Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep26: Laughs with Kathleen/ 35 Minutes of Comedy Gold 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep26: Laughs with Kathleen/ 35 Minutes of Comedy Gold 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you guys so much for coming out and this uh took me 25 years to have enough say so to well where do you want a taper special?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_05: We have to go here, you have to go there.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_05: And now finally I am old enough where I go, no no, we're gonna go where I wanna go.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_05: And they go, where do you wanna go?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_05: I said, I wanna go to Detroit.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_05: And they said, why?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_05: I said, two reasons.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_05: I'm not sure I'm fond of all of you, and I know that in Detroit, at any given moment, something weird and bad can happen to all of you.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_05: And second of all, the people in Detroit, perhaps, for you haven't read it, those of you who haven't read a newspaper, are the most optimistic people.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_05: They're still there.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_05: Do you understand?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_05: They are still there.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_05: 60 Minutes has covered it, 2020 has covered it, the New York Times has covered it, and what is the conversation at the dinner table?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_05: Well, something's gonna happen.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_05: It's gotta turn around.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I don't know when, but I'm certainly not leaving yet.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: I have hope.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: I do.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: I mean that Kwame Kilpatrick was crazy.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: But you move on.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: You do, you move on, and you you find a better man.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_05: I do love this city.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_05: It's uh, and you know, I don't know if this is progress, uh, but normally, and this is my city included, we're usually flip-flop in number one and number two in murder.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_05: It's it's usually Detroit and then St.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_05: Louis, which is why I feel so close to you people.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_05: I understand the element that you live with that at any moment could get weird.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_05: Just driving down the road.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_05: You don't know, things could get weird.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_05: But this year, oh no, no, no, no, no.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_05: Number one, Flint.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, how?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: How is that possible?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: There's not even any people there.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_05: Are they just shooting people that drive by and counting that?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_05: Are they like tricking people to flint?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_05: Free money, and then they shoot them and go, there's another one.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_05: We're so gonna win this year.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_05: And I don't think it's fair that Detroit dropped to number three just because you've actually shot everyone.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_05: Just because you did a good job doesn't mean you should lose gold wreck.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_05: Because there's lovely parts of Detroit here, this whole area.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_05: People don't know that though.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_05: They only know what you see on the news.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_05: You know, are you afraid to go to Detroit?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_05: No, I'm not afraid to go to Detroit.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_05: I'm not afraid of normal things.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_05: It amazes me when uh my friend is a DVD distributor and he's like, you know what, people love horror movies, because teenagers they love to pay to be frightened.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_05: I go, that's because they have not lived long enough to know that real life will scare the s out of you.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_05: There is no reason to go pay to be scared.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_05: Because at this age, I could care less if a vampire walked in my house.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_05: I I truly wouldn't even blink in an eye.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_05: But look at this mole.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, that scares me.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_05: Look at that mole.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_05: Ha ha! It's got ridges on it now.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_05: It didn't three weeks ago.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_05: But I don't have time to go to a doctor, so I just ask other comedians.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_05: So, like, hey, is that is that looked up to you?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_05: And they go, no, I go, cool, and then I go have another beer and forget about it.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_05: You wonder about our government spending money.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_05: You wonder who makes these decisions, because Lewis and I have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan over and over, and we go, Oh, please, no, that's okay.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_05: That's very kind that you clap.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_05: I I don't even say that for applause, because really I wouldn't go if I remembered the number and didn't pick up.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_05: It's just I'm too Catholic and I'm too guilty to say no, I can't lie like that.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_05: I'm a terrible liar.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_05: They would know I was lying.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_05: Oh no, I'm sorry, no, I just go.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_05: But Afghanistan, I mean, the unbelievable.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_05: I don't even understand.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_05: You get there and you're like, what, what, what are we uh what are we going for here?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_05: Uh because they they it's a horrible, horrible place.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_05: It's freezing, which you would never think.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_05: Because on the news, when you see the Taliban guys, they're always just in a sheet.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_05: They don't have like a like wear a parka and mittens and stuff.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_05: It looks like fall, and you wear your sheet wear and you run around and it looks like fall.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_05: And I always thought that's why I would be a horrible terrorist, because I'm already prone to naps.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_05: And if you put me in a sheet all day, oh my god, forget it.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_05: I would never leave the cave.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_05: I would be the worst terrorist ever.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_05: I'd be like, yeah, I know everybody's really mad, but I'm just gonna guard the cave while you guys go to that.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_05: And I'm gonna take a nice nap in this thread couch.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_05: Have you felt my thread couch?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_05: And I have a pillow conveniently located on the top of my head.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_05: It's freezing.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_05: It's like 10 degrees in Afghanistan.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_05: And there's sand flying in your face at all times.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_05: I don't care what direction you look, there's sand flying in your face.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_05: So it doesn't even make sense in my Midwest mind.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_05: If sand's flying in my face, I should be in a swimming suit holding a multicolored alcoholic drink I forgot I love.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_05: Like rum! I love rum!
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't had this since I validated in high school.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_05: It's just it's free because my brother goes, How bad was it?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_05: I go, here's how bad it was, Pat.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_05: Here's what I want you to do.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_05: Go out into your garage, take off all your clothes, get into your walk-in freezer, and then every 15 minutes, I'm gonna come out there and throw sand in your face.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_05: They flew us around in Black Hawk helicopters, the doors are open, the people are shooting at you.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_05: You can see the ground because that's how close you are to the ground, which is creepy.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_05: And at one point, we it's very loud, you have these headheadphones things.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_05: We flew over a bunch of camels just running around.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: And blue goes, are those wild.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know what you mean by that.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_05: But I don't see saddles on them.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_05: And I don't see tiny monkey jackies, and I don't see a bedding window, so I don't think we're in a camel track.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I think they're wild.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, where are we?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know, but from what I can see, I'd say we've flown to the Bible.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_05: And the old testament Lou, the bad Bible, where shit's on fire for no reason.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_05: God is a lunatic, you're misbehaving.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_05: I'm throwing locus at your heads, blah, blah, blah.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_05: Not the New Testament, Lou, not the fun Bible, where there's wine and cheese parties, and people are getting risen from the dead.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, I'm back! I'm back! I'm Lazarus! I was dead an hour ago.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_05: I already said what's happening.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_05: Where's the wine?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_05: I heard he's making wine somewhere.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_05: That guy.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_05: I love that guy.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I go, wow.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_05: This is the whole, this is the whole war.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_05: This is what we're doing.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_05: And we didn't even spend the money.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_05: Because they go, if you're gonna take a shower here in the shower building, you might want to wear your tennis shoes and extra sacks.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_05: Because if you'll notice this is all Russian equipment from the 70s, we didn't bring new stuff, the Russian stuff is still there.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_05: I'm like, did we learn nothing?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_05: Really?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_05: The Russians, the toughest people on earth, people who tricked Hitler into a snowstorm, were freaked out by these people.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_05: These people in the middle of the night went, holy crap, they're crazy, and ran home like girls and left everything.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_05: They left tanks, they left barracks, they left apartments.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_05: They're like, here's the keys, man.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_05: You want to give it a whirl?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_05: Seriously, we are sneaking out at midnight.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_05: This is insane.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_05: And they told us, if you're gonna take a shower, wear your socks and shoes because we don't publicize this, but we've had quite a few cases of electrocution.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_05: I was like, well, I'm out.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_05: I'm done showering.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_05: You think I'm gonna trust my life to socks and a pair of pumas I bought at Marshall's for$57?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_05: These aren't even running shoes, you moron.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_05: They're just cute.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_05: They're accent shoes.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_05: I'm not gonna trust my life.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_05: It's horrible.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't shower for like, I don't know, 13, 14 days.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_05: I know it's gross.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_05: It's even gross to admit, but I'm admitting it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_05: Then they drop you off in the DC airport, and you it's you're on your own to get yourself home.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_05: Fine.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_05: I need to go to St.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_05: Louis for Christmas.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_05: I go I go to the airport bar at 6 a.m.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_05: I I'm I still haven't showered.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_05: There's nowhere to shower.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_05: Uh I have glasses on, no makeup.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_05: My hair is in a baseball hat that they've given me that says USO.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_05: It's a free just hat.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_05: I go in the bar, there's one guy.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_05: He's about 70, and he's hammered.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_05: I thought, good for you, sir.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_05: I I don't even know how this happens or why it happened, but it's 6 a.m.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_05: in DC and you're at the airport hammered.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_05: I don't even know what the story is.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_05: But I'm a fan.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_05: I like it.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_05: I wish I had that kind of time.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, you want to go get drunk?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, let's have some fun.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_05: Let's go to the airport and not have to fly anywhere.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_05: That'll be stress-free and fun for once.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_05: So I don't want to talk to him though.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_05: I don't want to talk to anybody.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_05: I just, I'm tired, I'm crabby, I'm filthy, I just want to eat American breakfast.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_05: And speak to no one, get on my plane.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_05: And I look down and I hear from the other end of the bar.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_05: This is all here.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_05: And I kept looking down and I thought, wow, that's the greatest pickup line.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_05: Ever.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_05: You can't not look at that person.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_05: After that person just did that.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_05: Now I don't know if you're a bear and I didn't look right.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_05: Are you a are you a pirate?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_05: What is happening?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_05: You can't look.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_05: So I look up.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_05: He goes, ah.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: I see your hat, honey.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: It says USO.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_02: Are you uh are you with them?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_02: I said, uh I don't know what you mean by with them, sir.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: I just uh I just went to uh Afghanistan and did some shows for troops.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, Oh, oh, you did some shows, huh?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_02: What do you uh what are you like a showgirl or a stripper?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_05: I was for like half a second, and I was like, I shouldn't marry this guy.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_05: Are you serious?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_05: I have headlights right now, sir.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_05: My my hat's moving.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_05: My hat's moving! Or it's so and somehow you look through all this and you see showgirl stripper cleaner upper.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_05: You you can see.
• 12:10
  unknown: Wow.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_05: Then I did go home.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_05: I went home to St.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_05: Louis for Christmas, and I walked into my parents' house, which I hadn't been into in about, I don't know, six months, and unbeknownst to me, they changed all the light bulbs in the house into those energy-saving light bulbs.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_05: So when I walked in, as if I haven't had enough weird lighting in Afghanistan, they're sitting in this weird, dim, hazy lighting, and I'm like, hey, what's going on, guys?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_05: We uh we having a seance.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_05: My dad goes, no, no, we're not, Kathleen.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_05: Your mother thought it would be a good idea at our age when our eyesight is failing to make the house as dimly lit as possible, Kathleen.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_05: Because she's upset because Al Gore's upset because there's no more polar bears.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_05: Well, you know what?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_05: I'm 69 years old.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_05: I live in Missouri.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_05: I've never seen a polar bear.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_05: I don't care if I ever see a polar bear.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_05: What I'd like to see is the coffee table.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I'd like to see.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_05: And that starts the side argument.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's not because of Al Gorjak.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: They just don't make the regular light bulbs anymore.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: I can't find the regular light bulbs anymore.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: When?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: When did they stop making regular light bulbs and why weren't we notified in the mail by the government?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, we're only gonna live ten more years.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: I couldn't have bought enough light bulbs for the rest of our lives.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: I would have bought extra and sold them out of the back of the truck to other old people who didn't know.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_05: I could have jammed the price up.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my god.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_05: They're up all the time.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_05: It doesn't matter what time you call the house, one of them's up.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, oh, it could be two in the afternoon, three in the morning, five a.m.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_05: eleven.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_05: Whoa! They're up.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_05: They call me from weird places.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_05: where I am, it's 5 a.m.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_05: where they are.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_05: Whoa.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, what are you doing?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_05: Uh more importantly, what are you doing, Mom?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_05: Well, we're at Home Depot's parking lot.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: We We thought they opened at 6.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_02: They don't.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_05: They uh so we're just gonna sit here for an hour and look at the other old people that were confused by the am.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_05: I said, Mom, why aren't you sleeping anymore?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_05: Well, don't tell your father this because he'll be embarrassed.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_05: But now we're afraid we're gonna die in our sleep.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_05: So we've decided we'll just stay up, and one of us will be up and then we'll nap.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_05: Because you never hear somebody dying while they were napping.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_05: You don't hear, oh, he died in his nap.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_05: You hear they died in their sleep, but if we both fall asleep, we won't know the other one's dead, and that's how things get out of hand.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_05: Okay, okay, mom.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_05: I went to Target with her.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_05: My mom was a nurse for 30 years.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, she's retired.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_05: I said, out of nowhere, while we're pushing a cart, God, I have a splitting sinus headache.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_05: She goes, oh, here.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_05: And roots through a giant person, goes, take this.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_05: And I took it.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_05: And about a second later I hear, oh.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_05: I said, uh, what was that all about?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_05: She goes, you swallow that?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_05: Yep.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_05: Sure did swallow it.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_05: What color was it?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know, mom.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't I didn't look at what color it was.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_05: Kathleen, why didn't you look at what color the pill was?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_05: What why?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_05: Why?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_05: Because you're not somebody I met at a party.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_05: You were my mom.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_05: You were a nurse for 30 years.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_05: I bought the whole story.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_05: I did.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_05: I trusted you.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_05: I ate it blind.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_05: I just ate it blind.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_05: I said, well, if you had to guess, what kind of pill do you think I ate?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_05: She said, well, I don't know.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_05: It's hard to tell.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_05: It came out of the blue unmarked bottle that your father and I call the All-Stars.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_05: And it could be anything from pain medication to blood pressure pills, can't I?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_05: I said, what if it's his blood pressure medication?
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_05: She said, you're gonna pass out.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_05: And that's why we should abandon our carts and leave this target immediately.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_05: Because I can't drag you out of here with this bad knee.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_05: That knee replacement did not work.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_05: I don't care what he says.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_05: It didn't work.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_05: I just never, I voted for Obama, but I never I always thought, I think he thinks we're a little bit more of a team than we are.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_05: Like, here's the thing, sir.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_05: We get you elected, and then you do shit, and then you tell us about it.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_05: That that's how I thought this was gonna roll.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_05: Oh no.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_05: Lola Obama.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_05: He's on the TV all the time.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_05: America.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna need your help on this.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_05: Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_05: We are busy.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_05: Okay?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_05: Shark Week is on.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know if you're familiar with that.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_05: That's not something you tape.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_05: You gotta watch that live.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_05: It always sucks on tape.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_05: Doomsday preppers.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_05: I have eight episodes.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_05: I've yet to watch.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_05: I don't even watch reality, but if you have never seen that show, I think it's the craziest you can be.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_05: They are preparing for the end of the world, these people.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_05: They all think it's something different.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_05: A dirty bomb, um, uh the government's gonna take over, or they have crazy all these ideas of how the world's gonna end, but they prepare differently.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_05: They have bunkers, they have medicine for life.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_05: But what's even more bizarre than what they're doing is every single one of them is married.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_05: Wow, really?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_05: I have normal, nice friends that can't get a date.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_05: And you and you, you, how'd you throw that out on ChristianMingle.com and get a hit back?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_05: That's all I wanna know.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_05: How do you just toss that out there like it's normal?
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_05: Hobbies, preparing for the end of the world, but you can't throw something else in, Tannis.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, what?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_05: No.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_05: And then somebody hit you back.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_05: Oh I'm G, me too.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_05: Meet me at Costco.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_05: Lots of things to buy, can't wait.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_05: This is gonna get weird.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_05: Wait for shit to get weird, wait for trip to get weird.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_05: Obama's always always reaching out.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_05: God love him.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_05: America, if you agree with me on how to solve this financial crisis, I'm gonna need you to email your congressman and representatives.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, well, then I'm gonna need you to email me who they are.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_05: Because unless they're hosting Shark Week or preparing for the end of the world, I am probably not familiar with their work.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_05: Because the ticket didn't say Obama Madigan.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_05: The ticket said Obama Biden.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_05: So if you need some help, I suggest you get that smiling Irishman you hired out of a bar.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_05: Who is my favorite person on the planet, by the way.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_05: Because there's a reason he's always smiling.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_05: Because he was smart enough to go for vice president.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, all the alcohol, none of the problems.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_05: That is the job you go for.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_05: If you have, what do you want to be number one for?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_05: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_05: Bring cut your ego down a level.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_05: There's nothing wrong with Air Force Two.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_05: Same plane, different number, same plane.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_05: Yes.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_05: Yes.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_05: And you don't even have to answer anything.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_05: What do you think about the final?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_05: I don't really know what to talk about it.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_05: The ice in my margarita is melting, though.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_05: And I have to go to a funeral in Turkey of a person I've never heard of.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_05: And I gotta act sad.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_05: So I'm gonna need a few more drinks and then I'll talk to you guys later.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_05: Obama.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_05: I really think he starts out on such a high intellectual level sometimes.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_05: I saw him two months ago on TV.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_05: He just gave a random speech.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_05: He goes, America, I'm here to update you about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_05: Really?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_05: Is it gonna start right there?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_05: Well, I'm here to update you, sir.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_05: That's funny, I have an update too.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_05: Up until six months ago, I thought Fannie Mae was a candy factory in Chicago.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_05: And I couldn't understand why a candy factory was allowed to hand out home loans.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_05: And then I really couldn't understand who thought to go there.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_05: Like, that's brilliant.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_05: Like, well, hey, the bank said no.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_05: Why don't we go down to the candy factory and see if they'll they seem to be doing well.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_05: And I thought Freddie Mac was a candy bar that they made I hadn't yet tasted in it, and I thought, I'm gonna look for that at the airport, and I hope it has caramel in it.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_05: They speak about these things as if we're all updated.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_05: The deficit?
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_05: They say that as if it's a real tangible number.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_03: The deficit three trillion, seven thousand, eight hundred and four.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now is the time to get concerned.
• 22:08
  unknown: Really?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_05: Now?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_05: Why?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_05: Why now?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_05: You're in charge.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_05: You didn't panic at two trillion.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_05: I think you're bullshitting.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_05: I don't I don't believe you.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_05: I don't believe you.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_05: I don't believe you.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_05: I would be more frightened and motivated to action if I saw one of those one of the important politicians go on TV and go, the deficit is mashed potatoes.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_05: What did he say?
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_05: What is he implying?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_05: Are we running out of mashed potatoes?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_05: That's ridiculous.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_05: That's my favorite thing in the whole world.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_05: If that is true, then someone get Idaho on the phone right now.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_05: They go, Hello, you were in charge of two things, crazy militias and potatoes.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_05: And if you can't keep that together anymore, I don't even understand the difference between the deficit and the debt.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_05: And my brother is the financial advisor, and he's younger than me, and he he knows how to speak, like, you know, down to my level.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_05: And I said, Pat, in an easy way, explain to me what is the difference between the deficit and the debt.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_05: He goes, Okay, I will.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_05: Just pay attention.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_05: And he started talking.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_05: And I don't know how far in it was.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_05: I would say, I would say, probably the 40-second mark, I drifted out a lot, right?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_05: But he didn't catch me until about the 90-second mark, and he's like, Are you even paying attention anymore?
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_05: I go, no, but I gotta tell you what I have been doing.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_05: I heard about this and now I'm doing it, and you have to do it at work because it'll make you smile and laugh so hard.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_05: If you go to Google and type in Batman cat and then hit images, oh my god, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_05: It's real, Pat.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_05: It's not a joke.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_05: It's a real cat.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_05: It's a long haired black guy, and they combed his hair, and it looks like the Batman mask.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_05: And yeah, I mean, they're holding him up, but that's not cheating.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, he's just holding him.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_05: And if I don't know if it's for sale, like I don't even want a cat, but I want that cat.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_05: So every morning I'd wake up, he'd be on my chest.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_05: I'm Batman.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, you are! Yes, you are.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_05: I would never not have a happy day if I own that cat.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_05: He's like, Kathleen, I'm at work.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, whatever.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_05: I gotta go.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_05: I gotta go.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, but the but that's what we're doing all day, Obama.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_05: I don't have time to help you.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_05: The Batman cat is trying to get some popularity going.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_05: And you know, I wish, like, I I I try to pay attention.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_05: It's also just too difficult.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, you know, a long time ago it wasn't hard.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_05: There was the morning newspaper and then the evening news, and the evening news wasn't a joke.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_05: They didn't talk about the Kardashians or Paris Helton.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_05: It was just some old mean white man who'd come out, smoke a cigarette, always very angry.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_05: Hello!
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome to the nightly news.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_04: Tonight we're gonna talk about Korea.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_04: And if you don't know what where Korea is, get a goddamn map, you unpatriotic son of a bitch.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh my god, oh my god, where's Korea?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Hurry up, find out.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: He's gonna know we don't know.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, a patch of fire this person.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, now?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_05: There's a million news channels, there's a million websites, CNN.com.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_05: Here's Obama's health care plan.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_05: Boom, it's right there.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_05: 1,087 pages.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_05: Okay, and then right next to that, there's a video.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_05: It's two minutes and 17 seconds long, and it says baby owls live in teacups.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_05: Hello! Yeah.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_05: I realize I've never seen a baby owl, and I don't know why.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_05: And I want to see it, and why is it in a teacup?
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_05: And why is this crazy old lady allowed to do this?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_05: And why is it PETO over there beating the crap out of her?
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_05: I there's so many questions I have about this video.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_05: I'm interested.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_05: It's too hard, there's too much information.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_05: Facebook, Twitter, dear God, where does it stop?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_05: I don't do Facebook as much, because people, you can type as much as you want, and that's the problem.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_05: People don't know when to shut up.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_05: It's like diarrhea of the fingers.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_05: Like if somebody, like some a mob person should come in with a hammer and just break their fingers and oh, you're done.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_05: It's too hard, there's too much information.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_05: Facebook, Twitter, dear God, where does it stop?
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_05: I don't do Facebook as much, because people, you can type as much as you want, and that's the problem.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_05: People don't know when to shut up.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_05: It's like diarrhea of the fingers.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_05: Like if somebody, like some a mob person should come in with a hammer and just break their fingers and do, oh, you're done.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_05: You're you're done.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_05: Well, I had a bagel this morning.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_05: I thought about having a donut, but Dr.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_03: Oz says they're really the same thing.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: It depends on what you put on top of the bagel.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_03: I like that thick cream cheese.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes I've seen people put salmon on top of a bagel.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_03: I find that so perplexing.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm from Wisconsin.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_03: I can't imagine just slapping a wall.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: I write on my thing.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe it's a Jewish thing.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, no.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot why I like Twitter.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_05: It's 140 characters, and then they kick you off.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_05: You don't have to approve people.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_05: You can follow me.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, there's all kinds, it's like a bull baby Jesus.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_05: People just sign up, follow me all through town.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_05: Great.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_05: Fine.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_05: 140 characters, that's all you get.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_05: And I actually got an argument with Lewis, my friend, because he goes, that's terrible.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_05: Is that what society's come down to?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_05: 140 characters?
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_05: That's all your thought can be?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, Lou.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_05: And I think it's wonderful.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_05: And I think if you think about it, if anything was really important throughout history, it could have been said in 140 characters or less.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_05: If they had Twitter whenever, oh look, here's a tweet.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_05: The British are coming.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_05: The British are coming.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, uh-oh.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_05: There you go.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_05: Do you need to know anything more?
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_05: No, you don't.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_05: You don't need to know anything more than that.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_05: Ah, heads up, Nagasaki.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_05: Not kidding a second time either.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_05: Hashtag, hope you have a hat.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_05: Things are gonna get weird.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_05: I'm just saying.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_05: Warnings.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_05: Things like that.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_05: Mitt Romney said after many, many months, many, many months of thinking about why he lost the election, and you can Google this, he said he realized that it was mainly because he didn't tweet enough.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_05: Really?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_05: That's what you're gonna tell yourself.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_05: Where you go to sleep with night.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_05: Just one tweet away from winning.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_05: It's amazing how people can fool themselves.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't vote for Ritt Romney.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_05: It had nothing to do with politics.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't vote for Ritt Romney.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_05: I will never vote for Ritt Romney because he said, and I know he's telling the truth, because they would have proved differently.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_05: The press would have, and he's a devout Mormon, so I completely believe him, that at age 65, in his life, he had never had a drink, a drug, a cigarette, or a cigar.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_05: Ever.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_05: As an Irish Catholic.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_05: That sentence couldn't even go in my head.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_05: I just air, air, air.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_03: Invalid information, invalid information, rephrase, question, rephrase, question, check age, check age, check age.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_02: The only people that we know that can truly say that are babies.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_05: And that's just because they don't know yet.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, they like juice, but they haven't had a butt light.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_05: They don't know.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_05: And I judged him for that.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_05: And that's not fair to that man, but I did.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_05: I did, I judged him.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_05: Because to me, uh, a glass of wine or a cigarette or maybe a Lunesta, one of my favorites.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_05: If you've never taken a Lunesta but you've seen the commercial, I'm here to let you in on a little secret.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_05: That neon butterfly is real.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_05: Wow.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_05: Green, pink, ah, they're beautiful.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_05: But those are the ways a normal adult relieves stress to me.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_05: What a cigar, maybe some pot, whatever it is you do.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_05: And if you don't do any of those, any of them, my mind goes to alarm state where I go, uh-oh, uh-oh.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_05: Alien, alien.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_05: Uh I think you're sleeping with a goat.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_05: That's how weird it is to me.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_05: That's not fair to men from me.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_05: I've smoked cigarettes a lot of my life.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_05: I finally quit.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't want to quit.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_05: People who have never been addicted to anything never truly get it.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_05: Like, oh my god, you quit smoking.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_05: You feel better?
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_05: No.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_05: No.
• 31:05
  unknown: Ha ha!
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_05: Love to shove your face through glass just for saying that.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_05: And then smoke whatever's left on the other side.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_05: That's that's how irritable I am right now about the fact that I can't smoke cigar.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_05: Just not that healthy of a person.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_05: I I joined a gym and then my gym closed.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_05: And then I had to go join another gym.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_05: That's a pain in the ass.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_05: Because you can't just pay and go in.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_05: You have to have a meeting and a consultation with somebody.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_05: I really I don't want to.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_05: Well, you have to, Kathleen.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_05: You have to meet with Cindy.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, uh.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_05: Okay, great.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_05: Cindy is 21.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_05: Cindy is in shape.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_05: Cindy is happy to be alive.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_05: Everything is going great in Cindy's world.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_05: You can tell the happiest thing ever.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_05: But her voice is so high.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_05: The tone and the pitch, when she spoke, all I heard was a Yorkie barking.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_05: I swear to God.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, Phillips.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: I can't speak to this lady?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have money.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: Can't I just go in?
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, Kathleen, if we can get okay, um, we have to write down some of your goals.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Cindy, Cindy, I don't I don't have any goals here.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_05: Maybe that's weird, but I I don't I don't I don't have any goals.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_05: I I'm not here for offense, Cindy.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_05: I'm here for defense.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_05: There's a big difference.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_05: I am here to try and pull a fourth quarter Hail Mary Pass out of my ass before things get weird.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_05: Now, I don't know if that's possible, but I'm willing to pay$62 a month to not come here and find out.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's a sad.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's that it's not sad.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's just well, I have to put something on the form or I'm gonna get in trouble.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_05: Okay, here's my goal.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_05: Ready?
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_05: Ready?
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_05: Here's my goal.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_05: I am here to delay the date and severity of my impending stroke.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's so sad you don't see the gym as a fun place.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_05: Well, I don't, Sidney.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_05: And I think at my age, uh, I think I know what's fun to me, and I think I know what's not fun to me.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_05: Uh, a bar is fun to me.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_05: Trust me, year after year I pre-prove it and reprove it.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_05: I I really have a lot of fun in a bar.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_05: A gym?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_05: No.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_05: No, no.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_05: I've never stayed at a gym so long I got kicked out.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_05: Never.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_05: I never worked out so hard.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_05: Somebody had to take my keys because I was crazy.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_05: No.