Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 452. I Hate My Job, I Don’t Know What I’m Doing With My Life and Am I Compromising Too Much? (Headnoise)

Transcript

452. I Hate My Job, I Don’t Know What I’m Doing With My Life and Am I Compromising Too Much? (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:18
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to your Head Nose episode
0:22
Speaker 1: of today. So in today's episode, we are doing the
0:24
Speaker 1: Voice Male head Noise episodes. As you guys know, huge
0:28
Speaker 1: fan of these. Love hearing your voice, love hearing the
0:32
Speaker 1: accents from around the world, love hearing just like the
0:35
Speaker 1: energy and just obsessed anyway, you guys know, I love
0:39
Speaker 1: my global beans. We're like a big fucking family, We're
0:42
Speaker 1: a big community. I'm here for it. We're here to
0:44
Speaker 1: talk about all your life dilemmas, your head noise, and
0:47
Speaker 1: hopefully we unravel some of that head noise. And like
0:50
Speaker 1: I say in these head Noise episodes, it's not really
0:53
Speaker 1: about me having to give you the exact answer, but
0:56
Speaker 1: I want to get you asking yourself the questions so
1:01
Speaker 1: you can ideally come to the solution in your own
1:05
Speaker 1: way or in your own time. There's going to be
1:06
Speaker 1: sometimes where I'm being like, this is the fucking answer,
1:09
Speaker 1: you're delusional, you are smoking crack, this is what you
1:12
Speaker 1: need to do. But in general, I feel like I
1:15
Speaker 1: try and steer you to kind of come to your
1:19
Speaker 1: own conclusions through asking you different questions and like making
1:23
Speaker 1: you look at it through a different light. Sometimes we
1:24
Speaker 1: can be so so like stuck in our thought patterns
1:31
Speaker 1: or so ingrained in a problem that it's really hard
1:34
Speaker 1: to remove ourselves from it and look at it from
1:36
Speaker 1: the outside. Another reason why I love these episodes is because,
1:39
Speaker 1: even if you're not going through the exact same thing,
1:41
Speaker 1: many of the listeners say, oh my god, I was
1:44
Speaker 1: able to relate to that, even though that's not really
1:46
Speaker 1: exactly my situation. But how to deal with conflict or
1:48
Speaker 1: how to deal with, you know, this particular problem with
1:51
Speaker 1: my partner, even though if it's not that exact issue,
1:54
Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. So we're going to dive straight
1:57
Speaker 1: into it. This one the Toddle already dog bought in relationship.
2:02
Speaker 1: Let's get straight into it. Question number one.
2:06
Speaker 2: Hy Alexis. I had a question regarding a situation that
2:10
Speaker 2: I went through a few months ago. There was a
2:12
Speaker 2: gentleman that I had started to kind of date. We've
2:15
Speaker 2: been on many dates, and his dog attacked me. Come
2:20
Speaker 2: to find out, I was the third person that his
2:23
Speaker 2: dog had attacked. The dog attack was so bad that
2:27
Speaker 2: I was taken to the emergency room, and at first
2:31
Speaker 2: I was scared from wanting to continue a relationship with him.
2:35
Speaker 2: But then I decided, Okay, I really like this guy,
2:38
Speaker 2: let me see if there's something there. A few months
2:41
Speaker 2: go by and we still are continuing to see one another,
2:44
Speaker 2: and then eventually I did make the decision to cut
2:47
Speaker 2: the relationship off because he kept saying that he was
2:51
Speaker 2: going to find a home for the dog, and he
2:55
Speaker 2: never did. He still says he's working on it, But
2:59
Speaker 2: like I said, I had to cut the relationship off
3:01
Speaker 2: because I didn't see that movement from him. I didn't
3:04
Speaker 2: see that his actions and words were lining up in
3:07
Speaker 2: a timeframe that I thought was appropriate. I'm having second
3:11
Speaker 2: thoughts and wondering did I cut somebody who was a
3:14
Speaker 2: great guy out of my life? And I can't seem
3:17
Speaker 2: to stop thinking about him. However, there were things like
3:22
Speaker 2: emotional intelligence that I felt like was lacking, and just
3:26
Speaker 2: the safety issues regarding the dog. Am I wrong for this?
3:31
Speaker 2: Should I have waited a little bit longer?
3:33
Speaker 1: Okay, great question, Look are you wrong for it? No? No,
3:37
Speaker 1: I think we always have to look at what people's
3:41
Speaker 1: driver is, what people's priorities are. You know, everyone's going
3:45
Speaker 1: to approach situations from a completely different angle, and you
3:48
Speaker 1: also have to honor what's most important to you. Okay,
3:51
Speaker 1: you've got to acknowledge that and honor that because you
3:53
Speaker 1: don't want to find yourself down the line making compromises
3:56
Speaker 1: that were too big and bigger compromises than you were
3:58
Speaker 1: willing to make. So let's first look at the dog situation. Okay,
4:02
Speaker 1: I feel like when it's someone's dog, when it comes
4:08
Speaker 1: to the crunch of rehoming your pet, I actually think
4:11
Speaker 1: that would be really, really, really fucking hard to do.
4:14
Speaker 1: Whether it's the right thing or wrong thing that I'm
4:15
Speaker 1: not talking about that, I'm talking about rehoming your pet.
4:18
Speaker 1: If I had to rehome Habib because he bit someone,
4:22
Speaker 1: I would be in a fucking asylum. Like I'd be
4:24
Speaker 1: so devastating. Look, I don't know how I would deal
4:26
Speaker 1: with that, right, So maybe this guy said it to you,
4:30
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I need to rehome it, but deep down
4:33
Speaker 1: thinking well, I don't actually want to rehome my dog.
4:35
Speaker 1: Maybe I say that to keep her at bay. We'll
4:38
Speaker 1: see the dog get used to her, get more comfortable.
4:41
Speaker 1: Then she's going to realize maybe this is what's going
4:42
Speaker 1: on in his head. Maybe she's going to realize that
4:44
Speaker 1: the dog was just reactive. But now that the dog
4:47
Speaker 1: likes her, it's not going to snap anymore. And this
4:49
Speaker 1: and that maybe he's gone through this whole process in
4:52
Speaker 1: his head to be like, I need to keep stalling
4:55
Speaker 1: this so he can keep my dog but also date
4:59
Speaker 1: this woman. That's a possibility. I just feel like if
5:04
Speaker 1: he's not done much to rehun the dog, it's because
5:06
Speaker 1: he can't bring himself to do it. And you have
5:09
Speaker 1: to accept that if that's the case, because people adore
5:14
Speaker 1: their pets and it's not they easier said than done. Again,
5:17
Speaker 1: is it the right or wrong thing? I'm not talking
5:19
Speaker 1: about what's right and what's wrong as far that's not
5:22
Speaker 1: what we're talking about. We're talking about his perspective of
5:25
Speaker 1: the situation and how he might be going through it. Okay,
5:28
Speaker 1: from your perspective, you just need a straight up answer,
5:32
Speaker 1: whether you like the answer or not. Okay, it's not
5:35
Speaker 1: that you need the answer that you want to hear.
5:37
Speaker 1: You need an honest answer. So if I were you,
5:41
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is something that's even worth revisiting,
5:44
Speaker 1: or you think, well, it's now in the past, what
5:46
Speaker 1: would I've done, you know in hindsight, But if there's
5:48
Speaker 1: the opportunity of revisiting this, I would just say to him, listen,
5:53
Speaker 1: don't tell me what I want to hear. Tell me
5:55
Speaker 1: your honest answer. Are you genuinely not willing to rehun
5:59
Speaker 1: that dog because that dog is your baby and you
6:02
Speaker 1: can't do it? And I, you know, like, as long
6:05
Speaker 1: as I have all the information in front of me,
6:08
Speaker 1: then I will be able to make an informed decision
6:10
Speaker 1: of what I want to do with this relationship. Because
6:12
Speaker 1: if you stand here and say, listen, I've actually thought
6:15
Speaker 1: long and hard about it. It was definitely easier said
6:18
Speaker 1: than done. And I've come to the conclusion that I
6:20
Speaker 1: cannot read home this dog. I love this dog too much.
6:22
Speaker 1: I can't get rid of it. Well, as much as
6:24
Speaker 1: I dislike that, I now have something to work with.
6:27
Speaker 1: I've got honesty, and now I now can decide do
6:30
Speaker 1: I want to work on this relationship while slowly getting
6:34
Speaker 1: more and more comfortable with this dog? Is this just
6:37
Speaker 1: beyond a boundary that I'm willing to cross because you
6:40
Speaker 1: should be putting me in front of the dog. But
6:42
Speaker 1: you have an answer, Okay, So I think the number
6:45
Speaker 1: one priority is you need to get an honest answer
6:47
Speaker 1: out of this guy. Because when someone keeps postponing and
6:50
Speaker 1: postponing and postponing. There's a reason why they're doing that.
6:54
Speaker 1: It's out of fear. It's out if they're hoping that
6:56
Speaker 1: you forget, They're hoping that you change your mind. They're
6:58
Speaker 1: hoping all these things. Okay, if he's not actioning it
7:01
Speaker 1: straight away, there is a reason for it. And I
7:03
Speaker 1: think before you ask did I throw it away? Did
7:06
Speaker 1: I whatever? You need to understand that reason because you're
7:09
Speaker 1: also wasting your time. If for you, the dog is
7:11
Speaker 1: a deal breaker. If you're like, I'm not dating this
7:13
Speaker 1: person when the dog is in the picture. If that's
7:15
Speaker 1: where you are at, then you going back trying to
7:19
Speaker 1: rekindle things, trying to whatever. When he's not reached out
7:22
Speaker 1: to you, you're digging yourself in a hole because you
7:25
Speaker 1: ended it because he didn't get rid of the dog.
7:27
Speaker 1: If you then say, oh, did I end some things?
7:30
Speaker 1: You know when I should have, and then you go
7:31
Speaker 1: back with him but still have the expectation of him
7:34
Speaker 1: getting rid of the dog, then you're just hurting yourself
7:38
Speaker 1: because he let you walk away. He was accepting off
7:42
Speaker 1: the fact that he would lose you in order to
7:45
Speaker 1: keep the dog. Again. I'm not here to judge whether
7:48
Speaker 1: that's right or wrong, that's irrelevant. The point is that
7:51
Speaker 1: he was like, you know what, I've chosen to keep
7:53
Speaker 1: the dog, which means I get to lose her. If
7:55
Speaker 1: you now come back, you don't have to let You
7:57
Speaker 1: don't have a leg to stand on as far as
7:59
Speaker 1: you now have to get rid of the dog. Because
8:01
Speaker 1: he was already willing to lose you to keep the dog.
8:03
Speaker 1: You know that he wants to keep the dog above
8:05
Speaker 1: everything else. So if you decide, you know what, maybe
8:09
Speaker 1: I could live with this dog, maybe we could work
8:11
Speaker 1: around it, maybe the dog could get some training, maybe
8:14
Speaker 1: all these things, then I think it's worth you revisiting
8:17
Speaker 1: and speaking to him about it. But if you're entering
8:20
Speaker 1: this thing being like, no, I want to be with him,
8:21
Speaker 1: but he needs to get rid of the dog, then
8:23
Speaker 1: you you're fighting a losing battle. I wouldn't bother. I
8:25
Speaker 1: would not bother. The only way you should return to
8:28
Speaker 1: this guy based on his actions, based on what he's
8:30
Speaker 1: shown you, is if you are willing to accept that
8:32
Speaker 1: he's not going to rehumb that dog. Okay, And again,
8:37
Speaker 1: whether that's right or whether that's wrong, that is not
8:39
Speaker 1: up to me to say. So, Yeah, it's a hard one,
8:43
Speaker 1: but I think you know, if there's already that plus emotional,
8:47
Speaker 1: you know, intelligence and immaturity and all of that going
8:50
Speaker 1: on that's doing your head in, maybe this ultimately was
8:53
Speaker 1: the right thing for you. All right.
8:56
Speaker 3: Next question, Hi alexis hi from the United States. I
9:02
Speaker 3: could use some advice on just a little live situation
9:05
Speaker 3: that I'm currently going through. Little background, Well, first off,
9:09
Speaker 3: I love your podcast, so thank you for everything. Been
9:11
Speaker 3: a long time listener. But little background is I'm a
9:14
Speaker 3: mom of three and I could just really use some
9:17
Speaker 3: advice on just something that I'm kind of going through currently,
9:21
Speaker 3: some big live transitions. My two oldest children are in
9:24
Speaker 3: school and my youngest, who is too just start to
9:27
Speaker 3: take care. For the last two and a half years,
9:30
Speaker 3: I've been working from home, so I've been with all
9:33
Speaker 3: three kids pretty much every day the last two and
9:36
Speaker 3: a half years, especially my two year old. Now I
9:41
Speaker 3: am starting nursing school in two weeks and we had
9:43
Speaker 3: to put our youngest in daycare. Even though my older
9:46
Speaker 3: two have been in school for a while. This transition
9:49
Speaker 3: has been really hard on me. Our whole family is
9:51
Speaker 3: adjusting to new routines, different schedules, and me not being
9:55
Speaker 3: home like I used to be. I'm really struggling with
9:58
Speaker 3: a lot of mom guilt. Leaving my kids and a
10:00
Speaker 3: care teachers and a care providers while I focus on
10:03
Speaker 3: rebuilding my career, finishing school. All of that just feels
10:07
Speaker 3: really really heavy. I want to chase the stream, but
10:10
Speaker 3: I feel torn between motherhood and my goals. I'm also
10:14
Speaker 3: having a hard time adjusting being away from them so
10:18
Speaker 3: much after being together all the time. So yeah, So
10:22
Speaker 3: if you have any advice on how to cope with
10:23
Speaker 3: the mom guilt, adapting to a new routine, and any
10:27
Speaker 3: advice on finding more balance during such a big life change,
10:30
Speaker 3: I really appreciate it. Thank you.
10:32
Speaker 1: Okay, very good question, and thank you for sending that through.
10:37
Speaker 1: I think we need to separate two things here. There
10:40
Speaker 1: is the difference between struggling to adjust, which is just
10:42
Speaker 1: that's just a natural thing that you're going to go through,
10:46
Speaker 1: where you struggle to go from I spent all this
10:50
Speaker 1: time with my two year old to now having that
10:53
Speaker 1: time apart. There's that struggle if I find it really
10:56
Speaker 1: hard to have. That's one thing that will exist regardless,
10:59
Speaker 1: and you just adapt as you go. So I don't
11:01
Speaker 1: think you need to try and like push those feelings
11:04
Speaker 1: down and not feel them and think that it's wrong
11:06
Speaker 1: to feel them'. That's just something that's going to exist
11:08
Speaker 1: where you are adapting, as we have to adapt to
11:11
Speaker 1: many many, many, many many times over through many seasons. Especially,
11:14
Speaker 1: I think with parenting there's even more seasons lay it
11:17
Speaker 1: on because there's so many different you know, eras that
11:20
Speaker 1: your child would go through that you've constantly got to
11:22
Speaker 1: like grieve one era and enter the next one, and
11:24
Speaker 1: grieve one and enter the next one. Versus mum guilt. Okay,
11:29
Speaker 1: they're two separate things. So I think the how do
11:32
Speaker 1: you adjust? Getting to adjust that's going to be a
11:34
Speaker 1: time thing. That's just going to be, you know, give
11:37
Speaker 1: it time, honor those feelings, allow yourself to you know,
11:39
Speaker 1: I allow yourself to be like it is sad. I
11:42
Speaker 1: can have this sad moment of like, well, you know
11:45
Speaker 1: that era has now ended, especially if it's your last kid.
11:47
Speaker 1: You're like, well, now that's the end of an era
11:48
Speaker 1: for me. And I'm allowed to be upset about that.
11:51
Speaker 1: But I don't want you to melt that in together
11:54
Speaker 1: with mum guilt, because they are two completely separate things.
11:56
Speaker 1: The mum. Guilt is telling you that you should feel
12:00
Speaker 1: feel guilty for something, so that you need to break
12:03
Speaker 1: that apart, crack it open and have a look at like,
12:06
Speaker 1: why is there a guilt? Is it that I'm doing
12:09
Speaker 1: something wrong and I should be doing something else? Is
12:12
Speaker 1: it that there's this expectation on me and now I'm
12:15
Speaker 1: going against that expectation? Who set that expectation? You've got
12:19
Speaker 1: to look at all these things. And one thing, when
12:22
Speaker 1: we look at raising children and family, like both parents
12:26
Speaker 1: raising the children, you seldom hear about dad guilt because
12:31
Speaker 1: it all comes down to expectation. Right, there's the expectation
12:36
Speaker 1: that the dad continues working and he then goes gets
12:39
Speaker 1: off like Scott free, having never having to deal with
12:42
Speaker 1: dad guilt because there's not the expectation, okay, And the
12:47
Speaker 1: way I look at it is try and flip the tables,
12:50
Speaker 1: turn the tables or whatever, or flip the script or whatever.
12:54
Speaker 1: If this was your child's would you want your child
12:57
Speaker 1: pursuing their dreams? Or would you want your child to
13:00
Speaker 1: be a stay at home parent? Right? Like, what point
13:04
Speaker 1: do our you know, part of our individual selves have
13:08
Speaker 1: to completely die for somebody else. I think you can
13:11
Speaker 1: and I'm speaking from the perspective of a child that
13:14
Speaker 1: grew up with both parents working. I loved to see
13:17
Speaker 1: my mum work. She was a hard worker. She instilled
13:21
Speaker 1: that in us and not like And again, I'm not
13:23
Speaker 1: comparing what's better a stay at home mom or a
13:26
Speaker 1: working mom. There is, but I'm saying that from the
13:28
Speaker 1: perspective of a child who had a working mother. I
13:31
Speaker 1: never felt unloved. I never felt that she wasn't there enough.
13:34
Speaker 1: I always felt all my needs were met, always right. So,
13:38
Speaker 1: and she loved her job, loves she still works right
13:41
Speaker 1: and so I don't think genuinely, genuinely, I don't think
13:45
Speaker 1: it's unhealthy to be working while you're raising children. I'm
13:49
Speaker 1: gonna be working when I raise my children one hundred percent.
13:52
Speaker 1: So I think when you look at the guilt side
13:54
Speaker 1: of things, you need to really analyze that guilt and say,
13:58
Speaker 1: is it guilty purely because this is expect and I
14:00
Speaker 1: need to reassess that expectation. Am I still being a
14:03
Speaker 1: great parent when I am with the children. And I
14:06
Speaker 1: would imagine that the answer is yes, Because you adore
14:08
Speaker 1: your children. You know when you see them, you're engaging
14:11
Speaker 1: with them, You're you know, there's there's so much that
14:14
Speaker 1: your children are going to benefit from, you know, their
14:16
Speaker 1: other relationships as well, teachers, you know, other peers, their
14:20
Speaker 1: father you know, children have you know, for the most part,
14:23
Speaker 1: are going to have access to many influencers and careers
14:26
Speaker 1: and and you know, childcare workers in their life. And
14:30
Speaker 1: I don't think that you have to tell yourself that
14:32
Speaker 1: if you know, if you're not there twenty four seven,
14:34
Speaker 1: then you're doing them a disservice because I don't believe that. Well,
14:38
Speaker 1: I mean, there are people under them believe that, but
14:40
Speaker 1: I personally don't believe that. And also from a psychological
14:44
Speaker 1: standpoint as well, your children are you know, they're not
14:48
Speaker 1: worse off if you are focusing on your career. And
14:52
Speaker 1: another thing that we know for a fact, if you
14:55
Speaker 1: are feeling really happy within yourself, if you are feeling driven,
14:59
Speaker 1: if your starf like you're starting this nursing career, you're
15:01
Speaker 1: doing this career for you, but also for your family,
15:05
Speaker 1: right because ultimately, why do we do what we do
15:09
Speaker 1: to make money. It's to provide for ourselves and our family, right,
15:12
Speaker 1: So you're doing it for yourself but also for your family.
15:16
Speaker 1: You're you know, you're gaining this personal growth. You're feeling good.
15:19
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you that will bleed through in every
15:23
Speaker 1: other area of your life. When you start to feel
15:25
Speaker 1: good about yourself, good about your achievements, good about what
15:28
Speaker 1: you're doing, You're noticing growth, you're achieving things. That's fucking
15:31
Speaker 1: healthy and it's good for your mental health as well.
15:34
Speaker 1: So I think that the transitioning is a natural thing
15:38
Speaker 1: you're going to go through. You can't avoid those feelings.
15:41
Speaker 1: You need to feel the feelings and feel them and
15:42
Speaker 1: acknowledge them as just that's fair because you've gone from
15:46
Speaker 1: twenty four seven to not So that's completely understandable and
15:51
Speaker 1: that will go with time. But then the guilt thing.
15:54
Speaker 1: Every time you feel the guild, pause and ask yourself,
15:57
Speaker 1: where is this coming from? What's the expectation? Do I
15:59
Speaker 1: agree with that expectation? Do I disagree with the expectation?
16:02
Speaker 1: And then why is it that other people don't have
16:04
Speaker 1: to feel this way? Why is it that this expectation
16:06
Speaker 1: is put on the mother. I'm not the father, or
16:08
Speaker 1: you know, That's how I would look at it, because
16:11
Speaker 1: you know, I've got friends. I was sitting, you know,
16:14
Speaker 1: with some friends and they've got kids, and one of
16:16
Speaker 1: them was saying, you know, I just got back to work,
16:18
Speaker 1: and I found it like the two days that I
16:21
Speaker 1: started going back to work full time in the office,
16:23
Speaker 1: like I was struggling with that guilt. And then she
16:25
Speaker 1: looked at one of my other friends and said, like,
16:27
Speaker 1: you would know what that feels like. And my other
16:28
Speaker 1: friend was like, nah, I never I didn't feel the guilt.
16:31
Speaker 1: She's like, what's it to feel guilty about. I'm a
16:33
Speaker 1: good mom. He loves daycare. When I'm take him to
16:35
Speaker 1: day care, he barely turns around. He's like sea and
16:38
Speaker 1: he's having fun. He's playing. I love my job. I
16:41
Speaker 1: go into the office, I slay, I love it. She's like,
16:43
Speaker 1: I've got nothing to feel guilty about. So I can't
16:45
Speaker 1: relate because I didn't feel that way. So you know
16:47
Speaker 1: what I mean, It's like, who can be the best
16:50
Speaker 1: fucking mum. You can give your child the best fucking
16:53
Speaker 1: life and you don't have to feel that guilt for
16:56
Speaker 1: doing something for yourself which is ultimately going to benefit
16:58
Speaker 1: the whole family anyway, So hopefully that helped. That is
17:01
Speaker 1: saying it from my perspective, since since all right, next question.
17:15
Speaker 4: Hey Lexus, this is Calum from Florida in the United States.
17:20
Speaker 4: I just want to say, firstly, thank you so much
17:23
Speaker 4: for your podcast. It has helped me immensely. While I
17:27
Speaker 4: still have so much growing to do. I just really
17:29
Speaker 4: appreciate your words of wisdom, and yeah, thank you so much.
17:36
Speaker 4: Just to briefly get into it, basically, I had a
17:38
Speaker 4: job working for a dog grooming business with a friend
17:43
Speaker 4: of mine and I worked there for about a year
17:45
Speaker 4: and a half. While it wasn't awful, I started, you know,
17:49
Speaker 4: wanting to venture out. So I got a remote position
17:54
Speaker 4: that took me a while to get as the job
17:56
Speaker 4: market is kind of shitty right now. I had my
17:59
Speaker 4: first week and I'm like, fuck, like what am I doing?
18:05
Speaker 4: I don't want to be doing this with my life.
18:08
Speaker 4: It's basically like medical reviewing, that you know kind of thing.
18:12
Speaker 4: And I'm just like they were kind of just the
18:14
Speaker 4: first people to get back to me, and so I
18:15
Speaker 4: took the job. And now I'm like, fuck, there's a
18:20
Speaker 4: possibility I could go back to my old job, but
18:22
Speaker 4: I'm not sure yet. I do have something else to
18:24
Speaker 4: fall back on if push comes a shove. But am
18:28
Speaker 4: I a fucking idiot for saying?
18:32
Speaker 1: Fuck this?
18:33
Speaker 4: Anything helps, Thank you so much.
18:35
Speaker 1: Okay, great, great, great, great question. No, you absolutely not.
18:39
Speaker 1: You're not a fuck with saying fuck this, not at all.
18:42
Speaker 1: You know. This is what life is all about. It's
18:45
Speaker 1: about trial and error, and there's gonna be error, error, error, trial, success.
18:49
Speaker 1: This is what it's about. The worse than this is
18:53
Speaker 1: sitting in the what if, in the wondering in the
18:55
Speaker 1: what could happen? So good on you. You should be happy
18:58
Speaker 1: with yourself, you know what. Thank fuck. I did it
19:00
Speaker 1: and I tried it, and it took me only a
19:03
Speaker 1: week to be like, this is fucking shit. Because there's
19:05
Speaker 1: a difference between starting a job knowing that there's a
19:09
Speaker 1: light at the end of the tunnel, but struggling being like, oh,
19:12
Speaker 1: the teething phases of this job is really hard, but
19:14
Speaker 1: I know that once I get my head around it,
19:17
Speaker 1: it's going to be a really pleasant experience versus what
19:20
Speaker 1: you're going through, which is I've started and I'm in
19:22
Speaker 1: an industry and I know, deep down, I fucking know
19:26
Speaker 1: for a fact that this is bullshit and hate it
19:29
Speaker 1: and I don't like anything about it. There's no light
19:31
Speaker 1: at the end of the tunnel. There's no one in
19:33
Speaker 1: this industry that I aspire to be like, I just
19:37
Speaker 1: don't like it. I don't like it. Maybe you liked
19:39
Speaker 1: the idea that it was remote and that was the
19:41
Speaker 1: tempting thing, But then when you really like stop and
19:44
Speaker 1: analyze everything else about it as shit. So I think
19:46
Speaker 1: you should actually be pleased with yourself that not only
19:49
Speaker 1: did you do it, you went through the interview process,
19:51
Speaker 1: you ended up getting the job. You've never tried it.
19:53
Speaker 1: You've tried it, you've seen it from an angle that
19:55
Speaker 1: you would never have known had you never gotten the job,
19:58
Speaker 1: and you have your answer. It's fine for you to
20:01
Speaker 1: have an answer in a week. You know, you've got
20:02
Speaker 1: to also listen to like what your gut is telling you.
20:05
Speaker 1: So if it's a no, it's a fucking no. We
20:08
Speaker 1: need to get out of here now. The question you've
20:10
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself is I'm now in a sweet
20:12
Speaker 1: spot here where I can start something fresh. But like
20:16
Speaker 1: you said, the job market is shit, so we need
20:17
Speaker 1: to appreciate and acknowledge that, or I can go back
20:21
Speaker 1: to something else. Now you've got two potential fallbacks. You've
20:24
Speaker 1: got the dog rooming. Fucking love dogs so adorable, Love
20:28
Speaker 1: that so much. And then you've got this other thing
20:30
Speaker 1: that you said you could fall back on when it
20:32
Speaker 1: comes to the dog rooming thing. I guess you've got
20:34
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, if I was to go back to
20:37
Speaker 1: the dog rooming, would it be a temporary fallback until
20:41
Speaker 1: I find something else, or would it be No, I
20:45
Speaker 1: would re enter this job with like a fresher perspective,
20:49
Speaker 1: and I could probably see myself being there for a
20:51
Speaker 1: little bit longer, enjoying it a bit more because I'm
20:55
Speaker 1: approaching it in a different way, Like, you know, what
20:57
Speaker 1: would be my intentions if I had the opport you
21:00
Speaker 1: need to return back to that job, or am I
21:02
Speaker 1: better off going with this other fallback or something completely different?
21:07
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Because I'm all for
21:09
Speaker 1: going back to something if we've like reassessed, rehashed, regrouped,
21:14
Speaker 1: and thought, you know what, I can return to that
21:16
Speaker 1: old thing because I think I'm going to enjoy it
21:18
Speaker 1: better this time. I think I'm going to I'm going
21:19
Speaker 1: to do it differently this time round. I'm all for that.
21:22
Speaker 1: But if you're in this position where you're like, oh God,
21:26
Speaker 1: I hate where I'm at, and like I didn't like
21:28
Speaker 1: where I was at before, but it wasn't the worst
21:30
Speaker 1: thing in the world. Now, I'll just go back. Then
21:32
Speaker 1: I would try and get something completely new. Okay, I
21:35
Speaker 1: would be looking at the other fallback plan and try
21:38
Speaker 1: something new. But I think if you know for a
21:40
Speaker 1: fact that you hate where you're at, get the fuck
21:43
Speaker 1: out of there. You know you already know the answer.
21:45
Speaker 1: The last thing you want is to like, you know,
21:48
Speaker 1: wither away into a number for human being, being in
21:50
Speaker 1: a job that you know you hated from day one,
21:53
Speaker 1: and then it's like six months down the line and
21:54
Speaker 1: you're like, the fuck am I doing with my life?
21:56
Speaker 1: So yes, get out of that job absolutely, And then
22:01
Speaker 1: really is it is about the other two? This also
22:03
Speaker 1: gives you a chance to read group to be like, well,
22:05
Speaker 1: now I can eliminate that I don't want to be
22:07
Speaker 1: in that industry. I know for a fact I don't
22:08
Speaker 1: want to be in that industry. So now what other industries?
22:12
Speaker 1: Knowing what I know, with the lessons that I learned,
22:15
Speaker 1: what does align with what I want? Okay? I realized that,
22:17
Speaker 1: you know, remotes maybe not what I want, or maybe
22:20
Speaker 1: I loved the remote aspect of it. That's the only
22:22
Speaker 1: thing I liked. You know, this The Medical Review industry,
22:25
Speaker 1: fucking hate that shit. So maybe I need to be
22:27
Speaker 1: doing something where it's more social. Maybe I need to
22:29
Speaker 1: be dealing more with people. Maybe you know, what is
22:32
Speaker 1: it that you loved about the dog grooming aspects off it?
22:35
Speaker 1: You know broader? So you can then apply that to
22:37
Speaker 1: other things, and what is it that you hated about
22:39
Speaker 1: this new job, and then you can start formulating what
22:41
Speaker 1: works for you. So when I like quit acting and
22:44
Speaker 1: you know, did the whole you know, went into fitness
22:47
Speaker 1: and all of that, one thing that I realized I
22:48
Speaker 1: love to talk, I enjoy interacting with people and helping
22:53
Speaker 1: people or like guiding people. But I also liked the
22:58
Speaker 1: academic side. So then I started and choosing and being like,
23:01
Speaker 1: all right, I can now look broadly at what I
23:03
Speaker 1: actually do like and what I don't like, and instead
23:06
Speaker 1: of getting too specific on a job option, you can
23:08
Speaker 1: broaden your horizons and be like, given that I now
23:11
Speaker 1: have a better understanding, thanks to this fucked job, of
23:14
Speaker 1: what I like, what I don't like, what aligns with me,
23:17
Speaker 1: what doesn't align with me, I could probably start going
23:19
Speaker 1: for jobs that I never even thought I would go
23:21
Speaker 1: for based on this new knowledge that I've uncovered about myself.
23:25
Speaker 1: So this is a good thing. Okay, don't look at
23:28
Speaker 1: it as a waste, don't look at as you being
23:29
Speaker 1: an idiot being like Yep, I've now gained more understanding
23:32
Speaker 1: of what I want, what I don't want, what works
23:34
Speaker 1: for me, what doesn't work for me. So this is
23:36
Speaker 1: a good thing. So keep looking and then at the
23:40
Speaker 1: temporarily leave this job, see which one out of the
23:43
Speaker 1: two is the better option for you, you know, for
23:46
Speaker 1: the medium term, and start putting your feelers out for
23:49
Speaker 1: jobs that you probably never really thought would be an
23:53
Speaker 1: option for you. Okay, but thank you for sending in
23:57
Speaker 1: your voice message.
23:59
Speaker 5: Next question, hilexis I just want to ask for some advice.
24:07
Speaker 5: My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and
24:08
Speaker 5: a half years, and obviously things are getting serious and
24:12
Speaker 5: we are talking more about the future together, and I
24:15
Speaker 5: just wanted to ask, when you know the person you're
24:18
Speaker 5: with is the one, how do you know that? I
24:23
Speaker 5: feel that sometimes we have different thoughts on opinions on things.
24:27
Speaker 5: We are very both indecisive, so it's hard to come
24:30
Speaker 5: to decisions together. He likes hiking and traveling and I'm
24:34
Speaker 5: more of a homebody. And yeah, we've been compromising a lot,
24:41
Speaker 5: But when is the Is there such a thing as
24:44
Speaker 5: compromising too much? So yeah, let me know your thoughts.
24:49
Speaker 5: Thank you love your podcast.
24:51
Speaker 1: Right question, Is there a thing? Is there such a
24:53
Speaker 1: thing as compromising too much? Absolutely?
24:55
Speaker 5: There is.
24:56
Speaker 1: When you start to lose your sense of self who
25:00
Speaker 1: you are, when you start to give away aspects that
25:03
Speaker 1: are really important to you just to please somebody else
25:08
Speaker 1: or to make someone else feel like comfortable or unthreatened,
25:12
Speaker 1: then you're compromising too much. I wouldn't see the fact
25:16
Speaker 1: that he enjoys hiking and all of that and you
25:18
Speaker 1: being a homebody as an issue. You know, I think
25:21
Speaker 1: that I actually like it when couples have differences in
25:24
Speaker 1: their hobbies. I think it's actually quite healthy. Not to
25:27
Speaker 1: say that it's unhealthy if you share the same hobbies,
25:30
Speaker 1: but I think it's actually really good to have your
25:31
Speaker 1: own hobbies because, like I was mentioning in a previous
25:34
Speaker 1: Head Noise episode, I think last week's head Noise episode,
25:37
Speaker 1: really encouraging independent hobbies and goals and dreams in the
25:42
Speaker 1: other person is really healthy because you maintain that independence
25:47
Speaker 1: and level of autonomy within a relationship. So I don't
25:50
Speaker 1: think that in itself is an issue, but I think
25:52
Speaker 1: what you're like, I do understand that what you're saying
25:55
Speaker 1: is that there's just quite a few differences between you
25:57
Speaker 1: in the relationship, and it's quite obvious that you're more
26:01
Speaker 1: different than what you are alike. And you asked, when
26:05
Speaker 1: do you know if someone is like you're forever? And look,
26:11
Speaker 1: that's a really hard question. I guess for me personally,
26:16
Speaker 1: it's when I can't see a future without that person.
26:19
Speaker 1: If I imagine myself through many stages of my life, I
26:23
Speaker 1: can genuinely see myself growing older with this person. I
26:27
Speaker 1: can see myself going through struggles with this person and
26:31
Speaker 1: they support me and I can support them. I can
26:33
Speaker 1: see myself overcoming conflict with this person. I can see
26:38
Speaker 1: myself having really fun times with this person but then
26:42
Speaker 1: overcoming hard times. I can see them being my rock
26:46
Speaker 1: and also I'm me willing and wanting to be that
26:50
Speaker 1: for them. Right. So, because a relationship is obviously like
26:54
Speaker 1: multi multifaceted, so you want to look into the future
26:57
Speaker 1: and say, in my mind, does this person fit into
27:02
Speaker 1: what I see for my future, you know, like the
27:05
Speaker 1: good times and the bad times. So that's one thing,
27:08
Speaker 1: because you also just don't want to stay with someone
27:09
Speaker 1: because of old time sake. You've got to look into
27:12
Speaker 1: the future and say, do I want this for my future?
27:14
Speaker 1: Because it's all well and good that we've been together
27:16
Speaker 1: for two years. For some people it's fucking ten years.
27:18
Speaker 1: And then you end up staying with this person because
27:20
Speaker 1: it's like, well, my alternative is being single and starting
27:23
Speaker 1: from scratch. So then you end up staying with someone
27:25
Speaker 1: that you're not actually thrilled with, just because you don't
27:27
Speaker 1: want the alternative of the unknown. Right, But how do
27:30
Speaker 1: you know if someone's your person forever? I would look
27:33
Speaker 1: into the future and say, do I think this person
27:35
Speaker 1: is a candidate where we could enter the future together
27:38
Speaker 1: as a team. Okay, if you feel like you're losing
27:42
Speaker 1: your sense of self in this relationship, ask yourself, did
27:45
Speaker 1: that start feeling this way? Because obviously not at the beginning,
27:49
Speaker 1: And that's fair enough to not know what in the beginning,
27:51
Speaker 1: because you're learning someone, you're getting to know them. You know,
27:54
Speaker 1: you're working out who each other is, so you're not
27:56
Speaker 1: going to know that straight away. But once you really
27:58
Speaker 1: learnt this person's character who they are, which takes months,
28:02
Speaker 1: a couple of months, three months, six months, did I
28:06
Speaker 1: ever feel like, really, let's be honest, did I ever
28:09
Speaker 1: feel like I was truly happy within myself in this relationship?
28:15
Speaker 1: Because you might coldly look back and be like, you
28:19
Speaker 1: know what, No, I never did. But because we've been
28:23
Speaker 1: together for two years, I look at it as like
28:24
Speaker 1: a successful relationship because we've been together for two years.
28:27
Speaker 1: But really I never felt myself flourished as an individual,
28:30
Speaker 1: and I never felt that I could be that person
28:32
Speaker 1: for them. We're just together because we're compatible enough, and
28:36
Speaker 1: then that's it. You know, like you got to ask
28:37
Speaker 1: yourself this hard questions because you're already, like I mean,
28:39
Speaker 1: obviously you're thinking about it, like is this my future?
28:41
Speaker 1: Is it not? And I'm you know, I'm here to
28:44
Speaker 1: tell you that it's never going to be a black
28:47
Speaker 1: and white answer, especially for when there's like nothing catastrophic
28:50
Speaker 1: has gone wrong in the relationship and you're looking down
28:53
Speaker 1: the lens of your future. You pretty much have to
28:56
Speaker 1: ask yourself, you know, based on what I know from
28:59
Speaker 1: the last two years, based on what I've learned about
29:01
Speaker 1: my partner's character, is this the person I'm not looking
29:06
Speaker 1: at potential, I'm not looking at what they could be
29:10
Speaker 1: based on what I know, the information that I have,
29:12
Speaker 1: and the dynamic that we have in our relationship, the
29:15
Speaker 1: fact that we're different, the fact that I feel on
29:17
Speaker 1: compromising a lot, the knowledge that I have in the
29:19
Speaker 1: last two years. Is this the person that I can't
29:22
Speaker 1: see my future without? Because if you can see your
29:24
Speaker 1: future without this person, ask yourself why and in what
29:29
Speaker 1: scenarios are you envisaging your future with this person? Isn't there?
29:32
Speaker 1: Is it because they're not a good rock? Is it
29:34
Speaker 1: because you're like I, actually, there's all these things I
29:37
Speaker 1: want to do with my life and I'd like to
29:38
Speaker 1: do it with a partner, and they just wouldn't do
29:41
Speaker 1: it with me, or vice versa, Like I know that
29:44
Speaker 1: he wants to do all this shit and would love
29:46
Speaker 1: to do it with a partner, and I'm just not
29:47
Speaker 1: that person for him. Okay, but you've got to be
29:50
Speaker 1: looking forward and not backwards. Stop focusing on like what
29:53
Speaker 1: you could be like you know, oh my god, but
29:55
Speaker 1: it's been this much time, and think, hey, now I've
29:58
Speaker 1: got the knowledge, which is a great place to be in.
30:01
Speaker 1: What do I do with that information? Because if I
30:03
Speaker 1: do nothing with the information, if I see here just
30:05
Speaker 1: like you know, focusing on someone's potential, then I could
30:08
Speaker 1: be five years down the line feeling the exact same way.
30:11
Speaker 1: But yes, there is such thing as compromising too much.
30:15
Speaker 1: If you feel like you've lost your sense of self,
30:17
Speaker 1: if you feel like you can't differentiate you as an
30:21
Speaker 1: individual versus you and the relationship, then I think you've
30:24
Speaker 1: got to start asking yourself questions like when did it happen,
30:26
Speaker 1: why is this happening? And can I get my sense
30:29
Speaker 1: of self back? Or does it require me not being
30:31
Speaker 1: in this relationship to feel like myself again? Okay, so
30:34
Speaker 1: ask yourself those questions and see how it sits with you. Obviously,
30:37
Speaker 1: I don't have like a specific insight into your relationship
30:41
Speaker 1: and the good great parts of it, so I can't
30:43
Speaker 1: give you a straight up answer, but yeah, I think
30:46
Speaker 1: those questions will hopefully help you come to an answer
30:49
Speaker 1: for yourself. Guys, thank you so much for tuning into
30:52
Speaker 1: today's head Noise episode. As always, well, before I say that,
30:57
Speaker 1: as always, fucking If you want to send in your
31:00
Speaker 1: voice messages, we've got the website dear wifempod dot com
31:04
Speaker 1: where you can go and send in your question, or
31:08
Speaker 1: you can email through a question at info at dear
31:10
Speaker 1: wifempod dot com. Love you guys so much. Thank you
31:13
Speaker 1: to my global beans and my domestic beans. As always,
31:16
Speaker 1: remember becind to yourself, be cont your brain, don't text
31:19
Speaker 1: shit from anyone, and especially don't text shit from yourself.
31:23
Speaker 1: Duncer