Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep24: Stand-Up All Stars LIVE | The Best in Comedy 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep24: Stand-Up All Stars LIVE | The Best in Comedy 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:01
SPEAKER_08: I don't like ostriches.
0:02
SPEAKER_08: For those people that don't know what an ostrich is, it's a bird that's the same size as me.
0:07
SPEAKER_08: I'm in Nebraska, right?
0:08
SPEAKER_08: I had a run-in with this ostrich.
0:10
SPEAKER_08: I'm in Nebraska.
0:10
SPEAKER_08: I'm on the side of the road, I'm peeing.
0:12
SPEAKER_08: I get done peeing.
0:13
SPEAKER_08: I look to my left.
0:14
SPEAKER_08: It was an ostrich looking at me while I was peeing.
0:16
SPEAKER_08: He was standing on one leg like this.
0:18
SPEAKER_08: His body was facing this way, but his head, his head was like this.
0:24
SPEAKER_08: Now I didn't know what it was, so I didn't say nothing.
0:26
SPEAKER_08: My friend got out the car.
0:27
SPEAKER_08: He's like, yo, what the hell is that?
0:28
SPEAKER_08: I was like, I don't know.
0:29
SPEAKER_08: It's like a big pigeon or something.
0:31
SPEAKER_08: I didn't know what it was, right?
0:32
SPEAKER_08: He was like, that ain't no pigeon.
0:34
SPEAKER_08: He took an ink pen, threw the pin at it.
0:35
SPEAKER_08: When he threw the pin at the ostrich, he hit the ostrich in the chest.
0:38
SPEAKER_08: As soon as he hit the ostrich in the chest, his other leg came down.
0:41
SPEAKER_08: His body was still facing this way, but his head was still like this.
0:46
SPEAKER_08: I was like, you know what?
0:48
SPEAKER_08: We should probably go get in a car because we don't really know what that means.
0:51
SPEAKER_08: You know, like that that could be a sign.
0:53
SPEAKER_08: That could mean like you got 10 seconds to get out of my face before I kill you.
0:57
SPEAKER_08: I'ma eat your kids.
0:58
SPEAKER_08: We don't know what he's trying to say, especially just get in the car where we stay fast.
1:01
SPEAKER_08: So we get in the car, I start laughing.
1:03
SPEAKER_08: I'm like, ah, you was scared, man.
1:07
SPEAKER_08: He's like, no, you was scared.
1:08
SPEAKER_08: I'm like, no, you was scared.
1:09
SPEAKER_08: No, you no, you was.
1:10
SPEAKER_08: I'm driving like 30 miles per hour.
1:13
SPEAKER_08: I look out the passenger window, the ostrich was running 30 miles per hour beside the car.
1:19
SPEAKER_08: His body was still facing this way, but his head was like this.
1:22
SPEAKER_08: And he was haul assing at 30 miles per hour.
1:27
SPEAKER_08: Now, when I'm scared, like if I'm real, real scared, sir, I'll start to cry.
1:31
SPEAKER_08: Only if I'm real scared.
1:32
SPEAKER_08: So I was like, why would you throw a pin at it if we don't even know what it is?
1:41
SPEAKER_08: I was freaking out, right?
1:42
SPEAKER_08: He was like, man, stop being a little girl.
1:44
SPEAKER_08: Just speed up, drive faster.
1:45
SPEAKER_08: I start driving 60 miles per hour.
1:47
SPEAKER_08: When I tell you that this ostrich was running 60 miles per hour, I am not playing.
1:52
SPEAKER_08: His body was still facing this way, but his head was like this.
1:56
SPEAKER_08: And his legs, you couldn't even see him.
1:58
SPEAKER_08: It looked like a black cotton ball floating.
2:00
SPEAKER_08: It was amazing.
2:01
SPEAKER_08: And I was scared because he never took his eyes off us.
2:05
SPEAKER_08: Like he was looking at us the whole time.
2:06
SPEAKER_08: Like he didn't check for a wall, another bird, nothing.
2:10
SPEAKER_08: It's like he was like, when I catch y'all, I'ma kill both of y'all over a pen.
2:14
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, why don't you just apologize?
2:16
SPEAKER_08: Because I was scared.
2:20
SPEAKER_08: I'm scared of dolphins as well.
2:22
SPEAKER_08: I'm very scared of dolphins.
2:24
SPEAKER_08: And like I said, I got a reason to be scared of everything I'm afraid of, right?
2:27
SPEAKER_08: Me and my lady, we in Maui one time.
2:29
SPEAKER_08: We're in Maui.
2:30
SPEAKER_08: She's like, babe, we should go swim with the dolphins.
2:32
SPEAKER_08: I'm like, no, I told you how I feel about them dolphins.
2:34
SPEAKER_08: I don't want to swim with the dolphins.
2:35
SPEAKER_08: She's like, come on, stop acting like that.
2:37
SPEAKER_08: Let's swim the dolphins.
2:38
SPEAKER_08: I was like, you know what?
2:38
SPEAKER_08: Let's swim the dolphins.
2:40
SPEAKER_08: Something happened to me, it's gonna be on your conscience.
2:41
SPEAKER_08: Now we go to swim the dolphins.
2:43
SPEAKER_08: They got the dolphins in like this little tank, right?
2:45
SPEAKER_08: It's like eight dolphins.
2:46
SPEAKER_08: I see an old lady on the back of a dolphin, these little boys.
2:48
SPEAKER_08: I'm like, you know what, babe?
2:49
SPEAKER_08: I might have been overreacting.
2:51
SPEAKER_08: Get the camera, take some pictures of me on the back of the dolphin.
2:53
SPEAKER_08: I was excited, right?
2:54
SPEAKER_08: I get in the water, I'm on the back of the dolphin.
2:56
SPEAKER_08: The instructor said, as soon as you grab the dolphin fin, the dolphin's gonna start taking you around.
2:59
SPEAKER_08: So whenever you ready, grab his fin.
3:01
SPEAKER_08: As soon as I grab my dolphin fin, my dolphin went straight to the bottom of the tank.
3:04
SPEAKER_08: He went straight down, right?
3:06
SPEAKER_08: Now, because I was scared, I didn't let go.
3:08
SPEAKER_08: I held on.
3:09
SPEAKER_08: And you know when you're scared, you start to mentally create stuff in your own mind.
3:12
SPEAKER_08: I was like, it's obvious that I gotta racist dolphin.
3:14
SPEAKER_08: He don't like black people.
3:16
SPEAKER_08: That's obvious.
3:16
SPEAKER_08: He done cut a deal with a shark to bring him a black piece of meat, something bad about to happen, right?
3:21
SPEAKER_08: I let go, I get to the top, I start snapping on the instructor.
3:24
SPEAKER_08: I was like, nobody just saw dolphin number eight missing, huh?
3:28
SPEAKER_08: Nobody noticed that I was going for like 30 seconds.
3:30
SPEAKER_08: Y'all don't have a bell or nothing that you ring.
3:32
SPEAKER_08: He tried to kill me.
3:33
SPEAKER_08: He took me to the bottom of the tank to meet with sharks, okay?
3:36
SPEAKER_08: I'm the only black guy in this damn tank.
3:38
SPEAKER_08: You didn't notice that I wasn't going around, huh?
3:40
SPEAKER_08: You see this old lady and this little boy, but nobody noticed the black swirl missing.
3:45
SPEAKER_08: Nobody noticed it.
3:46
SPEAKER_08: And he was like, whoa, whoa, calm down.
3:48
SPEAKER_08: It's three feet, just stand up.
3:50
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, what?
3:52
SPEAKER_08: What do you think?
3:53
SPEAKER_08: I didn't even realize that I was walking and talking at the same time.
3:59
SPEAKER_08: But it was a racist dolphin.
4:01
SPEAKER_08: I'm gonna tell you how I know it was a racist dolphin.
4:03
SPEAKER_08: Because like, you know how dolphins were like, well, when I got out the water, I looked at him and he looked at me.
4:07
SPEAKER_08: He's like, nigga, nigga.
4:08
SPEAKER_08: And I said, What did you just what?
4:10
SPEAKER_08: My name's Kevin Hart, y'all been a great crowd.
4:16
SPEAKER_10: All right.
4:19
SPEAKER_10: All right, relax.
4:22
SPEAKER_10: Hi.
4:24
SPEAKER_10: How are you?
4:26
SPEAKER_10: Okay.
4:28
SPEAKER_10: So, um does anybody still play the uh How Much Money Would You Suck a Dick for game with your friend?
4:39
SPEAKER_10: Just a game I reopened.
4:44
SPEAKER_10: Nobody.
4:45
SPEAKER_10: Okay.
4:46
unknown: You?
4:47
SPEAKER_10: Okay.
4:47
SPEAKER_10: Well, if you don't know what the game is, it's basically one of your friends is like, hey man.
4:58
SPEAKER_10: Would you suck a dick for a million dollars?
5:02
SPEAKER_10: And then we would all lie and be like, no.
5:14
SPEAKER_10: Here's the thing.
5:18
SPEAKER_10: Of course I would do it for a million dollars.
5:21
SPEAKER_10: In a heartbeat.
5:23
SPEAKER_10: Before I even blinked, I would say yes to a million dollars.
5:26
SPEAKER_10: To be honest, I would do it for like 5,000 if I had to be honest with myself.
5:31
SPEAKER_10: Here's the thing about that game.
5:33
SPEAKER_10: My opinion has changed.
5:34
SPEAKER_10: Alright?
5:35
SPEAKER_10: When I played that game in high school three years ago, I always said no.
5:41
SPEAKER_10: And I meant it.
5:43
SPEAKER_10: You know?
5:43
SPEAKER_10: When my friend in high school would be like, hey man, would you suck a dick for a million dollars?
5:47
SPEAKER_10: I was like, no.
5:48
SPEAKER_10: And I really meant that.
5:50
SPEAKER_10: You know, because I lived with my mom at the time.
5:54
SPEAKER_10: You know, I had food, I had clothes, had a TV in my room.
6:00
SPEAKER_10: I didn't need to suck a dick.
6:11
SPEAKER_10: Now I live on my own.
6:18
SPEAKER_10: Two dicks a year.
6:19
SPEAKER_10: I think two dicks a year is an acceptable amount of dicks to suck.
6:27
SPEAKER_10: I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
6:30
SPEAKER_10: You know?
6:30
SPEAKER_10: One dick in the summer, so you have a great summer.
6:34
SPEAKER_10: And then one dick before Christmas, so the whole family eats.
6:37
SPEAKER_10: I don't think there's anything.
6:39
SPEAKER_10: I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
6:45
SPEAKER_10: And people are like, oh, you're gay.
6:47
SPEAKER_10: And I'm like, no, I'm a businessman.
6:48
SPEAKER_10: Okay?
6:49
SPEAKER_10: I'm fucking making moves out here.
6:52
SPEAKER_10: Oh man, I don't.
6:53
SPEAKER_10: I have uh I have a girlfriend now, that's weird.
6:55
SPEAKER_10: When you have when you have a girlfriend, you you basically just go home.
7:02
SPEAKER_10: That's it.
7:04
SPEAKER_10: Just go home and answer questions.
7:12
SPEAKER_10: That's what true love is.
7:15
SPEAKER_10: You know, no, she's great.
7:17
SPEAKER_10: It's just, you know, I'm not good at sex because I'm 20.
7:20
SPEAKER_10: So like I'm not, you know, I wasn't raised in a brothel.
7:22
SPEAKER_10: Like I'm not good yet.
7:25
SPEAKER_10: I don't I don't get why girls get mad at that.
7:28
SPEAKER_10: You know?
7:29
SPEAKER_10: Every time I have sex with a girl, she's just like, is that it?
7:33
SPEAKER_10: I'm like, yes.
7:36
SPEAKER_10: Yes, it is.
7:37
SPEAKER_10: I'm not 40.
7:38
SPEAKER_10: Okay?
7:39
SPEAKER_10: I'm in training right now.
7:42
SPEAKER_10: You know any good guitar players that are playing guitar for a year?
7:50
SPEAKER_10: Yeah.
7:52
SPEAKER_10: Yeah, I don't.
7:55
SPEAKER_10: I don't know any of them.
7:56
SPEAKER_10: They're all still paying for lessons, and that's where I'm at right now.
8:01
SPEAKER_10: Twenty-year-olds have sex like Green Day, okay?
8:05
SPEAKER_10: It's just the same shit every time for a minute and 52 seconds.
8:12
SPEAKER_10: Yeah, just a bunch of dinn, dinn, dinn, dinn, come.
8:18
SPEAKER_10: That's it.
8:19
SPEAKER_10: That's the entire but Green Day has some good songs, so fuck off, alright?
8:27
SPEAKER_10: Leave me along.
8:30
SPEAKER_10: I have a lot of black friends.
8:32
SPEAKER_10: Uh I'm white, by the way.
8:33
SPEAKER_10: I know I look miscellaneous in the face.
8:36
SPEAKER_10: But that's another set.
8:38
SPEAKER_10: Um I don't know how I'm white either, to be completely honest with you.
8:47
SPEAKER_10: Because I can see my lips from here.
8:50
SPEAKER_10: So you know?
8:55
SPEAKER_10: But no, it's uh I got into a fight with my black friends recently.
9:00
SPEAKER_10: And uh they were like, yo son.
9:01
SPEAKER_10: I was like, yes, dad.
9:03
SPEAKER_10: Uh yeah, by the way, do that.
9:05
SPEAKER_10: That's a lot of fun.
9:06
SPEAKER_10: Whenever a black dude comes up to you, just fuck with him.
9:08
SPEAKER_10: Whenever he's like, yo son, be like, yes, papa! How are you, father?
9:15
SPEAKER_10: Or creep them out.
9:16
SPEAKER_10: I like to creep them out sometimes too.
9:18
SPEAKER_10: When they're like, yo, son, be like, Dad?
9:21
SPEAKER_10: I always knew you'd come back.
9:27
SPEAKER_10: No, we got into uh an argument.
9:30
SPEAKER_10: Uh here's the thing.
9:31
SPEAKER_10: I'm the only white guy out of my group of friends.
9:33
SPEAKER_10: So like you could you could watch 12 Years as a slave with your black friends.
9:38
SPEAKER_10: If you're a white guy, you can.
9:40
SPEAKER_10: You know?
9:41
SPEAKER_10: I wouldn't, but but you can.
9:45
SPEAKER_10: But when it's over, don't don't do this.
9:47
SPEAKER_10: Okay, because this is what I did.
9:50
SPEAKER_10: And uh this is why uh we got into a fight.
9:53
SPEAKER_10: Alright, here's what I when when you watch 12 years as a slave with your black friends, here's his what not to do.
9:58
SPEAKER_10: What I did was I looked at all my black friends and I was like, hey guys.
10:03
SPEAKER_10: Great movie.
10:05
SPEAKER_10: Alright, guys, that's my time on PT, so thank you.
10:08
SPEAKER_17: You guys, I'm gonna be honest with you.
10:10
SPEAKER_17: I am so hungover.
10:12
SPEAKER_17: You do not mess around.
10:14
SPEAKER_17: You do not mess around here in French Canada.
10:17
SPEAKER_17: So I was thinking about it, and I've been a comedian for about 10 years, and in my 20s I talked a lot about drinking, because that's what you do.
10:23
SPEAKER_17: You have a crap job and you drink and you eat garbage at your desk.
10:27
SPEAKER_17: And then in my 30s, I started to become more of an adult.
10:29
SPEAKER_17: And once in a while things get out of hand when you're drunk.
10:32
SPEAKER_17: But what scares me about drinking is that I get older is this.
10:35
SPEAKER_17: In my group of friends, I am the alpha, obviously.
10:38
SPEAKER_17: But look what I do for a living.
10:40
SPEAKER_17: But in general, I am the one, I call the Uber, I print the group on, I'm the one galvanizing everyone.
10:46
SPEAKER_17: So what worries me, if I do something dumb when I'm drunk, what hope do the sheep who I lead have?
10:55
SPEAKER_17: We were out the other night and we were hammered.
10:57
SPEAKER_17: And by the other night, I mean last night, we were hammered.
11:00
SPEAKER_17: Like the kind of drunk where you can't even read.
11:03
SPEAKER_17: Okay.
11:04
SPEAKER_17: And then you realize it's because you're in Chinatown.
11:17
SPEAKER_17: Actually, you know you're messed up when you're in Chinatown and you can read.
11:22
SPEAKER_17: Oh.
11:23
SPEAKER_17: Ancient secrets, not so hidden.
11:25
SPEAKER_17: So we're walking through there and we walk into a bar.
11:29
SPEAKER_17: I'm reticent to say that it was a club because I'm 33, but there was a dance floor and a DJ, and I had on like a little bit of body glitter.
11:36
SPEAKER_17: Right about now, you're probably wondering, Eliza, why are you wearing body glitter?
11:39
SPEAKER_17: I will tell you, just for laughs, because my date was late to pick me up, gentlemen.
11:46
SPEAKER_17: You must know.
11:49
SPEAKER_17: Every single woman in this room has a list of things that she does to get ready.
11:54
SPEAKER_17: No matter how much makeup she wears or how little, we have a checklist, whether it's brushing her teeth, filing down a horn, polishing a hoof, putting on blush.
12:03
SPEAKER_17: We all have a thing that we do.
12:04
SPEAKER_17: Every woman has a list of things she does to get ready.
12:07
SPEAKER_17: And when she's done with that list, there is a an apex, nay, a pinnacle of attractiveness that every woman is capable of reaching.
12:15
SPEAKER_17: There's a point where we're not getting any hotter.
12:18
SPEAKER_17: And every minute that you're late to pick us up is one more minute we spend messing with our makeup, and we start to get uglier, okay?
12:31
SPEAKER_17: Yeah.
12:32
SPEAKER_17: One time my date was an hour late, I grew a tail.
12:35
SPEAKER_17: Like it gets worse.
12:37
SPEAKER_17: This guy walked in, it was only 30 minutes, thank God, I'm on the ground, there's caboodle shrapnel everywhere.
12:42
SPEAKER_17: I've got half a wet and wild lip gloss.
12:44
SPEAKER_17: I'm like, stay back, I'm a pretty girl.
12:46
SPEAKER_17: Like it gets worse.
12:49
SPEAKER_17: Because what happens is we have all this time, so we start messing with more.
12:52
SPEAKER_17: The more time you have to get ready, the worse it can be.
12:55
SPEAKER_17: The best advice I can give as a woman, not the best, but for the purpose of this set, the best piece of advice I can give, if you're putting on your makeup, give yourself one hour.
13:03
SPEAKER_17: One hour for the makeup.
13:04
SPEAKER_17: Hair is like another story.
13:06
SPEAKER_17: Give yourself one hour for the makeup, set a timer, girls, and when that timer goes off, chefs, put your knives down, step away from your place.
13:13
SPEAKER_17: You'll be done.
13:14
SPEAKER_17: You'll be done.
13:15
SPEAKER_17: Okay.
13:18
SPEAKER_17: So we think we can add things.
13:20
SPEAKER_17: That's what happened with that body glitter.
13:21
SPEAKER_17: I found that body glitter.
13:23
SPEAKER_17: Which in hindsight wasn't even body glitter, it was straight up craft glitter.
13:28
SPEAKER_17: And as an adult, I was like, the things that go on my face, right?
13:31
SPEAKER_17: And I convinced myself I could make it look good.
13:33
SPEAKER_17: I convinced myself I could do a classy amount of body glitter.
13:41
SPEAKER_17: But do you ever think that?
13:43
SPEAKER_17: Do you ever think to yourself that because you're not trashy, you can pull off doing something that's trashy?
13:49
SPEAKER_17: You're like, I can wear fingerless gloves.
13:51
SPEAKER_17: I went to Miguel.
13:52
SPEAKER_17: Like it's okay for some reason.
13:58
SPEAKER_17: That's how I felt about that body glitter.
14:00
SPEAKER_17: Balcony, I found it.
14:01
SPEAKER_17: I was like, I'll just do a little bit, I'll just do a little bit, I'll just do a winter frost.
14:04
SPEAKER_17: Not a term, not a makeup term.
14:06
SPEAKER_17: Am I Elsa?
14:07
SPEAKER_17: Is it frozen?
14:07
SPEAKER_17: What's a winter frost?
14:08
SPEAKER_17: Just let it go.
14:09
SPEAKER_17: Just do a little bit more.
14:10
SPEAKER_17: Maybe I'll just highlight my orbital rim.
14:12
SPEAKER_17: Yeah.
14:13
SPEAKER_17: That way when we're dancing, the light'll hit it and it'll be like, bing, anime.
14:17
SPEAKER_17: Ah, just keep going.
14:19
SPEAKER_17: Five more minutes later, maybe I'll just highlight my jawbone so he knows I come from good chewing stock.
14:25
SPEAKER_17: Just keep going five more minutes later, sparkle fish.
14:28
SPEAKER_17: So now I look like a goddamn road flare and we're in public.
14:33
SPEAKER_17: So we walk into this bar, and one of the difficult parts about being a woman, besides everything, is that we're constantly battling time.
14:44
SPEAKER_17: In the long run, we're worried about weight gain, wrinkles, society rejecting us as a whole.
14:49
SPEAKER_17: But minute to minute, we are messing with and fixing everything.
14:53
SPEAKER_17: We are fixing our clothes and our hair and our makeup and our thongs and our bras and our mustaches, braid it, beat it, set it.
15:00
SPEAKER_17: Because if one thing is off, then the night is ruined, Scott.
15:05
SPEAKER_17: Like it has to be perfect.
15:07
SPEAKER_17: One time I left my house without mascara on.
15:09
SPEAKER_17: I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway.
15:12
SPEAKER_17: Like they will see the whites of my eyes.
15:18
SPEAKER_17: And gentlemen, I certainly don't want to leave you out.
15:21
SPEAKER_17: If you think it's exhausting to hear about that madness, try living in this head man, okay?
15:27
SPEAKER_17: We are tired all the time.
15:29
SPEAKER_17: Fun scientific fact about women that I made up on the way here: women get four minutes out of every 24-hour cycle where our brain tells us to stop messing with everything.
15:40
SPEAKER_17: We get four minutes of rest.
15:42
SPEAKER_17: Four minutes where we stop messing with our hair.
15:43
SPEAKER_17: I saw you, messing with our jackets and everything.
15:46
SPEAKER_17: Four minutes of a mental ceasefire.
15:48
SPEAKER_17: We get four minutes a night where our brain finally sends a message like homeostasis achieved.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: The US film industry is saying that online piracy is costing the US film industry$20 billion a year.
16:09
SPEAKER_01: Can you believe that?
16:10
SPEAKER_01: Online piracy is costing the US film industry$20 billion a year.
16:16
SPEAKER_01: Like, don't they know they can download that shit for free?
16:20
SPEAKER_01: Like, who are you paying?
16:22
SPEAKER_01: You're being ripped off.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: Okay, use BitTorrent.
16:27
SPEAKER_01: For the love of God, does anyone here use BitTorrent?
16:31
SPEAKER_01: One of the hardest things to do in life is explain to your mother where to find a legitimate download off the internet.
16:40
SPEAKER_01: How do you explain to your mom what links to click on?
16:43
SPEAKER_01: You just know, right?
16:45
SPEAKER_01: It's the intangibles.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: You know, it just comes through years and years of internet corporate law abuse.
16:51
SPEAKER_01: You just know, you look at how the link is phrased, right?
16:53
SPEAKER_01: You look at the context of the page, you look at the banner ads, how dirty they are, right?
16:58
SPEAKER_01: Look at the comments, nine out of nine, you know what's legit.
17:00
SPEAKER_01: It's like Malcolm Gladwell Blink, right?
17:02
SPEAKER_01: You just know what's legit, what's not legit.
17:04
SPEAKER_01: How do you pass that information to your mom?
17:06
SPEAKER_01: How do you transfer the expertise to your mom?
17:08
SPEAKER_01: Your mom doesn't know, right?
17:09
SPEAKER_01: Because anytime your mom clicks on anything, anything your mom clicks on, it's a virus, right?
17:14
SPEAKER_01: As soon as your mom touches that mouse, it's just a virus that compromises the entire system.
17:21
SPEAKER_01: Your mom could find a virus on the Google homepage, right?
17:26
SPEAKER_01: How are you under attack by spyware on the Google homepage?
17:31
SPEAKER_01: 95% of it is blank.
17:36
SPEAKER_01: I feel like the internet is becoming an angry place, right?
17:40
SPEAKER_01: Just full of trolls and haters.
17:42
SPEAKER_01: No matter what you do online, just a bunch of people want to tell you how much you suck, how much you're wrong.
17:45
SPEAKER_01: You state half an opinion.
17:47
SPEAKER_01: I think you suck and you're wrong.
17:49
SPEAKER_01: I feel like us as a generation of internet users, like we're used to that by now, right?
17:54
SPEAKER_01: We're used to the hatred online, we can witness pure hatred directed at us on a one-on-one basis, and we we can deal with it better.
18:01
SPEAKER_01: Okay, not all the time, we're still human, we still get angry, but we deal with it better because we know that's just a troll.
18:07
SPEAKER_01: Okay, it means nothing.
18:08
SPEAKER_01: Right?
18:08
SPEAKER_01: Just brush it off, dirt off your shoulder like Jay-Z, right?
18:11
SPEAKER_01: But the previous generations never had to deal with online trolling, right?
18:16
SPEAKER_01: On that kind of global, personal, day-to-day basis.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: Okay, sure, they had their own challenges, right?
18:23
SPEAKER_01: Like Hitler and the depression and the bubonic plague, but online trolling, okay?
18:29
SPEAKER_01: They never had to deal with online trolling on that scale.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: My mom, she lives in Singapore right now, okay?
18:36
SPEAKER_01: And she really loves the Singapore government, okay?
18:39
SPEAKER_01: For whatever reason, probably because of propaganda.
18:42
SPEAKER_01: Alright?
18:43
SPEAKER_01: Alright, so there was like a YouTube video about the Singapore government, and I can't even remember whether the video was positive or negative or propaganda, doesn't even matter, okay?
18:52
SPEAKER_01: Because the comments were negative.
18:53
SPEAKER_01: That's my point.
18:54
SPEAKER_01: No matter what you do online, people just say nasty things about it.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: So for some reason, my mom scrolls through these comments, she reads all these derogatory comments about the Singapore government, she gets angry, right?
19:03
SPEAKER_01: So now she needs to do something about it.
19:05
SPEAKER_01: So, like a vigilante, she registers a YouTube account just to respond to every hateful comment on this video.
19:12
SPEAKER_01: Okay, but worse still, she registers her YouTube account using her real name.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: And she's typing her response like a three-page dissent, right?
19:22
SPEAKER_01: Like, how dare you say this about the Singapore government?
19:25
SPEAKER_01: You don't know what you're talking about, you're spoilt, you're ignorant, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
19:29
SPEAKER_01: Post.
19:30
SPEAKER_01: Five minutes after posting, regrets posting it because she used her real name, calls me up from Singapore all the way to Australia, where I live right now, on the phone, asking me, Ronnie, Ronnie, how do you delete a comment off YouTube?
19:41
SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you something.
19:42
SPEAKER_01: Explain to your mom over the phone how to fix a computer problem when you can't see her screen.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: It's quite possibly the most excruciating form of torture even possible.
19:55
SPEAKER_01: If I was an intelligence officer and you captured me and you wanted to extract information from me, you don't need jackpower, okay?
20:02
SPEAKER_01: You don't need Guantanamo Bay.
20:04
SPEAKER_01: You need to fuck some shit up on my mom's computer.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: You need to call me on the phone.
20:11
SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you everything you need to know.
20:13
SPEAKER_01: For the love of God, fix a computer, fix it right now.
20:17
SPEAKER_01: But because she's 5,000 miles away, you have to explain every excruciating step to it like you're diffusing a bomb, right?
20:26
SPEAKER_01: Okay, look, mom, you wanna delete a comment off YouTube?
20:28
SPEAKER_01: Okay, it's easy, okay?
20:29
SPEAKER_01: Just relax.
20:30
SPEAKER_01: Just calm down, just listen to what I'm saying.
20:33
SPEAKER_01: Click the red X next to your comment, okay?
20:36
SPEAKER_01: Do you see a comment?
20:37
SPEAKER_01: Yep, just click the red X.
20:40
SPEAKER_01: No, no, click it.
20:41
SPEAKER_01: No, click.
20:42
SPEAKER_01: No, click is left button.
20:43
SPEAKER_01: Click means left button.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: No, the mouse.
20:45
SPEAKER_01: You think the wire in front of you?
20:46
SPEAKER_01: The mouse.
20:47
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
20:48
SPEAKER_01: Two buttons, press the left button.
20:49
SPEAKER_01: Yep, just press the left button.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: No, you have to move your pointer to the red X first.
20:55
SPEAKER_01: No, the point.
20:56
SPEAKER_01: The white arrow, move the white arrow.
20:58
SPEAKER_01: Move the white.
20:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh no, you're right, Mom.
21:00
SPEAKER_01: We have a design system is stupid.
21:01
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
21:02
SPEAKER_01: The system is stupid.
21:04
SPEAKER_01: Computers are stupid.
21:06
SPEAKER_01: YouTube is stupid.
21:07
SPEAKER_01: Everything's stupid, mom.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: Everything in the universe is stupid except for you.
21:10
SPEAKER_01: Okay?
21:11
SPEAKER_01: If you get through this, just move the white arrow to the red X and press the lip button.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: You see the white arrow?
21:18
SPEAKER_01: You don't see the white arrow.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: You move the mouse.
21:20
SPEAKER_01: No, you move the mouse so you can locate the white arrow moving as you move the mouse.
21:24
SPEAKER_01: I promise the white arrow is there, mom.
21:26
SPEAKER_01: Just move the mouse.
21:27
SPEAKER_01: They might be off screen for a second.
21:28
SPEAKER_01: Just shake the mouse.
21:30
SPEAKER_01: No, shake them up so you can make the white arrow move as you move the mouse.
21:33
SPEAKER_01: Because moms are like T-Rex.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: If it's not moving, they can't see it.
21:36
SPEAKER_01: Okay?
21:37
SPEAKER_01: They can't see it.
21:38
SPEAKER_01: Move the mouse.
21:39
SPEAKER_01: You see the white arrow moving as you move the mouse.
21:41
SPEAKER_01: You don't see the white arrow moving.
21:43
SPEAKER_01: You don't see it moving.
21:44
SPEAKER_01: You see nothing moving.
21:45
SPEAKER_01: You see nothing moving.
21:46
SPEAKER_01: Now you see nothing.
21:47
SPEAKER_01: You see the blank screen.
21:48
SPEAKER_01: Okay, fuck it.
21:49
SPEAKER_01: I'm flying the movie.
22:04
SPEAKER_01: And then you get there, and it's like she wasn't even in front of her computer, right?
22:08
SPEAKER_06: I was just in St.
22:09
SPEAKER_06: Louis uh visiting my grandma.
22:11
SPEAKER_06: Whenever I go see her, she's always like, you know, come hungry, because she likes to see me thin.
22:20
SPEAKER_06: I don't even call I don't call my grandma grandma, I call her Mimi because when I was little I couldn't pronounce old bitch.
22:25
SPEAKER_06: So that's what I came up with, and it's fun.
22:28
SPEAKER_06: It's a joke.
22:29
SPEAKER_06: She's so sweet, she wouldn't even hurt a fly, because flies don't understand verbal abuse.
22:33
SPEAKER_06: But uh 28, which uh I just found out is the age where as a woman your body starts to tell you to have a baby.
22:44
SPEAKER_06: It's uh my hormones are like, have a baby.
22:47
SPEAKER_06: My bank account is like, don't you even fucking think about it.
22:51
SPEAKER_06: Don't you do it.
22:53
SPEAKER_06: I did have a pregnancy scare recently, which um, and I say scare because I was like, who's the dad?
23:00
SPEAKER_06: I was like, are we gonna have to bring Maury into this?
23:02
SPEAKER_06: Because I fucked Maury Povich a couple months ago, but um to call him up.
23:08
SPEAKER_06: I had a pregnancy scare.
23:10
SPEAKER_06: The first person I told was my mom, which I'll never do again because she got excited.
23:15
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, she was like, oh my god, I'm gonna be a grandmother.
23:18
SPEAKER_06: And I was like, yeah, until Tuesday.
23:22
SPEAKER_06: Hold your horses, Nana.
23:24
SPEAKER_06: Soak it up.
23:26
SPEAKER_06: That's what I told the doctor too.
23:27
SPEAKER_06: So that was uh don't groan.
23:31
SPEAKER_06: I just got back from the Midwest where you can't talk about that stuff at all.
23:35
SPEAKER_06: And uh they have anti-abortion billboards everywhere there.
23:40
SPEAKER_06: I was driving across Kansas.
23:41
SPEAKER_06: There was one that confused me.
23:43
SPEAKER_06: It was just a big one that said, thinking about abortion.
23:47
SPEAKER_06: I'm like, yeah, I'm on a long road trip.
23:49
SPEAKER_06: Like, what else am I gonna do?
23:52
SPEAKER_06: Can't text and drive anymore, of course.
23:54
SPEAKER_06: So thinking about abortion, but then three, like 300 yards later, it was like another one that said, uh, consider adoption.
24:07
SPEAKER_06: I'm like, why would I want some strangers, baby, if I'm gonna get rid of my own?
24:10
SPEAKER_06: Like, I don't get that at all.
24:14
SPEAKER_06: Right?
24:22
SPEAKER_06: I'm in a long distance relationship right now, which means I'm single, so that's yeah, when the cat's away, the mouse pretends her phone died every night.
24:34
SPEAKER_06: I can't do long distance anymore because it's all you have all you have is phone sex.
24:38
SPEAKER_06: And to be good at phone sex, you have to be good at at regular sex.
24:42
SPEAKER_06: I recently found out I'm not because uh I'm on the phone, he's like talk dirty, and I'm like, I'm just laying here later, and I hung up, and that's all I've got.
24:54
SPEAKER_06: That's all I know.
24:55
SPEAKER_06: That's all I've ever done.
24:57
SPEAKER_06: And I love it.
24:58
SPEAKER_06: I just lay back and get it.
25:00
SPEAKER_06: It's pretty sweet.
25:01
SPEAKER_06: Girls, do you know you can lay there?
25:03
SPEAKER_06: Guys will still fuck you.
25:04
SPEAKER_06: I've tried it out for us.
25:06
SPEAKER_06: They're like happier there most of the time.
25:09
SPEAKER_06: It's awesome.
25:10
SPEAKER_06: Being on bottom is the tops, it's pretty sweet down there.
25:14
SPEAKER_06: Once in a while, they'll like straight up ask you to participate, and it's it's a bummer, I'm not gonna lie.
25:19
SPEAKER_06: It sucks.
25:21
SPEAKER_06: But like, he bought you dinner at Chili's, you owe him.
25:23
SPEAKER_06: Like, that's how I was raised.
25:26
SPEAKER_06: I don't know about you, but I felt obligated.
25:30
SPEAKER_06: It did happen to me recently.
25:32
SPEAKER_06: Um, this guy was giving me like a like a really good rod ring, and at some point in the middle of the yeah.
25:38
SPEAKER_06: I like that phrasing.
25:40
SPEAKER_06: Because girls can't be like, I got fucked.
25:42
SPEAKER_06: Like, we gotta say stuff like I got a good rod ring.
25:47
SPEAKER_06: Sounds classy, doesn't it?
25:49
SPEAKER_06: Sounds like he courted me or like I knew his name or something.
25:52
SPEAKER_06: Like it sounds fancy.
25:56
SPEAKER_06: I like it.
25:58
SPEAKER_06: So he was get he was giving me a good rod ring, and I I thought we were having fun, but at some point in the middle of it, I remember he was like, he was like, hey, will you get on top?
26:05
SPEAKER_06: And and I was like, he woke me up and I was like, what's gonna rolled over, I'm like, I don't want to go to school.
26:22
SPEAKER_06: But I did it, you know, I got up there, I took off my sleep mask, and uh wiped the drool off my face.
26:29
SPEAKER_06: I hope it was drool, and uh really out of it, and uh I got up there and I gotta give it up to you guys for being up there most of the time.
26:40
SPEAKER_06: I had no idea how much cardio that was.
26:43
SPEAKER_06: Right out of the gate.
26:44
SPEAKER_06: I thought I was in shape.
26:46
SPEAKER_06: No.
26:47
SPEAKER_06: It was the worst spinning class of my entire life.
26:50
SPEAKER_06: It was awful.
26:51
SPEAKER_06: I was wheezing right away.
26:54
SPEAKER_06: Just I winded it.
26:55
SPEAKER_06: I don't know if it was like the change in elevation or something.
26:59
SPEAKER_06: I was like, this is like fucking in Denver.
27:02
SPEAKER_06: It sucked.
27:03
SPEAKER_06: I'm lazy.
27:06
SPEAKER_06: I'm bad at sex.
27:07
SPEAKER_06: I think that's what I've concluded.
27:09
SPEAKER_06: It's fine.
27:09
SPEAKER_06: I'm okay with it because I got a late start.
27:11
SPEAKER_06: I'm learning.
27:12
SPEAKER_06: I didn't have sex till I was 21 because I was saving myself for Jesus, which I know.
27:18
SPEAKER_06: Luckily that was my gardener's name, so that worked out.
27:20
SPEAKER_06: But uh, found a loophole in my dad's rule.
27:24
SPEAKER_06: Uh yeah, thank you.
27:31
SPEAKER_06: I don't know why.
27:32
SPEAKER_06: I really just waited because I was scared, you know, and uh, and I I think I only did it ultimately for the first time because that guy was the first guy to have a really good argument for why we should, you know.
27:44
SPEAKER_06: And I remember because I was like, I don't think I'm ready, and he was like, come on.
27:50
SPEAKER_06: Yeah, that was it.
27:51
SPEAKER_06: Uh solid logic.
27:54
SPEAKER_06: I think he's a lawyer now.
27:56
SPEAKER_06: Thank you guys very much.
27:56
SPEAKER_06: I'm Nikki Glazer.
27:58
SPEAKER_06: Enjoy your show.
27:58
SPEAKER_06: Thank you so much.
28:00
SPEAKER_09: Excited to be here.
28:01
SPEAKER_09: I'm from uh Nashville, Tennessee.
28:04
SPEAKER_09: And huh?
28:05
SPEAKER_09: Couple, all right, huh?
28:07
SPEAKER_09: Some people.
28:09
SPEAKER_09: And we were uh I married, and we were uh, me and my wife were in Nashville last summer, and we went out on the lake with some of our friends, and we were floating around in the water, and there was a guy in a boat, like right next to us, and my wife was like, Oh, that's my ex-boyfriend in that boat.
28:26
SPEAKER_09: I didn't know who he was.
28:27
SPEAKER_09: She didn't have to say anything at all.
28:30
SPEAKER_09: Uh she was just basically like, Are you having fun?
28:33
SPEAKER_09: Because I would like to put a stop to that and make you stare at this guy the rest of the day.
28:42
SPEAKER_09: So I'm staring at him, and then I look at her and she's staring at him, and I feel like she's staring at him to see what her life would be like if she didn't marry me.
28:53
SPEAKER_09: So I started staring at him because I was like, I'm gonna see what my life would be like if I didn't marry her, you know?
28:59
SPEAKER_09: We were both putting so much pressure on this guy, and we have a uh we have a daughter, we have a three-year-old daughter, and uh we took her to Disney World, and I made the mistake of like telling my friends they were just like, I don't know why you're taking her, you know, just wasting money.
29:18
SPEAKER_09: She's not gonna remember it.
29:19
SPEAKER_09: And it's like I think she's it's exciting.
29:22
SPEAKER_09: Like she likes she believes in Minnie Mouse.
29:24
SPEAKER_09: Like she lo it's fun to see her get excited.
29:26
SPEAKER_09: Like, what should I do?
29:28
SPEAKER_09: Should I just lock her in a closet and be like, do you remember yesterday?
29:30
SPEAKER_09: No, well, until you start remembering things, I'm not gonna waste any of my money on you, you know.
29:37
SPEAKER_09: I love coming near Montreal.
29:39
SPEAKER_09: I've been here a few times.
29:40
SPEAKER_09: Uh last time I was here, had a bit of a bit of a too much of a good time.
29:46
SPEAKER_09: Is that how you should say it?
29:48
SPEAKER_09: Uh I was uh staying here at the hotel, uh, got uh super drunk and locked myself out of my hotel room completely naked.
29:57
SPEAKER_09: And I remember getting all the way out, and then I hear the door shut, which is the most sobering noise I've ever heard in my entire life.
30:05
SPEAKER_09: So I'm standing there, I'm like, what are you gonna do?
30:08
SPEAKER_09: And uh I was like on the seventh floor and I was like, oh, there's a window.
30:10
SPEAKER_09: I'll just jump out of that, you know.
30:12
SPEAKER_09: That's easier than talking to my wife about this.
30:15
SPEAKER_09: And but then I looked to the left and there was a cleaning lady, and she's just staring at me.
30:20
SPEAKER_09: And I'm just like, what are you doing here?
30:22
SPEAKER_09: And uh, you know why she's there?
30:24
SPEAKER_09: Because it's like 11 a.m.
30:25
SPEAKER_09: That's why she's there.
30:27
SPEAKER_09: That's how far in the day it was.
30:29
SPEAKER_09: And I looked at her just like, you know, what do you go do?
30:32
SPEAKER_09: Like this happens to the best of us, right?
30:35
SPEAKER_09: And she was like, doesn't it's never happened before.
30:38
SPEAKER_09: Um and I don't even have like the birds, I don't have like a body either that's like you're welcome.
30:44
SPEAKER_09: You know what I mean?
30:45
SPEAKER_09: Like I did her a fake.
30:50
SPEAKER_09: I was like, come on, it's your lucky day, all right?
30:51
SPEAKER_09: Take it in.
30:52
SPEAKER_09: Uh I do nothing to try to lose weight.
30:57
SPEAKER_09: I'm just kind of riding it out, seeing what here's where we're at right now.
31:03
SPEAKER_09: What I've started doing though is I tell people I used to weigh 300 pounds because, yeah.
31:12
SPEAKER_09: Just uh I don't think it's pretty obvious.
31:16
SPEAKER_09: And uh I think uh I've thought about like time travel.
31:24
SPEAKER_09: Like if I went back in time, knowing everything I know now, I don't think I would make a difference.
31:40
SPEAKER_09: I don't think you would even hear about it.
31:43
SPEAKER_09: If I went back to the 20s and I like saw some guy on like an old phone, I'd be like, hey, eventually they have phones you just carry in your pocket.
31:51
SPEAKER_09: And he'd be like, yeah, how do they do it?
31:52
SPEAKER_09: It's like you know, I mean, I don't know.
31:55
SPEAKER_09: Um I don't know how they're doing it.
31:59
SPEAKER_09: It's like a satellite or something, and they're like, what's a satellite?
32:03
SPEAKER_09: Well, you shouldn't have even brought that up then.
32:06
SPEAKER_09: Um it's like a round metal dish or something like that's gonna go pretty high in the air.
32:15
SPEAKER_09: I honestly don't think I could prove I'm from the future.
32:20
SPEAKER_09: I mean, they would want some proof, you know?
32:24
SPEAKER_09: Who's the next president?
32:26
SPEAKER_09: Oh boy.
32:27
SPEAKER_09: Um thank you guys so much.
32:34
SPEAKER_05: Hi everybody, thank you so much.
32:37
SPEAKER_05: I'm really excited to be here.
32:39
SPEAKER_05: I like to watch porn.
32:42
SPEAKER_05: Anybody else here like to watch porn?
32:47
SPEAKER_05: I love watching porn, and I think that when people look up porn on their favorite site, they always have their two standard search words.
32:57
SPEAKER_05: And mine are Asian and school.
33:01
SPEAKER_05: Yes, I like to watch Asian because I'm conceited, and I like to watch school because I'm Asian.
33:13
SPEAKER_05: I'm like, oh my god, are they doing a standardized test?
33:16
SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
33:25
SPEAKER_05: I want to get married.
33:27
SPEAKER_05: I do.
33:28
SPEAKER_05: I want to get married real bad because I have this fantasy that if I get married, I get to stop doing all the shit women have to do to keep fuckable.
33:39
SPEAKER_05: Like I can just trap a dude and make no more effort.
33:44
SPEAKER_05: I don't want to wear thong underwear anymore.
33:46
SPEAKER_05: I want to be free to not wear thong underwear.
33:50
SPEAKER_05: I just want to wear little boys underwear.
33:53
SPEAKER_05: Because that's what fits.
33:57
SPEAKER_05: I don't know what that pocket in the front is for.
34:02
SPEAKER_05: That's just where I put my keys when I run.
34:09
SPEAKER_05: And I do not want to have to diet anymore.
34:12
SPEAKER_05: I hate dieting.
34:13
SPEAKER_05: That is the worst part about being a woman.
34:16
SPEAKER_05: You know what I did today?
34:17
SPEAKER_05: I ate kale chips.
34:18
SPEAKER_05: I ate kale chips, and then I did a bunch of butt squeezes at my desk hoping that I would take a shit and have a six-pack.
34:27
SPEAKER_05: Just miserable, just at my desk, just searching for laser hair removal, coupon deals.
34:39
SPEAKER_05: I won't do that anymore.
34:43
SPEAKER_05: When I get married, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna eat whatever I want.
34:47
SPEAKER_05: When I say I do, what I really mean is fuck it.
34:52
SPEAKER_05: Fuck it! And I'm gonna eat fried chicken skin every day from then on and fulfill my destiny, which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes.
35:05
unknown: That's what I'm gonna do.
35:08
SPEAKER_05: And once I get married, no more plucking, no more shaving, no more trimming, no more.
35:13
SPEAKER_05: I'm done with I'm just gonna let it all grow up.
35:15
SPEAKER_05: I'm just gonna let it.
35:17
SPEAKER_05: Cha-cha-cha-chia! I am! Because it takes too long to trim.
35:26
SPEAKER_05: It takes an hour.
35:27
SPEAKER_05: I don't have an hour to just you have to take off your pants and then you stand over the toilet and you lower your eyeglasses like Angela Lansbury and just trim, trim, trim, trim, triminy, trim, chiminy, trim, trim, chim.
35:44
SPEAKER_04: I'll pull the butt hair to the front and I'll trim that too.
35:53
SPEAKER_05: Oh, I better get the swiffer to get all the flyaways.
36:04
SPEAKER_05: I uh I did the tonight show a couple months ago, and I had actually got an offer to do it last May, but it was the same day as my boyfriend's graduation from Harvard, and I was like, okay, I could do the tonight show and get a TV credit, or I could go to my boyfriend's graduation from Harvard and poke a hole in the condom.
36:40
SPEAKER_05: What is gonna guarantee the most steady income?
36:47
SPEAKER_05: What is gonna get me a house?
36:56
SPEAKER_05: I once hooked up with a man who refused to put it in the back.
37:02
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, he refused.
37:04
SPEAKER_05: I was like, you're an idiot, dude.
37:06
SPEAKER_05: Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist and posted tiny Asian female seeking anal, the website would crash?
37:16
SPEAKER_05: It would crash.
37:21
SPEAKER_05: And for all the young women who are in their 20s who are like, ew, I would never do that.
37:26
SPEAKER_12: Ew, ew, gris, ew, ew.
37:29
unknown: Grow up.
37:31
SPEAKER_05: Just grow up, okay?
37:32
SPEAKER_05: I know what you're scared of because I was scared too.
37:36
SPEAKER_05: You're not scared of the pain because women were very good about dealing with pain.
37:41
SPEAKER_05: What you're really scared of is doo-doo on the dick.
37:49
SPEAKER_05: You're scared that he's gonna see that, and that's gonna be your shame, your inner evil, all your horrible secrets and lies.
37:56
SPEAKER_05: Sephora can't help you now.
38:00
SPEAKER_05: But guess what?
38:02
SPEAKER_05: When he sees that, he's not thinking about doo-doo on the dick.
38:05
SPEAKER_05: He's thinking, I just put it in her butt.
38:12
SPEAKER_05: And I'm personally very grateful for anal because I'm a little stretched out in the Punani from my 20s.
38:20
SPEAKER_05: So when I finally did Anol, I felt like I got a second chance at life.
38:26
SPEAKER_05: I was like, oh my god, it's like I'm going back in time! Oh my god, I had a little backup pussy all along, all along.
38:35
SPEAKER_05: You were there all alone right beside me.
38:38
SPEAKER_05: I didn't even know.
38:39
SPEAKER_05: Like footprints in the sand.
38:42
SPEAKER_05: I've been allowing, have a good night, thank you.
38:44
SPEAKER_14: It's uh it's nice to be here.
38:46
SPEAKER_14: I feel kind of I feel quite at home in Montreal because well, because my French isn't great.
38:57
SPEAKER_14: And neither is yours.
39:00
SPEAKER_14: So it's uh I don't really go to uh concerts anymore.
39:13
SPEAKER_14: Uh I don't, I'm getting older now.
39:16
SPEAKER_14: Is it just me or when I hear a singer scream at an audience, make some noise?
39:20
SPEAKER_14: I think, why don't you just off I can't hear you?
39:28
SPEAKER_14: We're the audience, we'll decide the appropriate amount of enthusiasm for this performance.
39:32
SPEAKER_14: We don't need prompted.
39:35
SPEAKER_14: But no, I'm not into modern music.
39:36
SPEAKER_14: I like I'm starting to get into like sort of older, not not just old, ancient music.
39:42
SPEAKER_14: I bought an Arabic music album the other day.
39:45
SPEAKER_14: I love all that because I was in a Lebanese restaurant and it sounded very evocative, and I felt like I was in a desert.
39:52
SPEAKER_14: You know, a mysterious woman in a dress flashing by, and but it's not the same when you buy it and listen to it in a hotel room in Moncton.
40:03
SPEAKER_14: It's not the same.
40:06
SPEAKER_14: That that kind of nice that's the have you ever noticed with Arabic music that they go with the man in pain theme.
40:20
SPEAKER_14: That's the not know this one.
40:25
SPEAKER_14: No, you're looking like you don't know it, no?
40:30
SPEAKER_14: I've never caught my my penis in my zipper before, but I imagine I imagine that's the kind of because it's a different kind of pain, fellas, right?
40:45
SPEAKER_14: You know, you cut your finger, that's an ah, I cut my finger.
40:47
SPEAKER_14: But you catch your penis in the zipper.
40:55
SPEAKER_14: Do you still not know this one?
40:56
SPEAKER_14: No, it's number one in eight countries.
40:58
SPEAKER_14: Um, I often think uh that religion yes, you can feel the collective sphincter of the room just tighten when you start that sort of sentence.
41:15
SPEAKER_14: But I think to some extent it's all just about uh presentation, isn't it?
41:19
SPEAKER_14: Because it's pretty much the same message, but it's differently presented.
41:23
SPEAKER_14: Like, I'll give you an example of what I mean.
41:25
SPEAKER_14: I live in Edinburgh in Scotland, and um which incidentally, it looks like in two years' time we're gonna have another independence referendum.
41:33
SPEAKER_14: Yeah.
41:34
SPEAKER_14: Oh yes.
41:35
SPEAKER_14: We are closing in on your record, Montreal.
41:39
SPEAKER_14: We are.
41:45
SPEAKER_14: We are breathing down your neck.
41:48
SPEAKER_14: Because we had a big independence referendum two years ago, and I'm not gonna tell you how I voted, uh, but uh we lost.
41:56
SPEAKER_14: And um and of course now with Brexit, right, we're probably gonna have another one because it wasn't us that took Britain out of Europe.
42:05
SPEAKER_14: In fact, it wasn't even Britain, it was the over 65s in Britain that took Britain out of Europe.
42:12
SPEAKER_14: Who would have thought that?
42:13
SPEAKER_14: For a long time we speculated as to who was gonna be the biggest threat to our democracy.
42:18
SPEAKER_14: Would it be the Russians?
42:19
SPEAKER_14: Would it be the North Koreans?
42:21
SPEAKER_14: Would it be ISIS?
42:22
SPEAKER_14: No, it was the pensioners.
42:24
SPEAKER_14: It was the pensioners, they walked among us, hobbled among us, some of them scooted.
42:34
SPEAKER_14: So what was it?
42:36
SPEAKER_14: Yes, so I I think religion is all about presentation.
42:40
SPEAKER_14: And yes, I was in my so I live in Edinburgh, in Scotland, and um here's what I'm talking about, right?
42:48
SPEAKER_14: On the left hand side of my house, well, it'll be your right, there's a church, but on the right hand side, there's a mosque.
42:58
SPEAKER_14: I didn't plan that, it's just the way it was, right?
43:00
SPEAKER_14: And um, like I've often thought to, I'm not a religious person, but I've thought maybe one day I'll wake up and think, come on, Danny, pick a side and get in the game.
43:09
SPEAKER_14: And I'll go over to this side of the house, and I don't know anything other than the presentation.
43:15
SPEAKER_14: I'm open to whatever first signals, first signs I get, right?
43:19
SPEAKER_14: And I open the window and I hear the classic Christian call to prayer.
43:22
SPEAKER_14: We all know it, the church bells.
43:25
SPEAKER_14: Lovely church bells ringing out across the land.
43:28
SPEAKER_12: Bing bong bong bing.
43:31
SPEAKER_12: Bingy bingy bing bong.
43:34
SPEAKER_12: Bingy dingy bing, bong, bong, bingy, bing, bong.
43:37
SPEAKER_12: Come to church, it will be fun fun.
43:39
SPEAKER_12: Dingy dingy bong bong.
43:42
SPEAKER_12: Bingy bingy ding donke cheese and biscuits.
43:44
SPEAKER_12: Dingy bongy bong bing bing, bong, bing, bing.
43:47
SPEAKER_12: Bong bing.
43:48
SPEAKER_14: But it's a funny thing about church bells, I've noticed since I've been here, they're never there's never any sync to them, is it?
43:53
SPEAKER_14: There's never any rhythm.
43:54
SPEAKER_14: Because it's two bells.
43:56
SPEAKER_14: How why have they never managed to go bing bong bing bong bing?
44:00
SPEAKER_13: Always sort of slightly too one comes in after the other, too late, and there's too much Bing, Bong, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bing, Bong, Bing, Bong.
44:11
SPEAKER_13: It's just two hungover guys in the tower.
44:15
SPEAKER_14: Trying desperately to coordinate.
44:17
SPEAKER_15: Just no! After three! One, two, we go! No, after three, not on three.
44:26
SPEAKER_15: Watch me! Ten years we've been doing this.
44:31
SPEAKER_15: Come on!
44:33
SPEAKER_13: Bing, bong, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bong, bing, bing, bong, bing, bong, bing.
44:39
SPEAKER_13: The other guy having a wail of a time, just can't hear ya!
44:46
SPEAKER_15: There's a bell up there.
44:53
SPEAKER_14: But anyway, I hear that.
44:55
SPEAKER_14: And I think that sounds lovely.
44:56
SPEAKER_14: Church does sound nice, but I better just go and see what's happening at the mosque.
45:03
SPEAKER_14: And I go over to this side of the house and open the window.
45:11
SPEAKER_14: Well, I guess I'm going to church.
45:15
SPEAKER_14: That man has clearly caught his penis in his zipper.
45:19
SPEAKER_15: Thank you very much for listening, my show!
45:26
SPEAKER_02: Hey, everybody.
45:29
SPEAKER_02: Good to be here.
45:32
SPEAKER_02: I have been traveling all over telling jokes and drinking beers, so I have no idea how many kids I have out there.
45:43
SPEAKER_02: No clue.
45:45
SPEAKER_02: Both my sisters are pregnant right now at the same time, a week apart.
45:49
SPEAKER_02: A lot of people are asking me, did they plan it?
45:52
SPEAKER_02: I hope not.
45:53
SPEAKER_02: It's really gross.
45:57
SPEAKER_02: I was I was looking after a little four-year-old girl and she looked up at me and she goes, Are you a kid?
46:04
SPEAKER_02: Because you're not a mom.
46:07
SPEAKER_02: Just like that.
46:11
SPEAKER_02: Like those are the only two things that you can be in her world.
46:14
SPEAKER_02: You can be a kid or you can be a mom.
46:16
SPEAKER_02: So then in her world, I guess if you're a mom and your kid dies, people were like, I'm so sorry, and you're just like, I feel like a kid again.
46:29
SPEAKER_02: No kids were killed in the making of that joke.
46:33
SPEAKER_02: I am currently in a long distance relationship.
46:36
SPEAKER_02: Uh so as you can imagine, I am constantly uh looking for a new relationship.
46:46
SPEAKER_02: Not really, I do fantasize a lot about strangers though, so it's just I got it, thank you.
46:57
SPEAKER_02: When you're in a long distance relationship, you have sex like once a month a ton of times.
47:02
SPEAKER_02: You know, it's like a reverse period.
47:04
SPEAKER_02: And there are some girls that grow up dreaming of their wedding and planning it out, their dress, their ring, and things like that.
47:11
SPEAKER_02: And there's nothing wrong with that at all, but it is always like a little bit fun to have to see her congratulate her friend who's just like unexpectedly gotten engaged before her, you know.
47:21
SPEAKER_02: And sometimes it looks like this.
47:34
SPEAKER_02: Congratulations.
47:40
SPEAKER_02: It's a really pretty ring.
47:47
SPEAKER_02: If I were gonna get married, I would just want something small.
47:51
SPEAKER_02: So something something simple, you know, like a band.
47:55
SPEAKER_02: If it were just a band, it'd be kinda it'd be just matching bands, no gem, I'd be fine.
48:02
SPEAKER_02: I give my boyfriend, if he like, if he climbed up in a tree and got a twig from a bird's nest and wrapped it around my finger, I'd be kind of fine with that, even.
48:08
SPEAKER_02: That would be fine.
48:09
SPEAKER_02: So I give my boyfriend, we were walking on a date and he looked down, he saw a string on the ground, he bent down, and I was like, and he's like, Why are you marrying me?
48:19
SPEAKER_03: I know we're gonna like um we're gonna like to hear that.
48:23
SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
48:28
SPEAKER_02: Uh like when when my boyfriend, if when my boyfriend hugged me, he didn't just like pat my back three times when he was done.
48:34
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
48:38
SPEAKER_02: I really want to plan a party.
48:40
SPEAKER_02: That's what do you want to do?
48:42
SPEAKER_02: It looks like that sometimes I've seen that happen.
48:45
SPEAKER_02: My mom's back home where I grew up in the Midwest, and she's a great lady, elementary school music teacher.
48:51
SPEAKER_02: Uh, but she is very uncomfortable with anything sexual.
48:55
SPEAKER_02: You know, I think it's because she's a virgin.
48:57
SPEAKER_02: It's just like, you know, it's uncomfortable.
49:00
SPEAKER_02: But she constantly makes inadvertent sexual innuendo.
49:03
SPEAKER_02: So, like, if we're going through like a dairy queen together, you all have been, yeah.
49:07
SPEAKER_02: How to eat school treats.
49:09
SPEAKER_02: So I'm going through and I order uh a Reese's Cup Blizzard.
49:13
SPEAKER_02: Uh, that's what I get.
49:15
SPEAKER_02: And when they hand it to you, uh, the Blizzard, they like to turn it upside down and then give it to you.
49:21
SPEAKER_02: Like, what you're about to eat is completely unnatural.
49:24
SPEAKER_02: This is for you.
49:27
SPEAKER_03: Yeah?
49:28
SPEAKER_03: See how it sticks to the cup?
49:29
SPEAKER_03: It's gonna stick to your ass.
49:31
SPEAKER_03: Are you okay with that?
49:32
SPEAKER_03: That's for you.
49:34
SPEAKER_02: And then as my mom is turned into order, and truthfully, she said this.
49:38
SPEAKER_02: She goes, um, yeah, I'll take a uh penis brittle par excuse me.
49:45
SPEAKER_02: Mom, you may need uh penis whether it's brittle or not, you know.
49:51
SPEAKER_02: She knows that I like the word boner.
49:54
SPEAKER_02: It's a silly word, fun activity.
49:56
SPEAKER_02: And so on Halloween this year, she sent me a little card in the mail, like all moms do on Halloween, and uh it had a little skeleton on the front of it, and it said, Happy Halloween, bone appetite, you know.
50:12
SPEAKER_02: And then you open it up, and my mom had written in, or boner appetite to you.
50:24
SPEAKER_02: What?
50:27
SPEAKER_02: I think you just told your daughter she's got an appetite for boners.
50:31
SPEAKER_02: So that's and I do, I do.
50:34
SPEAKER_02: Uh but I never finish them.
50:38
SPEAKER_02: I'm Beth Selling, thank you guys so much.
50:46
SPEAKER_16: Difficult being middle-aged, you know.
50:48
SPEAKER_16: It's really awful, you know, to see young people here having a nice time.
50:53
SPEAKER_16: Do you know what it's like for me?
50:55
SPEAKER_16: It's fucking awful.
50:56
SPEAKER_16: Do you know what sex is like with me these days, ladies and gentlemen?
50:59
SPEAKER_16: Sex with me is like thumbming marshmallows into a cat's anus.
51:09
SPEAKER_16: And a lot of middle-aged men get very bitter, you know, they get very bitter when they see lovely, fresh faced yes, I see some lovely young people here having a nice time.
51:16
SPEAKER_16: A lot of um men my age get bitter about it.
51:17
SPEAKER_16: I'm not one of those men.
51:18
SPEAKER_16: I love seeing the kids having a nice time.
51:20
SPEAKER_16: I'll prove that to you now.
51:22
SPEAKER_16: Hello?
51:23
SPEAKER_16: What's your name?
51:25
SPEAKER_16: Hi, Mary.
51:26
SPEAKER_16: And um, how old are you?
51:28
unknown: 22.
51:28
SPEAKER_16: 22.
51:32
SPEAKER_16: Do you like being 22, Mary?
51:38
SPEAKER_16: Do you like being 22?
51:41
SPEAKER_16: Do you like being 22?
51:43
SPEAKER_16: It's amazing, isn't it?
51:45
SPEAKER_16: Mary.
51:47
SPEAKER_16: Do you know what happens when you get to 42?
51:50
SPEAKER_16: Look at me, I'll tell you.
51:52
SPEAKER_16: Well, I cover my ass, cracker.
51:56
SPEAKER_16: When you hit 42, Mary, you walk past a nightclub, no one offers you a flyer.
52:04
SPEAKER_16: What is that?
52:06
SPEAKER_16: It pisses me off.
52:08
SPEAKER_16: You know when I knew I was officially middle-aged?
52:10
SPEAKER_16: I was in a shop um about three months ago in London called Urban Outfitters.
52:14
SPEAKER_16: You've got them out here, right?
52:15
SPEAKER_16: When I was looking at clothes that didn't suit me and were too young for me, and I was feeling so miserable and depressed, and suddenly I realized there was a song playing in the background that cheered me up straight away because it took me back to my youth.
52:26
SPEAKER_16: It was a song by a band called Dead or Alive.
52:28
SPEAKER_16: Who knows Dead or Alive?
52:29
SPEAKER_16: Remember them from the 80s?
52:31
SPEAKER_16: And what was their biggest hit?
52:33
SPEAKER_16: You spin me round! A 1984 classic.
52:40
SPEAKER_16: In 1984, I had one thing on my mind.
52:42
SPEAKER_16: It was a farmer's daughter I was in love with called Nicola Thomas.
52:45
SPEAKER_16: I was so in love with her.
52:46
SPEAKER_16: Um I actually I'll throw this into you.
52:48
SPEAKER_16: I saw her about three weeks ago for the first time in all those years.
52:51
SPEAKER_16: Lucky escape, absolutely disgusting.
52:54
SPEAKER_16: Um but at the time I loved her, you know, and for some reason, every time I saw her, my heart jumped into my throat, and that song seemed to be playing in the background.
53:04
SPEAKER_16: It's not Shakespeare, it's a simple sentiment.
53:06
SPEAKER_16: You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record baby.
53:11
SPEAKER_16: That being a music storage system, you flip a record baby, right round, round, round, right?
53:21
SPEAKER_16: Not Shakespeare.
53:22
SPEAKER_16: But it made me happy.
53:24
SPEAKER_16: Until I realized I wasn't listening to the original.
53:28
SPEAKER_16: I was listening to a cover version by a gentleman called Flo Rider.
53:34
SPEAKER_16: Some of the young people may be familiar with Flo's work.
53:38
SPEAKER_16: Flo's taking a bit of artistic license with the dance classic and reworded it in the following way: You spin my head round, baby, right round when you go down.
53:52
SPEAKER_16: And this is when I knew I was officially middle-aged.
53:55
SPEAKER_16: Because I heard that lyric, and I promise you, out loud in a shop, I reacted like this.
54:00
SPEAKER_16: Oh no.
54:04
SPEAKER_16: I thought, can we not have one song?
54:08
SPEAKER_16: One song in the hip parade that doesn't allude to munching away on each other's private parts.
54:14
SPEAKER_16: And I'll tell you something else, Mary, maybe I shouldn't, but I'm going to.
54:17
SPEAKER_16: At 42, I don't make the effort to go down very often these days.
54:25
SPEAKER_16: Look, there's a man who's made me feel better about being old.
54:28
SPEAKER_16: And if you're feeling like you're getting old, maybe he'll help you too.
54:31
SPEAKER_16: That man is my father.
54:32
SPEAKER_16: My father is 74 years of age, and he has proved to me that getting old every year that passes is a blessing.
54:40
SPEAKER_16: Because he is 74 years of age, ladies and gentlemen, and he has started to behave deliberately insane.
54:48
SPEAKER_16: There's nothing wrong with him.
54:49
SPEAKER_16: Let me make that clear to you.
54:50
SPEAKER_16: We take him to the doctor, and the doctor said, take him home, he's doing all of this shit on purpose.
55:03
SPEAKER_16: We've been trying to work out what's wrong with him for years.
55:06
SPEAKER_16: I I think we got our answer uh that Christmas.
55:08
SPEAKER_16: We're sitting around the Christmas table, Christmas Day, my mum was carving the turkey.
55:13
SPEAKER_16: My dad was reading a newspaper, he was ignoring us throughout Christmas lunch.
55:16
SPEAKER_16: We knew it was him, we could see his flashing Father Christmas hat over the top.
55:20
SPEAKER_16: My sister came home and she decided to enjoy Christmas.
55:23
SPEAKER_16: She drank three bottles of white wine to herself.
55:26
SPEAKER_16: She was absolutely shit-faced, right?
55:30
SPEAKER_16: And during Christmas lunch, she said a word that put the cat amongst the pigeons.
55:34
SPEAKER_16: She said the word blowjob.
55:36
SPEAKER_16: Now, maybe your mums would be cool with that.
55:38
SPEAKER_16: My mum is a very naive 67-year-old racist.
55:42
SPEAKER_16: And uh lovely mother, terrible bigot.
55:49
SPEAKER_16: She's not, she'd fucking kill me.
55:50
SPEAKER_16: She's lovely.
55:52
SPEAKER_16: She heard the word blowjob, though, and this is how she reacted.
55:56
SPEAKER_16: She went, I'm sorry, love, what was that?
55:58
SPEAKER_16: And my sister went, Oh god, I'm sorry, mum, I didn't mean to, I'm I'm drunk.
56:01
SPEAKER_16: She goes, don't be so silly, you say what you want.
56:03
SPEAKER_16: This is your home, you say whatever you want in this home, you know that.
56:06
SPEAKER_16: Um I just need you to explain to me exactly what a blowjob is.
56:13
SPEAKER_16: My sister sobered up like this.
56:16
SPEAKER_16: Then she started to panic and she went, it doesn't matter, mum, I'm drunk.
56:19
SPEAKER_16: I went back to being an older brother and I went, Yes, it does matter! Yes, it does matter! We can't be using words the mum doesn't understand.
56:29
SPEAKER_16: And my mum went, Well, I would like to know what it means.
56:31
SPEAKER_16: I said, You've got every right to know what it means.
56:34
SPEAKER_16: My sister was shuffling like a dog on lino, ladies and gentlemen.
56:39
SPEAKER_16: I have never seen a woman look more uncomfortable.
56:41
SPEAKER_16: I thought I was gonna cough my liver up laughing.
56:45
SPEAKER_16: I stopped laughing when my sister made her decision, which was to explain that particular sex act to my mother using the almost forgotten art of mine.
56:57
SPEAKER_16: So she's talking good, it's kind of a sexual thing, mum.
57:00
SPEAKER_16: Well, I thought this is horrific.
57:06
SPEAKER_16: And then it got 400 times worse.
57:10
SPEAKER_16: Because my mum, to try and understand what was going on over here, you're ahead of me already, madam, decided that she would copy the mine.
57:18
SPEAKER_16: So I don't know how bad your Christmases have been recently, but that one for me consisted of watching my mother and my sister pumping airpock in front of my face.
57:36
SPEAKER_16: It was the most disturbing image I've ever seen, and I've seen someone kill a pony with a golf club.
57:44
SPEAKER_16: So my mum's doing this, I don't know what this is at all.
57:47
SPEAKER_16: I don't know what any of these movements are, I don't know this.
57:49
SPEAKER_16: Why am I tickling under here?
57:51
SPEAKER_16: I don't know what that is.
57:53
SPEAKER_16: Yes, it would appear my sister is rather good.
58:00
SPEAKER_16: She was in mid-mine, my mum, when she realized what she was doing.
58:03
SPEAKER_16: This will haunt me forever.
58:04
SPEAKER_16: She went, I don't know what any of this is, I don't know any of these movements are.
58:11
SPEAKER_16: Oh god! Oh god, no! And then she said something that I think many women and some men in this room will identify with.
58:19
SPEAKER_16: She said, Oh no, this is a quote.
58:21
SPEAKER_16: Oh no, love, no, no, no.
58:23
SPEAKER_16: I find it hard enough to touch one of those things, let alone put it in my mouth.
58:29
SPEAKER_16: At which point, my dad summed up 40 years of marriage and all of his weird behaviour, with one look from behind a newspaper.
58:38
SPEAKER_16: I put a bit of paper out to demonstrate this properly for you.
58:41
SPEAKER_16: This explains all of his behaviour one glance.
58:44
SPEAKER_16: I'll try and recreate it for you now.
58:47
SPEAKER_16: Oh no love.
58:49
SPEAKER_16: Oh no love.
58:50
SPEAKER_16: I find it hard enough to touch one of those things, let alone put it in my mouth.
58:59
SPEAKER_00: To his own children.
59:03
SPEAKER_00: You know what my least favorite thing about the website, you porn, is they let people comment on a porn, and that's unnecessary.
59:13
SPEAKER_00: People leave weird comments.
59:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that chick I bone her and I shit on her chest and lick it off.
59:18
SPEAKER_00: Who's with me?
59:19
SPEAKER_00: Nobody.
59:22
SPEAKER_00: Nobody's with you.
59:23
SPEAKER_00: You licking shit.
59:24
SPEAKER_00: That's a disgusting activity.
59:25
SPEAKER_00: I feel like you should be solo in your shit eating endeavors.
59:28
SPEAKER_00: Don't try to bring me or the rest of the you porn community into your nonsense.
59:34
SPEAKER_00: I speak for the whole U porn community.
59:38
SPEAKER_00: Anytime there's an interracial scene, a black guy and a white woman is always racist comments.
59:42
SPEAKER_00: Fucking niggas are fucking all white women.
59:45
SPEAKER_00: Like, dude, are you seriously being racist and masturbate at the same time?
59:53
SPEAKER_00: Niggas are.
1:00:00
SPEAKER_00: But I can't look away from this scene.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_00: This couple has amazing on-camera chemistry.
1:00:06
SPEAKER_00: This guy's a loser.
1:00:07
SPEAKER_00: All those videos have descriptions.
1:00:09
SPEAKER_00: You know what you're gonna see before you click on it, but this guy still clicked on it because his horniness beat out his racism that is.
1:00:19
SPEAKER_00: I have a situation in my apartment right now.
1:00:21
SPEAKER_00: I have a surplus of pickle juice in my apartment.
1:00:24
SPEAKER_00: Too much pickle juice, because after the pickles are gonna, I don't like throwing out the pickle juice, it just feels wasteful.
1:00:30
SPEAKER_00: So lately I've been dipping my fingers in the pickle juice and I flick it on my sandwiches for flavor, like that.
1:00:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, how many flicks does it take to properly flavor a ham sandwich?
1:00:46
SPEAKER_00: Between seven and eleven, depending on how big your fingers are and how long you leave them immersed in the pickle juice.
1:00:53
SPEAKER_00: There's lots of variables.
1:00:54
SPEAKER_00: I studied this.
1:00:56
SPEAKER_00: I get home one day and all the pickle juice is gone.
1:00:59
SPEAKER_00: Ask my roommate, hey man, what happened to the pickle juice?
1:01:01
SPEAKER_00: He said, I threw it away.
1:01:02
SPEAKER_00: It's just pickle juice.
1:01:03
SPEAKER_00: I said, it's not just pickle juice.
1:01:05
SPEAKER_00: I flicked that on my sandwiches for flavor.
1:01:08
SPEAKER_00: I told him, hey man, you know I gotta hurt one of your lizards now.
1:01:12
SPEAKER_00: He has like seven lizards.
1:01:14
SPEAKER_00: That's way too many lizards.
1:01:15
SPEAKER_00: They don't do shit.
1:01:15
SPEAKER_00: They've never been on animal planet, they're not even famous lizards.
1:01:18
SPEAKER_00: They're random lizards, they chill in my apartment all day, they have lights on them all the time, but they don't put any money on the light bill.
1:01:25
SPEAKER_00: Who these lizards get all these free lights?
1:01:27
SPEAKER_00: I pay for my lights.
1:01:28
SPEAKER_00: I will fry one of those lizards and have a lizard sandwich and flip pickle juice on them.
1:01:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm a big rap fan.
1:01:39
SPEAKER_00: I like rap videos, but a lot of them are weird.
1:01:41
SPEAKER_00: They have to be continued, but they never have a second video.
1:01:45
SPEAKER_00: Okay, where's a second video?
1:01:47
SPEAKER_00: So much suspense.
1:01:48
SPEAKER_00: I need to know are they gonna pour more champagne on these bitches?
1:01:52
SPEAKER_00: Somebody gonna bring a towel.
1:01:54
SPEAKER_00: These girls are wet.
1:01:54
SPEAKER_00: What's going on here?
1:01:57
SPEAKER_00: So much suspense, tell me.
1:02:01
SPEAKER_00: I saw Lil Wayne get interviewed.
1:02:04
SPEAKER_00: It was bad.
1:02:04
SPEAKER_00: This journey was like, Lil Wayne, if you could ask George Bush any questions about Hurricane Katrina, what would you say?
1:02:10
SPEAKER_00: And he was like, I'm a gangster and gangsters don't ask questions.
1:02:14
SPEAKER_00: What?
1:02:15
SPEAKER_00: Gangsters do ask questions.
1:02:17
SPEAKER_00: Asking questions is a big part of being a gangster.
1:02:19
SPEAKER_00: Hey, motherfucker, where's my money?
1:02:21
SPEAKER_00: That's a question.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_00: Do you want to die tonight?
1:02:25
SPEAKER_00: That's a question too.
1:02:28
SPEAKER_00: What what?
1:02:29
SPEAKER_00: That's two questions.
1:02:33
SPEAKER_00: Gangsters always ask questions.
1:02:40
SPEAKER_00: I want to be a gangster.
1:02:42
SPEAKER_00: I do.
1:02:42
SPEAKER_00: I want to be a crip, but minus the gangbanging and shooting people, because if you take all that away, it seems like they just dance and go to barbecues all the time.
1:02:53
SPEAKER_00: Just have fun as a gang.
1:02:54
SPEAKER_00: Hey, cuz pass the potato salad.
1:02:56
SPEAKER_00: This barbecue is great.
1:02:57
SPEAKER_00: You wanna go bandana shopping after this?
1:02:59
SPEAKER_00: I really enjoy being a crip.
1:03:00
SPEAKER_00: The camaraderie is my favorite part.
1:03:06
SPEAKER_00: I was coming out the store earlier, I just bought some Oreos and some chips Ahoy.
1:03:11
SPEAKER_00: I get outside as this guy like, hey brother, it's my birthday today.
1:03:16
SPEAKER_00: And I was the first time in my life without any sarcasm.
1:03:19
SPEAKER_00: I could say, what?
1:03:20
SPEAKER_00: You want a cookie or something?
1:03:25
SPEAKER_00: Cause any other time you say that, you're being mean, but I meant it from the heart.
1:03:28
SPEAKER_00: How many cookies you want, man?
1:03:30
SPEAKER_00: You want seven cookies?
1:03:31
SPEAKER_00: That's way too many cookies.
1:03:32
SPEAKER_00: You're being ridiculous right now.
1:03:34
SPEAKER_00: Get like three or four cookies and then get out of my face.
1:03:41
SPEAKER_00: Hannibal is my real name.
1:03:44
SPEAKER_00: I was named after this general Hannibal Barker, but not a lot of people know about him, so I'm Fever associated with Hannibal Lecter and Silence of the Lambs.
1:03:51
SPEAKER_00: That's not even a real dude.
1:03:53
SPEAKER_00: Why can't I be Hannibal from the A-Team sometimes?
1:03:57
SPEAKER_00: Every day I had the same conversation with people about my name.
1:04:00
SPEAKER_00: Your real name is Hannibal?
1:04:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my real name is Hannibal.
1:04:02
SPEAKER_00: Your parents named you Hannibal?
1:04:04
SPEAKER_00: Yes, my parents named me Hannibal.
1:04:05
SPEAKER_00: So Hannibal is on your birth certificate?
1:04:07
SPEAKER_00: Yes, Hannibal's on my birth certificate.
1:04:10
SPEAKER_00: But why'd you just ask me the same question in three different ways?
1:04:14
SPEAKER_00: I really want to choke that person and see how they handle that.
1:04:16
SPEAKER_00: Are you choking me right now?
1:04:18
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm choking you right now.
1:04:20
SPEAKER_00: Are you using your hands to apply force to my neck?
1:04:22
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm using my hands to apply force to your neck.
1:04:25
SPEAKER_00: Are you trying to stop the circulation of blood and oxygen to my brain?
1:04:28
SPEAKER_00: So I pass out.
1:04:29
SPEAKER_00: Yes, we're trying to stop the circulation of blood and oxygen to your brain.
1:04:34
SPEAKER_00: So you'll pass out.
1:04:36
SPEAKER_00: Some of y'all might be wondering, Hannibal, if you were choking that dude, why was he still talking regular?
1:04:45
SPEAKER_00: And that was just a choice I made for that joke.
1:04:48
SPEAKER_00: Didn't feel like doing a choking voice.
1:04:52
SPEAKER_00: I used to live with my girls.
1:04:53
SPEAKER_00: I would come home late, she would get upset.
1:04:55
SPEAKER_00: Hannibal, where were you?
1:04:56
SPEAKER_00: It's three.
1:04:56
SPEAKER_00: It's three.
1:04:57
SPEAKER_00: Like, stop focusing on the time.
1:04:59
SPEAKER_00: You realize I could do bad shit and still make it home at seven o'clock.
1:05:05
SPEAKER_00: She's like, well, what would you do if I stayed out to three in the morning?
1:05:08
SPEAKER_00: Me, I play video games and celebrate your absence.
1:05:13
SPEAKER_00: I realized recently my judgment gets messed up more by food and juice than it does by drugs or alcohol.
1:05:18
SPEAKER_00: Like I love apple juice.
1:05:19
SPEAKER_00: I think it's delicious.
1:05:20
SPEAKER_00: I want to start my own apple juice company.
1:05:22
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how you go about doing that.
1:05:23
SPEAKER_00: I tried emailing some companies for advice.
1:05:26
SPEAKER_00: Didn't work out.
1:05:28
SPEAKER_00: One day I get at the grocery store, me and my girl, Mott's Fresh Press Natural Apple juice,$1.79 for a half gallon.
1:05:35
SPEAKER_00: That's a great sale.
1:05:36
SPEAKER_00: We get eight bottles.
1:05:37
SPEAKER_00: Eight bottles is all we have on the belt.
1:05:39
SPEAKER_00: In front of us is an old man looking back, shaking his head, like, nah.
1:05:43
SPEAKER_00: Nope.
1:05:43
SPEAKER_00: Like, what's wrong, old man?
1:05:45
SPEAKER_00: You mad because we got all this apple juice?
1:05:46
SPEAKER_00: You can go get some too.
1:05:48
SPEAKER_00: It's over there in aisle four.
1:05:49
SPEAKER_00: But if not, stop judging us.
1:05:51
SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah, we're a hoarding apple juice, taking advantage of this cell before the store realize what a horrible mistake they've made.
1:05:58
SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
1:05:59
SPEAKER_00: We're back here happy with our apple juice, and you're up there lonely with your whore male chili, you lonely whore male chili eating old man.
1:06:08
SPEAKER_00: But then it took me a minute to realize he wasn't shaking his head because of the apple juice.
1:06:12
SPEAKER_00: He was shaking his head because my girlfriend was white and he didn't agree with that.
1:06:17
SPEAKER_00: But I was so caught up in the euphoria of having all that apple juice.
1:06:22
SPEAKER_00: That for like a minute I lived in this world where racism didn't exist.
1:06:28
SPEAKER_00: I was like, it's obvious that this old man is just an apple juice hater.
1:06:34
SPEAKER_00: Thanks a lot, y'all.
1:06:36
SPEAKER_00: Later.