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What to Do When Another Woman Is Undermining You at Work · Loud & Lifted

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  Welcome to Loud and Lifted Quick Lift, where
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  we take the key takeaways and action items from
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  a full episode and break them down for you. Today,
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  I want to pull the biggest takeaways from my
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  conversation with Vanessa Vershaw, author of
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  The Sisterhood Paradox, because this episode
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  really gets to the heart of why I created Loud
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  and Lifted in the first place. We talk all the
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  time about the boys club and listen, the boys
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  club is real. Men have historically had stronger
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  networks, more access, more sponsorship, and
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  more people opening doors for them, like each
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  other. But the part we do not talk about nearly
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  enough is that women have not always built an
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  equally strong girls club, or heck, even a community,
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  in response. We say women supporting women. We
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  post the quotes. We attend the events. We talk
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  about sisterhood and community. But then many
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  women walk into work and experience something
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  completely different. They are excluded, undermined,
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  gossiped. even quietly pushed out by another
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  woman. This is the sisterhood paradox. We assume
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  women should naturally support one another because
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  we understand many of the same barriers. But
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  shared experiences do not automatically create
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  healthy relationships. And sometimes the women
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  we expect to support us are the very women making
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  the climb harder. It's an uncomfortable topic.
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  I get it. But avoiding it does not protect women.
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  It allows the behavior to continue. So let's
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  get into the key takeaways and what we can actually
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  do with them. The first takeaway is that not
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  every difficult interaction is bullying, but
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  real bullying should not be minimized. I thought
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  Vanessa made a very important distinction. Someone
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  rolling her eyes at you once is not necessarily
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  bullying. A coworker being rude in a meeting
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  is not bullying. Someone disagreeing with you
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  or giving you difficult feedback or simply just
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  not even liking you doesn't make her a bully.
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  Real bullying is a repeated and intentional pattern
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  designed to isolate you, damage your credibility,
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  or take you down. It might look like constantly
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  leaving you out of important conversations, withholding
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  information you need to do your job, spreading
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  rumors or recruiting other people to turn against
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  you. And because women often use more indirect
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  forms of aggression, it might not be obvious
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  to anyone watching from the outside. The person
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  may appear perfectly pleasant in the meeting
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  while quietly making sure you're not invited
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  to the next one. This is the part of what makes
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  it so damaging. You start wondering whether you're
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  imagining things or maybe you're just being too
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  sensitive. So the action item here is to stop
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  evaluating the situation based on one isolated
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  moment and start looking for the pattern. Write
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  down what happened, include the date. who was
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  involved, what was said, what information was
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  withheld, and maybe even who witnessed it. You're
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  not doing this because you want to create drama.
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  You're doing it because you are in the middle
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  of an unhealthy situation and your perspective
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  can get cloudy. Documentation helps you ask,
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  is this an occasional conflict or maybe poor
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  communication, difficult personality, or is the
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  repeated effort to damage me? You need to understand
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  what you're dealing with before you decide what
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  to do next. The second takeaway is we have to
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  stop waiting until a situation completely destroys
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  our confidence before we act. Women are very
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  good at soldiering on. We tell ourselves we can
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  handle it. We have dealt with worse. Maybe things
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  will just improve. Maybe if we work harder or
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  prove ourselves, the behavior will just stop.
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  But staying longer does not make you stronger.
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  Sometimes it simply gives the situation more
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  time to wear you down. Vanessa talked about women
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  who stayed until they were almost unrecognizable
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  to themselves. Their confidence gone. They were
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  afraid to speak up in meetings. They no longer
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  trusted their judgment. By the time they finally
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  left, they did not have the energy or the confidence
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  to pursue their next opportunity. And that really
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  stayed with me because we can become so focused
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  on surviving the current job that we stop protecting
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  the version of ourselves who will need to go
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  find the next one. The action item here is to
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  start building an exit strategy before you are
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  desperate for one. This does not mean you have
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  to quit tomorrow or dramatically throw your laptop
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  across the conference room. I know that would
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  probably feel kind of good, but it means you
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  start creating options. Update your resume. Reconnect
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  with people in your network. Pay attention to
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  other opportunities. Talk to someone outside
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  the organization who can give you objective perspective.
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  Then ask yourself a very honest question. If
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  absolutely nothing changes over the next six
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  months, am I willing to continue living and working
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  this way? You may decide there's a conversation
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  worth having, you may decide the situation can
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  be improved, or you may realize you have been
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  waiting for someone else to change when what
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  you really need is a plan to leave. The third
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  takeaway is that supporting women does not mean
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  blindly supporting women. Women supporting women
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  does not mean every woman is automatically safe.
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  It does not mean that every woman's organization
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  is healthy. And it definitely does not mean ignoring
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  bad behavior because talking about it may somehow
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  hurt the broader sisterhood. Real support includes
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  accountability. It includes choosing communities
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  based on their actual behavior, not simply their
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  branding. Because some groups use the right language.
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  They talk about community and empowerment and
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  sisterhood and support. But the experience inside
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  that room can be completely different. So the
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  action item here is to audit your circle. Think
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  about the women's groups, professional organizations,
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  and friendships you're part of. Do the women
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  in those spaces genuinely celebrate one another
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  when someone succeeds? Do they share information
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  and opportunities? Can someone disagree with
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  that being pushed out? Do the leaders of the
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  group live the values they promote? Or is the
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  group supportive only when everyone stays in
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  her assigned place? Pay attention to how success
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  is treated. Healthy women do not require you
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  to shrink in order to belong. Vanessa also made
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  an important point that women -only spaces should
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  not become your entire professional network.
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  Women's groups give us connection and support,
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  and that matters. But if you're ambitious and
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  trying to grow your career, you also need to
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  be in the rooms where decisions are being made,
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  even when those rooms are male -dominated or
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  uncomfortable, or heck, even on the golf course.
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  You need both. You need the rooms that support
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  you and the rooms that stretch you and give you
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  the visibility that you need. The fourth takeaway
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  is probably the hardest one because it requires
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  us to look at our behavior, too. It's easy to
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  listen to an episode like this and immediately
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  start building a list of every woman who has
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  ever treated us badly. Some of us probably have
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  it saved in our phone. But the bigger challenge
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  is asking whether we have ever contributed to
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  the problem. Have I excluded someone because
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  I felt threatened? Have I ever talked about another
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  woman's appearance, personal life, or qualifications
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  in a way I would never do to a man? Have I dismissed
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  another woman as too emotional, too aggressive,
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  or too ambitious? Have I supported women publicly
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  while competing with them privately? And have
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  I stayed silent when another woman was being
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  undermined because speaking up felt risky? This
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  does not mean we label ourselves as bullies because
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  we handled a situation or two or three poorly.
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  Vanessa was very clear that bullying involves
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  a repeated and intentional effort to harm someone.
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  But awareness still matters. Most of us have
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  moments we would have handled differently today.
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  Of course, we're human. The goal is not perfection.
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  The goal is making better decisions the next
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  time. So the action item is to choose one behavior
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  that strengthens the sisterhood instead of only
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  talking about it. Give another woman credit in
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  the room. Share an opportunity. Recommend her
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  when her name is not already being considered.
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  Interrupt the gossip instead of adding to it.
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  Invite the woman who's being laughed out. And
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  when you realize you've handled something poorly,
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  own it. A genuine apology can do a lot more for
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  women supporting women than another inspirational
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  Instagram graphic. The final takeaway is about
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  having difficult conversations instead of automatically
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  disappearing. Sometimes we absolutely need distance
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  and sometimes a relationship is unhealthy enough
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  that it just needs to end. But when it's safe,
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  and appropriate, we should be willing to have
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  that conversation. That might sound like, I've
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  noticed a change in our relationship and I want
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  to understand what's happening if it's with one
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  of your friends. At work, it might be, when I'm
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  repeatedly left out of those conversations, it
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  makes it difficult for me to do my job. Is there
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  something we need to address? You cannot control
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  how the other person responds. You are not responsible
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  for fixing her and you should not expect a huge
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  breakthrough from someone who has repeatedly
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  show you that she's unsafe. But when a conversation
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  is possible, having it allows you to lead the
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  situation knowing you acted with maturity and
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  integrity because that is ultimately the part
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  that we can control. We cannot personally fix
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  a toxic organization. We cannot force every woman
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  to support other women. But we can decide what
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  kind of women we are going to be inside those
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  systems. We can become more aware of what bullying
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  actually looks like. We can stop minimizing behavior
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  that's damaging us. We can protect our confidence
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  before it's completely gone. And we can be more
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  thoughtful about the communities we join. And
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  we can choose collaboration over competition
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  when there is room for both of us to succeed.
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  This is what I took from the Sisterhood Paradox.
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  This is not about blaming women for every barrier
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  women face. The boys club still exists, bias
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  still exists, unequal systems still exist. But
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  those things make it even more important that
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  we stop making the climb harder for one another.
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  We do not need every woman to be our best friend.
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  We do not need to agree with every woman. And
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  honestly, we don't even need to like every woman.
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  But we should not intentionally be taking each
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  other down. So this week, I want you to think
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  about two questions. Where might I need to protect
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  myself? And where could I do a better job lifting
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  another woman? Both matter because building a
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  Strongers Girls Club or community is not something
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  we just want to say. It's something we have to
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  choose to create through our conversations, our
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  decisions, and the way we treat other women when
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  no one is watching. If you have not listened
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  to Vanessa's full episode, I strongly encourage
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  you to do so. Until next time, lead louder, grow
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  stronger, and don't do it alone.