Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #3 Finding Balance in the Extremes: Part 2 (Dialectics)

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#3 Finding Balance in the Extremes: Part 2 (Dialectics) · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

[00:00:00] So I, I wrote my college essay on my relationship with New York and how it made me who I am, but I was so, so, so ready to leave. Especially when you're like a freshman, you feel like everyone's going out. Everyone's going out. But then at the same time, you're like, I don't want to go out. It's like, I want to be invited, but I don't want to go.I'm Dr. Sarah Olivo. And I'm Dr. Liz Seidler. And this is I'm Fine, Everything's Fine, College Edition.All right, so we're back with part two of Dialectics. But Liz, before we get into that, I have to say that I have a really good idea that I came up with, which is that I think if we merge our podcast with true crime, I think that we're going to get a lot of listeners. [00:01:00] I'm very intrigued because they seem like opposites that I guess maybe I just feel like every college kid I see and me too.Like they're always self described crime junkies. So it's like, Oh, so if we just sort of add that element in, you know, it could be like a real hit, a real hit. Yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to think about how we could weave it in. Um, but And I don't know a lot about true crime. Is that what you're doing? Is that your side hustle?You're researching? Well, actually, how this came up is I was listening to, um, feel free to judge or, you know, not, or, you know, describe this to yourself in a nonjudgmental way, but I listen to the Morbid podcast. I'm sure some of our listeners also listen to the Morbid podcast and it's essentially a podcast where they just describe.morbid things like serial killers. That's just, it's how I relax, Liz. I'm not judging you over here. I'm just trying to like envision you learning about serial killers and also just like thinking about how [00:02:00] to um, make it happen on this podcast. Okay, keep going. Okay, so you're relaxing, you're listening about serial killers, keep going.Got on a beautiful jog and, you know, with, with, um, watching people with their like golden retrievers and stuff in my little suburban town. And I'm listening about like Ted Bundy, just, just going to town, killing, killing. Um, anyway, that said, I did one of their last episodes was on urban legends. And I was like, that would be really funny to think about college urban legends.So I was going through and I was like, what are some college urban legends? And then I catch the one and it was like, there's so many urban legends about tunnels being hidden tunnels being under the school. And my first thought was, well, that's not an urban legend. Like there were tunnels under my school.It's a fact. I mean, all schools update and like snowy areas have tunnels. And we actually, it was my friends and I just went searching for these hidden underground tunnels, which surprise, surprise, we couldn't find, but I was convinced. And I was like, just realized [00:03:00] yesterday when I was looking at that like, Oh, I think that might've been an urban legend and I'm in my midlife and still like held true to that fact anyway.So yeah, I don't know. I don't know if the true crime idea is going to fly, but I'm just trying to think outside the box. I mean, I appreciate your creativity and wish I could share in the joy and pleasure. I mean, you're smiling. You seem very happy over there talking about this true crime stuff, but I will agree.Yeah. Most of my. college students watch YouTube channels or listen to true crime. There's something about it that's very, um, attention grasping, but hopefully today's episode. Will also grab your attention. Yes. We've heard from you. We hear some other voices that we can, other additions to what we've already kind of spoke about in terms of dialectics.Yeah. Did you have any that came up for you this week? Just in your own life? Yeah, my internal struggle and this, I have this vision, this might be me dating myself of, [00:04:00] um, an episode of Scooby Doo where he's like stretching, like basically like someone's pulling his body in one direction and he's getting pulled in the other direction.And mine is a constant battle around eating things that make me feel good about myself, makes my brain kind of function well, and eating things that I really enjoy. And maybe Are not as nutritionally, um, valuable. Um, I feel like I'm always pulled in this direction of, you know, like being really rigid about planning all my meals and it being things that like are nutritionally valuable and then.Yeah. I'm like throwing no structure around my eating. It's like, Oh, I forgot to eat lunch and oh my goodness. Now I'm hungry. The only thing I can grab is something fast and it's too salty. And then afterwards I like regret it and I feel bloated and disgusting. I hear all of that. Yeah. I think that's one thing I definitely noticed [00:05:00] within myself is balancing my eating habits.I think that's something that. We all have the opportunity every day to try to do right. So it's like this like cycle that I'm always trying to find this middle path around. And I would say the other one is getting to bed early because I function better on more sleep versus like doing things that I want to do at nighttime.I have three little, I have three little gremlins I have to take care of. And you know, I want a couple of hours to kind of do my own thing, but I really struggle with like, Go, go to sleepless. You're going to feel so much better. If you get a little bit like an extra hour of sleep versus reading something or watching mindless television.Right, but the new Handmaid's Tale is coming out, and so that's going to be really rough. You know, not the kind of thing you want to watch with the gremlins running around. No, and then I want to watch it alone, and then I probably can't sleep afterwards because of the content, and I'm thinking about the episode and what's going to happen next.Next thing you know, it's two o'clock in the [00:06:00] morning, and the gremlins will be up in four hours. Well, I took my speaking of loving to just enjoy food versus trying to live a healthy life. I took my daughter to, um, the American girl doll store for her birthday and it was just a few friends. We had a little lunch and it was adorable and stuff, but they've served this cake and I noticed that all these little girls just had, um, A few bites of their cake, you know, maybe if some had a few more, some had just a couple and I housed mine and then was trying to secretly like when they were not looking, thinking, can I take some other icing?I didn't because I was like, don't steal from the children. But I like that craving and just that, you know, just intense. Dopamine hit of sugar just almost took over, but I didn't steal from the children. I would say my dialectic came up when, so I grew up in the South and I live in the Northeast. And my dialectic comes up a lot when I get something that reminds me of home.You know, I'm really, really happy to be where I [00:07:00] live. I have so many great friends here, sort of, you know, found family. And I'm not necessarily pulled to move back home. At the same time, it completely made me who I am. And occasionally, you know, I'll drop a y'all and my friend sent me a meme about like, you know, I won't go into details.It'll just bore people, but essentially it was sort of like what a Southern person might do in such and such circumstance. And it was hilarious and just charming. And of course, totally true and silly. And I just was like, all I want to do is fly home right now and, you know, eat barbecue. And I don't even like country music, but I'm like, The further I get from home, the more I want to listen to it, you know, so that was sort of something that where I felt pulled into two directions this week.So, but we heard from, you know, actual college students this week about some of the dialectics that they've heard. You'll hear from them directly in a little bit. Some of the ones though, that we didn't get a soundbite from, but I just heard, or I've just been hearing a lot about in my work with college students [00:08:00] is for, you know, one really sort of obvious one, and hopefully we're coming out of this is the COVID issue.Sort of that time of it being a time of reflection and trying to figure out what is important to you. But it's so isolating. And a lot of people coming out of it feeling like. Kind of my friendships got shaken up and some of that's for the better, but some of that's for the worst and I haven't found new friends yet or haven't had a chance to really do it because the first few years of my college experience were so different.So that's one that I'm talking about people either directly or kind of indirectly. What are the results of that? It's very. insightful time, but traumatic time too. Right. I mean, I think it's probably going to be one that people, I mean, even myself, like continue to like, think about and struggle with. I think what I heard a lot, and I think at the beginning of the college year, there's so much excitement, I don't [00:09:00] know, fall, I just feel like it's like tailgating, football games, you know, rushing, there's so, you know, and then like, Halloween.And you know, there's just so many like events that kind of happen in the first few months of school. I heard a lot from some of the clients that I work with around, I have to take advantage of every opportunity. I've signed up for 15 extracurricular activities. I'm doing all of them. I'm going to all the meetings.I'm going to the tailgate. Then there's like this concert. It's the only good concert that's happening in this area. I'm going to do that. And then it's apple picking. Like I got to go apple picking. Right. So I'm going to go apple picking and then I probably need like, should I do like another hour of studying, right?I've never taken an exam in this class before, just really struggling to how much do I invest in my future, right? Like how much is this, like these couple extra hours that I pay attention to my schoolwork. Is that worthwhile versus missing out on an opportunity to do something that [00:10:00] sounds so exciting.Right. So seasonal and fun. Yeah. So we've, I think that's a common one, right? This whole like work. Social balance. Oh, that's, that's just like sort of constant. And even your senior year, I think that it becomes, it's the last insert party. It's the last football game. It's the last first volleyball championship.And it kind of goes on and on. I actually also talked to somebody this past week who was saying, you know, so I see a lot of kids who go to college in the city. And they were saying, look, I do have actually the opportunity to go out with people, but they're not doing the kind of thing I want to do. So it's that dialectic of like, am I going out just to make a connection for connection sake and getting social?Or do I listen to truly who I am and sit with that isolation for a little bit longer, but ultimately find, you know, a real more, a much more organic friendship. So she was really struggling with that dialectic. Um, I think the people that we were speaking to and some of this you'll hear, you know, From them directly talked a lot about [00:11:00] dialectics between new and old friendships, you know, new friendships being kind of more scary and it's scary to be vulnerable around them versus old friendships where maybe the things get a little habitual or stale sometimes, but they've seen you at some of those vulnerable moments and they feel really comfortable.So I'm hoping at this point. You guys are seeing dialectics everywhere, just like Sarah said last week, that really there are opportunities to be flexible in our thinking or view things in different ways, and that the world really does exist in opposites, and that seeing those opposites is one way to help us.behave hopefully in a more effective way or manage our emotions in a more effective way.We heard you talk about dialectics between who you were, where you grow up and who you're trying to become now. [00:12:00] So I, I wrote my college essay on my relationship with New York and how it made me who I am, but I was so, so, so ready to leave. Not a big city person. I like the outdoors. I hate that the city is always in a rush.So I was very excited to just get out of there. And now that I'm here, I do love it. And I'm really like, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I'm happy. I love the city, but I miss it a lot more than I thought I was going to. I miss, I mean, there's nowhere else you can get good pizza at 3 a. m. Or like, you need Chinese food?We got you. Like, I can get from the Bronx to, you know, Williamsburg. Not that I've ever done that, but like, you can get anywhere. I was able to get pretty much anywhere by the time I was 13. And here I need to, hey, can I borrow your car? Or hey, can I get a ride or, you know, bike somewhere? That's hard.Honestly, I want to be able to, I don't have a car yet. And so I'm hoping to get one, but not being able to do all the things that I came here to do, like go, go mountain biking, go [00:13:00] skiing, go on hikes. You need a car for all of those things. And. You know, there's no Uber here. You can't get Ubers. So, it's. What?I do. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Sometimes you can get a Lyft. Sarah, maybe you and I should just move out to Colorado and just start an Uber and, and enterprise out there. I think we should start like, um, an Uber. People can get in the car and be like, so, and we'll just throw a microphone in their face.Yeah. Honestly, the people here, they love it. You let us know some struggles about balancing work and life at college. Yeah. Um, I think like, especially when you're like a freshman, you feel like everyone's going out. Everyone's going out. But then at the same time, you're like, I don't want to go out. I have.some work I need to do, or I really need to catch up on sleep, or I don't really like the way that going to that fraternity makes me feel, those kinds of things. So then you'll end up having that [00:14:00] internal, that internal conflict between those two. Um, and I think that often based on like social media and stuff, people always feel like, oh, everyone's going out, but realistically then like the next day, if you're like, You know, seeing people around campus and you're like, what did you do last night?Like, did you go out? And like, often if you didn't go out, there's probably a bunch of people who also say that they didn't go out, but you're only thinking about the people that you saw on like social media who were out and about. And I think like, especially when you're a freshman, you kind of feel that sense of like FOMO, if you're missing out, because then as you get older, you kind of realize that's how college is.You got to make your own decisions for yourself. So that's one that like automatically comes to mind for me. And it's really hard when people are like, let's go out, let's go out, like, let's go do something. I'm coming out and I need time to myself. It is borderline impossible to say no. I'm someone, I'm an introvert.I'm someone who needs alone time to function. And I find it, it's been really hard, really, really hard to stay in touch with friends from home and keep those relationships. And that's all like, I can't go out. I have to spend [00:15:00] time with like, I need to, I haven't called my friend in two weeks. Like I can't go out and in accepting that that's okay.I just don't like, I feel like in the early stages, I can't ever say no to anything. And it's been. exhausting. And I think I should probably learn to do that. We heard you talk about some of the dialectics or extremes that can come up in relationships and breakups. My girlfriend and I just broke up and it's like a, I love you so much.I also hate you, but I love you. Like I'm happy you, but I also miss you. You know, like those things that exist at the same time. Yeah, no, I understand that. That's actually a really cool concept. I like that sort of gives you permission to feel. Uh, we're still friends. Uh, we were together for like two and a half years and then she did this camp and we were going to try and stay together in college.And then she went to camp for like 40 days and over that camp, she decided that she didn't want to. So she came back the day that I was leaving for college. [00:16:00] That was the only time in person that we could see each other. So she, that's when she decided she asked to go on a break. And it's hard because You know, she set the bar for relationships up here.Like, we were so good together. And over the course of her being at camp, she wasn't making me a priority. She wasn't treating me right because she knew that she was going to have to ask for a break. So it was sort of awkward for her, but I didn't know that. So I just thought that she was falling in love with me.And It wasn't, it was selfish of her and I know that, uh, it's also, she also was not in an easy situation and so knowing that like she could have handled that better and it was also really hard for her, knowing that that exists at the same time, knowing that, you know, I forgive her because I understand it was hard, but I also deserve better and, you know, I still have so much love for her, and I'm so happy that she's happy right now.And I also, you know, I want her to miss me. I want her to, like, think about me. And I think, you know, those things [00:17:00] existing at the same time. And friendship breakups, God, those are hard. Especially, I felt like I was losing a friend with her. But, you know, it was hard to go to college. that day. My mom did not think she was going to get me out of the house.Once I was out of the house, though, it was better. And then it was hard because, you know, I said goodbye to my best friend, uh, cause she's going to California, you know, the day before saying goodbye to my mom and then coming to this place where I do not know a single person. I almost felt like, you know, sometimes it even hits me now that like these people that I'm friends with are still sort of strangers.And so I sort of, I did, I was scared because I was losing all of that comfort that I felt with her that I had finally built at a high school where I didn't feel all that much comfort. So this was in the recent past. Uh, yeah, this was the August 17th. Wow. So you're still right in the throes of sorting through some of this.Yeah, it's been pretty, it's been so much easier though here because everybody's so, and also a lot of people are going through the same thing. A lot of people break up with their high [00:18:00] school sweethearts before they go. Mm hmm. Well, you said, I, I love her and I hate her. Uh, I hate what she, how she made me feel.And even though it wasn't her fault. Yeah, that hurt. That's a dialectic. We see a lot. This idea of someone is doing the best they can and really trying to sort through things that they're going through. And they really hurt me and do it and do right by me. And that those things can be true. And I think that you describing that particular piece of it, first of all, it's pretty mature, but I think that can be hard to really hold both at the same time.Yeah, great. You're doing what's right for you. Oh my gosh, this is so painful for me. Yeah, and honestly, she was thinking of me too, you know, she knew that I wouldn't want to be held down once I was here, and she was right. Mm hmm. Oh, shit. Don't you hate it when they're right? Oh god, it's the worst. It's the [00:19:00] worst.It is. I'll never tell her. We'll never tell her that she's right. Right. You're miserable and really unhappy still. Yeah. And having a good time. Um, it also sounds like you were able to like validate or acknowledge the truth in her perspective while also still holding like your pain and suffering true at the same time.And I think that that is a really difficult skill to have empathy or understand someone else's perspective and not let that take away from how you're feeling about the situation. And I think that's, that's, It's, you know, a really important, uh, skill to build and maintain healthy friendships and relationships.This top is going to go straight to my head.We heard how difficult it can be that first time you decide to make a wise minded decision. You were saying before, like you use this term that Sarah and I have talked about, like how do you listen to like your intuition or your gut? And [00:20:00] I really love how you kind of said, like it's trial and error. Like there's always a new day and you can kind of try to find more of this balance and middle path the next day.Right. As long as you're paying attention to You know, I made this choice and it wasn't like the best decision. I'm now dehydrated. I got four hours of sleep and I have a lot of studying to do. Yeah. Um, but then you make a different choice the following day. Yeah, for sure. I think one of the questions I had is that first time you try out your decision to stay in and it's a bit new because maybe before that you had always been led by the FOMO thing.That wanting to go out, making sure you're not missing something. And you've done some trial and error and you have decided I'm not going to go to X, Y, and Z. That party, that event, that get together. What was that like? Can you remember that first time where you chose your gut? Yeah. I mean, talking about freshman fall of college.Yeah. It [00:21:00] didn't feel good. But I also probably the next day felt fine. It's like one of those things where the moment it sucks, you're in the library and you're like looking at your phone and you're seeing like people's snap stories or whatever it is, Instagram stories. But then the next day you wake up and you're like, yeah, I made the right choice.And then just slowly, you know, you get used to it. You realize that you still, I mean, I guess one of the things I can imagine happening are some of those. anxious thoughts like, Oh, if I don't go out tonight, I'm going to miss something huge. Or if I don't go out tonight, that group of people won't think I'm fun.You know, some of those predictions that we can make, those are the things that keep us going out when we don't want to. When you don't want to. Yeah. And I think that when you're younger, that's what guides you the most. But I would say as you get older, you don't feel that way as much anymore. Yeah. Did you have some of those initially?Some of those thoughts that made you choose going out. Yeah. Or like, I would feel bad if I, if I wasn't like in the mood to go out and I did anyway, and then I was being like really tired the whole time, really boring, kind of standing in the corner. It's [00:22:00] like, then I'd be so miserable. And I would be like, um, in this weird like thing of like, should I just leave and go home and go to sleep?Cause that's good for me. Or should I just. You let us know how hard it can be making comparisons with others on social media. I met one of my best friends here on Instagram, which is nice. So it can be really good. But then there's like a party and you're like, why am I not there? Where is this? What's going on?Blah, blah. You know, the classic, it's a classic, but, uh, it's, it's a really good way to meet people. And I'm. I'm hopefully just gonna let go of like, yeah, there's a party. I'm not there. I'm not gonna pretend I'm in the 80s and just don't know about it. It's also like, I don't really want to be there. It's like, I want to be invited, but I don't want to go.At this point, you've heard a lot about what dialectics are. You've heard from a lot of college [00:23:00] students about the common themes that they see in university living. And now it's time for Sarah and I to teach you a few tips and tricks on how you can find more balance in your life amongst these dialectical tensions.So, what do we, what do we do now when we notice these dialectics? Right. Wouldn't it be horrible if we were like, all right, those are the dialectics, bye, nothing to offer. We want to give you something. Yeah. Just notice them guys. Um, well, awareness with awareness does come the capacity and availability for change.And we think it would be helpful if we could kind of just go through quickly, what are some ways that you can find balance in your life, develop hopefully healthier habits within yourself and your relationships. We talked to our guests about some of these things, but we'll, we'll reiterate some and add some new suggestions.So one of the things that can happen again, remembering that emotions often, especially strong emotions tend to [00:24:00] put us in that dialectical or extreme way of thinking is that we end up choosing. Our decisions, um, are choosing what we are going to do based on the short term. That party sounds fun. I'm going to go.I feel really anxious about going to that party. I'm going to stay home. Those are some short term emotion based decisions. And if you start to look at what are my longer term goals and pull in some of that logical thinking or some sense of, wait, what do I want in my life outside of just this very moment?Then I think that can help you make better decisions ultimately, sort of more of a wise mind choice. So if you think about that work and play balance, this can come up a lot, or yes, maybe that party sounds really fun and it would, you would have a great time, but you might be too hung over for the test the next day and you really are planning on going to graduate school.So how do you incorporate both in there? Are there [00:25:00] ways you can create a middle path between I'm just going to go cause everything sounds fun. Or I'm going to stay home and just study, study, study. I also think the same can be true for when you feel like, Oh, I, I really feel anxious and going to something or experiencing a new situation or new group of friends feels really overwhelming to me.So I'm going to stay home and I'm going to avoid. Well, is your goal in college to only graduate with your degree, or are you there to interact with other people, find out new things about yourself? And so that might mean you have to tolerate some anxiety and make your decision. Based on that longer term goal for yourself, another thing that's really helpful with extremes, especially when you're dealing with a another person, whether that's a parent, a roommate, a professor, is the idea of finding the middle path, and that idea is when you say, Okay, how can I [00:26:00] notice my perspective?And, and really try to understand how this other person got to their point of view. It does not mean you have to agree with it. It's just how can I put myself in their shoes so that we're not at loggerheads and I can therefore have a better way to navigate this with them because I'm not attacking them or telling them or invalidating their perspective.So it's just a matter of saying how can I notice that other person's side of the story enough so that the two of us can have a conversation around what's going to work. So a big way that I think this can come up is with roommates, where you might think, okay, I want to have my boyfriend over or girlfriend over and my roommate is not okay with it.All right. So is there a right or wrong here? No, it makes sense that you would want to have the person you're dating over. It also makes sense that your roommate wants to have some privacy. And so how do you navigate [00:27:00] that? If you go in with an extreme, like my roommate's so unreasonable and uncool and they don't get it.Well, that's going to not set you up so well to have that discussion. Right. I think that, um, without acknowledging multiple viewpoints or feelings about a situation, we really lose the opportunity to engage in problem solving. And I think a lot of times college students just kind of like give up. They're like, Oh, like, you know, they blame the environment for why they can't kind of reach their goal and don't really see that there is a possibility that there might be a solution that honors the truth in both perspectives.Right. So if I was, instead of saying I have this controlling roommate who never lets me to allows me to do anything. If I were to acknowledge that like sleep is really important to them and um, they're worried about personal space and boundaries. If I were able to acknowledge that and communicate that to my roommate, maybe they'd be more [00:28:00] likely to understand that my boyfriend's really important to me and I, I need to spend time with him.So I think that's the other part about this in terms of like social problem solving, whether it's with a professor, whether it's maybe getting something from mom or dad or navigating something within a friendship, that if we only dig our heels into our perspective and, and not look for blind spots, um, in a situation, we are going to lose opportunities to negotiate and problem solve, get our needs met, or even have other people hear us.And I think, again, one of those big signs that you're Not going to find a middle path is if you really are experiencing a lot of judgments or blame and not looking for even if it's a tiny, tiny kernel of truth and the other person's perspective, you lose the opportunity to find a middle path that really honors those kernels of truth in both sides, right?And [00:29:00] I've always been amazed at how, even if you don't agree. With someone, if you just say, I get where you come from, it calms them down. It's really a great tool. So some common language is just like, I get how you, why you feel that way. Or I totally see how you got there or, all right, just a simple, like. I understand.You know, I get, I see where you're coming from. So you don't have to say, and now I'm going to cater to your needs. It's just a matter of being like, yep, where it makes sense to me that you're in this place. So, um, so that's a way to navigate some of the extremes in relationships. Um, I think the next thing we really wanted to talk about is some of this extreme thinking and how language can get us in that place.So we can look at our extreme thinking and language when we consider words like Always or never, um, if those sorts of words are coming into your purview, that's a really good hint that you're [00:30:00] starting to go into an extreme way of thinking. Very rarely are things always one way and never another way. I was just, I was just going to say that this is where, and I know we spoke about this in the first episode, we did a little bit in this episode, that, um, predictions that we kind of make about the future often tend to have a lot of this extreme language, right?I'm never going to be happy at school or I'm never going to do well in this class after I, you know, do poorly on this one quiz or, you know, My friend always pays attention and asks that person to go to lunch first before they ask me. That those are good examples that I think like when we're kind of making predictions about how things are going to be socially or academically, we tend to use a lot of this extreme language and we, and we don't really pay attention to the in between.Um, and we also, also lose the possibility of, you know, Um, paying attention or being curious to times when maybe things are going well. They might not be [00:31:00] perfect, right? But they're probably better than the, well, the language is kind of leading us to believe things are. I think that some of this extreme language can make things sticky.So if I say that, Something always happens one way. Well, then my brain is going to start looking for evidence of that. So it kind of starts to stick to other pieces of evidence like that. So to your point, um, figuring out a way to balance that language a little bit, sort of allows you to even see and absorb.When these things are occurring around you. Um, and similarly, um, this idea of, but we're the, but please, uh, and, um, so I have my good group of friends, but they are not the ones that I really, Want in my world or I'm not as happy with them. Um, I think a lot of this if then or but thinking can be changed just even the slightest bit with a difference in language.So I have a group of friends [00:32:00] that are meeting my needs kind of right in this moment. And I'd really like to go outside my comfort zone, introduce myself to other people, um, say hi to that person in class. So I felt like made a really good point. you know, a very simple, um, dialectical statement that really uses and embraces this and language is like, we're all kind of doing the best we can and we need to do better.Yep. So it's acknowledging and validating that you probably are doing the best you can in that first week of school, juggling everything that you need to juggle. And in order to reach your goals, you're going to have to push yourself a little bit each time towards change. Um, it's just really difficult to change when you tell yourself that you're a piece of shit first and then are like, I need to do better.Like that's not really going to help you. Right. If you kind of acknowledge it, You know, I wish things were different. I wish I had handled that conversation differently with that new person or that I'd paid more attention in [00:33:00] class. You you allow yourself to be more embracing of change. Um, the shoulds and judgments really bog us down and make it more difficult to make changes.I think some other things that are extreme are labels that we give to ourselves. So I'm a loser. Okay. So if you say to yourself, I'm a loser, obviously you're going to feel a great intense amount of shame. Um, so not only does it bring about some extreme emotions, but there's no pathway out of that to your point.Like I'm a piece of shit. I'm a loser. It's like, okay, there's no roadmap to shifting. And so you can say, like, right now I don't feel great about how I handled that situation. Feels a lot more balanced than I'm a loser. And it gives you a roadmap. Okay, what did I do in that situation that I'd like to change in the future?Um, maybe what role did the other person play in this as well? Sort of that zoom out thing that we talk about a lot. Kind of pulling out and having [00:34:00] that bigger perspective. So, again, just a, just a reminder that the language that we use about other people and ourselves, if it's extreme, tends to make us have extreme emotions with no real roadmap out of that situation.I think too, um, you know, we're going to use terms that we won't necessarily define in episodes. Um, you'll, you'll hear them eventually. We'll define them at some point. But, um, just to briefly mention this idea of gut, kind of the last piece of. advice that we'll give around dialectics is to follow your gut.We also use the term wise mind, which in short just means acknowledging both the important emotional pieces that are going on for you, but pulling in some of that logic, um, noticing your values and that person you want to be. Um, and having that be your guide. So wise mind. And I think also this idea that our body doesn't tend to lie.So paying a lot of attention when we're in a situation to how we feel, what does our stomach feel like? Is our chest [00:35:00] tight? Does our skin feel hot and prickly? A lot of times if we pay attention to that, it's a pretty great guide for what our emotions might be telling us in the right way. So paying attention to That gut instinct that sort of feeling place that sort of knowing place where you think you know What even if something is hard?It feels right. I think we can all probably come up with an example of a time where we just said this just feels Um very right. Yeah, and I think that you know What you said, Sarah, like a good indication that you are in this gut or into intuitive kind of state is that you are paying attention to your emotions, but you also are paying attention to the facts of the situation, and that's what's helping kind of guide your decision making.And if we kind of like circle back to what we started with, Our gut usually leads us to places that are in line with our long term [00:36:00] goals and our values, and our emotions tend to lead us to short term, you know, avoiding short term losses or getting short term gains. Um, but far too many times, myself included, in my own life, I don't pay attention to my instinct and what my gut is telling me and I kind of kick myself afterwards.I'm like, Oh, I knew I should have done that. I knew I should have done this. So look for that kind of wisdom and let that kind of guide your decision making or you make a mistake and you are like, Oh, I felt this way. And maybe that's an indication in the next time how you should proceed mindfully. Right.Not, I blew it. I'm such an idiot, right? But, oh, that felt really cruddy. So, we'll take two next, you know, um, next go around. So, alright, so these are some of the ways that we see dialectics and the people we work with, and of course, in our own lives. So, we'd love to hear from you about any dialectics you experience.Which ones did we miss? [00:37:00] Um, were there some you really recognized here today, but you have some personal examples you might want to share? Reach out. Yeah. Or have you learned another strategy to kind of find balance in your life while you're at school that Sarah and I didn't cover? We'd love to hear about it.Thank you to our guests for sharing their stories. This podcast is for college students and we want input by college students. Please reach out to us by text, email, or voice memo at I'm buying college podcast at gmail. com or 9 to 9 500 2, 2, 3, 1. Tell us your story. Give us tips on what kinds of topics you'd like to hear, or give us feedback about an episode.We'll share episode announcements and resources on Instagram at I'm fine college pod. And last but not least, if you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe to the podcast. Every hit of that plus button helps us keep [00:38:00] going.