Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / The Networking Event That Women Are Told to Attend but Dread
Transcript
- Lucas: So Luna, I want to start today with a number that stopped me cold. A Harvard Business Review study from 2023 surveyed 1,200 professionals about networking events. And here's the finding: women are 40 percent more likely than men to say they leave these events feeling worse about themselves than when they arrived. Luna: Forty percent. That's huge. And honestly, I can see it. I've been in rooms where I'm scanning the crowd thinking, 'Who can I talk to without it feeling forced?' Lucas: Right. And the study dug deeper into why. It's not that women are less skilled at networking. It's that the rules of the game are different for us. Men, on average, treat networking as a transaction — 'I need to meet X number of people, exchange cards, and move on.' Women more often go in hoping to build genuine connections. And when the event is structured as a speed-dating for business cards, that mismatch creates frustration. Luna: So women are set up to fail against their own metrics. They're not measuring success by 'How many business cards did I collect?' They're measuring by 'Did I have one real conversation?' Lucas: Exactly. And the Harvard study found that women who attended with a specific goal — not 'meet people,' but something concrete like 'find one person who works in product management' — reported 30 percent higher satisfaction. The goal reframes the event from a social free-for-all to a targeted mission. Luna: That's actionable. I love that. So we're going to spend today talking about how to actually approach networking events so they don't drain you. Lucas: That's the plan. But first, let's talk about one of the biggest structural traps: the elevator pitch. How many times have we been told to have a 30-second pitch ready? And for women, that pitch often backfires. Luna: Oh, I've seen this play out. There's research showing that when women talk about their accomplishments assertively, they're perceived as unlikeable. But if they tone it down, they're seen as less competent. Lucas: You're referencing the double-bind, right? In the exact context of a networking event, that's a landmine. So instead of a polished pitch, some experts recommend leading with a question. Something like, 'I'm curious about how you got into this field.' It flips the dynamic. You're the curious connector, not the salesperson. Luna: That's a shift in power dynamics. You're not waiting to be judged on your pitch. You're in control, asking the questions. And people love to talk about themselves. Lucas: Right. And if you're worried about not making your own points, you can weave them in naturally later. 'Oh, that's interesting — my background in supply chain actually touches on that too.' It's conversational, not performative. Luna: Speaking of performative, can we talk about the 'room scan'? I've seen so many women walk into a room, see a cluster of men talking, and then stand at the edge looking at their phones. Lucas: It's a classic signal of discomfort. And the research backs it up — women are more likely to hover, waiting for an invitation to join a group. Men are more likely to just walk in and insert themselves. Luna: So what's the alternative? Walk up to a group of three and just stand there? Lucas: Not quite. The trick is to find the 'cohort of one' — another person who's also standing alone. That's a low-stakes entry point. You can say, 'First time at this event?' and build from there. Then you've got a buddy to navigate the room with. Luna: That's smart because you're not interrupting a conversation. You're rescuing someone else from the same awkwardness. And now you have an ally. Lucas: Exactly. And if you do want to join a group conversation, there's a technique from communications researcher Susan Cain: wait for a pause, then say something that adds value. Even a simple 'That's a great point — I've seen that too' can be your entry. Luna: It's almost like we need to reframe the entire event. Instead of 'I have to network,' think 'I'm going to learn from interesting people.' That reduces the pressure. Lucas: And that ties directly to the Harvard study's finding: when women reframed the event as an opportunity to learn, their satisfaction jumped. The study called it 'curiosity-driven networking.' Luna: Curiosity-driven. I like that. It takes the spotlight off you and puts it on the other person. That feels more natural for a lot of women. Lucas: It also changes the physical dynamic. Instead of standing awkwardly with a drink in hand, you're making eye contact, asking questions, nodding. That's a more engaged posture. Luna: You know, what I'm hearing is that a lot of the advice for women around networking is actually about reclaiming agency. It's not about fitting into a male model. It's about designing your own approach. Lucas: Exactly. And that's where I think a lot of generic networking advice falls short — it assumes one size fits all. But the data shows that women and men navigate these spaces differently, and pretending otherwise just makes women feel inadequate. Luna: Right. So we need to talk about strategies that actually work for women, not just copied from a 1980s sales manual. Lucas: Speaking of strategies, there's one more I want to share before we wrap: the 'five-minute rule.' Decide in advance that you'll stay for at least five minutes and have one conversation. If after that you still feel awful, you can leave without guilt. Luna: That's a good boundary. It lowers the barrier to entry. You're not committing to two hours of awkward small talk. You're just committing to five minutes. Lucas: And often, after that first conversation, you'll feel fine to stay longer. But if not, you've honored your own limits. That's a win. Luna: This has been really practical. I think a lot of listeners will walk away with something concrete to try at their next event. Lucas: Absolutely. And before we go, I want to mention something quickly. If you've gotten value from our conversations here — whether it's a new idea that helped you navigate a tricky situation or just the feeling that someone gets it — you can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Even a couple of dollars a month genuinely helps us keep these episodes ad-free and focused on what matters. Luna: Yeah, it really does. We don't have a big media company behind us. It's just the two of us and our listeners. So if you've found this useful, that's a small way to give back. Lucas: Thanks for that. So to close out, I want to leave listeners with one question to ask themselves before their next networking event: 'What's one thing I'm genuinely curious about that I might learn from someone tonight?' Not 'How many cards can I collect?' But 'What will I discover?' Luna: That's a beautiful reframe. And if nothing else, you'll leave having learned something new. Lucas: Alright, that's it for this week. Thanks for being here.