Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 65. The Package Deal: Marriage, Intimacy, and Keeping the Spark Alive with NFL Chaplains LaMorris and Megan Crawford

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65. The Package Deal: Marriage, Intimacy, and Keeping the Spark Alive with NFL Chaplains LaMorris and Megan Crawford · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, welcome back to another week here at the podcast.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Grateful to have you here.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I know that I left several of you hanging counting down the days till the second part of this episode dropped.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: If you did not listen to last week's episode, I'm going to encourage you to turn this.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: If you did not listen to last week's episode, I'm gonna encourage you to turn this one off.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Go back to last week and catch up on that one.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: We are in part two of an amazing interview with Lamoris and Megan Crawford.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: Lamoris and Megan are in a marriage ministry.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: They have just an amazing story which we talked a ton about last week Just some of the difficulties that they had to come through, the way that they saw God's provision through their relationship and how it transformed generations in their family.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: And Megan and Lamoris have been involved not just in marriage ministry but in working with the NFL.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Lamoris and Megan were a chaplain team for the Cincinnati Bengals for eight years.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: Their most recent assignment they're going to be joining the Carolina Panthers here shortly and just a really cool story of how God is using them and their marriage to witness to other marriages, to really call people into covenant relationship in their marriage union so different than how the world looks at it.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: And so we had just a great conversation last week.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Coming into this week, we have another 40 minutes of jam-packed goodness.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: I am going to give a little fair warning there is a little bit of spicy talk in this week's episode, so if you have kids around that you don't want to hear some of that.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Maybe this is a good one to pop an ear pod in.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: We're going to laugh.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: There is some funny stuff going on here and just some really great information about how to fight for our marriages and keep the spice alive.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: So, without any further ado, we're going to hop right back in to where we left off last week.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: So you guys have, you have four kiddos and I know he's your oldest.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: You got some teens now, you got some middle school.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: You got a lot of different things going on and, obviously, marriage having.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: You know, now we've been married for 25 years and our oldest is 23.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: So we've parented through this will be our first kid graduating adult children, and each stage has different challenges as parents, different joys too.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Every stage has such amazing things that you just want to like lock up and freeze and have forever, but it has those same challenges and joys in marriage.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: And how do you guys as crazy busy traveling for kids?
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: I see you guys have lots of activities.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: You're on football fields, you're at dances, you're at gymnastics.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: How do you guys keep your marriage a priority?
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: That's a great question.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: So for us, a couple of things that we live by is we would never hold our kids to a standard that we don't live, In other words, the same Jesus we tell our kids about.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: They need to see that we need.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: So a huge focus for us in our marriage is we have a hierarchy God, our spouse, our kids, then ministry.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: So that's our order, and the moment that gets out of whack we know we in trouble.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: And so some of the small things we do for us to what we call keeping the honey in the honeymoon is our date nights, and so early in our marriage we would do Oreo cookie date night.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: We just did one last week, I think, yeah, we'll get a thing a double stuffed Oreo cookie, some milk and pop.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: On the movie We'll lock our dough Kids don't touch it, not our door.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: We lock our dough, our dough.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: We're like don't touch it, don't knock, if you starving you better figure it out long as no one's bleeding or crying don't touch and you report to the oldest child and then the second one oldest child that's what we do.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: We have a two defense system in place there's the president and the vice president and so we also want our kids to see the value of what it means to be in covenant marriage.
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: By.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: We love you, but my wife is first Right and I've had that language since my kids were little.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, I mean off a rip, like bro you second.
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Throw to you first this is number one.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: Don't say that he's four.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: He's like what?
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: Because we found that as kids exit the homes, the spouses didn't stay connected.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: So there's a large number of divorces that happen once kids are at the house.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: Well, some people maintain a marriage for the sake of till.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: Their kids are gone and then they're out.
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: And I feel like we know that and that sounds very typical, but it's different when you're the one experiencing it, right.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: And so I think that's what we've walked with through so many people.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: We're about to be married for 17 years and it is proven through studies.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: Studies have shown that there's a 17 year itch and that a lot of marriages don't make it at the 17th year I mean, of course, there are many other studies before that why they don't make it right but specifically at this year, because there's like an itch of familiarity and things are kind of boring.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: And so, again, yes, we can hear that and be like well, yeah, yeah, I've heard that, I know that.
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: But the reality is, when you're the one having to process it, I'm like, well, I don't want that.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: What can we do to make sure that doesn't happen?
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: And so a big thing for us is fun and constantly getting to know one another.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: And just like I tell him, we have this joke.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: This is really funny to me still.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: It'll never not be funny to me.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: It's funny yeah.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: He would buy me crazy daisies and I love him for that.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: But he would buy me crazy daisies and I love him for that, but I don't want all those crazy daisies.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: Like I'm a person I was going to say I have a mature palate, but sophisticated palate for plants and pretty florals and I love design and I do that stuff.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: So I'm like crazy daisies are not it?
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: Now, did I ever complain?
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: No, but I realized just the importance of telling him that's actually not my favorite thing, because we should know those things.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: So that stirred this conversation and I was like did you even know my favorite flower?
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: And this is where things get funny, because this guy was like yeah, it's a and he called it a panini.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: I know it's a panini, it's a sandwich, and he called it a panini.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: And it's a panini and it's so fun, it's a sandwich.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: I know who doesn't like a nice warm panini with lines on it.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: No, no, no.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: Be honest.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: I literally told you you could give me a dozen panties, or you'd give me a dozen paninis and I would be equally happy.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: I mean they make like the candy bar bouquets you could literally have a panini bouquet made.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I'm sure I would love that.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: With a peenie bouquet.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, that is funny.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: So I just told him through that like.
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: To that point he didn't know and I had to tell him.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: I'm like, but that's okay, because when we got married we didn't have peenies at our wedding.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: That wasn't the reason that we didn't.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Did you have crazy daisies?
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: No, but that's a good point to bring up.
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: I would have been like this is all me, right, but just continuing like I want to be curious about him.
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: A big thing in our research and what the studies we've done.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: Thank God for Gottman Institute, even though the Christian Institute it's helped us a lot in just doing the research for us, right?
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: Like I definitely am adding scripture and there are definitely parts I disagree with because it's not biblically based, but the studies themselves.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: I'm like my goodness, a lot of marriages don't last because they don't validate one another.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: They just can't just by.
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: Like man, I'm sorry this happened but I don't agree and I like your perspective is wrong.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: That is an invalid way of trying to reconcile in your marriage, right?
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: So for me, I'm like I just want to say it got hurt your feelings, I'm so sorry and I want to make that.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: Because it hurt you and because I love you, I want to apologize, even if I don't understand it.
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: That's not the point, right?
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: So for us, in marriage and prioritizing one another and staying close and building an intimacy and all of that is obviously this area of life and our studies have helped us become stronger because we're applying it first right we don't want to teach something that we're not living.
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: And, I think, having fun too.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: We can get so serious in our the longer you've been married either it just becomes very mundane.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: You just go in through the motions and now you're.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: You know what I see and being at that age group with kids leaving, where you can get so invested in the activities and the kids stuff that it just becomes boring.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And the fun part, I think, is so great Right when you think back on memories.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: We were just talking as a family about a family dinner we had at a sushi restaurant over Christmas and I don't know why it was just like that picture that you freeze.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Everybody was so happy and we were laughing and you just go back to the things when it felt good and I don't even like the word good, because it doesn't even have to be good to have that joy and that fulfillment.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: And I think too that with marriage we change.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: The man I married 26 years ago is not the same man I'm married to today and we can forget that.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Hey, we need to check in and be like how are you evolving?
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: How am I evolving?
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: One thing that I actually just had a listener send in a message and I'm going to ask you guys the question she said talk to me about intimacy.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: So I've been married.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I think she said 19 years and she said I thought it would get easier as our kids got older, but it's actually becoming really hard.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: What do you say to couples who get bogged down in schedules and life and I always joke.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I was like it's a lot easier to be a little bit sneaky when you have little kids.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: You got them teenagers in the house and there is no secrets.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: They are all up in your business.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: What do you say to couples about just keeping that spark, because part of fun has to be that intimacy and that love, that covenant that you have, that you don't have with anybody else.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: How do you keep that spark alive and a priority in marriage?
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: I think the number one thing is to acknowledge it.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: If both parties say, hey yo, our sex life is kind of gray, be like right.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: So what we've seen a lot of couples do is one would feel that way, but the other one communicate.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: So I think the first step is to get it out in the open, right.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: Then the second is to make a plan right.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: If I'm talking to the man, I'm saying hey yo, make sure you be touching shorty during the day.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: Let's say, if you up in the morning, if you're a regular guy, nine to five, you know, touch a butt, grab a boob, you know what I'm saying.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Like, let her feel she needs to know that you're affectionate.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Also, don't be afraid to cuddle.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Don't be afraid to grab a hand, put your arm around her.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: There needs to be some-.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: Don't be afraid to wash the dishes.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: Don't, don't be afraid of it.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: There needs to be some beginning of physical with emotional connection.
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: Well, and I said dishes, because that's also an equal turn on to a female.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah Well, and I said dishes because that's also an equal turn on to a female.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know right.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: So we call this the microwaving?
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, we are not an oven.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: We are an oven, we're not a microwave.
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: You can't just pop us in and we're ready to go Right, we need a little preheating.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: And then if you're washing the dishes, we're probably going to smack your butt.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: a grab too, we're probably going to smack your butt a grab too, Right, right exactly.
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: It's having all great effects on everything.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: Yes, and that might be a text, a couple of texts during the day.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: Right, we got our emoji text.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Like when I send these emojis, sure you know what's going down.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: This is the expectation when I see you.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah right.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: I don't want no excuses, kids, none of that.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: B go straight to the road and you're about to go down.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: Well, I think something else, and we, of course again, this is almost like a common statement, but it needs to be a revelation for us Like, intimacy does start outside of the bedroom, right?
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: So when you are so busy and you are so tired, like I'm making him a priority, there are times, honestly, I just don't like gross things.
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: I mean, sex is not like the not gross thing.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: You know what I mean.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: There are, there are things I had to do for myself which would be like, okay, I'm going to make sure that a candle is lit.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: That's just where I'm at right now.
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: I need to make sure, I want to make sure that I shower first.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: I want that that's just me.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: That isn't that's just I want to make sure there's whipped cream present.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: Like whatever your thing is, that's just me.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Just take some ownership of it.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: That's me.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: Handle whipped cream, hey, whatever.
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: So my point in that is sometimes you have to get in that headspace, right, you have to, and honestly and pray let's not totally forget about that.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: There are many times that I'm like Lord, help me in this moment.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: I don't feel present, I don't feel the mood, I am right.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: So many things, and then there are.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I was going to say this to your point, I'll forget.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: So I want to cut you off is that it's sometimes your emotions have to catch up to you, right?
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: The reason why I want to give myself sexually to my wife is because I love her, right, that's the foundation is love.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Now there may be moments like you're saying I don't feel like it or whatever, but because I love you, I'll allow my emotions to catch up with that.
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: So sorry, no, no no, that's good, and that's that's where I'm at, like, that's when I'm praying or that's when I'm right.
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: Another thing and these are just a couple of practical things, but I think this was probably six months ago, maybe four months ago I was like something is off, I don't know why, and I'm like I know that you want to make out right now, I just don't, and so I want to talk about.
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: Can we just talk first?
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: Like that's where I don't have a lot of, just let's talk about talking.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: And then we stopped and then of course that ended beautifully and then we were together, but it was just like I, mentally and emotionally, wasn't there yet.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: Can we just talk?
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: First Talk about talking Right, and then another very weird, but saying that I feel like the Lord has given us is one day.
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: I was like babe, I just I feel like we need to have packages.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: I feel like let's not disagree, let's know that we have expectations and let's communicate them well, right, let's not assume say that and so this was a really cool idea that, because there will be times where, like, if I'm on a trip preaching somewhere and I'm sending all these texts and I'm ready, and I get home and then it's totally not what we talked about.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: I'm sleepy, for whatever reason, because I just took care of all four of your kids.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: For whatever.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: We might need counseling For whatever reason.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: So then I have this high expectation.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I've been thinking about her for two days.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, and I get home and it's like the all that air has been sucked out.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: I'm like so sorry, Sleepy.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: I'll see you tomorrow, Right, so?
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: so this is why.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: So I want to go back to that.
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: Well, I want to go back to the word because it sounds weird that we left it there.
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: But we called it packages because it was like this, like number one.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: This is what I can do tonight.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: That's what I was going to say.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: I don't know if you have a like.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: Do you have like a?
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: G version that you can share.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: She wants me to share the G version.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: Do we need?
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: to change this to an explicit episode in the show notes.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: Right, no, it's, g, it's, g, it's godly marriage.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: This is good.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: And it's important.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: So so we agree that if it's package one, now I can set my expectations.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Because most couples get discouraged because of the unmet and uncommunicated expectations.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: Right, like you do need to talk about it.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so now that.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: I know package one, I can have my expectations set.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: And for all of us wondering, of course we're not going to give details, but one is just.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: This is all I can give tonight.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just missionary.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: Package one is missionary, you don't need to do that.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: No, it's fine, it's an adult part, it's got to be efficient, it's got to be.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: I'll just, I'll give notice to package one, that's it.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: So that, that's the baseline.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: So if I know package one is coming, my expert, we go to package two.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: Then we know okay, next step, next level.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: You feel me?
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: Package three B, we spinning on ceiling fans.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: No, we're not.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: We got to get the kids out of the house.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: It's a whole different level.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: Exactly right, that's also.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: That's never happened.
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: I'm just saying.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: But I like that tone.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: Megan's like okay, so apparently there's a ceiling, pan the ceiling pan in package three that was not included in my breakdown of the package.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: She's like we only got three packages.
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: You're talking about package six, we only got three.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: What are you talking about?
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: So that kind of helped in our intimacy.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that, now I have a.
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: No, we literally will say that.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I have a solid expectation now that I'm not discouraged, I'm not disappointed.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: We've communicated and now we can meet the expectation of what we've decided as a couple that works for us and our intimacy and our marriage.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: So, it changed our marriage.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: It's awesome, it's beautiful.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, so packages, we got to all so the assignment would be that you are each writing, so is it the same, though it's agreed upon like package one?
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: This is where we're like so you're going to the lowest level of package of the two participants is essentially what it is.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: Absolutely yes.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: And to be clear.
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: I mean, for the most part, like this was definitely just me and for the most part, it's probably going to be just the women.
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: Now, of course, we all know this.
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: Every relationship, every couple dynamic is different, but the majority of men are the ones.
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: They don't need all the extra fluff.
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: I just want to be with my wife, right.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: So for the wives, I just think that it's important to say and it's okay, kind of set you free in it, like this is to say I love you and I want to honor you and I don't want you to feel rejected.
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: There are just times like, simply, honestly, I just am too tired to even try and think about that right now.
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: Right, and there are expectations that he has never communicated but that I have thinking that's what he desires and I just can't.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: So at least we can give that.
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: And then, what are you?
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: Why are you making that up.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: This is a guy Cause.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: Now he's thinking about ceiling fans.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: Right, Exactly Well, and I'm like for a guy.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: This is crazy.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: But okay, just lay there.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: Fine, you know what I'm saying, like, you know, I know, I'm just saying that we just want the physical so the emotional connection for a woman is high, just as the physical connection for a man is high.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: So that's why we need each other, that's why it has to be unselfish.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Because I can't just want physically without depositing emotionally.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: That makes sense yeah, I can't want emotionally without depositing Exactly, and that's why I was smiling Like you're saying that I just don't feel like it and I'm like great, I do feel like.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I can take you not feeling like it.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: I'm fine with that.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: Exactly, and so but because I love her and I want this really to be, cause I'm also the king of the quickie, right?
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: I'm like all right in and out, let's go.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: You have such a way with words.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: The most articulate man I've ever met.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: She thinks that's right.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: It's real talk, Megan.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's just because you're here.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: If you could leave, we could have a very easy time.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Part two it will be Nikki and Megan Right, right.
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: And so even in those moments, it's like I just need that emotional release.
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: I need to feel connected.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: Maybe we could get to the packages and then again, I mean it keeps going back to the same thing.
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: But that is killing the idea of not talking about it at all.
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: Right, and just truly saying like these are the expectations and I love you so much that I want to honor you in it and you love me so much that you want to honor me in that as well.
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: Right, and of course that's coming from different visions and perspectives and thoughts, but we can meet in that, yeah.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and again it does.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: It's so.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: I mean God, I mean he has a sense of humor.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: You cannot look at the differences between male and female and how we operate.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: There is so much that you're like I have so many questions I want to ask him about.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Why did you menopause?
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: That whole thing I don't get.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: The difference between men and women, I don't get.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: But if men need physical to emotionally connect and women need emotion to be ready to physically connect, how it is it's that crazy cycle of until you die to get in.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: But everything I'm hearing in what you guys are saying is communication, and I think the more walls that go up and the distance between intimacy and then separate lives I like to refer to it as the slow fade.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: It's like you don't realize that.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: The tiny little choices you're making each day, a month, six weeks, two months down the road you're like whoa, how did we get this chasm between us and our relationship?
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: And it's those tiny little things.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: So that's funny.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: So I feel like I should just send you guys a candle and some whipped cream as a thank you for being on the podcast.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to send you a ceiling fan, but you know.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: I'll tell you what.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: You can never have enough whipped cream, oh my gosh.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: All right, this is going to be awkward.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: I wish you were going to be at the campus this weekend, megan, because I don't feel like I can walk up and give that to Lamora, so I'll have to just send it to the house.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: You know, too funny, okay, so real quickly to just kind of shift.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: I know, just because we've talked about it in life and real stresses and pressures, that there are a lot of primarily women that listen.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: We do have some men.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: We also have a lot of high school and college students.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: A lot of the Olivet girls listen into the podcast, right, right.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: You're going to be like you're in trouble.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: I'll be at chapel in the fall.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: I'll see you then.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: That's right, and I hope they don't listen because they're going to be like, hmm, yeah, that's six.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: But just there's a lot of married women that are listening and I just know that there's a lot of hurt in marriage and that everybody could benefit from getting before a really good Christian counselor.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: But a lot of marriages aren't doing that.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: They're just kind of running in this cycle of it's going to get better.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Or we pretend that when we get out of this stage, when the kids aren't little, when the kids aren't in high school, when the job is less stressful, when we have the finances and we just convince ourselves this is just a season, but we're kind of dying this slow death and you see it in so many marriages that aren't living in that let's have fun, let's die to get in, let's you know the covenant.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: What would be your encouragement to marriages that are just under attack, to the couples that feel like I don't know if it's worth fighting for, I don't know if the betrayal or the hurt is worth digging through to recover from what would just be a word, to a marriage that is just literally hanging on by a thread?
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: I'll go first because I know you'll tie it up in a really good way.
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: Okay, so the first thing is, I feel like one of the things I like plead with women when I'm talking to them about their husband's not involved in the process, and even though we're working for it to be the four of us on the phone or in person, it's just me and her Right, and so she's like I don't know, I don't know what else to do.
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: Like this is I've heard this over and over, so my next step is just to leave.
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: I've heard this over and over, so my next step is just to leave.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: And I just constantly want to remind anyone that if you feel like all you have left is leaving, to just take into consideration that either way, you're gonna have to love this person, right.
• 24:49
  Speaker 3: Whether you're loving them and yeah, don't get me wrong, I know that you don't have to do life with them and you're not there's always the friction present and all that.
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: But the Bible says to love your enemy, and that's what happens when divorce takes place right now.
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: You don't get to hate them now.
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: Nothing changes.
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: So to give it exhaust the idea of love, most of us and I really feel confident saying most of us.
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: Even in the just, the Christian world, most of us don't understand the kind of love that he loves us with and that he's called us to, and it is agape, and so we spend a lot of time with couples and a lot of time in retreat spaces and conference spaces just really like we want, where our job is to convince you that this is true, like first Corinthians 13, wasn't just the marriage scripture and that's what I like to call it, cause if anyone has heard it it's from a wedding right.
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: But actually that passage is not just talking about marriage, that's just the love that he's called us to is not just talking about marriage, that's just the love that he's called us to.
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: So if we can confidently say we've checked off all of those things and that we're living that way and that we're sourced by the spirit in those ways, then having a conversation about divorce looks completely different.
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: But to start it just, I don't know what else to do when he's given us a handbook, right, and so that would be my first, just encouragement, and I'm sure you have a lot to say.
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: I just wanted to share that first Corinthians 13, truly and it even after you get past what you know love is patient, love is kind.
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: Right, all of the things we've heard.
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: Paul says at the end of that.
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: When I was a child, I spoke like a child when I thought as a child I did all these childish things, but when I became a man I put it all away.
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: And he's talking about maturity.
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: So he's saying we have to grow up in love.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: Just because you're unkind doesn't mean I get to meet you in unkindness.
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: Just because you're choosing this lifestyle to hurt me doesn't mean I get to know.
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: The Bible says love bears all things, it believes all things, it hopes all things.
• 27:01
  Speaker 3: There's so many parts.
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: It's an unoffendable love to live that kind of like.
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: Exhaust yourself in that.
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: Because, number one, most of us don't understand that love when you're reading it.
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: It's him.
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: He is that kind of love he's already shown us and he's going to continue to show us.
• 27:20
  Speaker 3: But if it's not in us, how can we possibly give it?
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: When you squeeze an orange, apple juice doesn't come out.
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: We have settled for all of these false loves and we don't understand the agape that he's trying to get to us.
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: So that would be my first, like natural response yeah.
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: I will piggyback on that as well and add to remember.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: If there's one word to your question, I would say remember.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: Remember the time that you did love them, that you did fall in love, that you did get engaged, that you did fall in love, that you did get engaged, that you did get married, that, like what has taken place, that you know you got a lost memory.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: Go back to those moments the disney trips or the honeymoon yeah we.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: This is funny.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: We came from a birthday party a week ago and we just started bumping old songs like our kids in the back.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: We turn it out, let the windows down.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: I stopped, jumped out dancing, like those moments, you know singing to her.
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: Sorry, I want you to keep saying it, but you know it's really cute.
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: We didn't even discuss this and it's been yeah, it's been like three weeks ago, but our kids started like recording us.
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: I thought so sweet because, to your point of the, you know the sushi place over Christmas, like having those moments.
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: They'll probably never forget that.
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: And it wasn't because they could take part of it in the way that they knew the songs and it was.
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: It was fun for them and they're dancing because they, they know the dance, they know that.
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: No, it was because they watched us like lavish love and enjoy one another.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and the comfort that gives them.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, that is a gift to our kids.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: So remember that in whatever area you're struggling in your marriage, no matter what it might be an attack, personal conduct, decision, whatever it might be you still bear the responsibility to agape your spouse and that agape is not predicated on what the other person does, it doesn't matter.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: You get the responsibility to love them.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: If I'm talking to the men, love your wife like Christ loves the church.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: If you really want to know what Christ did for the church and how he loved it, he first died for it.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: So if you're struggling in your marriage and you're listening to this and you're having a hard time, you're in a difficult season.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: You feel like you went to another season of difficulty.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: Pause, remember the good things, remember the great times and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you in agape towards your spouse.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's good.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: You also said something that I wrote down in a podcast on your guys's show where you said, whatever perspective you have of your marriage is what you're going to live up to.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: And I think that's true too.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: We just get into this narrative of it's too hard, it's too much work, I'm too busy, there's too much other stuff going on, and you start to create a narrative of a new truth for what becomes your existence.
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: And so, just in that remembering and that agape, going back and even writing out, like gosh, what do I?
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: I want to have a marriage, and I'm so with you on this because our kids being at the age, they are right.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: When you catch your kids recording you and your spouse, I personally think it's one of the best gifts ever.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: I just recently found some pictures of Christmas morning on one of my daughter's phones Well, she sent it to me and it was like a quiet.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: We were still in our pajamas hugging on Christmas morning in the kitchen and I had no idea.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: But our kids, they are seeing that and it's almost like we need to write a mission statement of our, of our marriage.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: What, what do we want, if, if, whatever our perspective is of what our marriage is or is going to be is going to become reality, then write it.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: Write it out how you want it to be, not not what it is like.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Start speaking life and truth and scripture over it.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: And gosh, I'm just so passionate about this for marriages because I do think that it's so evident everywhere that if Satan can destroy the world, he'll do it through destroying families.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: I mean he can break down marriages, and he can you know, have fatherless children and broken marriages, and he wins in a lot of ways.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: Ultimately, we know that God can win over that, but it's a hard battle and so I feel like we could do a whole season with the Crawfords.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: I feel like we could work through a lot of topics, so hopefully this is not a one and done.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for you guys.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: I do want you to share real quick I think, if you're willing there's a next chapter coming up for you guys what's happening real soon here.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, we've accepted the role as the chaplains to the Carolina Panthers, so we're excited to be back with the team and helping families as you said, pro families and men and women.
• 32:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: Because she's a chaplain too.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: We do it together, we co-lead.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: We know that God designed marriage to produce family, and so that doesn't change because they're pro athletes Right, so we're interested in the whole athlete For sure.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: As 72,000 people was yelling on Sunday.
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: The most important two people in their life to us is their wife and their child.
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, well, you talk about pride and you talk about identity.
• 32:37
  Speaker 3: Like, this is an easy space to work some of that out.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: Or an easy space for the opportunity to work it out.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: And yeah, I mean, we want them to succeed in every area like you said to that point, but also like when you have a man who knows his identity is in Christ first and not in a little pigskin, and you have a woman whose identity is in Jesus and not whose name is on the back of her jersey or whose baby she's carrying, that shows like for us it's easier, you're going to play better on the field when you can have this put together, right.
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, we're excited and it's been across the league and the Lord has done a lot of things and across multiple leagues that we have jumped in and marriage ministry.
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: But, yeah, to be back just down the street, our little.
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: Carolina team.
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: That's so awesome.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: We'll be praying for you guys, because I do feel like we're seeing these little sectors of revival on college campuses and with athletes and even some celebrities, where you're like man, god is at work and these people have a platform that can impact a lot of people, not only their own homes and families, most importantly, but to have that, that influence and that platform to how much is given, much is required, and when they can do that in a way that honors God.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: it's exciting that you guys can have a part of that.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: Lamar, I'm going to ask you, before we just wrap this up, would you be willing just to pray for anybody that's listening, the husbands, the wives, the single women that are longing to be married, that are looking for that relationship?
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: Would you just pray for the listeners in their relationships that they would just pursue Christ in this covenant culture way?
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: Lord, I just thank you for this podcast that you have granted Nikki a voice and a gift to touch and reach your people.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: And so, Lord, I just first pray for those who are single that.
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: Lord they're preparing themselves in character, in patience and really 1 Corinthians 13, that they are becoming the person they desire to marry.
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: For those who are dating.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: Lord, just give wisdom, self-control, patience and kindness Once again, a life of 1 Corinthians 13 towards each other.
• 34:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: Holy Spirit just lead them.
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: And even those who are engaged, lord, as they're preparing for that wedding day, I just pray for favor, in a stress-free planning season, that they would find favor with venues and finances and in-laws and parenting.
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: And then, lord, I just pray for every couple that's represented and listening to this podcast.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: Whether they're in a valley, I pray in Jesus' name that they look up, because a valley cannot exist without a mountaintop.
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: So if there are valley marriages, lord, would you, just as they invite you in, just to have them, lift their chin up to you, that you are sovereign God, that you meet us in our pain and even valley moments, and even for those who are on a mountaintop moments in their marriage, lord, give them the wisdom and the discernment to have an ear for those who might be in the valley.
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: So, wherever we find ourselves, lord, may we be kingdom driven people, that our marriages are an example of the walking picture of covenant on the earth.
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: And I pray these things in Jesus name.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: Amen, amen.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much, just so honored to have you guys here.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Thank you for battling with us through illness and just schedules to be able to make this happen, to give us such a big chunk of your time.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: It means so much.
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: We will be sure to link in the show notes all the different places that you can find the Crawfords, their podcast, their marriage ministry.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: Be sure to go listen.
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: You will laugh if today gave you even just a small perspective.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: There have been many days driving down the road, listening it's a great place to find yourself listening for just encouragement and wisdom, and so we are just so grateful for you guys praying for you in this next season as you raise these kiddos and also pursue all these different things that God has put on your path in ministry.
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: So, listeners, if this is an episode that you think would benefit a friend, anything that resonated with you or you thought about somebody else, I just want to encourage you to send this to somebody else and just keep this passion for cultivating strong families.
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: So until next week, friends, take care.