house this week, and I'm thinking also as the holidays are coming.
• 21:22
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It also opens up so much room as a mom or a dad, to grow in our own as well, thinking about spiritual growth.
• 21:33
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Sometimes it can raise up pieces that we may need to heal at this time.
• 21:38
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Do you have any thoughts about this area?
• 21:42
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: so for me like I love oils, like I'm picking on supplements, but the biggest thing is, like around the holiday, I always think about frankincense.
• 21:52
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: That's been around for thousands of years and sense is just a really grounding, centering oil.
• 22:00
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So I find myself diffusing that in the house.
• 22:04
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: A lot Different oils like clove, cinnamon, which are, of course, really warm, but also they're great for your immune system.
• 22:13
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Orange wild orange also great for your immune system.
• 22:16
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Orange wild orange also great for your immune system.
• 22:18
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Boost mood.
• 22:19
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So I just definitely invite people to do that because it's going up and affecting your limbic system and your brain.
• 22:29
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: It's physiological.
• 22:31
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I think that's awesome yeah thank you, dr Jen.
• 22:34
  Darragh Byrne: These holiday times are peak times for big challenges, especially when it comes to family and, as you said, being around your own family or in-laws can be a big trigger point for lots of intergenerational issues.
• 22:47
  Darragh Byrne: For me, I think the biggest thing is the kind of relationship that I have with my wife, and that's something that I talk a lot about with other fathers and husbands is that relationship that you're cultivating with your partner is the key to growing out of those intergenerational issues.
• 23:05
  Darragh Byrne: Me and my wife both have spiritual practices.
• 23:07
  Darragh Byrne: I'm big into yoga and meditation, particularly so we both have those things that we do and allow ourselves the time to do.
• 23:14
  Darragh Byrne: That.
• 23:15
  Darragh Byrne: We work as a team.
• 23:16
  Darragh Byrne: We have our daughter and we'll take turns, especially if we both have time off.
• 23:18
  Darragh Byrne: That we work as a team, have her daughter and we'll take turns, especially if we both have time off work.
• 23:20
  Darragh Byrne: We'll schedule it out.
• 23:21
  Darragh Byrne: I'm an early morning person so I like to get up earlier before the daughter, do some meditation, some yoga, get myself centered.
• 23:28
  Darragh Byrne: And then my wife.
• 23:29
  Darragh Byrne: She's a coffee person, so she goes and gets her coffee and I play with my daughter and she does her practices later on and gets her coffee and I play with my daughter and she does her practices later on.
• 23:39
  Darragh Byrne: But if we have challenges, if we're around in-laws, we will meet it with a brave face as it's happening, and we know each other's triggers because we talk a lot about it.
• 23:44
  Darragh Byrne: But then afterwards, when we come back home, we use our relationship to decompress those things and we create the safety to explore some of the things that we can't explore with our parents, for instance.
• 23:56
  Darragh Byrne: So if I find myself getting triggered and upset and reverting back to a kind of more hurt part of myself in the moment, you know, try to stay as engaged as possible with my daughter and my family, and then later on I'll talk to my wife about it and we have different ways of working through it, expressing the emotions and coming up with solutions as a team.
• 24:17
  Darragh Byrne: So if it happens again the next day, how can we approach this better?
• 24:21
  Darragh Byrne: And in that way I feel more supported.
• 24:23
  Darragh Byrne: It's not just, oh no, here's all these things that I try to run away from every year.
• 24:26
  Darragh Byrne: So, yeah, I would say one of the biggest things for growing is the relationship that I have with my wife.
• 24:32
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Awesome, that's really helpful.
• 24:34
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I didn't even think about relationship wise with our partner, which that just tells you where your mind family we consciously talk about.
• 24:42
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Who can we help?
• 25:03
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So if there's co-tribe, well, let's work and co-get coats.
• 25:07
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: We do these things, but we do it together as parents.
• 25:12
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: My husband and I always consciously made that a priority.
• 25:19
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Like Dara said, together we decided this is what we want our kids to do, this is the snacks we want to go drop off to the firefighters.
• 25:30
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: We're going to do it together All these things.
• 25:34
  Darragh Byrne: It's a conscious effort and we consciously do that together with the kids thanks, dr jen yeah, I think one thing that is important to me with my daughter, because she's still young and she's growing, is to incorporate some kind of familial traditions that I have and you know as well with my wife I think like a big thing about the christmas is and you know as well with my wife, I think like a big thing about the Christmas is like ancestral.
• 26:01
  Darragh Byrne: I'm really big into like ancestral intergenerational things, so I love introducing her to things that I have I resonate with for Christmas.
• 26:07
  Darragh Byrne: What I associate with Christmas and the things that were impactful for me is at her age.
• 26:12
  Darragh Byrne: So charity work is a big thing.
• 26:15
  Darragh Byrne: I come from a line of social workers so we always used to make the kind of shoe boxes.
• 26:19
  Darragh Byrne: I don't know if we do them here in the us as much, but you get like an old shoe box and you just fill it with little little knickknacks and toys, toothbrushes, things like that and they get sent to communities that are less advantaged and those things as a kid really helped me become more empathetic and more aware because, coming from the Western world and we get so many big gifts and a lot of food and just so much success that just seeing oh wow, some child is going to be amazed that these little knickknacks that I get every day is something that kind of emotionally resonated with me, kind of emotionally resonated with me.
• 26:57
  Darragh Byrne: So those kind of little things are things that I really hope to impart onto my kids as well is this idea of how can you build awareness of what's happening around the world at this time of year.
• 27:04
  Darragh Byrne: What is special for other people and what's special for your family, and where are you coming from and how can all those things link together to build a kind of higher field of awareness of what's happening?
• 27:14
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That's great, dara.
• 27:15
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love the ancestry piece.
• 27:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It's not something that I had thought about, but I think we do often carry down the most important pieces right, and when you have your own family, you can choose which are your favorites.
• 27:30
  Carrie Lingenfelter: You can leave behind some others, but you choose your favorite pieces.
• 27:34
  Carrie Lingenfelter: You can carry down that tradition Along those lines.
• 27:37
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I think I've learned in my family to prioritize the ones that are the most important to us and let go of the ones that you have to prioritize because there are so many.
• 27:50
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Has those expectations right Of so many pieces, you watch a Hallmark movie and you think your house has to look exactly like that, whereas my husband was getting up on a ladder to hang out the lights last weekend and he started to feel a little bit dizzy last year and then this year again when he tried to get the top top peak.
• 28:10
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And he's no, I'm not going to Chevy, chase this and fall off the ladder and my kids really just want to play with me.
• 28:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They're like Dad, let's do this, let's do this.
• 28:19
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And he's like I got to hang the lights because you want the lights.
• 28:21
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So he said my kids don't care about the lights, let's plug in a blow up in the front lawn and I'll go play with them and follow what they want to do this weekend.
• 28:30
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They just want to spend time with me.
• 28:31
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They don't care if we have the perfect lights in our house.
• 28:36
  Teal Shoop: I love that.
• 28:36
  Teal Shoop: It's so true.
• 28:37
  Teal Shoop: One thing that always comes up for me every holiday is the word attachment.
• 28:44
  Teal Shoop: What are we, what am I attached to in the holidays?
• 28:48
  Teal Shoop: That actually isn't me, it doesn't feel good to me, it doesn't feel like completely in alignment and resonance with me, and it's yeah, you're talking about oh, does my house look as candy cane lane as the smiths down the street?
• 29:05
  Teal Shoop: Oh, my gosh, I gotta up my game.
• 29:07
  Teal Shoop: Is that really?
• 29:08
  Teal Shoop: Is that really me?
• 29:10
  Teal Shoop: Is that really what I want?
• 29:11
  Teal Shoop: And why am I attached to that?
• 29:11
  Teal Shoop: And look at yeah, we have these stories about why we do the things we do in the holidays and generally they're.
• 29:14
  Teal Shoop: A lot of times you look at, yeah, we have these stories about why we do the things we do in the holidays and generally there a lot of times you look at them closely we're like we don't even want to do that.
• 29:24
  Teal Shoop: Just let it go.
• 29:25
  Teal Shoop: Because, like you so said, and like you said, dara too, like we just be with our kids, be with our family, choose the things that feel good, right.
• 29:33
  Teal Shoop: Just choose the things that feel good, right.
• 29:38
  Teal Shoop: Just choose the things that feel good, that feel fun, that feel light, right.
• 29:43
  Teal Shoop: And if that means you don't pick up any decorations, that's great.
• 29:47
  Teal Shoop: If it means you don't bake cookies, that's great.
• 29:49
  Teal Shoop: If you bake 7,000 cookies, that's great, right.
• 29:52
  Teal Shoop: I just be guided by what's going on inside rather than this mental to-do list.
• 29:59
  Teal Shoop: It's just been, oh gosh, such a blessing in my life to let go of the expectations, because I was always like super type A people pleaser crazy long to-do list.
• 30:12
  Teal Shoop: What are my parents going to think if I don't do their traditions?
• 30:16
  Teal Shoop: Let's just let that go and be at peace and just spend time with our kids, drop the attachments.
• 30:22
  Teal Shoop: And I love what you're saying too, about the ancestral part too, derek, because that was so big in my life.
• 30:29
  Teal Shoop: That's one thing I have majorly prioritized.
• 30:32
  Teal Shoop: I am from a very Polish heritage and there's a beautiful tradition called a płatek, which is a wafer of unleavened bread, and it's a ceremony with all of your loved ones then of you break off pieces and share pieces with each other, and then you have just a face to face, heart to heart.
• 30:52
  Teal Shoop: I'm grateful for you.
• 30:53
  Teal Shoop: Thank you for this year.
• 30:55
  Teal Shoop: You mean so much in my life, this incredibly intimate sharing, like I cry, with every person every time throughout my family.
• 31:02
  Teal Shoop: My bread is now soggy.
• 31:03
  Teal Shoop: It's like wet styrofoam.
• 31:05
  Teal Shoop: But we're doing that with my daughter and she's two.
• 31:09
  Teal Shoop: She doesn't really understand, but she reads the emotion.
• 31:13
  Teal Shoop: She gets like the heart, the love and that place.
• 31:18
  Teal Shoop: When you feel that heart and that love in your holiday traditions, those are the keepers, those are the keepers and if you can then prioritize based on that feeling, remember that feeling and prioritize based on that.
• 31:31
  Teal Shoop: Like things feeling and prioritize based on that.
• 31:32
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Like things just feel more light yeah, I love the ancestry piece, I think, remembering people that maybe we grew up with there that are not there anymore.
• 31:43
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I know at our spiritual center they still do the candlelight ceremony, which I grew up doing when I was a kid and always would go with my grandmother and stuff, and so every time we light those candles I get very emotional as well, and it's that's Christmas Eve, right there, right, being with your family, singing songs, being together and lighting the candle.
• 32:04
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That was a special moment for our families and remembering those people that used to be here with us.
• 32:09
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So I love that piece.
• 32:11
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Guys, do you all have a favorite tool or a way to connect with yourself?
• 32:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Dara had mentioned a little bit.
• 32:19
  Carrie Lingenfelter: When things feel overwhelming as a parent, what do you like to do for yourself?
• 32:25
  Carrie Lingenfelter: How do you reset?
• 32:26
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What's?
• 32:26
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Any tips in that area?
• 32:29
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Okay for me.
• 32:29
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Personally I feel like the crazy oil lady because I'm coming back to oils.
• 32:37
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: But my kids literally they laugh about it.
• 32:41
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Like my youngest one found this TikTok and it was this lady and her kid like fake broke his arm and she goes hold on.
• 32:48
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Like fake broke his arm and she goes hold on honey, let me get my oils.
• 32:53
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I'm like that's ridiculous, I would never.
• 32:56
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: But anyways, the oils.
• 32:59
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: When you take oils and you literally just do a couple of drops in your palm, you want to make sure they're pure, because a lot can be neurotoxic, because they're contaminated.
• 33:11
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: But when you do that, you just make a cup, you do that for 30 seconds.
• 33:17
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So some of the stuff my go-tos are like vetiver.
• 33:22
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Vetiver doesn't smell great, I'll just be honest, but it works so good for pulling myself together, it helps me keep myself together and things like lavender for anxious feelings, for sleep, for stuff like that.
• 33:41
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What was the name of the first oil that you mentioned?
• 33:43
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: It's called vetiver with a V vetiver.
• 33:47
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: It smells not great.
• 33:49
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: My kids call that my stink oil, but my stink oil really helps with grounding and centering.
• 33:58
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Yeah, so those are some of my favorite ways.
• 34:01
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Or like holy basil Tulsi, I love to use that for just recentering and I think, like we've discussed, like anxiety, but also, like Dara said, like coming together with family can be triggering, it can get you riled up.
• 34:21
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: So maybe before you go, you're putting on grounding oils, maybe some bergamot with some lime and whatever, some bergamot with some lime and you would have her chamomile if you need to calm, like just all these different things to help you go into the situation maybe a little bit lighter yeah, I love that.
• 34:44
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I also like to diffuse.
• 34:46
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I like to diffuse oils and when the kids are sick I'll do eucalyptus and such and my kids also laugh.
• 34:52
  Carrie Lingenfelter: They call me the good witch, so I get the same thing from my kids.
• 34:55
  Carrie Lingenfelter: But yeah, I love that.
• 34:57
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That's great.
• 34:58
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you, dr Jen.
• 34:59
  Darragh Byrne: I think one of the things that we talk a lot about in the framework that we use in our coaching for fathers is the differences in biological responses that happen for mothers and fathers.
• 35:08
  Darragh Byrne: For instance, my wife, because she's the primary nurturer and carer, gets triggered a lot more intensely than I would.
• 35:17
  Darragh Byrne: For instance, if my daughter's having a tantrum or, sorry, my earplug fell out, or if she's having a hard moment, that that will have a very strong effect on my wife that I won't notice as much so in those moments that you're talking about, especially in the holiday.
• 35:32
  Darragh Byrne: One thing that we talk about with other fathers is the sense of responsibility.
• 35:37
  Darragh Byrne: We have to try and maintain a regulated state for the whole family mother, father and children Because when it gets very tense in the house and kids are chaotic and crazy, I notice, I can start noticing that my wife is starting to lose her tolerance to be able to cope and she needs some self-care for herself.
• 35:55
  Darragh Byrne: And that's when I feel like I need to round up the kids for, in my case, the singular kid and take her out and give her some playtime outdoors, or vice versa.
• 36:06
  Darragh Byrne: If it's late or if the weather's bad, my wife will probably leave and go, take that time for herself to either exercise or take some time, and that's one thing that I think is important for fathers.
• 36:17
  Darragh Byrne: I know there's not a whole lot of representation for fathers, usually in the conscious parenting space, but we, in my opinion, from the research that I've done, I think we have a responsibility not only for our own self-care but we really do need to prioritize our wives and partners to help them, because a lot of the times I've noticed with working with couples and stuff that usually the the mother will run into a wall and the father's scratching his head being like, well, I don't know, maybe she should do, I don't know what to do, and it's usually in those moments where the father should step up and be like okay, from a purity biological perspective, I have a higher tolerance for some of these things and I need to step in and just bring some levity and play, and that's usually what we're good at is and what kids are attracted towards.
• 37:02
  Darragh Byrne: The father figure usually is for play, exploration, and they can be great diffusers and a great opportunity then for mothers to find self-care time alone, re-regulate for other stressful times.
• 37:14
  Darragh Byrne: But yeah, just to go on that question of self-care from the father perspective, I think it's just really important this time of year to prioritize your partner and really make sure that she's getting a lot of self-care and really have a few, even take some notes.
• 37:30
  Darragh Byrne: I always have all different sorts of books of how to play with your kid.
• 37:33
  Darragh Byrne: When I just pull out different games and activities I'm like, oh, that sounds fun, I wouldn't have thought of that.
• 37:37
  Darragh Byrne: And I just try and rotate through some that I know that my daughter's going to resonate with in those kind of difficult times.
• 37:43
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: That's so cool.
• 37:45
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Thanks, dara, that was awesome yeah.
• 37:48
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, it's really helpful when dads are aware and conscious too.
• 37:53
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I love that.
• 37:54
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you, dara.
• 37:55
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I often will turn to my husband.
• 37:58
  Carrie Lingenfelter: If my kids are melting down and I'm starting to feel the energy of it, I'll turn to my husband and say can you get them to laugh?
• 38:04
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Because laughter will sometimes reset that system for them and I'm not in a state where I can be silly or think of something funny.
• 38:13
  Carrie Lingenfelter: And so I turned to my husband.
• 38:14
  Carrie Lingenfelter: He knows he's the backup make them laugh person now lately.
• 38:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: So I love that.
• 38:19
  Teal Shoop: I love that.
• 38:20
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I do too.
• 38:20
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: That's brilliant.
• 38:22
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I love that, you guys.
• 38:24
  Teal Shoop: This is so good because and piggybacking on all of this too where, yes, we're responsible for managing ourselves, regulating our nervous system, shifting our emotions and our state we're entirely responsible for that ourselves.
• 38:38
  Teal Shoop: But I love this conversation and what you're all speaking to about, yeah, the family unit and we help each other with that regulation too.
• 38:47
  Teal Shoop: Because what I love to share and my help, the women I work with, who are so many moms as well, and then, of course, with myself is, yeah, when you're in that overwhelm in the holidays, when you're getting into that stress, or, yeah, the tantrum is happening and you're just like, oh my God, I'm going to do the meltdown, right, we're getting into fight or flight, right, our sympathetic nervous system is activated and we need to shift that into the vagal phase of our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our healing and regulating, rest and digest phase right.
• 39:22
  Teal Shoop: That, then, is where you're able to get out of all that craziness right.
• 39:27
  Teal Shoop: But it doesn't have to be just a practice you do by yourself.
• 39:32
  Teal Shoop: This is what's so fun, like some of the tools that I like to use because they're easy.
• 39:37
  Teal Shoop: In the moment is just using EFT emotional freedom technique.
• 39:41
  Teal Shoop: People call it tapping, but do the regulation technique do the breathing, do the box breathing.
• 39:47
  Teal Shoop: Do the 7-Eleven breathing, do the EFT, whatever it is breathing, do the 7-11 breathing, do the EFT, whatever it is.
• 39:51
  Teal Shoop: Do it with your kids, do it with your family, do it together, right, because then you're regulating yourself, you're helping your child regulate themselves.
• 40:10
  Teal Shoop: You're then modeling for them how to handle these big, messy, complicated emotions as their little system is still developing.
• 40:14
  Teal Shoop: And you're doing it all together and like you're building that little building blocks and practice in them.
• 40:21
  Teal Shoop: And, oh my gosh, I wish I had this as a kid, because now it's boy.
• 40:25
  Teal Shoop: I've been learning these tools now as an adult and I'm a hot mess with it.
• 40:28
  Teal Shoop: It's new and it's harder to learn because we're an adult, right, learning languages as a kid is easy.
• 40:33
  Teal Shoop: Learning music as a kid is easier, right, because we're that blank slate.
• 40:36
  Teal Shoop: And I'm like, oh my gosh, I wish I had this as a little kid.
• 40:39
  Teal Shoop: And now I'm like, oh, what an opportunity that we get as parents and mom and dads to okay, mom's a mess, dad's a mess, let's be together Sometimes.
• 40:50
  Teal Shoop: Yeah, I need that separateness.
• 40:52
  Teal Shoop: I got to go away.
• 40:53
  Teal Shoop: I just I got to go away.
• 40:54
  Teal Shoop: I need my five minutes.
• 40:55
  Teal Shoop: It doesn't matter what tool I use.
• 40:58
  Teal Shoop: I'm not going to.
• 40:58
  Teal Shoop: I need my five minutes.
• 40:59
  Teal Shoop: But can we do this as a family during the holidays and any time of the year and, like the whole, deflate that balloon of energy and tension and everything together and you're teaching them a skill at the same time.
• 41:13
  Teal Shoop: That is one of the most powerful skills in their life.
• 41:16
  Teal Shoop: I'm like heck, yeah, it's so cool yeah, thank you, teal.
• 41:20
  Carrie Lingenfelter: That was so lovely and I think that was a perfect way to bring us down to our final thoughts.
• 41:27
  Carrie Lingenfelter: What are you looking forward to the most this holiday season?
• 41:31
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I think I'm looking forward to just Christmas morning.
• 41:34
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Christmas Eve we do a lot of like formal family things, but Christmas morning it's being together, cozying up, staying in our PJs, eating a fun breakfast together and being together time informally.
• 41:50
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Yeah, same for us, my oldest.
• 41:53
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: He's a senior in the high schools.
• 41:55
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: We're really cherishing every moment because he's going to be going away to college.
• 42:01
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Just that time together to slow down and listen.
• 42:07
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: I noticed, when we're quiet, when we're just present, that's when your kids open up, that's when they're a little older, that's when they want to talk.
• 42:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Just being present for that, oh my goodness, that's a flash forward for all of us.
• 42:23
  Carrie Lingenfelter: With the little ones, it's coming fast.
• 42:25
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Wow, sending you love on your Christmas morning with your senior.
• 42:31
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you, dr Jen.
• 42:33
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Yeah, it's coming, you guys, it's coming.
• 42:36
  Teal Shoop: I think one of the things that I'm really looking forward to with my two-year-old is that this year she can be more engaged.
• 42:45
  Teal Shoop: Right, she's running around, she's talking up a storm.
• 42:49
  Teal Shoop: She's already like Christmas this and Christmas that, or Christmas tree, or she's into it.
• 42:55
  Teal Shoop: Right, she gets it, she knows what's going on and I'm just like thrilled watching her be involved and involving her more.
• 43:04
  Teal Shoop: She can help decorate the tree.
• 43:05
  Teal Shoop: Right, she can wrap presents for Graham and Graham.
• 43:08
  Teal Shoop: She can help do the cookies or whatever we get up to.
• 43:11
  Teal Shoop: And my heart just overflows to just have that beautiful little soul participating and the energy of our family just exploding.
• 43:21
  Teal Shoop: These memories, the experience I get speechless over it.
• 43:25
  Teal Shoop: It's amazing.
• 43:27
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Oh, you were living in the purity phase.
• 43:29
  Carrie Lingenfelter: All of the phases have been so fun and they each have their little gifts and moments, but I think age two is one of my husband and my favorite age, so live it up.
• 43:40
  Teal Shoop: I just want more sleep.
• 43:41
  Teal Shoop: I love it, but I want more sleep.
• 43:44
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, that's true, that part gets better.
• 43:45
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Tara, did you have a favorite moment you were looking forward to?
• 43:51
  Darragh Byrne: I just love the build-up to Christmas, like the final week, and I'm going to love spending that time with my daughter.
• 43:56
  Darragh Byrne: It's like the time to be really creative and to think ahead about how you want your day or your week to go, buying all the right gifts for everybody, really thinking about how the dinner spread is going to look, and just.
• 44:06
  Darragh Byrne: I love spending that time with my daughter and making her think about other people, but then also working those personal creative muscles of what do I want Christmas to look like this year, what do we want for food, what movies are we going to watch?
• 44:18
  Darragh Byrne: All those kind of things.
• 44:19
  Darragh Byrne: I just love that time where things start slowing down and you see everybody out hustling and bustling, trying to take care of their families and you just see that collective atmosphere of kind of love and thinking of other people and, yeah, creating and what's supposed to be one of the most special days of the year.
• 44:37
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Yeah, that's so lovely.
• 44:38
  Carrie Lingenfelter: I appreciate all of you being here today.
• 44:40
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you so much for being with us and sharing all these amazing words of kindness, love, ancestry, all of these pieces to think about as our holiday season is coming in and, heart to heart, parents has had an amazing 2024.
• 44:54
  Carrie Lingenfelter: It was our first year coming out and we have felt so much love from the community, the spiritual families, people looking to grow with us and connect with us, and we're just feeling so blessed and loved this year.
• 45:07
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you so much, everyone.
• 45:09
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thank you, thank you.
• 45:10
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Happy holidays.
• 45:11
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Thank you, thanks, happy holidays.
• 45:12
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Thank you so much everyone.
• 45:13
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Thank you, thank you Happy holidays.
• 45:14
  Dr. Jennifer Shell: Thanks, happy holidays.
• 45:15
  Darragh Byrne: Thank you, yeah, happy holidays.
• 45:17
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Happy holidays.
• 45:18
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Well, that's a wrap.
• 45:20
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thanks so much for tuning in.
• 45:21
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Changemakers.
• 45:22
  Carrie Lingenfelter: This is Keri, and if you haven't done a review for us, five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes, we would really appreciate it.
• 45:33
  Carrie Lingenfelter: If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback.
• 45:38
  Carrie Lingenfelter: At info at hearttoheartlifecom, we also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share it's hearttoheartlifecom.
• 45:48
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Thanks so much for tuning in, and happy life, happy times.
• 45:52
  Carrie Lingenfelter: Changemakerfamiliescom.